"Tonight I'm in love with everybody on the city bus"
When you've been locked in the darkness of your mind for as many years as I have been, it's scary when the light first starts breaking through. It's unknown, it's strange, and it's a scary feeling. It's really uncomfortable, and I didn't know if I should trust it, because trusting had betrayed me in the past. Positivity was not something I was used to. Believing in good things never came easy to me, and caring about my life in general was always an uphill battle.
I was locked inside for years. Years I allowed the darkness to consume me, my thoughts, and my personality. Lord knows I did a lot of things - self sabotaging things, self harming things - that set me back, clouded my judgment, and wasted a lot of time keeping me from my True Self.
After I graduated from university, I took a long, hard look at where I was in my life and didn't like where I had ended up. I didn't like myself, and had a lot of regrets. Deciding to be sober forced me to finally feel things that I had been suppressing for so long, and finally come to terms with a lot of issues that had held me back. My monthly counseling sessions (that I still attend) helped me control my anxiety, my breakdowns, and was a vital part in helping me see that life doesn't have to be so hard. We only make it out to be hard if that's what we truly believe.
I was locked inside for years, but over the past year and a half I've done a lot of healing, growing, maturing, and doing my best to gain a better understanding of who I am as a person, what my ultimate purpose is in life, and to do everything I can to honor that calling.
I had what Oprah likes to call an "Aha Moment" last night when I was watching one of her online classes that she started on her OWN network, and woke up this morning with such clarity I almost exploded into tears with pure joy. I truly understand it now.
** You become what you believe. **
Those words have never made more sense to me.
It's so simple, and yet I couldn't understand it for so long. Now I know it's because I wasn't ready to receive it. I would hear those words, and they were so empty to me. They meant nothing. They held zero value. Sure, whatever, I get it...You become what you believe. Makes sense.
But there's a different between "making sense" and "truly understanding". When you're ready to receive something into your life, you get that wonderful feeling of things clicking, and snapping into place, and all of a sudden it feels like you're on the right path. Everything that didn't make sense before, now appears crystal clear. I now know all of the answers to all of my life questions because I truly understand - you become what you believe.
It's a thought process that I've been working on breaking for so long, and now I know it's possible. My old limitations no longer have chains on me, and I've never felt more confident with where I'm at in life. Everything: my job, my relationships in my life, my finances, my habits, my entire thought process. Everything is exactly where it's at, because I believed it to be that way.
This morning I started a new way of thinking, embracing all the positivity I could hold, and rejecting any kind of negative energy that tried to penetrate inside my thoughts. It's an amazing power to hold, knowing that I'm capable of controling my thoughts. To understand that I'm responsible for the energy I bring every second of every day, and to truly own all aspects of myself - the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's beautiful to understand, a beautiful breakthrough, and an amazing release that I've been working so hard to achieve ever since I made the decision to better myself.
I needed to write it down so I don't forget.
You become what you believe.
And I believe that I'm a better person who will continue to grow.