My Mumbling Thoughts

The day starts off normal enough: shower, dry hair, make-up, clothes. Shove some breakfast down my mouth quickly, grab my travel tea mug, hop in the car, and I'm off.

Off to work.

Ugh, work.

It's not hard to see that I'm not happy behind my open desk with people shuffling by throughout the day. One could easily guess that if given the chance or opportunity, I'd leave in a heartbeat without a second consideration. I wouldn't think about the engineers I support, my fellow admins, or the other worker bees that I've gotten to know in the past year and a half. I've never been built for this bland surrounding, and I've known that for a long time now. I never will adjust to the random abstract art that they hang on the drab cream colored walls, the engineer topics I try to wrap my brain around and pretend to understand. It's just not me.

I don't know why I try to bend and conform to a place where I know I don't fit and I don't belong. I've been doing it ever since I graduated high school, and aside from London I've never been able to find a place that feels right. Instead I keep coming back here, to the plain government sector, to the safe confines of job security that pays enough, has bubble wrap benefits, and treats me well enough.

Why complain? Why always sulk behind my 24" monitor? Why wish for more, want for more, expect more from myself? Why not just stay, and accept the cushion that I've landed on?

Because inside I can't suffer like this any longer, and I know I can achieve more. I have better talents other than refilling the printer when it runs out of paper, or scheduling conference rooms for engineers who make triple my salary. I didn't get my degree in sorting the daily post, so why am I still at the beginning paying my dues?

I've not been trying hard enough for what I want. If I want it, then I need to work hard for it. If I want it, then I deserve it, and I'll get it, and it'll happen for me. It is possible. If I want to step outside of this administrative realm, then it's time for me to start walking.

My irritation with this place and myself has far surpassed a safe level, and I'm scared if I stay much longer I'll forget what I want to do in this world. I don't want to wake up and continue this hell routine for twenty more years. I want a job where I smile when I talk about it, and truly makes me happy, where I feel my purpose. Currently I feel an empty void that's craving to be filled.

Filled with words.