"We sit and grow our roots into the floor, but what are we waiting for?"
If I was a brave enough person, I'd quit my job, move to the beach, and give a hearty FUCK YOU to my student loans.
Of course I'm a coward, so instead I suffer in a job every day that I don't want to be doing, and continue a vicious cycle that will eventually kill me if I don't bring it to a swift end. Because I can't complain about my job. It's not allowed, ever, because I wanted this job SO BADLY, and when I finally got my job I was SO HAPPY, and now it's not even been a year and I'm SO BORED.
So. effing. bored.
Don't get me wrong, it's a good job. It's a great job, in fact. I know a lot of people who would love to be in this exact position (well, maybe). And the majority of the people that I work with are all so lovely, and so nice, that it makes me hate myself even more when I think, "I could really care less about your shitty problem right now."
Why do I think these horrible things? I should be smiling and whizzing around with sparkles shooting from my face, and be super delighted to be giving them their charge code number for an office move, or telling them which administration number they need in order to receive a Diner's Club card. Oh, you need a blank CD? Here, let me shit one out for you, no problem.
But I get so irritated, and I get so tired, and I've lost all motivation to be here. I don't want to do admin stuff anymore. At least not in this kind of environment. Maybe if I was an admin at a publishing compnay I'd be a bit more interested in what was happening around me; but at the moment, I wouldn't know if the building were on fire, because half of the time I'm not mentally here.
I know I want to go back to school, but I'm not sure if I can sit here for another two years. Maybe one year, but that's pushing it. Getting this job was a quick fix for some money in the bank so I didn't worry about having to sell myself on the streets in order to start paying for those goddamned student loans. Ugh, those fucking student loans....
I've been doing some thinking (uh oh Sammi Jo), and I saw that the company I currently work for has a site in the town that I want to move to. Now, true, I want to move on from this admin environment, and do something a bit more creative; but if I could somehow work full-time, and go back to school part-time, and live in a new town that is only two hours south, then maybe I won't feel like I'm in this rut that wants to tear my brain in half and leave me dead on the floor. I mean, it could work. You know, in my perfect world.
I need to think some more about all of this, and heavily weigh the decisions that I plan to make. All I know is I can't do this anymore. I can't live here, I can't sit in three hours of traffic every day, I can't keep doing the same repetitive routine every single day, otherwise I'm going to go crazy.
It's time for me to start taking those baby steps, and hopefully leap into something a lot healthier for me.