"So lead me down to the ocean, our world is fine by the ocean"
When you're six hours north from all reality in a secluded house snuggled in between Connecticut and The Hamptons, and you've done all the shopping, pie eating, reading, baking, TV watching, beach walking, antiquing, cheese eating, whale watching, and cupcake searching a small town has to offer, and the average bedtime in the house is 7:30 for other family members, there's only one other thing left to do: blog.
I don't drink anymore, so yes, blogging is my only other option.
It certainly has been a while, so since I've done everything else (bar logging onto my work email, which I refuse to cave and check), I feel it's only appropriate that I crack my knuckles, and get into some serious updating here on Ye Old Mumbling Thoughts. Yes, a series of updates to, well, update on what has been happening since I last updated three million years ago.
Update #1: I am now 26-years-old and continuously growing. Not physically growing (I think all the smoking and drugs I used to do back in the day stomped any growth spurts out of me by now), but emotionally growing for the better. Mentally I'm a lot healthier these days, and honestly, I have no idea how I ended up here, but I'm just going to go with the fact that a lot of counseling and a lot of "accepting things the way they are" resulted in me getting to this place of contentment that I'm currently in. Yes, I'm scared, because depression is not something that can be cured or is ever guaranteed to disappear forever, so there is a chance that I could end up back in that very alluring dark corner of my mind that tends to creep up on me when I'm least expecting it; but through counseling, and accepting myself (all of myself - the good, bad, and ugly), I've come to realize it's just part of who I am, and it's okay that it hangs out in the back of my mind like the weird uncle at family reunions who always smells like cheap cigars and pizza grease.
I feel more like a grown up these days. I pay all of my bills, I have a full time job (that I'm grateful for, but would like to change eventually into a more fulfilling career), and I'm saving to do grown up things. I've been doing a lot of reminiscing as well, and looking back on a time when I could not wait to be a grown up. I couldn't wait to be free from Momma, be away from all of my "terrible life problems" that were holding me back from being my true self. God, I was such a pretentious little brat. I remember how big I used to dream about far away places, and all of the amazing things I'd be doing when I was my current age. Time sure is a funny thing when you look back and see how things turned out. Birthdays tend to make you stop and reflect momentarily on past years, and see the minor and major changes that have unfolded without you even realizing what happened. This year, my goal is to try and slow down so I can enjoy the happy moments when they happen, and try my very best to get through the hard times whenever they should happen as well.
Update #2: Speaking of birthdays, the reason I'm currently laying in someone else's pillow top bed with a spectacular view of the Atlantic Ocean, is because this is how Mel and I decided to celebrate getting one year older: we rented a house for an entire week, and we came up to do sister bonding stuff just the two of us. True, my awesome boyfriend was here for the first couple of days since he drove us up, but he left this past Monday, and ever since it's just been us two hanging out with the dog, enjoying the slow life (honestly, time is so much slower up here), and pretending there isn't any work at the end of this week waiting for us.
This house that we're staying in is my absolute dream house. It's a perfectly quaint, small enough yet big enough, beach house with one of the prettiest views my eyes have ever seen. There are two chairs that face the one wall with its enormous windows, and one of those chairs is where I've been spending the majority of my time. I sit and watch as the water makes its way to the shore and crashes into tiny waves. It's so much more than relaxing. It's what I imagine retirement to be like, or Heaven. Yes, Heaven for me would be those two chairs, that beautiful view, and nothing else to do except watch the seagulls try to fly against the wind.
It's perfect. One of the best birthday presents I've ever received.
Update 3: I am stupidly, ridiculously, head over heels, over the moon, stars in my eyes, swept off my feet IN. LOVE.
I AM IN LOVE, PEOPLE.
L. O. V. E.
I think I properly realized that it wasn't just the normal, standard love that people feel for good friends, but rather the Big Moving Kind Of Love, a couple of weeks ago. I remember I was alone in my room spending a rare night back at the house in Manassas. My mind was quiet for a few short seconds and I thought, "I would absolutely hate it if something were to ever happen between Jeremy and I." And I meant it. Holy crap, I meant it FOR REAL. I started getting upset alone in my room thinking about what I would do should anything ever happen between the two of us. What if one of us got hurt and ended up in a coma for ten years (because my worst-case senarios are based off of soap operas), or he found someone more interesting, taller, prettier, funnier, and smarter than me (rare, I know), or I did something to mess it all up? WHAT WOULD I DO THEN, HUH?
I don't think about any other guys. I don't daydream about anyone else. I only think about the two of us, how happy he makes me, and - wait for it - our future together.
That's right.
IN. FUCKING. LOVE.
I was a little worried at first, and immediately went into Self-Destruction Mode, however, that didn't last very long, and I decided to try something different, and embrace this new, loved up side of myself. Embrace the love! I DECIDED TO EMBRACE THE LOVE.
And you know what?
It doesn't suck.
If anything, I kind of like it. A lot.
No. I love it. I fucking love it a lot.
***
Sooo.....yeah. I guess that's kind of an update from me. I'll try back again and we'll see if I'm back to all Doom and Gloom. But I'm gonna try and keep this happy momentum going for a little while longer and see how far I can get.