"I walk away, I walk away, but he lingers"
I thought a couple of weeks ago that I'd be able to finish my counseling on a high note, and tell Dale I wouldn't need to see her as often.
I'm okay now, can't you see? I'm pretty happy overall, and I don't cry for no apparent reason. Thanks for letting me talk it out and cry in the privacy of your office, but your tearful services are no longer needed.
That is until last week when I felt a familiar feeling start creeping up on me. I quickly shoved it aside, because I would not be sad. I refused to be sad. I would not let my stupid emotions get in the way of being normal and ruining my newfound stable life. My job is going as well as it could be, my family life is pretty much in order, I have a lovely boyfriend who adores me, and things are good for once. There was no need for me to start getting all gloomy for no reason whatsoever.
And I know better than to ignore it, because the longer I leave it to fester and pretend it doesn't exist, the bigger it gets, and the louder it shouts at me. It takes over all the thoughts in my brain until I have no other option than to finally deal with it. Again. Deal with my unknown sadness that seems to stem from nowhere.
So it's perfect timing that I have a counseling session set up for this Friday, where I can go and uncontrollably cry as Dale watches and asks me simple questions that bring me back to the light.
Until Friday, though, I'm now stuck knowing the fact that I'm back in a familiar dark place, and it's pretty hard to ignore anymore. Old distraction methods are hard to hold up, and I've resorted to shrinking into my quiet shell, listening to woeful music to soothe my melancholic emotions, and sleep every chance I can under my fluffy covers.
I've also tried to pin point exactly what is going on, since I'm a pro at identifying other people's issues, and have new tools I've gained from counseling to use on myself, and so far, the only big change in my life is indeed the new boyfriend, and this huge amount of pressure I've put on myself to maintain this newfound happiness. And I didn't want this dark cloud to be related to him in any way, because he doesn't make me sad. He is so funny, and likes me, and makes me laugh, and all of that mushy stuff that makes me feel the butterflies flutter inside of me.
This is more to do with me, and this giant ball of fear that has been sitting on my chest for weeks. It also may be magnified by the Depo shot I got so I didn't need to take a daily birth control pill, so all of those new, fun hormones are running rampant and getting acquainted with my body.
Still, I'm weepy for no apparent reason. Still, I almost cried at work today. Still, I almost cried in front of Jeremy because he was being so nice. Still, I clam up and hardly speak to anyone about anything, lest the one conversation about the copier is the special conversation that sets me off. Still, I can't help but feeling like something isn't right and like I've been down this knowing road before.
There's only one thing left to do until Friday, and that's to deal with this in the most grown-up manner: cry in the shower late at night after everyone's gone to bed. It's the greatest way to cope I've found, aside from taking up old bad habits.