My Mumbling Thoughts

My worst.

So many people have seen me at my worst. My friends, and countless strangers. I have inflicted my worst upon so many different people and have forced them to deal with it. Deal with me. Won't you deal with me at my worst?

I've been that girl so many times; that broken record has been on repeat for so long, and I know everyone's tired, bored, and frustrated of listening to the same track over and over. Trust me, I am too. But that song keeps on looping over and over again, like an old friend who busts in on your party and embarrasses you in front of everyone.

My worst is ugly, rude, obnoxious, ignorant, insecure, and loud. My worst shouts at strangers. My worst shouts at people I care about and says mean things to them for no reason at all, or for a very specific reason. My worst is usually drunk. My worst doesn't know when to stop, when to say no, when to put the bottle down, or how to deal with certain situations. So my worst drinks to forget, becomes over the top, out of control, and requires friends or strangers to deal with it.

I stopped talking to Pete because he couldn't handle me at my worst. Or rather I should say Pete stopped talking to me, because he couldn't handle me at my worst. I got drunk, as I do, and acted like a knobhead. I was a bitch. Actually, I was a downright cunt. I wouldn't speak to me afterwards either if I was him. My apologies were in vein, and he stopped calling because I gave him a reason to stop calling.

But just because I gave him a reason to stop calling (fair enough), that didn't give him the right to stomp on me even more after the fact. I'm very good at beating myself up, and making myself feel like world's biggest asshole. I'm a pro at knocking myself down, making myself feel like crap, and being a giant Debbie Downer. Trust me, I know how to make myself feel like shit. It's like second nature, and learning how to be the opposite is a daily challenge for me.

So I didn't appreciate his email analyzing my antics, making bold statements like he truly knew me, and jumping to extreme conclusions about my personal character. I got drunk and acted like an asshole. I didn't burn his apartment down, steal his money, maim him, and talk shit about his mother, so that did not warrant the Life Lecture email I received after four days of the silent treatment. Yes, what I did was mean and horrible, but the way he handled everything afterwards was equally just as bad.

The wasted time I spent with him at his apartment listening to music, reading books, talking for hours on end about life and our roles that we play in it, made me feel like I had been cheated. Had he been lying to me this whole time? His non-reaction isn't what I would have expected from somone who put on a much more evolved persona. While I showed off my worst in one evening, the rest of the time I was real and true, and showed my best. It didn't seem fair that he would cast me off so easily without a second thought. True, he didn't owe me any kind of second chance, but at the very least I thought we could have a conversation so we could wrap things up nicely and go our separate ways. Isn't that what adults do? Make mistakes and try to deal with them accordingly? I'm new at all of this, so I just wanted to make sure.

In any case, I've marked Pete down as 1) a waste of time, and 2) a lesson learned. I suppose if it's a lesson learned, though, that would cancel out it being a waste of time, but sitll.... what's the point in spending all that time getting wrapped up only to be chucked aside later?

Well, I suppose the point would be not to get wrapped up in the future. And to say no to the second bottle of white wine.