My Mumbling Thoughts

I didn't grow up in a religious household of any kind. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to church, and two of those times I was under five-years-old, so my memories of getting dressed up in my Sunday Best are slim to none. For the longest time I thought that my family might be Catholic, simply because that's the one religion I saw most in films and on TV, so I figured everyone was Catholic by default. I didn't know we could choose, I didn't know there were different religions of any kind, or if I even believed in any kind of God.

I was young, and at the time didn't give much thought on those kind of heavy subjects. Until one day I did, and I asked my mom what religion we were, and how come we didn't go to church like everyone else in my school did.

My mom did grow up in a religious household, and decided from a young age that she didn't feel comfortable giving up every Sunday to gather with the local town folk and listen to a man preach about one thing or another. She decided that when she had kids of her own, she'd let us choose for ourselves if we wanted to go to church, and figure out on our own whether we wanted to be part of any specific religion, or if we didn't want to be part of a specific religion. The choice was left completely up to us.

At the time it felt like a big decision. What religion was I going to be! There were so many choices! So many things to consider. All I knew at the time was the difference between right and wrong, and everything else was too big for my little brain to consider. Life after death, Heaven and Hell, what's our main purpose in life, yadda, yadda, yadda.

It was all too much for me to process.

My first decision was that I was going to be an atheist. It seemed like the easiest choice out of everything. I had no proof of any God whatsoever, nor did I understand my own belief system at the time, so I thought we were here to live, then we died, and then that was it. The End.

Continue reading ""God only gives you what you can handle. No more, and no less."" »

Posted by Sam at 06:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Man I missing writing.

I don't know why I stop and start, and then pick it back up for a little while, and stop again. I'm just inconsistent, I guess. Which isn't really a good thing, but hey, at least I'm honest.

I do miss it, though. I miss splurging my inner thoughts all over the World Wide Web for the occasional stranger to stumble upon and maybe take three spare minutes to quickly scan over my random words. My only hope is that maybe one or two of my random words will resonate in some way shape or form, and mean something. Even if it's a small little something.

We're deep into January 2012, and I gotta say, I feel like this year is gonna be good. I may even go as far to say great. I mean, I don't want to jinx anything, but so far my year is already booked up with some pretty awesome things going down. The first half of the year is pretty much saving money, and thawing out from this mild winter that has barely touched DC (no complaints here, either!). Once summer is finally underway, this June (should everything continue to go as planned), I'll be making my first move into my new apartment. Oh yeah! And here's the kicker: WITH MY BOYFRIEND. That's right. I'm moving in with my boyfriend. This June. June of 2012. Moving in. With my boyfriend. So it'll be our apartment. Our place. Together.

It's a pretty big deal (even though I'm totally cool and acting like it's not a big deal, because it's only a big deal if you make it out to be a big deal). Since it's a big deal that's not a big deal, the first half of this year will also be spent sifting through the many, many things in my room that has been accumulating since 2003. Well, really, since second grade, because I still have crap that I've saved since my second year in elementary school. Still. It all travels with me.

It's about time that I purge all of my random trinkets, though, and go through what I essentially NEED (i.e. bed, bookshelves, duvets), and decide on what I WANT (i.e. sombraro, Cosmo magazine collection, notes from high school hiding underneath my bed). I feel like if I don't get rid of at least half of it, I'll end up on that Extreme Clutter show. It's not pretty.

The second half of the year will hopefully be bringing me back to London for a short visit. I'm saving, saving, saving, so I can blow all of my hard earned money on two beautiful weeks back in the city I have a not-so-secret love affair with. It'll be worth every single penny just so I'm able to see my friends, lay in my parks, ride my buses, and eat at my favorite restaurants. For two short weeks I'll regain my awkward English accent, and walk down my streets of Memory Lane. It's always a bittersweet pleasure for myself, and this time round I'll be sharing it all with my dear, sweet Jeremy, who has only heard the tales I retell over and over for him.

I can hardly wait.

In between days, it'll just be me counting down 2012. Waiting, and hopefully writing more. It's not a resolution of mine (I don't believe in starting over each year), but it is something I'd like to do more of. God knows I spend enough time faffing around on the internet watching stupid videos. It wouldn't kill me to come visit My Mumbling Thoughts more, and exercise my ability to string together coherent sentences.

Posted by Sam at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When you've been locked in the darkness of your mind for as many years as I have been, it's scary when the light first starts breaking through. It's unknown, it's strange, and it's a scary feeling. It's really uncomfortable, and I didn't know if I should trust it, because trusting had betrayed me in the past. Positivity was not something I was used to. Believing in good things never came easy to me, and caring about my life in general was always an uphill battle.

I was locked inside for years. Years I allowed the darkness to consume me, my thoughts, and my personality. Lord knows I did a lot of things - self sabotaging things, self harming things - that set me back, clouded my judgment, and wasted a lot of time keeping me from my True Self.

After I graduated from university, I took a long, hard look at where I was in my life and didn't like where I had ended up. I didn't like myself, and had a lot of regrets. Deciding to be sober forced me to finally feel things that I had been suppressing for so long, and finally come to terms with a lot of issues that had held me back. My monthly counseling sessions (that I still attend) helped me control my anxiety, my breakdowns, and was a vital part in helping me see that life doesn't have to be so hard. We only make it out to be hard if that's what we truly believe.

I was locked inside for years, but over the past year and a half I've done a lot of healing, growing, maturing, and doing my best to gain a better understanding of who I am as a person, what my ultimate purpose is in life, and to do everything I can to honor that calling.

I had what Oprah likes to call an "Aha Moment" last night when I was watching one of her online classes that she started on her OWN network, and woke up this morning with such clarity I almost exploded into tears with pure joy. I truly understand it now.

** You become what you believe. **

Those words have never made more sense to me.

It's so simple, and yet I couldn't understand it for so long. Now I know it's because I wasn't ready to receive it. I would hear those words, and they were so empty to me. They meant nothing. They held zero value. Sure, whatever, I get it...You become what you believe. Makes sense.

But there's a different between "making sense" and "truly understanding". When you're ready to receive something into your life, you get that wonderful feeling of things clicking, and snapping into place, and all of a sudden it feels like you're on the right path. Everything that didn't make sense before, now appears crystal clear. I now know all of the answers to all of my life questions because I truly understand - you become what you believe.

It's a thought process that I've been working on breaking for so long, and now I know it's possible. My old limitations no longer have chains on me, and I've never felt more confident with where I'm at in life. Everything: my job, my relationships in my life, my finances, my habits, my entire thought process. Everything is exactly where it's at, because I believed it to be that way.

This morning I started a new way of thinking, embracing all the positivity I could hold, and rejecting any kind of negative energy that tried to penetrate inside my thoughts. It's an amazing power to hold, knowing that I'm capable of controling my thoughts. To understand that I'm responsible for the energy I bring every second of every day, and to truly own all aspects of myself - the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's beautiful to understand, a beautiful breakthrough, and an amazing release that I've been working so hard to achieve ever since I made the decision to better myself.

I needed to write it down so I don't forget.

You become what you believe.

And I believe that I'm a better person who will continue to grow.

Posted by Sam at 04:19 PM | Permalink

When you're six hours north from all reality in a secluded house snuggled in between Connecticut and The Hamptons, and you've done all the shopping, pie eating, reading, baking, TV watching, beach walking, antiquing, cheese eating, whale watching, and cupcake searching a small town has to offer, and the average bedtime in the house is 7:30 for other family members, there's only one other thing left to do: blog.

I don't drink anymore, so yes, blogging is my only other option.

It certainly has been a while, so since I've done everything else (bar logging onto my work email, which I refuse to cave and check), I feel it's only appropriate that I crack my knuckles, and get into some serious updating here on Ye Old Mumbling Thoughts. Yes, a series of updates to, well, update on what has been happening since I last updated three million years ago.

Continue reading ""So lead me down to the ocean, our world is fine by the ocean"" »

Posted by Sam at 08:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The day starts off normal enough: shower, dry hair, make-up, clothes. Shove some breakfast down my mouth quickly, grab my travel tea mug, hop in the car, and I'm off.

Off to work.

Ugh, work.

It's not hard to see that I'm not happy behind my open desk with people shuffling by throughout the day. One could easily guess that if given the chance or opportunity, I'd leave in a heartbeat without a second consideration. I wouldn't think about the engineers I support, my fellow admins, or the other worker bees that I've gotten to know in the past year and a half. I've never been built for this bland surrounding, and I've known that for a long time now. I never will adjust to the random abstract art that they hang on the drab cream colored walls, the engineer topics I try to wrap my brain around and pretend to understand. It's just not me.

I don't know why I try to bend and conform to a place where I know I don't fit and I don't belong. I've been doing it ever since I graduated high school, and aside from London I've never been able to find a place that feels right. Instead I keep coming back here, to the plain government sector, to the safe confines of job security that pays enough, has bubble wrap benefits, and treats me well enough.

Why complain? Why always sulk behind my 24" monitor? Why wish for more, want for more, expect more from myself? Why not just stay, and accept the cushion that I've landed on?

Because inside I can't suffer like this any longer, and I know I can achieve more. I have better talents other than refilling the printer when it runs out of paper, or scheduling conference rooms for engineers who make triple my salary. I didn't get my degree in sorting the daily post, so why am I still at the beginning paying my dues?

I've not been trying hard enough for what I want. If I want it, then I need to work hard for it. If I want it, then I deserve it, and I'll get it, and it'll happen for me. It is possible. If I want to step outside of this administrative realm, then it's time for me to start walking.

My irritation with this place and myself has far surpassed a safe level, and I'm scared if I stay much longer I'll forget what I want to do in this world. I don't want to wake up and continue this hell routine for twenty more years. I want a job where I smile when I talk about it, and truly makes me happy, where I feel my purpose. Currently I feel an empty void that's craving to be filled.

Filled with words.

Posted by Sam at 08:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I seem to only write when I'm sad.

Sad or confused. Sad and confused. Confused and upset. Whenever I have something that has been sitting on top of my chest for an extended period of time and needs to filter through my fingeritps.

Why?

Can't I ever write when I'm happy? When I'm not in the process of trying to decipher some unknown feeling that has nestled inside me. Because I'm happy sometimes. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I have good times and enjoy myself, and smile, and I'm mindlessly overjoyed with everything around me.

But it is only when I'm sad when I take to the keyboard and dispel my dark insides, when I feel most compelled to share my rainy days. It makes me sound whiny and pathetic, like some kind of moaning baby that can't hack anything in life, but that's not always case.

It's my therapy in a lot of ways. When I'm down, and dark, angsty, and angry, I feel so intense. It scares me, but I feel more like myself. I feel drawn to the smoky corners, the inward battles, the clawing emotions. I feel it so much I can't contain it all within myself. I feel too much, that I have to dump it all here, on to the vast internet with stranger's eyes occasionally reading, sharing, and perhaps even understanding a little.

I've been trying to be happy, and stay happy, and keep consistent with my level-headed emotions. My life is nothing to be sad about. I can logically look at everything I've accomplished, everything I hope to accomplish, and everyone who surrounds me and knowingly say, "they make me happy. I have a good life."

And yet.

And yet.

The darkness still finds me.

Posted by Sam at 09:04 AM | Permalink

It is my most natural response to always expect the worst.

Always.

Things never go as planned, something will inevitably go wrong, life is a constant uphill battle, and there's no point in hoping for the best when you're always searching for the next hidden iceberg that you'll no doubt crash into.

That is my life. A mess.

So when something actually works out, I'm confused and left to sit and ponder in my spare time as to what I did exactly for something to not fuck up for a change. What did I do to deserve this? Why isn't there a huge dramatic fight/argument/tug-of-war of some kind that I have to suffer through in order to get to the other side? How did I end up in a happy, positive relationship with a man who shows me in so many different ways that he truly cares for me?

Where is that motherfucking iceberg?

Needless to say, I'm waiting for it. Most of the battles I've had to fight through these past couple of months are my own, internal, personal battles that I've been working on mostly in counseling. It takes time to learn how to erase past experiences and learn how to accept a positive change. Yes, I deserve a good man who's ready and willing to be there for me. Yes, I am willing to do the same for him and continue to work on being a good person every day. Yes, we are in this together and I'll learn how to be part of twosome.

And while I understand all of that, and I'm beginning to get used to having a man around on a regular basis, I can't help but feel like I'm always standing with one foot outside the door ready to dart at the first sign of danger.

Like I said, my natural response is to expect the worst.

If anything terrible or devastating happens, it'll probably be from my own creation. I'm a pro at devising up horrible situations and letting them play out, and then suffering in the aftermath of my own destruction. I am the queen of self-sabotage, and wallowing in my own self-pity. The past proves my emotional cutting patterns, so what makes me think that this will end on any kind of happy note? I am a habitual creature, and these past three and a half months have been wonderful, but how long will that last?

It is a fear that sucks all the air out of my lungs on a daily basis.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm walking blindly in a happy land of Happy Goodness all the time, and I'm not preparing myself properly for the end. When will it end? When will he stop calling? When will I start drinking again? When will we lose our jobs, get sick of each other, let the resentment settle in, grow bitter, and tear each other apart? When will I stop caring? When will all of these happy memories stop happening and I have to cry until they all blur away?

I'm not used to this stability. I'm not used to planning for the long-term. I'm not used to this kind of adult relationship and things sailing along smoothly.

I'm used to the end, and strangely find that more comforting than a bed with a warm body cuddled next to me.

Posted by Sam at 03:42 PM | Permalink

I thought a couple of weeks ago that I'd be able to finish my counseling on a high note, and tell Dale I wouldn't need to see her as often.

I'm okay now, can't you see? I'm pretty happy overall, and I don't cry for no apparent reason. Thanks for letting me talk it out and cry in the privacy of your office, but your tearful services are no longer needed.

That is until last week when I felt a familiar feeling start creeping up on me. I quickly shoved it aside, because I would not be sad. I refused to be sad. I would not let my stupid emotions get in the way of being normal and ruining my newfound stable life. My job is going as well as it could be, my family life is pretty much in order, I have a lovely boyfriend who adores me, and things are good for once. There was no need for me to start getting all gloomy for no reason whatsoever.

And I know better than to ignore it, because the longer I leave it to fester and pretend it doesn't exist, the bigger it gets, and the louder it shouts at me. It takes over all the thoughts in my brain until I have no other option than to finally deal with it. Again. Deal with my unknown sadness that seems to stem from nowhere.

So it's perfect timing that I have a counseling session set up for this Friday, where I can go and uncontrollably cry as Dale watches and asks me simple questions that bring me back to the light.

Until Friday, though, I'm now stuck knowing the fact that I'm back in a familiar dark place, and it's pretty hard to ignore anymore. Old distraction methods are hard to hold up, and I've resorted to shrinking into my quiet shell, listening to woeful music to soothe my melancholic emotions, and sleep every chance I can under my fluffy covers.

I've also tried to pin point exactly what is going on, since I'm a pro at identifying other people's issues, and have new tools I've gained from counseling to use on myself, and so far, the only big change in my life is indeed the new boyfriend, and this huge amount of pressure I've put on myself to maintain this newfound happiness. And I didn't want this dark cloud to be related to him in any way, because he doesn't make me sad. He is so funny, and likes me, and makes me laugh, and all of that mushy stuff that makes me feel the butterflies flutter inside of me.

This is more to do with me, and this giant ball of fear that has been sitting on my chest for weeks. It also may be magnified by the Depo shot I got so I didn't need to take a daily birth control pill, so all of those new, fun hormones are running rampant and getting acquainted with my body.

Still, I'm weepy for no apparent reason. Still, I almost cried at work today. Still, I almost cried in front of Jeremy because he was being so nice. Still, I clam up and hardly speak to anyone about anything, lest the one conversation about the copier is the special conversation that sets me off. Still, I can't help but feeling like something isn't right and like I've been down this knowing road before.

There's only one thing left to do until Friday, and that's to deal with this in the most grown-up manner: cry in the shower late at night after everyone's gone to bed. It's the greatest way to cope I've found, aside from taking up old bad habits.

Posted by Sam at 03:08 PM | Permalink

When he looks at me, he looks me straight in the eyes, and won't blink. He's staring at me with about four inches of space in between our faces, and he sees me.

I, on the other hand, will blink 100 times, and stare at his chin, or perhaps his cheek, but I won't lock with his gaze and hold it there. Because it terrifies me.

I have a boyfriend. A real boyfriend. A tall boyfriend. A smart boyfriend. A terribly funny boyfriend.

We have been "dating" or "together" or "whatever" now for about six weeks. That's our entire relationship, and within these six ongoing weeks, I've never thought that it could be this easy. "It" being coming together with another person who I'm so uncomfortably comfortable with. I didn't fancy him straight away, and thinking about it now, it's probably for the best. I didn't get swept up in him all of his presence, and it didn't take over my day-to-day life, which can easily happen whenever I am in-fancy with someone. Instead I pandered, I went back and forth on whether I should even attempt to be anything more with him, and thought long and hard about what I wanted to do with this new man presence who entered my world.

It's strange, though, because even though I was unsure of whether or not I wanted to make a serious attempt at getting to know him, somewhere deep inside me, ever since day one, I knew that I had the capacity to really be with him. I knew it straight away. I may not have acknowledged that little voice that said, "hey, this is a genuinely good guy," but I knew it existed, and even though it took me a few days, and a few dates to figure it out, I'm really glad I listened.

His name is Jeremy, he is two years older than me, and he's employed. He's well over a foot taller than me, he shares my love of cake, and it surprises me that we've only known each other for such a small amount of time, and yet already it feels like us being together is normal, natural, and right. I don't stress the small stuff around him, nor am I anywhere near as crazy and neurotic like I've been in the past with other guys. I think being sober helps a lot, and being a lot more aware of my true self is key. And I like him as a person. I like him a lot.

It feels like every thing happened so quickly, and took forever at the same time. A month after we started dating we became "official." The term boyfriend and girlfriend is now said out loud to other people, and I'm still getting used to hearing that word coming out of my mouth in reference to him, or hearing him say it in reference to me. We're obviously still learning about each other, but we're both so eager to uncover each other's lives and meld seamlessly in the present and our future, it's like we can't get enough. What's your favorite color, your favorite movie, your favorite food? What was your childhood like? What about your previous relationships? What do you want to do with your future? Tell me everything, because I'm dying to know everything about you.

I don't have to be Super Sam 24/7 when he's around. I can be boring, I can be cranky, and I can make zero effort with my appearance, and he still wants to hang out with me. I can be myself, and he'll still laugh. And I don't expect him to be anyone else other than himself around me. It is, truly, what I've been imagining for as long as I can remember.

Posted by Sam at 09:52 PM | Permalink

It's a story I never get tired of telling people: the story about how I met one of my best friends, Trish.

She is, in so many ways, my husband.

I'm serious. We petty fight like a married couple, we share an intimacy where we can talk about anything (I'll spare you the gory details), and we're both so honest with each other it allows us to be our complete selves without any fear of judgement. If she had a penis, I would have jumped her before she could blink twice!

Our story is so interesting to me, mostly because before we left for university we lived in the same area without ever encountering each other. It took both of us moving to a different country at the exact same time to finally meet. And there, both of us chain smoking in the Heathrow smoking lounge, I met one of my best friends.

The three years that followed, we shared our dream of living in London together. Everyone was going through the same thing, exploring who they were, and trying to figure out where they belonged in this crazy world, but Trish and I shared a different kind of bond; not only was this our first time away from home, but we were both in a foreign country! She ached for Virginia the same way I would ache for Virginia, and I remember one evening in particular when we sat on the metal stairs wrapped in my green flannel blanket when I shared for the first time, out loud, that I was homesick to Trish. She understood, and I'm so grateful that she was there with me.

Two years post university and we're still going strong. Our friendship has struggled upwards with my frustrations towards her, and her taking her own time to figure out her life in her own way. It's true, I get agitated and need to take a break from her, but I know we'll eventually talk everything out and get back to our friendship. Our most recent break was one of the hardest, but she taught me a valuable lesson during our three week stint of not speaking.

We stopped speaking, because I'd decided we were no longer speaking, and that's kind of how our friendship rolls sometimes. I'll need a break from her wonderful neurosis, and she'll give me the space I need. Generally when Trish calls me, she'll have a mini drama of some kind, or know someone who's having a mini drama and I'll listen and dole out my free advice. However, I am the kind of person that eventually needs some action behind your complaints. I simply cannot listen to the same thing over, and over, and over, and over. I'm proactive! Let's do something to change this problem! We can fix it together!

While Trish is very much up for changing something that's irritating her, it takes her some time to get to that point, but meanwhile she still wants to speak to me about the same issue. That's when I usually decide to envoke the I Need A Break From You Card, and I hate envoking that right, because in many ways I feel like I've failed her. This particular break, though, was more like a breakthrough for me, and now helps the way I view all people. It's an invaluable lesson, and I have her to genuinely thank.

And that lesson is no matter how much you love someone, how much you care for them, how much you want the best for them, and how much you think your way is right for them, they need to figure it out for themselves. All you can do is accept them for the beautiful person that they are, and be a supportive friend if ever they need you.

It was liberating, and now we can get back to business of being best friends.

My darling Trish. She makes me laugh, and reminds me to not take myself so seriously all the time. With all of this growing, and learning, and counseling I've been doing recently, it's easy for me to get caught up in all of the deeper issues in life, and Trish is always there to remind me, hey, chill out. It's only life. Now let's go hang out somewhere, and live like Peter Pan.

Posted by Sam at 12:58 PM | Permalink

You know what I love?

Counseling.

Holy shit do I love counseling.

Even when I don't have a major breakthrough, or whenever I dread going for whatever lame excuse, I still love going, because it's such an amazing release. I cry in counseling. I cry a lot. And because I allow myself to cry there, I don't cry as much in public places, which I was prone to doing before I'd go for my emotional cleanse.

I talk a lot about the heavy shit that I've been trying to cope with as well, and do my best not to babble on about pointless issues. I have to go in there focused, go in there with an open mind, and go in there without any fear of judgement. It is my "safe zone" where I'm allowed to think any kind of crazy thought, where I'm allowed to cry without feeling embarrassed or ashamed, and just be as honest as possible with myself.

Because if I'm not honest, well then there's not much point in going, is there?

Continue reading ""You could have a steam train, if you'd just lay down your tracks"" »

Posted by Sam at 03:44 PM | Permalink

Tell me what you're thinking.

Tell me how you feel.

Tell me how your day was, and what important things are happening in your life.

Because I want to know. Because I care. Because I see you. Because I hear you.

I like talking. It's one of my favorite things I enjoy doing. I like making a fresh brew, I like getting comfy on the couch, and I like having long, in-depth, intense, analyzing, touching conversations with people. I really enjoy sharing feelings, and going over similar situations that we've each gone through in our lives, and making that connection, relating to another person, that feeling of completeness, like "I'm not alone," even if for a brief moment until the conversation has passed.

I've been 25-years-old for about seven months now, and I have to say, its been pretty awesome. This has been one of my most defining years, and there has been a lot of self-discovery. A lot. So much self-discovery, I just don't know what to do with it all. Except maybe talk about it, and tell everyone what I've discovered.

Continue reading ""I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street"" »

Posted by Sam at 09:30 PM | Permalink

I don't know where I've been the past couple of weeks.

Well, I guess I've been at work, I've been at the house, I've been to different gigs, I've been to Raleigh.

I've been around.

I've mostly been working. Working and writing. Writing and working. I've been so busy just dealing with stuff, I forgot what I told myself back back in March. I need to make sure I'm taking time to chill out, decompress, and unwind from life.

If I don't, then the tiredness will catch up with me, and it will seep out in different unhealthy ways.

Right now I'm in Raleigh, NC waiting for Mel to get off of work so we can run a few errands before it's time for me to head back up to VA. Once I'm back at the townhouse, I'll have the evening to chill out before it's time for me to start back at work for another week. In between all of that I'll be going to gigs, and writing up reviews for an awesome music blog that I've started contributing to, and working towards my next big Life Goal, which is to move to Seattle, WA and immerse myself in that life for a couple of years.

But right now I'm alone in Raleigh, NC for a couple of hours. I'm alone, and it's quiet, and I don't have to worry or stress about anything for a little bit. I can enjoy this break and relax. I almost feel a little guilty because I'm not obligated to be doing something right now. What will I do for the next few hours? Well, I'll post to my neglected blog for a bit, and then I might read from one of the many books I've started, but have left unfinished.

And it will be glorious. I won't talk to anyone. I won't listen to music or watch TV, or have something else blabbering in the background to fill in the silence. I'll just be alone with myself and properly embrace this rare break in time.

I have missed you, my sweet blog. I've missed our time together, and sharing with you how I'm doing, and how I'm feeling. I hope that I'll be able to share more in the future, and not leave such big gaps in time. Because I realize how precious it is to have such a space like this, and I want to utilize it to its fullest, and see where I'm able to go with it. We'll see. We'll see how I do in the future.

Posted by Sam at 09:28 AM | Permalink

Today in counseling I was asked to write my father a letter. So that's what this is.

Momma told me that she'd never seen a child cry harder than when I cried on my fifth birthday.

I don't remember crying. I imagine that I have the memory of me standing in my sparkly birthday dress, holding the telephone, straining to understand what you'd said to me, dropping the phone, and then running off to cry for hours.

But I don't have that memory. I only have Momma's words, and all of her stories of how shit you were to her, to Mel and I. Sometimes I wonder why she retells me the stories over and over of how awful you were to all of us. Maybe in some way that's her therapy, or her way of reminding me of the reality, and not letting my imagination run off with crazy thoughts like maybe you've changed. Maybe you've turned over a new leaf in your life and you want to make amends with your past. How could you have changed? You're an alcoholic. You cheated on my mother numerous times. You gave away all of the new baby clothes that Momma bought for us to your sister. You gave away our cribs. Mel and I only had five outfits to share between the two of us, and we slept on a mattress on the floor while Momma was away in Italy for a year on TDY with the air force.

Or don't you remember?

How about when you drove us to our babysitters house and she said she could smell the alcohol on your breath at eight o'clock in the morning. Or what about all of that credit card debt you ran up and Momma had to pay off? Of course there's also all of the child support we never saw, all of the birthdays and holidays we spent just the three of us, and the hole that was left not just in the family photos, but left inside of Mel and I.

Continue reading ""Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, I heard you say"" »

Posted by Sam at 12:42 PM | Permalink

Sometimes a gal just needs some peace and quiet.

Like, real peace and quiet.

Like, sitting out on a pier watching the boats float by on the Potomac River, kind of peace and quiet.

No phone constantly beeping and interrupting. No laptop. No pestering. Just silence.

Back when I was at uni, it was easy for me to sneak away if I ever needed time to simply be alone and take a time out from life. All I had to do was lock myself in my room for a few hours, or duck out of the flat to one of the nearby parks. In a jam-packed city with people stacked on top of each other, I managed to find secret pocket holes all alone just for me.

I'm realizing these days that I never properly cherished those moments that I got to be by myself. Nowadays there's always someone hovering around just a few feet away, and my claustrophobia begins to slowly suffocate me. Someone is always around. Someone is always calling. Someone always needs something from me.

And I do appreciate my friends and family. It's sweet and a good feeling to know that people need you, to know that people want you, to know that they seek you out at times when they need words of advice, or a companion out somewhere. But my god, my sweet god, I can't do it all the time.

The thing that I've come to realize is that it's nobody's fault but my own that I don't have time to myself. If anything, before I had this insatiable need to be alone, I made sure that all of my time was scheduled with someone doing something. Before I yearned for some real quiet time, I was always on my super smart-phone making sure that I had plans for each weekend, that I was busy at work with multiple projects, that I was filling my weeknights with scheduled phone calls so I'd have someone to chat to for all time. And I never said no when a text would come through, or an IM window would pop up. I always made myself available to everyone who wanted a small piece of me.

I've discovered that I need to do a better job of balancing my time, and making sure that I have an adequate amount of "me" time set aside alongside my other social activities. It sounds so simple, and yet, it seems to be something I find difficult to ask for.

I can feel the agitation, the irritations, and my lack of patience start to boil, and before long I'm snapping at people, rolling my eyes, exhaling in that annoying teenage manner, and spreading my irritability around to everyone else. It's at this point when I usually upset people so much, I end up pushing them away, and getting a little more space than I wanted.

Be careful with what you wish for, because you just might get it. And in the end, do I really want to be alone? No. I mostly just require some time to decompress from everyone, from the world, from my day-to-day business. It's so easy for me to get bogged down by life. I just need a break from it all. Is that okay?

Sometimes I think no. Sometimes I think I don't deserve it, because, hell, life isn't really that demanding for me. I have all of these first world luxuries, and now I'm asking for time alone? How could I be so selfish! But time alone, for me, is priceless. Peace and quiet is what I require in order to function, to keep my sanity, and continue being that person that people want to call to spend time with. In a world where you can keep a constant soundtrack of background noise with TVs, cell phones, radios, and city stirrings, sometimes I think we forget how important it is to listen to absolutely nothing.

Posted by Sam at 12:03 PM | Permalink

Forget everything you know and start over.

My dinner this evening was a cup of tea and raspberry Lindt chocolate. A meal made for champions I'd say. It's raining outside, I'm tucked up in bed, and all I can think about is how much I miss my old stomping grounds in London Town. God, I miss it so much.

I miss the accents, the busy pedestrians too preoccupied to realize that they've knocked straight into me, and the constant stir of the city. I miss the airplanes flying overhead, the buzz of the traffic outside my window, and the orange glow of nighttime. I miss my friends, our high heels clacking on the uneven sidewalks, and chatting up strangers while trying to keep my balance. I miss my walks in the park, my rides on the buses, and the feeling of pure happiness whenever the sun decided to emerge from behind the grey clouds and kiss me on my cheeks.

I miss my city.

While I do miss it all, and all of the trinkets it holds inside for me, part of me knows it's going to be a long time before I ever live there again. What a sweet naive girl I was to think that I'd be able to go back within two years! I don't think so, darling. It'll only be brief trips and longing memories for now. But someday, when I'm ready and the timing is right, I'll go back for another permanent stay, and I'll be reunited with the first city I had a love affair with.

These days I work, I pay for things, I sort things out, and I do my best to save up money to do new, bigger things I have planned for myself in the future. Yes, it's all vague, and I purposefully leave the details out so I don't jinx it. Every time I open my big mouth and share any kind of idea I have on here I muck it up in some way shape or form. All I'll say is I'm ready for a change, and this change doesn't involve my passport, rather it simply involves a little creative initiative on my part.

I'm twenty-five now, and have been for roughly four months. I guess being a quarter of a century old isn't so bad. It's a lot fucking better than when I was twenty-four, I can say that much. Wow, twenty-four really sucked. The depression sucked. My hairstyle sucked. I sucked. Everything was just shit.

Now, though, things are still shit, but I'm nowhere near as depressed about it all. I do my best to be grateful every day for the things I have in my life, and somehow I feel myself settling a little more in my own skin. Two years out of uni, and I'm just now starting to think I'm almost recovered from it all. The time I spent there can now be translated into "when I was younger" stories, and I'm not scared to look back on the mess I used to be. Don't get me wrong, I loved every single minute I was there, but the dark days were some seriously dark periods in my life, and it used to be hard to think back on it.

I'm not reflective in 2011 as I normally am. At least not yet, anyway. I'm focused on what the future months have in store for me, and I'm ready to tackle it head on. I am ready for this change. I'm ready to start again. I'm ready to move forward, take a deep breath, and plunge into the deep end.

Forget everything you know and start over.

Posted by Sam at 01:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I tried starting up a new, secret blog, but it just wasn't doing it for me. I've come back to what I know, to who I am, and I apologize, my dear blog, for abandoning you in the first place. Forgive me?

He was tall, very tall. He told me that he was six feet, three inches, which made him well over a foot taller than me. He was smart, in a disconcerting way, but didn't brag about the fact that he had two patents under his belt. I wanted to brag about his two patents, and talk about the fact that he even had a patent was because he invented something. Hello, Thomas Edison, what else do you have up your sleeve? The only things I've invented are rude words, and I don't think it's something to be proud of.

We would text every day, and give each other a play-by-play of what we were doing on the hour, every hour. In the very early hours of New Year's Day, he phoned me just as I was drifting off to sleep and we talked about our separate evenings. He was in Idaho, you see, spending time on the mountain skiing, his one true love. I asked him that night if he liked me (I was still drunk enough to not care about asking such a stupid question), and he replied, "what are we, in the tenth grade?"

Yes, we are. Now answer my question.

He told me that he did like me, and I, of course, believed him.

After he returned and we were able to spend some time together without having to use our iPhones, I wasn't sure how I felt. Did I like him? Well, I was sure I liked him; he was a perfectly nice gentleman. He held doors open for me, helped put on my jacket, and paid for our meals out together. He was smart, and I was comfortable around him, but there wasn't....a belly flop.

The belly flop, I believe, is essential when determining that I fancy someone. The goosebumps I get when their name flashes on the screen of my phone, or the constant ache in the pit of my stomach waiting in traffic when I'm on the way to their house. It's what makes it real, it's how I know that I care.

With this tall, bearded man, there wasn't a belly flop. I thought there might be, but now looking back I think I just invented a belly flop so that I could have someone to be torn up about in the late night hours. True, we got along alright, and yes, we were very good with each other in between the sheets, but as far as just being with each other, there was a lacking of something necessary to make me care, to make me want to share my hopes, my dreams, my inner most private thoughts with him. That feeling wasn't there, and I think that's what makes me the most sad, now we no longer speak to each other.

There is a part of me that is begging, crying out to find someone that I can romantically be with and share all of my life with them. I don't know why this feeling exists inside of me, and why I'm okay with it running rampant throughout my body as I wander from one day to the next, but alas, there it is. There is a desperate need I have to really be with someone, to have them know me like no other person has known me before, and I'm so ready to embrace this part that I've ignored and shoved aside for so long.

The other half of me is obviously disgusted with the fact that Relationship Sam has been let out of the closet, and only wishes to shove her back from whence she came and throw away the key. Relationships? Gross. What happened to being an independent woman, huh? What happened to using men for sex only, and nothing else? What about spending time on figuring out who I am as a person, and making time to fulfill other life dreams? I don't want to get lost inside of some man and forget that I'm a person with needs too. Relationships are bullshit, okay? They don't get you anywhere in life except to the couch with a bowl of strawberry ice-cream and a stack of romcom movies on repeat in your DVD player. It's enough to make me gag.

Two very opposing sides that I float in between, trying to find an equal balance. Of course now there is no longer a man of any kind, tall, bearded or otherwise, and I'm back to square one of simply being happy with myself, with what I have, and trying not to dwell for too long on all the reasons why we would have never worked. There was a spark that never flickered for us, and it's a shame as well. He ticked many boxes on my list, except the most crucial one: no belly flop.

Posted by Sam at 02:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

My worst.

So many people have seen me at my worst. My friends, and countless strangers. I have inflicted my worst upon so many different people and have forced them to deal with it. Deal with me. Won't you deal with me at my worst?

I've been that girl so many times; that broken record has been on repeat for so long, and I know everyone's tired, bored, and frustrated of listening to the same track over and over. Trust me, I am too. But that song keeps on looping over and over again, like an old friend who busts in on your party and embarrasses you in front of everyone.

My worst is ugly, rude, obnoxious, ignorant, insecure, and loud. My worst shouts at strangers. My worst shouts at people I care about and says mean things to them for no reason at all, or for a very specific reason. My worst is usually drunk. My worst doesn't know when to stop, when to say no, when to put the bottle down, or how to deal with certain situations. So my worst drinks to forget, becomes over the top, out of control, and requires friends or strangers to deal with it.

I stopped talking to Pete because he couldn't handle me at my worst. Or rather I should say Pete stopped talking to me, because he couldn't handle me at my worst. I got drunk, as I do, and acted like a knobhead. I was a bitch. Actually, I was a downright cunt. I wouldn't speak to me afterwards either if I was him. My apologies were in vein, and he stopped calling because I gave him a reason to stop calling.

But just because I gave him a reason to stop calling (fair enough), that didn't give him the right to stomp on me even more after the fact. I'm very good at beating myself up, and making myself feel like world's biggest asshole. I'm a pro at knocking myself down, making myself feel like crap, and being a giant Debbie Downer. Trust me, I know how to make myself feel like shit. It's like second nature, and learning how to be the opposite is a daily challenge for me.

So I didn't appreciate his email analyzing my antics, making bold statements like he truly knew me, and jumping to extreme conclusions about my personal character. I got drunk and acted like an asshole. I didn't burn his apartment down, steal his money, maim him, and talk shit about his mother, so that did not warrant the Life Lecture email I received after four days of the silent treatment. Yes, what I did was mean and horrible, but the way he handled everything afterwards was equally just as bad.

The wasted time I spent with him at his apartment listening to music, reading books, talking for hours on end about life and our roles that we play in it, made me feel like I had been cheated. Had he been lying to me this whole time? His non-reaction isn't what I would have expected from somone who put on a much more evolved persona. While I showed off my worst in one evening, the rest of the time I was real and true, and showed my best. It didn't seem fair that he would cast me off so easily without a second thought. True, he didn't owe me any kind of second chance, but at the very least I thought we could have a conversation so we could wrap things up nicely and go our separate ways. Isn't that what adults do? Make mistakes and try to deal with them accordingly? I'm new at all of this, so I just wanted to make sure.

In any case, I've marked Pete down as 1) a waste of time, and 2) a lesson learned. I suppose if it's a lesson learned, though, that would cancel out it being a waste of time, but sitll.... what's the point in spending all that time getting wrapped up only to be chucked aside later?

Well, I suppose the point would be not to get wrapped up in the future. And to say no to the second bottle of white wine.

Posted by Sam at 09:47 AM | Permalink

I call him by his full name because I like the way it sounds when it comes out of my mouth.

It doesn't roll, but rather it oozes like honey out the corners of my mouth, in between my teeth, and wraps around my tongue. His name in my mouth tastes nice. It tastes so nice that I keep all other words inside and just repeat his name over and over.

It has been a month since I've met my man cub, and already it feels longer. Is this how it is when you find someone that you fancy? It has been a long time for me. I can see how easy it would be to lose myself inside his apartment, inside his life, inside his world and adopt it all as my own. I know it's not healthy in the long run. I already know that would be a dangerous path for me, and my co-dependent self wouldn't be able to handle the monumental crush of reality when he'd eventually take it away.

No, that's a definite path I don't want to head down. There are dark shadows down that path, trees with scraggly branches reaching out to grab me at any moment and suck me into a place I'm not strong enough to handle. It's tempting, but I do my best to keep an arm's length away for the time being, and not fall completely into him. Let me get traction under my feet first, and then we'll see how far I can fall.

It's hard for me not to think about it, though. I like to daydream, and I allow my mind to wander to make believe worlds where we're together living on a small farm, growing our own food, raising our own animals, and living in our tiny house with windows that stretch around the entire frame. He'd wear overalls without a shirt, and smoke his hand-made cigarettes while sitting on the porch swing reading; I'd be next to him with my legs across his lap writing in my notebook and drinking green tea.

It's a simple life that I really crave. A much different life from when I was in London.

London seems so long ago now.

When we talk, our legs, arms and torsos are meshed all together, and we only shift when one of our limbs starts to tingle. He rants about the government, about how he's ready for the apocolypse, and how there's no justice in this world for people like me who are kind-hearted. I tell him I only want the best for other people and I believe in the good in this world, but I can see where he's coming from and get frustrated with it all too. Why can't it all be like this? Why can't everyone feel like they're intertwined with another person, bottle it up, and spray it on every morning? If everyone felt this elated, surely they wouldn't want to create anymore destruction.

I'm enamored with him, but I'm also wary. I'm infatuated, but I'm also cautious. I'm taking it all in strides, and keeping an eye on who I am, not what we are. We are individuals with different goals. We are neither together nor separate. We don't belong to each other. He could stop calling me tomorrow, and I'd just go back to how things were before we met, before my thigh grazed his under the table in DC. I'd have to, because what else would there be to do?

But if he doesn't stop calling, and I keep answering...

Posted by Sam at 09:54 AM | Permalink

I have not carried the title of "girlfriend" for four years now.

I've not been anyone's other half, beau, lady, baby, sweetheart, or sweet-pants.

I have, on the other hand, been someone's whore, someone's one-night stand, and someone's slut.

Those roles are the ones I'm used to, hell, even more comfortable with. For a long time I thought it's who I was and wanted to be for the rest of my life. Why have one soul mate when you can go out any night of the week and find one? There are plenty of fish in the sea, and honey, I have caught plenty of them.

After my last hook up in London, and I came back home, I decided it was time for me to take a serious break from men. At first I really didn't have much choice since I was unemployed and living at home, so the opportunities to go out and meet someone were limited. But even after I got my job I wasn't extremely keen on finding someone right away. Sure, I have my work crushes and my Inappropriate Work Crushes, but nothing real ever emerges from those.

And so instead of focusing my energy on meeting someone else, I focused on remembering who I am. I worked on myself, made life plans, finally started putting my ducks in a row (what a shitty saying), and became totally in love and infatuated with myself.

I am woman, hear me roar.

That's when it always happens, too, when you're not paying attention long enough to notice what's happening right in front of your face.

I went out with Trish one Saturday evening, and had a really nice night. It was like I was myself, and drunk, but not for the old reasons why I used to get drunk. I drank, wandered up the street with our group, danced a little bit, and for that one night, felt good with everything in my life.

I also met Pete.

Pete and I spent the majority of the evening together talking, playing a random game, and just being cool with each other. I liked him straight away, but not in the dreamy "ooh I fancy him" kind of way. I was comfortable immediately with him, and maybe it was because of the wine, but there weren't any walls that night that are usually heavily gated and locked around me.

He called me a week later to my surprise, and asked if I wanted to hang out.

Hang out? Why was he calling me to hang out? Why was he calling me period? To hang out? A week later?

I wasn't sure what to do. A guy. Called me? How come?

Ever since he called me, we've talked pretty much every day on the phone, and have hung out a couple of times. He's different, which I like, and not like any of the other guys I'm so used to. The other guys were pretty obvious with the way they felt, the way they wanted me to feel, and I read our stories from beginning to end within the first two minutes of speaking with them. I would think to myself, "Oh, I know your game pal," and our entire future would manifest right there in our conversation. And then it would end, because I'd never call back.

I don't know why I call Pete back. I guess because I like him. I like how real he is with everyone, and how he doesn't give a shit about what other people think. He's honest (sometimes brutally so) and smart, and sometimes I don't say anything in the conversation just so I can hear him keep talking. He likes talking about issues, about things that are wrong in the world, and the Civil War. I don't have any opinions on the issues that he's passionate about, could care less about what's wrong in the world, and know squat about the Civil War, except that it was against the north and the south.

I can't figure him out. I can't easily just put a tab on him and be like, "yes, I like Pete because of x, y, and z." I just like him is all.

And I can't figure out why he likes me. I mean, he said he does, but I don't know why. Why would he like me? How could he like me? I'm insecure, have poor posture, and from time to time like to have pity parties for one. That's no good. I don't want him to see that. I don't want him to get to know all of me and it just be normal and okay. Why am I letting this happen?

Ever since our first long phone conversation, I've been thinking about retreating inside of myself and running away. I can't do this, I tell myself, and yet each time I still answer the phone.

I feel a freak out growing inside of me. I think about it happening when he's telling me about some kind of mineral and how it probably took three thousand years for that small pebble to form, and I'll just jump up and scream, "I can't do this anymore!" and storm out of the room.

"Do what?" he'll say.

"Be normal and comfortable in this situation."

This is me trying to figure it out. This is me trying to be brave. This is me trying to let myself fall for someone.

It's a very slow and agonizing process for me. His touch does ease the pain though.

Posted by Sam at 08:43 PM | Permalink

I wasn't built for these office walls.

I never was.

I reckon I probably look a little different walking around here in comparison to my other coworkers who are much more manicured for this environment. I'm still a bit rough around the edges.

What I was really built for was to be outside at a music festival somewhere with a cider in one hand, and a sandwich in the other. My face would be painted with a butterfly or some kind of sparkly design; I'd have a wide brim hat, denim shorts, and a tank top on keeping me cool. I might even have a daisy chain wrapped around my neck.

These past couple of weeks at work have been hard for me. I've been struggling to come in on time, and when I do get here, I've been struggling to do actual work. I've lost all motivation, and the more I sit in traffic, the more I am tempted to run away until I find that musical festival in the sun.

Other than boring work, I've been socializing a bit more, which is nice to take my mind off of my every day commute. I've gone out a couple of times with coworkers, and have hung out a few times with my new man friend, Pete.

I won't say much about my new man friend, however, because I feel like I might jinx something (I'm really good at jinxing myself). All I'll say is he makes me laugh a lot, and that timing truly is everything.

Otherwise it's been okay. I've had a lot of things jamming up my brain recently, and I need a weekend to sort it all out. First, clean bathrom. Second, organize bedroom. Third, write two short stories and one character sketch. Fourth, call local university and ask about classes for next fall. Fifth, continue working on moving somewhere that doesn't require me to sit in three hours of traffic every day. Sixth, continue having cuddles; they make the world go round.

Posted by Sam at 02:23 PM | Permalink

If I was a brave enough person, I'd quit my job, move to the beach, and give a hearty FUCK YOU to my student loans.

Of course I'm a coward, so instead I suffer in a job every day that I don't want to be doing, and continue a vicious cycle that will eventually kill me if I don't bring it to a swift end. Because I can't complain about my job. It's not allowed, ever, because I wanted this job SO BADLY, and when I finally got my job I was SO HAPPY, and now it's not even been a year and I'm SO BORED.

So. effing. bored.

Don't get me wrong, it's a good job. It's a great job, in fact. I know a lot of people who would love to be in this exact position (well, maybe). And the majority of the people that I work with are all so lovely, and so nice, that it makes me hate myself even more when I think, "I could really care less about your shitty problem right now."

Why do I think these horrible things? I should be smiling and whizzing around with sparkles shooting from my face, and be super delighted to be giving them their charge code number for an office move, or telling them which administration number they need in order to receive a Diner's Club card. Oh, you need a blank CD? Here, let me shit one out for you, no problem.

But I get so irritated, and I get so tired, and I've lost all motivation to be here. I don't want to do admin stuff anymore. At least not in this kind of environment. Maybe if I was an admin at a publishing compnay I'd be a bit more interested in what was happening around me; but at the moment, I wouldn't know if the building were on fire, because half of the time I'm not mentally here.

I know I want to go back to school, but I'm not sure if I can sit here for another two years. Maybe one year, but that's pushing it. Getting this job was a quick fix for some money in the bank so I didn't worry about having to sell myself on the streets in order to start paying for those goddamned student loans. Ugh, those fucking student loans....

I've been doing some thinking (uh oh Sammi Jo), and I saw that the company I currently work for has a site in the town that I want to move to. Now, true, I want to move on from this admin environment, and do something a bit more creative; but if I could somehow work full-time, and go back to school part-time, and live in a new town that is only two hours south, then maybe I won't feel like I'm in this rut that wants to tear my brain in half and leave me dead on the floor. I mean, it could work. You know, in my perfect world.

I need to think some more about all of this, and heavily weigh the decisions that I plan to make. All I know is I can't do this anymore. I can't live here, I can't sit in three hours of traffic every day, I can't keep doing the same repetitive routine every single day, otherwise I'm going to go crazy.

It's time for me to start taking those baby steps, and hopefully leap into something a lot healthier for me.

Posted by Sam at 02:36 PM | Permalink

Yeah, so you remember when I said I'd keep up with that blogging stuff every day?

I don't know why I say these things, and actually believe that I'll follow through. Because I'm tired from the department picnic today, and I am so not in a blogging mood. But alas, I am here, because I don't want to have to write 250 words extra for tomorrow. Even though nobody is forcing me to write, and nobody is holding me to writing every single day, but whatever, I'm doing it anyway.

So today was the department picnic, and I spent a good majority of the day outside playing badminton, eating barbecue, and drinking Pimm's with coworkers. It was a really nice day out, and I was surprised with how many people actually showed up.

Mmm I can't think properly. Major food coma and sleepiness from the sun. I'll blog tomorrow!!

Posted by Sam at 07:43 PM | Permalink

I'm blogging from work because I sat in two hours of traffic today.

Ugh, traffic.

So long.

Anyway, because of that, I won't be leaving the office until 6p.m., and since everyone generally leaves by 4:30p.m. around here, I've got some time to kill. Like, an hour's worth of time. I mean, yes, there are things I could be doing, but don't you prefer me being here with you?

Yeah, you do.

Tomorrow I'm taking the day off so I can drive over to my boss' house and help him set up for the department picnic that we're having. That means tonight I'll be up cooking the chili I said I'd bring (thank you for crockpots), and putting the gingerale on chill so my Pimm's is nice and cold for tomorrow.

Yeah, I'm drinking sweet booze while I'm at his house. I'll be surrounded by coworkers in my manager's house. Booze is definitely a must.

After the department picnic, I'll head home, pass out, and hope that I've not done anything too embarrassing in front of all my Inappropriate Work Crushes, Work Crushes, and my should-be father.

Saturday will be nice since I believe I'm going to have the entire house to myself. HELLO EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. That will be so perfect, since that's all I've been asking for since August. I just want to be alone! Like, for real alone. For more than two hours. I plan on giving myself a pedicure, breaking out my yoga mat, writing a short story, drinking multiple mugs of hot tea, and watching porn without my ear buds. Oh yes. It will be a grand day.

But right now I'm in the office.

My office currently is.....

Quiet.

I have my iPod playing Snow Patrol on low while I type this up. It's rainy and grey outside, but I wouldn't know since I don't have a window nearby that I can look out of. The only way I know what it's like outside is by asking those who have recently come inside, or checking the local weather report.

I can hear the air conditioning blow air out from the ceiling, and it makes me wonder how much longer we have until that air is no longer cold, but warm and toasty for the colder months.

Someone's keys just spun around their fingers. I guess they're getting ready to leave for the day.

One of my favorite's is still here and just walked by my desk. I don't like saying I have favorite's, because it doesn't seem nice or fair, but I totally have favorite's. This particular favorite that just walked by my desk likes to leave pens lying around the office because he has too many in the mug in his office that he keeps on his desk. He told me that maybe someone else will find it who needs it, and it can be their new pen. It's endearing and pulls on the strings of my heart. Bless his cotton socks.

Otherwise, it's quiet.

Bot of my manager's office lights are off.

The lights on the telephone are flashing red, indicating that the admins have left for the day. I'm a late stayer it seems.

Tomorrow's October 1st. Make a wish.

Posted by Sam at 05:23 PM | Permalink

I can't believe I've been blogging for twenty-eight days straight. I mean, yes, there have been a couple of shit posts where I only wrote five lines, but still... it counts.

Tonight isn't going to be any better, since I'm tired, yet again. I let Humphrey sleep in my room last night (because sometimes I need puppy cuddles), and he woke me up two times. The first time he jerked me awake because he was barking at some kind of imaginary intruder, the second time I thought he was having a heart attack, and the third time I finally was awoken by my stupid alarm clock that I hate with so much fiery passion, I have to physically restrain myself from smashing it against the wall every day.

So I'm not going to make that much effort with this post this evening. I am, however, going to keep up with blogging every day after BEDS. I've realized that I need to write every day, even if it is truly shit, because I simply need to. No more excuses, and no more letting it slide for three months without a word. I'm going to blog every day, and if I don't blog one day for whatever reason, then I owe the next day 250 words, and the 250 will continue for each day gone by without any word.

I'm going to start writing short stories as well, and post them up here whenever I get the wild hair. I've always got a lot of shit running around in this brain of mine, and I need to do myself a favor and get them out of my head so they're not always running circles with no end in sight. I've already thought of two teeny tiny micro short stories that I want to post, so hopefully I can get those up within the next few days.

Anyway, this was a nothing post to let you know....nothing. I'm going to clean the kitchen and hit the hay. Later days.

Posted by Sam at 08:07 PM | Permalink

Today was such a long day.

A long, rainy day.

And you want to know what's not fair? I had to go to work on this long, rainy day, when I blatantly should have been inside, under my covers, sleeping.

But no, I was at work, wishing I had a big bowl of mashed potatoes and fluffy slippers on my feet.

I was still really tired as well. I'm not sure if it's because I'm old and still recovering from Saturday (ah, Saturday), but I just didn't want to move in general.

Saturday was pretty awesome. I made some new friends with super awesome names (Amaranth is just so cool), witnessed a pretty intense fight (look at the police run!), and found a tavern that sells Magners for $5. I mean, if that's not a great night, then I don't know what is!

It had all the elements of old times out, but the main difference I felt was in myself. Yes, I was wasted (did I mention the $5 Magners?), but I wasn't Angry Drunk Sam, like how I can easily get. No, I was Happy Drunk Sam that was up until 4a.m.

We drove into DC in a 1987 Odsmobile that had the ashtrays connected to the seats in the back. Proper old school. It felt like I was riding around in someone's living room. We played James Brown, left the windows rolled down, and I watched as we passed the Washington Monument, the Treasury Department, and felt a familiar feeling of anticipation in my gut.

What would happen now that the sun sank low into the horizon? Who would we meet? What would we do? All of nighttime's promises were awakened inside of me again, and I thought, "I need to get out more. For real."

It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was just nice to be out, drinking, hanging out with strangers, and not thinking for a little while. I didn't want to think about work, my lame adult responsibilities, and stupid Big Girl Pants. I just wanted to dance, eat french fries from a brown paper bag, and huddle close with friends as the temperature dropped.

My final words for the evening were, "So, about Adams Morgan....."

Next thing I knew, it was 11a.m., I sounded like a man who smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, and smelled like something evil.

That's all I wanted. At least just for one night.

Posted by Sam at 07:30 PM | Permalink

Fuck me I almost forgot to blog today.

Let me just tell you, though, that I'm tired, hung-over, and yeah, just really fucking tired.

I"ll update properly tomorrow when my brain doesn't feel like it's sloshing against the walls of my skull. Ouch.

So yeah, another short, crap entry. But whatevs. I got drizzunk last night, and now I'm recovering.

Until tomorrow, watch this.

Posted by Sam at 08:07 PM | Permalink

I'M RUNNING LATE.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAVE AGES AGO, BUT I'M LATE.

SO I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BLOG.

JUST KNOW I'M GOING OUT TONIGHT AND I PLAN TO HAVE A WICKED TIME.

SORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS.

Posted by Sam at 06:52 PM | Permalink

Oh my god I don't get out enough.

I only had one drink! And, okay, granite the drink was the size of my face, but like, still.....I've been tired all day. I don't think I've done one productive thing, other than show up, which is generally required, so I guess it doesn't count at all.

But, god, I'm so tired. So. Tired.

Okay, you get it. I'm tired.

But, really. Tired.

Last night I went out with Trish and some of my lady coworkers who are awesome and make me chuckle in my belly. It was pretty small and low key, but still really good. I didn't want to get wasted, so I just got one GIANT SUPERMUG, for like, $7 (bargain), and nursed that bad boy all night. Of course I stayed out past my regular bedtime, too, so by the time I woke up this morning I was sluggish and wondering where my other three hours of sleep had gone.

I don't do these things regularly, so my body gets thrown into a spiral and starts shouting, "Hey! Old Lady! You don't do these things anymore, remember? YOU'RE OLD NOW."

And I'm like, thanks, Body, for reminding me how old I am. Now take a another shot and shut up. I'm young, dammit. Y-O-U-N-G.

I'm going out again tomorrow night, because I figure one night out isn't enough for me. LET'S BE REALLY CRAZY AND GO OUT TWICE IN ONE WEEK.

Young.

I'm going to dress up proper, where my cute little heels, do my hair and make-up real nice like how I've not done in months, and hit the town. I don't know where in town exactly we're hitting yet, but when we do hit it, HOO BOY. They'd better be ready is all I'm saying. I've already been out once this week. SHIT IS GOING TO GET INSANE.

I'll probably pass out in the bathrooms around 11 o'clock, because that's how Old Lady Sam rolls these days. Two drinks and I'm a goner. A cheap goner.

So yeah, today I've been very unproductive and I can't wait until 3p.m. I'll head on home, crawl under my covers and sleep until tomorrow's crazy night. I mean, I won't be able to function unless I get my full eight hours of rest.

SO HARDCORE.

Anyway, this post is poo. I'm blogging from work again, since I plan on going straight to sleep and definitely don't want to miss the last few days in BEDS.

I hope y'all had a lovely week. I'm going to go find a quiet, dark corner to doze off into for a while until it's time for me to leave. 'Til tomorrow.

Posted by Sam at 01:49 PM | Permalink

Today was my last session with my counselor, Dale. Well, it'll be my last at least for the next couple of months. I'll check in with her at the beginning of December to see how I'm doing, and let her know if I would like a referral through my insurance so I can continue with regular counseling.

I told her I'd like her to stay, and let me always have the option of coming back if I needed to, which she said would be fine. I don't think I need regular counseling. At least not anymore. I'd always like to keep her close, though, in case it all goes tits up again and I need to come see her. She is a security blanket in a lot of ways for me.

I cried a little bit today during my session, which is normal. It wasn't for a long period of time, and crying in front of Dale is no longer a big deal for me. I cry, I talk through it, I wipe the tears away, and we continue on. Our conversations in the beginning were quite deep and emotional, whereas towards the end I was giving her more updates on how much I've been improving.

And I have been improving in my own small ways. Just blogging every day for me has been an improvement. The fact that I decided to enter a contest is an improvement. My train of thought is no longer doom and gloom all the time, and now I try to look on the bright side of things. And if I do have a shit day, I know it's not the end of the world. The sun will rise the next day, and I'll have another chance to give it a go again. And I need to be grateful for all of it.

Still, I'm a bit sad that I won't be seeing her regularly. It's nice talking things out with her, and having her remind me to not always be so hard on myself, and make sense of all the craziness in my head. She has one of those soothing therapist voices as well that calms me when I feel the all too familiar lump rise in my throat before the waterworks start.

What will I do without her?

I'll do it on my own I suppose. I'll repeat everything she has taught me to myself whenever I feel blue, whenever I don't feel like doing something, or whenever I feel like my life is the bottom of a shit bucket, I'll remember Dale's words and remind myself, "hey, it's going to be okay." That's what grown-ups do right? They're able to handle themselves when things get a little rocky.

But I'm not completely alone of course. Momma is always here, and has been a tremendous support for me during this past year, and of course my friends are there for me as well. I'm never really alone. It's just being able to manage everything on a daily basis, and not randomly cry in public when shit starts to hit the fan.

It was a defining session for me in a couple of ways. I made Dale laugh a couple of times, which was oddly nice for me, and I think I saw a hint of proudness in her eyes when I left her office. Like, "yes, she will be alright. She will do good things. I'm glad she found her way out of the dark."

Me too, Dale. Me too. And I couldn't have done it without your help.

Posted by Sam at 07:36 PM | Permalink

I really don't like blogging from work.

See, when I started this whole BEDS project, I thought I'd just take some time for lunch (I'm so busy, I need to start taking a real, proper lunch), and I'd just blog during my lunch breaks, but it seems like the way this has turned out for me is I blog mostly at night after I get home. Which is totally fine, I have no qualms about blogging at home; I just thought I'd be able to finally get some kind of break at work.

I hardly leave my desk, which is a very hard habit to break, and a bad habit to have. When it's busy, it's sooooo busy. And when it's not busy? I'm usually catching up on something from when I was originally busy.

So the "blogging during my lunch" plan didn't work out too well.

Today was a rare day when I sat behind my monitor and did very little work. I listened to my music, cruised photos from space, and watched as everyone ran around me worrying about their work.

I just don't feel it today. It's not happening. I don't want to do this right now. I sat in two hours of traffic, and decided halfway through that that I'm done with the day. I don't even really feel like typing up this blog right now, but I am, and I'm typing a bunch of shit just so I can fill space, because I don't want to skip a day "just because I don't feel like it."

So blah.

There's my crap post for Tuesday.

Saturday I plan on going out in DC. It'll be the first time I've gone out in any kind of social form (that's not considered a happy hour) in....well....a long fucking time. I will be donning my fancy high heels, a sexual dress, and hope to meet someone who is SINGLE with a well-groomed beard. "Well-groomed beard" being the key words.

Ugh, I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully when I care a bit more.

Posted by Sam at 04:07 PM | Permalink

All I want is a little quiet every now and again. Is that too much to ask for?

I suppose it is.

You know its been a while since I've been alone.

Alone.

I thought about it, and the only time I'm alone is when I'm in traffic. And really, I'm not alone, because I'm surrounded by other poor saps who are stuck in traffic as well. We all want to kill ourselves, too, so it's not the greatest bunch to be alone with.

When I'm at the house, Momma is always somewhere near, and obviously Humphrey is here with me. When I'm at work I'm always with coworkers. When the fuck can I just be alone?

This is the complete total opposite of my time spent at uni when I thought I was alone too much. You just can never please me it seems. First she complains because she's alone all the time, and now she complains about never having any alone time. Make up your mind!

It is annoying being a Libra sometimes. If you believe in astrology mumbo jumbo (and I totally do), then we Librans are always struggling to find the balance in life. If we're off kilter, even by a smidgen, then we get thrown out of whack and usually need an entire week to get back on track.

My birthday will be coming up on the 7th of October, and I think the only thing I want is to be alone. I don't want to have to think about taking Humphrey outside for his daily walks, I don't want to sit and have a three hour long conversation with Momma (which, don't get me wrong, are nice to have from time to time), and I want to sit in a room all by myself and do absolutely nothing.

Well, maybe I'll watch some TV, but otherwise I don't want to do a goddamn thing.

I've spoken to Dale about my need for quiet, alone time in a couple of our counseling sessions, and she asked me if I'd be satisfied after I got my peace alone, or would I worry about Humphrey, think about Momma, or wonder what they were doing at work.

Fuck no.

I wouldn't worry about a fucking thing. All I'd need is one day (if I could be greedy, I'd ask for two days). Just one day! Out of all 365 days in the year, just give me one to be alone. Let me have the house to myself. Let me go to a nice hotel and wrap up in the terry cloth robes. Let me waste an entire day on the internet guilt-free. Let me read a book without interruptions. Let me lay.

All that time at uni I was alone. For the majority of my time unemployed I was alone. And I hated it.

But I need it again. Just for one day. Just for one day. Please.

Posted by Sam at 08:00 PM | Permalink

Today we cleaned, ran errands, blah, blah, blah.

It was a productive Saturday for us, and that's so strange, because usually we spend our Saturdays on the sofa talking about what we'd like to do, but never actually get around to doing it. So yes, very successful for Momma and myself.

Although I don't really have much to say today (surprise!), and I'm pretty tired from all of the productiveness, so I'm going to keep this one short and sweet (like myself, yo).

This morning when I was being productive on the internet, I found a yoga class in my local area that I was so ready to sign up for. It wasn't too pricey, it was only about 15 minutes away from the house, and I thought it'd be a nice way to meet some new people out of my daily social circle. Instead I went to Target and found a nice Yoga beginner's kit with a free yoga mat included. It was much cheaper than the classes, so I thought I'd start off with that, and eventually work my way into a class.

That should be my exercise taken care of.

I also found a writing contest that I'm going to enter. I plan on posting the first draft tomorrow here, working out some of the kinks, and then submitting it sometime this coming week. The prizes are pretty sexual, and I'm not saying that I'm a definite shoe-in, but there's no harm in giving it a whirl. My low self-esteem, and judgmental voices automatically kicked in, letting me know how shit I am and to not even bother, but like I mentioned earlier, fuck the fear. The fear can kiss my ass. The fear can shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I'm doing this yo.

So yeah, not much to really say, but I'll be back tomorrow. I hope your Saturday was fit.

Posted by Sam at 08:18 PM | Permalink

35 minutes until I'm allowed to go home for the weekend.

Yesssss.

This has been one of the longest days ever. I kind of did work, and then I kind of didn't. I spent half of my day talking to people, and one of those people just happened to be one of the many crushes I have here at work that I probably will never talk about in detail, because what's the point really? He has a girlfriend (they all bloody do!), and even though he's fit with a well-groomed beard, doesn't mean anything. Except it is distracting, and after I spoke with him about many musical topics, my brain decided to take a detour from Work Thoughts, and moved onto Never Gonna Happen, But Doesn't Hurt To Think About And Torture Myself With thoughts.

So yeah, it's Friday. Got any plans? I plan on going home, popping a muscle relaxer, and not thinking about work. Well, not thinking about anything. I'm tired of thinking y'all. I think all the bloody time, and it's fucking exhausting. I can't believe people go years without taking a vacation. I think I need at least three in one year.

Next week I plan on putting together a little happy hour, inviting my friend, Trish along, and having a couple of drinks; without the muscle relaxers, of course, but I sure could do for a drink. I think my counselor, Dale, would tell me that's not a healthy way to unwind, but I need a cider. I need a vodka. I need a something that will make me sink in my chair a little lower, and wash over me.

For the record, blogging at work is poo. I dislike it.

Posted by Sam at 04:10 PM | Permalink

It's late.

Actually it's only 8:15p.m. It's late? Ha!

Well, I took my muscle relaxer before I started blogging, so it feels late. Or I just feel extra sleepy. This post should be fun!

I'm going to keep it simple today folks. Sammi Jo won't be in the building for very long, and before you know it, my typing will look like zslkadfj;aweirfadslkfjosiadjfmcj/

zzzzzzzzz..............................

So today wasn't really anything special. I woke up late (muscle relaxers are fun!), and didn't roll into work until 9a.m. or so. Yeah! I'm on top of it. My back does feel better, though, and I did have one of the best sleeps I've had in a long time. Otherwise the rest of the day was just me fussing with expense vouchers, setting up more meetings, coordinating interviews....

zzzzzzzzzz...........................

Fascinating stuff y'all.

It was a long day. I had to make up my time today since I've been getting off work early to tend to my achy breaky back. I didn't leave until 6p.m., and it's always a bitch trying to battle traffic IN THE RAIN. People lose their senses.

Since I don't really have anything interesting to say, I'll leave you with some of my observations I've made in the past day or so.

- While most of the people I work with tend to be socially awkward outside of work, I'm socially awkward inside of work.
- Everyone knows someone who has injured their back in the last five years, or they themselves have injured their own back, and have advice they'd like to share.
- I don't like sugar cookies as much as I thought I did (where are all of the chocolate chips?).
- Just because she's young and holding an infant, it doesn't necessarily mean it's her child. Not everyone is off of Teen Mom.

That's my Thursday. See y'all tomorrow.

Posted by Sam at 08:28 PM | Permalink

I'm getting ready to take a muscle relaxer, but before I throw back 500mg of CHILLAX, I thought I should write up Ye Old Blog first.

Yes, I went back to the doctor for the millionth time this year. I've actually lost count on how many times I've gone to see good 'ol Dr. Chana. He's the greatest doctor in the whole world (in my humble opinion), and has no problems prescribing things to me. I have a sinus headache? Here, take some of this nose spray. I am depressed and tired? Go have some blood work, and then we'll prescribe you something. Vertigo? Here, have some nausea medication. And he always tells me to come back if it's not gone within a week. If it's still there, then we'll take the next step (which generally involves an X-Ray, further blood work, or an MRI for hidden tumors).

Today it was the muscle relaxer, anti-inflammatory medication, and then an acid reflux pill that's unrelated to my messed up back, but I asked him about it anyway since I was already there and it has been bothering me for the past couple of days. I'm such a case.

He asked me how I hurt my back, and I had to tell him it was caused by me trying to sort my posture. I'll be sure not to make THAT mistake again. The man I hopefully meet will have to learn to love my humpback, and apply suntan lotion on the hard-to-reach places. That's when I'll know we're meant to be.

Anyway, Doc Chana said that I'm too young to be having these kinds of back issues (well, yeah!), told me that I need to start exercising.

Um, what? Exercising? I don't know what that is. Isn't that when I go to open the refrigerator door for more food?

The repercussion for not exercising? Effing. Physical. Therapy.

God! That'd be well embarrassing! Even more embarrassing than having to take a muscle relaxer because I threw my back out. Ugh. Fine, you win Doc Chana. Exercising it is.

I've decided to do yoga. Yeah, I figure it's probably the best way to go for me, and shouldn't result in too much sweating. I hate sweating, and yet I'm sure I'm the sweatiest woman on the planet. We have that yoga program on the Wii (we never use the bloody thing), so I thought I'll start with that, see how long it takes me to get frustrated with it, and eventually sign up for a class in my local area.

Physical therapy. Pffft.

Posted by Sam at 07:24 PM | Permalink

Don't you hate it when you forget what you're wearing halfway through the day? That's never happened to you? It happens quite a lot to me, and sometimes I'll look down at myself and think, "shit, I forgot I was wearing this. What a crap outfit."

Anyway, my back is still out of commission. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can hook me up with some pills, and then I'm probably going to start working out, because I'm disgusting. Plan.

I don't want to talk about my back, though. Instead I want to share a conversation that I had in my head the other morning with two other voices that started talking to me while I was in traffic. Yes, I have a lot of voices in my head. These two just happened to be agent-type voices kicking around some potential writing ideas.

Agent 1: So you've come to us why?

Me: Because I've been writing some things recently, and I wanted to see what you guys think. I mean, nothing is set in stone at the moment, but I'm trying some stuff, reworking some things, have some stuff in the pipeline....

Agent 1: Basically you want us to tell you if it's crap?

Me: Well, um, yes. Please.

A 2: Okay. Shoot.

Me: Well, I thought maybe I could write a short story. I used to love writ -

A 1: A short story! That'd be great. A love story? No, those are shit. There are tons of love stories out there.

A 2: Um, yeah, but love stories are classic. People never get tired of those. Just switch some things up, update it a bit, and voilà! Instant hit.

Me: Actually, I thought more along the lines of -

A 1: You're right. I suppose it could be a love story. Maybe a thriller love story?

A 2: That might work. I like the sounds of it.

Me: Guys! I'm not writing a thriller love story. Or a love story for that matter.

A 1: Okay, well if you're not writing the next classic thriller love story, then what are you writing?

Me: Well, I've not exactly worked out the details, but I was thinking I should start with some kind of short story. You know, keep it small at first, and not dive head first into a novel or anything.

A 1: Fuck novels.

Me: Excuse me?

A 1: Fuck novels. They're overrated. What YOU need to write is a screenplay.

A 2: Yes! A screenplay! Television, movies. It is ALL about film these days.

Me: It is?

A 1: Of course it is. Avatar, Weeds, Modern Family. THAT is what you need to go for.

Me: But I went to like, two screenplay writing lectures. I hated the lecturer with his lazy eye and curly hair. It was off-putting. I wouldn't even know where to start.

A 2: Google! Everything's on google. And you're friend, Alex, did Screenplay Writing. Your one lecturer did say that your stories are dialogue heavy. And didn't your friend Melissa say that she did that one time, too? Lemons? Lemonade!

Me: Mmm....I suppose I could try. That still leaves me with the question of what to write about.

A1: Who would we cast in the movie?

A2: Not sure. They're are so many hot stars out there right now. We could stay classic with Brad or George. Lady-wise there's that blond woman from Grey's Anatomy who's everywhere these days.

A 1: Katherine Heigl.

A 2: Yeah, her. She'd be good to get! A fortune though.

Me: Guys.

A 1: Fuck Katherine Heigl.

A 2: Okay, what about Natalie Portman?

Me: Guys....

A 1: She's intense. Hot though.

Me: GUYS!!

A 1 & 2: What?!

Me: We can't start casting random people! I've not even come up with an idea of what to write yet! And you're already casting characters?!! Geez. You're no bloody help.

A 1: Fuck you, then.

A 2: Wait, can the screenplay be a thriller love story still? We could get Jennifer Love Hewitt.

**

So I guess I'm writing a thriller love story screenplay starring J'Love.....

Posted by Sam at 08:52 PM | Permalink

I just aged fifty years.

I'm sitting on the couch with Momma's heating pad from the early 1980's ("its always smelled like that, Samantha"). Why? Because I pulled a muscle earlier today and it hurts to sit/stand/blink.

I'll tell you how I pulled the muscle as well.

I was trying to sit up straight.

Yes. I was trying to improve my posture since my manager (my should-be father) has commented on a few occasions that I need to sit up straight. Don''t I know it's bad for my back? It's not healthy to stay in a slumped over position all the time (that's what she said. Zing!).

WELL, since I've been a lot more conscious about how I sit at my desk, today I was trying to maneuver in a way that would help my hunchback of Notre Dame physique, and pulled a muscle that I had no idea existed in my left lower back. It was like one second I sitting, and one wrong turn later I was doubled-over at a 90 degree angle commenting on how nice everyone's shoes were.

So yeah, that just made my Monday awesome. Minus the awesome.

I wanted to have a different topic for today's post, but since all I can think about is which pretzel move is most comfortable for me, I thought I'd just blab on about this instead. Isn't that so interesting?

No? I'll try again tomorrow.

Posted by Sam at 08:19 PM | Permalink

I clearly remember my lecturer standing at the front of the room, pacing back and forth with the end of her blue ink pen in between her lips and said to our group in a matter-of-fact voice: "Over half of you in this room will fail to become a successful writer."

Just like that, she killed the eight-year-old Sam inside of me.

It was my final year at uni, and already I had failed without even truly starting. That's it? Those are the words of wisdom you want to leave us with? We're going to fail? Gee, thanks. I'm glad I just wasted over $50,000 to hear you say that, dream killer.

I understand that they wanted to prepare us for the future, to not get our hopes up about instant fame and fortune. Writing is not an occupation that one pursues in order to become the next billionaire. There is a reason why the cliché is, "starving artist". What I didn't understand is why they had to be so brutal about it. We're writers. Our fragile emotions can't handle such harshness.

Now that I've let some time pass by, and have worked through my anger issues in counseling, I've come to the conclusion it's because they wanted to instill The Fear in us all, and weed out the true writers who are strong enough to handle the future of a writer, and those that simply want to do something that seems easy. I tell ya, that day I felt the motherfucking Fear. The Fear still lives inside of me and tells me every single day that I am shit, and I should give up now, because look at all of this shit that I spew out every day. Shit piled on top of more shit.

The Fear sits right next to Judgement and Self-Loathing on my shoulders. The three of them occasionally get together and think of new ways to make me cry. I see them sometimes playing a game of cards, smoking, drinking cheap beer and chatting about how shit I am.

"Did you see that you guys? She got an award for being outstanding at work and hosting that conference. Let's tell her the only reason why she got the award in the first place is because she was the only one left in the department who had yet to receive a spot award, and the only reason why she got it is because they felt bad for her." Judgement is a cruel, cruel thing.

The other two agree, and next thing you know I'm crying, yet again, about how shit I am.

They're right. Why would they want to give me something to appreciate my work? It's obviously a scam.

The Fear. I am scared of The Fear. I feel The Fear, and that's why I do things that are safe and never try do anything outside of my comfort zone. It's because The Fear scares the crap out of me.

Back when I was a lot younger, though, more innocent and less susceptible to The Fear, I was so brave. I believed I could do anything. I can write stories, I can tell people what I believe through the words that I write. See these words? Aren't they inspiring? Don't they make you want to sing, cry, and laugh all at the same time? I wrote these words that move you so much. I told this life-changing story. I have people writing me to tell me how much my words helped them through a tough time in their life, and because of my story they are doing better now.

These are my words.

I let The Fear and my depression consume me for so long. I'm still recovering from the years of blackness that covered my skin, that sank into my blood, and poisoned my mind. But I am recovering. That's the important thing.

I remember one evening I was sitting on Momma's bathroom floor with my school notebooks scattered all around me. Momma was washing the day off her face, and I had a pencil in my hand half talking to her and half talking to myself about a mystery story that I was writing.

"They'll find her, lying on the floor, covered in her own blood. She's been shot, wait, no, she's been knocked in the head. The bruises would have already formed on her arms, and the detective will know that she had been tied up before she died. She was tortured! But he's not sure for how long...."

Momma looked at me and wiped the water off her face with a washcloth.

"That's a bit brutal, Samantha."

"I know, Momma, but it's part of the story. If she's not dead, then it won't make sense."

I couldn't have been any older than eleven, and I was writing about some poor blond woman who had died a horrific death. I was busy telling a story, and doing so with a passion that I wish I still had today.

I'm still taking baby steps, but one day, I hope to make the passionate little girl who would sit on the bathroom floor proud.

Fuck The Fear.

Posted by Sam at 08:49 PM | Permalink

It's time for my first cup of tea for the season.

It tastes like autumn, smells like London, and as I hold the mug in my hand I can hear one of my flatmate's voices as they ask me again how many sugars I'd like.

Two please. Three if you're using the bigger mug. And green milk.

England's weather allows for hot tea all year round, however, since I've moved back to Virginia, and Mother Nature has had a Summer Death Grip on us, I've switched my steaming mugs for tall glasses with ice cubes and sweet iced-tea. So this first mug of hot Tetley is, in a small way, special for me.

Each year when the seasons change, I always make it a point to stop and look around. Look at the trees changing. Feel the cool air prick against your cheeks. Smell the wood fires. Pack away the summer shorts for fluffy hoodies. And, of course, start drinking hot tea again.

The other day I was sitting at long dining table for a coworker's farewell lunch, when he randomly asked me if I missed England. I responded with a quick, polite nod and let other people talk about their past experiences in the country, and wash over my answer. Chris had stayed on Mayfair one time when he went over. Simon visited frequently with his wife. Wasn't their public transportation so great? Europeans are much more relaxed than Americans, and take more time off work. We should adopt this kind of mindset into our own daily living.

The conversation shifted onto sleep apnea, and I continued to eat the bowl of chips that were sitting in front of me.

Yes, I do miss London. I don't like to talk about it too much, because it starts to feel like I may never go back. After I first returned, people would ask if I had plans to move back, and I would answer firmly, "in two years." I was so sure that it would only take me two years, and then I'd return, pick up right where I left off, and that would be that. End of story.

Of course I'm already a year and a half in, and there are no solid plans for me to return permanently. Only brief visits every eight or so months, but nothing like how I was before. I think one of the main reasons why I was so sad over the past year (especially after my visit in April), is because I was mourning the loss of that life. It was such a huge thing. It was the first, real time I had ever felt like I belonged, like I was a part of something, like I finally fit in somewhere.

Coming back home wiped all of my uni time clean. I was back in a state that I never really liked to begin with (although I'm growing to see that it's not all fire and brimstone), back in a house that is so far out it takes me nearly thirty minutes to get anywhere that's partially interesting, and work with a group of smarty pants scientists that unintentionally make me feel inadequate. It's not exactly the life I hoped I'd fall into after I finished.

There are things I still want to do, places I still want to travel to, new people I don't know yet, but desperately want to meet. I'm still waiting for something to happen, and part of me knows it won't happen with me just thinking about it all the time.

Then again, there are also things holding me back, like my SSL's (Scary Student Loans). Those put a huge limit on my present life. I definitely can't run away from those, and until I can get rid of at least two of them, I'm pretty limited on Life Options to choose from.

But it's not just money holding me back. I hold myself back as well, and don't take daring chances. I'm all about playing it safe now, sticking to the rules, and living a straight-laced life. I wear what I like to call, my "big girl pants" and every day they get tighter in the waist. New bills start showing up at the house with my name on it. New situations come up where I can't react like a grumbling teenager, but instead have to act appropriate as according to Human Resources. And old things are sacrificed in order to better accommodate this new Big Girl Role.

It's so tiring.

My manager, who I truly believe was meant to be my father, said to me the other day, "don't just work for money. If you only get up every day for the money, then you're not doing it right. If you do something you love, then it's not really work."

Every day I wake up so I can get paid. Plain and simple.

And so I come back and think about my recent, straight-laced life choices. Sure, they've gotten me this far, but they've not given me what I truly want. I think it's time I start doing something a little crazier with my choices, a little more off-the-beaten-path. It's time I do something more than "just for the money."

I think it's time to put those business cards I won months ago to good use. I do have 500 of them after all.

Posted by Sam at 07:21 PM | Permalink

I got off work early today because I felt like it.

There was work I could have done, but my forty hours were up for the week, and I thought, fuck it. It's Friday, the weather is cooling off, and quite frankly, I didn't feel like sitting there anymore. So I left at 3:30 with specific instructions not to call me if they needed anything. It can wait until Monday, understood?

I got home at 4:30p.m., which for most people is a normal time to arrive at home after work. Normally I'd still have about an hour or so of sitting behind my desk, and I generally don't make it to the house until 7p.m. Did I mention I wake up at 4a.m.? Yeah, it's pretty shit. I love my coworkers, and the work isn't strenuous, it's just the commute that weighs down on me. But whatever. Not much I can do about it now.

The windows are open in the house, and I'm sitting in my blue fluffy robe to keep myself warm from the evening chill. Recently I've been taking the time to blog at the end of the day on the couch, and when I crack open my laptop and start clicking away, Humphrey hops up next to me and falls asleep like those perfect little dogs that you see in movies. It's like he knows I'm trying to put my thoughts together, and he decides to be a picturesque puppy. My sweet boy.

I thought earlier that I'd have something to talk about or write about when it finally came time for me to sit down and churn one of these suckers out, but alas, I am at a loss for words. I don't know what to talk about. What do you want me to talk about? Any suggestions? That'd be really helpful right about now.

Sometimes I really want to blog about work, but I'm so scared of getting dooced that I do my best to stay away from the topic altogether. Besides, it's not like there's anything super exciting to talk about. My work is pretty standard, and there's always the day-to-day office politics. Blah, blah, blah. I do work with some hilarious people, although I'm not sure if they know they're being hilarious. They're just funny to me, and I reckon they'd more than likely be offended if I told them so. I mostly support engineers, though, that get paid a large sum of money (in comparison to my meager wage) to sit and work on computer codes. They're big fans of video games, motorcycles, and geocaching, and most of them are polite gentlemen that any lady would be proud to bring home to the parents. They're big geeks, and sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling to just squish them.

But I don't talk about it here, because my overwhelming feeling of fear is greater than my feeling to squish them.

Since my work does consume about 80% of my life, though, and I won't allow myself to write about work, it kind of limits me on daily topics to choose from. So if any of the four readers out there have a topic suggestion (a big shout out to my reader in Singapore!), please, feel free to let me know.

Posted by Sam at 08:44 PM | Permalink

There used to be a time when I was a fun gal to hang out with. I used to go out, have drinks with my friends, dress up and just do general crazy ass shit with them. We'd get dressed up for all of the different university activities, and it didn't matter how much of a fool we looked like, we'd still go out and have a ball.

These days I feel lame. I feel very unsocial. I feel like my life only consists of going to work, coming home, barely recharging my battery and then waking up the next morning to do it all over again. And that's it. That's all I do. I used up all of my Fun Chips when I was at uni, and now I must resign myself to complete and utter dullness 24/7. I guess you could say I'm in a rut. A very boring rut.

For a while I thought that I deserved the boring life, and that my days of doing crazy ass shit was over. It was time for me to cross over into Adulthood now, and adults don't do crazy ass shit. Ever. They look back fondly at their funny antics and retell their story to youngsters who probably own fake IDs.

Yes, I'm in a quarter-life crisis. I'm very much aware of this. I'll be turning twenty-five this year, and fuck me if that isn't a scary achievement that everyone eventually goes through.

I'm turning twenty-fucking-five.

The past year has mostly been spent crying and reflecting back on every bad decision I ever made, and turning that into yet another reason to hate myself. I was mourning my university life and trying to figure out where I fit in this new Adult World. Now what the fuck was I going to do? I can no longer wake up at noon and go to the bar at 2p.m. anymore? This is not acceptable? Well, fuck you then! Oh, saying "fuck you" is no longer acceptable either? Well this just fucking sucks.

It was a vicious cycle to say the least, but I'm okay now. Remember, I realized this while I was in traffic and it was raining outside.

Now that my Dark Cloud has broken up for the most part, and I can see things a bit clearer, I'm still pressed with the same questions I had before, but without the crippling effects. Where do I fit in this new Adult World? Who am I really? Who is Sam and what does she want to do?

I want to write y'all. For real, I want to write. I still don't know exactly what I want to write just yet, but that has always been the answer for as long as I can remember. Y'all all know this. It's only the thing consistent in my entire life, other than my mother and sister. I want to write.

Hence my participation in BEDS. I figure there's no better way to get started than to get back to the basics. Strip it like Christina Auiglera. Write something every single day, even if it's shit, even if no one reads it, even if it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Write. It. Down.

Because I can't stay in this rut forever. I can't continue barely living. Barely living. I don't have a social life. I have my job, traffic, and my dog. I don't do crazy ass things anymore because my schedule and my new life does not allow it.

But it doesn't have to be like that. The nice thing about free will is that you have the power to change things to a certain extent in order to make your life more accommodating for yourself. It's one of the simplest things that everyone is always talking about, but didn't finally make sense to me until a couple of weeks ago. I have the power to change, and by god I will. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen. You know, so long as I don't get hit by a bus or anything.

One day, I want to be fun again. One day I want to have a great balance between work, family, and friends. I don't want things in bits and pieces. I want it all. All it takes is one step. And the dedication to do what you want every. single. day.

Posted by Sam at 08:30 PM | Permalink

While I sit in traffic I watch the sun rise in the east. The sky goes from deep blue, to purple, to pink swirled with orange, and eventually to light blue. By the time I leave work, I watch the opposite effect as I'm sitting in the same traffic to go home. My days are truly long, and honestly, I don't see how I'm doing it. Gotta get paid somehow, though, right?

Now that the kids are officially all back in school, I have to wake up at 4a.m. to be out of the house on time. During the summer months, I could get away with sleeping in a little bit after my alarm clock started shouting at me, but now I can no longer hit the snooze button. It's only the first week, and I'm afraid I'm going to start slacking as the days get colder, and my willpower grows thinner.

So yes, a very long day for this blogger that's trying to keep a steady pace for Blog Every Day in September. However, on this particularly long day I'm going to have to make this another short post. Right now I'd much rather wash my face and then take my sweet Humphrey out for his evening walk before we have cuddles. Tomorrow I'll write a little more.

Posted by Sam at 08:39 PM | Permalink

I love long weekends. What I hate is when they end and I have to go back to work and deal with everything I didn't feel like doing the week before. It's bad after Labor Day as well, since that's when all the kids go back to school and we have to deal with Terrible Traffic Tuesday. Ugh, it's the worst.

I thought it'd be a relatively quiet Tuesday (at least that's how it started out), and then WHAM! Everyone decided that they needed something at 10a.m. Can you get me a pager? Can you reserve three conference rooms for these three days at this certain level? Can you reserve me an auditorium that can hold at least 85 people? Why isn't my clock working? Can you schedule this meeting ASAP? Can you write the new hire's welcome email? Can you resend me that email you sent two weeks ago? Where's all the candy? Can you, Sam?

Grrrr.....

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.

I do love my job really. And it is my job to take care of these things, but good lord, when you hear it all the time, sometimes you feel less like an admin and more like their mother.

I don't want to complain about work, though, because regardless of how annoying it can be from time to time, I am very grateful that I have a place that I can go to every day, and they give me a paycheck every two weeks. Everyone is really lovely, and sometimes when I'm walking around, I can't help but laugh. I work with some of the kookiest people. There are quiet some characters.

Recently (mainly when I'm sitting in traffic), I get flashbacks of London. I sure do miss my city. When I miss it these days, though, it's different from when I used to miss it, and long for it at the same time. I used to obsess and wish with every part of myself that I could go back. I wanted so much to be back there. These days, however, I miss it and then I let it go. I can remember and smile, rather than remember and get depressed for a week. Maybe it's all of my counseling, or maybe it's because I've been keeping up with my vitamin D (I am such a firm believer in those supplements), but I feel like I'm growing out of London Town, and finally starting to appreciate my Virginia life. I appreciate it so much now, I've decided to do my masters degree here in about two years.

Yes, y'all, I have decided to go back to school. Only this time I'm not going to fuck it up. I'm going to give it an actual go. As my good friend Jon said to me, "nothing like a year in a job you really don't wanna be doing to put your wasted education in perspective."

Word.

This is my new Life Plan that I've decided on. I'm aiming to get into a masters program in about two years (damn those student loans), and then I'll give a real try at Creative Writing with English. Again. And hopefully the second time round (and no drugs) will be a much more positive experience for me.

I decided this a couple of weeks ago, when the beginning of my counseling epiphany began to reveal itself, and the Old Sammi Jo started coming out of the dark. I remember I was sitting in my car, in the normal every day traffic, and somewhere from the deep recesses of my mind, a voice came out of nowhere and said, "you're going to be okay." I can't remember exactly what I was thinking about at the time, but I remember those words, and I remember the voice sounding gentle, caring, and so honest. It was the first positive thing I had thought to myself in months. I almost started crying right there in my car.

Ever since that day, I just keep building on the positivity around me. Sometimes I wonder if people are annoyed with my newfound optimism, but I don't care. I still get annoyed with work, and when I'm sitting in traffic I wish I could be doing other social things with my time, but I stay in a generally good mood. Because now I have an idea of where I want to go and it's something to work with. Now I can plan for a future that doesn't involve me answering phones for people, and making sure that the supply cabinet stays consistently full.

I'm going to be okay.

It's good to finally know that.

Posted by Sam at 09:08 PM | Permalink

I drove back from North Carolina today, and I am sleepy. I don't really have much to say today, but I wanted to blog something before I went upstairs to pass out, so I came up with this little haiku:

I know this is half-
assed, but I am too tired
to make an effort.

Not exactly what I had in mind when I decided to participate in BEDS, but sometimes a gal just needs some sleep in her cushion bed. Until tomorrow!

Posted by Sam at 07:12 PM | Permalink

Crap, I almost forgot to blog tonight.

Mel and I have been hanging out, shopping, making dinner, and watching movies, and right before I was about to crawl under the covers and close my eyes for the end of today, it shot straight into my brain. So I've made myself a cup of a tea, which is balancing nicely on Mel's seventh edition Western Civilization school book, and I have propped myself upright to blog about my Sunday.

One day I hope to be able to move on from blogging simply about my day-to-day activities, but since I've not blogged regularly in so long, I feel really out of practice. I figure it's only best that I keep it simple in the start, and maybe down the line I'll regain my blogging feet and can add a bit more style; but until then I'll just keep them short, sweet, and to the point.

Tomorrow I'm driving back up to Virginia. I'm a bit sad to leave Mel behind, since I know she does tend to get quite lonely. Earlier this evening she made a really nice large meal for the two of us, and said that she wished she was able to make more big meals like this more often. Nowadays she only cooks for one, and it's really depressing for her. The fact that she used the word "depressing" was like a punch in my heart. I know depression all too well, and I definitely don't want her being depressed over anything, ever.

I took her to the mall today so she could exchange some shirts that Momma had bought for her online (American Eagle had sent her the wrong color), and decided I'd go ahead and buy her some new clothes. I was having a poke around in her wardrobe, and to say that it's empty would be a slight understatement. She has nothing but khaki trousers and red shirts (classic Target uniform), and a few summer dresses. So I bought her a new pair of jeans, and some tops that she can wear when the weather turns cooler. We also went to Costco where I bought her some of her favorite foods in bulk. I didn't have to do these things, but I thought it'd be nice since she helped me out so many times when I was in London and had pissed all my money away. Sisters help each other out when they can.

Mel and I had some nice chats as well during my short visit. The two of us aren't really the mushy kind that like to express our feelings, and you'll never hear us saying that we love each other. Obviously we do love each other very much, but we don't have to say it. It's uncomfortable for us. We don't have long, in-depth chats about life, we rarely speak of our personal lives in great length, but the way we know each other, and understand each other is uncanny. So the fact that we had some "nice chats" was new, and yes, very nice. She talked about her new friends that she's meeting, and I gave her advice about money ("don't piss it all away like I did").

Since I came back home, and since Mel has left home, a new kind of overprotective feeling has come over me for her. I try not to always sound overbearing and like I know better than her, but it's hard for me to hear sometimes what she shares with me (which isn't anything terrible at all, especially when you compare it to half of the things I used to do). All I keep wanting to say is, "god, please don't make the same mistakes I did." I can only imagine what it must feel like for Momma.

My little sister. She's not so little anymore. And if we were the kind of sisters that were comfortable with sharing our feelings with one another, I'd tell her how proud I am of what she's doing, and how she's doing. She's a very smart person. A lot smarter than me in so many ways. And when I tell Momma that she's doing fine, and that she will be fine, I know it's true.

And here I thought I'd keep this post short, sweet, and to the point.

Posted by Sam at 10:30 PM | Permalink

Ah, Labor Day weekend. So blissful. So sweet. So needed for my poor body that hasn't had a proper rest in months. Mel and I are getting ready to go to the pool, and I'm waiting for her to get out of the shower, which I'm sure will take her about another thirty minutes since she is one of the hairiest women on earth. I say that with nothing but love. But it's true, she is one hairy lady.

(She's going to kill me for writing that on here. Ah well.)

So I'm taking this brief moment of quiet to blog properly since my dear little sister kept distracting me last night with her incessant chatting. Bless her cotton socks.

Mel lives four hours south from our house in Virginia, so it's relatively easy for us to visit her whenever we need to, or when she asks us to because she's lonely. Her living quarters are a lot nicer than my old university flat. It's a brand spanking new apartment complex with a sweet pool area, a gym with TV's lodged in the treadmills, and a twenty-four Harris Teeter connected to the building about three floors down. What I would have done to have a grocery store only an elevator ride away! Whenever I tell anyone about where she lives, I always make sure to call her a lucky bitch, because she is.

We cleaned her apartment this morning, which took us all of an hour. It's so new, and small enough you can't even really try to get the place dirty. Things may look a little out of place or disorganized, but it stays consistently clean. I don't like to admit my jealousy, because I am grateful for the university experience I had, but there's still a small part of me that wishes I could have lived in some place like this during my years in London.

Whenever I visit North Carolina, I can't help but remember back to the seven years when we used to live here. I grew up all over the United States (Momma was in the Air Force), but I consider myself to be from North Carolina since that's where our family lives, it's where Momma was born and raised, and where I grew up during the moulding teenage years. My southern drawl works it way out as soon as I cross the state line and I get a hankering for some pulled pork barbecue and sweet tea.

Life is slower down here, but I believe the state is growing up a lot more these days. After I left I swore I'd never go back. I was so afraid of getting stuck in the small town mindset again that I jumped at the first chance I got to move to a big city. There is something about country living that agrees with me though, and always has, so I love these little trips away from the DMV area. It's always a nice break from the daily routine I have going on in VA. I just wonder if it's nice enough for me to ever reconsider coming back down here permanently.

Meh, maybe not just yet.

Posted by Sam at 11:40 AM | Permalink

Currently I'm sitting in Mel's apartment with half a coconut cupcake from Cake Love sitting next to me. I already ate half of a raspberry vanilla cupcake, and am feeling slightly ashamed of myself. Why not go the full distance and utterly hate myself by finishing off the other half of the chocolate coconut? Oh yeah, I will.

Mel keeps trying to make conversation with me while she unfolds her pull-out couch bed for me, and I've told her four times that I'm in the process of blogging.

"How long does it take you to blog?"

"I don't know."

"What do you want to do tonight?"

"I want to try and blog right now."

"Dude, so I was having this sandwich at school the other day."

"Dude, really, trying to blog here."

"Okay, sorry."

......

"What are you typing?"

"OH MY GOD."

"You should have known this was going to happen. I don't have anyone to generally talk to."

***

The ride down was nice, although I was expecting it to be raining with Hurricane Earl around. It was sunny, and the temperature gauge in my car reached 101 degrees at one point. I left work early so I could fill up my car with gas, ran to the mall to pick up our Cake Love cupcakes, and some more make-up, and wound up leaving with three extra things that I don't need, but bought anyway to get the sales attendants away from me. I'm always a sucker with those desperate looking sales girls that look me in the eyes like they need to sell this product, otherwise their children will go another night without dinner and it'll be all my fault, because I can afford overpriced sugary goodness cupcakes at $3.25 each, but can't shell out $79.00 for a face-wash that came from the Dead Sea.

Aaaand I'm going to try and write something a little more detailed tomorrow. Mel is proving to be a major distraction. So I'm going to eat my death cupcake, have a conversation with my sister since she's obviously dying to talk to someone, and then crash out.

I'll be back tomorrow. See you then.

Posted by Sam at 08:24 PM | Permalink

Let's keep this one short and simple, shall we?

Today was a fairly easy day. It's right before Labor Day weekend, so a lot of people have already started heading home and don't plan on turning on their BlackBerry's or laptops until next week. I wish I was so lucky, however, as an admin (well, an admin with little vacation time saved up), I will be here until tomorrow afternoon when I jump into my newsed (new/used) car and drive down to North Carolina.

Mel attends school down there, by the way. She's just now starting her first year of college, and I couldn't be happier for her. It's nice to see your little sister who has been working at a dead end Target job, to go back to school and take those first steps into independent adulthood. She has a cute little apartment with a neighborhood pool/gym, and I plan to utilize both places while I'm down for my extended weekend visit.

It'll be nice to get out of the office.

I do spend a frightening amount of time within these business walls. My coworker, Ellen, heard about this socializing group here in the DMV (DC/Maryland/Virginia) area, and signed herself up for an entire year. They have around forty-five social activities every month, and it's meant to be a fun/safe/easy way for singletons to meet new people while participating in things that they may not usually do.

I think it sounds like a nice idea, but I reckon I'm too much of an anti-social wallflower to go to these events and meet random people. Oh, and I'm cheap. The monthly fees/yearly submission is WAY too much for my teeny tiny pockets. I think I'll stick with meeting new people the old fashion way: going to bars. Not that that way has proven to be successful in the past. Ellen does have some free passes for guests, though, so maybe I'll tag along to one of the free events and see how it goes.

I also had a follow up appointment today for my root canal. I have a whole slew of dental issues going on, which is what I get for not going to the dentist for FOUR YEARS. Yeah, I know, I'm gross. But when I was at uni, I didn't have insurance, nor could I afford to go regularly, so my teeth were left unattended by any kind of dental professional until I finally got that handy dandy insurance. For the record, root canals are a piece of cake. I don't know why people think that they're so horrible. They give you some awesome novocain that's on steroids and you can't feel half of your face for like, four hours. It's great.

So yeah, that's my Thursday. Bring on the long weekend. God knows I could do with an extra day of doing nothing.

P.S.....Happy 90210 day.

Posted by Sam at 05:16 PM | Permalink

I don't know why I've decided to do this. It's not like I have the time. Really, I don't. My work takes up 80% of my life (how sad), and the other 20% is consumed by eating, sleeping, sitting in traffic, or taking care of my dog. Oh, my sweet dog.

I've decided to participate in BEDS: Blog Every Day in September. BEDA (Blog Every Day in August) just passed, and I was so upset when I missed it, although I'm not sure why I was so upset, because like I mentioned a second ago: it's not like I have the time.

I started taking my vitamin D supplements because, you know, I've got a vitamin D deficiency, and ever since I've been taking them, I feel a lot more balanced, a lot more level, a lot less suicidal (which is an obvious pro). Now that I'm all balanced out, one of my very "balanced" thoughts has been, "you should really start blogging again. Writing again. Taking time to do something that you love." And so here I am, diving in head first into something that I miss doing regularly, and never take the time to actually do.

I really hope I don't forget and miss one day. It doesn't take much time at all (in fact, I plan on blogging Monday through Friday at work on my lunch breaks), and yet I still never manage to sit down, crack my knuckles, and do it. But something inside of me has changed (probably all that vitamin D I've been taking). I have been so goddamn depressed for the past year, and I feel like I'm just now starting to crawl out of that hole I've been in. I don't want to be the girl who got depressed and gave up. I want to be the girl that got depressed, worked on her issues, and came out on the other side a little bit smarter, a little more mature, a lot stronger, and didn't let the darkness consume her.

So I'll be here every day until the 30th at least. I hope you're here with me.

Posted by Sam at 05:27 PM | Permalink

For the past couple months I have been sick and have not realized that yes, there is truly something wrong. I am the master of being, and staying in denial, or coming up with endless excuses for why something is wrong, but not so terribly wrong that I must go to the doctor and have it properly checked out.

I have been sad. So I've gone back in to counseling.

I have been cold, and experience a tingly feeling in my fingers from time to time. So I started taking daily women's vitamins, and eating more green vegetables.

My hair has been thinning at an alarming rapid pace. I invested in expensive shampoo and conditioner to help conceal my scalp.

I get extreme head rushes about twice a day. I drink vitamin water, and do my best not to stare directly up at things.

My memory is deteriorating more and more every day. I make a conscious effort to write everything down, and eat more fish.

I have been sluggish, and experience extreme fatigue. I allot eight hours of sleep every night and drink plenty of fluids.

To me, none of these things could all be connected to each other. I've been told by numerous people that I need to have my thyroid checked out, because all of these "symptoms" that I've been experiencing clearly indicates that it's my thyroid. Of course I've not gone to the doctor to have them examine my thyroid, because gosh, the thyroid just sounds like some kind of old person problem, and I am not old. I am twenty-five years young, thank you very much.

Of course it was the thinning hair that finally made me break down and decide that I will call the doctor and have the simple blood test to determine what it is exactly that's going on. Sure, I've been depressed these past couple of months, but my god! My hair is thinning! Now it's definitely time to have it looked at.

My depression has also taken on a new look as well. Before when I was depressed back at university, I could attribute it to being away from home, and trying to deal with all of these "problems" that I could barely cope with. However these days, my depression makes it difficult in order for me to function, or to focus on simple tasks. I sit at work, stare at my daily pile of things to do, and trying to muster up the energy to fill out a few simple forms seems insurmountable to me. It leaves me feeling defeated, exhausted, and stupid. My inner monologue doesn't help matters much either, since I am a supreme champion of verbally beating myself up and being extra hard on myself.

What is wrong with you? my inner voice says to me in a patronizing tone.

If you can't do this simple task, then maybe you should just quit. Nobody wants to work with a retard that can't keep up with something so easy. Give it to the temp. She's clearly more qualified than you, and I bet in a couple of weeks, she'll have your job, and you'll be unemployed again, living at home, and hating yourself even more. Loser. P.S....I hate your skin, and I think you've gained weight.

It's pretty harsh, and the worst part is that I believe every single word. Then I leave for the day wishing that the ceiling would collapse on top of me so I don't have to sit in an hour's worth of traffic repeating those words over and over to myself.

My counselor is a lovely lady, though, and she has been equipping me with new ways to squash those ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts). She tells me every two to three weeks that it's okay to not have a definite plan in life, it's okay to feel lost sometimes, and she reminds me that it's really not the destination, rather the journey. She calms my worried mind, and with some gentle tough love reminds me not to be so negative all the time. That only fuels the ANTs, and allows them to build a bigger and bigger empire inside of me.

Of course she's not there all the time, and in her absence, Momma is there to hold my head when I cry. I cry a lot more these days. I've had three breakdowns in the past month, and every time I cry I feel more defeated. Won't I be happy again? I don't even remember the last time I was truly happy. Am I in some kind of quarter-life crisis hell? Is this how it's going to be forever? Can't something just happen to make it all go away? I'm tired of feeling this way. This isn't me. This isn't who I used to be. This isn't who I want to be.

I remember back to a time when I was a bit more "put together." I remember when I was focused and didn't fret over tiny worries, and didn't let life's little hiccups get me down. I used to be so confident. I used to be so determined. I used to think I could do anything and I was so unstoppable. The optimistic Sam would look at the depressed Sam and say, "well if you don't want to be sad anymore, then why don't you just do something about it, huh?" The person I am now looks at that girl with high self-esteem and doesn't believe her for one second.

The place where I'm at right now isn't like the other dark places I've been before. It's a new kind of dark age where there aren't any lights whatsoever. A long time ago, when I was coming down off of my recent drug highs, or recovering from my alcohol binges, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dark my thoughts got, part of me always knew that I'd eventually find my way out, even if I never wanted to admit it.

This new dark place, however, is one that I've never experienced before. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to find my way out. It seems like I'm in the blackest house and I'm constantly banging my shins into heavy furniture. I'm not drinking anymore, I've not done any drugs since May of 2009, and so I can't blame any of this horrible feeling on anything else other than myself. It leaves me feeling even more helpless.

But I am seeking help. I'll go to my doctor this week, and we'll see what he says. I will continue with counseling, and I will remain sober all in attempts to find my way out of the dark. No matter what the outcome, I know something is medically wrong with me. Something's just not right. It doesn't feel right, and it's not been right for a very long time. One way or another, I will get out of these ongoing depressive cycles. The optimistic Sam still lives inside me, and she's not one to easily give up. Her willpower is faint, but it still flickers waiting to be lit.

Posted by Sam at 08:16 PM | Permalink

One day I will write again properly, however, today is not that day. Today I simply write because it is a compulsion inside of me that will not go away, almost like regurgitating horrible, grammatical bile that has no other outlet except through my fingertips, rather than my mouth. My heart has felt nothing in the past year for the written word, and yet my mind is still full of them. Each day I wonder if the two will join again, and each day the page remains blank.

I've lost myself in the past year. I've forgotten who I am, what I love, and what I truly want out of this life. I got a job, though, one that requires me to answer the telephone, order office supplies, and keep track of everyone's mundane business. This life is what I've been told is "responsible." It allows me to pay my monthly bills, buy countless items that hold no real value, and live in an adult world.

In many ways I am grateful for this adult job that gives me some kind of purpose and a means to live a life without many hardships. I am able to carelessly buy things, and from time to time I can travel and visit the friends that I miss so much.

On a much different hand, I feel trapped and confined by my new adult role. I find it limiting in a multitude of ways, and while I know I'm not the first person to feel this, I wonder if there is a way for me to find some kind of balance.

How do others do it? That is what I really wonder.

I think too much of being in a car accident while I'm sitting in traffic. What if the massive truck behind me doesn't realize soon enough that the cars in front have stopped? What if he smashes straight into me? How much pain would I feel? What would the crunching metal and shattered glass sound like? Would I die instantly, or make it to the hospital and have to spend years in physical therapy?

It's a regular thought I have that's quite worrying sometimes. What worries me most, though, is that if I ever were to be in a horrible accident like that described, I already know that part of me would be relieved no matter what the outcome.

Yes, one day I will properly write again; but today I will write honestly, and hope that it is not my last.

Posted by Sam at 08:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Everything is packed aside from a dress that's hanging to dry, and all of my bathroom toiletries. Although saying that, I'm leaving the majority of my bathroom toiletries, because they simply will not fit in my massive suitcase that I've filled to the brim with English goodies.

I don't want to leave.

I've been here nearly a month, and have stayed an extra week, thanks to that awesome volcano that decided to spew lava and ash everywhere forcing all European airports to close down for nearly a week. I'm sure the random "Act of God" caused havoc for 99% of the travelers trying to reach their destination, but for me, I was quite happy to stay in London and enjoy the sunny days without a single care. The extra week allowed me to see people that I didn't get to previously see in my original days, and see people one extra time that I felt I hadn't seen enough. It made me happy.

Whilst I've been here, I've been on a few nights out, went to a house party completely sober, spent an amazing day lazing in a Wimbledon park that I never knew existed, went to the cinema, got a new piercing, ate at all of my favorite food places, shopped until I dropped, cried because I was sad, laughed so hard I cried, snuggled with my favorite people, rode the bus alone, wore fake eyelashes, sang classic ballads with my friends into hair brushes, ate my weight in cheese, did four loads of laundry, made future travel plans with friends, smiled so hard my face hurt, and so much more.

It was epic.

I realized that I really needed to come back to see everyone, and just be back. I was so consumed with myself in Virginia, and had it all wrapped in my head about how life is when I'm not here, that it was nice to come back and just be. I was convinced that everyone was living these extraordinary lives without me, and I was stuck back at home living some blah mediocre life, taking three steps back when everyone was leaping ahead of me. It's not that I don't want my friends to do well for themselves, it's just I felt like I was being left behind, when that's clearly not the case. We're all the same in the sense that we're in the process of trying to figure out what we want our futures to be, what we want them to look like, and how we want to carve it all out for ourselves. I've not been left behind at all. If anything, we're all standing next to each other holding hands and bracing ourselves for the big leap into a new Unknown.

I love this goddamned city, we all know this. But it's not just my love of the city that draws me back. It's my friends that make it magical for me, and this entire trip has been about us; us hanging out, spending time with each other, and having those fantastically long conversations that drag on to the early hours of the morning. This trip taught me that it doesn't matter where we are, so long as we're together we can make anything special.

I shall be back in Virginia tomorrow, and will head back to work the next day. I'll continue to work, save money, accrue vacation time, and be on a set schedule. It will get boring for me, and I'm sure I'll get frustrated and eventually get to the point where I'll want to uproot everything and start anew. But I know it's not a horrible existence, I know that there's more inside of me that I want to do, and I know I'm not alone.

Posted by Sam at 08:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It literally felt like everything was on pause for ten months, and the second we landed I pressed play again.

I picked up right where I left off. Nothing changed. Everything was exactly as I had left it. Completely untouched. There were hugs and excitement briefly when I'd first see people, but within minutes the novelty would quickly wear off and I easily slid back into London Living.

This is how it was meant to be. If I had never moved back to America, this is exactly where I would have left off, the story continued.

However, as my days have worn on, and I become more and more settled, I've begun to see the subtle changes in my surroundings, in my friends, and most importantly, in myself. I'm no longer a student that spends my days locked away in my room yearning for the brief London sunshine; rather I am a university graduate who is a full-time employee at an awesome company, and am simply a visitor in this city that I still consider to be my home.

It was a shock and hard realization when time carelessly slapped the past ten months in my face and I felt how much time has actually passed by me. I sat with Zoe in Lee House with all of its familiar smells and dirty reminders, and while we spent the better half of nine hours endlessly catching up, I felt my absence. While we reminisced about the good 'ol days, and things that have happened while we've been apart from each other, I noticed that I don't miss my old life as much as I thought I did. I don't miss being a poor uni student with essay deadlines looming, I don't miss the party scene, the drugs, the crazy nights out, the stress of lecturers, yadda, yadda, yadda. I don't miss the campus. I don't miss the drama. I don't miss the bubble.

I'm glad to be gone.

Of course I miss my friends and the time that we would spend together, and I miss the city with all of its tempting offerings, but I don't miss university life, and coming to that realization made me very sad.

I came back to my friend's flat that I'm crashing at, and had a bit of a cry the next day on Helen's shoulder (some things, I suppose, will never change). Why have I been gone for so long? Why have I missed all of these things? Why have I not been involved or around to help and be a continuous part in my friend's lives? Why don't I know all of the little day-to-day details, and how come I can't say things like, "oh! You remember that one day!" and have everyone instantly know what I'm talking about before I even finish the sentence? I don't make plans to go abroad with them overseas. I don't share three hour long conversations with them anymore. I only have a vague idea of their lives by what has been provided via the internet or our scattered chats over Skype.

Some things, I've learned, will never change. The level of comfort in my friendships allows me to arrive after a ten month long absence and slip into old routines that feel so natural it really is as if I never left in the first place. Other things, however, will change. I knew it was an inevitable possibility that I was going to have to deal with after arriving. I just didn't think it would surprise me as much as it did, or make me feel such a great loss. Things did not pause. They very much carried on just like they always do after my leaving.

It still feels like my city, though. London is just as captivating and vivacious as when I left it. The bathtubs are still so deep I have to focus on not slipping and injuring precious ladybits when I'm climbing out. The food still tastes like its been cooked on pans that are coated in a week's worth of grease. The sidewalks are still littered with random papers, empty bottles and odd characters of every nature. I still smile when listening to my iPod and watching the scenery change outside the bus window. My friends still make me laugh so hard I have to clench at my sides from the happy pains.

My friends are still my friends. It's the one thing I hope never changes in a city so rapid.

Posted by Sam at 04:49 PM | Permalink

I remember I was on the train on my way to go visit Ando for our last meeting, and while the city transformed into country outside my window, I was exchanging text messages with Mel about purchasing my plane ticket to go back home. She told me that it would be cheaper for them to book a round tirp flight (returning back to London), rather than them purchasing a simple one-way flight. When did I want to come back?

When did I want to come back to London? What a very open quesiton. I didn't really want to leave in the first place. But I guess if I had to put a date on it, I'd go with April. London's so lovely in the springtime. Perhaps over Easter break when everyone's off and the weather is warm enough to sit down by the river with a pint. Yes, April sounded perfect.

Momma and Mel thought I wouldn't go back in April, that I would simply "miss" my flight, but for me purchasing a return flight was set in stone. It was motivation that pulsated throughout me everyday. When I was frustrated during my unemployment months, I just kept telling myself that I needed to get a job so I could save up some money for my tirp in April. When I was annoyed with living in VA and dealing with Americans, I remembered that I was going back to London in April. When I missed my friends and wanted to be close to them, I remembered about my trip in April and how we'd be reunited.

I was going back in April, and nothing was going to stop me.

Now, after counting down the months, the weeks, the days, the hours, it's finally time for me to break out the old suitcase for another trip to my home away from home, my mother country. I'm packing everything up tonight, finishing the necessary cleaning, and will fly across the Atlantic ocean once more, a journey that I'm more than familar with. However, unlike all the other trips, this one will be short-lived, and instead of me having to struggle with two giant suitcases, and two shoulder bags, I'll be much lighter. There won't be any uni work for me to complete, and I won't have a job that I have to sit at for eight hours of the day. I will be completely free to spend my time as I see fit, and I have been busy making as many plans as possible with everyone that I want to spend time with.

It feels strange to think that I'll be back in London after being gone for nearly a year. What will have changed? How different are my friends going to be? How much have I missed out on? Will it be awkward, or will everything naturally fit back into their old grooves and we'll carry on as if nothing has changed? I'm curious/excited/nervous to find out. No matter how much we fight it, time changes everything, changes people and who we remember them as, and who they are today. Will my friends think differently of me?

Everything at the moment is clouded with overflowing excitement, such a climax that there's a knot in my chest and a lump in my throat that I can't seem to get rid of. I can't wait to go back. I can't wait to be back. I simply cannot wait any longer.

London, my love. Why did I ever leave? The distance and time apart has only made me miss you more. I even miss your weather. The second my feet hit British soil, I will remember and know that this is where I'm meant to be. Home is where the heart is, and you stole mine five years ago.

Posted by Sam at 10:42 AM | Permalink

It's very strange being employed these days and regularly going to a place that I assume I'll be at for the next couple of years. I receive a regular paycheck for the time that I spend here taking care of daily tasks for other people; I get sweet benefits, flexible hours, a bitchin' cafeteria, lovely coworkers, room for advancement, opportunities to learn and work on my own personal growth. The company I work for has been listed for the past nine years as one of Fortune's Magazine's Top 100 Best Companies to Work for.

And it really is.

One thing that I've noticed, though, is that while everyone is extremely professional and lovely all the time, there is an underlying dating scene that seems to be happening very quietly without anybody noticing. I remember at my previous Hell Job that I used to work at before I went to uni, people were unashamed and let their personal relationships fly proudly out in the open for everyone to view, judge and whisper about over lunch. I was the center topic in quite a few of the gossip headlines, and I remember hating it, and hating myself for being so naive about my privacy. If I could do it all over I wouldn't have done half of the things I did with half of the people, and there's no way I would have told a soul about the sins that occured.

At my new, shiny company, however, where everyone smiles and farts rainbows, there is a lot of discression, and more importantly, maturity.

I've only been working here roughly two months now, and I've already been asked out four times. Yes, three times was by the same person (persistent little bugger), and the other time was from a married man, but nonetheless, I have been asked out.

I said no each time, because quite frankly, I didn't want to be That Girl again. Ugh, That Girl I was in the past was a total slut. A HUGE slut. And it was okay for her to run rampant in London, but it's definitely not okay to let her run loose at the new awesome job that I love and have a clean slate at. I've learned my lesson, and while it is tempting sometimes (and I know it'd be so easy) to send a flirty email, or go out to a "harmless" lunch, I've restrained myself from going down familar paths.

Professionalism is the new word I live by.

Although......

Although.

Old habits are hard to break, and while I've said no to dating/sleeping with anyone I work closely with, I still have a tendancy to gossip, to lean my head in close and whisper about people. And while I have elected to not date anyone in my department, it doesn't mean I can't talk about dating them. Which is totally what I did yesterday afternoon with two of my fellow admins.

We're so cliche' when it comes to gossip. We love it. We love talking about the geeky/nerdy/cute engineer scientist guys we work with/work for/take care of. They're all so sweet, and I know they have to be those guys that I rarely spoke to in high school, and now they've ended up getting sweet jobs, at awesome companies making serious bank.

So we talk, us admin ladies, and we look but don't touch. We scope out the scene and say who we think is cute, who we would totally go out with if they weren't already married, and hang our heads in sadness when we find out that another one is in engaged. There's no harm in talk.

Of course my fellow admins that I talk with are already married or have a serious boyfriend of the past two years. I am the only single admin around these parts it seems. I think I'm the only single person in my group of friends. Everyone is shacked up with someone, and I'm starting to feel like maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm too picky. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe this whole time I thought I was ready for a relationship but I'm really not, and subconciously I've been keeping myself emotionally distant this whole time.

Maybe. I don't really know. I haven't given it much thought recently.

But my fellow admins know of my singledom and want me to jump in the discreet work dating pool, give it a go and see what happens. New Shiny Company is very, very large, and there are plenty of other departments I can sink my teeth into. And who knows, maybe I can get with one of the super smart, super cute, super nerdy guys who are also super sweet and make serious bank. It's early days.

Posted by Sam at 10:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

OH MY GOD SHE LIVES.

Well, kind of. Barely. I'm barely living.

That is so not true. I am LIVING. ALIVE. LIVING EVERYDAY TO THE FULLEST.

Okay, not really. I'm just busy now, and I have a job, and Humphrey goes to daycare, and I sit in traffic, and I think of outfits to wear for the next day, and I work through my lunch breaks, and I, and I, and I.....

Oh yeah, I GOT A JOB.

FINALLY. You remember like a gajillion years ago when I was unemployed and hated my life? Well, now I'm EMPLOYED and LOVE my life. Okay, the all caps makes it sound way more exciting than it actually is, but I was definitely over the moon and had what seemed like an endless amount of what I like to call, New Hire High. Seriously, I've never been so happy in my life. My coworkers are lovely and were so welcoming when I first started I just wanted to hug and kiss every single one of them whilst telling them through my tears of joy how happy I am to be here.

SO HAPPY.

So, so very happy.

I've come down off the New Hire High, but I'm still very much happy to be here, to have a place to go to everyday and work and be productive and learn so many new things. It's the complete opposite of my previous Hell Job all those years ago, and it's still taking me some time to get used to the fact that people are genuinely happy to be here. I mean, I thought they were all sick when I first got here because they were always so damn happy and that they were definitely on something, because every time I turned around there was another smile staring at me asking me how I was doing. I thought it would get annoying after a while, but even after being here for nearly two months now, its kind of rubbed off on me, and sometimes I can't help myself from skipping down the hallway or randomly jumping up and down with giddiness.

Lots of joy. Lots of happiness. Lots of no longer being bored. This job definitely keeps me busy and sometimes it's hard to find large chunks of time that I can use to cruise the internet to do important things like update this here blog that I love so much, and neglect equally so.

To be honest, though, it felt good not to write for a while. I have done absolutely zero writing since I turned in my final portfolios (that nearly killed me during the Christmas break). The need to write wasn't there. The thrill, as they say, was gone. The urge had disappeared. I was happily occupied at my new job, with my new coworkers, doing new things that I didn't feel like writing. It was a much needed break after forcing myself to write mediocre things that I felt nothing for.

So one week turned in two, then turned into one month and so forth. I had no mumbling thoughts.

They always find me eventually, though. There I was standing in the shower at 4:12a.m. rinsing shampoo out of my hair and I found myself constructing would-be sentences for future blog posts that I'd want to write. I even physically wrote some of them down in a fancy notebook that I permanently borrowed from the work supply closet.

Whenever I have one of the longest days ever before the sun rises, I like to listen to rap. It makes me feel better and puts life into perspective. Have I ever had to sell crack on the corner while getting shot at by enemy gangstas? No, I haven't. My life is petty in comparison.

The words popped into my head, began forming sentences, paragraphs and would continue winding their way through my thoughts while I was in morning traffic, and would reappear whenever I found a spare minute at work.

They always find me eventually. And I can't stay away.

Although now that I'm sitting back behind the computer screen and typing all of these fabulous words out, I find once again I have nothing of importance to say. There's no point in recounting the past two months, and aside from my newfound employment nothing of substantial merit has happened. Nothing to me anyway. Far, far away from my tiny world in Virginia, many substantial things have happened and are definitely worth mentioning, and thinking about. However, there aren't many more words that I could contribute to the already unspeakable events.

The world turns, the days go on, shit happens and there's not much else we can do about it. Nothing, I supposed, except to pick up right where we left off.

It definitely feels good to be back.

Posted by Sam at 07:39 AM | Permalink

My back hurts.

My back has been hurting all weekend and now on this Monday. All I can really do is sit with a heating pad on the lower part of my back and ask people to hand me things.

"Mel, can you get me some reese's cups please?"

"What?"

"Reese's cups."

"What?"

"Reese's cups goddammit!"

It's really annoying and a not-so-fun surprise to have a sharp, paralyzing pain shoot throughout the entire lower half of my back randomly throughout the day. Every so often you can hear me yelp out while trying to pick Humphrey up, or trying to stand up after I've been sitting for a long period of time. Over the counter pain killers do very little for me (just give me the morphine already!), so it seems I am bound to the couch with the heating pad turned up on HIGH.

Of course I'm no longer much fun for Humphrey anymore as I can't play fetch with him, bend down to his level to do tricks or, well, do much of anything. He's now left to entertain himself while I howl in pain for no apparent reason.

Being couch bound does have a few upsides I suppose, like forcing me to get my work done since I have nothing else better to do, or catch up on more TV shows that I've fallen behind on. Momma occasionally asks me how I'm doing and if she can make me a cup of tea (yes, please!) and I don't mind letting Mel share more of the puppy responsibilities. But now it's Monday and I'm forced to walk around at a 90 degree angle like a proper old lady.

Fun times.

Other fun times include watching the house transform from Regular Living to Holiday Living. I realized that it has been three years since I've been home for Thanksgiving, and I am here this time round to help with all of the holiday decorations. Usually I'd come home and everything would already be set up, whereas now I can participate!

Well, so long as my back cooperates.

It's always on the weekend after Thanksgiving when we pull the tree out, set up our little St. Nicolas Square Christmas houses and hang the stockings. The house fills up with annual festive smells that only last for a little over a month, and in that time I am transformed, as I always am, back into a nine-year-old girl who runs around the house in her jammies finding different places that haven't been adorned with tinsel yet.

I fucking love the holidays.

I've already received an early Christmas present as well, which always makes me happy.

My student loans, which I've been stressing about ever since I came back home, have been deferred until August 2010, which just takes a massive load of stress off my shoulders. My Super Awesome Amazing financial lady, Jan, who I have been dealing with since my very first year of uni, asked if I needed to have my loans pushed back a little bit, and because I am still a part-time student, I don't necessarily need to start paying them back right yet.

I said, yes, of course.

Thank god! I was so worried that I wouldn't have started work yet, and paying my first installment of loans in December when I'd also have to be shelling out money for presents and everything else would have SUCKED to put it mildly. But now I don't have to worry, because I don't have to pay them back for another nine months! Hooray!

So thank you, Jan, for giving me the greatest gift anyone could ask for.

Speaking of not having a job yet, I'm really fucking annoyed that I haven't started working yet. I mean, REALLY FUCKING PEEVED. I've been dealing with this company now for over THREE MONTHS, and have been wrangling them for one particular job for over a MONTH now. Seriously, how long does it take to process someone's paperwork? Honestly? Because this is just fucking ridiculous. I don't know how much longer I can wait on them, and I don't care how awesome their cafeteria is (it's pretty nice actually), I need to start work like, yesterday. I need a paycheck like, last month. I need to get cracking like, RIGHT NOW. I'm dying here. And I'm wondering if maybe I should start looking elsewhere again and see what comes up.

Although if I really don't get this position I will cry for three days straight, because that would have been THREE MONTHS OF MY LIFE THROWN DOWN THE DRAIN FOR NOTHING.

God I'd be so pissed.

I'm not sure if I should call them, drop someone an email and be like, "yo! What the fuck is going on with my shit? I don't have time to sit around and wait for y'all to fluff around!" The last time I spoke to anyone was last Monday, and she just called to confirm that I knew how to use all of the latest versions of Windows (I totally lied and said that I was fluent in everything that deals with Windows, even Windows 7).

I really don't know. I guess I probably won't hear anything this week either since it is Thanksgiving, and most people generally peace out for an entire week. Maybe next week I'll finally hear something. I've just given up on guessing which day will be the day when they tell me I can start.

Maybe I'll just start going in every day even though they haven't told me a start date. Maybe if I go every morning like it's normal and I've been doing it for years they'll finally recognize me as an employee and give me a paycheck. And if anyone asks me why I'm there, I'll just say that I got an email giving me the green light and I thought it was okay.

Yeah, that'll do. Next Monday I'll totally go in for my first day of work whether they like it or not.

Posted by Sam at 02:23 PM | Permalink

Hey! Look at this! I have a blog! That I actually pay for every year, so I might want to start using it more often.

Meh, what am I saying? That's never been motivation for me in the past.

So what is going on Internets? How have you been? Have you been enjoying this sweet autumn weather that we've been having? I mean, aside from when its been raining, because those were really crap days. Only they weren't so crap, because even when I was all cooped up inside, I was still snuggly in my flannel pajamas drinking hot cocoa and playing with Humphrey.

Aside from my days that resemble a Cuddledown magazine, I've been keeping busy. I won't say that I've been busy, because then that makes me sound like I have real important things going on, but that's definitely not the case. I've just been finding things to keep myself busy. It's a very big difference.

Humphrey obviously takes up about 87% of my time, all the time, day and night. I've gotten past the frustration stage with him, where all he wants to do is chew on everything that's not any of his chew toys, and me tearing out my hair wondering if it's possible for me to cover everything in bubble wrap hoping that the popping noise scares him from touching anything in the house. We are now in the stage where he knows that he's not allowed to chew on the rocking chair, the table leg, the carpet, the lamp chord, the couch, etc and have now moved onto he only wants to chew on my hands. I don't mind cuts and teeth prints on my fingers - I do mind furniture that looks like a crumpled piece of paper.

Other than my pride and joy, Humperdink, I've been writing other things for other people. Well, there are my final two uni projects (they better be my final ones!), and while one project is pretty much finished, I have my other one that is part of the novel I've been working on for the past however many months, and that is taking up a lot of time. A lot of time because I've decided to change the story a little bit. Okay, a lot. I'm re-working the entire thing and adding more characters, working on all of their back-stories and adding so many details I won't know what to use and what to get rid of by the end of it all. My part-time lecturer who is working with me this time around with my story is actually really cool, really nice, really helpful, really motivating and really engaging. I'm really upset that I never had her as a lecturer while I was actually there.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I sent her everything I have for my novel thus far so I could catch her up on where I was and what was happening in the story, and she sent me this MASSIVE email back with a lot of constructive criticism that I wasn't expecting. But it was okay, because I didn't cry or feel like a complete loser. Instead I was really happy that she even took the time to read everything that I sent and talk about my story like it was real. I know, that doesn't make much sense, but when I used to get feedback from lecturers about my novel, they would say very vague things like, "it's too dialogue focused. You need more details." That didn't help me very much. Details on what? Why is too much dialogue a bad thing? I think my dialogue is funny!

They were rubbish.

But Judith (my awesome lecturer), she talked about my characters as if they're real people. How does Erin get to work? How did she meet Lily and Mary? Who are Erin's co-workers? Does she date any of them? What's her emotional journey from the beginning to the end? What does she learn throughout the story? Blah, blah, blah. All of that obvious stuff that I tend to overlook because it's so, um, obvious.

I know none of this makes sense unless you've actually read some of what I've written (hi, Erik!), but because of Judith's critique I know more about what I want to write now. I know the story that I want Erin to tell. I know what I want to change and what I want to add. I know what I need to work on and what I'm already good at. It's a good place to be for my novel right now.

So yeah, THAT'S sucking up a good chunk of my time, and so is another little project I've decided to do. I don't know if y'all remember back in the day I mentioned how I went to this networking group and won a bunch of free business cards? Well, back in the day (summertime-ish) I went to this networking group and I won a bunch of free business cards. It was pretty cool, the food was yummy and I met some nice people. I thought it was funny that I won the business cards, because I don't really have anything to put on a business card. I don't have a cell phone, a work address, my own business or anything worthwhile, so I was drawing a blank when I was told to think of what I wanted my business card design to be.

That's when I thought about this very blog and thought, "what the hell. I'm going to advertise myself."

And so I did.

Cate is the woman who runs the networking meetings, and also maintains her own networking website, and she is the person who was super awesome and hooked me up with these bitchin' business cards. They match my website perfectly, and I even love the fact that they aren't clogged with all of that "necessary" information like cell phone numbers and whatnot.

WELL, when I went to meet her to pick up my business cards, she asked me if I would mind writing a bi-weekly article for her website and talk about what it's like being unemployed in today's economy, the process of getting a job and all of that not-so-fun stuff. And because I have TONS of unemployment experience, I told her, "of course I'll contribute to your website about my six months of hell!" I have a lot of writing material.

So I'll post that link here at some point once it's up and running.

And that's what I've been doing to occupy my time. In between I've been harassing Human Resources for a start date (YEAH I'M STILL WAITING ON THOSE FUCKERS), teaching Mel how to drive so she can FINALLY get her driver's license, taking Humphrey on his daily walks, catching up on TV shows when I get some free time and making cupcakes.

Also, I went to the clinic last week to find out that I am actually free and clear of ALL STDs. Well, at least I am of HIV, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea (so most of the scary ones). This only proves to me that Jesus does exist. TRUST ME. HE EXISTS.

But that's another post for another day. Right now I'm just going to eat a cupcake, rub Humphrey's belly for a while and keep cracking on with my days.

Posted by Sam at 03:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I don't know who I was trying to trick.

The Mother Gene exists inside of me. Right there. Can you see it? RIGHT. THERE. There it is. It's quite small, but trust me, it's very much real and ever since I picked up my new baby, Humphrey, it has exploded inside of me and taken over my entire body.

Humphrey Fredrick is the newest addition to our family, and ever since this past Halloween (trick-or-treat!) our household has revolved completely around this three-month-old with fur scurrying around the townhouse. Whether it's the middle of the night, or in the middle of the day, chances are you can hear Mel, Momma or myself repeating over and over, "Humphrey! Humphrey! Leave it!"

Oh, but how we all love him to bits and pieces. He could get away with murder with that sweet little face, and it's so hard not to scoop him up when he's whining and shower him with lots of kisses and play with him until he's so tired he falls asleep while standing up. All I want to do is let him lay in my bed, and rub his belly while watching the latest, It's Me or the Dog episode with Victoria Stilwell, who is a goddess in my eyes.

It is like having a small child in the house, though, and I'm having to constantly be keeping an eye on him so I can correct him when he starts chewing on the carpet, or chewing on a laptop chord, or chews on the corner of the plant stands. Even if I'm sure he's being entertained with one of his doggie chew toys, the second I turn around he's disappeared and is underneath a table or chair and has found some random screw to start chewing on. I'll sure be glad once this teething phase is over with and he's not sticking everything in his mouth.

I do love him, though, and while he is a lot of work I'm really glad we have him. I only wish I could have gotten him during the summer when I was so bored out of my mind I couldn't see straight. He's certainly not boring, and it's a challenge for me to come up with new and interesting challenges for him. Trying to keep the dog entertained keeps me entertained.

Mel is home from work today, so while she's taking time to keep an eye on him, I'm taking time to catch up on things that I've forgotten about for the past six days. I have so much uni work to do today, so many blogs to read, and my YouTube videos are stacking up (I'll definitely be watching those during my breaks). I've given up all hope on my farm and I have so many messages and emails I need to respond to. I think I might also have a proper meal as well since I've actually stopped eating and instead just munch on random snacks that I find in our pantry.

Oh yes. I'm THAT girl now. My new little puppy has taken over all aspects of my life just like a newborn child and I've already forgotten about what life was like before he arrived. I can't wait until the novelty and newness of him starts wearing off and we all can just get on with our days.

It's nice being able to stay at home with him, though. I like that I'm able to be with him in the beginning days and take care of him while he's still young. I've had to leave him at home a couple of times to pick Mel up from work, and even though I was only gone for about an hour it tore me up inside not being able to bring him with me. It seems like he's coping a lot better than me, since I'm the one practically crying on the way out and he just looks at me like, "it's okay, crazy lady. I'll still be here when you get back." God knows what I'm going to be like once I finally start work again.

Oh yeah, work. Wasn't that one of my main concerns all summer? Getting a job and being able to pay for things? Why yes, it was. And it seems as if I do have a job now, I've just been waiting for things to "process" and be "approved." I mean, what kind of miracle needs to happen in order for me to get a start date already!

It's with that one company that I waited on for OVER A MONTH, the one that I am completely relying on 100% because I haven't applied anywhere else and really want to work there, because the people seem nice, the building is really pretty (with a cafeteria!) and the job is perfect for me. THAT job.

Well, they emailed me about TWO WEEKS AGO, saying that they were "interested in bringing me on board" and have "begun the paperwork," and then nothing.

Nothing.

I've called once, emailed once, and both times they told me to be patient. Things are "processing" and are waiting "approval."

Seriously?

I mean, seriously.

SERIOUSLY.

So I'm still waiting, and waiting, and will continue to wait until I break down to their mercy and beg them to give me a start date. JUST GIVE ME ONE. I've been through enough torture this year I think.

Until then, I'm taking advantage of this free waiting time, and am playing with my new puppy, Humphrey. My little pride and joy who has reminded me what it's like to be active again, and is teaching me how to be patient every single day.

Posted by Sam at 12:36 PM | Permalink

In a circle of friends, everyone has their dedicated role. Whether you recognize it or not, it's true. In my particular circle of friends, I'm considered to be the Story Teller. Crazy things happen to me (generally brought on by myself), and then I relive the stories over and over for my friend's entertainment. And it's a pretty bitchin' role to be honest. I don't mind everyone gathering around and listening to me recap one crazy evening after the other. I like the attention. I crave my friend's laughter. It's one of the nicest feelings in the world. So I do my best to keep them all interested and each time make the stories bigger and crazier.

"And then we all dropped some fat ass MDMA bombs and let the good times roll!"

That was then.

This is now.

I don't live the same crazy nights over and over here in VA. My life is the pure definition of "polar opposite." There are no "fat ass bombs," "crazy sexy times," or staying up until the crack of dawn talking a bunch of shit while tweaked out on cocaine. There's none of that. Instead there's more sleeping time, TV watching and couch potato relaxing. I hardly recognize myself here.

However, just because my two different lives are separated, doesn't mean that they aren't connected. Of course they're connected. By me. I am the single similarity that brings the two of them together, and now I realize that the two overlap each other in a very negative way.

Everything comes with a price, and it all depends on how much you're willing to pay whether or not you'll buy into something. In London I bought into the night life, the drug scene and promiscuous sex with strangers. The price I paid was not simply the mental repercussions, but also the physical dangers putting myself and my body in danger. I was retarded. I was an idiot. I was naive. I was this, and that and all of those other names. I wasn't thinking of the long-term affects that my actions would have on me, because at the time I was all about "living in the now." Isn't that a great mantra to live by? Who cares if there isn't a condom nearby! Let's risk it and see what happens! Why? Because I'm fucked out my face, he resembles someone pretty I recognize and I need this right now.

I need it.

Five months later, I'm still decompressing from the past three years. I went on a complete detox after I arrived (no drinking, no drugs, no cigarettes), and am still rifling through my past emotions of everything that happened in those three years. I don't know if I'll ever completely finish rifling through my three years there, but every day I think about it, and every day I think to myself, "no regrets." Everything was worth it.

Or was it?

I know I shouldn't watch TV all the time, because I'm one of those people that easily gets drawn into what's happening on the screen, and I always put myself in other people's shoes so I can feel what they feel. It's a domino effect and one of the reasons why I cry so uncontrollably just watching the evening news, because MY GOD that person's house was burgled and the intruder killed their cat! How is that fair? I've always been one of those people who takes on other people's problems as my own, and feel the pain so much that I believe it's all actually happening to me rather than the original person. It all may sound really narcissistic, like I believe that the world revolves around me (because it does), but I always think that if I can relate and get a better understanding of what someone is going through, then maybe I can help them figure out a solution.

It's the reason why I cry with my friends when they cry, and when I see them hurt I feel like I can move an entire mountain to make them feel better. It's why I stay up many nights and imagine the worst possible things happening to me and my family, and why my mind never shuts off thinking about the constant, never-ending "what ifs." Because what if it did happen, and I wasn't prepared?

So I was watching TV, and I saw these women on Oprah, who were all HIV positive. They were all older ladies who were recently divorced, but had been in long-term marriages. They all had met this one man and every one of them had unprotected sex with him, resulting in them being infected with HIV.

It was a terrible story and I thought, ain't that a bitch. It would suck to have HIV.

Then Oprah introduced a doctor who was rattling off all of these statistics about people who are at higher risk of contracting HIV, and why these women's story was so rare. Middle-aged, upper class women who all believed that they were in a monogamous relationship don't generally get HIV. Gay men, drug addicts and people who have unprotected sex do.

First off, I didn't really like that doctor. I mean, I know she was trying to prove a point stating that anyone could be at risk to getting infected, but she just made it seem like gay men, drug addicts and people who have unprotected sex were all running rampant spreading the HIV and loving it. I know a lot of gay men, drug addicts and people who have unprotected sex, and they're all lovely people. Sure those groups tend to be at a higher risk, but damn.

Anyway, after she babbled on with her numbers and percentages, I had a flash of all of the unnamed faces I had stupidly slept with and I couldn't remember whether or not there was a condom involved. And then I remembered that one Mtv commercial where these two people are about to have sex, but then their room fills up with all of their past partners and then there's a voiceover person that says something along the lines of, "remember when you sleep with someone, you're also sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with too. Use a condom. Get tested." And then because I'm a masochist, I researched everything there is to know about HIV and every STD under the sun and scared the living shit out of myself. And then I remembered that one time when I slept with SBS, and we definitely didn't use a condom because I had to get the morning after pill the next day when I was on the verge of death, and I vaguely remember him saying something about how he had lost his virginity to a prostitute, and god knows whether he used a condom then! And then the other time I slept with Ando and we also didn't use a condom (stupid! stupid! stupid!) and how six weeks later I got the flu, but how it could also be the first "sign" or symptom of HIV, and how most people don't even know that they're infected until ten years later! And then I thought, god, please, I know I was irresponsible, but if I have anything let it be gonorrhea or something that I can take some antibiotics and clear up within a few weeks. Don't let it be HIV. Please, I don't want HIV. Anything but HIV! And hepatitis. Hepatitis would suck too. Okay, anything but HIV and hepatitis B & C.

After I had my meltdown and convinced myself that I had HIV, I decided to call our local free clinic. I don't know why I didn't just go when I first got back home (or while I was still in London), but I think it's because somewhere in the back of my mind I'm pretty damn sure that I have something. I don't really have any kind of visible symptoms, but I have got to be a carrier of something. I couldn't have done everything that I did (and trust me, that list is pretty fucking long), and come out scot free. If I did, then I might start believing in some kind of higher power, because THAT right there would be a miracle.

So I'm going on Tuesday at 1p.m. to get tested for every kind of known infection, and have a full exam to make sure that I'm not just walking around in blissful ignorance completely unaware of what's happening inside of me. It will give me some much needed peace of mind, and then I can stop thinking horrible thoughts about myself. I piss myself off as well, because there are real people out there who actually do have HIV and live with it every single day. I shouldn't be thinking "what if I have it" when they really do. It's not right, and on a weird level it's really selfish of me, and fucked up.

I'm obviously hoping that I'm fine, things are fine, everything will be fine. I don't want to have to "cross any bridges when we get there." I just want to consider this a major lesson learned, and join the crusade of safe sex and become an advocate of condoms, abstinence and getting regularly tested especially for those of us who are in the "higher risk" category.

I'll make that my new story that I tell all my friends, and while it may not be as wild and crazy as my other ones I have filed away, it will hopefully steer them away from the stress, worry, and paranoia that I'm going through now.

Posted by Sam at 02:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Nowadays I don't step out of bed until I have one pair of socks on, and then my slipper socks on top of them covering my feet. The cold wooden floors are no longer welcomed as much as they were in the summertime. We are in a slight weather limbo, though, because as the day goes on the temperature climbs higher and higher until we're able to open the windows and clear the house out with a nice warm breeze.

But the morning times are what I crave. I find myself waking up earlier and earlier these days just so I can sit on the sofa in my hoodie, fleece pajama pants and two pairs of socks. I sit in the dark and watch as the light slowly begins to fill up our living room like water in a bathtub, enjoying the quiet moment right before the animals start waking up, or the crickets begin chirping. It's one of the familiar changes that I love.

We are right on the brink of autumn, and of course the holiday season. The trees are no longer green, but instead all of those classic autumn colors - rustic red, burnt orange and golden yellow. Every time we step outside we're showered in crunchy leaves. It's as if the trees know that we're watching and feel obliged to look so beautiful and sound so whimsical. It gets me every time. Something about the cold, crisp air feels magical to me and turns me into some kind of festive elf that's always cheery, always wants to make hot cocoa and always has some goofy smile on my face.

I can't get enough of it.

I'm not just on the brink of colder weather, but I'm also on the brink of getting a new job and finally finishing up my degree. I'm halfway there, teeter-tottering right on the edge and all I need is that extra little push over the edge to wrap up some final details and get on with the season. Of course I'm gritting my teeth and getting so anxious from all of the waiting around. I just want it to all be over with so I can start doing things I want to, and sort out things I definitely need to do.

I keep waiting to hear back from this job, though. It's the one that I interviewed with OVER A MONTH AGO. I've since had three more interviews and have spoken to at least ten people, including folks in Human Resources. It's mental, and if I don't get it I will genuinely be so upset, because I love the job, really like the people, and have I mentioned how awesome their benefits are? Because they're pretty damn sweet. It's my first choice in companies that I want to work for, and even though I really shouldn't be banking solely on this job, I am. I haven't been searching for any other places, or applying anywhere else ever since they called me back A MONTH LATER. I want to work for this company. No other company that's even similar to it. Just this one.

So I'll be waiting to hear back from them. Hopefully it'll be good news.

I've been fighting an uphill battle with my university as well. While I have been working on the assignments that were given to me over the summer, I'm still really annoyed with the fact that they waited until after I left the country to tell me that I was 30 credits short, and ON TOP OF THAT expect me to pay more tuition for a mistake that I blame entirely on them.

Entirely on them.

Absolutely. 100%. Entirely on them.

Such assholes.

Once I'm finished with these last bullshit 30 credits, I'm going to compose a letter so intelligent, so inspiring, so poignant, and so mean to the head honcho describing in terrifying details how upset I am with the treatment I received, how let down I am with the education I received and how ashamed he should feel to know that this kind of behavior is happening on his watch. I'm going to point fingers, name names and ask for a full refund since I believe that the standard of services I got were well below acceptable.

And even though I'm sure I won't get anything in return, I'll at least feel a little bit better knowing that I put my angry feelings into a letter and let my final words to that university be a big FUCK YOU.

Then I'll take my diploma, make a photocopy of it and then burn the photocopy in a ceremonial circle that I'll create to release all of that negative juju into the air and out of my life for good. And I'll seal the original copy and keep it in a lock-box for safe keeping.

Right on the brink. It'll feel so good once something is finally not on the brink, but properly finished.

Posted by Sam at 01:44 PM | Permalink

I have a piercing on my face.

Just a little one. The technical term is a "labret," but that word tends to scare people for some reason whenever I say it out loud. It rests in between my chin and lower lip, right in the middle looking dainty and not causing any problems or any harm to anyone. It's very small, but for me it holds so much.

Whenever I go on an interview, I always pause and wonder if I'll take it out and temporarily replace it with a clear stud that isn't anywhere near as cute and surprisingly more irritating than my metal studs; the clear ones are more acceptable, though, and what I consider to be a compromise between what I like and what the company considers to be distracting. Sometimes I take it out, and other times I simply leave it in because I can't be bothered to take it out. I think, what's the point? If I do manage to get the job I'm not going to want to take it out every single day and replace it with a clear stud. They should know that I have it and accept it straight away. My argument is, why should I remove something that reflects in no way my abilities to do the job? It's a piercing, not some kind of disability.

This past Saturday, Momma, Mel and myself all went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast with one of Momma's friends, Janet. We were all sitting there eating our breakfast when Mel pointed out to me that one of the chefs had a hair net over his beard, which was very long and Santa-like. I then said that it was cool of the restaurant to give him the option of wearing a "face-net" rather than saying that he had to shave it off, or work in a different part of the restaurant where his long beard wouldn't be as much of a distraction.

That started off a friendly debate between Janet and myself over what is considered appropriate for work/different businesses and what it means for people who must change in some way to conform to a more "society appropriate" look. Mel rolled her eyes and occasionally Momma would pipe in with her two cents, but mostly it was Janet and I going back 'n' forth over people's personal looks and the companies that want to change them.

Janet brought up a lot of good points that I normally wouldn't take on board (because in this case I believe to be right and everyone else is wrong) and assessed that while companies shouldn't "judge a book by its cover" so to speak, everyone knows that first impressions are keen, and not just on interviews. The way people dress, the different kind of styles they have and so forth is an extension to some point of their personality. While a person's piercing(s), tattoo(s), dreadlocks or whatever doesn't necessarily mean that they're incapable of doing a certain kind of job, those looks do normally indicate that perhaps they have a more experimental side to themselves, a wild or radical side even, that a company might want to be aware of.

She then pointed out to me that while 98% of my look suggests that I am conservative, this one tiny piercing on my face says that I'm a risk taker and don't mind living a little dangerously, which to be honest, is very true. Whether we realize it or not, the way we represent ourselves in day-to-day life speaks volumes about who we are as a person. There are many, many, many studies out there that have proven this fact on more than one occasion.

So we continued our chat and she carried on to say that everyone's look changes over time, because we change as people. She knows people who started taking out their piercings as they got older, or would cover up their tattoos and would change because they were leaving their younger self behind and growing up into their adult self who was now accepting all of their new responsibilities. There would be no more partying and living like a crazy heathen (or a lot less of it), and they instead traded it all for the Corporate Office, dry cleaned suits and a more "grown-up" look. It's just that next step that a lot of people take at some point in their life.

I got to thinking about it, and it all made perfect sense. I know it seems so blatantly obvious now, but I was so hell bent on making my point over my tiny piercing that I blocked out all other opinions. I also think that I was so defensive about leaving my piercing in because in all actuality, I don't want to make that next leap into "adulthood." It isn't really about the little stud, because I know what it is for me and I could care less what other people think. It's really about the "growing up" part and saying a final farewell to my Student Self. All summer I could pretend that I wasn't really leaving, but now that university has kicked back into full gear and I'm not apart of it, there's not much I can really do except say goodbye and accept this new phase in my life that I'm entering.

I'm going to be turning twenty-four this week. I'm going to be one year older and no more wiser than I was last year. I am growing up, one day at a time, and I need to get it through my thick skull that my days of lazing around and careless living are over. I'm not a student anymore. I'm going to be a full-time worker at whatever job decides to hire me and have to start acting like an adult. I guess it all has to happen to us at some point.

But I'm leaving my little piercing right where it is, as a reminder of my Peter Pan days, and any company that doesn't accept it can sod off. That part is staying with me, even if it's not who I am anymore.

Posted by Sam at 04:36 PM | Permalink

For some reason ever since I came back home I've had a strong urge to start smoking again. It's probably because I don't do anything except sit at home and count the cracks that are forming in our walls, so the boredom leads me to start thinking about those dirty little friends that used to hug me whenever I wanted one. You can only search for so many jobs, or clean the house so many times, or read so many books until you finally think to yourself, "fuck it. I'm going to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke those bastards like there's no tomorrow."

I didn't start smoking again, in case you were wondering. Mostly because I'm stupidly poor and can't even buy a pack of gum to try and ease the smoke cravings. Instead, I've found a new addiction that I believe is a lot healthier for me and teaches me some valuable lessons.

I am of course referring to that bastard game on facebook called FarmVille. I've only been farming for a little over a day and already I'm hooked like some kind of farming crack addict. I plow, I harvest, I pet my animals and clean up my neighbors farms when they're away. I do this for hours and forget that I'm unemployed, still finishing up my last term of university and should probably even take a shower now and again.

You wouldn't think that a game like this would teach anyone anything, except to waste endless amounts of time when I could be doing something much more productive (like blogging, for instance), but it teaches me how to be more patient, which as we all know is a very hard lesson for me to learn. I'm greedy, selfish and want everything to happen RIGHT NOW. Why do I have to wait for my pumpkins to grow in eight hours until I can harvest them? That's so long from now! I WANT TO HARVEST THEM NOW.

That then leads me to start planning things a little bit more on my farm. I have to calculate how long it'll take something to grow and if the coins I'll receive for my patience is even worth it. Can I be bothered to plant an entire farm full of strawberries? Sure, it only takes them four hours to grow, but I only receive 35 coins for my patience. Not worth it in my book. I'd much rather go for the rice that takes 12 hours to grow, but costs 89 coins when it comes to harvest.

Oh yes, my friends. I am that girl on facebook now.

Aside from perfecting my electronic green thumb, I have been doing other things. I'm still half-heartedly searching for a job and have some promising prospects in my near future. Why, just this Thursday I have double booked myself for two interviews! Last week I was supposed to go in for an interview for an executive assistant position. It was cancelled twice (!) and then re-scheduled for this Thursday at 5p.m. Like, who has interviews that late? Seriously. It's such a pain in the ass. Either way, it's scheduled and if they cancel on me one more time I might just tell them not to even bother with me anymore.

This morning I was woken up by the cell phone ringing and had to practice saying, "hello" a couple of times before I answered. I didn't want the person on the other end to hear my groggy voice, even though I was sure they could still probably tell I had just woken up seconds before.

Turns out it was the hiring manager from a company that I interviewed with a month ago. A MONTH AGO. A full month! Who waits that long to get in contact with a potential candidate? Seriously. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me. She didn't even ask if I was still available for work! She just said that they would like me to come in for a second interview to meet with someone I didn't speak to before on my first interview, which happened A MONTH AGO.

I agreed of course. Even though it was a month ago, it's still with a bitchin' company whose benefits are twice as bitchin'. I mean, if I could land this job I'd probably stay with them for years because the benefits are THAT GOOD. You know, if I get it and they ever call since they seem to like taking their sweet time getting in touch with people!

While I'm there, I'm going to meet up with my good friend, Erik, who also works at the same company. We haven't seen each other since he was in London to visit with me, so it'll be nice to have a couple of tacos from Chipotle and catch up on each other's lives. I'm really excited for it actually.

I have a third job option as well, which came from that one previous Shit Job That I Hated With A Burning Passion. The Shit Job was "put on hold" because the Shit Company didn't even know if they wanted to keep that position anymore. I was like, "thanks for letting me know A MONTH LATER." I'm glad I wasn't waiting for that to pull through. This new job, however, is working for the recruiting company that was trying to get me the Shit Job (if that makes sense). It turns out that their accounts manager needs an Executive Personal Assistant ASAP and said that they'd let me know their decision by Friday. I already had a phone interview with them at 9P.M. RIGHT BEFORE GREY'S ANATOMY STARTED. Who calls people at 9p.m. to have a phone interview? Seriously. What is wrong with these companies these days?!

Mr. Late Night Phone Call interviewed me for twenty-three whole minutes, and because I wasn't exactly in an interview mood, and I was watching Grey's Anatomy on mute while he jabbered away, I gave some pretty forward answers that I probably wouldn't have normally given if it was a standard, normal interview. Although, I think he thoroughly enjoyed my super honest answers and said that he'd let me know something soon. I just hope he doesn't call again during any of my other favorite shows.

SO. It looks like even though I've pretty much given up on this whole "job searching" thing, stuff seems to keep coming in. I hope one of these jobs sticks, though, because I'm getting really tired of being unemployed. Sure, it was fun for a little while, but now I want to have a different reason to leave the house, other than going out for groceries. It feels like something should happen for me soon though.

Until then, you can find me out on the farm.

Posted by Sam at 07:17 PM | Permalink

You know what I love to do?

Complain.

Oh, god (!) do I love complaining! And whining and crying and all of that really annoying shit that people generally can't put up with because it makes them feel like glass is slowly being inserted into their brains.

BUT, I love it. It's AMAZING. Therapeutic even.

Sometimes I even like to hear other people complain, because I realize that we all have problems that we need to vent from time to time. Do you have a problem? If so, EMAIL ME TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT. Because I know after people complain, after they get that heavy load off of their chest and share it with someone else, you usually feel SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Of course, after you do all of that complaining, you had better go and try to do something to fix it, because I can only handle so much complaining on the same topic before I start going a little mad. Complaining is just the first step to actually fixing whatever it is you're complaining about in the first place.

But for the most part, I'm totally down with complaining.

SO. Here's my blog post where I don't do anything else except complain about my problems. Enjoy.

Continue reading ""Hope it changes, hope my life changes; gets alright somehow; oh, I'm waiting for tomorrow"" »

Posted by Sam at 09:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This past week I have been watching way too much TV.

Way too much.

I used to not like American TV. When I was away (and even a bit before I left), I hardly watched any TV, and the time I did spend in front of it, I mostly watched British reality shows. Whenever I'd come back home and flip on the telly, it was too much for me to handle in one go. American TV, if you're not used to it (or have been away from it for a long period of time), can be very In Your Face at times and is DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA all the time. Our morning news channels, our entertainment channels, our reality TV, our sit down sitcoms, everything. It's always very over the top and can be a tad over dramatized.

BUT, once you get used to it, god it can be addicting. I can't get enough of it now, and for the past two weeks I have relinquished any kind of responsibility to finding a job or doing any kind of productive writing, and have instead taken to watching anything that's on TV. And what have I learned in the past week that the television has taught me?

We are all crazy.

And it's cool. But we're all definitely bat shit crazy.

Just this past week, I've watched countless episodes of E! True Hollywood Story. Oh my goodness y'all, I love this show. I have always loved this show, but when you watch so many back to back, it can really have an effect on you. I watched one about kidnappings, which frightened me so much, now every time I hear a noise in the house I swear it's some pedophile trying to break in to kidnap me and keep me locked away in some motel room for months. I watch all of these stories about famous people who have hard times, and either manage to overcome it and make extraordinary comebacks, or eventually lose their battle with the limelight and are forever remembered as an icon who left a prominent mark on the entertainment industry.

One of my favorite episodes is the one about Christina Aguilera. When the pop stars like Christina, Britney, Mandy and all of the boy bands were first emerging, I was going through that phase where everything pop was retarded, and so I never admitted to liking her music. I thought she was just some air head pop star and I was showing how cool I was by not buying her albums, but instead listening to Linkin' Park and screaming about how I felt misunderstood. Little did I know that I'd eventually morph into one of her biggest fans and grow to admire her as a person and acknowledge her amazing talent. Now I can say that I am a full fledged Christina fan, and have boundless respect for her.

This week was also the premiere of Oprah's 24th season, and she opened with a two-day show and a very candid interview with the legendary Whitney Houston. I had been waiting for ages, as most of the world has, and I was eager to hear what she had to say about her seven year absence.

It was awesome.

That interview with Oprah and Whitney Houston was awesome. And I don't care what anyone else says.

Bless Whitney Houston, for being so open, so honest and just telling it like it is. Her voice was a little scratchy, and it sounded like she could have done with some water, but I totally understood where she was coming from. Her life is obviously ten thousand times bigger than mine, so her stories were on a much grander scale, but nonetheless it was the same. I related to Whitney. I felt where she was coming from. I knew what she meant when she said that she used drugs to cover up the pain, how she can sometimes have the desire for it, and trying to take it one day at a time. I knew what she meant when she was talking about her attraction to Bobby and how they had passion for the passion, and how the relationship eventually became destructive. She was trying to find herself, like we all try to do. She just had to do it very publicly and was criticized every step of the way.

When E! updates her True Hollywood Story, she will be one of the entertainers that makes it out to the other side.

Then there is of course, this past Sunday's antics at the 2009 Mtv Video Music Awards with Kanye West showing how much of a dick he can be. I watched on as it happened live and cringed, and felt so horrible for sweet Taylor Swift who was so genuinely shocked and excited. And then not so excited.

I rarely get too upset or thrown by things that famous people do these days, because I'm like, meh, they're famous. But this whole hullabaloo really upset me, because it was rude and humiliating to Taylor. Regardless if people like her music or what their opinions were about who should have won, it was her moment and he ruined it for her. I don't like rude people, and I certainly do not like Kanye West (although his songs are damn catchy).

People are saying that it was staged for one reason or another, but I don't care either way. On Sunday we all saw Kanye West make an ass out of himself and now he's having to live with the aftermath. He even stated on Jay Leno that he was going to take some time off to reflect on himself, which I think is probably for the best. We all need that kind of time. Whitney Houston took seven years. I'm taking time off now. There's nothing wrong with it.

These famous people, these superstars, these icons, these legends - they're all people. They're all humans who have problems just like you and me. They all have talent (well, most of them) and we place them up high on these pedestals and then set unimaginable standards for them to constantly live up to; no wonder most of them go off the deep end and lose themselves. I can barely live up to my own expectations, let alone everyone else's. Why should we expect them to be any different? But we do, and then we judge them.

It must be hard to live under those bright lights and try to please everyone. I used to say that it was their choice to be famous, so they have to live with the consequences, but I don't think that anymore. In some cases, yes, people are simply famous because they're famous, and bring on a lot of unwanted attention to themselves. But musicians, actors and other famous personalities are just trying to make it like the rest of us. They make movies, or they sing songs. That's their jobs, we should let them do it and give them some peace. Otherwise we end up tearing down the people we helped raise up, and that's not good for anybody.

Posted by Sam at 02:14 AM | Permalink

When I was at university, I thought I was invincible. Obviously, that wasn't really the case since I was ill 3/4th of the time I was there and spent numerous days in bed recovering from my hangovers. But nonetheless, I was still invincible. No one could stop me, get in my way or prevent me from doing anything that I wanted. I'm not sure where this unknown power came from, but alas, there it was.

It's so weird to think about my time at uni, now that I'm back at home and have had time to sort through all of my leftover emotions and memories. I'm not sure if anyone felt the same super powers that I did, but I never felt that I wasn't safe, and I certainly never thought anything bad could happen. University was shrouded in this invisible safety bubble that kept us all shielded from the outside dangers and I never worried that I'd ever fall victim to any kind of horrible misfortune.

Since I've come back home, however, I am now acutely aware of every single danger that surrounds not only me, but also Momma and Mel. Perhaps it's having too much time on my hands to sit and think about all of the different things that could happen, but I'm not sure that's it; I had loads of time to sit around at uni and I never thought about the different bad things that could happen then. It's only now I realize how lucky I was nothing bad happened, and how I should probably be a lot more careful in the future.

But it's this new worry, this new stress, this new over protective feeling I have over Momma and Mel now that sometimes can keep me awake at night. Not long after I got back home, I either developed, or had reawaken this feeling to make sure that they were both taken care of at all times. Part of me wanted to keep them at the house at all times so I could keep an eye on them and make sure that they were okay; and every time they stepped outside to go to work, I was so sure that they were going to get in some kind of horrific car accident and I'd get a phone call to come down to the hospital.

It's these thoughts that constantly swirl around in my head, and I think to myself, if I just keep thinking about it, then nothing bad will happen. It's always when you're not thinking about it, when you least expect something, is when all of the bad things imaginable happen. So I keep torturing myself and thinking of every worst case scenario, to make sure that that particular day isn't the day I dread the most.

I'm more worried about Mel, though, and am always making sure that she's taken care of. After I left, I didn't realize how much of an impact it would have on her. I was her best friend and we did everything together, but after I was gone, she was bound to the house and has since developed her own group of "work friends" that I despise and am positive are getting her into hard drugs (even though Mel is the complete opposite of me as far as rebellion goes and can barely stomach a Smirnoff Ice, let alone do a line of coke). I've never met her friends, but I don't trust them. The Big Sister Instinct comes out, and whenever she leaves the house to go hang out with them, I'm glued to the house phone in case she calls needing me to come pick her up from a house party gone wrong, and give her a ride back home.

Just a couple of weeks ago she went out to a club in DC with one of her work friends that I hate the most, and I couldn't sleep properly. I imagined her being peer pressured into drinking until she couldn't control herself and then taken advantage of by some strange man with greasy hair and a dodgy mustache. I instinctively woke up at five o'clock to make sure she was back home, and there she was in bed, sound asleep. She appeared to be fine, and after my interrogation the next morning, I was positive nothing bad happened, and it was just a typical night out.

I hate that I constantly worry about them like this. I hate that I imagine horrible things happening and wondering if I'd be able to handle it. I hate that there's this guilt that has come out of nowhere and now I feel like I should make up for the time that I was away. I know they're both perfectly capable of taking care of themselves (obviously Momma has been taking care of herself for a very long time now), but now that I'm back I feel like I should be the one taking care of them. Maybe it's a way of me saying, "thanks" for letting me go off to find myself and supporting me for three years. Or maybe it's a way of me saying that I'm crazy and need to learn how to let them do their own things. Bad things happen, and me constantly stressing about it won't help. I know this, and yet I still worry, I still think about it, and I still believe that I'll be more prepared for when the inevitable happens.

Posted by Sam at 09:43 PM | Permalink

Jon and Helen liked to call it "weather hugs" when they were here for their visit two years ago. I just like to call it muggy. SO. MUGGY. The heat and moisture in the air that likes to cling to my body the moment I walk outside, and feels like it's suffocating me from the inside out it's so thick.

On a day like today with the mugginess, I remember when Jon and Helz were here and we spent nearly two glorious weeks being American together and I proudly showed them around all of Northern Virginia. This is my state. This is where I live. This is where I know the back roads and try to maneuver my way out of traffic when things tend to get backed up whenever there's the slightest disruption on the roads. This is me.

Only it's not me anymore, and I realized it last night when I was in bed staring up at the ceiling for nearly forty minutes before I decided to turn off my lamp. I'm not Sam from Virginia, I am simply Sam. I am a girl who is indecisive, constantly changing and retracing my steps because sometimes I get a little lost and don't know what to do.

Last night I got to thinking about all of those big Life Questions that I mentioned a couple of days ago, and thought I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be in this state of Virginia, or this state of mind. I'm tired of going round and round in circles wondering what it is that I want or don't want and teeter-tottering back and forth between everything. So I came up with a simple list of What I Do and What I Don't want.

I do want to be home and near family. I'm glad I came back to be closer to Momma and Mel, and now that I've been back for a couple of months I really see how much they need me, just as much as I need them. My sister needs me, and part of me feels guilty for even leaving her in the first place. My mother needs me to help with my sister and I'm glad I can be here to help.

I don't want to be in Virginia anymore. As much as I love being back near family, this state just isn't for me. I thought I wanted to come back and get back into the government scene and be a kick ass admin again, but I really fucking don't. The only bad part is that I'm going to have to do it anyway now since I only have $65 to my name. At least for a little while.

I don't want to take this shit job that I've been offered earning (what I consider to be) pennies. I don't want to make their charts and graphs and do gay research for a contract that probably isn't going to last any longer than a year. But part of me already knows that I'm going to accept it, because it is a paycheck, and when you only have $65 to your name, and a debt of roughly $50,000.00, you'll take anything you can get. I tell myself that it'll only be temporary, and if something better comes along, I'll totally jump on it, but still the other half of me is screaming WASTE OF FUCKING TIME. DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

I do want to get into writing. I don't have any fucking idea how I'm going to do it, or if it'll actually manifest into something potential, but every day I'll give it a go and see where it takes me. I applied for an internship with another online blog/magazine and should have a phone interview set up for sometime next week. Obviously all of the work that I'll be putting in now will be unpaid (we all gotta pay our dues I suppose), but I don't care. I need the experience. I want the experience.

In time, I do want to move back to England permanently. The goal I've set for myself is about two years. I'm giving myself two years to work at crappy jobs here that I hate (hopefully paying much more than this shit company has offered me), save up ass loads of money, then apply for a work visa. I've already started getting emails ready for my "contacts" that I have over in London that I know will know how to help point me in the right direction of getting a job. My awesome recruiter, Tabitha, for starters who loves me and always got good feedback from me wants me to come back. And then there's my tutor from second year, Sarah Turvey, who was born in the states and has been living in England for the majority of her life. She'll definitely know all of the ins and outs of the red tape I'm sure I'm going to have to fight with.

I thought about all of that before I closed my eyes, and thought, "yes, that is exactly right." Before I left I was so naive, thinking that I knew everything about everything and had never experienced anything substantial, but certainly had an opinion about it. Work was work, money was money, friends were friends, family was family, and I never worried about anything else.

Then I went away and learned so much about myself, I can't even begin to try to explain it all. "Life changing experience" doesn't even chip away the corner of what happened to me. Those three years taught me more than the previous twenty years when I was in the states. And now I am more comfortable with myself and have cold hard experiences to back up all of my opinions now.

I know I had to leave. Even though every single day is tough because I miss everything I left behind, I know I needed to come back. For Momma and Mel, yes, but for myself. I was a fucking mess the day I left and mentally, I needed some time to cool off from the city that I liked to battle with. I had no stability, and I certainly didn't have any balance. But I had a life. It was my life that I could call my own, grab with both hands and do whatever I wanted to do with it. It was all mine.

I never really had a life in Virginia. I definitely don't have a life now. All I had back then was work, a little bit of money and the mall to visit every single Saturday buying up things that I'd probably throw away two months later.

Of course I say all of this now, but who knows what will happen within the next two years, hell, the next two weeks? Maybe I'll decide to move to Boston, or Texas, or New York (liked I said I would) and find a new happiness there. Maybe I'll find a dream job here and decide to live out the rest of my days in Virginia and laugh at this post that I've written when I'm much older. All I know at this very moment, though, is that when the time is right, and when I'm properly set up, I'm going to leave. And hopefully I'll finally be able to remain stationary, instead of rocking from one side to another.

Posted by Sam at 12:31 AM | Permalink

Today I got ready backwards. Well, sort of. Generally before I get in the shower, I pick out clean underwear and clothes so I can have them with me in my bathroom. See, my room is all the way on the third floor of our townhouse, and the bathroom that I lucked out with is the one on the bottom floor next to the garage. It may sound a little dodge, but it really isn't. Since we re-organized the entire family room, now I spend the majority of my time downstairs with the big TV. I feel better when I'm not laying in bed 24/7. Now I'm on the couch.

Anyway, I was downstairs today and I couldn't be bothered to walk all the way upstairs to get my clothes. I decided to just hop straight into the shower knowing full well that I'd have to go back upstairs eventually to get some clean clothes. So I took my shower, dried off, blow dried my hair, brushed my teeth and put on deodorant all completely stark naked. Then I walked upstairs (still naked) to my room, put on some clean underwear and pajamas.

It was a different routine that I usually follow, and it felt daring. I was living outside of the box. Hell, I was completely defying the way that I live!

And it was amazing.

I thought I should do more crazy things. Maybe I could blog two days in a row? HOW INSANE WOULD THAT BE?!

Someone stop me now.

**

As I mentioned yesterday (and one time on twitter), I found a new, upcoming online magazine that has so graciously let me write for them. Granted, I've only written one article so far, but I've got another idea brewing for this week and I thought I should probably give this whole "writing" thing another go. For real this time. I should honestly think and act like how a real writer would do, like writing a little bit of something every day, regardless if it's truly revolutionary, or ultimately run-on sentences that make absolutely no sense whatsoever, or even have a point.

Hence the blogging two days in a row.

Not only do I have some articles I need to write every week for this new online magazine, I have some unfinished work that I need to get cracking on really soon (like, yesterday kind of soon), because before you know it, I'm going to be a part-time student again with two final projects that I need to whip together for a final grade so I can officially have a goddamn Bachelor's degree that I've been struggling on for the past three years. Honestly, I need to sort it out.

I've set up the desk, organized it, cleared off some space and am practically ready to go. Now all I have to do is stop watching movies on Mel's laptop through Netflix and actually do some bloody writing.

Write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam.......

One of the things I wrote on my first article that I sent in for the online magazine was talking about how a person should get to know themselves when they're unemployed (P.S. my article is called "10 Things to do When You're Unemployed - aside from look for jobs"). It's number six on my list of things to do. A person should sit and properly get to know themselves. You know, like ask themselves all of those really hard life questions that people eventually have to ask themselves at some point in time, and then make a decision. What are they passionate about? Did they really enjoy the last job they were at? Do they want to go traveling? What is it that you want to really do with your life? Waste it? Put it to good use?

I was writing it all and I thought, "fuck, I haven't even asked myself these questions." Here I am advising people to do it themselves, when I haven't even done it. That hardly seems fair.

So today I started asking myself some of the questions. What do I want to do with my life?

What an insane question! Who knows that answer? Well, I suppose some people know that answer. Perhaps some people have always known that they've wanted to cut people open, poke around on their insides and then sew them back together hoping that they make a full recovery. Or maybe some other people have always known that they are simply born to mix ingredients together and wow (!) people's taste buds with their edible works of art. I'm sure some people must know.

But I don't know. And I hate to say it. I know I'd like to write, but I don't know how to go about it. I know that I need a job for the time being to start collecting some money to sustain some kind of life that makes me feel more independent and less like a fourteen-year-old girl living in a small rural town listening to 3 Doors Down and thinking that their words mean something. And I know that all of these jobs that I'm applying for, I'm very much qualified to do, but it's certainly not a place I want to be stuck in for the next twenty years.

I know I want love. Don't laugh! It's cheesy, but it's true. I may always sound like some kind of commitment phobe that doesn't want to get emotionally close to someone because I'm scared of, well, commitment. But I'd like to find someone some day who knows that I speak in a baby voice to make people laugh when they're mad at me, and someone who knows I hate the lovey dovey shit out in public, but when it's just the two of us I'm just as corny as a Hallmark card.

I wonder if I'm doing the right things. I worry that someone may never hire me because I sweat when I'm nervous and make bad jokes about the weather. And I keep thinking that the reason why I'm still unemployed is because I'm wasting time looking for jobs that I'll end up hating (given enough time), and I'm not spending enough time doing what I should really be doing. What I'm meant to be doing.

It's just some things I've been thinking about before I have to go and pick my little sister up from her job.

Posted by Sam at 07:29 PM | Permalink

"Tell me," she says to me while we sit across from each other in the interview room.

"Why should we hire you?"

The first thing that comes to mind is, "geez, they really ask these questions in interviews? I thought it was just something for people to write about on the internet."

The second thing that comes into my head? Because I need the money.

Of course I don't say that. I say something along the lines of, "because I'm an excellent and hard working individual. I believe I can fulfill everything that you're seeking in an employee and will happily if given the chance to do so."

Something like that. Only I stutter and shake because I'm shit at interviews. I have come to the conclusion that interviewing with a company is just like dating, only with suits and much more forward questions that you're supposed to cleverly answer while believing in everything that you say. I am equally shit at dating, so there ya go. Unemployed and single. Awesome.

I've been on three interviews now, which I suppose is a good thing. At least I know my résumé isn't shit anymore. People are calling and asking me to come in to meet with them. Now my only problem is the actual talking portion of the process and I seem to be failing spectacularly at it. I mean, I once prided myself at being a fantastic conversationalist and now all I keep thinking the second I walk inside is, PRESSURE, PRESSURE, PRESSURE. MUST GET JOB SO I CAN PAY BILLS AND LIVE. I try to do research about the company beforehand so I can have something to talk about with them, or perhaps even ask some semi-educational questions towards the end, but nothing seems to stick in my brain. It's nothing but oil and water up there.

So I just go to these interviews thinking that I can wow (!) them by sitting pretty and smiling and hoping they don't ask me anything too hard.

Oh, the job market. It sure is hard to deal with these days. Surprisingly, I am dealing okay. After my first really sad breakdown, I've actually been upbeat, staying positive and moving forward. I've been applying for not just the administrative roles, but also some writing gigs that I find whenever I get tired of looking at all of the office jobs. So far I've managed to land one gig that is pretty flexible and I'll be able to show off the finished product once the website launches in September. It's so cool, I even have my own "About Me" section, with a picture and everything! How cool is that? Um, for someone who has absolutely zero writing experience, it's pretty damn cool. I've already written one article for them, and plan to write at least 1-2 articles every week about.....stuff. I have to think of the topics, but the point is I get to write about it without many limits.

And while Home Life can be pretty boring most of the time, and looking for jobs round the clock isn't the most stimulating of activities, I think I've gotten used to hanging out here on my lonesome. I just keep thinking that we'll have our own little baby running around soon (once he's old enough to leave his doggy mother), and then I won't be so lonesome. And that every day you never know who might call with a potential offer for....something. I've decided to take some good advice and enjoy unemployment life while it lasts. Once it's over with, it's finished, and who knows when I'll get another break? If anything, I should really take this time to stand in front of the mirror and rehearse some educated speeches for when I'm sitting across the table from another recruiter asking me why they should employ me.

Posted by Sam at 09:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Let's just get this out of the way right now, shall we?

I used to take drugs.

There. I said it. I used to take a myriad, cocktail-induced amount of drugs back in the day. You name it, I've probably taken it. There was my phase with prescription pills when I was in high school (somas, percocets and speed were my favorites), and then there is of course the time I spent in London at university. I smoked my fair share of weed, enjoyed chilling with the white lady from time to time, went on a far out ride on mushrooms once, took adderall for "concentration reasons" and enjoyed coming up on MDMA. It was just something that I did to experiment, experience and feel for myself. Now I can say I lived it and am officially over it.

I was never really "addicted" to any of the drugs to the point where I was willing to do unimaginable things to get my fix. I wasn't turning tricks on the corners or giving head to strangers just so I could get a free line or two out of someone who probably had crushed up some aspirin and wrapped it in some paper. It never got to that point. I was a regular user though. A recreational user. A social user. A whatever user. On and off during my three years at university I was on one the above mentioned drugs at some point in time.

If I had to pick, I'd say that cocaine was the worst, and the ugliest of everything I used to do. I did it for the longest time and there was a point for a couple of months during my first year that I thought I might have developed a problem. I used to cut up my lines, roll up a five pound note and snort every last morsel of powder that I could find, and rub the remaining remnants on my upper and lower gums. One time I even attempted snorting a dangling earring that some famous person was wearing on the cover of a magazine, which I had mistaken as a second line. I was so excited until I realized that I was actually snorting nothing and looked like a moron in more ways than one.

MD was the last drug I took, and it was on May 30th of this year, only a mere three months ago. MD I would have to say was my favorite out of everything I've ever taken and was "good" in a lot more ways that put cocaine to shame. The first thing would be when I would "come up" when the drug would start to properly kick in. God, coming up was one of the greatest feelings in the world, especially if the environment that you were in complimented the drug. Drum 'n' bass music on full blast, a dark room and strobe lights would race through your body and you felt everything from the inside out. All you want to do is dance with your water bottle and be left alone to enjoy the moment.

It also would last for ages and one hit would keep you awake the entire night, rather than having to constantly run to the toilets or a dark corner to sort out another line of coke. The come downs once the drug started wearing off weren't as horrible as my come downs used to be on cocaine either. MD was definitely the drug of choice.

I hate it when people who look down on drugs or don't agree with them ask, "why did you do it?!" as if I was forced in a corner with a gun to my head and didn't take the bullet instead. The thing is, I don't really know why I used to do it. I don't think it was because "everyone was doing it" that appealed to me. I think it was more of a curiosity that I wanted to know what would happen to me if I did indulge. I thought it would make my nights out amongst all of the city lights better, enhance them a little more and I would be more in control of myself and remember more things, unlike whenever I was drunk off my face. Drugs did give me a little more control funnily enough, and yet still allowed me to be completely wrecked on a different plane.

Our uni world that we lived in made it seem like taking drugs was normal, acceptable and safe. No one would ever bash you for not taking drugs (more for me!) and everyone seemed like an expert. This batch looks like good MD, this coke is weak or whatever. I never felt like I was going to get caught, harm myself or others, or that it was even bad. It was just there, a part of our lives and I happened to be one of the people that said yes, rather than no. Once the drug would wear off and clear itself out of my system (usually a process that required a full day), then I'd go back to doing normal every day things that didn't require me to be high.

Now that I've been "clean" for three months, I don't find myself having any cravings or itching for a little dab here and there. I think about it from time to time, but that's about it. Besides, it wouldn't feel right for me to even be doing it here in the states, because the scene isn't right, the people don't understand and it doesn't feel as natural as before. Thinking about me doing any kind of drug in the states just seems really weird.

However, just because I have that mentality and I don't consider myself to be an addict, doesn't mean that my past of using doesn't still follow me around. It is proving to be extremely difficult to get a job of any kind around here, because all of the security paperwork requires me to list all the drugs I used to take in the past and how often I used to take them. It also doesn't help that the last time I dropped an MD bomb was just three months ago. Not enough time has elapsed for anyone to consider me as "rehabilitated" and with all the rest of the drugs I listed together makes me look like I was some kind of crack whore on my applications.

I'm not a bad person because I used to do drugs. I'm simply a person who happened to take drugs. And just because it is going to be a lot harder for me to get a job now, I wouldn't change one thing about any of the drugs I used to do while I was over there. The experiences, the knowledge I gained and stories I have will always be with me and have helped shape me into who I am today. I realize that there are risks and that other people may have not had the same kind of outcome as I did, but it is a part of who I am, who I was back then and who I want to move on from in the future.

Posted by Sam at 08:21 AM | Permalink

It is so true what they say: when you're busy, you're usually so busy you can't see straight and it never feels like you can catch a break. But when you're not busy...when you're stuck at home with absolutely nothing to do, you don't really know what to do with yourself. There's never a happy medium of "in between," which is so annoying.

The first month was great. Lizzie came to visit, we had good times and it was nice to finally get that break from the stress and worries that used to follow me around in London. I didn't have to worry about cooking for myself anymore, bills piling up around my feet or any of the local drama. I was at home baby! And I was loving it, living it up and soaking in this newfound relaxing freedom! I mean whew (!) why didn't I do this more often?

The second month came out of nowhere and it finally hit me that maybe I should get a job. A good paying job at that. December would be here in no time and that's when I need to make my first student loan payment. And then of course when I found out about my lacking of 30 credits, I realized that I need to pay for that hefty payment in one lop as well. And I wanted to go places, do things, socialize. That all required moolah that I just did not have. So the search began. And so did the waiting.

Now I'm rolling on month number three. Three months since I left London, came back home and have spent 85% of my time in bed watching re-runs of The West Wing on dvd, and eating soft chocolate chip cookies for lunch. I would say it's the good life, but my time of relaxing is over. I'm tired of doing nothing. I want a job! I have things I want to buy and save for. My list of Things I Want is getting longer with each passing day, and I'm headed straight for the Unhappy Place in my head.

This past Friday I cried for two hours. And the whole time I hated myself because I know things aren't that bad. Things have been a lot worse for me in the past, and things are hella bad for a lot of people out there that I don't even know. Why am I being such an impatient whiny baby? I mean, hell, at least I went on one interview. At least I have a few people on "the inside" at a couple different companies who are trying to pull strings for me and shove my CV into different people's hands. At least I have a caring mother who lets me stay at home completely rent-free, feeds me and wants me to do nothing else except pay off all of my student loans. Why was I crying? AGAIN? OVER NOTHING? I'M SO UNGRATEFUL.

I was crying because even though I know all of that, I still get frustrated with things. I am super impatient and when things don't go my way I tend to get cranky. I am a five-year-old living inside of my nearly 24 (!) body and sometimes the only way I know how to cope is to just sit and cry. Cry, cry, cry, C-R-Y. I cried in the shower. I cried in my room. I cried when I was brushing my teeth. I just cried. And if felt good to do something other than me sitting like a bump on a log watching re-runs on the telly.

I'm trying to stay positive. I know these things take time and I'm trying to relish all of this free time I have to finish up the books on my night-stand, or lay out by the pool when it's sunny outside. But those worries and stresses aren't far away in my mind, and I still think about when it's time for me to pony up some money and I just don't have it on me. What will I do then?

Probably cry.

But after that, I'll have to wipe my eyes, blow my nose and figure out a different solution to the same goddamn problem.

Posted by Sam at 05:42 PM | Permalink

Let's talk about being alone. Or, more to the point, let's talk about being lonely.

Because my dear Internets, I've never been so lonely.

Almost two months since I've been back, and without much to do here, and not many people to hang with, I've been rather isolated. I only know two people here in VA now that I make the effort to hang out with and talk to on a regular basis. One of those people being my dear friend, Mendy. Everyone else that I used to work with or hang out with have long since disappeared, and I can't say that my life is any worse without them. I'm glad I don't speak to my old coworkers. I was a bad person with them. I wasn't who I am today.

Most of the time I spend my days reading, cruising the internet, watching the telly, or cleaning out some hole in the house. I have read more books these past two months than I read my entire three years at uni, which is sad to admit, and I've made more trips to our local Salvation Army to chuck out boxes of junk that we seem to collect. I get excited whenever Momma asks me to go to the grocery store for her and I wander up and down each aisle spending as much time there without being accused of shoplifting. I quit going on my walk/runs after the third day, because I'm lazy. There's not much else to that. And I'm constantly applying for jobs left and right with extremely slow results.

Aside from all of those stimulating activities, I sleep. I take my daily naps or I daydream of worst case scenarios that could happen to me while I'm at the house by myself. I like to torture myself and get myself all riled up about burglars breaking in and me having to call the police while hiding in Momma's closet. That would happen to me while I'm alone and have yet to take a shower. And at least it would be more exciting than sitting in my room deciding which pajamas I want to wear on that particular weekday.

I've accepted the fact that I'm here in Virginia now and I won't be going back to London for uni. In fact, I've discovered that my London memories are fading from the forefront of my mind rather quickly (too quickly for my liking) and now I only think about what I plan to do in the near future after I get a job. For instance I've decided I want to buy a dog. I love dogs and used to have the greatest little Pekingese named, John, and he was the perfect pet ever. My favorite pet really. So a dog we're buying in the next couple of months after we get the house ready with a new fence and such.

I've picked out which new car I want to buy next Christmas since mine is nearly ten years old and I'm ready for an upgrade. Hell, I've even started thinking about where I want to live in the next two years or so. Those future plans have started to show themselves in my brain and I'm ready to start thinking about them. What's next for Sammi Jo? What do I plan to be doing for the next five to ten years of my life? Where would I like to be? What would I like to be doing?

I know I've always seen myself writing and living in England, but that's no longer the be all, end all for me. If I find an opportunity that will lead me there again, then I'll probably take it, but I know it'll be a while before I can manage to live over there for the long-term. Until that day arrives I'll probably just be going over for holidays and have people come visit me over here. And I've accepted that fact surprisingly well. Maybe it's some kind of newfound adult that's rising from inside of me, but I know if someone would have said that to me even two years ago I would have thrown a massive tantrum and cried like a four-year-old. I prefer this new adult way a lot better.

Instead I've taken an interest in Human Resources. Before I left for university I used to assist our HR department and it was a lot of fun for me. I enjoyed planning/preparing the open houses, meeting the new employees and even handling all of the mundane paperwork. HR is where it starts for people and I know how hard it is for people to get that first step in the doorway (which is exactly what I'm going through now). I want to be able to help in any way that I can.

I've also been seriously doing some research on living in Texas. I don't know why that state all of a sudden appeals to me, but I wouldn't mind living there for a little while. The job scene is really good and it'd be nice to start out somewhere new again. I can't leave out the fact that one of the coolest bloggers I know lives down there as well. I mean, can we all just say FUN GALORE.

These are all plans, thoughts, ideas I've had. Without much else to occupy my time I've found that planning for the future is actually good for me, and a lot better than looking at a stranger's profile on facebook. I hope it all pans out according to plan, but as we all know life likes to throw wrenches into most ideas.

I hope something changes soon, though. This loneliness, this isolation, this never-ending waiting is crippling me.

Posted by Sam at 03:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Me: "You know how they show those pictures of when we first walked on the moon?"

Mel: "Yeah."

Me: "It doesn't look real. How do they walk on the top like that? I mean, we don't walk on the top of Earth do we? Are we on the edge too?"

Mel: "It's a little thing we like to call gravity, Sam."

Me: "I don't get it."

Mel: "It just feels like we're upright, when really we're being pulled towards Earth's center."

Me: "So we're really standing like this?" (Tilts to the side at a 90 degree angle)

Mel: "Yeah, pretty much. You do know that Earth is round, right?"

Me: "I don't like it. I don't like it one bit."

Posted by Sam at 12:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I sent my CV to one of those places where they dissect it for a couple of days and then send you the results back for FREE! within two to three business days. I didn't really think that I would agree with anything they said, and I told myself that they tell everyone the same things so that you would inevitably buy the deluxe package where a professional writer re-writes your entire CV, plus a cover letter, you get to have direct contact with the writer and a guaranteed job within the following three weeks, all for the low and convenient price of $69.95 a month. I thought they were all a big hoax until I did actually receive my results and it was a two page breakdown of everything that was wrong with my CV.

I know you're not meant to take things personally when searching for a job, but I've now applied for over 30 different positions and the phone has yet to ring. I don't believe in all of that "poor economy" bullshit and think know that I deserve to have a job. I am a good worker goddammit, and I want a fucking job!

Of course it's that kind of thinking that has probably kept me down and unemployed, which is why Miranda's words struck a chord with me while punching me in the chest.

She begins her summary of my CV nice enough and even apologizes ahead of time for being blunt and harsh. She doesn't seem to believe in wasting any time and wants to make sure that I'm up and employed sooner rather than later. Then she just cuts right to the chase and it feels like she has taken dirty axe and swung it directly at my knees.

She tells me that I am a very qualified worker, however, I'm not memorable. If she were a recruiter looking over my resumé it simply says "cooked meat" rather than "sizzling grilled steak". My presentation is sloppy and not what she would expect from an experienced administrative assistant at my level and the thing that stings me the most is when she says I'm only a "doer" not an "achiever".

Thank you, Miranda, for making me feel smaller than I already am.

Needless to say I felt pretty bad afterwards. Is this how I've been representing myself all these years? With a cluttered CV that's just cooked meat? Do I not sizzle? Am I really not memorable? Am I only someone's bitch who doesn't want to strive to be anything more?

I decided to eat the rest of the rainbow sorbet in our freezer and go to bed, because I figured that's what underachievers do.

Yesterday I forced myself awake 6a.m. even though for once I wasn't woken up by my charming neighbors, who for some unknown reason feel it's necessary to keep the engine running for at least 30 minutes on their truck that is probably equal in size or larger than a hippopotamus every single morning. Even though I wanted to roll back over and sleep until ten, I got up, got changed into my "appropriate" walk/run wear (which is basically just pajamas that can be worn outside without instantly being recognized as pajamas) and went outside for my second walk/run exercise regime. I know it's only the second time that I've actually managed to go for my little walk/run, but already I feel like it's doing some good. It's not about me hating my body (okay, I hate my thighs), or even being healthier. It's just about me needing to get out of the house for a little bit, even if it's at the ass crack of dawn.

After my power walk, I took a shower, got ready and headed over to Target. I only had a few things I wanted to pick up and needed to get Miranda's stupid words out of my head. Who was she to tell me that I'm simply a doer. I achieve things when I really want to. I got myself to London for university, didn't I? And....I've done some other things after that as well.

I decided to buy a diary since the one my uni gave me ended at the beginning of July. I never did understand why anyone would hand out a diary that stops halfway through the year, but in any case I needed a new one. I don't know what it is, but keeping a diary on hand just makes me feel a lot calmer about all things in life, even if I don't really have that much to pencil in. I also bought my first bottle of SPF 30 sunscreen since I'm now obsessed with not getting skin cancer at any cost. I've decided I need to go to the dermatologist as soon as I get insurance because I want to have every single mole examined on my body, just in case it does turn out to be some kind of cancer. And I finally bought Heather McElhatton's book, Jennifer Johnson is sick of being single, which I've been eyeing ever since Lizzie was here and we perused the book aisle on one of our many Target trips.

Since I've gotten back home, I've been reading so much more than I ever did at uni. I guess I was too busy with going out and distracted by pointless drama to ever take the time to read an entire book, but there ya go. Now that I have all this free time, occasionally I close my laptop and pick up a book which is always a good feeling. I feel smarter whenever I do. Currently I have four on the go, because I tend to flip flop depending on what mood I'm in. I have one by Kazuo Ishiguro called Never Let Me Go about cloning people just for their organs in England. It's a really good book, but because I started reading it while I was at uni, I've yet to finish it and have to be in the mood for something "deep". I'm also reading an essay by Eric G. Wilson called Against Happiness: In praise of melancholy. I generally love reading essays (I don't know when that love developed), but the beginning of this one is hard for me to get into, so I only read it when I'm up for a challenge. And the other one is by David Ebershoff called, The 19th Wife wherein a sister wife shoots her polygamist husband and her son that she dumped on the side of the road in the middle of the night when he was only 13 years old now has to try and prove her innocence.

All very good reads, but it has been a while since a book as really clawed into me and forced me to read it cover to cover. That is until yesterday when I got a hold of Jennifer Johnson is sick of being single. I mean let's face it, I'm a girly girl who likes to read girly things. But I'm a dark and twisty girl, a la Meredith Grey, and I like my girly girl books to have a bit of a dark and twisty end.

[*** BREAK NOW BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO SPOIL THE ENTIRE NOVEL IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO READ A GIRLY GIRL BOOK WITH A DARK AND TWISTY END ***]

First of all, Heather McElhatton wrote my life. I'm not even playing, the main character, Jen, is me. I've thought her exact thoughts and have been in the exact same positions. I mean, hell, she even STUDIED CREATIVE WRITING IN COLLEGE. She says it, right there in the book:

"Mrs. Biggles slinks in between my legs, purring. She knows I was going to be a real writer, but there were a lot of things I was going to do and then didn't. I'm lucky to have my job, because I didn't go to school for anything marketable. I studied creative writing because I wanted to travel the world and write deep, poignant novels that illuminated small but significant parts of the human condition that had heretofore not been uncovered or expressed so eloquently or with such graceful power."

I mean HELLO. THAT IS ME IS IT NOT? I have said those words I don't even know how many times! I've said those words to myself in my head, right here on this very blog, to my friends and family who care to listen. I'VE SAID THOSE EXACT WORDS.

Not only that, the book goes. It just grabs you and goes. You are literally shooting from one day to the next and it doesn't really stop. There aren't any chapters to slow you down, but rather three different sections that are roughly 90 pages each. Each day you follow Jen through her standard days at her job and the new relationship with her new boss and all of these new things keep happening to her. I mean, and all of these things had to happen to the author at some point in her life, because the details she gives, THE BRILLIANT DETAILS are so....detailed. Someone couldn't have just made it up. One of my favorite parts is when she's having a particularly bad day and she once again rips the words straight out of my brain and puts them in her book. Case in point:

"The next day at work Brad has still not responded to my e-mail and I'm in a ferocious mood. I accidentally knock someone's coat off the hanger when I'm hanging my parka up in the employee closet and I don't even pick it up. Instead I stare coldly at it on the floor and think, that's right, life's a bitch. You get knocked down and nobody picks you up, you just lie there in the dark, damp and alone."

ME! ME! ME! MY THOUGHTS!

But then, THEN you finally get to the end of the book. And you know what? JEN DOESN'T REALLY GET HER HAPPY ENDING. I mean, she kind of does, but it turns out her happy ending is more like a happy nightmare, and the man she was supposed to end up with (lovable Ted that makes her laugh) goes to her wedding where she married Brad, the rich Mama's boy who cheats on her with a stripper.

I WAS GOING TO WRITE THIS BOOK. Well, not this book exactly, but a similar version! My main heroine wasn't going to end up with any guy whatsoever, but I was going to leave it open-ended with a bit of hope that maybe something could happen in the future.

This is now straying and going way off what my intended point was.

[*** TO ALL THOSE WHO SKIPPED THE SPOILERS, YOU MAY NOW RETURN. I'M DONE RUINING THE BOOK FOR EVERYONE ***]

My point is, this is what I needed. I needed that reminder of why I love writing. Her book, Heather McElhatton's book, reminded me this is why I went to university in the first place to pursue creative writing. The words, the sentences, the structure, the flow, the quirkiness, the wit, the humor, all of it. That's why I wanted to write. University knocked a lot of love and passion out of me while I was there, but I picked up a few pointers over the three years, and can take that small amount of education for a big price and apply it to my love and passion for writing.

I want to write Heather McElhatton a letter to say thanks for writing this book, thanks for reminding me why I wanted to write stories too. Maybe we could get a brew together one day and I could dog-sit her pug for her.

But first I'm going to take this newfound writing energy and put it into my CV. Why pay another writer to re-write something that's about me? I'm just as good as they are and best of all, I know everything there is to know about me, so I'm already one step ahead of them all. I am a sizzling steak, thank you very much, and I won't have anyone tell me otherwise.

Posted by Sam at 12:08 PM | Permalink

Recently I've felt like I need to be writing.

No, I haven't felt the need to write, really, but more like I should be writing. I should be writing something, yes? I just finished three years of studying Creative Writing. Shouldn't I start writing something now? I don't know what exactly, but something. I should definitely have something in the works.

The truth is, I don't. I don't have some kind of urge to write. I don't know if I want to write, if I miss writing, if it's something I want to continue to do. Not that I was even really "doing it" in the first place. More like I was pretending to be a writer these past three years and now my time of playing around is over.

This past month since I've been back, I actually felt relieved that I didn't have any kind of writing project haunting me at night, luring above my bed while I slept and taking over my subconscious. I've done nothing, to be quite honest, and it felt nice. At least it did for a while. I haven't been thinking about anything in particular, nothing too serious and have been perfectly content (if not occasionally bored) right here in the townhouse.

I have been slightly stressed about getting a job. That's probably the only thing that has been weighing on my mind, however, not too heavily. I've applied for roughly fifteen jobs now and am still waiting to hear from one HR lady (c'mon Caroline, seriously!). I'm not a religious/spiritual person, but I do have hope and believe that I'll hear something soon. Every weekday that passes by, I'm sure that the telephone will ring once and on the other line it'll be a recruiter asking if I have time to come in for an interview.

But now, now with this "I'm 30 credits short from graduating" development, I'm being forced to think once again and decide what it is I want to write. Or, decide what I have to write, because I don't really want to.

When you go to counseling (or when I went to counseling, I suppose), Maria always asked me at the start of our sessions how I was feeling.

"How are you feeling today, Samantha?"

"Mmm....fine, I guess."

"Fine? Are you feeling anything else?"

That was our routine until I would eventually tell her without much argument how I was really feeling.

Tired. Frustrated. Annoyed. Happy. Stressed out.

And then she would ask me why.

How am I feeling now?

I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. These days I don't really have feelings, I just have ... a blur. It's a strange description I guess, but that's how I feel. Like a blur. Like I'm not really here. Like everything I do is useless and pointless. Sometimes I'll have a high moment when I'm speaking to someone online, and other times I'll feel quite low when I start to let my mind wander off into the darker corners of my brain. I try to keep myself from staying in the dark places too long.

But otherwise I don't feel much. I get up, I sleep, I check my regular websites, I'll drink a glass of orange juice, I'll go back to sleep. It's fairly routine and mundane. Nothing special to report on. While I'm doing all of these non-tasks, though, I wait.

I wait for something to happen, for someone to call, for something to change. Because this new non-state of being I've found myself in is slowly eating away at myself, my personality, my life. Whatever light I had to bring into a room is slowly fading and I feel like I'm turning into one of those people who exist solely in their own minds, always with a glazed look in their eyes.

I'm supposed to think of another idea to write about, another proposal for my convener. I don't know what to write about. I can't seem to think of anything "outside the box" or even inside the box for that matter. I don't have the energy, the motivation, the flicker of excitement inside of me to give them another proposal. Another one.

Goddammit, why do they need two? Can't I just give them the one? Isn't that enough? They need me to drag two out of some small crevasse inside of me?

You know what that feels like? Impossible.

I don't want to write, and yet the only way I know how to express it all is by taking to the keyboard and literally spelling it all out. I hope this feeling passes soon.

Posted by Sam at 02:13 AM | Permalink

Every day it's sunny here.

Every. Single. Day.

I can't escape it. I can try by closing the blinds and shutting the curtains, but that doesn't mean that the sunshine doesn't find a way inside. Or it doesn't mean that I can't still feel the heat in my bedroom roasting me underneath my sheets.

And because it's sunny every single day, I get annoyed that it never rains, or that it's never grey. There's no pleasing me when it comes to the weather.

Last night when I was briefly speaking to Momma before she went to sleep, I told her that it has been over a month since I've been back, and I've only gotten one stupid email from the stupid HR lady who seems to have disappeared and never responded back to me. Over a month I've been back!

She corrected me and told me that it hasn't been a month yet. I got back on the 11th of June. It'll be a month on Saturday and then I can start moaning about how it's been over a month.

It feels like it has been over a month though. It feels like I've been back three months. It feels like I'm really bored and if I don't get some kind of brain stimulation soon that requires me to leave the house every day and earn a paycheck, I might just go completely insane.

The house is different than the flat in many ways. I'm alone a lot more, sitting here trying to find ways to occupy my time. I'm pretty much broke and can't even afford to drive around in order to leave the house. It's too hot to walk anywhere (aside from the pool). Did I mention that I'm alone a lot more?

The transition from London back to Virginia has been okay. I don't want to say it was easy or effortless, because there were a couple of days when I couldn't even be bothered to leave my room to brush my teeth. I was consumed with my sadness as if it were the end of the world now and I had to figure out how to be this New Sam in my Old World. I found it hard to not be able to ring people up, walk down the corridor to the kitchen or to someone else's room and have a conversation with one of my friends. I looked out the window and instead of seeing people walking around campus, I saw trees, random animals and more suburbs.

Where was everyone?

Luckily, one of my friends from London came over to visit for about a week. It was amazing having Lizzie here in the house, if only because it was another human being I could talk to throughout the day and have someone be near. We had a nice combination of relaxing and exploring, and the nice thing was that we were both going through the same experience of transitioning from Uni Life back into Real Life. I could properly chat to her who knew everything from the past three years and it was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one feeling this way at this particular time.

It was also nice to be able to take her around my neck of the woods, and whilst everything was new to Lizzie, I was rediscovering my old life and realized that where I live doesn't suck as bad as I thought it did. True, it's no London with it's high streets, collection of foreign accents and a pub on every corner, but it does have it's own perks that I forgot I missed so much. Like, Chipotle.

Of course once Lizzie left to spend her remaining days in Washington D.C., I was bound to the house once again and left to my own devices for entertainment. I decided to start applying to jobs since Momma's "connection" at her job has still yet to respond to me after she got in contact about two weeks ago. Momma says that there's "still hope" and I should be hearing something "really soon," but I'm just so damn impatient.

I also found out this week that I'm 30 credits short from graduating. Hooray! That's what every unemployed student wants to hear. I can't even put on my CV that I have a BA yet, because I'm 30 CREDITS SHORT. I don't understand my university sometimes.

I thought that not graduating this month would be a lot harder for me to handle, but part of me already kind of knew that it was too good to be true. Something was going to happen and prevent me from getting the diploma, because that's just how my university life has been since day one. They weren't going to give it to me just like that. I'd have to suffer a little longer. It's just annoying if anything.

Because of my shortfall, I have to take an online module that is only 20 credits. My convener said she's going to try and see if The Board will waive the last ten credits, but if she can't then we'll have to find another way for me acquire the final ten. And my online assignment is another proposal that's due in by the end of November will monthly email check-ups by one of my lecturer or my convener.

This summer hasn't been peaches and cream, but it hasn't sucked entirely either I suppose. All I really want right now is a job. That's all I keep thinking about. And until then I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll even go back to the pool and sleep in the never ending sun.

Posted by Sam at 01:44 PM | Permalink

The past couple of weeks have been pretty surreal for me. It's like nothing even happened, yet I'm sitting at home with evidence that yes, it all very much did happen and I had a rockin' good time. I have three bracelets on my right wrist that I still refuse to take off, simply because they are the wrist bands that I needed to have to get me into the Dot to Dot festival that was in Bristol, my final third year summer ball and the epic final bop where a lot of ugly crying went down.

I know it's silly, but I just can't bring myself to cut them off and stow them away in one of the many memory shoe boxes underneath my bed. Not yet.

After Mel and I finally made it back home, I spent the first couple of days cleaning, unpacking, organizing and sorting things out so that I was properly all settled in. It gave me something to do and I thought that unpacking everything and meshing it all together with my other things that have patiently been waiting for me here at home would finally switch something on in my head to make me realize that I'm back for the long haul. This is not simply a summer vacation break for me. I'm here now. I'm back now. And I don't exactly have a plan of where I need/should be going.

That didn't really work and instead I was just pleased that everything wasn't in shambles anymore.

Once all the cleaning and organizing was finished, I parked myself in my room for the next couple of days and caught up on all of the latest Hills episodes. Nothing really says "move on" and is semi-relatable to people in their twenties (with millions of dollars at their disposal) quite like The Hills. I mean, Lauren is moving on, Whitney moved on to New York and Lo....well, Lo is just there to look cute and adorable.

I hate to admit this, because it is kind of embarrassing, but I did get a little teary-eyed at one of the episodes where Audrina and Lauren make up and become friends again. That was touching.

But I didn't have a full on ugly cry like I know I need to do.

Once I caught up on all of The Hills, I went over to Mendy's house that I've hardly seen since I've been away, for some birthday festivities at her new apartment with her husband (as if I have a real married friend now). She had invited loads of friends and family over to celebrate, and as happy as I was to see her and catch up, I wasn't exactly in a very group social mood. It was all a bit too much for me to handle so I decided to leave around 11 o'clock and drive back home listening to Camera Obscura in the dark driving the empty roads.

Her one song, "Country Mile," made me get a little misty-eyed but nothing else. I told myself I couldn't have the ugly cry in the car when I was tired and driving. It simply wasn't safe.

Since then I've pretty much been doing nothing. I've been catching up on a lot of sleep, yet I still wake up around six o'clock in the morning and wonder what I'm going to be doing for the next sixteen hours. I've been reading more, which is nice, and catching up on books that I never read/finished reading while I was at uni. I've gone out to run a few errands for Momma and have eaten out at a few of my favorite places.

But otherwise, not much else.

You would think that now I have the time, I'd be thinking more. I should be thinking more about reality and the future and what I should/could/need to be doing in order to take the next steps towards the next life chapter and all that crap. But I haven't really. I'm in a strange haze where I just wander around aimlessly without any kind of attachment as to what's happening around me. I daydream a lot. I fantasize about my pretend future that I know will never happen, yet I still like to roll around in my sick hallucinations. I have looked at so many pictures on facebook from the last weeks of university so many times I'm surprised Bridget hasn't blown up. And I relive my last memories of a life that I've known and have gotten used to, but now that I've left.

When I was still in London, caught up in the busy social events or sitting out on Digby lawn soaking up the rare English rays, I told myself that I wouldn't let myself feel too much of the sadness because I wanted to enjoy my last weeks to the fullest instead of sitting in a puddle of tears and snot from all of my crying. I wanted my last memories to be happy, with all of us laughing and being completely in the moment knowing that we might never get a chance to be like this ever again. Absolutely carefree without one worry in the world. There was no point in dwelling on what was coming when it was out of our control. So every time I felt tears welling up in my eyes, I immediately thought of something else and shoved it aside.

I love how we didn't really acknowledge fully the situation that was at hand. Whenever somebody left, we just treated it like we would see them in a few weeks time. I gave them all a hug and kiss on the cheek and told them I loved them as they walked out the door. I don't think it felt real to any of us. It still doesn't feel real to me.

I know eventually I'm going to need to accept the fact that I am back in Virginia and I won't be leaving anytime soon. I know in time I'm going to have to mentally leave London, rejoin reality and get back on board here so I can start doing adult things once again. Even though I've come back home, it doesn't feel as natural as it did whenever I was back at Christmas or summer. I feel like I've come back changed and everything here is the same as I left it.

But for the time being I want to sit a little while longer. Like I said, I'm not ready to cut the wrist bands off just yet.

Posted by Sam at 09:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

As of today, I only have twenty-four days left here in London. Until when? Until I don't know. I don't know when I'll be coming back, because I won't be living here anymore. I'll be back in Virginia, rocking out there and trying to set my life back up to be more routine and regular. Whatever that is.

I decided that I wanted to go back home early and skip over the whole graduation mess. What's the point in going when I couldn't really afford it, Momma wouldn't be there and I can't stand all of that hoopla shit. It gets on my nerves. Instead I wanted to rock out hard the last couple of weeks that I was here and end my university life not in a cap and gown, but rather how I started off: in a bar. My bar.

There wasn't really much point in my sticking around then, if I didn't want go to graduation. I suppose I could have hung around and did the odd jobs every so often to keep me afloat, but I didn't want to struggle until the end of July, which is probably what would have happened if I had decided to stay.

So June 10th, 2009. That's the date. That's when I'll be getting on a plane headed for Virginia and that's where I'll be staying, because university is finished. Done. Kaput. Over. No more.

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Now what am I supposed to do?

As if I'm all finished with university. As if I actually did what I said I was going to do nearly five years ago. As if all of this really happened.

It's kind of a big moment for me. I'm a little lost for words. I'm a lot dumbstruck. And I'm not entirely sure what's next for me.

So far the only plan I have is to go back home, get a job and start paying off these scary student loans I've managed to rack up. I kind of already have a job waiting for me. Momma managed to hook me up with another admin position at the new place she's working at. Yeah, back to the admin scene, doing the admin thing. That will just be temporary, though, until I can figure out what I really want to do, and where I really want to be.

Since leaving the Corporate World, I've seen what else I can do in life. I am perfectly capable of making a real life for myself doing what I love: writing. I didn't get this degree for the hell of it. I do plan to use it in the future and see where it eventually takes me. I definitely do not want to be someone's little admin bitch until I die. I'll find something - a magazine, newspaper, publishing house - and I'll apply to work there and be their bitch until I can work my way up to where I want to be. I could continue to work on the novel I started here a couple of months ago (I definitely want to work on that, but it has been put on a big PAUSE until I can sort my brain out and tackle that beast). I could work for an online magazine or be a freelance writer picking up odd jobs wherever I find them.

Whatever I want to do, I can do it. Because if I can manage to get myself over to London for three years, then I can sure as hell do whatever else I want. And nobody will stop me.

But those are thoughts and ideas I've barely even given much thought to because it makes my head feel like it'll explode all over the white walls of my room here at uni. I'll give them all much serious thought after I've gone home, cried for two weeks and allowed myself to wallow in the fact that I left my life here in London and must start again in Virginia. Because that's what it feels like.

All of my friends are here. My stuff is here that I've been accumulating over three years. My buses are here. My favorite foods and restaurants are here. My stores/markets/shops are here. My life is here. My heart is here. I know London and I haven't always seen eye to eye on some things, but I do love it. And I'm going to miss it and everything that it will be holding for me while I'm away. I'm trying to be an adult about the whole situation and realize that I do need to go back home, if only for a little bit so I can sort myself out. I'm a mess in London at the moment and I need a seriously long break out of the city to clear my head, adjust my perspective and get out of this student mindset. But it's hard to be an adult and accept the fact that I won't be here for a while. Instead I revert back to the only way I know how to deal with things and cry like a fool after one too many alcoholic beverages. I know it leads me nowhere in the end, but that temporary numbness sure is nice to help me forget the reality that will be smacking me in the face soon.

I'll deal with the loss after I get back home. I'll sort myself out and then think of a new way to come back over here and live. Because while I know I need a break right now, and even though it's one of the most painful things I've done, I also know I'm not finished with London. And London isn't finished with me yet either. My love/hate relationship with this city has only just begun and one way or another, I'll be back more refreshed and ready to take it all on again.

Posted by Sam at 10:14 AM | Permalink

There are two things in this world that I am religiously obsessed with: music and tanning. Sometimes when it's nice out (actually, especially when it's nice out) I like to listen to my music while I tan. I know. It's crazy!

London is waking up, the sun is shining and where am I?

Stuck inside doing the last bit of my uni work. That's where I am. Or here, typing up this post avoiding uni work.

All of it will be handed in by the end of next Thursday. Then I'll officially have no more work and can spend as much time outside that I want laying in the sun, soaking up the rays and proving everyone wrong who thinks I can't tan underneath the English sun. I've done it before! I'll do it again!

But, ugh....this whole Sitting Inside business when my window is open, the curtain is pulled back and there's a pool of sunshine warming me up, is so damn distracting! Especially when I know I could be outside right now feeling that slight tingle on my skin. That's what I want. That's what I need. It's what I'm craving right now.

Sometimes I'm bad and lay outside anyway making myself think that I'm going to hand write all of my work and then type it up later. Ha! What a load of bollocks. As if I'm really going to be focused when my eyes are closed and I'm on the verge of falling asleep on the lawn. I DON'T THINK SO. Or when I decide to go out for lunch with some of the babies and Helen (like I did yesterday).

I CAN'T STAND THIS TORTURE.

I am a sun-loving, beach babe at heart and all I want to do is walk around in a summer dress, sip on a pint of Pimm's (hello Pimm's o'clock!), fire up the grill and live outside until it's time to come inside and look at everyone's funny tan lines. I don't want to plan chapter three. I don't want to write two essays. I don't want to do a fictional vlog on dating. Someone else do it for me!

In other non-weather related news, I unfortunately didn't get the job at the music college that would have been SO PERFECT for me. Tabitha rang me up yesterday afternoon as I began the digesting process of a massive burger from GBK, and told me that they "went in a different direction" for someone who was "more qualified".

Blah, whatever. I'm sure another job will come rolling around soon and I'll do just as fine at that. I suppose until I do hear from her I can spend my days out on the lawn. You know, after I do my stupid work. And Chris said that I could always go back to working at the shop if I'm really desperate, which I do believe I'm on the verge of.

Oh, what am I even doing on here?! I need to be planning out my work and essays!

Posted by Sam at 07:27 AM | Permalink

Can someone please tell me why those random homeless people (well, I don't know if they're really homeless) that stand on the high street sidewalks selling those obscure magazines that nobody's ever heard of, always have a rottweiler dog tied up next to them?

I was just wondering that while I was out today.

This has been a successful Thursday, which is nice considering I had a lovely Wednesday yesterday. I don't know if y'all already know this or not, but Wednesday is my favorite day of the week. Really. I love Wednesdays. All good things generally happen for me on Wednesdays and yesterday was no exception to the rule.

It was Jon's 21st birthday and I was going to see Helen for the first time since....well....she was last in London for a visit (Christmas?). Our plans were to go into Kingston, eat an amazing jacket potato from Spuds, then drink. What could be more fun than that?

Nothing is more fun than that, I'll tell you now.

For the past three years I've noticed something about the Easter holiday break. It is always around this time that London transforms and becomes even more lush, green and lovely. Now some people may call this time of year "spring" but whatever. I notice the transformation every single time and am amazed every single time when the trees become full once again with leaves and baby birds. Our clocks rotate forward one hour allowing the sun to stick with us for a little longer while we linger down by the river with fresh fruit in our pints of Pimm's in plastic cups.

(Is it just me or does the above sentence have a lot of alliteration?)

Wednesday, my favorite day of the week, was a nice reminder of what I love most about being here. Jon, Trish and myself met Helen in front of Primark at three o'clock and I think overwhelmed her with our enormous presence. I don't think she was expecting such a welcoming in Kingston, but alas! There we all were sharing hugs, poking boobs (as Helen likes to do to greet her friends) and immediately kicking off the banter that our group has. We ate, we made dirty jokes, we laughed and we all caught each other up with the latest gossip that has been happening in our lives. And boy, was there gossip (which I'm obviously not at liberty to discuss since I've been sworn to secrecy. Just know that blood was involved).

After we filled our bellies with the best jacket potatoes in town, we headed straight to the Slug 'n' Lettuce to get cracking on with the drinkin'. You can't celebrate someone's 21st birthday without involving drinks. Helen and I bought our Pimm's while Trish opted for her usual lager and Jon stayed sweet with a mojito. We sat at one of the tables outside in the sunshine and talked about the past, present and future and laughed about what was, what is and what will inevitably be. That was us, four friends having a laugh.

And goddamn did I laugh.

We decided to get a bottle of white wine and rosé as well, and while we were quickly draining those two bottles I received a call from my favorite recruiter, Tabitha. She asked me (as she always does) if I was free to work, which I told her I was, and she then continued to tell me about a position that has become available working at a music college earning £9 an hour (!). I would have an interview on Monday at eleven o'clock in the morning and if I was successful (cross fingers!) then I could start the following week. It is a three month contract and I'd just be doing regular administrative assistance things that I always do.

I spoke to Tabitha briefly, hung up the phone and took another sip of wine. Nothing could really get better.

Except of course stopping into a shoe store drunk, before getting on the bus so that Jon could buy a new pair of trainers. And dancing to the shop music. And singing along.

That was definitely icing on the birthday cake.

It was a brilliant Wednesday and made me a little nostalgic to go back in time, if only for a little while, and relive the happy moments, the funny moments, the time we all spent together in the sunshine. I remembered our skin glowing as the sun would set, laying comfortably out on the lawn with our arms over our faces to shield our eyes from the English rays. We consumed mass amounts of Pimm's, Magners and beer while listening to songs that would shape our memories and remind us later of a time when things weren't dramatic and stressful, but more carefree and loving.

I only realized yesterday (after I sobered up a little bit) that this would be the last time for me to live so carefree. At least for a while. I realized that now I'm on a countdown until my time's up and I head back home. I was a little sad but I know it'll be fine. I'll always have the vivid colors in my mind of the green leaves, the thick grass, the vibrant flowers, the glossy stones. I'll still be able to smell the disposable barbecue grills dying down, the second hand smoke from people's rollies, the thick air in the city and the undefinable smell of Lee House that you only know about if you've ever lived in Lee House. I'll still have the streets I walked down, the places I danced at, the people I cuddled with and all of the million other memories I've created here with me. All of that I'll be taking back. And I know for a fact there aren't enough suitcases in the world to hold all of my London memories.

So here's to many more Wednesdays.

Posted by Sam at 11:07 AM | Permalink

*Before I begin my post gushing over my beautiful children that I love and adore more than anything in the whole world, I must first make an announcement about Elisa's new website that she started called Save the Writers. It's a brilliant idea that she has come up with for all of the freelance writers out there who have been laid off in the economic crisis. Times are hard for everyone, but the publishing industry is one of the businesses that has been hit the hardest. So if you want to pop over, pay her a visit and leave a lovely little comment, I know it'd be greatly appreciated. And who knows, maybe even yours truly might even put her own two cents in eventually. You know, once I'm finished writing all of the other stuff I have piled up on the right side of me.*

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I do believe it was one of my last sessions with Maria that I brought up my wee freshers, my darling children, my kids that aren't from my body but that I claim as my own anyway. For this particular fifty minute session, we would discuss the dynamics of our group, why it was formed the way it was and what I got out of it personally. What did I gain by calling Emma, Livvi, Katie and Gerry my kids? And why did I want this kind of set up from the very beginning?

It was a nice little discovery that I made and it turns out I'm not such a Kid Hater after all. I just don't like kids that I don't know. If I were to ever have children, or if any of my friends were to have children (hey, we're getting up there now when it's almost that time) I'd be head over heels! Just keep those stranger's kids away from me, otherwise I might push them on the ground and blame it on the big dog that's nowhere to be found.

What discovery I made, however, was that I am a Family Girl. I love the dynamics of Home Life, of being a close knit group and forming those kinds of bonds that last for all eternity. I'm not simply one for getting to know a person and then forgetting all about them ten minutes later. What's the point in that? If I'm going to tell you information about me, then prepare to know me for a LONG TIME. We're going to be best friends whether you like it or not. And we're going to bond a lot. We're supposed to share things with each other, have snuggles, cuddles, make dinners together, work together, play together, laugh together, cry together, do everything together.

I love that shit, so feel free to call me out whenever I say that it's lame.

My Home Life has always been Momma and Mel. It has been the three of us for as long as I can remember. No father. No other Outside Man Influence. Nobody else except for us three ladies ruling our own lives.

When I moved over here, I obviously broke the Home Life dynamic of our tripod. At least Momma and Mel had each other, though, because three thousand miles away I was struggling to cope on my own without my other two halves, without my two best friends. Even though we each clearly had our own roles, we were all equals and I missed having Momma and Mel around.

Enter my darling freshers. This was my chance to recreate that Home Life that I had been missing ever since I left. I was going to have my babies and I'd be the momma and we'd all make dinner together every night, and they'd all pile on my bed to have long and in-depth conversations for hours and it'd be just like home.

Obviously I never consciously thought this out (god, talk about creepy), but I did want our flat to feel as homey as possible, like in my first year. I wanted everyone to get along, to be happy and to have the greatest flat on campus, because I know how hard first year can be and feeling like you're coming home to family makes that giant leap a little bit easier.

Livvi and Katie, my blond babies, my little darlings that I cherish and want to squeeze so hard until their little heads pop off are the two that happened to recreate that tripod for me here, just as I have back home. I am the momma, and they are my two children, yet we are all equal. I do everything with them, share everything with them, talk to them for ages and tell them what they need to do if they ever get sick, or need advice on anything. And in return I have gained so much from knowing them both that I'm surprised whenever I learn something new.

The two of them have taught me to be so much more kind. I know it sounds weird, but I've never met two people who are so ridiculously sweet. I didn't think it was possible! And Katie, my little Boobah, is quite possibly the cutest person on the planet. I could never get angry at her. They've also taught me how to be patient, how to have self-discipline and to not let my emotions cloud my judgement and get in the way of what is truly important. They've taught me that random cuddles throughout the day is perfectly normal and in some cases, needed. They are an amazing support system, and I don't know what I would have done if I had never met them.

Then there's Emma and Gerry, who are so independent it baffles my mind. They don't necessarily need or even want me to mother them, but I look after them anyway whether they like it or not. Before Gerry left to go back home (we miss you Ger-Bear!) these two were the fairly odd couple. Emma is a born again Christian that knows everything there is to know about anything (seriously, I dare you to test her), and Gerry is the evil gay that will shank a bitch and call them a fucking retard to their face. Yes, the combination is odd, but the two of them get along like a house on fire and it was a sad day when our little token gay boy decided to peace out after Christmas to go back home.

The two of them have taught me how to stand up on my own two feet, even when I've already been standing for two days straight and want nothing more than to collapse on the ground. They've taught me how to navigate through the vintage shops in Brick Lane, how to bake a cake from scratch, how to be more open-minded to people that I once thought were legal nutters and how to keep going even when all the odds are stacked against me. They are both firm believers in tough love and showing no mercy, so I find that they're an awesome balance after Livvi and Katie.

So yeah, I lucked out when it came to getting freshers this year. My girls and gay are more than I could have ever wished for in freshers, and have taught me valuable lessons throughout my final year that I know I'll keep with me long after I leave this place behind. And who cares if it's not the most ideal way to set up a group? It works for us and we're all happy. They've made me realize so much that I never knew I even wanted and have kept me grounded and stable this whole year. I just hope that I've been able to teach them as much in return as they've taught me.

Posted by Sam at 04:24 PM | Permalink

Everyone can feel the end drawing near in the pit of their stomachs. It makes me sit up a little straighter, it makes my senses a little sharper and I wait on edge for the grand finale. Soon, all of this will be over. Soon, I won't have to worry about what this lecturer said about my essay, or what that lecturer thinks about my ideas for my final project. Soon, I'll go back to the way things were in Virginia and soon my life here in London will only be a story that I'll tell to people who've wondered where I've been for the past three years.

Soon.

But not yet.

At the current moment I'm mustering up enough energy to get me through the next couple of weeks, which I will inevitably be sat at Bridget clicking and clacking away at essays, proposals, chapters and character checklists. Finally I do believe I'm ready to start hacking away at the words that have been on constant repeat inside of my head for the past two months. Hopefully they'll be coherent enough for me to pass my final year and leave me feeling like I at least accomplished something semi-respectable while I've been here frittering time away as if I have nothing else better to do. It's a slow and tedious process, like squeezing jam out of those "simply made easy!" bottles, but I'm sure I'll get there in the end.

These days I'm more at ease with myself yet I don't think that I've fully realized that yep, I'm almost done with university. I try not to look more than three days ahead into the future, because looking any farther would surely make me sink back down into my self-loathing cave to never return. I'm looking forward to being done with all of this university nonsense, however, I'm sort of left standing with a dumb look on my face as to what I'm supposed to do after I'm finished.

I know I want to go home. I so desperately want to go back to Virginia. Whenever folks ask me here about my plans after university, for some reason I always say that I'm looking for internships, work placements (which I am looking and applying) and I wouldn't mind staying here for a while after the Student Life. I don't know why I tell them that, though. It's as if that answer is pre-recorded in my brain and the moment any variations of the question is asked, I spit out that automated response. And I don't really mean it.

Mostly I think it's just because that's what I say for conversational purposes, or maybe I think that's what people want to hear from me. And I don't want to tell them that I'm dying to go back home to my mother and my sister. Why leave the glamorous life of London to go back to the country life in Virginia?

Because deep down, y'all, I am a country girl. And the saying is so true: you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl.

I left my "simple life" that I thought was boring and dull, to move over three-thousand miles away to a city that I love, yet taught me that I'm not cut out for all of this. My relationship with London has slowly grown to the point where all of the things that I once loved, now really get on my nerves and drive me up the wall. The sirens, the masses of people, the cluttered buildings, the noise, the different "scenes", the traffic, the constant moving, the drinking, the pounding, the smoke, the dramas, the heartache, the struggling, the Everything. I just can't do it anymore. I'm not built to constantly be on the go. I'm not a Modern City Woman. I can only wear high heels for so long before I'm slipping into my flat shoes so I can walk without contorting my body into some kind of weird pretzel figure.

And I think part of me finds it difficult to accept that fact. Maybe I'm not a city girl. Maybe I belong back in the quiet space of the townhouse wearing American Eagle jeans, flip flops and a t-shirt. I'm a simple gal. I enjoy sweet tea at any time of day. Give me a front porch with a rocking chair and stray cats at my feet any day of the week and I am happy.

Oh, but how I so desperately wanted to live out my fantasy as the Modern City Woman. I wanted to wear the high-waisted skirts, the crisp, fitted blouses and black stilettos that would cause a crowd to separate and recognize that I was a force to be reckoned with. That would've been awesome. It would've been hot. It is what I thought I could be here in one of the greatest cities in the world.

There are so many reasons why I fit and mould into The City Life. There are fantastic things about being in a city that I love, appreciate and am enamored by. They are beautiful, historical and a perfect battle ground for people to show what they're really made of in today's society. But the reasons why I fit aren't good enough for me to stay. At least not right now.

I miss the drawl of a deep southern accent. I miss the cowboys. I miss the sticky air, the vast openness, the symphony of crickets and June bugs, the sunsets behind the townhouse, the mountains in the horizon, the dust that my feet kick up, the funny tan lines, the hot rain and the fact that it takes me at least forty minutes to drive to the nearest city (hello DC!).

I miss home.

I am torn and a strange hybrid of City mixed with Country. I can't seem to find the right balance between both lives, or I can't seem to choose which one I'd like to stick with for more than three years. I'm sure after I take a break from the City Life I'll be dying to come back. I am such a fickle creature and wish I could hurry up and make up my mind. All I know is that right now my heart is dying for some fried green tomatoes, a tall glass of cold lemonade and some folk music playing in the background.

Posted by Sam at 02:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Something unusual happened that caused me to disappear for the past two weeks. Something that I'm generally not used to and had to step back, recognize and deal with.

I was in a genuinely good mood.

Scratch that.

I was in a genuinely FANTASTIC mood.

Oh my god, I was over the moon, slap my knee, jump up and kiss my uncle thoroughly happy. And I soaked every last drop of it in as if I were a cactus in the desert during a monsoon thunderstorm. I tell y'all, it has been a while since I was so happy.

Now, I'm still quite happy. My mood hasn't dropped significantly nor has it continued to sky rocket, but it is a nice, stable happiness that makes me swell up like a balloon and float off into the clear blue skies that London has been blessed with for the past week or so.

Perhaps it's the lovely weather that has been stretched over the city. Perhaps it's the fact that I had a big breakthrough in one of my counseling sessions that made me more aware of what has been weighing me down. Or perhaps it's the fact that two of my deadlines have been pushed back giving me enough time to breathe and not stress anywhere near as much as I was stressing beforehand about all of my work.

I would have to say that it's a combination of all three.

Y'all, this is the last "official" week of my university life. After this week, I no longer have any lectures to attend. Yes, I still have work that I need to do and turn in after Easter, but once this week is through, university is kind of over for me. No more lectures. No more in-class assignments. No more homework. No more tutorials (unless we ask for them personally). No more. I'll be done. Finished. Kaput.

And I have never been happier in my life!

I did discover, though, why I was having such a difficult time writing before. While I do have some "mother issues" and some "fear with failure" issues, the main issue was that I was in mourning. I was grieving the loss of my university life that I never had.

Continue reading ""Red squirrel in the morning, red squirrel in the evening, red squirrel in the morning, I'm coming to take you home"" »

Posted by Sam at 07:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Thursdays it seems will probably be heavy emotional days for me. Well, at least for the next five weeks anyway. I went to go for my latest counseling session and even though my new counselor, Maria, isn't as good as Fran was (in my humble opinion), it still did help quite a bit and gave me some new things to think about. Or perhaps, not-so-new things to think about, because we all know that I have "mother issues". I don't think that these "issues" are necessarily bad, but they do tend to hold me back from time to time. Which, I suppose to some people would be bad. I just think that it prolongs what I'm going to do in the end and I tend to think about things a lot longer than most people.

It's not a secret that I've been finding it hard to do my uni work for the past couple of months. I've felt no motivation whatsoever to take up a pen, or rest my fingertips at the keyboard and begin typing away. There's nothing there folks. It's just me staring off into space for three days, then going out somewhere to distract my thoughts from the fact that I have still yet to write anything. I suppose you could call it writer's block, but it's not the fact that I don't know what to write about. Because I know what I have to write. I know how I want to write it. I've done all the necessary reading, made all of the necessary notes and everything is planned out. All that's left for me to do is to actually write it all out.

Write.

Write it all.

After my first session with Maria, I discovered (through all of my incessant talking) that I have this massive fear. This giant, mountainous fear of failing. Not failing myself, because that I could handle and deal with. No, no. Failing my mother.

Momma. I cannot bear failing that woman anymore. All of my life has been one giant failure after the other (at least in my eyes). Even though I know she's proud of me and I know that she loves bragging and gushing to all of her coworkers, there's this tiny part inside of me that never wants to fail her. I only want to make her happy. I only want her to be proud of me. There's nothing more in this world that I want than to please my mother. And in my mind, if I ever were to fail her, especially fail at university, it would be the worst thing in the entire world. There's no such thing as failing in my mind. Failure is not an option. There's only planning every last minute detail, then executing all of the plans perfectly and finally living happily ever after.

My only problem is that I can't execute everything that I've been planning for weeks.

Maria told me that I need to spend some time alone for a while. I need to stop distracting myself and Just Do It. And through the next five sessions (our university says that after six sessions they'll decided whether or not we need further counseling or not) we'll explore the reasons behind why my brain clogs up like a rusted sink and fails me when it comes to important things like my final university projects.

Maria also told me that I need to take notice of when I do distract myself; what do I do? Do I go into the kitchen? Do I surround myself with the babies? Do I listen to music and get lost in my thoughts for hours upon hours?

Yes, yes and yes.

We'll also talk about that in my next Thursday appointment.

After my allotted fifty minutes, I called Trish up and smoked a cigarette.

I know! I know! But y'all would have needed a cigarette afterwards too. I was on the verge of tears (because I'm emotional cry baby) and it's hard to talk about Momma the way I was talking about her behind closed doors. My throat went really dry, I was avoiding all eye contact (the floor is an amazing space) and being as open and honest as possible with somebody who would gladly sit in silence once I stopped talking. Sitting in silence isn't fun. It's uncomfortable.

That cigarette was good. Damn, it was good.

Then for the next two days I decided to get out of the flat and wander around different shops by myself. I went into Kingston on Friday, and on Saturday I popped into Hammersmith. Both days were equally fulfilling and definitely helpful to clearing out my mental space. I just walked around with my iPod, combed through random dresses and thought about everything that I said whilst the sun was blinding me in Maria's office.

I am scared. I am so terrified about these next couple of weeks coming up that I can hardly stand it. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of doing all of my assignments wrong. I'm scared that I might have to spend an extra semester here making up for not having enough credits to graduate. Most of all I'm scared that if I do fail, I'll have to tell Momma and deal with her wrath. I know how expensive it is to live over here. I know how much money she has put forth for me to live and study over here. I know what she has done and given up for me.

And I know that if I fail, it'll be another disappointment from me.

So there it is.

I now know, though, after talking to myself in Maria's office and thinking to myself on Friday and Saturday that me sitting around and staring at a blank wall waiting for some kind of fairy to come in my room and bop me on my head with their magical Motivation Wand isn't going to happen. I gotta do this. I just need to suck it up, knuckle down and squeeze every last possible word out of my fingertips if it kills me. And at the end of the day, whether I fail or not doesn't matter. Because the next day will arrive just as the previous one did before; the world will still keep turning. Somehow, I'll manage to keep going forward just like I always do.

Posted by Sam at 12:16 PM | Permalink

Wednesday. My favorite day of the week. Hump day. Middle of the week. Halfway there. Almost Friday.

Almost to the end.

For some reason I've been feeling "meh" recently. Not bad. Not good. Not overly anything. Just....blah, I suppose. Blah is probably the best description I can give it, if I bothered trying. I'm just kind of here, with not much to do, inside, looking out my window at the same grey, desolate days.

Wow, desolate. That doesn't sound good. But desolate it is.

I know for a fact that I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be like last year. I can still get out of bed, brush my teeth and hair and smile for the most part whenever I go into the kitchen and see my babies. I don't mentally beat myself up saying that I'm a lame-ass that never does anything except mope in my room. I still go to my lectures. I'm working on my work (even though I have to grit my teeth and plow through it). Generally my Things Around The Flat stay clean and tidy. My room doesn't look like a homeless shelter. At first glance, it would seem that I'm fine.

But goddamn if I don't feel something in my throat starting to form. A lump that has a familiar feeling, something that I could start choking on if I don't spit it out now. I know the drill. I know what has to be done. I know where it's leading.

A couple of weeks before I left for the Christmas holidays, I wasn't feeling too great. I knew that I was down and that I should see someone, but I just put it off because I thought that everything would be fine once I got back home. Everything is always better when I go back home. And it was. Life was hunky dory.

Then I came back, and not even a week later I had that furious meltdown where I just sobbed and cried until I thought that my face would be permanently swollen and purple. True, the weep-a-thon did relieve some of what I was carrying round inside, but ever since then I've just been wandering around with this unsettling feeling inside of me and I can't seem to shake it.

I spoke to Helen about it (because Helen is always the person I speak to when it comes to...well....anything), and she said that maybe I should consider popping down to pay Fran a visit. Yes, I had been thinking the same thing for a while now, but gah, it's just that first phone call that's always a pisser for me. It seemed to be such a difficult task, because even though I know that speaking to Fran has helped in the past, I thought maybe I could just battle through this on my own without anybody sitting across from me with a notepad and pen asking questions. So I kept putting it off for a couple more weeks while the lump in my throat continued to grow and I found it more difficult to breathe.

About two weeks ago I found myself down at the medical centre for non-counseling related things, but decided since I was down there, I might as well ask about the uni's counseling centre and if it would be okay for me to pop round the corner and see if I could book a quick appointment with Fran. That is when I was told some terrible news that Fran was no longer there! In fact, the bloody counseling centre wasn't even there! They had to change some things and now I needed to start over from the beginning and be referred by our university's doctor.

Ugh. Effort.

But I did it anyway.

Now I'm going in for my first session next Thursday to meet with my new counselor, Maria. For some reason I'm more nervous this time around, because I'm not ridiculously depressed like last year, but I can feel myself on a familiar path. And last year I knew that the main reason why I was so down was because my finances were in a horrible state and I didn't know how to deal with it. Yes, there were some other underlying issues that I didn't even know about, but mostly the reason why I was so torn up was pretty blatant. This time, however, I'm going in because...what? Life is too hard? I can't hack it? Maybe I just like to hear myself talk about how blah my life is?

Part of me kind of knows that I'm just really stressed out about work. Another part of me isn't sure if it's just the work or if there's a hidden iceberg lurking in the back of my subconscious waiting for me to crash into it. Either way, I'm hoping that me going back into my counseling sessions will help shine a light on whatever is nagging at the back of my brain so I'm not just wandering around aimlessly in the dark.

Posted by Sam at 11:54 AM | Permalink

This Sunday I've spent the majority of my time in bed reading the GINORMOUS newspaper I bought yesterday for a pound, or reading one of the four girly books I bought on offer at Waterstones. Yesterday was a beautiful day, one that I haven't seen in London for a while now, and I spent my entire Saturday out in Central with my Ger-Bear who came up for a one night visit. We literally walked all over London and it was so nice out that I didn't even bring a jacket with me. Of course I'm not going to babble on about my day just yet. I'll vlog about it later over yonder, you know, once I've showered and don't look like a greasy cat. I have pictures to include and I just think it's bitchin', because I hardly ever (well, never) take pictures when I go out. And I want to share them with the Internet.

What I do want to talk about is how ass backwards and fucked up my life is. Oh, Universe! You are SO. FUNNY. Only not funny in the slightest. Why? Because that one night stand that I thought I'd never see or hear from ever again turned out to be a little too interested in me for my liking. Yes. The overly eager 19-year-old (!) army surveyor would not. stop. ringing. me. He would also not. stop. texting. me. The texting! Jesus, the texting! All he would do is send me a text, then ring three times, then text again asking if I was ignoring him, and how come I wasn't answering, and again, why don't I answer my phone?

Um, I don't know buddy. Maybe because we only slept with each other ONE TIME, and you being super duper clingy and all kind of suffocating is really off-putting for a chick that has severe mental issues when it comes to men.

It's really ironic, though, isn't it? How I've been going on about how I'd really like to "find someone" and how I'm "ready" and all that nonsense. Then here comes along this 6'2" dude that is ALL ABOUT relationships and whatnot and immediately I'm like, whoa! Hold your horses mister! I'm not ready for all of that. Especially considering the fact that I've only know him for a nanosecond.

Bless him. A couple of weeks ago he sent me a text asking if he could come for a visit and hang out. I was slightly confused because a.) guys don't do that, and b.) what were his ulterior motives? Because guys obviously have ulterior motives all the time, no matter what, according to the Psycho Side of my brain.

So I agreed (even though something inside of me felt really off about it all). I said, sure, yeah, why not. Come back for a visit. We'll have a good time, a good shag and whatevs. Nothing weird about that. Let's just keep it casual, nothing too fancy.

I suppose agreeing to let him come for a visit, though, was also an invitation for him to CALL and TEXT me NON-STOP. I was out at my friend, Ryan's gig, and after I told him that I was out with some friends at a gig, he STILL KEPT CALLING AND TEXTING letting me know that he was bored, watching 300 and "what were we going to do over the weekend?"

Well, not much at this rate. That was my first red flag that something wasn't right. I don't like the phone in general (horrible invention; I really only use it for the time), so to have it constantly going off while I was out and about was really annoying. I don't like to be annoyed. I like for people to get the hint that I'm out doing things with my friends and I don't want to be rude and unsociable by texting back a response that only says, "Lol!" It's retarded.

When it was the end of the week and time for him to arrive, I had barely made an effort, I wasn't wearing any make-up and I couldn't even be bothered to tidy my room. He got to my uni two hours earlier than I was anticipating anyway, and I actually cringed when the phone started ringing. Now I had to entertain another human being for an entire weekend? Seriously? I was not in the mood for that.

He didn't stay the whole weekend though, thank goodness. He only stayed for one night because I was flat-out exhausted from already going out three nights in a row. I think I was running on a total of ten hours of sleep and I didn't want to sit and talk about what he does in the army, or what his friends do in the army, or what his plans were while he was in the army. He just yabbered on and on and I caught myself drifting into my own thoughts while we ate our dinner at Wagamamas. This wasn't right. He was lovely, but we didn't click. We didn't mesh. We didn't gel. It just wasn't there.

After he left, I was really confused. I was also really tired, but mostly confused. What was wrong with me? How come I couldn't get on with this guy who was, yes, a little brash, but still nice enough all the same? He was really nice, and lovely. But he was also just not my type. It would seem that our personalities were not a good mix and I knew it when he told me that he liked Nickelback.

I'd have to disagree with that. I'd also have to disagree that their "latest album really rocks." It does not rock. Nickelback sucks.

So I hoped that he wouldn't ever call me or text me ever again. I also pushed it out of my mind that I was some crazy woman that freaks out every time a guy tells her he's interested in more than "just sex." Sure, Aidan said he wanted to "get to know me" but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to get to know him. So I marked it down as a strange incident and that I would wait until I found someone that I did click with immediately and who didn't constantly talk about themselves whilst bragging about how awesome and amazing they are at their job.

That is until he sent me a text again, just like clockwork, this past Thursday, asking if I wanted to go out again. His plan this time was to get a hotel in Central. We'd spend the day roaming the city and spend the night "shagging our brains out" (his words, not mine. Ew). His other text was just plain minging, to be quite honest, and I didn't even dignify it with a response.

Then yesterday, he started again with the ringing and the texting and the Bothering Me While I'm Out Having Fun. It was approximately half eleven when I told Trish, "this is crazy. I'm not even DATING HIM."

I decided right then and there to cut off all ties. This couldn't go on. This was driving me INSANE. I felt like it was a complete role reversal, but damn, I don't think even I would have jumped all over a person I was interested in like he did. He was like a terrier with ADD and needed to be put on Ritalin immediately.

Trish wrote out a text for me the first time, but it was too long-winded and I just wanted to say something that he couldn't even respond to. So I asked Ryan and he told me to tell him I was seeing someone else, that it was complicated and that we had a history. I opted for a little white lie, but now that I think about it, I kind of wish I just told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore. I wish I would have just said, "heya, no, I'm not ignoring you, but I don't think I'm ready for all this. I'll give you a call sometime." Even though I'd never call. Ever. It seems a bit more truthful, and I would want to be treated the same if it were me.

Either way, it's done. I don't think this whole situation has helped me any with opening up to men and learning how to trust, but it has definitely shown me the opposite end of the fence when it comes to commitment. I guess I'll have to reiterate my request to the universe:

Yes, I would like to find someone, and yes, I am ready to be in a relationship. BUT WITH SOMEONE WHO IS SANE AND KNOWS WHEN TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

Thanks.

Posted by Sam at 03:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I slept all day today. ALL. DAY. I woke up because my phone was ringing, listened to a woman yabber on about how my university sucks, went back to bed, woke up sometime around 3p.m., had a shower and after I made some food, I fell back asleep around 6p.m. and woke up around half 8 when I decided that it was probably best for me to finally get out of bed and be semi-social. (Wow, that was a LONG sentence)

I figured since I've been such a lazy shit all day, I should probably update my blog. Because THAT will make me feel less guilty, obviously.

Ugh, it was just such a non day. I hate those days where you feel more compelled to exist in bed and ignore the door whenever someone stops by and knocks. I felt a lot happier laying in my room that is piling up with dirty clothes, extreme dust bunnies and dirty sheets. I hate dirty sheets, and yet today, I stayed wrapped up in them with my face buried in my pillows. I didn't open my curtains. I didn't answer my phone (after it woke me up with bad news at half 9 in the morning). I just stayed in the same fetal position all day listening to the new Franz Ferdinand album* on constant repeat.

That's all I did.

Sometimes you need those days, though, in order to prepare yourself for the hellish days that are about to come hurtling forward for the rest of the week. Like tomorrow for instance, I have to go to the medical centre to see one of the doctors just so I can be referred to our counseling service. It seems like our university counseling centre no longer exists and we have to go to different channels to see someone so we can sob about our unimportant day-to-day problems. Hopefully Fran is still there, because I'm really not in the mood to whinge to someone new.

I'm also going to be having lunch with my friend, Dave, that I haven't properly caught up with in ages, I'll be sending in my yearly chlamydia test sample (always good to get your check ups!) and then meeting up with Trish so that we can get our heads around our Business of Writing project. I also have to go and pay our university finance department a visit AGAIN, because they are awesome retarded. Along with all of that fun stuff, I have laundry to do and I need to clean my room in general because it's disgusting, yet again. It's ridiculous how dirty our rooms seem to accumulate filth. Or maybe it's just me being fussy and seriously OCD. Speaking of that, I can't even think about the state of our refrigerator right now. It upsets me too much.

It's just all of those little things that pile up that slowly seem to grab hold of your ankles and begin to drag you down. And it seems like it's all I can really focus on at the moment, which leaves my writing on the very back burner and it suffers. I suppose if I were to look at the upside (there's an upside?!) I could be proud of the fact that this whole term I've only missed one lecture. For me, the girl that used to never show up, is a pretty damn good improvement. And I do have a much better grasp on what's going on with my course. So yeah, there's a semi upside.

I don't even think there is a point to this post. It's just me saying hey, what's up? I plan on drinking an entire bottle of wine to myself on Saturday and watching nothing but chick flicks in my pajamas. And not thinking about the most unimportant thing that has unfortunately started worming it's way into my brain: boys.

What about you?

* This Franz album is definitely different, but it's nice to have some new tuneage. I think I like it. A lot.

Posted by Sam at 01:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Yesterday London looked liked I had never seen it before: covered in about six inches of snow. Uni closed down for the day (today as well!) and as far as I could tell, the city shut down. None of the buses were running, the trains had severe delays and a good majority of the shops were closed. For those twenty-four hours, London was silent except for the squeals of people playing in the snow in the distance.

Our flat decided to stay inside for the whole day and not bother with the giant snowball fight that happened behind our house. I made stew, we drank many cups of tea and stayed bundled underneath three layers of clothing and blankets because our heating isn't working in our building. Bastards.

All day the snow silently fell and Emma and myself decided we'd be brave little ducklings and walk to the other side of Lee House to do our laundry. My room was filthy and so cringing that I couldn't even bear to leave my door shut; I felt a lot better knowing that I was keeping the air circulating in there.

On the second outing of our trip to go and put our washing in the dryers, I bumped into my good friend, Ryan that I've mentioned here before. He was down at uni for a little visit and was looking for a space to rehearse for the gig that he's playing tonight in Brick Lane. He asked me if him and his two fellow band-mates could practice in our kitchen, and I said of course! That would be fine with me. It was only Sara and Jess in there and they weren't doing anything except watching re-run Sex and the City episodes. I handed him my key card and told him to just tell Sara and Jess that I sent them up so the girls didn't worry about the random musicians that were coming in and taking over a corner of the kitchen space.

The guys played their entire set and halfway through I decided to go and get Livvi, because I knew that it'd be a special treat for her. She has had a bit of a crush on Ryan (then again, who doesn't have a crush on Ryan?) and I knew that she'd love to see him play up close and personal. It wasn't long until our kitchen was transformed into a mini music studio with me and the babies all listening in like little groupies.

It was such a cool vibe, though, with us chilling around the table, fresh cups of tea steaming in our hands and the snow, seemingly relentless, falling outside our window. Quite possibly one of the best snow days I've had in a long time.

Today the sun has come out and the snow is slowly but surely beginning to melt away. I'm not a big fan of snow in the first place, so I can only hope that it leaves as quickly as possible. Besides, tonight Ryan is supposed to be playing a gig in Brick Lane, and me and some of the babies want to go and get front row seats. Instead of cups of tea, though, we want to be holding pints of cider or some kind of strong vodka to warm us up from the cold travel.

Posted by Sam at 11:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Alex's 21st birthday and she wanted to go to the bop. Ugh, the bop. Seriously? THE BOP? Really? But what about my streak of not going to the bop all year? I was going to break that now? Well, I suppose it was her birthday, and what the birthday girl wants, the birthday girl gets.

So I was going to go the bop. First things first: I needed to get absolutely wasted before I even got to the front doors, which meant drinking an entire bottle of rosé by myself, a double vodka and orange, plus a random shot and a glass of Strongbow. By the time I made it to the bop, I was already picking out which guys I wanted to pull later in the evening, and Sharon was in full force talking about where she lived in America and putting on the World's Ugliest Southern Accent, because for some reason they love it over here. Strange.

I bought another drink at the bop (a Strongbow maybe?), stashed my coat away some place safe where I could get away not paying the £1 for the cloak room, and then headed straight for the dance floor where I had a couple of dances with my group of "friends" that I've hardly seen all year. We danced and danced up until I saw Jon, ran up to him, jumped up, wrapped my legs around his waist and shouted, "OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU AND HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" He clearly wasn't anywhere near the wasted point that I was at, but gave me a big kiss and said, "let me get a drink. We'll have a dance later, yeah?"

I slid off of him, and just as I was about to go back, I saw Jess, Hannah and Sara walk in with Guy and some other dude that I had never met before. I gave them all big hugs and kisses and they laughed because they were still relatively sober and I was off my tits.

"Sam! Hey! This is Aidan. He's my friend from Bristol," Hannah told me. I said hi to him but then wandered off to find Jess and Sara. They said they were in the process of getting some MD and I was very much up for that.

I saw one-eyed Jack, and I gave him a hug as well, called him a cunt and said that I missed seeing his greasy face around. I don't know why people put up with me, but just like my ugly southern accent, they seem to like my obnoxious drunkenness and laugh along. Jack and I had a small conversation and somehow I managed to end up in the small bar where I bought yet another pint of Strongbow even though I wasn't finished with my first one. I sat down with the girls and Aidan and decided that he was really fit and I should try and get with him.

Oh, we chatted for ages. He would tell me a fuckload of information that he would have to re-tell me in the morning because I wouldn't remember any of it. We went to the toilets, I saw Adam 1, chatted to Sam's girlfriend's twin sister (awkward), danced some more in the main room and gave boy Sam the finger as he walked by and I danced with Aidan.

Sharon is such a bitch.

We (Aidan and myself) didn't stay for long, because I was wrecked and we decided that we should definitely go back to mine for a cup of tea and sexy times. As we left the gate, I thought to myself how I was really glad that I decided to shave my legs earlier. I didn't plan on bringing anyone home, but I did and it was amazing.

He quickly established himself as my Best One Night Stand Ever. It wasn't just because he could make my toes curl and I didn't fall asleep halfway through (which I've done before), but it was also because he was just so cool and casual about everything. He was such a little chatterbox as well talking, talking, talking about his future plans, his life in the army, his ex-girlfriend (which wasn't weird to talk about), his house in Bristol, how he met Hannah, blah, blah, blah. And because he was an entire foot taller than me, I just curled up in his man nook and fell asleep listening to him quiz me about the events from the entire night.

"I bet you'll wake up tomorrow and be like, 'who is this ugly mug I brought back home.'"

"Don't be silly," I said.

"Me silly? You're the silly one tonight, drinking and doing drugs. I bet you don't even know my name."

"Sure I do....Derek?"

"Wrong. Try again."

"Um, Charlie?"

"It's Aidan. And you're Sam. You're twenty-three, studying creative writing and are from Virginia."

"Wow, I told you all of that?"

"Yep."

"I must have really liked you to tell you the real truth about me. Usually I make people up and pretend to be someone else."

Oh, he was lovely. He even stuck around in the morning time to have a cup of tea, watch a Harry Potter film and have a quickie before he left. He asked me to come out with him for lunch, but I was so tired and hung over that I passed and after he left I rang Livvi to tell her about the hot, sexy times that just left our flat.

Yeah it was good times, but like most things nowadays, I don't expect anything to come about, even if he did say he wanted to come back up with some of his army mates and pay us all a visit. I doubt I'll ever see or hear from him again, which is perfectly fine. The girl I once was might believe that there was a chance, but the woman I am now knows better than to dream up funny little fantasies. Instead I'll just mark him down as another in Sam's History Books and go on with life as normal. Besides, there's another guy that I'm seeing on Friday for a "drink" which Livvi said was a "date".

I really do need to quit. Bad Sharon.

Posted by Sam at 10:19 AM | Permalink

With these rare moments of sun that I steal and mentally scotch tape into my mind, I try and trick myself into believing that it's not shitty January that I'm still living in, but rather it's springtime and if I were to step outside right now, I'd be wearing flip flops, my toes would have a fresh pedicure and I'd be wearing one of the cute airy dresses that I have patiently hanging up in my wardrobe. I open my curtains, open my window and air my stuffy room out. I'm partially tempted to even give my room a big clean, but then I sit down and think, "nah, too much effort." Instead I put on some of my self-tanning lotion and tell myself that it's in preparation for the warmer months that I hope decide to come early.

I've finally gotten over that unfortunate breakdown that I had about a week ago and am now doing much better. I think I was just really overwhelmed with all of the work that I have to do and the stress, my god, THE STRESS was really overpowering. I needed to cry, and if you were sat in my room looking at all of the module readers, notebooks and required books from the library that I have all stacked in my room, you would have cried with me. But I'm okay now. I've written everything out that I need to do, I've put down the days that I plan to work on it, I go to every single lecture so I don't miss anything and I'm taking it one week at a time. It doesn't mean that I'm still not a big stress ball, but I'm not on the verge of crying into someone's ham sandwich that they're having for lunch heaven forbid they ask me something like if I have any plans for the weekend. I can still have a social life. I just need to get my work done first. DUH.

There are our workshops which are quite possibly one of the scariest things I've ever sat through. No wonder I never went for the first two years of uni! But it's okay now, because I got into a good group that tell me their opinions, but don't leave me in a heap on the floor chewing on my hair. They give me some really good ideas and all I want to do is sit and expand on what I've got and just keep going.

Of course one of my group members asked me if I even have enough substantial information to write an entire novel, but his opinion doesn't really count. He's not my target audience. And I DO have enough information. I HAVE THE PAST TWO AND A HALF YEARS OF UNIVERSITY. That's not even including life BEFOREHAND. Trust me. It'll be fine.

Aside from that I'm doing okay. I need to move on from my first chapter that I've already written, though, and get a move on the next two which are being marked in my final grade and really matter. Obviously, the overall thing matters in the end, but as of right now, chapters two and three are a bit more important than the first one. I do get to hand in the re-edited version, though, as well as the next two.

It also helped last week when I was sitting in my Business of Writing lecture, and we spoke to four graduates who left my university a little over two years ago. They've been OUT THERE in the REAL WORLD and are MAKING IT in the WRITING BUSINESS. There was a point in the lecture when I thought I might actually throw up and I could feel my chest tighten with severe anxiety, but my nerves were eventually calmed when one of them said, "it's okay to go slow after you graduate. There's not a real big rush."

And she's right. All of us are so excited, impatient and chomping down hard waiting for anything to bite, that we all need to take a percocet and chill the fuck out. Yes, it's our last year of university, but we're not all going to hit the jackpot in one go and become multi-million dollar writers. As lame as it sounds, we need to live life and work on our craft. Writing is hard, when you do it properly and look at every aspect of the written word, break it down, word and sentence structures, characterization, word placement, etcetera, etcetera . You can't just bash something out and voila! your masterpiece is done. Perhaps maybe one in a million will get that chance. But for the rest of us, writing takes time.

It will be okay. I will be okay. My writing, once I work on it a little more, will be okay. And no matter when my "big break" happens, or whatever form it takes (i.e. being published in an anthology, having a book published, working in the editing/publishing world, being published online) I'll be ready to accept it and handle it all as it comes to me. The only thing I have to do is keep going and don't stop until I'm finally satisfied, because as the graduates also told our eager class, nobody will care if you stop writing; nobody will notice if you stop writing; only you will.

Posted by Sam at 02:50 PM | Permalink

Yeah, leave it to me to have a big ol' weep-a-thon only a week after I returned. I told y'all I would cry didn't I? Didn't I say that?!

Yes, I believe that I did. And you know what? I was right. I was SO RIGHT. I had a surprising Cry Fest last night, and what's scary is that I think there might still be some left inside of me! I feel like I could cry again today, and I hate this! Ugh, I hate to be all female and hormone-y and agitated and irritated and tired and frustrated and annoyed with EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I've just been wandering around the flat glaring at all of the babies like, "Yeah, that's fine! Just go out and drink, and party and have fun WITHOUT ME. IT WON'T BE ANYWHERE NEAR AS FUN BECAUSE I'M NOT THERE WITH YOU!!!"

Seriously, what's my issue? It's not their fault that I'm being a crazy nut-job right now.

So I keep myself in my room where I can sulk and feel sorry for myself alone listening to the weird humming noise from an unknown source coming from my bathroom. Unfortunately I do have to leave when I want to eat, and then I just go in the kitchen, moan about my work, be a HUGE Debbie Downer and make everyone feel uncomfortable. How awesome am I? I know. The greatest flat rep EVER.

Oh, but it was good to get some of it out last night when I was talking to Momma and Mel on Skype. I could just moan to them for ages and be a big cry baby about all of the work that I have to do, the fact that I'm unemployed, I have no money, life is hard, I have the flu, it's cold outside, the grass is green, the sky is blue, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. And bless them, they did a damn fine job to try and pick me up off the ground, dust me off and give me a big electronic hug over the Atlantic. It just gets to me, though, and yes, the fact that I have to sleep like Dracula every night hot-boxed under the covers with Vicks just so I can breathe out of both nostrils, does get under my skin.

It's just being back at uni, though, and this ridiculous mountain of work that I have to do by March 31st. I have to hand it ALL IN at 6pm on that day, and quite frankly, it's a bit daunting. Perhaps my three years at university hasn't prepared me well enough for this task, but I'm telling ya folks, I'm scared shitless. And I don't get scared easily when it comes to my work. If anything, I put it off until the last minute, then remember it's due in two days, shovel something together and miraculously manage to get respectable passing grades. THAT is what I'm used to. I'm definitely not used to having THREE PORTFOLIOS, FIVE ESSAYS, TWO COVER LETTERS and TWO CHAPTERS OF MY NOVEL all being done and complete in only a mere 11 WEEKS.

WHAT?!

Not to mention my editing groups, the occasional group project AND a trip into Central neatly piled on top of the rest. I mean, I think anyone might have a cow over that amount of work. And it has to be done well. Really well. Because in my Business of Writing lecture? Part of our portfolio is that we have to send in our own work to REAL AGENTS AND PUBLISHERS. Real people! Like, people with skin who will read our work, judge it harshly, make us (i.e. me) cry and tell us not to quit our day jobs because our writing SUCKS.

I can't handle that y'all. I thought I could, but really....I can't. Someone telling me that my work is bad, I'm a bad writer, I'm washed up, used, rubbish, crap, no good, a wannabe or that I should go back to the kiddy section would cripple me. CRIPPLE ME. I don't know if I could recover from that.

I've been writing since the second grade. Ever since I was little this is all that I've wanted to do. And now, NOW I'm coming to an end of my university life and I can already feel the realness starting to hit me, I can feel the heavy weight being piled on my chest and I'm scared. I am actually frightened to death.

I realize that my work isn't perfect. I do know how to accept constructive criticism. I also know that I will more than likely be rejected by fifty publishers before someone can even be bothered to look at my work. But that doesn't mean that I like it. While part of me does understand what's expected of me, the other half is frozen in fear and all I can picture is me sitting completely naked in a room full of people that are pointing out all of my flaws.

"Look at her stretch marks!"

"Did you see the fat creases?"

"I was too distracted by her blotchy skin.

Well, that blotchy skin isn't the thickest in the world, and I guess I'm still in the process of being comfortable with myself and with my writing. I know our lecturers are always telling us to tell the voice of The Judge to piss off and leave us alone, but sometimes when you're not feeling your greatest (like when you're under the covers huffing Vicks in the middle of the night), that voice overpowers everything else in your head, leaving you in a pile of tears, snot and low self-esteem.

Posted by Sam at 03:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Back in London and I literally picked up right where I left everything. My room is back to being in an organized cluttered state, I had a tutorial to sort out my last term, I've handed in work that I have been working on throughout the break, Tabitha is back on the hunt to get me a job, I'm seeing Helen tomorrow for lunch, all of my children are back under one roof and I've started out the year on a high note sorting things out with Trish.

"So..."

"Yeah..."

*cough*

It was good. Everything seems like it has stood still since I left, except for the fact that I'm well rested, thinking a lot more clearly and am so ready to finish this year. I know that coming to university is usually something that you only experience once, and I am so grateful to have been able to do it in the first place. But my GOD, I am so tired of doing this. I'm ready to go back to work.

It's okay, though, because I'm not as edgy as before and am taking things in strides. I know I've only been back about three days or so, but whatever. I'm me and I have to take EVERYTHING one day at a time. I can actually say that even though I'm still poor and unemployed in London, just like how I left it, I'm happy to be back and seeing everyone again.

We had a slight fire on Saturday as well, which I thought was a pretty exciting way to kick off the term. I was in my room when Emma came banging on my door screeching that the toaster was on fire. Of course when I went to go check on it, it wasn't on fire, but rather smoking quite a bit. I figured that it would eventually die out on its own since she UNPLUGGED THE TOASTER FROM THE WALL.

Nope. Even though it didn't have any power connected to it, the toaster that was possessed and hated our flat still manage to produce some serious flames and melt its plastic self all over our counter top. We have actual scorch marks up on our ceiling and even after we get a new toaster, I'll probably still choose to use the grill in the oven to make my toast. Oh, toast.

Yeah, not much to really say except that I'm feeling pretty good about myself so far. I'm sure that'll wear off soon and two weeks into the term I'll be crying because life just isn't going my way (!), and why doesn't anyone listen to me (!) and I just can't wait to go home (!). I'm such a cry baby. I always have been. Every night before I go to sleep, I read some of my old entries in one of the FIVE journals that I brought back with me. I've always whinged in my journals, and I always apologize as well. Some things will never change.

And because they're just too damn funny (in my opinion anyway), I'm going to share another oldie, but goodie from Sam's Past.

***

This one is older than the last entry I posted. It is back from when I lived in North Dakota and had my first kiss. It should be said that where I was sitting was in this weird race car game that was like a mini car, only without a door. It's nice to see that even back then, eight-year-old Sam still got some action, and I always kept it classy. Go me!

Thursday, August 25th, 1993

Dear Diary,

Today I got my first kiss. It was so funny because we were in the car and Steph & Cory was the door so we just kissed. Steph & Cory kissed to when me & Josh was the door. So then it was the boys turn to kiss us. Corye was nurves and Josh was scard but us girls took it fine.

Love,
Sam

P.S. I love you Josh. (drawn heart)

Posted by Sam at 06:10 PM | Permalink

Over the Christmas holiday I ordered the book, Cringe by Sarah Brown. Reading other people's personal journal entries from back in the day inspired me to rifle through some of my old journals that I've been stowing away in my bedside table. I have since been sitting on the sofa and reading page after page of my melodramatic teenage self. It's HILARIOUS. And so funny that occasionally if I find a real gem (well, they're all really 'gems' now aren't they?), I'll post it up here for a good hearty laugh. Starting with my first week of high school....because where else is a better start?

***

This lovely entry was written a week after my first day at school. I wrote a previous journal entry already talking about Micah McSwaine and how I "fell for him immediately." Yes, so hard that I couldn't even spell his name right. Then I proceed to go on about all of the things that have been keeping me so busy from writing in my journal every day. I was lame. And apparently didn't realize that I, too, would one day end up living in an apartment. All misspelled words and improper use of punctuation has been left in to show how bad of a writer I was. I REALLY loved the comma.

8-28-99 1:22p.m.

Man o man, I haven't written in a very long time. I don't even think I wrote about my first day of school. Okay, I did. I've just been really tired.

A bunch of stuff has happened. First of all, school is okay. I hate gym, and love english. Spanish is okay, and Interior Design is borring. I told you about Micha, right? Yeah. Anyway, not much has happened between him and I. I'm just the "brain" who sits behind him, hoping that he'll turn around, and say, "Hi. I'm Micha. What's your name?" I've dreamed about it constantly but of course in the real world, you have to make your dreams come true. Maybe, who knows; fate just might bring us together and we'll have to do an english project together. That's just too perfect.

Other than my not so love life, I got a room change. Mom took me to J.C.P, and I found the coolest bedset. They came [in the mail] not even after a week, and now I love them. It's sooo cool. All I need, is my desk, and I'll have the perfect bedroom. I don't know why I think this, but I think if I get a desk, my grades will sky rocket. Maybe it's just me.

Things are pretty good at home. I'm still getting used to that Mom has to work [the] 2nd [shift], and I have to be in charge. All I can say, is that it'll help me, and not hurt me. Mel and I get in a lot more arguements, but as usual, we patch them up. I'm very lucky to have a sister like her. Of course, she can't know it. That would be too "Full House" like.

Mom said that I could start calling Isabel twice a week. Wait, twice a month. Yeah. We would just switch off. She would call one week, then I would call the next. That sounds pretty good to me.

You know, when I think about it, I have a great life, and I should be grateful for it. A lot of people don't live like I do. Half of the people on my bus live in apartments. That's sad.

Well, I'm very sorry I haven't written in awhile. I've been very tired. I'll try and do better from now on. Write ya later.

- Samantha

Posted by Sam at 01:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

There's this small duck family that lives out in the pond behind my house. Yeah, I totally have a mini man-made pond behind my house, and it's awesome. Anyway, there's this little duck family; the mallard and his wee wife in her less flattering brown colors. Occasionally, if it's not raining outside and the pond isn't frozen over, I'll see both of them swimming around down there having a grand old time. I'm in love with them and every time I go to the kitchen sink, I find myself peering over the window ledge to see if they're down there.

I'm going to miss seeing them during the day.

Today is the day for me to peace out back over the pond and finish out this last chapter of university, and I'm not sure why I'm finding it more difficult to leave the house this time round, but there ya go. I don't actually take off until a little after nine o'clock tonight, so I have the entire day to fluff about and take my sweet precious time. Part of me wishes my flight was super early in the morning so I could just get on the damn plane and be done with it. Why do I have to wait around for so long? It's annoying.

I remember when I first left. I think I may have blogged about it. I'm sure I did and it's somewhere in my archives. I don't need to go back and read what happened, though, because the memory is still fresh in my mind and I can easily pull it back to the front when I want to. Hell, I remember what I was wearing: my stupid green t-shirt with a picture of a lemon and the words that said, "squeeze me" written on it. I thought it was so funny back then. Now I think that the shirt was made funny and sits on me awkwardly. I never wear it now.

On the day I took off to come to university on my lonesome, I remember not being sad that I was leaving Virginia. Good-bye you boring state that I needed to run away from! I was stepping out into the Unknown, by myself and I wasn't even a little bit sad that I was leaving home. I think part of me might have been slightly shocked by the fact that it was all even happening. And I remember the airport being strangely quiet with the occasional announcement over the loud speaker and some man sitting next to me silently reading his newspaper. Momma didn't cry when I left her behind at the security gate. Mel didn't cry. And my friend at the time, Amy, didn't cry either. We just kind of said good-bye like I'd be back at the weekend.

"See ya later!" I shouted, and then they were gone.

I left with my pink razr phone that I loved and would later drunkenly drop in a puddle when I went into Central with Helen and had one of the greatest nights ever. We stole an umbrella that night. She still has it at her house to this day. It's a damn fine umbrella as well. The phone has since been replaced.

I left with two gigantic suitcases, one shoulder bag with ALL of my toiletries, my book-bag AND my Coach purse that they said was too big and was considered to be a second carry-on piece the first time I left. I remember being so sad and upset that I had to shove everything from my Coach bag into my book-bag and Mel took my Coach bag back home. This time I'm leaving with one suitcase packed to the brim full of gifts for other people, a pecan pie for me to eat alone in my room and my book-bag. I don't need much else.

It's funny how things change.

Now when I go back, I'm a little bit older, I suppose a little bit wiser and yet for some reason I feel like I might cry on the second night that I'm back just like I did when I first arrived three years ago. I'll be sad this time when I walk through the security gates and won't be relieved to be leaving the state that I once thought was so boring. I'm not walking into the Unknown and I am fully aware of what's going on in the city where I took my first steps of independence.

One thing that I'm ever so grateful for, though, is that when I go back this time, I won't be completely alone and by myself. I have amazing people over there that I know and love like family. And while I might be sad now because I'm leaving home, I know I'm going to be just as equally sad, or even more sad, when I have to leave those people and London almost five months from now.

Sometimes, things just aren't fair. But I suppose that's a choice I didn't know that even I made when I was sitting alone in Dulles airport in my green t-shirt with a lemon on it.

Posted by Sam at 09:52 AM | Permalink

So I'm down to the last couple of days until it's time for me to jump back into reality and live out the last couple of months in good 'ol London Town. Oh, London, you silly lover that I've grown to know over these past few years. What will I ever do with you?

I'm ready and rested to go back, but I'm not really sure if I want to go just yet. I love being at home. I love being with Momma and Mel. I definitely love having my car back. The past few days I've done nothing except drive back and forth all over northern VA trying to get in as much time behind the wheel as possible. And with gas prices being a whole lot cheaper from last year, I don't mind driving around aimlessly with no particular destination. It's just me, my tunes and the open road with amazing skies. I have been living the quiet simple life since I've been back and have almost forgotten what it's like being in the city.

I make dinner for Momma a lot these days and have introduced her to jacket potatoes and more importantly, toad in the hole. She liked it, which surprised me since she usually thinks I'm crazy every time I mention anything new that I've eaten since I've moved away. It seems like the new, more grown up and mature Sam fits in well with home life again, and I'm glad. Mel enjoys having her big sis back and we just sit around and argue with each other like the old days and are constantly challenging each other's knowledge on recent pop culture. I thought that the novelty of me being back would have worn off by now, but it looks like I just like being back and can't wait to be graduated already.

I do miss the babies, though, and having everyone close by. I miss Helen watermelon and miss being able to send people random, funny text messages whenever I want. In my perfect world, this townhouse, Momma and Mel would all live on the outskirts of London. That would be everything I need within arm's reach.

This break has been amazing for me. My head is back in a good, healthy place and I'm ready to finish up university so I can come back here, get a job, start paying off these massive loans I've accumulated since year one and get back into a steady groove. A new and improved Sammi Jo will be arriving in London for the final scene. I have a bangin' new hair cut, some bitchin' new glasses and a new attitude in general. I haven't forgotten about the end of 2008, but I'm not so down about it either. January will be spent cleaning up last year's mess and getting on with things. Then I never want to ever think about that horrible year ever again.

Something weird has been going on since I've been back home, which is slightly frightening for me. My ideas and thoughts on family have been changing and I think I may want to find a man, settle down and have a wee little family to call my own some day. I know! Who knew that ME of all people on this entire planet would actually want a family and go through the whole child raising process, but there you have it. This feeling has been inside me for a couple of months now, but I've been ignoring it, because...gah...it was just weird for me to think about. I don't want the home life. I want to be young, cool, hip and fabulous all by myself. That is who I've been for so long now that it was damn scary to find myself actually daydreaming about kids and some imaginary man (with a well-groomed beard, mind you). I don't do this. I don't DAYDREAM imaginary families. How boring? Then again, these days boring doesn't seem so boring anymore. It seems full, happy and what I apparently want.

We all come home at the end of the day. What I come home to in London is a flat full of wonderful ladies that I am privileged to know and call my children. What I come home to here in Virginia is Momma and Mel. When I'm done with my uni life, when I've moved out of the house for good to live on my own, what will I come home to then? It is nice to have my alone, quiet time, but I'm also thinking about the next chapter of my life. Will I always want to come home to no one?

I think before, when I was out and about, living the party life, having endless one night stands and keeping myself emotionally at arm's length with guys, I told myself that I didn't need to get to know them, because what really was the point? We were going to use each other, leave each other and the day would go on. There's no point in talking to someone that I was only going to know for a few hours. Hell, I honestly can't remember all of their names either, but there you go... I told myself I was happy with the way things were and that I didn't need a man to be happy.

TRUE. I don't. I'm perfectly happy the way I am now: single, in my early twenties and eagerly waiting what life holds for me round the corner. But there's still a part of me that isn't completely fulfilled and wouldn't mind living out the family life. Being a mini Samantha Jones protégé was fun, but I never really felt that great about myself in the long run. I'm tired of always not caring about guys. They're not so bad.

I don't know why it was so hard for me to admit that I wouldn't mind having a family to myself. I don't know why it was so scary for me to let myself embrace the thought of being in a proper, grown-up relationship and allow myself to feel all of those new feelings. I guess it's just a new identity for me that I'm not used to. I know what has happened in my past with different relationships and my deadbeat father, but why should I be a cliché with daddy issues who ended up in multiple failed relationships? No thanks. I know what I want now, I'm ready to accept it should it ever happen, and won't be absolutely devastated if it never does either. I'm going with the flow people. Look at me grow.

Of course with this new life realization about myself, I'm going to need help to sort through the mental pieces. So as soon as I get back to university and back into the daily grind there, I'm booking myself an appointment with Fran.. Good 'ol Fran. I haven't seen her in ages and I think it's time for me to pay her a visit. We have some new things to talk about, and this new life development of mine would be one discussion. There's also my "forgiveness issues" I'd like to touch on and blah, blah, blah. Watch me turn into one of those people who say, "well, my therapist says..."

Posted by Sam at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Holy shit, have you guys ever used Clinique's pore minimizer thermal-active skin refiner? Fuck me, this shit is INTENSE. I literally just used it a couple of minutes ago to...well...minimize my pores and all I can say is SHIT. It does the job. I mean, if the "warming sensation" doesn't freak you out, then maybe the slight redness of your face will after you rinse it off and you look like you have mini forest fires happening around some of your pimples. It's SCARY.

But after all of that weirdness, your face - and more importantly - the pores on your face are instantly smaller! Yeah, it's probably classified under "caution: use at your own risk," but I don't really mind. My pores have never looked better!

Okay, that's the end of that little public service announcement. Really, I'm not here to babble on about a beauty product (even though it's freakishly amazing!). I just had to share with y'all, because that stuff is serious.

***

What I am here to babble on about is, um, well, myself. What else! Hello, this is my blog.

Welcome 2009! (well, in roughly 20 hours and 45 minutes). All I'm really going to be doing when that clock strikes midnight is sitting on the floor rocking back 'n' forth with my fingers crossed saying to myself, please, lord, let this year be good. PLEASE. I can't bear for another bad year. 2008 was really bad for the most part and all I'm hoping for is a nice and neat little ending to wrap this chapter up.

I am walking into this with high hopes, though, as I always do. God, when will I wise up and stop hoping for each year to be better than the last one? But no matter what, I always end up thinking to myself, yep, this year is going to be different. I can feel it. Really, I don't feel shit except even more hopeful than the year before. I'm sure I'll get it into my little head one day to stop hoping and just accept that a new year doesn't mean anything really. It's just another day on the calendar and a way for keeping ourselves organized with the dates.

I was having a little browse, though, through some of my old archives (because with me being hopeful, I also get nostalgic) and perused through some of the past new year's that I've shared here on My Mumbling Thoughts. There was one time when I celebrated early and another one that I didn't post, but where I ended up passing out at half ten and waking up on my bathroom floor alone with an empty bottle of vodka in my hand. 'Cos you know, I'm a classy gal like that.

Oh, this shitty holiday.

This year, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not doing anything particularly special or acknowledging it in any way shape or form. Wednesday is Wednesday, just like how it always is, and when I wake up, hey! it's going to be Thursday. Look at that.

I was thinking of going out with Mendy and celebrating with some of her friends, but to be quite honest, I'd much rather sit at home with my fingers crossed and a bottle of wine. I guess that would be considered "acknowledging" this so-called "holiday," but whatever. I never was good with following through anyway.

I did have a laugh looking through some old posts, though. I mean old posts. Old for me, considering my wee blog is only a mere three years old. First of all, I used to ramble! Good lord, I would never shut up! All I did was bitch about this thing in the office, or that thing in the office. Blah, blah, blah, moan, moan, moan. And my writing style wasn't very good either. I was quite boring and who knows how I managed to snag some pretty cool readers (I love y'all!). But I was consistent and wrote pretty much Monday through Friday like a dedicated little bee. I have certainly come far since being an administrative assistant in a power company working for stereotypical archetypes that get turned into sketches for SNL. Now I want to go back to the admin world, but with a little more life experience under my belt and a better understanding of who I am as a person and my voice that I want to project into the world.

Sure, these past two and a half years at university have been a rough ride for me. I know I've blogged about how this sucks, or that sucks, or how goddamned depressed I am one day and how I'm perfectly fine the next. I am a constant, never-ending bouncy ball that hammers through each day completely blind and yet still sees everything in front of me. But it has overall been AMAZING and I wouldn't change one goddamned thing for the whole world. Coming here to university and being surrounded by my uni life has been tremendously helpful (while at the same time being curse since I can NEVER get away from it). I've learned a lot at good 'ol RoeHo about being a writer, myself as a writer and how I want to continue my writing "career" whenever that gets started. My expectations have been put into perspective and while I do think that my degree is a bit of a toss off, it's still challenging and forces writers today to really look at what they're doing and think twice about putting something out there for people to read. So aside from all of my "life issues," being at university has helped me, I think, in more ways than one.

One of my lecturers, Leone Ross, said to a room full of 25 potential and - here's that word again - hopeful writers that about five us will move on to have successful writing careers and get published in some form. The writing industry is more competitive than the music industry and perhaps if we're lucky, one of us might even be the next J.K. Rowling* even though it's highly unlikely. She didn't want to tell us to crush all of our hopes and dreams, but really, c'mon...we're not all going to get published, be successful and live happily ever after. That just doesn't happen in real life.

She did say, though, that there are different alternatives for us all other than aspiring to be the next Big Thing. We can publish short stories in anthologies, work for freelance newspapers and magazines, publish online and still have a successful writing career. It may not always be glitz and glam, but hey, who said we were writing for the big bucks anyway? Those who write solely for money will eventually run out of steam and their lack of passion will end up being their downfall.

I'm excited to see where I'll be in the next three years. If anything, these past three years have been a means to answer some of my very own quesitons I had for myself before I even stepped one foot at university. The girl who once didn't know what she was going to do with her life, now has a better idea and clearer picture of where I want to be in this world and how to get there. I suppose ending each year with a big celebration is fun or necessary for some people. I certainly know what it's like to need closure for some things. But I don't want to stop or pause or put an end to things. I just want to keep going and going until I'm satisfied with where I end up.

* Why is it that J.K. Rowling is always the one person to get compared to whenever being judged on how successful you are? I can't stand it anymore.

Posted by Sam at 04:18 AM | Permalink

6:05a.m. - Wake up, shower.

6:41a.m. - Eat a bowl of Honey Combs, drink a glass of orange juice, make first cup of tea of the day.

7:02a.m. - Begin to see the morning sunrise. Feel happy to be home and see familiar sunshine.

7:08a.m. - Check facebook. Proceed to facebook stalk for the next ten minutes.

7:18a.m. - Put load of laundry in the washing machine.

7:27a.m. - Tidy room.

7:43a.m. - Decide that this is the perfect time of day.

7:44a.m. - Check facebook.

8:00a.m. - Start cruising iTunes for new music. Folk is definitely my new thing to listen to.

8:51a.m. - Go to the toilet and move soaking wet clothes around in the washing machine because it's off balance.

9:07a.m. - Speak to Elisa from Diary of an Unlikely Housewife on the phone.

9:22a.m. - Move clothes around in the washing machine again.

9:25a.m. - Listen to more music.

9:26a.m. - Check facebook.

9:38a.m. - Open up a new Word document and write down my Chapter Plan for Chapter 1 of Sleep Better Alone.

9:45a.m. - Move clothes around in washing machine again.

9:47a.m. - Go downstairs to make second cup of tea and eat chocolate chip biscuits that Livvi and Katie got for Momma and Mel from Marks&Spencer.

10:00a.m. - Move clothes around in washing machine again.

10:07a.m. - Load Foals CD to Carrie (external hard drive).

10:08a.m. - Notice that it's past ten in the morning and wonder if the clocks are wrong.

10:09a.m. - Realize that the clocks are fine and now realize that I've wasted the entire morning doing fuck all.

10:10a.m. - Check facebook.

10:18a.m. - Move clothes around in washing machine again.

10:22a.m. - Try to buy Blind Pilot from iTunes.

10:22a.m. - Fail. No monies.

10:22a.m. - Check facebook.

10:30a.m. - Pick up pen and finally begin writing.

11:12a.m. - Break for food, another cup of tea and update blog.

11:13a.m. - Forgot about the clothes in the washing machine and get up to move them around once again.

Posted by Sam at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There is something about this house, about being inside of it when I'm both alone and also when Momma and Mel are here; there's something about it that I get lost in. The first few days I was back all I wanted to do was purge my stories from my fingertips, and yet the longer I stay I sink lower into our living room couch and my memories just as easily fade. And a scary feeling washes over me.

I could live right here, on this couch forever and be perfectly fine with that.

I don't want to move. Do you see how frightening this is? I need to get up. I need to move. For fuck's sake, I need to get out of this goddamn house!

I've been away from all of these comforts for one whole year. That's the longest I've been away from any of my comforts my entire life, which might seem kind of sad and pathetic to some people who have been living away from home and doing everything for themselves for years and years now. But for me, it's pretty damn tiring. I've been living my days in London day after day in Roehampton waiting and looking for something in the city, and not being entirely sure what it is I'm waiting on or what I should be looking out for. So now that I'm back at home I'm sinking quickly back into a life that I remember so well and I've been missing for so many months now.

I remember, oh so many fucking years ago now, when I did the so-called "boring" admin job and lived my "boring" life here in Virginia and wished for something so big, so grand, so much more than what I already had. Out There, there were so many other things that I had yet to discover, to see and learn and experience all for myself. While I was stuck doing my boring 9-5 job, out There is where everything else was happening without me.

So I left. It took me a while, but I managed to eventually peace out, pack my shit up and move over 3,000 miles away from everything that I know and considered familiar. Now look at me, three years later and wishing that I could sit on this couch forever and never have to leave the house ever again. What was so wrong with being right here with Momma and Mel? Why could I never appreciate all the things that I had before I left?

It really is one of those cases of "you never know what you have until it's gone." Well, I've been gone, away, far far away and now I'm ready to come back home. I definitely do not regret one bit my decision to leave, because lord knows I had to go out there and figure some things out for myself. I have met some amazing people and will have these friends that I've met along the way for the rest of my life. I know this. And as much as I love London and our extremely dysfunctional love/hate relationship, I know now that I belong close to home with my family.

With my third year starting to round up and having the end so near to me, people are always asking if I plan on staying after I graduate. Before I came back home I always said that I was undecided, and that if something were to pop up before I left then I might consider it. But this trip back home would be a big factor in that decision. If I was just homesick and needed some time to recharge my batteries before I headed back in for the umpteenth round with London, then three weeks would probably be enough for me. But its only been a week and a half and already I want to dig my heels into the ground and slow time down just a little bit longer. Can't I drag this out a little more please? I know I have a little over two weeks left, but that's just not enough for me.

I know my family needs me right now. Mel has been stressed recently with some of her own problems, and I think Momma is just glad to have someone else to have long conversations with, because Mel isn't really the type to sit and have a heart to heart on any day of the week. It's time for me to come back and recover from this three year stint that I've been on.

Only six more months, though. Really, I think I can manage a little bit longer before I have to come back and be American once again. Besides, my southern accent is back in full swing and I didn't realize how much I'd miss that too.

Posted by Sam at 08:40 PM | Permalink

Since I've been living in London for the most part over the past two and a half years, I've decided to compile a small list of things that I've learned while I've been over there. Yeah, I've learned some life lessons, but there are also some things I've learned about being an American in big 'ol London Town. And when I tell people about them over here, the looks on their faces are hilarious. Things like...

- If you were born in England, then you are English. Do not confuse that with Irish, Welsh or heaven forbid, Scottish. Also, all of the UK is British. England is just English.

- How to properly say the word 'twat'. It rhymes with 'matt' not 'watt'.

- That their 'chavs' are kind of like our trailer park trash or wannabe gangsta's.

- That 'toad in the hole' and 'bangers 'n' mash' are names of dinner meals, not cool drinking games.

- Yorkshire pudding is not a dessert.

- It's okay to have about five tea breaks during the day. Hell, maybe even more if you feel like it. (Tetley tea is my favorite)

- Asda is like Wal-Mart, but with the sales tax already included in the price, so there's none of that guessing about the final price.

- Double decker buses are the shit.

- When talking about 'squash' it probably isn't about the vegetable, but rather a tasty drink.

- Brown sauce is the way forward.

- Throughout all of the UK, fries are generally known as 'chips' except in McDonald's where they are still called fries.

- Football only makes sense to me when I'm in London. After I leave the city, I have no care for it.

- Also, once you pick your football team, you better damn well stick with it, through the good and the bad.

- It's not impossible to take your leftover's home if you're out eating, but you might get some odd looks for taking your leftover's home (unless the place has a takeaway option, like Pizza Hut).

- You cannot trick vending machines, CoinStar, bank tellers or sales folks into taking American coins. I've tried it.

- My favorite word that I've adopted into my own vocabulary that everyone here in Virginia hates is 'innit'.

Posted by Sam at 06:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I cannot write in London: FACT.

There is something about being back home that makes it so much easier to write here. Perhaps it's the fact that it's so quiet and I'm back out in the "country" without any distractions whatsoever. Perhaps it's my strange sleeping pattern that wakes me up well before the sun rises, and I stay up well into the evening with a continuous urge to write. I feel like I want to stand up with my laptop at my feet and shake all of the words off of me and into Bridget. It's always there, this feeling, this very familiar feeling that I have been missing so much in London. I just want to take my Writing Feeling, pick it up, stroke it like a cat, kiss it and whisper in its ear how I've missed it so much.

My story, this "novel" that I was supposed to be working on for the past three months at uni, has been at a complete standstill until now. When I locked myself in my room and tried to force the words out of my fingertips, I'd read back every word and part of me would cringe at the computer screen.

"WHY DID I WRITE THAT?!" I'd scream at myself and then punch myself in the face, because only a loser, shit writer would ever write that ridiculous piece of shit.

But here, at home....things are different. I haven't even been back a week, and already my fingers are taking to the keyboard with a vengeance, and want to make up for so much lost time. I don't bother distracting myself with re-reading over what I wrote, distracting myself with the whole editing process. No. I just write and write, endless paragraphs that probably have a million mistakes, but I needed to get the words out of my system otherwise I might explode.

Oh, it's good to be back.

My story, this novel that is required for me to pass my third year at university, is autobiographical. I won't lie. I can only write about what I know, and what I know is that I've just been through a three year personality transformation and I want to talk about it. Yeah, not everything will be exactly the same (because, good lord, I like to think I'm a lot more creative than that), but those who know me, that know everything, will know the specifics of the story.

When I was in London, though, I couldn't write it, because...well...it's set in London. I'm pretty much still living the story, so to speak, and things change, things are always changing, and after I wrote something, I'd have to change it to incorporate something else, something new, something different, and then that would go on to fuck up the rest of the story. I couldn't focus and I was so frustrated at one point that I wanted to scrap the entire thing and write some kind of stupid story about a girl and her dog.

But at home, I'm away from it all. I'm away from the whole mess of things and have such a clearer picture of everything. I can take more of an "outsider's perspective" on things and write about the girl that used to live over there. I can separate the two people and not get stressed about things changing all of a sudden, because I no longer live there. It's so much easier that way.

So I'm going to take advantage of this time away, this exorcism of words and go ballistic, which is something I've been missing for such a long time. If only my time here at home was a little bit longer.

Posted by Sam at 07:07 AM | Permalink

The plane journey was extra long this time. I think it's because I was just so damn impatient about getting here. In my head all I kept thinking was, "oh, come on! I've done this a million times, let's just get this show on the road already!" I was thinking that, and of course, "please don't let me die on this plane ride and drown in the Atlantic or be eaten alive by sharks." Because that, is one of my worst nightmares about flying. And losing my luggage. Yes. Those two would be my worst nightmares.

I made it all in one piece, though, with both gigantic suitcases (one, which was filled entirely with dirty clothes, because our washer and dryer at the house are the two greatest appliances that we own). We arrived a little bit later than we should have, but it was fine. I made it through customs like the haggard student I am, and almost kissed the officer when he said, "welcome home."

Yes, thank you! I AM HOME.

It's the second full day that I'm back, and I think my body and brain are still trying to catch up with everything around me. I know I'm home. I see I'm home. But it is actually exhausting for me to believe I'm home, if that makes sense. My head hurts when I look around and see all of the changes. To be fair, things haven't changed that much, but it's enough for me to have to sit and process it all. They've moved lots of furniture around. They've gotten rid of old things and replaced them with new, fancier, more high-tech things. I don't know how to work the new TV remotes, but I try not to fuss with the TV too much anyway, because it's all too much for my brain to take in. I can watch Mtv again?! Holy shit, THE TODAY SHOW?!

Yeah, I had to turn it off.

It appears that we've accumulated a lot more stuff as well. Our house is too cluttered and I don't know how or why we've got all of these extra bits and bobs that we don't really need, but it's irritating me to sit in it all. Mel has obviously gone shopping to fill up her time when she's off on Wednesdays, and Momma is too busy to run down to the local Salvation Army to drop off the mountain of boxes and bags that are collecting in random corners of the house. It needs to go. All of it.

Everywhere I look there's something I see that I want to change, that I want to clean or organize and tidy up, because...well, why not? It doesn't really feel like mine anymore, but rather it's Momma and Mel's stuff that they've gotten without me here. I figure if I do something with it, like clean it, or move it or something, then it can be mine too.

Aside from the house being different from the past year, it's good to be home. I have forgotten a lot about being back, and some little habits of mine I've discovered never change despite that I've been away. One thing that's still taking some time to get used to, though, is the silence. It's so quiet here and I've found that I always need something on in the background just so it doesn't feel like I'm in some kind of self-contained quarantine building. The silence is deafening and actually hurts the top of my head. I sometimes think that I might explode it's so quiet. Where are the people? Where's the sound of traffic outside? Airplanes? Birds? ANYTHING?

I'm going to have to take things one day at a time. Now that I'm here I feel like I should be doing something every minute, because I'm on a countdown. I haven't actually relaxed yet, or chilled out or took some time to just sit and be, because I'm always up and looking around to find something to do. I'll just chill out, though, take a second and slowly work my way through the house, re-acquainting myself with each part one day at a time. I don't have to do everything in one go. I can't wait to see what else I find or discover while I'm sifting through it all.

Posted by Sam at 10:44 AM | Permalink

When I walk around outside these days, I'm no longer part of my body; I'm not myself. I am simply just a means of transportation to get from one place to another. The rubber on the bottom of my faux Vans are the wheels, and through the soles of my shoes I can feel the cold from the sidewalk seep through my socks and begin to freeze my feet. My hands are the cup holders that transfer my cup of tea from one fingerless glove to the other. My glasses are the windshield that occasionally fog up whenever I exhale. My iPod, the radio. And my legs, constantly moving, walking, going without stopping until finally I reach the front doors of the clinic and I can step inside and begin the semi-painful process of thawing out like a human block of ice.

I cannot wait until it's time for me to go home. The closer I get to the 16th of December, the more excited I get and become all jumpy like a terrier on speed. Even though I have a full schedule from now until that plane leaves the ground, all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep until I have to leave for the airport. But, my suitcases will not pack themselves. My dishes will not wash themselves. Money (as I definitely know these days) will not magically appear in my bank account. I do have to do things before I can spend three blissful weeks back home in the comfort of Virginia and Momma's cooking.

Uni is cold and dead to me. London is cold and dead to me. I definitely have the winter time blues and am so impatient to go into hibernation mode. I cannot wait until I can flop down onto my full bed with the pillow-top mattress, catch up on my American TV shows and just relax back at home. I hear the Christmas songs, I see the Christmas adverts and eat the chocolate out of my Barbie advent calendar, but it won't officially be Christmas for me until I watch A Charlie Brown Christmas with Momma, or listen to Mel try and guess what all of the gifts are under the tree. The closer I get to actually being at home, the more vivid my memories become as well. For some reason I can remember our wooden floors, and what it's like to shower in a proper tub, rather than a basin down on the floor.

2008 has been dreadful. This entire year, overall, has been one big pile of shit. True, there have been some good times, and I'm nowhere as depressed as I have been round this time of year, but I'm hoping for 2009 to kick this year's ass. Never in my life have I gone through so many different emotional upheavals and have had so many different arguments, fights and fall-outs. Third year of uni is almost finished, and all I can say is, thank fuck. I'm exhausted! Do you know what it's like being constantly poor? Or having people let you down time and time again? Or always feeling like you work and work but never get anywhere? 2008 was just that for me.

I thought that getting a job would make me feel instantly better, and while it has given me something to do during the day other than sit around and feel sorry for myself, I'm not entirely happy. No matter how hard I try to budget and save and keep an eye on my finances, things are always coming up that require me to shell out more cash for one reason or another. My time has been slashed in half, I'm always tired and spending most of my time traveling to places that I don't want to go to. I can't seem to really catch up with myself and it's exhausting.

Not only that, the dynamics of university life are completely different for me this year. Everything is different. Zoe's not here, Helen's not here, Alex is always busy with something and our entire little "group" has disintegrated. When I sit back and think about everything that has happened over the past couple of years, I can't help but think that a good reason why our group is no longer together, is because of me. I seem to be at the center of all of the major fall-outs, and because of me things are awkward whenever I go out to a uni event and see someone that I don't necessarily get on with anymore. The weird vibe is constantly there and while I sit alone with my drink, I look around at all of the other groups that have survived these past years at The Roe, and wonder how they managed to stick together. Am I that difficult? Am I that unreasonable? Am I the reason that LB400/18 Ramsdean are no longer close knit?

I was talking to Livvi about it the other night, and about how reflective I've been recently about certain things. I was proper beating myself up, because while I don't accept all of the blame for why I no longer speak to certain people, I do feel partly responsible for the weirdness that lingers whenever a group of us will go out. I can't seem to forgive and forget. I am incapable of sitting people down and telling them how I feel in a calm manner and instead completely write them off as being dick-heads that I no longer want to deal with. Entire relationships I will turn my back on in one swift instance and just like that, I'm one friend down. We are no more. They no longer exist.

I do have my reasons, though, and they aren't stupid little reasons like, "oh, she didn't return a shirt of mine that I let her borrow." They are true, deep reasons that are usually bothering me and fester for long periods of time until I lose my shit over something completely unrelated, i.e. a text message or pie dishes (you don't want to know). And just like that, I'm done.

Momma hasn't spoken to her own mother in over ten years. She hasn't spoken to one of her sisters in over twenty years. She also hasn't spoken to our father, one of her best friends and another sister. Once you piss Momma off, that's it. You don't get anymore chances. She always tells me that I shouldn't have to put up with people that give you a legitimate reason to be fucked off with them. It's true, people do squabble and have fights, but in the end, why should I have to deal with people that have screwed me over?

Her answer? I don't. Don't deal with them. It's not worth it to waste your time on someone who doesn't care or won't bother to try and make things right.

But then I got to thinking, whenever I've done something in the past that hasn't been an amazing shining moment, I want people to be able to forgive me for the wrong that I've done. I can think of two instances with Helen in particular where I didn't deserve the World's Greatest Friend Award, but still asked for forgiveness. And she did. And we're fine now. All has been forgotten and I do believe that our friendship is better for it.

It's a bit hypocritical of me to want people to forgive me whenever I've done something wrong, but I can't forgive them whenever they've made a mistake. Like I said not even a couple of months ago, nobody is perfect. Don't we all deserve a second chance? At least once?

I want to be able to forgive. I want to be able to trust and be completely honest and talk calmly to people about my irritations with them. But it's hard for me. Thinking about it actually makes me want to cry. I don't want to hang out with people that have hurt me, but at the same time, I don't want to completely shut others out as well.

I know that things will never be like they once were. I have got to stop trying to re-live my first year. I need to leap out of the past and spring far into my future. I'm behind. All of this time that I spend clinging onto things that have been bothering me so long ago, has been wasting precious time, yet I can't seem to shake. It has only just been recently that I've been able to forgive myself for what I did to Ash at the beginning of my first year, and finally lay that to rest. When will I be able to get over the other things? Santos? Carlene? And now Trish? Why can't I just let it go? Even if things are never the same like how they once were, surely I can at least be able to go out and have a civil conversation?

That is quite possibly one of the scariest thoughts for me.

Once I step on that plane, 2008 is over for me. I know I don't ever set resolutions, (because I generally can never stick to them), but I want 2009 to be a year of forgiveness. I want to be able to get past this clog that has been holding me back. And I want the last few months I spend in London to be filled with happiness like the other groups in the bar; not awkward tension that leaves me sitting bitter and alone in a bar that I once used to call my own.

Posted by Sam at 09:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Where did I go? What is going on? What the fuck has been happening?

Lots people. Lots of things are happening. It's amazing how I'm always surprised when life takes a complete turn from being absolutely bored and doing nothing, to being ridiculously busy and staying constantly on the move. That's how it always is, though, and how it will always be, I'm afraid. It's ironic, because now I no longer have time to sit and do nothing. There's no more time to play with in my hands. I am a busy person once again and fucking hell, that does wonders for me and my moods.

I got a new job, one that's legitimate and requires me to sign a timecard every Friday. They took my bank details, I will be getting paychecks and no longer have a reason to sit and cry because I'm poor. Not anymore folks! I am back in the admin world where I'm comfortable and can snuggle happily against my manila folders, post-it notes and staplers. I work in a psychology clinic with a woman named, Bridget, who is a lovely old lady that keeps the office running smoothly. I'm her second in line and am quickly learning how their office works and applying my mad skills from back in my old Admin Days. It's like riding a bike or slipping on a pair of jeans that you forgot you had in the back of your wardrobe. It just fits.

It doesn't hurt that I'm getting paid a nice amount as well, and the hours are very reasonable along with my uni timetable. I'm very pleased with it all and it keeps me happy, busy and surprisingly energetic. I come home and do washing up, tidy the kitchen, tidy my room, organize my diary and stay pretty chripy for the most part.

I've been going out, I've been kissing boys (and then some, to my horror) and even took some time yesterday to go to church.

Church.

Me. In a house of God. Frightening.

BUT, it was a lovely experience and hallelujah! I've discovered this untapped resource of hot, beautiful and yes, very religious men.

Aside from the good looking boys that resemble Jesus, it was really cool and nothing to what I had originally expected. Church has always been a scary place for me and in my head I've just had all of these negative thoughts about it. Yesterday though, my eyes were introduced to a completely different setting and lo and behold, I really had a good time. First of all, it was held in a warehouse-type thing, not a standard church and there wasn't one cross with Jesus nailed to it anywhere in sight. People brought their own bibles, they weren't out everywhere on the tables, and there was live music! Granted, all of the songs were about Jesus, worshipping him, their lord and savior, but it was a good vibe. At first I thought it was weird how people were really getting into the music, but then I thought hey man, it's just like whenever I go to one of my music gigs and proper feel the lyrics. I've cried at concerts before! It made sense.

Speaking of music concerts, I've also gone to see Death Cab for Cutie with Livvi and one of her friends from back home. It was my second time seeing them live and it was an amazing gig. There was one really tall, annoying, drunk man standing behind us that I would have loved to gag with an old sock because he would Not. Stop. Talking. throughout the entire show. The gig itself, though, was amazing, beautiful and we were right at the front, just like how I believe all live music should be experienced. And it only made me want to procreate with Ben Gibbard even more. Oh, if I could be left alone with him, the things we would get up to...

The days are quickly dwindling to my departure and there's so much I have to do. It looks like my days of sitting alone in my room are gone (thank goodness). Now when I'm left in my room, I am always working on one thing or the other. No more "too much thinking". No more "feeling bad for myself". No more crying over spilled milk. Only work, getting things done and planning for the days ahead. I hope I can keep up with it all.

Posted by Sam at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

If I could have it my way, I'd split myself into two halves and part of me would always be in London, and the other half would always be at home with Momma and Mel. When I'm here amongst all of the foreign accents and living out the rainy days, part of me always longs to be back home in Virginia; and when I'm back home where life moves slower and I have all of my American luxuries, part of me aches to be back here in London.

It seems like I have blurred the lines between here and home these days, and drift in out of both worlds whenever I get a quiet moment to myself. Sometimes I can hear Momma yelling at me to come and clean the kitchen while I lay upstairs in my bed watching TV under the covers with Mel next to me knitting something, for someone that never really takes any shape. For a couple of minutes I'm back home and when I snap out of it and see that I'm really just sitting in my room staring out of my bedroom window onto the Digby lawn, I get a small sinking feeling and wish to not be here anymore. I am tired. With each passing day I'm getting increasingly tired of this, this uni scene, this uni life, this goddamned uni bubble.

Fuck it all to hell, is what I usually think to myself and want to just lock my room and never let anyone else in. Go away! Please go the fuck away!

Uni life can't be like this for other people. I know it's not, because they don't have the same worries that I do, the same stresses that I've been dealing with ever since my first year. International students have it much harder and I can't believe that Trish and I are one of the few brave ones that have stuck it out for this long. No wonder a good majority of other international students only stay for a semester. What were we thinking?! Live in London? FOR THREE FUCKING YEARS?! ARE WE CRAZY?!

Yes. Yes we are. And the prices we have to pay will constantly be following us until our deaths. Why? Because going to university overseas for the full three years is motherfucking expensive.

Of course I knew this when I signed up for it, but my eyes were temporarily blinded by personal happiness and dreaming about all of the new experiences that I was going to have and living in one of the greatest cities in the world, and nobody - NOBODY - was going to take that from me.

Now I'm nearing the end, and while I don't regret a single thing (this is an experience that nobody can take away), I'm dragging my feet, I'm slowing down big time, I'm ready to fall over, collapse and pray that someone can carry me the rest of the way. There are other prices that I've paid without dollar or pound signs in front of numbers, and it appears that you will run out of energy at some point and everything will catch up to you in the end.

I need a pick-me-up quickly. I need a jolt, a fire lit under my ass, a kick up the backside and a good talkin' to. I can feel myself starting to slide into that dark place that lurks in the back of my mind, that place that's so alluring and tempting to visit whenever London doesn't see any sun for a few days and all I hear is each individual rain drop fall down from the grey skies.

Just sit inside, don't shower for three days and feel sorry for yourself. Do it! It's fun. You know how it's done; you've done it so many times before. Now go!

I don't know what it is. It's probably not just one thing. It's probably a culmination of many small things that have all banded together to make one, big Sammi Sad Ball and now it sits in the middle of my chest. I just don't feel like I've caught a break yet to be honest. I got a job, but it's a load of crap and seems to be slightly illegal, so Trish and I are quitting on Thursday. Nothing else is really happening because I don't have any money to do anything, and my debts are increasing right before my eyes. I miss my friends. God, do I miss my friends. I know I have the babies and Trish here with me, but there's still a part of me that wishes so much for Helen and Zoe to be here. I'm sad about our group falling apart, and even more sad because if I wanted to, I could put it back together with one conversation between me and Carlene. But I won't, because I'm stubborn and have too much pride to go and say, "hey, let's forget about it." And I'm frustrated. I'm getting more and more frustrated just waiting around for something to happen. Anything! I want something BIG, HUGE, MONUMENTAL to happen. I want a good job, I want to meet someone, I want to land on something fantastic that no longer leaves me feeling like I'm in this huge holding pattern, barely making ends meet. I want to go out, go crazy, swing my hair all over my face and forget that any of this is real. I don't want to sit in my room and dream about being at home anymore.

So I'm going home.

It has been nearly a year and a half since I've properly been back. I know I went back for Christmas, but I was only there for two weeks and I barely remember the break. I've been gone for ages. I feel like I've forgotten me. I used to be someone that knew what she wanted every single day when I woke up. Now when I wake up I just wish for the day to already be over. And while Thomas Wolfe has been quoted many times stating that "you can't go home again," clearly he never lived in London with non-existent funds that would forever and always leave him wondering why he was even here in the first place.

I'm looking forward to December 16th. All I have to do is make it to that day and I'll leave London once again to re-charge my batteries. I'll be back home for a whole month and I will drive my car, visit Mendy, eat at my favorite food joints, get new glasses, get a doctor's check-up and remember what I want every day when I wake up. I'll forget about this whole mess here for a little while and come back to be the girl with a little more fight in her who won't fall susceptible to the dangers of negative thinking.

Posted by Sam at 12:20 PM | Permalink

It is this time of year that is my favorite. What is it about putting multiple layers on to keep oneself warm from the outside, putting flannel sheets on one's bed and drinking multiple mugs of hot cocoa that isn't attractive? 'Tis the season to be merry? More like 'tis the season to snuggle under the covers! I'm not one for romance (all of that emotional chow chow makes me want to be sick), but there is something ridiculously magical about this time of year walking around hand-in-hand with someone, but with gloves on.

I don't have "someone". It has been a while since little Sammi Jo has had "someone" to call her own. Or to just call. All of my "someone's" I kick out of bed the next morning and hope to never see or hear from them again. My god! And the characters I have gotten with! Trish in particular loves to tell the babies of my past one-night stands. Her favorites are usually "ass man," "air con guy," or "Trilby boi". They are quite the crowd pleasers. And I usually lay on the settee with my face covered to hide the fact that my entire head has caught on fire from sheer embarrassment.

Ever since Ash, and the train wreck that was boy Sam, I've kept myself far away from any guy that may have "potential". What is that anyway? Boys are stupid. I live by that motto. Just stay emotionally detached and you never have to worry about getting hurt, about crying over some stupid man that wasn't worth your time anyway. Just use them for one thing (like they use us for; not that it should be "us" or "them"), quickly dispose of them, and voila! You get what you want, they get what they want and we both walk away with relatively clean hands (haha gross). It's a nice set up.

But then the chilly wind begins to blow, the leaves float down the ground and crunch underneath my shoes, and for two seconds I'll get this pang in my chest and part of the words begin to form in my brain...

Hmm....it sure would be nice if...

No! Stop that right there! You don't wish that! You never have. You remember where that leads you? Down to the trail of tears motherfucker. And you don't want to be that sad, sappy bitch ever again.

I haven't been actively "looking" but I haven't been actively not looking either. I kind of just roll with the punches these days. I know all of that relationship nonsense will all grab a hold of me when I'm not looking. That's how it always happens. I'm of the mind now that I'll have to be tricked into a relationship because I'm so terrified of being locked down. It will be when I least expect it. It will be when I least want one. And hopefully I won't be a coward that runs for the hills. I mean, I have some serious emotional/relationship issues these days that I should probably work through with a counselor. I'm constantly going back 'n' forth between "wanting to be in a relationship" and "wouldn't touch one with a ten foot pole". I need to stop bouncing all over the place and just pick something dammit. But I'm a fickle gal. What can I say?

One guy that had "potential" that I briefly mentioned on here, Ed, is no more. He was a hopeful, then not hopeful, then hopeful again (!), and then flopped without any chance of getting back up. It was a pretty sad attempt, now that I think about it, but ah well. Shit happens.

I'm going to take this magical time of the year, and enjoy it with my babies, my best friends and not get caught up in the fuzzy love atmosphere that gets generated by all of the couples rubbing up on each other. We have so many laughs together and to be honest, I'd much rather share it with the dozen or so people that I love, rather than to give all of my time and attention to only one.

Posted by Sam at 11:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The trees have changed color as they do at this time of year. Standard. The leaves all look like dry, crumpled claws scattered all over the ground and scrape along the sidewalks. I love it. It's getting to the point now where the wind bites my face and I have to put extra moisturizer on after I've washed my face because of the dry skin. Welcome to autumn in London.

It's true that every time the seasons change I get all nostalgic for home. I suppose it also could be because I didn't go home over the summer, and now there is the potential that I won't be going for Christmas either. Again, it's not because Momma and I have had some terrible fall out, but rather that money is tight, the economy isn't in the greatest conditions and because I was unable to get my loan, the money is coming straight out of our family's pocket rather from my checks.

I guess it could be a good thing to spend my last Christmas in London for a while. After this year, who knows when I'll be back. Obviously I will come back. I have friends here that I'll want to see and visit. But I mean to live. I might not live here for a while after my third year of uni.

So far things with me have been okay. I've been going to my lectures (I really don't have an excuse not to go considering I only have two each week AND I'm only a five minute walk away), and Trish and I have gotten our jobs working together as estate agent assistants. Money has been non-existent, but I'm not as stressed out about it, because Momma and I actually have more communication about my lack of funds and she has been helping me out big time. It'll be a lot better once I start earning an income and can properly support myself throughout my final year. The babies are all doing so well too, and our wee flat is my new home away from home. There haven't been any major dilemmas that couldn't be easily mended, and we're each just going out, doing our thing and having a good time.

Life has not been dramatic. It has not been stressful. It has been coasting almost, and it's kind of freaking me out.

I think I've mistaken my no-stress as "boring". Is my life boring now? Is it because I'm not so completely caught up in third year drama that I've become "blah"? Or is this how other "normal" people live without stress and constantly worrying about everything around them? What is going on? I'm not used to this! True, I stay in more, but that's because I'm saving money and it's getting increasingly colder, but it's not like I'm a hermit. I've gone out a few times in the past week and I've just had a generally good time. No one has cried. Nobody has had their feelings hurt. Things are just....fine.

I shouldn't complain though, and take this time to do things I need to do. I still haven't been reading or writing enough. I'm just not feeling it like I did in the old flat when we lived on the estate. And with this new job that Trish and I will be starting on Monday, my free time is going to be cut in half. I will be one busy motherfucker, and am going to enjoy my last week of time off.

Things aren't fantastic, but they aren't a pile of shit either. It's a weird feeling to have for me since I'm always used to one extreme or another. I guess I'll just see how long it lasts and see where all of these new developments take me.

Posted by Sam at 08:08 PM | Permalink

The thing about babies is that they grow up and no longer need you for those easy beginner steps that you're more than happy to show them over and over until your eyes begin to bleed. The thing about babies that aren't babies in the first place, but full grown adults who are only in their first year of university but you like to call them your babies anyway, is that they quickly gain their feet on the university grounds and piss off to leave you the lone parent in the flat wondering "hmm....now what?"

Yes, my babies. My wee freshers. My darling angels that needed me for so much in the first few weeks of university are now able to work things out for themselves, on their own, without me.

"It's okay, Sam. I know where the building is."

"Really? Are you sure? Do you want me to walk there with you? DON'T FORGET YOUR HAT! IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!"

I don't think I could have been put with a better group of girls. Yeah, there are growing pains, but that's how it is when you're learning about different people and wading through all of the Life Shit to get past to the other side where all of the goodness and fun is. My babies dance, cuddle, hug, laugh, cook, work, sing, shop and spend time together. We are literally one big happy family and I can easily walk into the kitchen and want to spring up off my feet into the air and give whoever is in there a big morning hug and squeal "I MISSED YOU WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!" We have even adopted a few freshers to call our own (I *heart* you Gerry), and Trish is always round ours hanging out and gathering the babies round in a big circle for Story Time.

It has been a fantastically wonderful time.

But.

Oh yeah. The BUT.

Just because things are so amazing doesn't mean that my problems have magically disappeared. I'm still in need of a job. I'm still at university and need to be making a sufficient amount of time to actually WORK and WRITE and READ for my course. These things haven't just kindly walked away because I'm having so much fun with all of these new people.

After the party from Hell and I gained some serious perspective and worked out my priorities, I've been doing better with keeping myself at home. It's a bit boring, but I let the babies go out and have their fun, and while I have that alone time, I read, or I work on finding myself a job. Occasionally I'll chill out with Trish and we'll eat chocolate while laughing at funny Dane Cook skits, but I do get things done. If I'm gonna be the Momma of the flat, then I need to sacrifice some fun things just like my Momma did while we were growing up. It's not MY first year, but THEIR first year. They should be the ones going out and getting wrecked, and I should be in waiting for them with a hair tie and a tall glass of water.

Of course that doesn't mean that they want me to stay inside on my lonesome all the time. They do invite me out and I have to kindly decline saying no to their offers to buying me one drink. Babies should not have to be buying Momma drinks. They have been amazing though, and know of my "situation". Livvi in particularly has been a nice listening ear and Gerry is so ridiculously connected with people in London.

"I know people, Sam. Trust me, we'll find you a job."

I don't know what that's supposed to mean exactly, but I'll just take his word for it.

It has been good so far for me though. I try to keep things quiet about how stressed out I am about some things, but they can pick up on my Different Mood Vibes already. Livvi already knows and will give me these looks like YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, SAM. I CAN TELL YOU'RE DEEP IN THOUGHT. Yes, you caught me Livvi. And while I'm sitting alone in my room applying for jobs online, Livvi, Katie and Fee will come into my room with a cup of tea and give me cuddles because they could tell that I wasn't feeling like my usual self.

Posted by Sam at 11:06 AM | Permalink

Assignment for my lecture Writing for the Internet, which is a load of wank. Maximum words? 300.

I suppose the real question would be what hasn't my mother told me? She is the one person who has taught me everything that I know, and everything that I thought I learned by myself, I know she has taught me first and I just pretend that I learned it all on my lonesome. She was the one who told me that if you wash your dishes up as you cook, then it won't seem like so much to do when it's time to clean the kitchen. I'm not sure why that piece of advice sticks out the most in my mind.

Never trust a man with your heart, always have hospital corners when you make your bed and the three things to never talk about with other people are politics, religion and money; people are too set in their ways to change their minds about any of it. Don't be ashamed to use coupons ("if it's free, then it's for me!"), depend on nobody in life but yourself and always make sure you have at least $20 on you at all times because you never know when you'll need cash.

These snippets of advice from her life lessons that she has learned over the years stick with me. There’s nothing that I don’t know to this day that she hasn’t already said to me at least once, no matter how big or small. The only thing that mother has never told me is how to live without her, and that’s one thing I hope to never learn.

Posted by Sam at 01:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I wore my ugly yellow t-shirt that they said all the floor reps had to wear on Sunday at ten o'clock in the morning. Seriously, it was quite possibly one of the ugliest t-shirts ever. We all stood around looking like knobheads (im)patiently waiting for our wee freshers to arrive. Maybe that was one of mine? No, she lived on Bede. Perhaps that girl? Newman. Her? Shaw House.

Lame.

Finally, after standing around for about forty-five minutes, my first wee baby arrived and I didn't think she was mine to begin with. I was so excited to see that she lived on my floor that I squealed a little too excitedly, and I think I may have startled her and her father a bit. Slowly, one by one, they all started to arrive, and slowly, one by one, our flat began to take real shape.

I have a Christian, an atheist, a dancer and a model. I've got a sweet cheerleader, a tomboy and my favorite. Together we make LA0. Our flat is comfortable, homey and easily lived in without any kind of troubles (so far).

Livvi is my darling baby that I've taken on as my favorite. I know, I shouldn't have one (I do love them all the same), but there's something about Livvi that I see in myself and know that she's going to be the next one to carry on my legacy after I've gone. What my legacy is exactly, I'm not entirely sure, but I do have one, people do know me and I'm going to teach her everything that I know personally so that she knows this university inside and out. She will be able to take care of everyone else, grab the reins, take the lead and show everyone out to the other side when things aren't so peachy. I know she can do it.

I've already introduced her to a good portion of my friends, getting her face and name out there. She's (unfortunately) already pulled one of my friends (dirty one-eyed Jack), but has recovered from that without any damage to her shiny new reputation. She likes to go out, but I'll guide her and make sure that she doesn't lose important sight of her studies. She will go to all of her lectures, she will make good grades and she will have a cracking good time if it's the last thing that I do.

They've all molded together nicely and it makes me smile to see them all crowding in the lounge with their laptops and laughing at the pictures from the night before. They're all so excited, they're all buzzing with anticipation and I'm loving this newfound energy that they've given me.

Of course I don't go out every night with them, but I am there if they ever need me for anything. They're always asking about where a certain building is, what's the protocol for signing someone in to stay overnight, and to watch their faces in shock at the stories I've told them about my previous two years here is just so priceless I can't even form the words. It's a strange feeling to have people look up to you, to rely on you for certain things and to need you to be there for them in case they need a helping hand. And I'm more than happy to do anything they need.

They all know they're my babies and that I'm here for them if they ever need me. They know that I want to give them all the greatest first year of their life, and be a floor rep that actually is around unlike my useless floor rep in my first year. I will be there for anything they need, and they know that if anyone messes with them that I'll be there without any hesitation and shank a bitch.

This is the new generation of RoeHo. These are my wee freshers -- Katie, Emma, (fresher) Sam, Hannah, Jess, Fee and Livvi. Here's to a new beginning.

Posted by Sam at 05:58 PM | Permalink

Hey! Look at me! I'm still here! And dying from exhaustion. Moving back to uni? Is LONG. Moving back to uni AND being a floor rep? Is LONGER.

The good news is that I'm pretty much all moved in, and now the only thing left to do is sort my clothes and, oh yeah! Have the wee freshers move in. Funnily enough one of them moved in earlier today, but now she's gone and I'm left alone in the flat once again. But it's okay, because I'm savoring this quiet time, this alone time, this time when I can walk to the kitchen in nothing by my tights and bra and not worry about someone freaking out because OHMIGOD! I'm halfway naked. Blah.

I've had the proper floor rep training (lasted two LONG days), and my, I didn't realize that there was so much to do and think about. Especially fire safety. Wow! I will never again stay in the building if there's a fire alarm. I know that may sound weird, but there are literally about two hundred fire alarms going off every year, and quite frankly, I can't be bothered to go outside, in the cold or rain, just because someone burned their toast AGAIN. But after my floor rep training, you can bet your ass I'm going to be high tailing it outside and counting each of my girl's heads making sure they are safe outside.

And yeah, I said girls. I have EIGHT GIRLS to look after this year. One of them is named Sam (because my name is just so popular around here), AND she's a lesbian, which just makes me feel superior than all of the other flats for some reason.

"Oh, well one of my freshers is a lesbian, so there! My flat is better than yours!"

Okay, so it's not a competition, but kind of, it secretly is. We all want good, fun freshers that don't kill each other or drive us insane. We all want to be a close knit little family that love and take care of each other, and that's the environment I'm going to try and create from day one that starts tomorrow. Tomorrow we'll all be together in unison as I walk them down to the bar for the free barbecue and a landslide of cheap, student drinks. I'm not sure what will happen after that.

Aside from preparing for my wee freshers, I've also been getting myself sorted and prepared for uni in general. I still have to sort my loan (stupid banks!), pick up some things that I left at Helen's house while I lived there and deal with one stupid drama after the other.

First drama? Carlene. She knows I'm upset with her and is trying the whole "can't we sort it now so things aren't awkward?" move. And I'm just sitting there thinking, no, we can't. I can't be bothered to sit and have that discussion with her right now. I don't want to talk about ALL OF THE MILLION REASONS why I no longer consider her to be a friend. I have way too much going on to try and figure out why our friendship is over and she's so dysfunctional.

Second drama? Ash sent me a reply to my email and I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to properly think about it and decide if I'm going to respond or not. The email wasn't mean or harsh or awful; I was scared to read it at first though. It was just very poignant. Very honest. And just.... it was Ash. And with everything that is going on with me now, I haven't had time to digest it all. But I want to.

Third drama? There is a new guy in the picture that is... lovely. At first I wasn't so sure, but now I think I might actually have a crush on him. A tiny one, but there is definitely something there that makes me do that stupid girl giggle. I've been talking to him for a few weeks now and haven't mentioned it here, because that has kind of been a jinx for me in the past (um, Swindon anyone? Aussie boy?), but I think this could be a something. All you get for now is his name: Ed. Oh yes. It's Ed.

Fourth drama? Do you remember Drummer boy? Well, he kind of asked me out on a date. Okay, I'm not sure if it's a real "date" but we're going to go see Death Cab for Cutie in November. We may be in a group, it might just be the two of us, I don't know. I don't have the details. But I haven't seen him since we, um, well hooked up. I haven't really talked to him either now that I think about it. I just really wanted to go see Death Cab. Yes, I'm a horrible person.

Fifth drama? I had a really bad preggo scare right before I left Helen's house. Yeah, it was probably the worst scare I've had...ever. I know I've had a couple of close calls, but this one was bad. So bad that I actually found myself standing in the pregnancy test aisle with Helen trying to control my breathing and my heart from exploding. Luckily, I wasn't preggo and I didn't have to deal with all of that, but fucking hell it was messing with my head big time. And it made me consider some new things, you know, about kids and me actually having one. Not now, obviously, but I don't think I'm as anti-kid as I used to be. I think maybe, if I feel like it, I could have one. Hell, maybe two if I'm feeling ambitious.

Do you see this? Do you see all of this that has been going on since I've been busy and moving back on campus? This is why I try not to leave the house, because stuff happens and it clogs my brain and makes me get all...blah. And I can't update my blog properly with full details in a story-like manner like I prefer. Next week things will chill out a little bit (I hope!) and I can get more of a routine going. I'll have my lectures, I'll get another part-time job and I'll finish out this last year in one piece.

But one step at a time folks. Right now I'm going to go make some dinner in my underwear and listen to my music loud in the kitchen. Why? Because I'm alone and I can.

Posted by Sam at 06:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Quiet. Peace and quiet.

I truly do need a balance of alone time and family time. I can't deal with noise all the time. And the TV. Christ, why does the TV need to be on all. the. fucking. time. Just turn it off man! It'll be okay. Why don't we put on some music? Music is nice. It can be soothing. You can bounce along to it. And it can linger in the background while we do other things that don't require me to sit and stare at the moving pictures on the TV!

I'm moving out of Alex's house today and heading back to RoeHo where I'll finally gather all of my things under one roof once again and get settled in for my third -- and most importantly -- final year.

No more uni after this folks. Remember when I wanted to move over here? Yeah, well I did and now it has come to it's final scene. Fucking hell am I exhausted.

I have had a very busy summer indeed, and yet so much time has been wasted sitting around waiting for things to happen. I'm waiting for uni to start, I'm waiting to hear about a part-time job, I'm waiting for my fucking loan to kick in, I'm waiting, waiting, waiting, always waiting.

And y'all know I don't do well when all there is to do is wait around. I need to be doing something.

I've been sat in a blur for the past week and now I can get back to being active, interacting with humans that don't always want to feed me bacon and steak, and start to regain my footing once again. But while I've been waiting to get a move on, other things have been waiting for me. Carlene is waiting for me to respond to her message about why I haven't spoken to her at all this summer; Mel is waiting on me, Momma is waiting on me, Sarah is waiting on me and perhaps even now Ash is waiting on me.

Oh yeah. I said Ash. He responded to my email that I sent him a couple of weeks ago and now I'm digesting his words, his very poignant words that didn't cut or hurt me, but woke me up and reminded me of some things. It'll be okay though. I'll be okay, and I know that he'll be okay and maybe after some time we can finally lay all of that mess from two years ago to rest and be okay with each other.

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern and that everything is just waiting on something. There's everything waiting for me at uni. I'm waiting on my freshers to arrive, introducing myself and getting to learn about all of them. I'm waiting to set up my room, sort out my work, crack open my notebooks and get back to that novel that has been sitting on my mind. I'm waiting to see old friends that I've been missing all summer and will be waiting to see those that have gone off to other cities. And I'll deal with it all as it comes to me.

Mostly I'm just waiting to get back into the swing of things, get back on a regular routine and not have to live out of a suitcase any longer. Then I won't be waiting anymore. I'll just be back and be better than ever.

Posted by Sam at 01:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Ugh, why is it that the minute things start getting busy, everything else must come to a halt because hey! now I have to deal with all of this new shit that's getting thrown into my face.

Of course it's not all bad, but some things just make life more stressful.

Right now I'm waiting on Alex to give me the go ahead to meet her in Putney so I can go and live with her for the last few weeks of summer vacay. It's going to be fine, I know this, and it's going to be fun, but at the same time it's sad because I'm leaving Helen's house, which means I'm leaving her for a couple of weeks while she goes off to Paris and becomes all French and shit. It's sad, but at the same time it's fine. Very strange and hard to describe.

On top of all of this sad emotional stuff of parting with one of my best friends, I've also been having a few random blasts from the past, with one of my super old high school friends finding me on facebook. A long story there that needs to be told (maybe). Then there was also a not-so-fun pregnancy scare for me (yay!), seeing the Bede boys for the first time proper all summer (yes, including boy Sam and David) all while trying to sort through my finances and make time for more time.

There have been drinks, there have been tears, there has been lots of rain and a slight feeling of the end and the beginning merging into one. I'm not sure, but all I know is that with all of this new shit flying at me at warp speed, things are going to be a bit slow here on My Mumbling Thoughts until I get a little more settled. Then I'll be able to update properly when my feet aren't cold, my head isn't fuzzy and my belly doesn't ache.

Posted by Sam at 02:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So I've been writing.

Correction. I've been thinking about writing, how I'm going to write it, planning it out, making lists, sketching it all together and composing bits and pieces in my head.

I've also been reading.

There's one book that I have called Will Write For Shoes which is really good and makes sense, and then there's also one I have to read for one of my lectures that starts in a few short weeks called The Weekend Novelist, which is always getting referred to in all of these other books I've been reading, but it's just so hard for me to properly get into it. Why does it have to be so painful for me?

And I'm still reading good 'ole Virginia Woolf. God. She's just so awesome. Why can't I write like her and tell stories like she does? All of her words make sense when they're pieced together.

And mine?

Well. Let's not talk about that right now.

This past week has been me chilling at Helen's house, because last week was my last week of work since they told me that I was no longer needed. I didn't get fired, but my temporary job just came to an end. It happens. I knew it was going to happen. It wasn't a shock. I decided to take advantage of this free time that I've been given and get a good start on constructing the first chapter of the novel I'm supposed to be working on, because I've been wanting to send some stuff over to my friend, Erik (not VA Erik, but blogger friend Erik).

And what have I written? A page and a half of boring, mindless drivel that serves no purpose in my story. And what are they always telling me in my lectures and these writing "self help" books? They tell me that EVERY WORD MUST SERVE A PURPOSE. And I'm all, "hey, let's write about stupid shit that doesn't belong in the story, but you think should go there because, why not?"

Yeah. None of it makes sense.

I've decided I'm going to scrap it all because it's all a load of wank. Trust me. I would let you read it, but I'm not that mean. I'm not that cruel. I wouldn't want to inflict that kind of pain upon you.

All summer I've been piecing together this story that I've thought of, I've been sculpting it all together and planning, planning, PLANNING. I even have the first two chapters sketched on notepads, have done all of my character checklists, thought about them all and have re-structured things so that they fit better and have scrapped ideas that seemed good, but would be better to be left out in the long run. All that's left to do is to start writing.

Write.

So I started and have decided that since the first page and a half sucks (which it has taken me weeks to write that pathetic page and a half), I'll just get rid of it and start again.

With the page and a half that is, not the story. I'm keeping everything else.

I don't know why I choked. The only reason I can think of is because I just put way too much pressure on myself. Already, I know. When I sit and think about it for any length of time, I get all holy shit, this is the beginning of my first real novel and I panicked. I proper freaked out in my head and lost sight of what I wanted to write about, whose voice I wanted to be speaking throughout the story and forgot that writing is supposed to be fun, not stressful. I wanted everything to be perfect and when I finally took to the keyboard my fingers decided to betray me and write something completely opposite to what I've been thinking about all summer long.

So that page and a half? Is going straight into the little trash bin icon that sits in the bottom right hand corner of my screen.

I may have said good-bye to the past two years that have caused me so much grief, but that doesn't mean that the fear I have inside me hasn't gone away. My fear is that it'll happen again, and I definitely do not want an encore of any of that. I'm excited to get a start at a new year, but I'm so scared that I'll fall susceptible to all of the same things and will end up right where I was only a bigger failure.

So this story, this novel, I've been putting everything into it all summer. I want it to be fresh and funny, but I also want it to be a proper representation of me, my writing skills, what I've learned over the past two years and tell a story that is super close to my heart. I don't want it to be a "chick lit" or a "dramatic story" or anything like that. I want it to be about life and have people relate to it and take something away from it.

I remember when I was in the second grade in Mrs. Bowman's class. We lived in Denver, Colorado at the time and it was when I learned about the tall tale. We were told that we were going to write our own tall tales. We were going to write them on those brown sheets of paper with the blue dotted lines on them that kids use when they first start learning how to write, and that each sheet was going to be connected to each other. Then we were going to take a picture of Paul Bunyan's head and his blue ox, and staple it to the top of our story, and then staple their feet at the very end. The finished products were going to hang in the hallways from the ceiling to the floor and be on display for anyone to read who walked by and cared to read whatever a second grader had to say.

Boy, I got excited. I remember thinking to myself that I was going to write the most and have the longest tall tale ever, and my story was going to make sense and be ten times more awesome than everyone else's. Why? Because I was awesome, that's why.

I took my brown paper with the blue dotted lines home and I worked on it for TWO WHOLE DAYS, which for a second grader is a fucking long time and a big sacrifice. I missed out on Ghostwriter, which was one of my favorite TV shows. But I wrote non-stop while Momma cooked dinner for us, all throughout the day and only stopped to sharpen my pencil.

When Monday arrived and we started piecing our stories together, I saw that many of my classmates wrote about six or seven pages and that was it. I had easily written the most and was so proud that the bottom of my Paul Bunyan's feet needed to be rolled up and paper-clipped together because my story was just THAT long. I remember there was one boy whose story was longer than mine, but it didn't matter in the end and you want to know why?

Because Mrs. Bowman kept my story. She asked me after our stories had been on display in the hallway for two weeks if she could keep mine to show other students in the future what a good tall tale is, and what an impressive writer I was at such a young age. She said she understood if I wanted to keep it for myself, but I told her she could have it. She didn't ask the other boy. I saw him shove his into his plastic backpack later that day.

I may have gotten slightly derailed over this new story of mine, but the second grader that still lives inside of me is dying to get to writing again; properly writing, just like how I did in Mrs. Bowman's class. I want to be able to get so freaking excited about a story that I don't stop for anything except to recharge my laptop battery. The second grader Sammi Jo wasn't afraid of writing anything back then, and she shouldn't be scared now either.

Posted by Sam at 11:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Wow, it has been a while since I've done one of these, but it came just at the right time. I could use a little exercise to get the 'ole writing mechanics going again. Because today? I am struggling bad.

Monica was awesome and tagged me in a meme that I think I've done before, but because I'm shit and have a crappy memory (unlike dear Monica), I can't remember, nor can I be bothered to sift through all of my archives and find out if I have. In any case, here it goes...

The Rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

Sounds easy enough, except I don't think I really know six other bloggers. Well, I'll tag 'em anyway and see what happens, but if I don't tag you, feel free to take it upon yourself and do the meme. They're really good fun and a nice way to talk about yourself even more on your own blog.

1. I'm double jointed. I don't know if y'all already knew that about me, but yes, I am double jointed from head-to-toe. And yes, it is handy, before you even ask. Along with the double jointedness, however, I also have flat feet, which are gross and I hate them. It's the one part on my body that if I could have them surgically fixed, I would. It prevents me from wearing a lot of my cute high heels comfortably, and as we all know, you just don't fuck with a woman and her shoes.

2. I have a thing about being touched in public. It's not as bad or weird as it sounds, but whenever I'm on the bus, or train, or in a store, or out walking, or anywhere in public, I don't like being touched by strangers. Especially when you're sat somewhere and you can feel their elbow lightly touching your arm as they read their morning newspaper. I just want to turn to them and say, "yo, is it really that hard to stay in your own personal space? Really? I'm not about the touching." It really bothers me.

3. I totally have a thing for Barry Gibb and sometimes wish he would sing How Deep Is Your Love to me before I go to bed. I don't think much else has to be said about that.

4. You remember that magician David Copperfield? Well, when I was really little, I remember watching one of his acts on TV where he made himself fly and could produce snow straight from his fingertips. That night, I had the most vivid dream that he made me fly, and it was so real that when I woke up, I was so sure I had magical powers and could fly whenever I wanted. I couldn't fly. I also couldn't move objects with my mind, but I liked to believe that I could.

5. When I find something that I like, I will become utterly obsessed with it until...well, forever. Things like these pretzels that you could get only from the North Carolina mall with the World's Greatest Lemonade. Every single time we go down to visit now, Mel and I have to go and get one, because I miss and love them so much. Or this bagel bakery that is in Virginia where I used to eat every day for breakfast and lunch when I was still in high school. Or American Eagle. I am forever loyal, and it would take a lot to make me stop loving the things that I'm obsessed with.

6. I will randomly blurt out comments that no one else can relate to or follow, like "hmm....smells like the house in North Carolina", or "yeah, that's funny, because your eye smells".

Now I shall tag ajooja, Elisa, Melissa, Morgan, Miss Grace and last but not least, Trish.

Have at it!

Posted by Sam at 08:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Helen knows that every day when I get home from work, I have to take up at least fifteen minutes of her life while I update her on all of the mundane facts of my day; the lady on the train that fell asleep on me, or another Office Story that I have from sitting at my desk for eight hours. She turns off the TV, sits up a little straighter and gives me her full, undivided attention while I ramble on about nothingness.

That's just me, and she knows it.

She is my best friend (one of a small handful I have and keep close in my heart). We have had a couple of rough patches, but nothing that we haven't worked through and came out on the other side brighter and closer. It's something that I believe all best friends have to go through, because no relationship is perfect all the time. We get annoyed with each other, fall into a funk, a mood and can get easily irritated because the other one is just blinking at the other. Why does she do that!? God!

But for the majority of the time, we are best friends. I consider her a sister.

Helen is beautiful. When I say that, I mean it in the purest way. She is beautiful both on the outside and the inside, and to me, that is extremely hard to find in a person. She's ridiculously smart and there are so many qualities that she has I wish I could have in myself; one of them being that she's financially independent to the max. Helen keeps her finances very private, never discussing them with anyone, and I wonder if I should take a page out of her book. She has never had to borrow money from anyone, and keeps tight lips about the number that flashes on the cash machine.

Aside from the fact that she knows how to manage her money, though, she is damn near perfect. She's what I like to call "classic beauty". She has blond hair and the bluest sparkling eyes that she dresses up with glittering eyeshadow and a slick layer of mascara. She chooses all of her clothes carefully and everything in her wardrobe fits her like a glove. She has her own personal style, and knows how to work it. She is a true London Girl, being born and raised here and knows the city inside and out.

On top of all that, she's ridiculously sweet and will do anything to help you within reason. You can't not like her. It's virtually impossible, and she's so personable. I see her when she chats to people and she just has a way about her that makes you want to be her best friend. She's my little princess and I can't wait to see what the future holds for her; she deserves everything in the world.

My darling little Helen, though, does have her own fair share of woes. It pains me to see her when she's unhappy (damn you boys that can't see a good thing when she's right in front of you!) and there's nothing more I would like to do than just to make all of her problems disappear. I know how she is, how she can be and how she beats herself up over things that she shouldn't be worrying about. I wish I could make her see all of the wonderful things that I see in her, that everyone sees in her, but that she occasionally can't see from time to time.

She's moving to Paris on the 9th of September. Since she studies French and Classics, she's required to do one of her uni years abroad in the country whose language she is learning, therefore taking four years of uni rather than the traditional three. She'll be in another graduating class than all of us. She'll be gone for our third and final years. She'll be missing out on the London uni scene. But she'll be gaining so much more in return. She is embarking on a new journey, getting a clean slate and is starting over in a brand new country. (Sound familiar?) As much as I'm going to miss my wee Care Bear being so close, I'm equally excited for her and can't wait to hear about all of the French Things she's going to be doing. I wonder if their university life will be the same as our university life? Probably. It's just all in French.

And it's not like I'm never going to see her again. I've already told her that our first reading week that we have, I'm hopping on the first Euro Star train and coming to visit her so we can be Parisian together and terrorize the locals. They'll hate us, but we're going to love it. I want to get the full experience of eating lots of bread, smoking inside cafes and getting looked down upon by all of the french folks that despise us Americans. It'll be great.

I haven't thought about her leaving that much. I'm not sure if she has really thought about it in depth. I know she had a day or so after she returned from Poland, but we don't talk about when she's not going to be here. I don't think I'd be able to handle it. What will I do without her? Who am I going to have long, hench chats about boys with? Whose shoulder am I going to cry on? Whose room will I go into and lay on the bed and have chats with while she's getting ready for work or a night out? Who am I going to eat peanut butter and nutella with at 11:30 at night? What am I going to do? What is she going to do?

She has been with me through so much over the past two years. I remember when we were practically inseparable from each other, and living virtually parallel lives. She was the one who I always cried out for whenever I was drunk and being extremely emotional. She was the one who listened to me well late into the evening and took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. She was always the one I would think to call first or want to talk to first whenever something BIG would happen to me throughout my days. She was my first best friend here in London, and for that, I will always be grateful that I know her.

If I know my Helen, I know she's going to be fine, more than fine even. She's so strong (a lot stronger than she thinks), and she will flourish with all of those frenchies like a fish taking to water. And when I come to visit her, we will have changed a little bit more, but not that much. She will always be the small English girl that I wanted to become best friends with when I first moved over here. And we will always be amazed by how similar, yet extremely different we are at the same time. I will miss spending time sitting quietly with her in the morning whilst we eat breakfast, and have it not be awkward. There aren't that many people in the world that I can do that with, and with Helen, I just know. I find myself saying quite a few times to her, "don't act like I don't know you and how you are."

Ah, yes. And we will always be lesbians together. One day, it's going to happen. I know it's already written in the stars.

Posted by Sam at 04:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This past weekend I went to the Notting Hill Carnival with Helen, Louisa, Trish and Lorna (although Trish and Lorna didn't join the festivities until Monday). It was...brilliant, to say the least. And that's all I'll say, because what happens at the Carnival, stays at the carnival. Capiche? Capiche.

Swiftly moving on...

I'm currently typing this here post up at work, even though I'm not sitting in my Super Awesome Desk that allowed me free range on the net without any paranoia. I guess I'm living on the edge today, but mostly I just wanted to write a little update, because LORD, I have no time. Well, I do have time, but the majority of it has been spent traveling from ZONE 6 TO ZONE 2.

Three hours, my friends. Three hours every. single. day. I am either on one of the THREE trains that I have to take to get from Helen's house to work, or I'm walking. Lots of walking. All the time. I walk.

I must mention these birds that I see every morning after I leave Helen's house to go to the first train station, though. Apparently (from what Alex has told me), a couple of years ago, some exotic birds escaped from the zoo and are now flying all over the place in random parts of London. I think that a wild bunch have made their new home in Helen's neighborhood, because I see a large handful of these parrot-looking birds that are a vibrant green color and make the most annoying noise in the early morning. It felt like I was in some kind of Disney movie with all of them swarming above my head.

Right.

I don't really mind the journey itself. Yes, it's long and I have to wake up at 5 o'clock in the morning in order to catch my train at 7:26a.m. on the dot. I'm just not used to it, I suppose. It was so easy when we lived in the flat, because I jumped on one bus and stayed there for a maximum of thirty minutes (even with traffic) until it was time for me to hop off and walk the three minutes to the flat door. Easy peasy. I certainly took it for granted.

With the longer journey, though, and the fact that I'm on the overground and the underground, I get to see a variety of more people all heading into Central to go and do more important other things where they are required to wear fancy suits and shiny shoes. No more chavs/chav mothers/chav children for me to block out.

I go into work looking like I'm headed out for a day at the beach, regardless if it's sunny outside or not (which, recently it hasn't been so bright). I feel like I should make more of an effort now when I go out to be with the "fancy travelers". It's partly because now I'm living out of my suitcases while I stay at Helen's house, and digging through the never ending abyss that is holding all of my "office clothes" is just far too much effort for me to muster after I've woken up and fallen out of bed. I just can't be bothered.

I have also traded in my morning music whilst getting ready, and now instead listen to the morning news on the TV in the downstairs office while I fuss with my hair dryer and try to keep quiet from waking everyone up. It's different, but I feel more like I'm being kept up to date on my current events, which is a lot better than me listening to The Subways latest album for the hundreth time. Or maybe not, depending on who you're talking to I guess.

With all of this extra traveling time, though, I feel like I'm going to burn through all of my books in no time, leaving me with nothing to read, and "old" music that I've already listened to on repeat until my ears started bleeding. So I'm asking: y'all have any recommendations for me to keep me occupied? Music? Books? Funny magazine articles? It can be recent or old; so long as I've never heard of it, it'll be new to me. I just hate those annoying little newspapers that those guys are always handing out in front of the train station; they piss me off and I feel like I'm reading the same thing that everyone else is reading (hardy har har)...I like to be different.

And if you don't hear from me in a week or so, send out the search party. I probably got lost on one of the trains.

Posted by Sam at 03:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I just finished cleaning my temporary room that I'll be living in for the next few weeks. Well, I say "clean" when really it was more like re-organizing things so they don't look so disheveled and like I'm living in a pile of my own dirty clothes. And I hoovered. Very important.

I'm back at Helen's house until it's time for her to kick me out and move to Paris for her year abroad. Away from me. In a new country. Living. Speaking a different language. Lucky bitch. I wish I could!

But one thing at a time. My Helen watermelon/chinchilla/Care Bear/English muffin, was kind enough to let me crash at her place after we moved out of Shitville. I've been to her house before and had a really nice time away relaxing and remembering what it was like to live in a proper house, with proper things that don't break when you sneeze too hard. I've washed my first load of laundry in her amazing washing machine and separate dryer. I must point out the fact that the dryer is indeed a separate machine that isn't combined with the washing machine, therefore allowing our clothes to be properly washed and dried. I pulled out my damp clothes after the washing machine had done it's run and inhaled deeply.

"This," I happily thought to myself, "are how clothes should be washed." And oh my god (!) they weren't covered in lint! That's when I sat on the floor in her small laundry room and silently weeped to myself because I was so happy.

They have a dishwasher that they use every day. Every. Single. Day. We had a dishwasher in the flat, but we never used it because a.) it used up too much electric and water, and b.) when we went through the Bug Phase, we discovered that they liked to hang out in there, which gave me the shivers. Disgusting. I refuse to put my dirty dishes in something that will make them seem dirtier than when they originally went in.

Not only that, I can't seem to get over the fact that they have Name Brand items. They don't have Asda's own, or Tescos own, or Sainsbury's own. Fuck that. They spring for the good shit that's more expensive and works properly.

Oh, and can I just mention the CABLE TV? You don't understand how much I've been missing out on because I haven't properly watched TV for nearly a year. A WHOLE YEAR. I haven't watched any of my favorite TV shows (that weren't already on dvd), the news, music videos and crappy commercials. These things I have been denied for so long, and while I thought I wasn't missing much, in truth, it was just because I had forgotten how handy having a TV can be. You can easily get lost in the nothingness of The Tube, forget all worries and go completely numb in bad daytime talk-shows. I love it. I fucking love it.

Yesterday, Helen walked me to the train station where I'll start my very long morning commute to get to work. She lives...far. Out there. In Zone 6. It is such a small town, the lady for London's Transport had no idea what I was talking about when I rang up to ask about prices for my travelcard.

"It's near Kingston," I told her, which is the nearest 'big town'.

"Oh! Kingston. Wow. That's hardly London."

True, Helen's hometown is quite far, but I love it. She tells me not to get excited when we walk into "the village," but I can't help myself. While I do love the perks of a big city, I am truly a small town girl at heart. We wander inside a small shop, and the store owner knows some of his customers by name, and what they already want to buy.

One really old lady, Barbara, comes in every day and buys two chocolates. He knows this. And it makes me smile inside.

We walk around her neighborhood and she points out certain houses where her school friends live, or used to live, and tells me little stories about the people who lived inside the big houses with well-groomed English gardens, or of the time she got drunk at their house party. It's nice to walk around and hear Helen's stories about her childhood. I feel privileged that she's even telling me, because Helen is generally a very private person. She likes keeping her different lives (i.e. "uni life" and "home life") separate, unlike me who will spill my entire life story all over your lap if you'll let me.

As we were walking back to her house, there were two young boys, I'd say maybe about twelve or thirteen-years-old, standing at one of the very few bus stops. They appeared to be nice young boys with moppy hair and gave us a little smile as we walked past. But as we walked on a little farther, we heard one of them holler out to us in a fake girlie voice, "alright sister!" Helen and I just laughed a little and she said, "god, I love living in this town."

It is so nice. I know why Helen used to come back every so often in our first year of uni, because it's so ridiculously relaxing. And of course, it is her home where most people feel most comfortable. The first night here, I slept hard as a rock and had never felt so refreshed. I remember thinking that it has been a damn long time since I've slept that well. Of course when I woke up the next morning, I was slightly confused about where I was and thought it was Christmas, since I had the same feeling I usually get when I go back home to Virginia.

It's not Virginia, but it is a home. Every home, I've discovered, appears to be the same for people: it's where we can lounge around, watch TV, eat loads of yummy food, hang out in our old room, remember old times and indulge ourselves on all of the goodness we normally don't have back in our Every Day Life. It's hard to think that our childhood home used to be our Every Day Life. Instead now going back home is only a place where we go to recover, to relax, to remember. It is a mini break, almost a holiday and a place where we can truly be ourselves and forget that there ever were hard times.

Posted by Sam at 05:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I look around and there’s so much shit everywhere. Just shit. Everywhere. Part of me really wants to just throw it all away or leave it behind and let the next poor group of people who have to live here after us deal with it. Maybe they could use twenty tins of Asda’s own peas? Or decorative lights? Or all of my dishes? I don’t care for any of it now. I don’t want any of it anymore. It’s all just shit. More shit, piled on top of more shit, on top of more shit.

Shit.

Packing things in suitcases, boxes and bags always makes me feel like it’s The End of something, as if one door is closing, yet a window is wide open with the wind starting to blow through. When you move, you’re usually leaving something behind, or someone behind or some place behind. Generally you say goodbyes, make sure everything’s packed tightly in the car and double check that you’re not leaving any lights on, and that all of the windows are locked. You usually walk around the empty rooms, listen to your footsteps echo and bounce off of the walls, and think, “yes, this is the end of me living in one place; now I’m moving on to bigger and better things.”

I am saying goodbye, as I always do when I leave a place that I’ve lived at for any length of time. It’s just another step in the “leaving process” that helps me feel like I’m done, it’s done. I can leave in peace and know that there’s nothing left for me there. I’m saying goodbye to the disgusting walls, to the unknown smell that always lingered around, the filthy floors and the pain in the ass washing machine. But I’m also saying goodbye to all of the depressing days and nights I spent in my tiny room, and goodbye to all of the horrible, dramatic events that took place. I’m saying goodbye to all of the stress, the worries, the pain, the heartache, the laziness, the mistakes, the obsessions and the god only knows how many headaches caused by all of the negativity. I don’t want to carry any of that with me into my future. To be honest, it’s so much heavier than all of my clothes in my gigantic suitcases combined.

The only things I’ll be taking with me are my beloved items that have been quietly sitting around the flat waiting to be moved to a happier place. If it can’t fit in any of my bags, it gets tossed. I obviously don’t need it, nor do I want to make space for it. And I’ll also be taking the small memories that I have been keeping in a safe place that I hide inside of me. All of the hours that Trish and I spent downstairs watching TV programs on Bridget. Or whenever all of us would be getting ready for a night out, with four different songs blasting out of our rooms and vibrating the walls, drinking beforehand and dancing in our high heels on the wooden floors. Or just sitting with Helen quietly in the lounge in the morning times and not saying anything to each other, and it not being awkward.

Yeah, I’ve grown up quite a bit, and I’ve learned my fair share this past year, but it was tough. For the most part I did my best to keep myself happy and not let the girls know just how much I stressed about things, but there were a few times when I would cry silently to myself in my room, because the pain was all consuming, and even though I wasn’t alone, I felt so secluded. I didn’t want them to worry, but I also didn’t want to always be complaining and crying on their shoulders. I know they would have said that it was okay and that they didn’t mind, but really, I know that there is only so much down time that one person can take, and I didn’t want to be the one handing it all out in large chunks every other day.

However, even though this was a pathetic second year, I have come out on the other side a better person, and dare I say, a stronger person. I have gained even more perspective about living with people and understanding myself. The greatest lesson learned? Nobody, and I mean absolutely nobody, is perfect. Why? Because everyone makes mistakes, whether it’s forgetting about paying a certain bill, or making false judgements and not being open and honest about things straight away.

It’s true, you always hear people say it, and you know they’re right, but for the words to actually strike you in the face and for you to believe it, to understand it, to take in the words and have them mean so much more, is something completely different. Forgiveness is divine, and letting go of things - be it physical or emotional - is necessary in order for one to move on with life. It’s a hard, and very bitter pill to swallow sometimes, and I’m still learning every day how to move past certain things, but I’m sure it’ll get easier with time. Forgiving the little things is the easy part; it’s the bigger ones that take a lot longer to process and accept.

I can’t wait to shut the door one last time to this hellhole, and lock inside all of my past that’s not coming with me. Everything that I’ve been holding onto for the past two years can kiss my ass goodbye, because I don’t live here anymore.

Posted by Sam at 07:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I have decided that the next man I want to be with must be insanely tall and have a well-groomed beard.

This morning. I decided that this morning on the bus.

I do realize that about 87% of the people on this great big planet are a lot taller than me, but I want a man who is like, really tall. Like, people will wonder how we have sex because he's so tall and I'm so short.

I'm not sure why I've all of a sudden taken an interest in beards, but there ya go.

Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I know most of it has to do with the insane amount of alone time I had in the flat last week, but all of those thoughts that have been following me like baby ducklings all tied to a string since I first arrived here, decided to grow into mean, scary, evil birds that took that string they were tethered to, tie it around my neck and choke me. It wasn't fun, people, I'll tell you that now. It was, well, crazy. Insane. I would not do well in a torture camp. In fact, it would be really easy to torture me just by leaving me alone for a long period of time, because by the last day I'll be ready and willing to tell you all of my deepest darkest secrets without a second thought.

I'm sure that I could have done something to alleviate the thoughts that were plaguing me, but I decided to sit and savor each of them, to roll around in them all and let them soak through all of my pores into my blood stream. I was drenched in The Past, and it finally got to the point where I really was going to do something crazy if I didn't figure out a way to just let it all go.

Fucking hell, Samantha Leigh, let it go.

But I couldn't. I just sat there and let my imagination run amok, and it got really morbid to where I started thinking about the "well, what if he died? Or I died?" scenarios. Would I really want to die knowing that I never did anything? Would I want to be That Girl that just had yet another mental weekend? How much more was I willing to take? I had wasted a day and a half allowing myself to sit and soak in my guilt. I was disgusting.

Hence the email to Ash. It took me nearly three hours to write an email that was long, but not long enough or short enough. Nearly three hours where I scrutinized every comma, every word, and made sure that things that needed to be capitalized were capitalized, or that I hadn't forgotten a word in my nervous haste. Nearly three hours of me analyzing what This would mean, or what That would mean. Was I even getting my message across, or was I just rambling on like some fucked up ex-girlfriend that had gone all psycho? Probably both.

Then I thought maybe I was just doing this because I'm all alone and fucked up. Maybe I should do something, like call someone and have a two hour conversation? Maybe that would make it go away? Maybe I would remember that I'm not crazy, but just having a Crazy Moment?

But that would only be a distraction, and every single time I was alone I would be back exactly where I started with nothing accomplished. So I sent it. And then I cried like a motherfucker. But goddamn, it was one of those really good cries that I haven't had in a very long time. Healthy.

Learn from the past, instead of longing for it.

That wasn't the only thing I thought about, though, while I was sitting and squirming over The Past. I also thought about The Future, and what I want to do. I mean, what do I really want to do? My third and final year is fast approaching, and I should start constructing a plan for life post uni. I've always had the very vague thought of staying here in the UK after I graduate, all based purely on If's -- If I get a job here. If someone hires me. If I can find a place to stay. -- There's nothing solid about it. But then I thought, maybe I should move?

And that thought sparked a New Plan. A new, more definite and solid plan.

London is my lover. I fucking love this city so much it pains me. However, it can be rather difficult at times. If I could, I would put my relationship status on facebook as "it's complicated with London". Sometimes we fight and I cry, or I'll scream back in anger and the city will finally ease up on me and then we'll make up (always my favorite part). There are so many wonderful things about living here, I can't even bring myself to make a list, because it's never ending. Even the things I don't like, I secretly love, because hey, that's just London for you.

But -- yes, the 'but' -- I'm starting to get that all too familiar feeling I usually get after being somewhere for two or three years. That's what happens when you're a military brat and are so used to uprooting your entire life. It's time for me to get a move on, scrap everything I know and try again elsewhere.

Which is why I've decided if all the If's don't work out for me, I'm going to try my luck in New York and see what happens.

I was supposed to go last summer with Helz and Jon, but had to cancel because of work (blah!). And I've fought with Momma about spending my third year of uni there. But now I feel a lot more ready about going after uni. It just made so much sense when I thought about it. Why visit when you can live there? I am definitely a city gal, and moving to New York has so many pros: I would be really close to home, which is what I like the most about New York being located where it's located. As much as I love London with all of the beautiful accents and being able to travel easily to so many different countries, New York is only a mere three hours away from home. I could still have my own, separate life in the Big City, and Momma and Mel could be easily reached if I needed to go back, or just wanted to go back for a weekend. Besides, London has trained me well, and I'm sure I would work it out just fine in New York, just like how I did here.

I've thought about it, and I can picture myself there. I want to get a job in a publishing house, or work for a magazine company, or be some low-end newbie at a newspaper office. I'll look for a small, over-priced apartment (they don't call 'em 'flats' over there), where I'll hopefully not get broken into or have to dodge bullets, and eat amazing chinese food every night. It's going to be scary (because New York is so scary to me), but it's going to be brilliant, and I'll make it work and fit, just like how London is to me now.

Of course I'm not leaving just yet. It is still just a thought, a plan, an idea. Something could change a year from now, and I'll have to start all over again with a completely different route. But right now, that plan sounds the most promising, and the best one I've had. And I still have one more year in London before it's time for me to put any kind of final ending on anything. So for right now, I'll just curl up in London's arms and enjoy the time we have together.

Posted by Sam at 11:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Helen is back from Poland with her pretty, pretty vodka, I've started back at work this week, and life once again feels like it's moving at a normal pace. Sadly, because I'm lazy and took a week and a half of time off work, I'm not able to keep up with the whole "moving" and "living" parts that get in the way of my "sitting" time (or more importantly, my "napping" time).

Ah yes, work. I was slightly nervous about going back and showing my disgraceful mug round the office after my poor attempt of dropping off a simple note. Like, what was that about really? I received a text message from Helima when I was on the bus that simply said, "ARE YOU READY?"

Um, not so much, I thought to myself, sitting there and imagining what it would be like for me to walk through those doors again that I so happily let close behind me the week before.

It turns out we aren't working for the same office, but rather in a different building with a whole slew of new people to look at and play the yes/no game with (all of them, once again, are 'no', aside from this one potential guy who smells strongly of alcohol every morning, in case you were wondering). The good news is that this job requires slightly more brain power than what I was working on before. The bad news is that my computer is facing everyone and their grandmother, therefore leaving me absolutely no time whatsoever to piss about on the internet on the company's dime. Do you think that's why more offices are incorporating the "farm" or "pod" layout these days? So people have less privacy, therefore making them much more paranoid about who's peering over their shoulders?

On top of that, I've been feeling slightly under the weather. My health is so poor it's appalling; so I bought some vegetables and will be preparing a colorful and delicious salad (The Helen Salad) later on this evening. I left work early today (I know, on my second day back) so I could come home, change into my pajamas, and sit on the settees like I've been doing for the past week and a half!

It was better this time round, though, because Helen and Jon were here to keep me company, and I laughed because they were making jokes, rather than me just laughing out loud to myself because I'm crazy.

I'm glad there are people around once again, though, because this past weekend was pretty heavy for me. I guess those last two days were just the breaking point, and I couldn't handle my own company any longer. It was so quiet in the flat, leaving me with my thoughts, my crazy and insane thoughts. I couldn't bake anymore cookies, I couldn't listen to anymore music, I couldn't watch anymore TV on dvd, I couldn't read anymore books, I couldn't clean anything else in the flat, because I had already done it THREE HUNDRED TIMES.

So I sat in bed, and blankly stared outside my window where I watched the weather switch from rainy and windy, back to sunny and breezy every fifteen minutes. I would get up to open my window, only to have to get up again to shut it when the rain would start spraying everywhere.

And my thoughts, while I was stuck in that circle routine for nearly two hours, consumed me. They engulfed me. They swirled around and swallowed me whole. And finally I thought, "if I don't do something about this soon, I'm going to kill myself."

So I emailed Ash.

Obviously.

And then I cried.

Obviously.

And then I sang and danced to Rilo Kiley.

And then nothing.

Posted by Sam at 06:46 PM | Permalink

I remember when I was really young -- perhaps eight or so -- and Mel had done something to royally tick me off. I can't remember exactly what it was now, but it was bad enough for me to convince her that she wasn't part of our family. She wasn't blood related and that Momma wasn't her birth mother, but rather her adoptive aunt that took pity on one of her friends and decided to raise her "as her own". I even went so far as to pull out a family photo album and point out who her "real mom" was, who just so happened to be one of Momma's friends from a few years back.

"See," I said, pointing to Momma's friend, Doreen, who had blond hair and was English. "That's your real mom. Who knows where she is now, but she just dumped you here because she didn't want you."

Yes, I was cruel older sister.

Mel cried, obviously, and ran upstairs to Momma asking if she really was part of our family. Momma had to assure her that yes, of course she was part of our family and that no, Doreen was not her birth mother. If that was the case then Momma wanted to know why she had to suffer through the hell that is Childbirth.

I would grow up and there would always be a small part of me that hated myself for ever telling Mel that she wasn't part of our family. Mel is, in so many ways, what holds our small family together. If it wasn't for her, I'm not sure where Momma and I would be these days.

In reality, she is my younger sister, the baby, the last wee youngin'; but her role is more like the middle sister. Momma and I bicker at each other, and she's unfortunately the referee that is stuck in between the both of us, listening to each of us bitch and moan about the other, and in the end Mel just throws up her arms and screams, "WHY DON'T Y'ALL JUST SORT IT OUT YOURSELVES. YOU'RE ACTING LIKE TWO-YEAR-OLDS!"

And Momma and I will just sit with our arms crossed not looking at each other, hating the fact that she's right, and she's the youngest.

But my sister, my best friend, my Pookie, she is the greatest friend that I've had my entire life. Our relationship isn't a complicated one. We don't ever need to explain anything to each other, because we just know, this is how it is. This is how we are. I know that Mel isn't a sappy sentimental person, and we rarely tell each other "I love you". That's just not what we do. It's not because we don't love each other, but it's because we don't have to tell each other as a reminder; we know that the love is always there, constantly surrounding us. There's no need to point it out and make it out to be some Big Deal.

I've given in to the fact that my younger sister is also smarter than me. Mel knows everything about Everything. She's a whiz at Jeopardy and knows plenty of useless information that no human being should ever know; but it's there, in her brain, just waiting to score 400 points. She also knows everything there is to know about Designer Name Brands, high fashion couture, and can spot knock-off purses from a mile away. It's a gift really.

She also has a sixth sense about men that we date and will tell you whether or not he's the right guy, simply by you talking about him. I don't know how she does it, but she knows every single time; and not just with the guys that I'm interested in or Momma goes out with, but my friends as well. We'll disagree with her and tell her that she's wrong, but later on down the line (whether it's two years or two months), we learn that she was right the whole time. It's scary, but I've learned to trust her word and never argue when it comes to Mel's Boy Approval.

I could go on for days, weeks even, about how cool and understated my little sister is (who's not so little standing tall at 5'8"), but she's one of those people that you have to meet to understand. When people first meet her, they tend to either not like her or think she's really shy. She won't speak much, but that's only because she's quietly watching you, observing you, judging you and deciding whether or not you're worth her time. You may even forget that she's in the room, but that doesn't mean that she's not listening. And you'll know when she has made up her mind about you, because when you least expect it, she'll pipe up with one sentence, one sentence that is so dead on, so poignant and funny, that you'll be laughing for five whole minutes while trying to hold your bladder together. That's just her.

Nobody else will ever come close to figuring us out, not even Momma. We have millions of inside jokes, and can quote a lyric from a song, or recite a certain part from one of our favorite movies and just Get It. She will only do her Chander dance for me. And trust me, that is something special that I wish she would share with the world. She recommends TV shows that I'll like, sends me music, and she'll know what I'm talking about when I say, "it's all happening." We will fight, argue and hate each other, but five minutes later everything will be fine and we'll go back to laughing because, good lord, she farted again and it was a silent killer. We have conversations with each other while one of us is in the shower, and she'll scare the living shit out of me when I wake up to find her face five inches away from me, staring. And when I ask her what she's doing, she'll say simply, "just waiting for you to wake up so we can watch TV."

She'll be turning twenty-one this year, officially making her an adult that can legally purchase alcohol (even though she's not much of a drinker, unlike her big sis). She still works at Target and could open up her own store and run it smoothly if she wanted to. She's just now starting to get over her fear and has begun her driving lessons, and is going back to school this fall back home at our local community college. She's doing things at her own pace, and is in no hurry to step out on her own in this big, intimidating world. And I don't blame her. It can be a harsh place to live in sometimes.

She's not so little anymore, though. She has been growing into her own person for a while now, making decisions and learning just like me how we're going to do this whole Life thing. I consider us extremely lucky in that we don't have to do it entirely alone. I'll always be there for her, just like when I got suspended in high school for three days for threatening to run over a girl with my car who was bad-mouthing Mel around the school. And Mel will always be there for me, making sure that I get care packages from back home stock full of TV shows on dvd and my favorite magazines (where she has already filled out the crossword puzzles - Thanks Pookie).

boop

View image

And that would be the tattoo I got for Mel. You know Garfield and his bear Pookie? Well, that's what reminds me of Mel. For as long as I can remember, she has always been Pookie. So I got the tattoo just for her.

Posted by Sam at 02:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So y'all remember that awesome idea where fellow bloggers interview each other and all of that good stuff? Well, Elisa is her name, and she sent me her set of questions to interview me, which I happily answered. She posted the interview on her blog, so rather than me post here today, I'm telling (yes, telling) y'all to run on over there and read it!

Posted by Sam at 01:26 PM | Permalink

Yes, this one goes out to all of my fellow little ladies out there that live their lives day-to-day and are vertically challenged. We are those small ladies that you can barely see in the crowds and are easily shoved aside while all of the tall giants stroll right past us and jump on the bus before us leaving us to stand. We are not invisible, though! We may be little, but we have big voices! And we're damn proud to stand up (as tall as our tippy toes will allow us) and say, "hey! Down here!"

I won't lie -- I like that I'm short. I like being small, petite, tiny, miniscule and teensy weensy. Being small comes with perks and I fully take advantage of my short stature.

Of course, there are some disadvantages that come with being shorter than the average 5'7". It's difficult to find trousers that fit properly (they either fit in the waist and are too short in length, or they're long enough but too big in the waist), and I do envy those leggy women that can wear all of those long, flowing, summer dresses without looking like a small child that's playing dress up in her mother's clothes. Some things simply weren't made for us little women. However, we can get away with wearing shorter shorts and extra mini skirts without looking like we're "showing off too much skin" which is always nice when you want to go out skimpy but not look like a £2 hooker.

Nowadays, though, you can find clothes that are made specially for us that weren't blessed with legs up to our necks. There are many different stores that have designated "petite" sections for the women that aren't built like your typical model who has plenty of leg to spare. It's not so much of a chore now, nor do you have to spend time and money altering hemlines just so your skirts fit nicely on your waist. It is one less thing for us to not have to worry about in our wee little minds.

Aside from clothes shopping, though, there are other daily battles that we must face. We're constantly weaving in and out around people, trying to reach things on high shelves in stores and look like minature pack horses when we have a big day of shopping. There you'll see us with all of our grocery bags dragging low to the ground, or us hunched over at a 90-degree angle because of massive bag that we have propped up on our backs. Whoever said that short people have it so much easier has never had to carry a full load of groceries from Asda on the bus, alone, without any assistance from anyone or anything. Let me tell you, it's hard. My hands are only small. I can only carry so much at a time!

We are also discriminated against at water parks, theme parks and local fairs. That giant rollercoaster that looks so intimidating but thrilling at the same time? We're not allowed because we're "too short". It's so unfortunate.

But here are the things about being smaller than average I do like:

- Always having plenty of leg room. You'll never see me struggling folding up my legs in economy on an airplane or squeezing them close on the tube or bus. I can sit comfortably for the duration of my trip while everyone else has to figure out where they can put their ankles without having to twist it in an odd shape.

- Strangers will generally help you when you are visibly struggling with bags or a stroller. Unlike the doyley lady, I don't expect people to help me just because I can't seem to handle all of my shopping bags; then again, I never turn down a kind stranger when they offer a helping hand. I just hope that one of those "kind strangers" doesn't turn into a theif who runs off with all of my things.

- I'll never have to worry about a guy being too short. Some taller women have a thing about the guy they're dating being shorter than they are. Me? I don't have that problem. I suppose a guy could be too tall, but I doubt it. I've been with some tall fellas and we've managed to work it out every time.

- On a similar note, some guys prefer shorter women. They don't like all of that extra leg getting in the way, but would rather have us pint-sized chicks.

- On a couple of occasions, I can still buy things (mainly cute pajamas) from the Juniors department and clothes there are cheaper.

- These days, short girls rock.

So yes, there are good and bad things that go hand-in-hand with being short, but I suppose that goes for anything really. We may not be able to glide along like the glamazons and have to trot alongside to keep up, but nonetheless, we have some fine points that the tall people simply don't have. There seems to be some kind of novelty for us women that never have to duck under anything. We are cute, special and many people feel the need to take care of us, protect us, or handle us with care because of our small size.

But the next person who feels the need to pet me on the head like a minature chiuaua, I will bite your hand off without any hesitation.

Posted by Sam at 03:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Because Miss Grace (aka Jennifer) is awesome, she speedily sent me her answers to my standard interview questions. And considering how below par my creativity is recently (hence, the not-so-creative questions), her answers are superb. I give her a thousand gold stars and a pat on the back!

This interview thing is fun. I may sign myself up to do it again.

**

1.) Why did you start a blog?

I think my blog evolved out of my attempt to escape from mass emailings. After college, my friends were all in these far flung places, and I got really tired of writing 15 versions of the same email letting everyone know what was going on. Because of that, I started a blog on MySpace to keep friends abreast of what I was doing (this was when MySpace was shiny and new, and you could legitimately participate without being grouped amongst 14-year-old girls and child molesters). I moved over to this blog because I wanted a better format, and I had started to read blogs where I didn't directly know the writer, and wanted to start building on that community.

2.) Do you think that your blog is a decent representation of who you are in "real life"? Do you really care?

I write as myself, and I think that my blog is representative of who I am. However, there are things that I won't talk about online (current relationships, for example), and there are some general moods that I don't tend to write in; I'm not a very good writer when I'm depressed. So there are sides of my personality that don't necessarily come through on my blog; not because they're censored, but because I don't ever feel like writing when I'm in that place.
I do care how I come across in the sense that I want people who read my writing to feel like they are getting to know me, and not some persona I created for the benefit of the internet. I do not, however, care if you don't like me.

3.) Kind of a two-parter question: do you think everyone should keep a blog? And if so, do you think that blogging can be taught? It's kind of like the popular question in my creative writing classes of "can creative writing be taught?"

In short, no. Some people just aren't writers. Some people are great, fantastic, funny people, and it just doesn't translate well into the written word. Other people just aren't very smart or very funny, and I don't really want to read what they have to say. Did I mention that I'm not always very nice, or very diplomatic? Sorry.
I also think that if you're uncomfortable with blogging, and the whole "scary internet" thing, then you might not want to do it.
But anyone who thinks they might want to start a blog? Should definitely give it a try.

4.) What about blogging makes it enjoyable?

My favorite thing about blogging is the chance to write on my own time, without it ever feeling like work. Actually no--that's my second favorite thing. My FAVORITE thing is the community, and all of the wonderful writing and interesting lives I discover online.

5.) About BlogHer: I've never attended, but I read that you went this year. 1st - What can you tell newbies like myself to expect if/when we go? 2nd - Was it all it was cracked up to be?

1st - Everyone who's going is going there at least in part (if not in full) to meet people, so be prepared to introduce yourself A LOT. You can't be afraid to approach strangers, and I don't think there's room for being shy. Also, I'm tired of the posts I've been reading about how someone couldn't "talk to so-and-so because they're too BIG." There are more and less well known bloggers, but everyone at THAT conference is open to meeting everyone else (that's why they came), so if you want to say hi, you absolutely should.
2nd - Yes, it 100% is. I think that my writing has become tangibly better as a result of going, in ways that I can't begin to explain.

6.) I'm all about music; love it to infinity and beyond. What is your favorite band, type of music and so forth?

I always have a really hard time when people ask me this question. I honestly listen to everything. Like, EVERYTHING everything. You are equally likely to find Tom Waits or Nas or Johnny Cash or Counting Crows or Depeche Mode or Justin Timberlake in my CD player. I've lately been going through sort of a folk phase, which has featured Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch, James McMurtry, and John Prine. But three months ago I was in an early-90's hip-hop sort of a mood, so it's hard to predict. Growing up, the family business was a nightclub, so I went to a wide variety of concerts and shows from a very young age, and was therefore exposed to a lot of different sounds, etc. I also learned that the ability to produce a good CD does not necessarily translate into the ability to put on a good show, and visa versa.

7.) In your spare time when you're not raising your son or blogging, what do you like to do when you get a quiet moment to yourself?

If I'm not otherwise occupied (and I'm not asleep) I: read, knit, walk/bike, or sit around on my couch and stare at the wall. Okay so staring at the wall is the most likely, but they're all equally satisfying.

8.) How long do you see yourself blogging for?

For as long as I'm getting something out of it and enjoying what I create, I see myself doing it.

9.) Have you ever received any negative comments and/or feedback about your blog? If so, how did you handle it?

I have an ongoing negative reaction from my son's father, mainly because HIS father is one of my regular readers, and I don't think he likes to be exposed as categorically insane. While I make a point to never use his name, he did notably comment on one of my entries. The main reason I published everything that we both wrote was because I wanted him to be less abusive to me in emails, and the fact that I have no qualms about publishing them has kept him pretty much in check since then. It doesn't really matter whether I write about him or not, as it's the simple fact that I blog that upsets him, and most of the time, my entries have absolutely nothing to do with him. Aside from that issue, which is ongoing, I haven't really had any negative feedback from readers. I've found a wonderfully supportive community.

10.) Do you think that the "blog hierarchy" is a load of wank?

I think that some bloggers are more well-known than others, and I think that as long as you have a community of people doing the same thing, some of them are going to invariably become more "famous" than others. However, I don't think it's quite the same as "real-life" fame in the sense that most bloggers are still very in touch with their communities.

Posted by Sam at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I have nothing important (when do I ever talk about anything "important" really) to write today, so instead I shall introduce y'all to The Great Interview Experiment. I discovered it over at Monica's blog and thought that it was a fantastic idea as soon as I read it.

I'm participating and decided to share this great revolution to y'all out there who would also like to be interviewed by a complete and total stranger. I mean, really, who wouldn't love that? I'm still waiting to hear from the lady who is supposed to interview me, but I already sent my set of questions to Miss Grace. What I've discovered? It's probably best that I'm studying creative writing instead of journalism, because I'm a shit journalist. However, Miss Grace is a fantastically funny writer that kind of reminds of me of Trish.

I do believe that this idea is a great way to discover new blogs (because my lord there are so many out there), reach out an internet hand to your neighbor in this vast space and get to know who else is out there rather than sitting in the same corner. We may not all be a Dooce, a laid off dad or a former stripper turned writer in New York, but we all deserve to be interviewed at least once.

Posted by Sam at 03:51 PM | Permalink

It seems like I am continuously learning who are good friends, who are great friends, and who are lifelong friends that I should hope to know until we're old. For as long as I can remember, all the way back to the fourth grade when I knew Stephanie Ramazini, I've traded, recycled and gained new best friends every single year. Stephanie kicked off first, then there was blond Heather, red-headed Heather, Tabitha (whom I got in a big fight with and never spoke to ever again), Shella, Kirsty, Gina and finally Sarah in my junior year of high school.

Halfway through my senior year when I lived in North Carolina, Momma moved me up to Virginia with me kicking and screaming the whole way. I didn't want to leave halfway through my senior year, yet it was my fault for leaving in the first place. She said I could stay if I remained on good behavior, but because I was going through my "rebel phase" (which appears to only now be fading away), I was forced to move twenty minutes away from the nation's capital leaving all of my small town friends behind with no word, not even a small note saying good-bye. It must have seemed like I had been kidnapped, however, skipping school and getting my friend's dad to pierce my belly button when we were all drunk after Thanksgiving was not part of the Momma-Sam agreement. I had relinguished my rights as a free spirited 17-year-old and had to spend my last six months of my high school career in a brand new school, with brand new faces, in a brand new location. It was quite possibly six of the worst months of my entire life.

During my time spent at T.C. Williams (yes, where they filmed Remember The Titans), I kept to myself mostly and worked to get my GPA up. While I was living in my small, southern town it had sunk to a pathetic 2.1, and by the time I walked across the stage to collect my diploma I managed to raise it all the way up to a 3.5.

Yes, it was quite an accomplishment, but it didn't mean that I was happy while I worked on getting those good grades. I was very quiet, meak and hated every new person that I came in contact with or tried to get to know me. Everyone there was stupid and didn't understand me. Or better yet, I didn't understand them; what was with them calling cigarettes 'jacks' anyway? They had stupid words in Virginia.

I did briefly make a new friend, Lauren, who was in a similar boat that I was in, only she was from Oklahoma (who knew people actually lived there!) and she was a junior. We met in gym class and talked about how shit Virginia was together. It was a nice common ground and we understood that we weren't really best friends, but that each other's company would do for the time being until it was time for us to go our separate ways.

In between my alone time hating everything that was in Virginia and my time spent with my temporary friend, Lauren, I met Mendy. I can't remember exactly how we met each other and started talking, but I'm pretty sure it was during one of our many gym classes that we loathed. We would sit in the locker room getting changed into our gross uniforms and talk about how pointless physical education is for students in the 21st century; we'd be lucky if we burned off our calories from lunch. We also thought it was a bit hypocritical to have a gym teacher that closely resembled Fat Albert.

Immediately our friendship clicked into place like two pieces that had been waiting to find each other. She was so funny and smart and made me want to speak differently, more like how an educated adult might speak; and she helped me not feel so alone like the weird, awkward, small town outcast that I was. She was my soulmate, the one person who just got me immediately without having to ask any questions. We were inseparable, and yet at the same time we could go for long periods of not speaking to each other and not have the time apart make one bit of difference. We could so easily pick our friendship up right where we left off and slip back into the S&M (hehe dirrty) ways. We went to concerts (oh, so many fulfilling gigs we went to), we worked so hard to come to London, and in between we spent the rest of our time chilling by the pier in Alexandria, talking about the future, talking about life in general, and talking about when we would be free from our parents and living independently.

She is, to this day (aside from Mel who I've obviously known all my life), the only best friend I've had for longer than two years. Six years later after I made that unwilling move to the state I once despised, and we're still going strong like an old married couple. We've had our disagreements, the occasional argument, but more good times than bad. I would certainly not be who I am today without her.

I remember after I told her that I was going to try and move over here to London so I could be closer to Ash and start a new life away from all of my different ball and chains (i.e. Momma, my job, my boring routine life); she was not the happiest person and it took her a while to give me her support. The whole time we had always talked about how we were going to move away and live together. We would get jobs together and be poor college students together, and here I was just taking it upon myself to break our future plans without consulting her about it first. It was a strain on our friendship and probably the hardest hit we've ever taken.

Looking back on it now it's silly, because lord, we were so young. She was just seventeen, and there I was at nineteen going on twenty and our lives just felt so big as if we were at a major crossroads (god, that sounds so shit and cliché, but there's really no other way to describe it). But we were. We were leaving our teenage years behind us and welcoming a new chapter into a more adult life. Sure, we thought we spoke like adults and acted like adults, and for our age we were considerably mature, especially Mendy; she was always more like the adult between the two of us. However, we were still so inexperienced and didn't know shit about life. As much as we thought we were our own person, we heavily relied on each other. Breaking off all of our mutual plans left us alone in this great big world and that was terrifying for us both to accept.

Now we are certainly different people, we are both our own person, we both have moved away and have been living our own lives, creating our own rules and have that freedom that we both talked about so long ago. I am no longer in the firm grips of Momma and have a strong relationship with her now, and Mendy has been supporting herself, continuing her education and engaged.

Indeed. Engaged.

I've never met him, but I know Mendy, and I know she's a smart gal. I may not understand getting married at twenty-one, but I understand her, and I know that she wouldn't be doing it unless she was completely sure. And that's the thing about us -- we may not always agree or are on board straight away with each other's decisions, but that's only because we worry and are concerned for our friend. But the trust that we have in each other puts our worried thoughts to rest. I know she will only do things that she's ready for and from the sounds of things, they're really happy with each other, which is all I could ask for. I am there for her through the good and the bad, just as I know she is for me no matter what we get ourselves into.

Mendy: I really miss you, I miss our eternal conversations, I miss you being my soulmate. You've always been able to understand me like no one else. We have changed a lot, but in some ways I think we'll always be the same. I hope our friendship never changes.

Me: It's true, we have experienced many changes over the past couple of years but I believe the two of us will forever remain to be 19 and 17-years-old living in Alexandria. That part of me you have for eternity. It is something that I have never taken for granted.

Posted by Sam at 06:03 PM | Permalink

"Alright sexy?" he said as I walked past him down one of the many side streets in Kingston.

Ugh, just ignore him. Fucking chavs.

"Hey now, I'm just kidding. But you are sexy."

Oh yes, you modern day Casanova. That is exactly how I've dreamt of meeting the man whom I hope to share the rest of my life with. Can't you just picture us telling that story to our mutual friends at parties?

"Well, I was just walking to meet my friends at the pub, when who should walk by me and say those sweet words that I've been waiting to hear for so long!"

And here I thought that romance was dead.

I went out on Thursday to meet one of my friends, Josie, so we could go to the local "indie club" and have a good night out with the ladies. I really didn't have any expectations for the evening except to get reasonably drunk and have some laughs. Really it just turned into me getting rat-assed drunk and complaining about men and gosh! why I haven't I found him yet, huh? Where the fuck is my goddamned Prince Charming already?!

We went to two different pubs beforehand down by the river so we could have some pre-drinks and enjoy the warm summer evening that London rarely sees. Somehow I ended up chatting to a twenty-eight year old man named, Matt, who was engaged to a woman from New Zealand named, Katie. She didn't like kiwis apparently, which is just baffling, because I think kiwis are very tasty. He told us how he went about proposing to her (flowers, a trip to the opera, hotel room in Kensington) and how yeah, everyone says it, but when you know, you just know, you know?

Not so much, Matt. I can't say that I do know.

He was lovely, though, and it made my heart swell with butterflies and rainbows seeing him talk about her, and the sickly sweet smile that he couldn't help stretched across his newly engaged face. He said that they had only known each other for six months, but he knew that she was the one he wanted to be with forever.

Forever.

"Were you nervous?" I asked him.

"When I proposed? Oh hell yeah. I've never been more nervous about anything in my life," he said still with his wide smile.

"And you proper got down on one knee and everything?"

"Of course, yeah. There's no other way to do it."

"Did she cry?" I inquired as if I was some kind of wedding journalist.

"Yeah she did."

"Fucking tears of joy. That's just awesome."

I'm not sure why I feel like some kind of internal clock has been switched on inside of me, but recently it feels like I've just been on a man hunt. I've been living here for two years, and the majority of time I've been single. Yes, I've had flings. Yes, I've had one-night stands. Yes, I broke up with Ash after not even being back with him for a month. But for the most part, I've been solo. And I've been cool with that mostly. That's just who I was at the time. I never felt like I "needed" to have a boyfriend or be another half of a couple. I would see my friends argue with their significant others and think, "fucking hell I'm glad I don't have to deal with that shit."

But recently I've been thinking that I wouldn't mind to have someone to bicker about petty things with. It makes me worry, though, because I don't want to come off as one of those disgusting desperate women that needs to be with a man, needs to be in a relationship and desperately needs that attention. I'm not desperate. I don't need any of that. I would just like it. It seems nice. And I kind of miss being on the arm of someone.

One of my worst personality traits, aside from procrastination and hitting people when I get overly excited, is that I'm impatient. I am quite possibly the most impatient person on earth. I know of no such things like "delayed gratification" or "good things come to those who wait." No, I want it now, do you hear me? RIGHT. NOW. And if I don't get it, my head will start swelling until it explodes right off of my shoulders and all over your shirt that is dry clean only. That is how I look at this whole new "development" if you can even call it that: it's not me being "desperate," but rather "impatient". It's not like I can just run down to the shop and pick up the first man that I see and want. They're not puppies.

Although saying that, how cool would it be if you could do that? Just pop down to your local shop and buy a boy/girlfriend? Weird, but cool.

When I was single and wanted to be single, it was easy for me because I was the only person I needed to worry about. When I wanted a warm body, I went out and got one, then swiftly forgot about them the next day as they shut the door. At the time, that's what I wanted. I didn't want anything serious to tie me down. I liked being able to traipse around the city either on my lonesome or with my ladies. Now I don't want that. I want to share my city lover with another person, walk around the city together, go out together, and really be together.

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Matt said to me towards the end of our conversation. "Being single is great, and you're still young. Live it up while you can."

It's true, being single comes with its perks. However, there are quite a few downsides that make it more unattractive when you're in the frame of mind that I've been in for the past couple of weeks. Going out, shoving your way to the bar and fighting off nineteen-year-olds that spill your drink all over your shoes just so they can ask the bartender that they know why he didn't text them back, is no longer joyous for me. It's a pain in the ass and makes me want to take those girls aside and give them a good talkin' to about waiting in line and respecting those that are older than them.

Posted by Sam at 04:21 PM | Permalink

So, like, I live in London, but I never post any pictures, because to be quite honest, I'm lazy. But I was going through some old photos when I found these pics of the flat that I took when it was nice and clean for Momma and Mel. Turns out us students like to live extremely minimal. We spend our money on alcohol, not trinkets to furnish our flat with. We'd probably break it anyway when we were drunk.

Yep. So that's where I live at the moment. Hopefully I'll post pictures every now and again, because it's good to have a mental image, rather than me just blathering on and not using my adjectives properly.

Posted by Sam at 03:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I think I'm a non-smoker.

I'm not entirely sure why or when it happened, but suddenly, I no longer had the need inside me to light up every day and inhale all of that harmful smoke that at the time felt oh so damn good. The last time I bought a pack of cigarettes was a month ago, and over those four weeks I've been slowly phasing cigarettes out. I've got one left in my pocket-book just because, well, it's just there. And yeah, I get the odd pang every so often (I've actually got a mini craving now simply because I'm writing about it) to stand outside and let the wind sweep my hair all around my face as I slowly suck on my filtered cigarette. I'm not sure those pangs will ever go away; once a smoker always a smoker in my book.

I wonder if this is a phase that I'm going through, this non-smoker phase that I'm trying on for size and seeing if I can actually make it, manage to sustain and deal with my nerves without the aid of those fantastic miniature crutches. I have gone through plenty of non-smoker phases every so often, but they only lasted for about three days until I began to smoke regularly once again.

But this is the longest I've been without regularly smoking at certain points during the day. I used to always smoke after I ate, or while I had a drink in hand. I smoked when I was bored, when I was writing, when I was just sitting around and watching DVDs. Smoking was always there, and now it's just slowly petered out. I've smoked those cigarettes that I bought a month ago and they've spanned out whenever I thought that I should smoke. Yes. I need a cigarette now. I just ate a giant meal. Now would be a good time for a fag.

So I lit up, and didn't like it. All of a sudden I didn't find them as beautiful as I once did. I didn't enjoy the smell anymore, I didn't enjoy pulling that smoke inside of my mouth, down my throat into my lungs and inhaling so deeply to make sure that I soaked up every last drop of nicotine. I didn't like drinking with them dangling from my fingertips. I didn't like the way I looked when I exhaled. They were revolting. Smoking had all of a sudden become disgusting and I thought fucking hell I can't believe I've been smoking since I was sixteen. That's a long time to be looking like an old disgusting hag.

I watched other people smoke when I was out and about and they looked filthy surrounded by that loitering cloud. I could see the small particles cling to their clothes, wrap around their fingers and comb through their hair. It was nasty. I hated walking by smoke recepticles that gave off that stale stench of old cigarette butts. How did I get duped into thinking that smoking was so glamorous?

To replace my dirty habit, I've picked up a new one: drinking Diet Coke. It has to be in a can (the ones in plastic bottles taste different to me) and I drink at least one every single day. Sometimes I'll have two, but I'm trying to keep it down to just the one a day. I don't want that to get out of control as well. And as always I'm constantly chewing gum because if I don't have gum I'll freak out and kill someone.

I try not to think too much about me being a "non-smoker" because truthfully, I doubt I'll ever properly quit. I'm sure down the road I'll have the odd cigarette here and there just for the sake of Good Old Times, but as far as me huffing and puffing on twenty cigarettes every other day? I think those days are past me.

As I say good-bye to an old friend that harmed me, I've also lost the need to go out and get proper wrecked on alcohol and drugs. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all about getting drunk and dancing my ass off. I don't believe that I'll ever get tired of that. But as far as the drugs go, um, no thanks. Even when I was poor I always thought I could go for a gram of coke or buy a Henry, just because I thought it would make me feel better, but alas, that feeling has dissipated inside of me as well. I'm not sure why I found the tragic life of being constantly strung out attractive and glamorous, but there was a time not so long ago that I would have sold my left kidney just to chill with the white lady. It's sad, but true.

Perhaps it's because I'm a wee bit older than when I first moved away from home, and with age comes experience and perspective. I had my time of "fun" and now I'm over it. I no longer want to wake up late in the day with my nose blocked up and feeling like it has been turned inside out because I once again snorted an entire fucking gram of powder. I hate getting stoned because it makes me too fucking paranoid and I'm tired of feeling out of control and wasting my money on a temporary fix that doesn't fix shit. I don't want to escape my reality any longer, but rather live in it and enjoy it. I'm not sure why I was so scared of it in the first place, but it's really not a terrible place to be.

Last summer was hard for me for so many reasons, but when I got back to my city lover I thought my second year was going to be exactly like my first year: crazy, mental, a whirlwind of drugs, alcohol and promiscuous sex. Goddamn those were the days, the fucking good days when I was out every night meeting new people left and right and never giving my body the rest that it needed, that it used to scream out at me in furious pain and I ignored because hey, I can handle it. I'm Sam. I can handle anything.

My second year of uni was nothing like first year. It was shit. It sucked. I was depressed and poor for 3/4ths of the time, and it was mostly my fault. And I actually thought, 'fuck, if I only had a gram...'

This summer has been much better for me. I'm still with my city lover and while I do occasionally go out from time to time to dance as the evening sun sinks below the buildings, I'm not as wild as I was only a few short months ago. I'm not as depressed which is just a blessing. Being in those dark corners of my mind last year was a scary place and I thought I'd never see the end. I've had plenty of good nights alone, which is something that I've learned I can do and be okay with it. I'm still trying to clean up my debts, but when that's taken care of I can finally say good-bye to the year that nearly killed me, and it can take my bad habits with it as I walk away with my middle finger pointing straight up to the sky.

I'm not sure what my third and final year holds for me, but I know I'm walking into it with a lot more confidence that I've built for myself, and with a clear mind that knows what I want; I know I want to do really well, to spend a hell of a lot more time writing and to keep a part-time job (which I'm sure I can easily do with the help of Simon). I want to read a full library of books, really make an effort in my classes and stay focused. Of course I want to have fun, go out and take care of my wee freshers, but I know I don't have to live excessively all the time. But mostly I just want to enjoy myself and be happy. Third time's a charm, eh?

Posted by Sam at 12:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I remember the first foursome I ever had. Well, the only foursome to be correct. It wasn't long after Ash and I had broken up the first time, and I was left alone in a giant building with nearly three-hundred middle-aged men that always stared at me while I typed prettily behind my desk. They disgusted me and I always said no matter how desperate I got, I'd never touch any of them with a barge pole. Aside from the interns who only came around during the summertime, I was the youngest person there at the ripe old age of twenty. I'd prance around the office in my cute outfits, teetering on my designer heels and knew that the majority of the men that I came in contact with could barely speak without chewing on their own tongues. It never made me uncomfortable, but more angry that I couldn't even go into work without having to swat off their inappropriate comments about my tiny size, my young legs that easily carried me everywhere and their accusations that I teased them simply with my presence.

But back to the foursome. I was "tricked" into it, and because I was pathetically naive back then, I didn't understand what G meant when he kept on asking my friend, Sarah, if I was "cool".

"Is she cool?" he kept asking her. And Sarah kept on reassuring him that, yeah, I was totally cool.

After G left us outside in the suffocating Virginia heat, Sarah asked me if I wanted to go out to a happy hour. Of course I agreed, because when do I ever turn down a chance to get rat assed drunk? I don't. She told me that we were all going to meet up at seven after work and that her and I could meet at work and then drive over to the bar together. It sounded just like every other happy hour except she told me not to tell anyone else about it.

"We want to keep it quiet, you know, only a select few that don't piss us off," she explained to me. And it made sense. It sounded fine to me, and I was glad that I wasn't going to have to listen to Earl ramble on about his pyramid scheme and try to convince me to buy his book on money saving strategies.

Seven o'clock rolled around and I met Sarah in the work parking lot, just like she said and told me that we were going to meet G and another guy, C, at their hotel. Apparently all of the bars were strict on carding on this particular evening and they thought it would be safer, since I was still underaged, if we just hung out at their hotel room and drink beer. I wasn't too keen at first, but Sarah said that it would be fine and it'd be fun.

So there we sat, just the four of us, in G's hotel room drinking light beer and watching Deadwood on HBO. I felt like I was back in high school, awkward and unsure of what to do. I didn't even like beer. Where was the vodka? Or the southern comfort? Or hell, even the tequila? I nursed one beer for about an hour and that was all I drank the entire evening leaving me stone cold sober.

I'm not entirely sure how anything got started either. It just seemed like one minute we were watching TV and the next Sarah was sitting on top of G's lap making out with him.

Huh. So they're like that. That's cool, I thought to myself. I knew that Sarah was separated from her husband and on the side she would hook up with random co-workers whenever she felt like it. I never judged her; I could care less who she slept with. Of course there wasn't much left for C and me to do except sit there and make even more awkward small talk.

C told me that he had never done anything like this before, and the only reason why he even considered it was because G said that it would help his marriage.

"Do what?" I asked him stupidly.

"You know. This."

I sat there trying to grasp onto what he was saying and it finally smacked me right in the face when Sarah lead G into the bedroom part of the room and tossed her top aside.

Ohhh....wait a second. I'm supposed to be - with C - here? Now? Oh god.

I could have gotten up and said no thanks, it's not my bag of goodies. I could have left. Nobody was forcing me to stay there and participate. But for some reason I stayed. I stayed and I let C take my halter top off, and we shared the bed with Sarah and G only to switch partners halfway through.

To this day I'm unsure of why I stayed. I was completely sober and if I had it my way I would have been out my face or on my drug of choice, but that wasn't an option. I don't even remember much of anything except that I didn't like it, I faked it the entire time and didn't even feel like I was a part of the whole thing.

A couple of days after the whole ordeal, I sent one of my favorite bloggers an email describing the entire evening and asked her for advice, for guidance, for support. I told her that the whole time I didn't feel like I was there; it was as if I was hovering above near the ceiling and watching some other person inhabit my body, and I observed the entire thing from a bird's eye view. I told her that I didn't have anyone to talk to, anyone who wouldn't judge me; I mean, I had just slept with two married men and a married woman (who, yes, was technically separated). I was confused and felt entirely alone.

She sent me a full response that helped me find the light at the end of my mental tunnel. There was so much in her response, but there was one part in particular that stood out to me and to this day I live by her words:

I think the best gift you can give yourself is a blank check to make mistakes. Forgiveness is divine, and finding the divinity within yourself is crucial.

Those words were exactly what I needed to help me move past that situation and not make it out to be some kind of huge deal. I had had a foursome. So what? Okay, they were married, but that was their problem to deal with, not mine. I even forgave Sarah for not telling me the whole truth about what was already planned for the night, and told her that in the future she could trust that I wouldn't freak out and go mental on her. I was capable of handling those situations, but I'd like to be prepared for them beforehand. I like to be kept in the loop.

I took that night and my mentor's words and decided right then and there that I wasn't going to feel bad about my mistakes any longer, whether they be sexual or not. I was young, single and allowed myself to live freely without reservations. It made me brave. It occasionally made me reckless when I wasn't in a sober mind. And it enabled me to live with myself and be okay with the life that I was carving out day by day.

Now, almost three years after I sent her that email, I'm happier with myself than I ever was back in VA, or with any of those old perverts that fantasized about me and fucked me to feel younger and better about themselves, regardless of how I felt. I feel more in control of my life and comfortable in my own skin. I know there's still a lot of things that I need to come to terms with, but I'm sure I will with due time. But I've had my time alone, I've had my one-night stands, I've had my fair share of drunken encounters and drug/booze infused nights. For so long I was scared to allow someone into my heart, so I kept them at arm's length and felt more in control when I was emotionally detached from them. Now I just want someone who will look me in the eyes when we lay together. Finally I can say that I'm ready for that.

Posted by Sam at 12:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I don't buy much 'stuff' these days. With the majority of my money going towards rent and back rent that I owe, the only stuff that I buy is stuff that I need.

Yeah, I would look fit in that dress, but I kind of want to have money to eat this week. Although, if I don't eat, I'd probably look a lot better in it.

Then I remember that food is necessary to live, and I want to look hot in the dress, not be buried in it.

So when I received my care package boxes from Momma and Mel last Thursday and Friday, I was really excited to have stuff that I don't necessarily need, but want nonetheless. Mel was awesome and hooked me up with some of my favorite magazines (Vogue, Cosmopolitan and Us Weekly), I got two new pairs of cute pajamas, dvds and six new books that should keep me very busy for the remainder of this summer. I also got a mountain of Kraft mac 'n' cheese (hello Velveeta!), who knows how many packets of gravy, plus many more packets and boxes of cookies and brownies (so much for being healthy; when I have Duncan Hines in my possession, all reason goes out the window).

I was so excited just to have new stuff, to see new stuff to have it all be mine. It was like I had a massive shopping trip at Target and I wasn't even in my small flat in London anymore; I was back in Virginia making dinner with the TV on in the background (or in this case, Bridget since we don't have a TV).

Friday night it was raining outside. I could hear it lightly tap on the window. I was alone in the flat since Helen was working, and I thought that being at home by myself isn't so terrible these days. I think I'm slowly adjusting and getting used to it. It's nice to have the flat to myself every so often, to clean and have everything stay clean for more than an hour. Occasionally I walk around in just my underwear. Why? Because I'm alone and I can. I pee with the door open. I listen to my music loud and sing along even if I can't hit all of the high notes. I dance. Lord do I dance.

It's fun.

With my new boxes full of stuff, this Friday night was especially nice for me. I changed into a pair of my new pajamas. I made mac 'n' cheese, and only mac 'n' cheese. I read my Us Weekly magazine from cover to cover, while listening to my iPod and singing loudly hoping that the neighbors could hear me. After my mac 'n' cheese was ready to eat, I put in the first disc of Weeds Season 3 and watched a couple of episodes back-to-back, hysterically laughing out loud and talking to the screen as if the characters could hear me. I didn't want to watch them all in one go, though. I wanted to save some episodes and slowly savior them all since I wasn't sure when my next box of stuff would be coming. Instead I opened up one of my new books and read deep into every page for hours until it was a little past midnight and my eyelids were slowly falling over my eyes.

I considered it to be one of the best Friday nights I've had in a long time alone. I didn't get dressed for a night out. I didn't spend any money. I didn't drink myself into oblivion. And more importantly, I resisted the peen.

Of course I enjoy going out, partying and getting lost in the London haze. But on this particular Friday night, I had a better time indoors sitting on the settee alone in my new jammies and listening to the rain.

Posted by Sam at 02:29 PM | Permalink

X needs no introduction. Thank you, sir, for writing this guest post. I can only hope that someday you will grace the internet with your writing again.

***

I have my faults, but I never hesitate to apologise when I am in the wrong. I started to compose a new email.

Sorry for being so immature last time we spoke. Just want to clear the air.

I sent it.

Her response wasn’t as quick as it had once been. It used to be that, back when we were absolutely and sickly infatuated with each other, we used to bounce messages back and forth, dozens every day. She’d never admit it if you asked her, but she used to love hearing from me. The timestamps on the messages made me feel as though she did nothing but sit, prettily waiting in front of her computer, checking her inbox for a message telling her how I couldn’t wait for the next time I’d see her, then reply and tell me how much she couldn’t wait to have me hold her tightly in a strong embrace.

Things had changed since then. We’d grown distant recently, alternating between blowing up at one another in bitter arguments and ignoring each other. I had almost forgotten that I had sent her an email by the time I’d received a reply:

There is nothing to “clear”. Leave me alone.

Where I pride myself on not holding a grudge, she apparently hadn’t gotten over me breaking up with her and fucking her best friend.

I don’t claim to be an expert on relationships because given my track record, claiming such a thing would make me a liar, and a liar is not something I claim to be. I am, despite that, treated as though I am a relationship expert, and people often come to me with questions, the people mostly being girls seeking to improve their understanding of the opposite sex. One thing I am asked over and over again by girls is, “where is this going?”

It is, despite its appearance, a valid question. It is valid in the sense that an answer can be given, much like the similar questions, “what is your problem?” or “can a fist actually fit in there?” Much like with those questions, however, a straightforward answer is rarely possible, and much explanation is often required.

I can preface the following with “no word of a lie”: every time I have been asked where “this” is going, I had not thought about the destination of “this” until that exact moment. The reason for that is that the endpoint of “this” only seems to become an issue to women after they create a situation in which there is no concrete reason for men to care about where “this” is going. If you’ve just implored me to push three of my fingers in your vagina in an alleyway (and my fingers are not small, trust Amanda on that one) then it’s highly likely that I don’t want things to get any more complicated than they already are. I’m not sure your vagina could take the four-finger salute without adequate preparation.

While fitting four of my fingers inside that girl’s snatch proved difficult but eventually possible, it has become harder and harder to say the same about picking up women these days. There’s no challenge left in it any more. If there’s any one thing about a woman that sets me after her, it’s her not being easy. It’s not solely about being pretty, it’s about being attractive, and believe me, your sale price for the cow is definitely not looking attractive when you’re round every morning delivering your milk to my stoep.

By all means, ladies, if you want to score, go for it. (Sam’s got my number.*) All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t try to use sex as some sort of bait to try and trap a guy into a relationship. As the old saying goes, how can you expect a guy to respect you if you don’t respect him? Or even yourself, for that matter?

And that’s all it really boils down to. What I’m really on about here is treating yourselves the way you’d like to be treated: with some fucking respect. Otherwise he might end up in a relationship with that hot best friend of yours whose legs weren’t so easy to part in the first instance.

---X

* I’m just kidding. My girlfriend is better-looking and smarter than you, whoever you are.

---------------------------------

Trish, my fellow American, my Virginian lover, my English sidekick. You are too random and hilarious for your own good. I miss you. Thanks for writing this for me, Poodle.

***

How does one describe a girl who gets so drunk that she doesn’t even remember her own flatmate because she dyed her hair brown? Well, I guess that would be a good way to.

Ahh, I remember the day I met Samantha ------, in the smoking room of the airport because the Customs Woman made me cry. Bitch. She, ever so shyly, came up to me and asked me for a lighter. Little did she know, that I possessed no lighter, but in fact matches. I would hope that they would have suited her, and they did. The rest of the time was spent smoking cigarettes. Hers, might I add. Cause I had none. And I probably still to this day owe her loads of cigarettes. I should bring her back a carton. Effort. During that first encounter, we judged each other. Harshly. Because that’s what we do. She thought I was one of those ditzy bitches who’s vindictive and malicious. And to be fair, I am. Sort of. I’m more blunt then anything, and I shant lie when you ask me a question, even if it's mean. Then I judged her. Probably hasn’t left her computer for 14 years. This is a first for her, leaving the house and all, I thought to myself. Here’s the kicker:

I, too, “haven’t left my computer for 14 years” and she, too, is “one of those ditzy bitches who’s vindictive and malicious”.

Here’s another kicker, just cause I like saying the word.

Turns out, she’s a computer geek, in a that-could-probably-get you-somewhere-in-life.
I play World of Warcraft.

And the whole bitch thing? In this case, I’m totally better than her. Only because I’m nice to people when they drop their bags in the middle of the tube station. Samantha walks right by cause it ain’t her business. I feel compelled. She goes up to people and yells at them when she’s drunk simply because she is drunk. And bored.

Samantha is the kind of girl that I can walk into the Bop with, when it’s covered in confederate flags everywhere, and we think to ourselves silently “we’re home”. But we know we’re thinking it. We have silent conversations. FREAKS.

She and I both, however, are slowly but surely, becoming Blair and Serena. No idea who’s who, but we’re doing it.

She got me to start blogging again. I haven’t done it much, but I do it. She’s convinced me to diet with her, and to smoke less, and we gossip behind people’s back within earshot. She has introduced too many T.V. shows that I have missed out on. And what have I done for her?

Stolen her cigarettes. I know. I’m awesome. But I knew you’d miss it! (HAH! MEL TOLD ME!)

We scare people. No, seriously, we scare people. Pete got scared. Swindon got scared. I’m pretty sure half the University knows us as “those two americans” or “those two yanks”. Can I just make this clear? We are not yanks. There, I said it.

God I can’t wait for my Chinese food to get here. OH! It’s here!

It’s funny whenever people type like that because it seems like I typed it out all together, but really, there was a good 15 - 30 seconds where I was just staring at the door like a weirdo.

We’re the kind of people who say to each other “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then come sit in the corner with me and talk shit about everyone”. But at the same time, we’re also the kind of people that say to each other, “I love you, but if zombies come after us, I’m tripping you”.

So much love.

The rest of the years that I have known her were filled with alcohol and boys. Stupid, stupid creatures with their stupid, stupid…alcoholness.

Annnnyhoo, it wasn’t until 2nd year where we became as close as we are now, and I learned the truth about Samantha:

She’s a blogger. And a drunk. And lazy.

But I knew those last two in the first year. And yes, I am aware that I have misused the use of a colon (hehe..dirty). But you know what? I don’t care. And do you, fellow reader, know why?

Because I am hung over.

SO, when Samantha asked me to write this entry for her, I felt no less than honoured. I just want to take a minute here to say that yes, this really is how I am in real life. Samantha is a dear friend who feeds me when I am hungry, gives me drinks when I am thirsty, and feeds me addiction when I am fiending. Such. A good. Friend.

Every bumper sticker that you see on our profiles on Facebook from each other, is totally us. I mean totally and completely.

So this is my ode to you. I love you Samantha -----. One day, we will have our babies. But please, please don’t tell my children that Free Willy is dead.

Posted by Sam at 12:01 AM | Permalink

One o'clock on Saturday afternoon and my phone rang. I thought it was Alex to talk about our funny evening; getting drunk in an Australian pub whilst dancing to Jamaican music on the 4th of July is funny. FUNNY.

"Hello," I answered in my sleepy voice.

"Hey, Sam. It's X," the voice replied.

Not Alex! It's not Alex. Quick, sound alive like you're not hungover. Oh, X doesn't care. He knows about your drunken ways. He made a comment about how I sounded like I had just woken up anyway, so it's not like I could have disguised it even if I tried.

We made plans for my first ever blogger meet. Back in the day, X used to write on his blog called october4th, but closed up shop, because "not having any drama" gave him zero writing material, which I highly doubt. I always enjoyed reading X's words, no matter what it was about. I remember ages ago as well when I first moved over here, he sent me an email saying that if I ever wanted to meet up to give him a shout, but because I'm lame and got caught up in my own little world, we never did. We decided to meet up on Sunday around 3ish at Victoria station. I could manage that. Afterall, I had been to Victoria station once to pick up a friend a little over a year ago. No biggie.

Helen mentioned that I could take the 170 straight to Victoria and not have to spend extra on the train. It would be a little bit of a journey, but when did I ever hate long bus journeys where I could stare out the window and listen to my iPod? I love that kind of shit!

I wasn't even on the bus ten minutes when we ran into scary traffic and I thought, now is exactly the time I hate being on long bus journeys. Traffic is always annoying, and it's even more annoying when the weather is being typically English: rainy, cold and windy. X rang me while we were paused on a ramp and told me that he had just missed his train and might be a little late.

"That's alright, I think I'm going to be late too," I told him.

"Well we can be late together then."

During the hour long bus journey, I didn't really think much about 'the meeting'. It didn't exactly feel like a 'blogger meet' rather than just me finally meeting someone that I've already 'mentally met' in my own head. I do that with all of the bloggers that I read -- we've already met, I already know them, and I'm sure that they already know me. I talk about them to all of my friends as if we've known each other for years and keep in contact over the internet. Why do I do this? Because I'm strange I guess.

I also had no idea what we were going to do in Central. I don't usually go to Central during the daylight hours. If you want to know of any good places to go clubbing and for drinks though, then I'm the girl to ask. Roadhouse in Covent Garden? AfterSkool at The Quad? Koko in Camden? Zoo Bar in Leicester Square? I'm all over that shit. But during the daytime, I'm useless.

I actually made it to Victoria on time, and smoked a cigarette before I went inside the huge station. I stood around for a little while until I started getting funny looks from some of the workers. I guess they thought I was going to cause some kind of trouble, because I must look like the trouble-makin'-kind. I went into the larger area of the train station with all of the shops and scouted the place for the bathroom. I figured I could kill time by emptying my bladder, but decided that paying 30p to pee was ridiculous. I wondered what would happen if someone was really desperate and didn't have 30p to pee? What then? Would people get offended if they took care of business in public? They really couldn't get angry; it's their fault for charging the public to do something that is natural and they can't really help.

After a while of waiting and watching the pigeons walk around, my phone started vibrating and I saw that it was X calling. He had arrived and asked me where I was.

"Um, I'm in that big, open space by the toilets."

"Right, that's a little vague."

"I don't know, the place with the big board with the numbers on it."

I am shit.

"Okay, what shops are you near?"

"Oh right! Well, there's HMV, WHSmith, Monsoon."

"Well I'm near WHSmith. I don't see you. Jump up and wave or something."

"No! People will think I'm a mentalist. Oh wait, I see you."

And then what did I do? I waved like a mentalist. And as I was walking toward him, all I kept on repeating to myself in my head was, don't call him X. Don't call him X. He has a real name.

From there, we kind of just walked around Central for about two hours and chatted about random things. It was really cool. He knew all of the names of all of the popular streets and knew which direction they went. I just walked around aimlessly and took the most complicated routes around all of the different people, which X pointed out to me. What can I say? I'm a complicated woman.

We stopped into his favorite record shop, and I could tell why he loved it so much: because it fucking rocks. If I wasn't poor and saving money, I would have loved to do some damage to my bank account in there, but alas, the lightness of my purse reminded me that I would need to save it for another day.

Whilst walking around though, it began to rain and we decided to tuck into of one of the Virgin Record stores. In the bottom basement area, they were having a serious sale on CDs, books and DVDs; you could get a CD for £2! And books for 50p! Honestly, it was practically like we were robbing the place. However, after a quick glance at the items that were on sale, we could see why they were so cheap -- most of it was shit. They had about twenty albums in some weird language that X apparently knew how to speak, and there were albums with titles like "Even better than the original!" by cover bands. Awful. Although, I really could have gone for the Olivia Newton John album (Xanadu was on there!) and the best of the Bee Gees (nothing from Saturday Night Fever, though, so we didn't see how it could be 'the best').

In the end, I managed to get an Oasis album that I don't have for £2, and X got a book for 50p. It was pretty good, and right up our price range.

I had to pee so we stopped into one of the many McDonald's where I didn't have to pay anything to use the toilet, as it should be. After that, though, X told me that he had to dart because it was getting near his bedtime (early dude!). It was probably good that I was heading back then, though, because while I was on the train back to my side of London, I recieved a text message from a nervous Helen that simply said, Yo sam i'm worried. Just give me a txt. Just as I was typing up my reply, she began to ring me.

"Hey honey, what's up? What's wrong?" I asked her.

"You're okay?

"Of course I'm okay. What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I was just getting myself all worked up and in a panic. You know how my paranoid brain is. I just was really groggy when you left this morning, and didn't even ask where you were going, or what you guys were doing. And I thought, 'what do I know about this guy? Nothing! What does Sam know?' He could be chopping her up into little bits and hiding her in a floorboard somewhere! I'm a terrible friend! Honestly, if you hadn't answered, I might have called the police."

"Honey! Aw, bless your heart. No, no I'm fine, and alive. It's okay, really. I had a good time. X is lovely, and not a murderer." If I could have, I would have reached through the phone and gave my care bear a hug.

Later on that day, she told me that she had had a really bad dream that left her shaken up.

"You know how sometimes when you dream something like that, it really affects you? Well, the logical part of my brain kept on telling me, 'Helen, she's fine. She's just out having a good time and will text you later.' But the paranoid part of my brain, that little one percent was telling me that you were getting cut up and put in a freezer somewhere. See? I don't just stress over boys. I stress over my friends as well."

As I was talking to her, my phone started ringing upstairs. Alex tried calling me, so before I went to sleep I gave her a quick ring back.

"Hey honey, what's up?" I said.

"Nothing much. Just got off work and wanted to see how you are, how your day was?" she asked me.

"It was really good, I had a nice time. I just hope he doesn't think I'm crazy. I tend to ramble a lot and talk about random stuff. Poor Helen, though, she thought that I was dead somewhere. Bless her."

"Yeah, me too! That's why I'm calling; I was just a little concerned. I mean, you've never met the guy before, and Central is a big place."

I didn't bother explaining that I had already 'mentally met' him. I don't think she would have understood my logic. Instead I reassured her that X was a really cool fellow blogger, a really cool guy, and that she had nothing to worry about. I love my worrying friends.

All in all, I would consider it to be a good first London blogger meeting. I've already told him the next time he should come round to my neck of the woods, and I'll show him my side of London. I'll even go to east London if he doesn't mind this crazy American walking around his town, probably embarrassing him because I have no sense of direction. London is such a big place; I should cover as much ground as possible. But I'm thinking we should go to my London first. One word for you X: Yogo. And it has nothing to do with NASCAR.

Posted by Sam at 02:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Monday and Tuesday I should have just stayed at home, since I was only in work for a total of ten hours. Our servers crashed early on Monday afternoon and we all went home seeing as we didn't have any work to do, and I couldn't be bothered to stay inside any longer with the sun shining. Tuesday I left early anyway because I had planned over the weekend to leave early on Tuesday and enjoy the hot sunshine that we haven't seen much of recently.

Yeah, I've totally been climatized by living over here for so long. I was used to hot, humid days that left me feeling sticky and craving the air conditioned buildings of Virginia; now whenever I see that the temperatures are over 75 degrees (22C about, I think), I freak out and mentally start putting together my cutest summer outfits. Yesterday was the first time in a long time that we were in the very low 80s (27C!) and I wasn't going to spend my day stuck inside inputting data at a desk. I have a second job that I like to call Tanning, and I had missed too many days already.

I came in, quickly did all of my 200 records that I usually stretch over the entire day, and left as soon as the clock hit 12:30. I was going to Richmond park with Alex and Lizzie, and it was going to be brilliant.

It was a brilliant day as well. I love just laying out in the sun in nothing but my bathing suit and drifting off to sleep listening to my iPod. Occasionally I'll move so I can flip over and bake my other side, but other than that, nothing. I don't speak; I don't move; I simply soak up every sunshine ray that I possibly can and feel my skin tingle under the harsh sunlight. It's fantastic. All I needed was a pool and I would have been in heaven.

The thing I love most about Richmond park is the fact that it's so huge and has deer roaming around everywhere. The minute you step into the gates, you just see herds of deer walking about and minding their business. They're harmless so long as you don't charge up to them. One time while I was laying out, a small group of about six or seven were napping in the shade right next to me for about two hours until I it was time for me to go. They were so close that I could smell their pungent scent and it reminded me of going to the zoo.

One time, we saw some random ducks waddle past us as well. People bring their dogs down to run around, and you'll see loads of people dotted all over the grassy stretches either tanning, having picnics or reading. It's so lovely.

We stayed in the park for a couple of hours and then left after around five, because Alex needed to pee and I couldn't handle having all of the little bugs landing on my legs and getting stuck to the tanning lotion. We walked all the way back home, bought a Calippo ice lolly on the way and I had a shower immediately after I got back to the flat. I had definitely caught the sun on my arms, chest and face, but my legs could have done with a bit more time.

I was supposed to go round to Alex's house so we could order chinese takaway, but I fell asleep after my shower and was woken up when she called me.

"We're ordering the food, do you want anything?"

"Um, some of those chicken ball things, and that chicken noodle stuff," I grumbled to her.

"Okay. We're going to watch a film, so get over here."

"I wil, I will. I'm awake. I promise."

I know I said I was going to be healthier and all that, and for the most part I have been, cutting out all of the bad snack foods that I munch on during the day, but after spending many hours under the hot sun, eating chinese food is quite possibly one of the nicest things ever. And watching American Pie Wedding. It wasn't even ten o'clock when the film finished, but I went back next door, did my washing up in the kitchen and then fell back asleep. It was just an all round really nice day, and I was glad to have been out and about rather than merging council records together.

Today it's back to overcast weather and the clouds tease us all down below making us guess whether or not it'll rain. I'm not too bothered by it though. I have my umbrella in my bag and look like I've just gotten back from a mini holiday. Sadly, I have to stay at work to make up the hours I lost on Monday and yesterday, but it was totally worth it. I'll be able to catch up on records, blogs and reading until it's time for me to head on back home.

Posted by Sam at 11:15 AM | Permalink

Another Friday has come and gone, and I'm back in the flat, chilling alone. Well, I suppose I'm not really alone, if you count the little kids that live across the way in the back. They're so loud they might as well be playing right here in the kitchen. Noisy bastards.

I stopped off in Putney this afternoon so that I could pay some of the rent that has been accumulating since February and then rushed home so I could finally eat my lunch that I had been carrying for over an hour, which I bought after I had gotten off of work at 1:30. Since I only have to work thirty-six hours each week, I generally leave in the early afternoon every Friday. It's nice. I'm able to come home and get things finished that have been piling up throughout the week.

But today I came home to an empty flat since Helen was at work and Trish left this morning to go back to VA for the summer. It seems emptier now that she's gone. She's not just away visiting her boyfriend, Will, for the weekend. She's gone. In a plane. Somewhere over the ocean right about now.

And for some reason, even though people have been slowly leaving one by one to go back home, it doesn't feel real to me. Zoe was the first to fly away to Greece for her summer, Carlene left a little over a week ago (not that I was bothered by it much), and now Trish has packed her things up as well and flown the coop. It's just Helen, Alex and myself now, although with their work shifts being opposite to mine, I hardly see them either. It just feels like we're on some kind of extended holiday and when it's over, uni will be going on again, everyone will be back under the same roof like always, and the house will be buzzing with noise once more.

Last night, Trish and I were hanging out in the lounge, as we usually do, and put these moisturizing face masks on that we said we would do all week. We watched, When Harry Met Sally and afterwards she started to finish the rest of her packing.

"Can you help me pack my things please?" she hollered from her room.

"No," I told her while I was stood at the sink washing dishes.

"You suck."

It just didn't feel right. None of it. It felt weird and off. She wasn't really packing her entire room up because she was moving out. She was just doing a really intense spring cleaning. That was all. Why did I need to help her clean her room?

When I finished the dishes, though, and it was time for me to head upstairs and go to bed, we said our goodbye's, gave each other a hug, and that was it. I wouldn't see her for two months. But I could still hear her from my room upstairs while she was on the phone to Will.

I was confused by it all. I know I'll see her again, but generally when I don't see people for long periods of time, I say goodbye to them in an airport, properly, maybe have a bit of a cry and then that's it. They're gone. I'm not wearing my pajamas and then head upstairs to go to sleep. It was all backwards and felt like I was in some kind of weird dream that didn't make any sense.

When I woke up, I got ready for work as usual, came downstairs to eat breakfast as usual, and paused by my baby's door.

She's still here, I thought to myself. She wasn't actually leaving to go back home.

But when I came back home after my trip into Putney, I definitely knew that she was gone. I didn't feel her in the flat anymore. I didn't hear her on her laptop or see her in the balcony doorway smoking a cigarette. She was definitely gone. And already after a few short hours, I miss one of my best friends.

I started thinking about Helen and Zoe. If this is how I feel about Trish who is only going to be gone for two months, what am I going to do when Helen and Zoe have left the country for an entire year? What am I going to do after uni is over and we all split up and go our different ways into the careers that we've been working for? What are we all going to do?

It's a mixture of sadness and weirdness to think about. Right now I know that Helen is still here living in the flat with me. Right now I know that I'll see Zoe at the end of this summer. Right now I know I'll be living in the same house with Trish in our third and final years.

Right now.

But after it's over, after uni is finished, after everything is done and completed, then what? If I'm already missing Trish and it has only been a few hours, what am I going to be like later on down the road? A fucking emotional train wreck probably.

I've always said that Helen, Zoe and Trish were my three best friends that I've made since I've moved here. If it wasn't for those three ladies, I wouldn't have made it. I would have probably gotten on the first plane back to Virginia after two months of trying to make English life work for me and cried to Momma about how much of a failure I am. But those three have made living here incredible. My American side-kick, Trish, my Irish party animal, Zoe, and my mental savior, Helen. They're my family here. I only hope they think of me the same way and I measure up in their eyes.

Right now I'm just sitting in the kitchen looking around at what I'm going to clean first. I'm going to sift through the leftovers in Trish's room and take it easy this weekend. I don't have to think about what we're going to do in the semi-near future. Not yet I don't. Right now I can just miss my friends and know what in a few short months, we'll all be reunited as we should be.

Posted by Sam at 04:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I have a "place" now. A place where I go every morning and I'm a Regular. The man smiles at me every morning when I pop in and says, "tea, two sugars and a plain croissant, yes?" and I smile back replying yes, even if I don't really want the croissant because I've already eaten cereal for breakfast. I just can't help but say yes because he's so lovely, and I think, well, I can eat it later in the morning when I know I'll be hungry. I never wait, though. I eat it after I log into my work computer and drink my tea while I read my morning blogs. I figure it doesn't matter and I've only paid £1.30. Why the hell not? I should get the damn croissant.

It's nice to have a place. I've always wanted one, kind of like Cheers, where everyone knows your name. Only they don't know my name, they just know my order, which is cool as well.

But because I'm a freak, I think about falling into a rut, a routine, or being predictable. I don't want to be that girl, that work girl that always has a tea with two sugars and plain croissant. I'm spontaneous. I'm wild and crazy. I'm not just a morning brew and croissant.

So sometimes I'll get a pain au chocolat instead, and that makes me feel a little better. I also get a little satisfaction from the man's face when I shake it up and tell him that, no, I will not be having just a plain croissant. I'm deeper than that.

I am that 'work girl' now though, and I'm fucking loving it. I wake up in the morning, I get showered and ready for work, I commute, I walk with my iPod blasting kick ass, motivational morning tunes in my ears, and then I go into my Place and continue on to my job where I sit all day in front of a computer and work. Then when it's time for me to leave, I walk all the way to the bus stop dodging mothers with their children, and those annoying men who love to shove a free newspaper in my face that I decline every day. And by the time I get home, I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I just want to sit on the settee, put my feet up and have a rest from my long day of sitting.

Even though I do fuck all every day, I'm out of the flat, I'm earning money, I'm out and about and I've notice how much happier I've been these past few weeks. I knew it'd do me a world of good once I got a job. I'm not one of those people that can simply sit in all day for long periods of time. We all know this, I'll end up just going insane. I'm reading more, and I've just recently started blogging more here on My Mumbling Thoughts. I don't want to jinx it, but sometimes I think when forced to sit behind a computer all day, my blog is better. Okay, perhaps not 'better', but the material is more frequent for sure.

I was talking to Momma this past weekend on Skype, and I told her how I feel more like I'm part of the city now. I'm not just a poor student that's trying to make it through every single day, but rather I'm more of a city person; I've joined the crowds of business suits and speed walkers that are rushing every morning to the bus stop. It's a nice feeling to have.

"Well don't get too comfortable," she said to me with a hint of nervousness in her voice. "You're coming back over here once your school is over."

Bless her. I know Momma would like for me to be closer to home and working there, but even though I've only been doing this for a few weeks, I could see myself doing it for a long period of time. Granted, I wouldn't like to be working for the council, but maybe if I were doing a work placement somewhere for a newspaper or magazine; I could get up every day, have a tea with two sugars and croissant every morning and work my way up the writing ladder. I could do it easily. I can do this. And I'd like to try. Who knows what lies ahead after my third year of uni.

I'm just happy to be here, working, reading my morning blogs like the old days, drinking my morning cup of tea with a croissant. Or pain au chocolat if I'm feeling wild and crazy that day.

Posted by Sam at 10:49 AM | Permalink

I'm not a big fan of children. Really. I think somewhere along the way of me growing up, I lost that maternal feeling that most little girls have playing with their baby dolls and carting them around in those annoying plastic strollers. I mean yes, I think wee little babies are cute when they make those baby gurgling noises, and a part of me dies a bit every time I see tiny outfits because they're just so damn precious.

But as far as me having my own kiddies running around making those baby gurgling noises wearing those tiny outfits? Um, I don't think so. Thinking about squeezing a human being from my body not only turns my stomach with sickness, but actually makes me curl in physical pain just imagining laying with my legs spread wide for everyone and Jesus to see.

Saying all of that, though, I think I'd make a rockin' momma. I do tend to take on the "mother role" with my friends as well. When they're sick, I nurse them back to health making sure that they stay doped up on the best over-the-counter pills and cough syrups I can find. If a boy makes them cry, I hunt that boy down and will make sure he knows that he never deserved a second of my friend's time. I make big meals and feed my little ducklings. I clean the flat and there's a motherly tone in my voice when I tell them not to mess anything up that I've just tidied. Somewhere, deep inside of me, Momma Sam exists and she cradles her friends when they don't have enough strength (either emotionally or physically) to take care of themselves.

And I don't mind taking on that role from time to time. In fact, I kind of like it, and occasionally I get a small sense of pride that parent's must feel when they see their children grow and reach a milestone, no matter how big or small it is.

Trish would be my baby. She is my child, and I look out for her the most. I hounded her about getting an Oyster card, lectured her about how much money she would save if she got one and how they make your life so much more simple. I also hounded her about getting her national insurance number sorted. These are just things in life that people have to do in order to live in London. And the day she got both of these handy little cards, she called me just to say, Sam! Guess what I got? My national insurance number! And there I was sat in the bar clapping and squealing because my little baby sorted those things out. It was a relief, because I was constantly telling her for months to take care of those things, but I was also a proud momma.

Helen I consider to be my eldest girl. She's independent, she can take care of herself and doesn't need me for every day practical matters. But there are other things, boy things that I'm there for. Her ex-boyfriend (who was her first serious boyfriend) has been a plague (in my opinion) upon her for far too long. She has cried to me on many occasions about him, confides in me about how he makes her feel and the mind games he plays. This does not make me a happy momma. For the most part I keep out of their business, because I don't want to be one of those friends that gets in the middle of other people's relationships; but there are only so many times when you can have one of your best friends cry on your shoulder about the boy that causes her so much pain.

So I made sure that he knew and everyone else in the world, how much I despised him, how much I hated him, how I would find him and gut him like the spineless bastard that he is if he ever did anything to hurt my baby again.

And he knows. And he fears me. As he should.

When the summerball came round, I watched my babies get all dressed up in their nighttime dresses, took pictures for them and sent them out the door shouting and waving, "call me if you need anything! Be careful! And have fun!" I stayed at home and cleaned the entire flat and kept my phone close by if any of them called on me to come and get them, or if heaven forbid, anything bad had happened. I stayed up as late as I could, but still kept one ear open to hear the door when it opened and they dropped their shoes and bags on the floor.

Later on in the morning, my babies piled on my bed and filled me in on all of the details of the night. Trish sat at the foot of my bed and Helen curled up next to me under the covers. I listened as each of them told me the funny or random tales and stroked my Helen's head, bless her.

It's good to feel needed, to know that I have someone to take care of. Next year, when I have my wee freshers, I want it to be like that. I want our flat to be a family and for me to be there if they need help with anything. I want to watch them grow, and learn, challenge their minds about life, and develop into well-rounded people who are good human beings that are respectful and appreciate things. I want to be there when they're struggling with an essay that's due in, when a boy/girl makes them cry and be their strength when they have nothing left. I want us to be close knit, have each other's backs in a crisis and can have a laugh together.

And then I want to send them out in the world and hear about how well their flourishing on their own. My little ducklings. My freshers. My babies.

It almost makes me reconsider squeezing an infant from in between my thighs. Almost.

Posted by Sam at 09:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

"I'm worried about you, Sam. Three guys in two weeks. Really," Trish said to me over the phone on Sunday morning.

"What? I'm fine. I'm just making up for lost time," I laughed.

But I suppose she did have a point. Three one night stands in two weeks? Maybe I should take a step back and have a weekend off or something. Which is what this past weekend was supposed to be, I guess. But I made sure that I did everything I could think of so I wouldn't be alone in our tiny flat.

Being alone is something that I'm not very good at. There's being alone in the flat when you know that someone is just at work, or has popped down to the shop to buy a few things; they'll be back, either within a few minutes or by the end of the day. I won't be alone for too long to sit, and think, and wander about aimlessly. And then there's being alone. Properly alone with nobody else.

So I went out on Saturday night with Josie and her friend, Tat. I met them at the train station and we walked to the nearest pub for a quick drink and so Tat could go to the bathroom. I felt so much better being out for the night, all dressed up, looking good and getting to know two people that I hardly knew but found to be quite charming. It was going to be a good night. I could feel it.

Continue reading ""They call me hell; they call me Stacey; they call me 'her'; they call me Jane; that's not my name"" »

Posted by Sam at 09:28 AM | Permalink

This weekend I have the flat to myself.

Alone.

Completely. Utterly. Alone.

Whilst Helen is away in South Africa on holiday with her parents, Trish is up in Rugby spending her last weekend in the UK for a few months with her boyfriend, and Carlene has already moved out for the summer, I'm left here in the flat watching my load of laundry spin round and round and round.

Don't get me wrong, I love to watch my laundry spin round and round and round, but you can only do it for so long before you eventually fall asleep and go, "well there's another Sunday gone."

I sent out a virtual S.O.S via facebook (as one would do), and received a response from one of Helen's friends that I met at her birthday party last Friday. Beautiful Josie has come to my rescue with a proposal of going out with her in Kingston tomorrow evening, which I will most likely go to, because woohoo! interaction with other humans and alcohol! You can never go wrong with that.

Until tomorrow evening though, it's just me and my laundry.

As soon as I got home, I immediately dumped all of my crap upstairs in my room and completely cleaned the flat. Everything has been wiped down and hoovered up. My laundry of course will be an exciting task for me throughout the rest of the evening. But our flat is only so big and I finished my cleaning within a few short hours and am now left with nothing but the internet and a few good books I've wanted to finish for a while now.

I decided to put off the reading until after I've made myself dinner (and cleaned the kitchen as well), and while I'm waiting for dinner to finish cooking, I'm cruising the internet, as if I don't do it enough at work. I have realized though that my blogaversary is steadily approaching, and My Mumbling Thoughts will be three-years-old.

THREE YEARS.

That's insane folks.

My first year, one of my very first readers, Erik, wrote a lovely post for me, because I didn't want to write a blogaversary post myself. And my second year I actually forgot because I'm lame. This year, however, I'm putting the offer out there again to anyone who would like to write a blogaversary post for me. Trish already said that she would write me one, which is awesome of her, but it doesn't hurt to have more than one. And you can write about anything! That's the beauty of it. Take this blogging gig out of my hands for a change and write something that you want to write. Go wild. Talk about pandas, world war II, breaded chicken fingers or how your shoelaces are rainbow colored; I'm really open-minded.

If you have a gander to that sidebar over to your right, you'll see a little button that says "contact me." You can just send them there if you do decide to have a go at it. I get really excited about things like this.

And while I'm at it, I just have to say that I apologize to anyone who has ever left a comment on here and I've never responded, or those folks that send me email and again, I never respond. Do I have a good answer as to why? No. Other than I'm shit and don't really know what to say when I get emails sent to me, or even when people leave comments. I do read them all though, and smile and always find it amazing that people actually take time out of their lives to read my random drivel on here. I keep an eye on my stats (still a stats whore to this day) and have noticed that my small group of readers has slightly grown a bit over the past year and a half, and while I do realize it's not the "official" de-lurker day, I'm also inviting the folks who have never ever commented to at least say hi, just this once, for me.

Come on! I'm at home alone all weekend! I need some action. Some lovin'. Some blog lovin' that is.

Now watch nobody comment and I end up looking like a dweeb. Ah well.

Posted by Sam at 07:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Recently I've been thinking about my ex, Ash.

First of all, even to this day, it feels strange for me to say "my ex" in reference to Ash. And second of all, I know. I shouldn't be thinking about him, because I've always said that I don't have that right anymore. I lost all of my rights and priviledges as friend/girlfriend that night I left my own room at uni, and didn't return until I was sure that he was gone.

But nonetheless, I have been thinking about him. Not about getting back with him, because that just delves into a whole other part of my brain that I never want to get into; not only that, I don't think I would ever get back him, nor would he get back with me if that were to ever arise. We just have far too much history to even attempt taking a trip down that crazy, swirly road.

What I have been thinking about, however, is what would happen if we were to ever randomly bump into each other? There was that one close call when I was out in South Kent with Helen. One of my friends that I visit from time to time, Stacey, is not even a ten minute walk from Earl's Court tube station, which stands like a statue, reminding me so much of him every time I pass through it.

The history of our relationship runs so deep inside of me still to this day. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if that horrible night had never occurred and we were still together today? How would things be different for me? Would I know the people that he works with? Would he ever manage to get on with my friends? Or would I just remain the mysterious American girl that disappears off into Central every weekend and not really know any of my friends that I have now?

Ash was the only real long term relationship that I've ever had. He knew me inside and out, through and through; and while it was scary to have someone know me so well that it was chilling, I loved knowing that we had hundreds of inside jokes; he would buy my things just because he knew I'd like it, recommend different music artists or bands, and would write to me in a way that sent shivers up and down my entire body. I always felt like we were a perfect fit, and while life wasn't always peachy or easy, somehow we would make it on the other side with a better understanding of each other.

Since then I've only had the severe emotional train wreck that was boy Sam (thank god I moved past all that), and have fluttered between different men with the occasional woman thrown in there for experimental purposes. I've had crushes (or at least thought they were crushes) on a few guys, and had a mountain of one night stands that kept me mildly entertained for, well, that one night.

I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but it feels like I'm having an internal tug-of-war game with myself. I get pulled from "wanting to be in a relationship" with someone, and "wanting to continue being free as a bird who isn't tied down to any man." I can't seem to make up my mind and become increasingly frustrated with myself. Being single isn't so awful; I get to go out when I want, with whomever I want, to do whatever I want, and I don't have to worry about the jealous boyfriend giving me grief when I come walking back barefoot because my feet hurt from my fantastic high heels. But on those days when I get home late from work and my lower back aches from sitting in the shittiest computer chair ever designed, it would be nice to have a boyfriend there to pull me into bed, give me a back rub and kiss my forehead to make me feel better.

It would seem that I would want the best of both worlds -- I'd want the guy there, but also have my own liberties to do what I want, with limitations of course. It's just a matter of balancing everything out, compromise and the trickiest of all tricky things, trust. While I have always had issues trusting men in general (i.e. money, cleaning, matters of the heart), I'm not entirely sure I trust myself. Since I have so little experience in the relationship department, would I even be capable of having a successful and flourishing relationship? Or would I just keep him around until I got bored and wanted to be single again? I know what I'm like - fickle. I'm extremely fickle and I get bored easily with being in a relationship. I would need someone that could keep me entertained and hold my attention for longer than a week. And in return? Well, I'm sure I can think of some ways to thank them, that would mostly likely take place under the covers.

I just keep telling myself that it'll happen when it happens. Patience is a virtue, yes? And one day, some day, hopefully, I'll meet someone who compliments me as much as I compliment them. We'll share the same taste in music, be extreme Mac addicts, love to lounge around in our pajamas in the middle of the day and read books in bed, and hate public displays of affection, but sneak in the occasional sly kiss here and there when we think nobody is looking. I have him, right here in my mind. I can see him. I know his face, see his style and when I'm out and about in town, I might find a tie that would look good on him and buy it just because I could. I just wish that somewhere, someone, hopefully, has me already in their mind as well.

Posted by Sam at 06:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Monday I went where many south Londoners rarely go for any reason: north London. I'm not entirely sure why the lines were even drawn in the first place, but you're either south of the river, or north of the river (or east or west, I know, I know). Me? I'm southern, as always. I know the District line and Piccadilly line. That's all. I don't need anything else. I don't use anything else. Everything else is Unknown.

But on Monday I needed to get on the Central line to get to the Northern line so I could go for a Turkish bath. It was far, but worth it.

Many moons ago, my darling Jon, said that we could go for a Turkish bath for my birthday. I'm not sure how the conversation even came up, but it sounded amazing; sitting in one place and sweating through my eyelids? Sign me up! I thought he had long forgotten about it, but last week while I was idly sitting at work, I received a text from him asking if I could take this Monday off so we could sweat up a storm with each other. I happily responded "yes" and that was that. We were going for a Turkish bath!

Now I had never been for a Turkish bath before, but I had a vague idea of what was involved. Jon just told me to bring a bathing suit so I wouldn't have to go in my birthday suit (like the locals).

We decided to make a full day out of it and I met him at our uni gates at eleven o'clock exactly so we could begin our journey. He told me that he wrote the street names down, but not if we had to turn left or right, so it should make for an interesting trip nonetheless. I told him it would feel more spontaneous not knowing which direction we were going in, and didn't feel my normal panic attack that I get whenever I don't know Exactly Where I'm Going At Eevery Single Moment.

Somehow we went straight to the place without getting lost once. We decided that north London was very easy to maneuver around, and that pleased us and made us feel like we had already been there a million times, which was comforting. When we got to the place that held the Turkish baths though, we were told that we were an hour and a half early, since the Turkish baths didn't start until two o'clock. We were fine with that though, and thought it would probably be good if we got some food in our empty stomachs anyway. Traveling from south London all the way to north London had certainly worked up an appetite.

We quickly made a note about how empty this part of north London was though. It looked like we were on a movie set and just felt very...white. It wasn't like we were even London; it felt like we were traveling to go to London, and this was just a random town that we were passing through. A town where ladies wore Donna Karan suits, always had a fresh coat of lip gloss on, and not one hair out of place. The men wore Armani suits, carried brief cases and always had their mobile up to their face chatting away about some meeting or other.

Jon and I felt like tramps in our flip flops and bookbags.

We stopped at a Costa for a snack and a fruit smoothie (that was so good), and afterwards tried to find a patch of green where we could smoke. We looked like such random tourists when we stopped at a map and saw that we were only a five minute walk from what appeared to be the world's smallest park that was full of people lounging during their lunch break.

"I'm worried we're not going to be able to find a space," I told Jon as we walked trying to find a place where we could sit.

"I'm worried we're going to offend someone if we smoke outside."

I laughed. It was very true. Smoking in north London might just ruin the picturesque landscape that they had carefully carved.

We found a bench that was really warm, as if there was an electric heater underneath it, and the second we lit our cigarettes, the lady next to us immediately stood up and left.

"Oops," I said and laughed a little.

By the time we had finished smoking our sinful cigarettes, we made our way back to the place where we were going to sweat every foul toxin out of our bodies. Mondays were the only unisex days, and the two of us separated in our respective changing rooms to get into our bathing suits. I knew that I had walked into a changing room, where people get changed, but I was still surprised to see completely naked bodies in the shower rinsing off from the swimming pool, or after a hard workout in the gym. It caught me off guard and I wasn't expecting to see old women's ladybits on display.

I kept to myself in a bathroom stall, and wrapped up in my towel. I guess my comfort level isn't where the other ladies comfort level is when it comes to the nakedness of my body.

I followed Jon's instructions since I had never experienced a Turkish bath. He said we should sit in the sauna for a while, then hit the plunge pool, sit in the steam room, plunge again and then at the end we should have a full body scrub. I thought it sounded like a good idea and followed him into the sauna, where it wasn't very long before I could feel the sweat beads run down my forehead, back, armpits and other places that I didn't even know could produce sweat. It was strangely liberating sitting there and sweating so profusely and being 100% okay with it. Even though I felt disgusting and rank, I knew with every sweat bead that fell off my body, I was cleansing myself that. much. more.

After we couldn't take the sauna any longer, we rinsed off in the showers and dunked in the plunge pool, which is just a giant tank of ice cold water. Jon and I both learned that you can't just ease youself into it either. You should listen to the word "plunge" and go for it. They don't call it a "plunge pool" for nothing.

So you plunge and when you surface again, you feel so awake, so refreshed and so cold. It's as if your body has just drank a large glass of water and your opened pores are taking in as much of the cold water as possible.

Straight afterwards, we sat in the steam room where we coughed a little whilst our smoker's lungs got used to all of the warm air. I could hardly make out Jon's blurry figure from all of the smoke in the room. It was fun sitting in the steam room as well and feeling all of the water mixed with sweat literally run off of my body. And when we couldn't take anymore of the steam room, we rinsed off in the showers again and plunged once more.

That was all we did for about two hours, rotating ourselves between the sauna and steam room whilst dunking in the plunge pool every so often. It gave us something to do while we waited for our turns on these marble slabs where we were going to lay down and be scrubbed head to toe with these massaging oils and then rinsed off. The woman who scrubbed off all of the dead skin did a damn fine job as well. After I was finished, I wrapped up in my giant white towel and lied down in the resting room where I found it very difficult forming any words. I was so relaxed, so content and had never felt so clean in my entire life.

Jon came in and laid next to me after he was finished, and we could hardly hold a conversation. We were both in the Turkish bath haze and didn't need anything else ever again, so long as we could feel this good forever. Just thinking about leaving north London to go all the way back to our end of the city seemed so difficult, and far too much effort than we were willing to give.

We did eventually leave though, and I drank an entire bottle of water in record time. We were sure that a Turkish bath is generally supposed to only last an hour; we were in there for three glorious hours, which meant we had to come back home with all of the busy worker bees that had just left their office desks. It was fine though, because we just remained in that calm haze the entire time while everyone else buzzed around us.

The entire experience was well worth the long trip to the north, and I discovered that north London is not an Unknown area that one should be worried about. It's a lovely place. Picture perfect almost. I'll just remember to wear my Steve Madden high heels and BCBG outfit for the next Turkish bath.

Posted by Sam at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Whatever happened to the simple one night stand? When did it get to the point where a man and a woman who are complete strangers couldn't just have one night of drunken passion without strings attached? I miss those nights.

I've had a couple of one night stands in my lifetime, and generally, I don't call them, they don't call me, and I hope to never ever bump into them in the harsh rays of daylight. But there have been a couple of randomers that want my number, want to take me out, want to get to know me after we have sex.

My only question is, what's the point? Really though.

There is a difference of having free bootay available in your phone for emergencies. I have yet to find someone that fits the bill here in London, but back home, if I ever got desperate, I had a guy or two I could call upon to scratch an itch that I had, so to speak. Their names sat quietly in my phonebook, ready and willing just waiting for my call. We didn't go out to dinner and movie; there were no love notes left behind; we had an unspoken understanding.

But these boys (and they are boys) that want to try and make something out of a drunken, sexual encounter confuse me. Don't they know that I'll be okay the next day? That I probably don't remember their name (I still don't remember that one's guy name that we simply refer to as "air con guy")? That there's no need for the uncomfortable phone calls/text messages/emails/what have you.

For the past couple of months, I have been going through a serious dry spell, and London's hot weather was not helping me. Sitting on the bus and seeing all of these beautiful men walk around without their shirts on, seeing the sun being reflected off of their sweaty skin, was just all too much for me to handle. I just wanted to be completely wrapped up in their man arms, inhaling their man smell, being absolutely engulfed in their whole man-ness.

However, it was difficult for me to go out for an evening since I knew that I had work early the next day, and I was trying to save money so I could pay the rent, pay people money I owe them, pay for something else that requires money. How was I supposed to get laid when I had other obligations?

Last week, my friend Alex gave me a ring while I was on the bus on my way home from work. It was another hot day and I was suffocating in everyone's body odor on the bus. It was insufferable.

"Hey honey, what are you doing later today?" she asked me.

"Um, not too much. I'll probably just go home, make some dinner and tidy up before I get ready for bed so I can go to work tomorrow." I told her, thinking to myself how boring and old I sounded.

"Well what if I said that all of the drinks at the bar are a pound tonight? And that I found a tenner today? That's five drinks each. And I just figured that we haven't seen each other in a while. I think it'd be good for us to go out and have some bonding time."

She did make a good argument. So good that I couldn't turn her down.

"Yeah. That sounds good. What time should I meet you? I have to go home first and change and de-skank, because I smell like work and look gross."

"Well I get off work at seven, so we could meet then?"

"I'll see you then," and hung up my phone a little more excited about my night.

It was band's night at the bar, and since we were there two hours early, we got to see all of the bands tune up and do their sound checks. I had already spotted three musicians that I thought were really fit and wouldn't mind letting them strum my guitar. I just sat there with my Pimm's and furiously eyed them up and down.

As the night continued, mine and Alex's "couple of drinks" turned into who knows how many shots and a landslide of double vodkas and oranges. We were drunk and dancing in the middle of the bar just as the first act was taking to the stage.

"That's the one," I slurred to Alex. "That lead singer right there. I want that one."

"Well go for it! Go and tell him you think their band is brilliant and that you'd like for him to fuck you," she laughed.

"No, no. I'm not that drunk. I don't think. But I will tell him I think they were brilliant."

And so off I marched right up to the lead singer/guitarist and gurgled something about how I thought their band was really good, I thought they were brilliant, I might have even said something about how I thought he was fit.

"Aw, cheers mate. I was watching you guys. You were the only two in the whole place that were listening," he smiled.

"You were watching me?" and somehow after that we ended up outside chatting to the rest of the band members, their girlfriends (whom I love and find absolutely adorable) and smoking cigarettes while our drinks splashed about.

Not all of them had girlfriends. The drummer boy was available and we were having really good chats. He was telling me about how he had met Kate Nash, how she was a bit of a bitch, and met some other producers and named a couple of other bands that he also plays with. Bless him, he was really sweet and I found myself chatting ridiculously fast about my love of music and how if I could have a perfect life, I would be Kate Hudson in Almost Famous. If that dream never came true then I'd want to be Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

But even though he was sweet, and nice, and kind, and lovely to chat to, I wasn't particularly attracted to him physically. He had good hair, I would give him that. That being said, I was able to overlook the fact that I wasn't physically attracted to him through my alcohol infused vision and had sex with him anyway. And it was alright. It wasn't good. It wasn't bad. It was standard and got the job done.

Afterwards, he left in the middle of the night. I came downstairs and talked to Trish, Helen and Carlene who were still awake because apparently I was so loud (oops), even if I did try to keep quiet. I didn't stay up long though, since I had to be awake really early to go to work the next day.

"You are so not going to work tomorrow," Trish laughed at me.

"Ugh, I have to. I need the money."

I was hungover, I was extremely tired, I was running on about three and a half hours of sleep, but I still managed to be at work bright and early at nine o'clock in the morning -- and sporting a new lovebite that I didn't realize Mr. Drummer Boy had given me.

I thought that was it. I thought it was just another stranger that I had crossed paths with and nothing else would ever happen between Drummer Boy and me.

But I got text messages.

He added me on facebook.

He actually told me, "I can't stop thinking about the other night."

And he wonders if we could possibly meet up for drinks and chats later this weekend?

"Aw! He actually wants to get to know you!" Alex squealed to me over the phone while I was standing in the corridor at work.

"No! This is bad. I do not want to 'get to know him.' I want to just forget it ever happened, and find a new guy to have sex with. That's what your twenties are for. Besides, I found them on facebook and they are young. Legal. But young."

"But you said yourself he was really nice."

"Yeah. So? There are lots of nice people in the world."

"You should go and see him."

As I stood out in the corridor pacing back and forth, I thought maybe we could be friends? He was really nice and so were the other band members. And oh my god their girlfriends were just the sweetest things I could have squeezed them.

"We'll see," was all I said.

Now I don't know what to do. The poor thing wants to meet up for drinks and chats, and I just want to find somebody new. I don't even know where he lives, although I'm thinking it's pretty far away since he had to go to Waterloo to catch a train up north, and he said he didn't get home until six in the morning. I'm not getting on a train to see a one night stand. If he just so happens to be in my neck of the woods, then yeah, I'll catch a bus or something, but that's it.

I'm just confused as to when things got so complicated. Maybe it's because he's quite young? These younger guys seem to be all about relationships, commitment and having girlfriends. I thought I wanted a relationship (and perhaps I still do), but it doesn't mean I can't have fun with other random boys that I find along the way. Maybe he has a soft heart? Just as long as he doesn't confess his undying love for me and want to play me the songs that he has written for me, then it should be fine.

Posted by Sam at 09:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I didn't run for newspaper editor of my uni, nor did I go to my second counseling session with Lena. Why? Because I got a job and that is priority numero uno for me at the moment. Spending money now is a lot less stressful knowing full and well that I am also accruing funds that will replenish my bank account this coming Friday. It's going to be oh so sweet.

Simon managed to hook me up with that job that I mentioned last week. It turns out that two of the other people they had hired before me, turned out to be flakes, so they decided to replace them with me! And two other ladies that started this past Monday as well.

The job itself is a pile of wank, but the pay is right up my alley. I've done the calculations, and after about a month and a half worth's pay, I should be out of my debt hole and can start saving money for when Mel gets here in August. I'm excited about these new developments, and was so happy to have a job, that I could have reached through my phone and gave Simon a big, sloppy kiss.

Sunday night, I had already mentally decided what I was going to wear for my first day of work, and was so excited to get ready, I woke up AN HOUR BEFORE my alarm went off. That's FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING PEOPLE. Do you know how long it has been since I've woken up at that time? And haven't been out in some random corner of London? A long time. It has been a very long time.

I rolled over and caught the last hour of sleep, but as soon as my phone began playing my morning wake-up call, I quickly jumped in the shower and arrived at my new workplace thirty minutes early. I was quite eager and ready to see what I would be doing, who would I be working with, what was everything going to be like? I was particularly happy to be back in an office setting. How sad is that? But it's true. I'm comfortable amongst all of the computer wires, telephones and mini-kitchen break rooms. It's what I know. It's what I do.

It turned out to be a very standard office, with bare minimum... everything. My enthusiasm was slightly deflated, but I wasn't going to let this get me down. I was at work. AT WORK. And I was damn happy.

The work that I do is so mind-numbing I have to listen to my iPod, Sugar, to keep me awake and my brain functioning at some kind of normal level. It takes me back when I used to work back in VA, and reminded me why I love to hate places like these offices. It was strangely comforting to be working in Excel and Citrix, doing "data cleansing" for people that look at me like I'm too young to be there, and seem out of place with my lip piercing and tattoos (which I hide underneath appropriate work attire).

The other four ladies that I work with are between the ages of thirty-five and forty-something, and they're married. We don't really have anything in common, nor do we have anything to talk about, but they're nice and with each passing day, I'm growing to like them even more. There's Mary, who's a bit... out there and never really knows when to stop talking. Then we have Susan who's the quiet one, and kind of keeps to herself, but she has been slowly breaking out of her shell a bit more and laughing with us. Anna is next in line, who was a little intense when I first met her, but now that I've gotten to know her, I think she's hilarious. Last but not least, there's little Helima, who claimed me as her "smoking buddy" the very first day. I get the feeling that she wants to talk to me about personal things (i.e. problems with her husband), but I find it way too weird and uncomfortable, and try to dodge those conversations as quickly as possible.

That would be our not-so-crazy group of ladies that sit all day, cleanse data all day, try to make it all go by a little bit faster all day...

The good thing is that this is only supposed to be for six weeks, so I won't be stuck doing this shit until I die. We each have 5000 records to clean, and I'm breezing through mine (I'm already at 1300-something). I want to try and get them finished as soon as possible so I don't have to look at them anymore, and will hopefully get something that's a bit more stimulating.

And that's my job. After work is finished for the day, I fast-walk all the way down to the bus stop and hope that I'll be lucky enough to get a seat for the long journey back. I always get stuck in the after work traffic, so instead of the trip being twenty minutes (how long it usually takes), I'm stuck there for about an hour.

Instead of going to the meeting for the top up elections last night, I decided to take a night off and go see my friend, Ryan O'Reilly play at a pub in Hammersmith. I can honestly say that he is one of my favorite people on earth that I have the pleasure of knowing. He's ridiculously smart, funny, a fantastic musician and yes, very much unavailable. He has a beautiful girlfriend, that Trish and I consider to be the luckiest woman on earth.

I love going to Ryan's gigs when I can. The only reason I tend to not go to them is because I'm too poor, but since I have a job now (that will never get old for me to say), I thought I would go and have a nice night out. I never have a bad time at Ryan's gigs. I love it because you get to meet new people, discover other great acts, and travel to different parts of London that I may not otherwise know about.

Last night was one of my favorite performances I've seen Ryan do. He was just so on. He told stories, the audience laughed, he sang with so much feeling and captured the entire night. I know I'm bias, but he was my favorite act of the evening.

And it was so nice not being at uni. Not being around uni people. Not having anything to do with university at all.

Since my last exam, which was the last uni-related thing I had to do, I haven't been back in any kind of full capacity. I pretty much fell off the uni map, and haven't missed it in the slightest. I don't want to deal with any of it for the time being. I just want to push it aside for right now and for once, not care about any of the worries from the past year.

Posted by Sam at 12:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I can't update my blog at the moment, because I'm working.

Oh yeah, baby, you read that correctly.

WORKING.

I shall have a proper update when I get a little break and I'm not so tired from all of this work that I've been doing. Hells yeah I'm going to wear that word out: work, work, work, work, WORK. I'm a working gal.

And this working gal needs sleep so she can get up early for work in the morning.

AWESOME.

P.S... I already miss you Internet. I hope you miss me too.

Posted by Sam at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Summer has definitely touched London, and for the past week and a half or so, I've been laying outside with just enough clothes on to not get thrown in jail for indecent exposure. We walk around in flip flops, tank tops, short shorts and our hair pulled up and off of our necks to try and keep cool. It has been nothing but bright, blue skies, hot sun and ice lollies. And slightly pink skin from absorbing too much of the hot weather. I forget that my skin isn't used to all of this sunshine, and got a bit too excited about staying outside for hours on end. I've since spent the past two days mostly inside, shielding my gentle skin and letting it recover from the harsh rays. I do believe that tomorrow I should be fine though, and will be going out to the parks for more naps out on the grass.

It has been a lovely break from the past few weeks where I've locked myself indoors, only to stare out the window and wishing I was outside, but rather had to force myself to do coursework that I hated and wanted to throw over the balcony to the random animals so they could tear it into little shreds of nothing. I have been making up for lost time, to say the least, and am enjoying my little rest from the hell that was the end of my second year at uni.

This next week, however, will not only just be spent dozing off in the grass, but waiting for Simon to call with any potential jobs. He called me last week for a job that paid so well, but that quickly dissipated when all of the positions were filled before they even reached my name. It was sad, but I'm hopeful this week will bring something else. I also submitted my CV to another temp agency called Office Angels. Apparently they're supposed to be really good as well, so I hope to hear from them too. I suppose it'll just be a race to see who can get me a job first. The sooner I start work, the better I'll feel about a lot of things.

Until then, I've just been doing chores around the flat, making sure that things are ready for when I actually do get work. I bought a couple of shirts to go with some of my nice trousers, ironed all of my clothes that require ironing, bought groceries, and so on. Everything will be ready and stocked for me, that way when it is time for me to work, I don't have to worry about running late because I didn't iron that one shirt that goes so nicely with my light pink trousers. It also keeps my mind occupied from going absolutely insane.

Today is Mother's Day back home too. I called Momma and Mel via Skype and chatted with them for a little over two hours. It was good to catch up with them, have chats and imagine that I was back in the townhouse for a little while. Everything they said, I could picture in my head: I saw Mel making pork chops for Momma's Mother's Day dinner, saw us watching P.S. I love you downstairs on the couch, while Momma rode her exercise bicycle, and saw Momma in her room doing her Sunday ironing and watching all of her shows that she recorded on TiVo. I saw it all as if I was right next to them.

I've got another counseling meeting coming up in the next week. It's with Lena this time, not Fran. Lena called me last week and wanted to schedule a time for me to come in and chat with her. At the time when she called me I was thinking, "I don't need these things anymore, I'm fine," although now when I think about it, it is probably good for me to go in every so often and clear my brain out. So far it hasn't done any harm to me, so I reckon it can only help me in the long run. She actually gave me her mobile number as well just in case "I needed to reach her." Kind of scary, but at the same time, nice to know that I have a counselor on called, heaven forbid I have a random mental break down in public; I can just reach for my phone, give her a ring, and she can help me stop hyperventilating without me even being in her office.

It's lazy days at the moment. While it is nice to not have any obligations or coursework weighing me down, I would like to get a steady schedule so I can have something to do during the day. There are only so many things I can do here at the flat or at my nearby parks, before I'll start getting irritated, before I start going mental. I want to work. I need to work. I'm ready to work. And in between working, you can find me sprawled out in a warm sun patch in some soft, green grass.

Posted by Sam at 10:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

We leave the windows open all day, despite the danger of wasps finding their way in, and most of the flower petals on the trees have fallen off and floated down from the trees with every leap from the squirrels on their branches. It feels like summer is creeping up on us in the city, and while it does feel...warm...it also feels new and hopeful. I'm excited. I'm curious. I'm anxious. And I'm going to be staying in London all summer.

I won't be going back to VA, not because of anything terrible. Momma and I haven't had a fall out; in fact, life with Momma has never been this good before. We just thought it would probably be better for everyone (and cheaper) if I stayed here, work and save my money, rather than go back and fluff around all summer. Mel will be coming back here for a few weeks, though, which will be nice. I'll be with Helen for the majority of the time, since Trish will eventually be going back home, Carlene will be heading back to her hometown, Zoe will be in Greece, and everyone else will be spreading out back to their homes. It'll be weird, I'm sure, but I guess everyone has to do it eventually - we can't always just go back home.

I think it'll be good for me as well, to sort everything out as far as my own finances go and state of mind. I can learn to get back on track by myself, without having to head back to the slow pace of life in VA whenever things get a bit rocky for me. I've got a good support system here, and I forgot that until my meeting with Fran this past week.

Yes, the counseling meeting went very well. I was a little skeptical at first, and even considered not going, just because it was raining, it was early, and I wasn't in the mood. But then I decided to put on my boots and head out anyway. You never know until you try, and don't knock it 'til you try it, as they say - whoever 'they' might be.

I arrived completely drenched from walking in the rain without an umbrella. I thought the hood on my jacket would be enough, but I was wrong. I was slightly early, but that was fine, and it gave me enough time to sort myself and dry off a little bit before Fran arrived, who was prepared for the cloudy weather with a massive umbrella in her hand.

We sat opposite each other in her quaint office and the door shut. I noticed a small table off to my left that only had a homely lamp and a box of tissues on it. I guess I wasn't the only one who might have cried behind the closed door.

She had a couple of forms resting in her lap and began by asking me general questions: what was my full name, my phone number, address and so forth. She then told me that she would be making notes throughout our conversation and asked me if I minded.

"No, no, I don't mind at all," I told her and smiled awkwardly. I wasn't entirely sure what to do, how to sit or what to say.

"Have you ever been here before, or ever had counseling before this?" she asked me.

"Um, nope. This is my first time," I said.

"Well, what were you expecting from this conversation?" she asked in her gentle voice.

"I guess just to get a better understanding of myself, and why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling recently."

"And how have you been feeling?"

"Like shit."

She laughed a little, and from there on out, our conversation flowed easily as if she were just one of the girls who occasionally made notes on the papers that rested in her lap. It was a simple thing to do - she asked me questions and I answered them. However, the questions she asked me were different from the ones that other people ask me, or the ones that I ask myself. They were more simple and direct, and to the point. It helped me put a lot of different things in perspective and made me realize different things about myself that I had briefly considered in my own time, but quickly shrugged off, because I was not dependent on other people; I did not take on other people's problems as my own; I did not over work myself. Those were definitely things I was not. But I was. Denial is a crazy thing.

There were a couple of moments when I thought that I might break down and cry, but I managed to swallow the lump that was in my throat and hold the waterworks back a few times. It was mostly when she asked me questions about Momma, and our relationship. I am a classic cliché who tends to have issues stemming straight from her mother. Go figure.

The meeting ended with us swapping different name's of author's whose books that we loved, and deciding that I don't need regular counseling. I'm a stable person with a good head on her shoulders, but I will be going back every few weeks just for check ups to see how I'm doing...in life. Although, I'll be seeing somebody else since Fran won't be here over the summer. A lady named, Lena, who she said that I'd probably really like and get on with.

I walked out and lit up a cigarette immediately, but felt good. Really good. Refreshed. Like a big weight had been lifted off of my chest and made me optimistic about things again. I felt like she had unearthed the old Sam that believes she can do things, and believes in herself. Yeah, I've been kicked down in the dumps, but I'm strong enough to pull myself up and out of this. I can do it, but I don't have to do it alone. I've got good, close friends here that I can rely on. I've got Momma and Mel back home, and I know I have my ladies here that I can count on, even if I don't tell them things straight away.

I know I've written a lot about how my second year has been shit and horrible, and how bad I've felt recently, but even though life has been a bit crap for me the second time round, I'm hopeful that I can turn things around this summer and kick off my last and final year on a good note. The entire time I've been here in London, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I do focus a lot more on the bad, than I do on the good, and I forget that even though I've been through some really shit times, I've always made it out on the other side a better and stronger person. I like to consider myself more of a city girl now, and I'm a lot more confident when it comes to me navigating my own way around the city. And if I do get lost, I'm positive that I'll always find my way back home. Hell, I seem to do it every time I'm drunk, and miraculously make it back with all of my belongings.

I've met incredible people that I'm sure I'll know for the rest of my life. I've learned how to interact with others, how to network my way around, learned new things about people and learned new things about myself. And every now and then, I have to be reminded about those things.

So while it would be nice to be back in VA, driving around, listening to music and eating food that I've been craving for months, it'll be good for me to stick it out here in good 'ole London Town, sorting myself out. I'm looking forward to that, and more importantly, I believe I can do it.

Posted by Sam at 12:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I always thought that people who go to see therapists and counselors were babies. God, can't they hack it on their own? Losers.

But then I moved away from home and discovered why people go to see counselors and have therapists - it's because life is shit.

Recently I've been feeling a bit down; not quite my usual, chipper self. I've kept to myself in my room, alone, with my earbuds securely in my ears and my music on LOUD to keep all outside distractions out. I've got a mountain of coursework due in (and some that I discovered was due in yesterday, which I haven't even started), and I thought if I locked myself in my room, I could knock it all out in about two days and not have anything else uni-related to worry about until September.

I learned that that doesn't work. Locking yourself in your room for two days is a very bad idea and everyone should steer far away from ever doing that. I'm here to tell you that you'll get absolutely nothing accomplished, except for many hours wasted away on facebook.

When I wasn't being a sick facebook user, I would sit and think, and think, and think, and over think some more. I cleaned. I stared out my window. I cried. Boy, did I cry.

Alone.

Because of everything. Because I was alone, and sad, and depressed, and homesick, and melodramatic, and angry, and frustrated, and every other disgusting emotion that I despise. And also because I had a zit on the side of my nose that was the size of Jupiter. If there was a reason for me to cry, I did.

The annoying thing is that I would cry for about a minute, and then I would force myself to stop. I hated that I was crying over nothing. Over stupid nothingness. I knew what was wrong, so why was I coming up with other reasons for why I was sad and crying? The list of The Real Reasons To Cry has been elbowing me in the ribs for months now, so much that I'm afraid there might be a permanent bruise.

But The Real Reasons To Cry are mentally tacked in the front of my brain.

- I have no money.
- I owe people money.
- I don't have a job.
- Therefore, no money is coming in.
- Which results in me still owing people money.
- I'm late on the rent.
- I can't help pay the bills.
- When was the last time I even put electric on?

As we can all see, my main problem has been lack of funds. That's all I've been thinking about, and it never goes away. I wake up in the morning, and there's this giant ten pound note sitting at the foot of my bed, looking at me, laughing at me, and smoking.

I'm not sure why he's smoking, but for some reason that seems significant.

And he talks to me. He tells me every day, "you're a poor motherfucker."

"I know!" I shout at him. Then I tear off my covers, steal his cigarette and smoke the rest of it whilst blowing smoke in his paper face.

Sometimes he follows me when I go up to uni. I'll ignore him for the most part, but his little coin friends are harder to ignore when they're jumping all around my feet, pointing and laughing at me. I hate them the most.

Aside from my own illusions, I have been trying to do things in order to better myself. While I do wish that a million pounds would fall out of the sky and into my hands, I realize that the chances of that happening are pretty slim to none. I've got that Simon guy looking for jobs for me, and I am helping out in the flat where I can. I do know that sitting in my room and crying isn't going to get anything done.

My mental state recently hasn't been the greatest though. I've shut down to everyone around me. I'm not sure if they've noticed or not (I tried to conceal it for the most part), but it has been consuming me. I just feel like I've been sinking and I'm finding it difficult in order to pull myself out of this...mood. Out of this rut. Out of this feeling.

So I made an appointment with our local counseling centre. I suppose I'm a pussy and a loser. Oh well, I don't care. This Wednesday at 10:30a.m. I'll be meeting with a lady named, Fran, to talk about my problems and what I can do to remedy them. And hopefully remedy that giant ten pound note and his pesky coin friends. It's not that I don't want to talk about it with everyone that I already know, but I just don't want to make it into a "thing." I don't want to have a huge Sammi Spectacle and have everyone listen to me whine about shit they've already heard a million times. I know they're my friends and they'd never say that, but at the same time, I'm sure they get tired of hearing me complain about it all the time; I get tired of it.

I'll probably cry in front of her, which I'm really not looking forward to. I have a serious issue with crying in front of strangers. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable. There you are, in a very vulnerable position, raw, exposed, and in front of someone you don't know. Nothing is worse for me.

But it needs to come out. I had a bit of a proper cry today with Helen when it was just us two in the flat. All of my feelings have just been laying right at the surface for the past couple of days, and the tiniest thing pushes me right over the edge. When I began to let the waterworks flow in front of Helen, we were in the lounge and she was talking about what she wanted for dinner.

"Perhaps I'll have a bowl of spinach," she said casually.

And I couldn't contain it anymore. All I thought was "who eats just spinach? Aside from Popeye?" and cried non-stop for at least a good twenty minutes on her shoulder. It felt good. Although I'm sure there's plenty more where it came from.

***

For those of you who love Dane Cook and really love to cry. Totally me, only not as funny, unfortunately.

Posted by Sam at 09:43 PM | Permalink

I don't really give myself enough credit. I am so observant. Like, freakishly observant. I see everything whether I want to or not. I can see you on the outside, on the inside, and see right through you. I know things about what I see, and I see particular moments in time that are substantial and mean something. Then I can piece together those substantial moments and learn things about you, discover hidden meanings.

And those moments, those little moments that I see, I freeze them. I'll stop time, cup them in my hands and look at them while they stand still.

It's those moments that I feel, and know what lies ahead in the future. Things change. People change. Dynamics change. Circumstances change. Life really isn't that hard to understand if only you lay those moments out in front of you and see how everything is mapped out. You can easily connect the dots and learn that no, it's not a vicious cycle that goes round and round, but rather a straight line and will continue moving right along at a steady speed. We just like to confuse ourselves and muddle things up and convince ourselves otherwise; we were "caught up in the moment" or "life was just happening around us."

The thing about that steady, straight line, is that we can't reverse time. We can never pick out certain moments and go back to the way things used to be. We can't re-create a particular moment because once it's gone, it's gone. All we're left with is that lingering feeling of happiness, of comfort, of easiness, and wishing that things could be like that forever. People try, they try to re-create moments, but it's never the same. It's forced, it's fake and you're just left feeling uncomfortable, not happy.

All we can really do I suppose, is when we do have one of the pleasant and happy moments frozen inside of our hands, cherish it. Look at it, appreciate it and smile, because we're never really sure how long it'll last. And when it's gone, when the frozen exterior finally melts away and it has slipped through your fingers, accept that it's over and be happy that you were given that moment in the first place.

Posted by Sam at 07:39 PM | Permalink

It is something that I do every day. Every. Single. Day. And it's my favorite thing to do. Whoever came up with the shower, is a genius. The idea, yes, seems simple when you first think about it; water cascading over you at a nice temperature so you can cleanse your body from head to toe; and all of the excess water simply washes down the drain, where you don't have to think or worry about it. But the shower, is something that one should savor every day, and not take for granted.

It's a rare occasion that I don't have a shower. I'll either be so ill that I cannot physically get out of bed, and even more rare than that - I just can't be bothered. However, that only lasts for one day, and early on the following morning you'll hear me turn the shower on and relish the entire experience that much more.

I like to consider it time well spent alone. I sort my thoughts out in the shower, think about what I'd like to wear for the day, make lists of things to do, make lists of things I need to do, or more often, I'll day dream and get lost in my own thoughts whilst standing under the falling water. That's always my favorite thing to do; just stand underneath and feel every drop hit my skin. It's relaxing and soothing, and gives the illusion that I'm wrapped up in warm blankets - it's a hot water hug. Sometimes I'll just look down at my skin and find it funny to see that even though my hair is wet, my skin appears to be completely waterproof.

Aside from standing underneath the water with no purpose, I love using new shower products. How much fun is it when you buy new shampoo or body wash and use it for the first time in the shower? It's like a mini Christmas party in your bathroom that you celebrate every few weeks. I like to buy different body soaps, shampoos and conditioners just to see what they're like. What do they smell like when you first crack them open and the steam carries the new scent throughout the room? Are they better or worse than what you've previously used? There are so many different things out there to make the whole showering process more fun. Loofahs and shower gloves are great examples. Nobody out there can say that a loofah hasn't improved their life. The exfoliating of the skin and the new, fresh, clean layer that is exposed after you scrub away all of yesterdays old skin cells. It's amazing.

I know after every shower, I'm going to feel so much better about myself. It's not just a way to clean yourself and make yourself smell better, but a way to wake yourself up before your first cup of coffee early in the morning, a way to kick start yourself and the first step you take in getting ready for the entire day. Without the shower, there would be no blow-drying of the hair, or rolling on fresh deodorant on the surface of clean skin. It is the first, necessary step to do anything. You know that people always take a shower when they're ill, or take showers to cool off when they're angry, or they'll take a shower to be alone and cry. Showers are, in a way, therapeutic. Who needs a therapist when you can just jump in the shower for a little bit and come out feeling that. much. better.

So when people ask me why I take up to fifteen to twenty minutes in the shower every day, that is my response. Who wouldn't love to live underneath the hot water that stings at first and turns your skin slightly red? Who doesn't love re-creating a sauna every single day in their bathroom and feel their skin begin to wrinkle? Who doesn't get that comforting feeling underneath the shower head, and get lost in their own world and not worry about what's going on outside of the bathroom door? It is a brilliant place, and if I could, I'd stay for longer. And when I finally turn the water off, wring out my hair, shake off my limbs, step out on the bath rug, wrap myself in my towel and make sure it's tucked in snug underneath my armpits, I'll take a deep breath and continue with the rest of my day that is so much nicer now that I've started it off right with a lengthy shower.

Posted by Sam at 06:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I hate instant messenger. Well, that would be a lie. For the most part, I adore it since I can easily talk to my sister when she gets online, and it's funny to message my flat-mates when I'm sitting upstairs and they're all downstairs.

But sometimes, occasionally, I hate it. Because I can see when certain people are online. I can see when you're online. And as much as I hate it, I'll stare at your name on my computer screen, and I'll have a conversation with you inside of my head, without you ever knowing or caring or noticing, that while you're sat there, on the other side of your computer screen, I'm having all of these thoughts.

Every now and then, when I'm being pathetic, I'll click on your name just to have the little window box pop up on my screen, with the blinking cursor bringing me closer and closer to the edge, nudging me to type something.

Go on, the cursor will say to me. You know you want to. And then just press 'enter.' It's easy. You've done it millions of times before this.

I know, but what to say! What would I say that's not stupid, or lame, or screams LOSER. How does one even begin a conversation when there are so many things unsaid and should probably remain that way. I can't just begin to talk about the weather, or uni, or ask if you're going to the bop casually. We're not those kind of people. We don't have that relationship anymore. I'm not sure we've ever had that kind of relationship. It's always been complicated hasn't it?

Although there were times, back in the day, when things weren't as complicated. Do you remember when we used to talk for hours? Hours and hours upon hours about everything. You sat on my bed that one night, when you saw the Tiffany's bracelet on my left wrist. You took it in between your fingers gently and told me that your mom loved Tiffany's. She loved all the finer things in life, as did you. You continued to talk about how much you loved your mom and how important she is to you. I remember that night so clear for some reason, and I don't know why that memory sticks out so vividly in my mind.

Now we've been reduced to this, to an empty message box with a mocking cursor, and me with all of these insane thoughts. Sometimes I'll imagine where you might be; probably in the library, procrastinating doing your coursework that's due in soon. Or maybe you're at her flat, in her room, on her laptop.

It only makes me think about the times when you would be in my flat, in my room, on my laptop.

I just wanted to say, though, that I don't think about you that much these days. Every so often you might cross my mind, and I'll remember certain things, and wonder and day dream for about ten minutes or so; but then I'll get distracted by something else and it'll pass. I'm not caught up in what you're doing, who you're with or what you think about. I don't imagine pretend scenarios that I come up with in my head anymore, nor do I care how you feel about me. I don't even care if you know how much you've affected me, even by half. I'm exhausted from our non-relationship, and find it utterly ridiculous now that we have all of this stupid nonsense between us. I suppose it's just one of those things now, isn't it? We're those people that seemed good together, but never managed to work it out.

Instead you've got her, and I have to say that I'm surprised you managed to keep it afloat this long, what, with everything that happened (you know, with me). You have her that took you back. You know her friends, her family, her areas, her life. And even though I may wonder why you ended up with her, why things seem to work with her and not me, why she's a better fit - I'm not jealous. I'm really not. I'm not sure why, but as much as I like to think that we worked, we didn't. I was never good for you, and you sure as hell were never good for me. I like to think of us like Stuart Dybek's characters - "we made not doing it a wonder, and yet we didn't, we didn't, we never did."

Posted by Sam at 02:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm sitting in the lounge by myself. It's quiet.

I'm reading Francine Prose and am absolutely amazed by a sentence that she has deconstructed by Virginia Woolf.

Considering how common illness is, how tremendous the spiritual change that it brings, how astonishing, when the lights of health go down, the undiscovered countries that are then disclosed, what wastes and deserts of the soul a slight attack of influenza brings to view, what precipices and lawns sprinkled with bright flowers a little rise of temperature reveals, what ancient and obdurate oaks are uprooted in us by the act of sickness, how we go down into the pit of death and feel the waters of annihilation close above our heads and wake thinking to find ourselves in the presence of the angels and the harpers when we have a tooth out and come to the surface in the dentist's arm-chair and confuse his "Rinse the mouth-rinse the mouth" with the greeting of the Deity stooping from the floor of Heaven to welcome us-when we think of this, as we are so frequently forced to think of it, it becomes strange indeed that illness has not taken its place with love and battle and jealousy among the prime themes of literature.

One sentence. That's 181 words in one. full. sentence.

Whilst reading this book (and a few others), my writing faith that I thought was lost, was found once again. It was restored and I was reminded why I love writing so much. It's not just because I love telling a story, but it is the actual words, the construction of writing that I love so much. I enjoy reading about words, why we use them, how we can use them, switch them about and make them sound more interesting or more appealing to the eyes.

It made me want to pick up a pen, or at least perch myself at my laptop for a few good hours and re-assemble everything I have ever written.

When I wrote the post below however many days ago, I was not a happy bunny. No. I was annoyed, pissed off and agitated beyond belief. Why was nothing going my way? Why does life suck? Why does my life suck in particular? Why is it that no matter what I do or try to do, I end up failing and things end up becoming even more shit? Blah, blah, blah. Moan, moan, moan.

And I had to blame it on someone. I had to blame the reason behind why everything I write (and perhaps everything I do) on someone or even something. So I blamed uni. Because isn't that the most logical answer?

Of course I wouldn't blame it on myself! Are you crazy? I am Sam, ladies and gentlemen. I am young, deep, depressed and hard to understand. I live my life the way I live my life, because I am just so up myself, and so complex, that nobody will ever understand me except me, therefore, my reasonings behind everything I do, will forever and always remain a mystery.

Only I'm not so fucking complex, and I'm sure as hell not a mystery. I am average. I'm normal. I'm every other 20-something university student that is trying to Figure It Out.

After Easter break, and I finally left the flat (which, to be honest, I think was a wonderful thing, and I should never be allowed to stay indoors for more than two days, regardless of my health), I got a bit more perspective and have accepted that yeah, while the majority of the things I write are shit, it's nobody's fault by my own. If I'm not going to my lectures, reading my books, keeping an open mind and listening to the constructive criticism, then of course I'm always going to sit in my shitty little flat, eating beans from cans and wondering why nobody understands the complexities of my labyrinth brain. I should stop being so fucking proud, accept my weaknesses and work on them.

So that's what I've been doing, and I've realized a lot over just a few short days. I'm hoping that one of these days, I'll be able to construct my own beautiful sentence like Virginia Woolf's that I quoted above, and will always remember the crush that I developed when I was in the second grade on words, sentences, paragraphs and stories as a whole.

Posted by Sam at 10:41 PM | Permalink

You remember when back in the day when I used to blog about how sad I was because I didn't live in London? And god, wasn't it just so tragic because I lived in Virginia, and life was just SO BORING. And I would whine, bitch, moan and complain for days, weeks, months even because I wasn't in the capital of England. My life sucked. It was horrible, and I was just the world's most boring person because I did admin work in northern VA. Remember that?

And remember how much you just wanted to punch me in the face because you were like, "COME ON SAM. Get the fuck over yourself already! There are way bigger problems in the world than you not living in one of the most expensive cities in the world, okay? SHUT UP."

Well, I'm sure I'm probably going to be even more annoying (as if that's possible, but I have found a way), and tell you...I'm not so sure this was the greatest life choice for me. I'm not having second thoughts, but...I kind of am having second thoughts. Only about certain things.

No, I don't regret any of it, but it's just making me think that things aren't going as I had originally thought. I was supposed to move over here, build my own little London Life, gain all of this amazing knowledge that was going to land me my dream job of doing some fantastic writing for a newspaper or magazine and have everyone love me, because gosh, being a tiny American girl in London is just so awesome. And they're so hard to come by these days. I am one in a million. ONE IN A MILLION.

Instead I took a slight detour and it feels like I've gotten lost. Now it seems like I have spent far too much time looking at the directions I was given and back tracking all over the goddamned place. I have seen that house one too many times, and I maybe I should pull over at a gas station and see if anyone knows where I should actually be going.

University is not at all what I expected. My lectures are shit, and I've only had maybe three that I've enjoyed and find interesting. Now that I type that though, I'd probably say two. There have only been two lectures. I struggle with my work, which is piss easy, and have lost all motivation whatsoever to do any of this. I came here to write, and now that the floor is wide open for me to do that, I can't be bothered. I wonder if it's one of those cases where once you get what you want, you're satisfied. You don't need anything else, and just want to go an tackle something else that's completely different.

But then I think about it a little more, and know that I still want to write. Even with everything that has happened since that fateful day when I landed in unknown territory almost two years ago, I still would like to write as a profession. Only now that I've gone to some of my lectures and have been taught all of these different things, different techniques, I've come to a standstill when it comes to my work. I'm constantly second guessing myself, doubting myself, and saying, "no, that's shit. Scrap it all and start again. Loser."

I'll admit, some of the things that they have told me have been semi-helpful, but everything else has just torn apart everything that I thought I knew and have replaced it with their ways, their words, their processes. And quite frankly, I hate it. They're shit. They piss me off. They make me angry and want to scream in their faces, "look at what you've done to me! I used to enjoy my writing, and was kind of decent. Now everything that I write it absolute garbage!" There's no panache. I'm no longer quippy. I have nothing interesting to say. Everybody is writing heartfelt, meaningful, touching, brilliant pieces, and everything that I touch or think is just a big pile of steaming dog shit.

I have lost the writing faith, so to speak.

I blame it on them. And on myself. And on my surroundings.

When I think back on where I used to write, and how I used to write, I was always alone. Completely alone. Sometimes I'd have music, and other times it'd be silent. I'd be at my desk, at work, or I'd think about things in my car whilst in traffic. That was my place. I would think of everything in my car, in traffic, smoking, with my music and alone. It worked. It felt right. I enjoyed it.

Now, now I don't have that option. Things changed. I don't have my car. I don't have the option to sit in traffic with my cigarettes and album of the week, to sort through my thoughts and come up with different things that I'd like to write. No. Instead I have this tiny ass flat with Trish, Carlene and Helen all inside it at the same time with me. Looking at me. Breathing in the same room. Sitting across from me. Interrupting me by knocking on the door, or asking me to listen to something that they've written, never mind that I'm writing my own shit.

I love my girls. Really, I do. They're my family, my sisters, my comrades. We laugh together, we drink together, we go out together, cry together, and do oh so many other things together. But writing. My writing. When I write. I have to do that alone. In my own space. In my own time. My own uninterrupted time.

And sometimes I'll go to my room, but they come in there too, just to say hi or to see if I'm still awake.

Yes, dear. I'm still awake. And I need you to leave now so I can keep the creative flow flowing.

I don't want to say to them, "can you all just leave me alone for about five hours please? Don't come in my room, don't knock on my door, don't send me IM messages, text messages or emails. Just pretend I'm not here. Or that I went on a cruise and am unable to reach." I don't want to say that, because I do like the fact that they just knock whenever and chill in my room with me from time to time. Sometimes I like the distraction. It's a welcome break, and reminds me that I'm not a hermit that lives inside a tiny cave. And also, saying that to them would be really harsh. I don't want them to think that I'm annoyed with them, because I'm not. I'm just annoyed with myself and that every single thing that I've ever written here has done absolutely nothing for me. If I don't feel it, then I won't write it. I'll stop, put it aside, and never think about it ever again.

I think I need a new location. I need a place that I can sneak away to and hide whenever I want to get in some serious writing time. A place where I can be alone, completely alone, that nobody knows about, and has the same vibe as when I was at work or in my car. I need to recreate that kind of atmosphere here. I would consider my room, but aside from everyone and their uncle knocking on my door, I don't like my room. I don't have a desk, therefore only leaving my bed as the only space to work, and after laying there for two hours, I just want to take a nap for five hours, which defeats the purpose of me getting in "some serious writing time."

I've thought about the library, but libraries scare me. I don't like being left there alone for too long, especially at nighttime. I think about old spirits that wander in between all of the bookcases (because every library is haunted), and get distracted about ghosts and other scary forces that I can't see. Cafés are annoying and cliché. Besides, I'd probably spend too much money buying tea after tea after tea, and muffin after muffin after brownie. I don't have anybody's house that I can go to that's nearby. There's nothing. I have nothing.

But...now that I think about it...there is Helen's room. I like Helen's room. And if my memory serves me correct, she doesn't really work at her desk that she has in her room. That perfectly good desk. I generally find her on her bed with her books all sprawled out and surrounding her in a little book fort. I could sit at her desk with my iPod playing sweet serenades in my ears while she quietly worked behind me. I would have the feeling of being alone, without actually being alone (no scary ghosts), and when I would get into my "writing zone" I could just politely ask everyone to not bother me unless something serious has happened; like a fire in the kitchen, or breaking news about Britney Spears.

Of course I'd have to ask Helen first and make sure it was okay that I would always be hanging out in her room clicking away furiously at my keyboard. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. I hope she doesn't mind. It's the first place that I've thought of that doesn't make me heave. And it's local (about five steps away from my bedroom).

I'll ask and see. All I know is that something drastic has got to change for me, and soon. I'm so tired of feeling like everything I write is shit, and wondering if I was just better off on the third and fifth floor doing everyone's bidding. This short story that I'm currently writing, is the first thing where we've had a little bit of creative freedom, and now I'm even having issues with that. I read every sentence and think about a different way I could construct it, or what can I change to make it sound more interesting? Can I cut something out? Is that really necessary to include? And look at me blogging again, using up all that time, and all of those words that could have been used in my story. There I go babbling, and rambling about some stupid scene that doesn't need to be included. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I hate you creative writing degree. Eat my shit and kiss my ass. I'll write my own goddamned shit, my own goddamned way, in my own goddamned time. And fuck you if you don't like it.

End of rant. Happy thoughts please.

Posted by Sam at 04:40 PM | Permalink

The past two weeks of my Easter break have been...well...nice? Decent? Relaxing? I suppose a combination of all three. I haven't really done that much, but similarly it feels like I've been keeping myself occupied for the most part. I've only got one week left of this slouching about and then it's back up to uni for two more weeks of lectures and then that's it. No more until my two exams.

Since I've been sat at the flat for most of my break, I decided to submit for endless amounts of jobs to make myself feel less guilty and keep all of my fingers and toes crossed that somebody would be willing to pay me a decent and steady wage until it's time for me to go back to VA for my summer break. I thought I had lucked out when a lady by the name of Kelly, sent me an email about a typing position and wanted someone ASAP. I'm a freak when it comes to typing (112 wpm, seriously), and figured this was right up my alley. She only sent me the one email back describing what the job was, and I haven't heard from her since. Bitch.

But then I got another call from a man named, Simon, this past Thursday. He works for a recruitment agency and asked if I could come in on that Friday to meet with him. I was elated, ecstatic, and through the roof with excitement. I was going on my first interview for an admin position here in London! Woot! Of course I was brought back down to earth though when he told me that they weren't hiring, but that they recruited people and he could help me find a job, which was good enough for me in the end. I have to send him an email with the dates of my exams, and while I'm waiting for those days to approach, he said he'd send me on interviews with any job prospects that happen to pass over his desk. So I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

On the way back from my meeting with Simon, though, I was walking up the stairs to my flat when I saw this really old woman who lives next door to us sat on the stairs with another woman slightly bent and speaking to her. I quickly took out my earbuds, paused Sugar and asked if she was okay.

Apparently, our 87-year-old neighbor, fainted on the way down the stairs and bumped her head on the wall. The paramedics had already been called and now this good samaritan lady was trying to help her up and back into her flat. I did my small piece as well, by holding her cane while waiting for the paramedics.

The good samaritan lady, however, didn't stick around long, and once she helped get her back into her flat, she pissed off and disappeared. I sat there with her for a little bit, and asked if she needed anything. She told me that she was just going into Putney to pick up a few things and visit her daughter who was in a mental ward because she has schizophrenia. "She's a real nightmare," she said to me, and I tried not to laugh a little. You would think that a mother wouldn't say something like that about their own child, but she seemed to be really annoyed that she had to go all the way into Putney (which is only ten minutes down the road from me; I've walked there a couple of times) to visit her.

She was eventually taken to the hospital, despite her fussing and stubbornness, and I asked one of the paramedics what her name is, in case we wanted to go to the hospital and visit her. And we did go into Kingston to visit her, but she hadn't arrived or been checked in yet. I left my mobile number with one of the nurses and said to give it to her once she got back home.

Yesterday, as I was sitting downstairs reading one of my books for American Literature, my phone began to ring and I noticed it was an unknown number. Generally I don't answer them in case it's our estate agent collecting rent (which I've still yet to pay), but with all of my CVs that are floating out there, I thought it might be someone who wanted to offer me a job.

No. It was our dear old neighbor, Olive. She had been released from the hospital and asked me if I didn't mind running down to the shop for her to pick up a few things. It was a little random and caught me by surprise, but I said that I didn't mind and would be round next door in a bit after I got ready. Even though it was nearly half three in the afternoon, I still hadn't showered or put proper clothes on. I know, I'm a skank, but I didn't plan on leaving and it's only just me, Trish and Carlene in the flat.

Carlene and I popped down to the shop for her, and to be honest, it was really nice to get out of the flat and walk around. The weather has been slowly getting nicer and nicer, and I was able to leave the flat with short sleeves and no jacket. Although, by the time we were making our way back up to the flat, I could feel it start to get a little bit chilly.

We chatted with her for a bit in her doorway, smiled, nodded and refused her money when she tried to give us a tenner for taking fifteen minutes out of our lives to leave the flat. "Are you sure, deary?" she said to me. "I'm positive. Put your money away. We really don't mind."

After we did our good deed for the day, we went back into our own flat and chilled out. I finished reading my book, Trish did a bit of coursework and Carlene chatted on the phone for a little bit with family back home in Texas. It was a decent day.

The book that I've finished reading though, The Virginian, is really good. It's a country-western, and apparently the first one ever written, which lead to the famous, John Wayne, and other famous cowboys that I'm not familiar with, but should be. I have to admit, I've got a huge crush on The Virginian. He's hot. And such the gentleman. If only I could be so lucky to find a man that would stand up for my honor, even though we had never properly met. I want someone who says to another man, "Rise on your legs, you pole cat, and tell them you're a liar," because he had spoken ill of me in front of a group. That would do it for me. Totally make my day.

It's Monday now. The last Monday of our break. Our delightful little break. Part of me doesn't want uni to start up again. To see everyone and deal with everything is just so exhausting to think about. But I suppose the sooner I get all of this shit done, the sooner I can wrap up second year, toss it in the bin and forget it ever happened. That is what I can't wait for. Third year should be a lot nicer, since I'll be back on campus, in my old house (not the same floor though), and have my own little duckling freshers to look after. That's going to be funny. I find it uncanny though, how all of us that applied for floor rep, managed to get floor rep. Me, Alex, Carlene, Fiona and Santos have all made it back on campus with the new responsibility of taking care of the wee yearlings. Random, but cool. I can't wait for third year. Just thinking about third year....third year....third year....

Posted by Sam at 02:00 PM | Permalink

What is it about going to other people's houses that makes you feel extra special? Well, generally it does anyway. It's always fun to look around and see all of the new things. Where do they hide their bowls? Because they are hiding. Or how do you work the shower? It's a mystery and there are always new discoveries. I'm not sure if it's extremely rude or not, but sometimes I can't help but to have a nose around and see what other people have. It's interesting to see what other people use to wash their dishes, or what they keep in the bottom drawer in the kitchen. Our drawer back home is what we call the "junk drawer". That's where we look if we need an emergency light bulb or double A batteries.

Helen was lovely and invited me to stay with her for a coupe of days over Easter break at her house back in Kingston, which is about fifteen minutes away from uni. I jumped on the chance to get out of the flat since I had been cooped up inside for four days.

Four days. I stayed inside. And did nothing.

Saying that though, it was mostly my fault, but where was I going to go? What was I going to do all alone?

Trish was at home, but her boyfriend, Will, was down to visit her for a couple of days. I was feeling very much like a third wheel, and I never really know what to do when people are in the middle of Public Displays of Affection. Every so often I would hear them smooching on the other sofa, and while I'm glad that Trish has a man that makes her happy (every woman deserves that), I'm not too comfortable being the only one in the room while they're making love eyes at each other. I never know what to do or where to look, or should I leave?

Helen said if I wanted to get away from the love nest for a little while, I could crash at her place. I basically packed a few clothes and Bridget to move from doing nothing in one place, and going to do nothing in a new place. And quite frankly, it's refreshing.

Even though it's not my house, and I'm not surrounded by my things, it's a home. Helen's mom and dad are here and they're so lovely. We had a home cooked Sunday dinner last night which reminded me of being back home when Momma would cook for Mel and me. Helen's mom is so cute and is always asking if I'm okay. Would I like a cup of tea or anything else to eat? Am I sure that I'm full, would I like any dessert?

Yes, Mrs. P, I'd love another cookie.

It's cozy and we watch bad daytime television together. I also get a different vibe here which makes me feel like nothing would ever go wrong. Parents are here and they take care of us. We're not uni students that struggle on our own. No. We're 7-years-old and we're having an extended sleep over.

Last night Helen and I had a hench chat about stuff that we haven't talked about in a very long time. Boy drama from back in the day, and talking about what third year of uni is going to be like. There are so many new changes over the hill for us, and I wonder what it's going to be like. I wonder what it's going to do to us as people. Second year has definitely been a depressing one (in some ways, more depressing than first year), and I get the feeling that everyone can't wait for it to be done and over with so we can just shove all of the horrifying memories in a small box and tuck it away on top of a shelf in our wardrobes. I just want to forget that a lot of things even happened.

At the moment though, it feels like none of those terrible events even happened. I have gotten a sneak peek into one of the houses that I see whenever I'm stuck on the bus. It's nice and warm in the kitchen, and comfortable in the living room. I don't worry about what I'm going to eat or if we have electric. I just lay in my room in my pajamas and listen to Helen's family outside of my door. And even though Virginia is over 3,000 miles away, I feel right at home all the same.

Posted by Sam at 03:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This whole week I've done a whole lot of nothin'. Not a damn thing.

Well, I suppose that's a lie. I did leave the flat on Wednesday to take some of my posters down around uni and found out that I made floor rep for next year. Wahey! It'll be fun to have my own group of little freshers, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, just so I can introduce them to the crazy life in the small uni bubble and fuck 'em all up. I'm really excited and can't wait.

Aside from that though, nothing. I've been sat on the couch with Trish watching all of my dvds on Bridget. To be honest it has been really nice, but now that the end of the week has reached us, I feel a tiny bit guilty. I mean, this break is for us to work and catch up on writing essay and coursework. I shouldn't be slouching around the flat. I should at least be looking for a job.

So to ease my guilty conscious somewhat, I applied for about seven jobs online last night that I found. I hope someone calls. I might re-write my whole CV though and make it more "UK friendly". I'm not sure if there is a specific way that I should write mine, but I don't think it makes the list for people around here.

All of the jobs were admin/receptionist jobs that are similar to what I did when I worked back with Momma. It's easy, I've got tons of experience and I think it would be good for me to get back into a routine like I had back home. If I can find a nice equal balance like the life I had back in VA and incorporate it with going out at night like I do here, then I'll be set. I'll have a nice steady income and a means for me to go out and pay my rent.

Of course I've also been looking for freelance writing jobs, but I don't even think I'm looking in the right area for that. I would like to write, whether I get paid or not, just so my name can be out there and I can get some actual writing credentials on my CV. That would be ideal. Although, I'm not sure where I should be looking for freelance writing opportunities. You would think that my uni would be more helpful in that arena, but it's really not. Our writing department sucks.

Yesterday I also managed to clean my room which looked like a hurricane ripped through it. I had to de-boy the entire place since I let Erik crash in there when he visited me. As much as I like to think that I'm gross and can live in a disgusting hole for the entire Easter break, I'm not. I have to be a little clean and a little organized, otherwise I might just go insane.

Otherwise, not much is going on in the World of Sam. Just back with the same 'ole problems as last year, just not as depressed as when they first hit me. I know everyone has the same problems as I do. It's a just a matter of how you deal with it this time around, and hoping for the best even though everything at the moment looks pretty grim.

Posted by Sam at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

The thing about politics is that generally there's a winner and there's a loser. Unfortunately this time around, I was a loser.

Yeah. It sucks.

I didn't get international officer.

28 votes people! 28 votes and that position would have been mine.

The good news is that the night I found out, I went to Whitelands bar (her territory) and had everyone, and I mean everyone tell me that they wished it would have been me to get the position and not her. My friend, Anant, was particularly not impressed and said he wasn't looking forward to working with her. But, that there are top up elections and that I should go for newspaper editor, which I think I might actually do. I mean, after I was upset for all of two seconds, I thought about it and realized I'm not a diplomat. I'd get tired of being such an official capacity and that newspaper editor was probably more my thing. My scene. I mean, it is what I would like to do in the future.

I also took comfort in knowing that Adam, aka Guinness, said that he really didn't want to make the call because he was really pulling for me. A lot of people just kept saying that there was nothing else I could do to have been more out there. My posters were everywhere, my name, my face, my body was everywhere. I went out to different events, I stood and walked around campus for two weeks, handing out flyers, talking to people, standing in the wind and rain trying to get more votes. I got a small bit of the flu, cold chills and still have a slightly phlegmy cough. I did everything, even if in my warped brain I still think I could have done more.

I definitely don't regret any of it though. I have met so many people and have realized so many great things. People who I haven't seen or spoken to in ages have come up to me and said that they voted for me and how much of a shitter it is that I lost. I tell them not to worry though, because I'll be in the RSU next year, just in a position that suits me better.

I spoke to Mo, the chick who won, and we did the whole 'congrats on winning, you were a good sport' conversation, and she doesn't seem too awful. I think she might actually want to do some good, and she's excited about working with me next year in making sure that international students are properly represented, especially in the newspaper. I told her it would be cool, because we'd have two international people up in the RSU, and we could cover more ground with both of us up there.

Of course I still think she has shitty friends who I definitely do not get along with. Who I actually got in a fight with on Friday at the bop, and then proceeded to get kicked out of the bop.

Yeah. It was DRAMA. Although, now when I look at it, I think it's really funny.

Do you remember that third year bitch that told me I was going to lose? Yeah, I got in a scrap with her. I guess she was so elated that Mo had beaten me in the elections, she felt the need to laugh extremely loud and be an obnoxious twat at the bop. Zoe was not having any of it and asked her to quit her shit (but a lot more diplomatically). We wouldn't have done that if Mo had lost and she had no reason to be such a cunt to me.

Well, the stupid, fat chav started getting mouthy as they do. I told Zoe not to worry about it and just ignore her. We went to the toilets, but after we left I somehow got separated from her. I went outside to the courtyard looking for her, and when I didn't see anyone I recognized, I marched right up to Jordan (who was also standing next to Swindon), and asked him where Zoe was. Shit was about to kick off and I needed to find her. He pointed up at the picnic tables where I saw Zoe standing with Carlene, Fiona and Despo smoking a cigarette. That fat chav and her friends were standing in a group next to them and mouthing off.

I don't remember the exact details, because I was very drunk and I think I might have actually blacked out, but all that I can remember is that I saw that stupid bitch push Zoe, and after that I just remember being held back by five other people and screaming at her, "don't you fucking start in on my goddamned friends you fucking, cunting chav! Don't you fucking start in on them!"

Yeah, it wasn't pretty. I then proceeded to get escorted off the premise by two bouncers and everyone saw. EVERYONE. Oh well.

It was a heavy evening, and I cried, mostly because I was drunk and alone. I yelled at the bouncers. I was standing outside of the gates, and when one of them asked me what my surname was I just yelled back, "fuck you!" and "you're an asshole!"

It wasn't exactly my greatest shining moment, but hopefully people will think that I'm a hard ass and won't try to start anything with me or my friends ever again. I'm a little mortified that everybody saw (especially Swindon), but at the same time I'm not. I just think it's really funny and another drunk Sam story.

Now it's Easter break. Erik left yesterday to go back to VA. And me? I'm EXHAUSTED. After two and a half weeks of campaigning and then having Erik around, I am flat out shattered. For the past two days I haven't done anything except slept and lounge around the flat. I'm thinking about staying in the entire Easter break and not doing anything except my coursework and eating. I could do it as well, because Erik brought me a carton of cigarettes, so there's really no need for me to leave. By the time uni started up again, I'd be completely refreshed and probably a little yellow from lack of sunlight.

I'm just happy that I get to rest and chill out for a little bit. And to do some writing. I'm really excited about that. In the meantime, how have y'all been? I've missed you guys!

Posted by Sam at 04:56 PM | Permalink

- I have been reunited with my beloved. Oh, my darling Bridget. This feels normal and right. I picked her up earlier today and now I've been spending most of the evening getting her set up back to how she was before....well....the accident. I have to re-load some things, get some pictures back on her and she'll be like it never happened. And we can just forget that that horrible thing ever happened.

- Campaign week has been kicking my ass. Of course I'm not going to let my opponent know that. My mood was dampened a bit earlier today as well, when I saw that someone had written on one of my posters, "We don't vote 4 slags." It's okay though, because I'm over it now. I don't care, and it's just going to make me that much happier when I WIN.

- I have fallen out big time with my now ex-friend, Santos, who I haven't really mentioned on here before, but we did used to hang out quite a bit. It's a very long-winded story that I really cannot be bothered to type out at the moment, because my brain simply cannot form any words strong enough to convey how upset, angry and hurt I was at the time....but maybe one day, when I'm not constantly thinking, "VOTE SAM" I'll write it all out.

- Erik (from VA) is going to be visiting me in exactly one week now. I can't wait, although he will be coming at the end of campaigning, so I'll probably be a useless tour guide. I'm hoping since he has already been here before, he won't want to do the Central tour thing...and maybe just hang out at the flat with me and make fajitas. That would be awesome.

- The date was postponed....AGAIN....because some of the guys couldn't all make it together. So I've now been told that it's sometime next week. I'm not holding my breath.

- Regular posting shall commence when I can actually keep my eyes open throughout the entire time I'm typing up a post.

Much love. Vote Sam.

Posted by Sam at 10:33 PM | Permalink

I rented a temporary laptop from the library on Friday. It's just not the same. Things look differently on this adopted laptop. They feel different. I dislike it immensely. I miss my darling Bridget.

I still haven't heard back from the Apple hospital, but I figure I did drop her off late on Thursday evening. It's only Sunday. And I suppose no news is good news?

Until I hear back from the folks at Apple though, I guess I should be grateful that I do have this loaner...I can check the internet at my own leisure, which is handy, so I'm not constantly asking the girls if I can nick their laptops for a little bit just to check my facebook.

But still...things aren't in the same place. I'm lost on this old school IBM laptop that's cold and impersonal. I hate it.

Aside from the laptop drama, I've been a busy little bee as of late. Again, I'm behind on uni work and am getting letters and warnings already about my work. Honestly, I'm afraid I might fail. This year is definitely not going as planned, but I hope to try and turn some things around in the next week or two. But it's not like I'm not doing the work because I don't feel like it. I've just got way too many other things going on at the moment. Campaign week starts bright and early tomorrow morning promptly at 8am, I have a floor rep interview on Friday at 3:30pm, I have to make a speech on Tuesday at 6:00pm, oh yeah, and the long awaited date is finally this Wednesday.

I've also got to go out and be social for the next two weeks with money that I simply do not have. The number that I owe people steadily climbs upwards, whilst the funding in my own account is swiftly disappearing. The rent is two weeks overdue, I don't have a job, but have plenty of stress to go around and share with everyone.

I want to scream.

But I don't. Instead I sleep, because I figure that's more beneficial to me and everyone within earshot.

How do things get like this? When did I allow for things to just get so crazy without me noticing what was happening? Why am I such a freak and can't just get things done, sorted and out of the way? I really want someone to just come in and help me out. I think I might have bitten off far more than I can chew.

I suppose on the bright side of things, Mel told me that her and Momma are going to be getting their taxes done on Monday. Apparently I'm supposed to be getting a nice chunk of change, and that will help out loads when it finally comes in. I'm just glad that Momma is OCD about getting her taxes done early, rather than waiting until the very last minute (which is probably more something I would do).

I'm just not used to being busy. Like, really busy to where people depend on me for things. I'll find a groove and then things will hopefully run a lot more smoothly.

I do have competition in this year's election for my intnernational officer spot. Her name is, Mo. Seriously. As if that's a real name. Pffft....whatevs. She's from Holland (I think) and her "3rd year" friend/campaign manager felt the need to tell me this past Friday at the bop that I was going to lose.

Ha! Whatever. I was really looking forward to this being a clean campaign without any fuss, but her friend just pissed me off and made me kick my campaign into high gear. You do not tell me I'm going to lose. I could have punched her.

I have lots of people around me who are going to help me out (thank goodness), and I'm sure that by the end of next week, I would have kicked her ass in the elections and win by a landslide of votes. Bitch.

This weekend I've mostly just been in bed, thinking, thinking, constantly thinking about things that I have coming up. I know I shouldn't overthink things, because it's just going to make me stress out even more, but I can't help it. Ugh, especially about this date, that I'm actually not looking forward to anymore. Before I would have been fine, but now I've had time (too much time) to think about it, and now I've built it up far too much, therefore leaving me with expectations that I'm sure will not be met, and leaving me crushed. By my crush.

Blah....my brain is just so crowded with stuff I can't even write properly. How am I supposed to write creatively when all I keep on thinking is, "campaign, date, no clothes, dirty flat, essays, books I haven't read, no food, no time for food, have I peed today?" Oh yeah, that sounds really good.

Posted by Sam at 11:50 AM | Permalink

I shall temporarily be offline since Bridget, my darling laptop, is currently at the Apple hospital being worked on.

I know! Not only am I completely devestated and worried, but now I'm disconnected from the internet. I didn't realize just how much I use Bridget until she was gone. It's like living without my right arm. She stopped working this Tuesday, and I've been scrambling ever since, running back and forth to Kingston, trying to get her sorted. Last night I left her at the shop, and now I'm just waiting, and waiting, and waiting....which is the worst part.

Hopefully she won't be gone for too long. I'm going to try and see if I can rent a laptop over the weekend from uni, because I can't keep borrowing everyone's here at the flat, nor can I continuously walk up to uni just for the internet. Especially with the amount of times I check facebook. I might as well just grab a camp bed and set up for the whole evening.

The guy at the shop, who was incredibly lovely, said it appears to be my hard drive. Yep. The hard drive. I'm going to lose everything on there, but I'm not too worried, because all of my music is safe on Carrie, my external hard drive. The only thing I'm really pissed about losing is the beginning of my short story, although that was only about 300 words, and I can easily re-write that again.

It's just a pain in my ass to not have her, especially now that life has just gone from 2-50 on the scale of how busy life is. This is only the beginning, and already I'm shattered. It's okay though, because I'll have a bit of a break over the weekend, but this next coming week might actually kill me.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that my date is going to be this Wednesday? Yeah. Things just keep getting better and better.....

Proper updates when I've been re-united with my first child.

Posted by Sam at 09:25 AM | Permalink

Today was one of the nicest days London has had in a while. It wasn't hot. It wasn't cold. It was sunny and perfect.

As the day went on, the sun set and the wind began to pick up a little. Some clouds rolled in over the sky and made it darker in our little flat. And after a little while longer, the wind was so fierce it felt as if the walls might be pushed over into a slant because of the sheer force.

There wasn't any rain though. Just extreme winds. I stood in the doorway at our balcony and felt the wind whip all around me, almost threatening to pick me up and have me ride the wind waves.

It seems like that will be happening to my schedule soon. I was cruising along happily in my wind-free life, only now to start seeing the clouds roll in. The next few weeks are going to very busy for me.

My head has been muddled up for the past couple of hours, while I've been tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep. I probably shouldn't have had that nap in the middle of the day, but I woke up really early, had gone to bed the previous night really late. I thought a quick power nap would do me good. Not so much. It only appears to have messed up my body clock.

Today I went to my lecture at 9am. I stopped off at Brenda's for an egg and bacon sandwich. I went into our student union and picked up a form for elections week. Why you ask? Why because I've decided to run for International Officer for next year. I would like to make a difference in our international affairs seeing as I am an international student myself, and thought what better way to do so than run for a this highly sought after position.

Well, I'm not too sure if it's highly sought after, but to me it is.

I need to get two signatures from each of our colleges (eight in total, so not too hard) by this Friday, and I'm meeting with our current international officer on Wednesday to see what the position is all about, what I can do to change things, how I should campaign, what should I write in my manifesto, blah, blah, blah... My manifesto is due in this Friday by 5pm and at 5:30pm I shall be attending a meeting for all of the people who are running for different offices. It should be interesting. I hope. Or possibly quite terrifying.

Campaign week is all of next week, which means I will be out every. single. night. You have to. You have to mingle with the student body, get your name and face out there (as if mine isn't already) and encourage people to vote for you. It's politics baby, and I'm diving in head first.

On top of all of this, I have about four essays to write, a short story to write, two birthdays to attend to and all while looking for a job because I'm still skint. That's not including all of the books I have to read and boring lectures I must attend.

And yet, here I sit, partially awake and unable to sleep. My alarm will be going off in approximately four and a half hours, and the only wink of sleep I've had is that stupid mini "power nap" I had earlier in the day. I don't mind that I'm busy now, although I just wish it would have come when I didn't have financial worries on top of everything. That stresses me out the most, and wondering how I'm going to pay the rent along with all of the other things whirling around me makes my chest a little bit tighter. I'm trying to think about it, whilst at the same time pretend it's not there and all I've been able to accomplish is lack of sleep and extreme headaches.

I suppose the only real good thing amongst this entire wind storm that I have going on, is that I received a message from Mel today telling me not to worry about New York anymore. Momma has agreed to let me stay in London for my third year since she has finally come to her senses and realized that it would cost a lot more money to move me all the way to New York and have me start all over again. She's going to call me on Saturday so we can chat about it in full and again, talk about my future.

At least it's one thing I can cross off my list. Now if I can manage to survive the rest of the next two weeks, I should be good to go. We shall see.

Posted by Sam at 02:38 AM | Permalink

I woke up at exactly eight o'clock this morning when my alarm started buzzing.

Exactly at eight o'clock. Not 7:58 or 8:03 in the morning. Eight on the dot.

I loafed around the flat for four hours before I actually decided that I should have a shower. I fluffed around for a couple more hours getting ready with no real place to go. I made some food. I chatted shit with Trish for a bit. And finally, finally around half three in the afternoon, I decided to do some work. Perhaps look at some jobs, since I'm unemployed, yet again, and am poor, yet again.

I found a couple of jobs with potential and applied for them. I'm keeping all of my fingers and toes crossed for one in particular, mostly because it's a lazy job that pays pretty decent. I'd only have to work for two hours every day, and I could work from home. Easy as cake, and it's working on Powerpoint, which is something I've been playing with for fun since I was twelve. I recieved an email back from a man named, Roger, who said that they would consider my CV (resume) and get back to me.

We want this job for Sammi Jo. Sammi Jo would ROCK this job. And now Sammi Jo will stop speaking in third person because it's really annoying.

However, before I spent a few hours job searching, I found myself in a place that seems to be comforting to me. It wasn't until about ten minutes of sitting at my window, staring out into nothing in particular, that I realized this was probably another form of a security blanket for me. All last year, I would find myself perched at my window, kneeling on my bed that was pushed up against the wall, and staring out over Digby below me. I would do this for ages, occasionally leaving to check what was new on the internet, or to go into the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea.

I haven't really done it here at the flat, mostly because my view isn't anything special. I have a messy garden below and another set of boring flats to look at across the way. Today, though, I found myself in a familar mood that I used to get in last year, and subsequently found myself in a familar place at my window.

I watched people come and go from the other flats, saw a few people walking down the street, and watched the big, ginger cat that lives in our neighborhood wander around for a bit. And I stared. I blatantly stared, but I wasn't thinking about what I was staring at. I was thinking about why am I in this "blah" mood. It's not the weather; it rains in England. That has always been a known fact. I'm not sad, and I'm not fantastically happy either. I'm not anything really. If I had to put an emotion to it, I would probably just pick bored. I'm so ridiculously bored with everything.

I continued to think about it, and it's all my fault that I'm bored. Yes, I have coursework to do, and yes I need to be actively figuring out how to get money in my hands and fast, but I'm just so bored with everything I can't really be bothered to do anything about it.

The circles went round and round in my brain, and after thinking about how bored I've been recently, I eventually got angry with myself. Why did I let things get like this? Why am I constantly blabbing on about the same shit all the time? Am I not the person who is always saying if you don't like something, then fucking do something about it? Don't just sit around on your ass and wish for things to happen. Get out there and make shit happen. That's the only way it's going to happen. Sure, for some people things may magically fall into their laps, but for those of us that aren't as fortunate, we have to bust our asses to get what we want and deserve.

I mentally shouted at myself, in a manner that Momma would have done so, and kicked myself in the ass for falling down, yet again, and forced myself to stop being so goddamned lethargic, because it's really pissing me off. Then I gave myself a hug and a bowl of ice-cream, because shouting at myself like that sometimes hurts my feelings.

The good thing is that I'm able to recognize that I'm feeling this way and can put a stop to it a lot faster, rather than letting it consume me until things get so bad that I have to have someone else come in and clean everything up for me. It's fine if I stumble every so often. For me, it's kind of expected. Things aren't always so peachy and rose colored for me. I don't sail along on smooth waters. No, I'm in the fucking ocean in the middle of a hurricane without a life jacket all the time.

I'm in London. I'm a 22-year-old single white female that goes to uni and is a writer. I'm a writer goddammit. I write. And I'm confident (well, I can portray confidence pretty well). And I'm qualified. I have skills. I can do things really well. And other things that I'm not great at, we won't worry about because they're no use. I'm ready, I'm willing and I want my life in London to change for me. For the better.

For the better.

Posted by Sam at 07:51 PM | Permalink

Because I'm lame, I've just now decided to try and add pictures to my blog. I know. I'm in the process of educating myself on how to do it, and I think I've got it....sort of. I just need to figure out how to make the pictures smaller, 'cos they are quite big. So, if this works out, then the picture below should be one that I took whilst in Amsterdam.

Keep your fingers crossed.

View image

Posted by Sam at 03:41 PM | Permalink

Being hungover hurts. We know this. It's not a new concept that we've discovered. And being hungover all day? Sucks.

Late yesterday afternoon, Trish and I decided to venture out to Putney (which really isn't that far; maybe ten minutes on the bus). I wanted to go to HMV and Sainsbury's to pick up some things, and Trish came along with me. It was a bit late in the day, but I figured, why not? I've been sat at the house doing nothing. I might as well go outside and embrace this nice weather that we've been having recently (even if it is still really cold).

We decided while we were there to stop into this one bar that I've never been to before since they were having a deal on their cocktails: buy one get one free. To two poor, alcoholic uni students, that sounded like a fucking good bargain, so in we went.

While we were sat at the bar, we got to talking about Trish's birthday which is coming up here in a couple of weeks. She was telling me how she doesn't want it to be a big deal, and I mentioned the idea that maybe she should have a pub crawl in Putney. It'd be easy peasy, and she'd get drunk really fast, just like how you should do on your 21st birthday.

"Should we have a mini pub crawl tonight?" Trish asked me with a sly look on her face.

"Oh don't do that. Don't say that when you know I'm an alcoholic and can't resist."

We went to two other pubs, and found ourselves stationed at a pub that I quite like called, the Slug 'n' Lettuce. It was pretty busy in there for a Sunday and the music was decent. We weren't planning on getting trashed, at least not until Trish came back to our table next to the window with two sambuca shots.

"Gross. No. No, no, no, no. The last time I did this I threw up all over Leicester Square," I said to Trish with a look of absolute disgust on my face. God, I could smell it wafting up my nostrils and wanted to heave.

"Oh come on! It'll go quick. Come on. Come on," she egged me on.

We went ahead and downed our shots and I was quickly reminded why I hate sambuca. It took all of my energy to not spit it out on Trish's face.

It was a good evening, and I found myself in a happy, chipper, drunk mood. I wasn't completely out of control like how I can usually get, and it was nice to just be out and having a few drinks with one of my girls.

We were outside having a smoke break, when we started having a conversation with another fellow smoker named, Pete. Pete was sweet. He was cute. He was funny. He also held my attention for more than five minutes, so I was pleased.

Pete came and joined us at our table, and I think we were so excited to actually have a man in our company, and mixed in with the alcohol that we had consumed that was still being released into our bloodstreams, we kind of took things a little overboard.

And by "a little" I mean, we scared the poor boy and sent him running for the hills.

The thing about Trish and I, is that not only are we both Americans, but we consider ourselves to be Super Americans. We are loud, obnoxious and we fucking love it. We can easily create havoc just by ourselves when we're left alone together and sober, so you can just imagine what we're like when we've got a bit of alcohol running through us. We're Super Americans to the max.

Trish and I were constantly talking, talking, talking, and I could see poor little Pete's head looking at each of us, as if he were watching a really intense Wimbledon tennis match. We told him stories that we find fucking hilarious, because mostly they're just inside jokes between us, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed at ourselves. I think he might have got four words in the entire time he was sat with us.

When he found a break in the conversation, he excused himself to go to the toilet and outside to smoke. He took his pint with him. He didn't come back.

He did, however, leave his hat and scarf down on the floor next to my stool, and before Trish and I left at closing time, we decided we'd be funny and take his things home with us. Because we are just SO COOL like that.

We ran out of the pub as if we were being chased by the police, and laughed at the bus stop with the fact that we "got away with it." We did not get away with it. He was already gone.

After that moment, I have no memory of what happened. All I barely remember is that I really needed the toilet, and how it is my greatest fear that I get ridiculously drunk and piss on myself. One, it's embarrassing. Two, it's nasty. And three, I'd forever be known as the girl that pissed on herself.

Apparently, what Trish and I have been told by Carlene, who was sober and trying to go to sleep when we finally made it back to the flat, was that we were yelling at each other, we moved furniture around, we tried making food (but I don't think we succeeded), and I screamed at the top of my lungs from our balcony something along the lines of "hello neighborhood! It's Sam and Trish!" Good times.

This morning, I was hungover. Badly. I was woken up by my phone alarm at eight o'clock in the morning, which was downstairs, so I was forced to get out of bed and shut it off. I was topless for some reason, my jeans were in the kitchen on the floor and my head was pounding like I had a construction crew of fifty inside my skull hammering away. I wanted to die.

The rest of the day has been okay, but I've still got a wee bit of a headache, and I've done nothing except piss about on the internet. I joined BlogRoll and have managed to fuck up my links bar. I don't have my dots. I want my dots. My dots make my blog. And it's my fault that they're gone. So I'll be trying to fix that for the next couple of days since I am technologically challenged. I've also been pissing about with Twitter and now I can update that from my phone, which is oh so important.

And a little random side note for my darling Trish. One day, you will come over to join the dark side with me. I found this and thought of you.

Now I must go and down yet another glass of water, and pray that the rest of this headache goes away. I may learn my lesson sometime in the future, but right now, I'll just nurse my hangovers as they come.

Posted by Sam at 08:15 PM | Permalink

Back in the day....

Things were what? More simple? Less complicated? More fun? More frivolous? More carefree? Less dramatic?

Whatevs. Who cares? Why dwell on the past when you live in the present, the here, the now, the time that affects you now.

Now I'm sitting in bed, typing, covered up and listening to my iPod with the curtains drawn to keep the sunrays out. Not because I don't like the sun and want to live like a vampire, but because I don't think I'm used to all of this sunshine that we've been getting recently. It kind of hurts my head, but I do love it. I love the blue skies, the crisp air, the changing of the seasons.

Although, the changing of the seasons, the songs on my iPod, the decent mood that I've found myself in for the past couple of days, seems to take me back in time. I travel whilst sitting in the flat, not moving, back to Virginia. I'm back in the townhouse, or driving in my car, or watching TV with Mel, or chatting with Momma in the kitchen. I'm doing all of these things, and I can hear their voices, smell the food that we're making and feel the wooden floors beneath my bare feet.

And while I am in a generally good mood, and things aren't so absolutely terrible here in the flat anymore, I'm still a wee bit homesick. Not in an "I'm depressed and feel like going back to be comforted and taken care of" way. Just an "I've been thinking about home a lot recently and remember that it wasn't so terrible" kind of way.

I decided to call home yesterday randomly to talk to Momma and Mel. It was nice. It was good to talk to them about stuff that really isn't major news, but simple Virginia updates. Momma's looking for a new job, Mel still goes to her hockey games, the weather is a bit crap, and they were going to clean the second and third floors later on that day.

"You know how I like to get the chores done before we start a new week," Momma said to me.

"Yeah, Momma. I do know how you like that."

And I got to thinking about it, like how I usually do when I'm sat around here with time on my hands, and realized I don't have to always be sad and depressed to want to go home. I can just miss them to miss them. It's allowed. Just because I moved away, doesn't mean that I can't miss how things were before I left. It's okay to think about my old schedule of waking up, getting ready, going to work, coming home, and clocking out around nine or ten in the evening, only to wake up and do it all over again the next day. And things were more simple, to a certain extent.

Even though I've only been away for about a year and a half now (with trips back every now and then), being out on your own is hard work. I know I say it again, and again, and again, but it's only because it's so goddamned true. Making your own way, making your own decisions, making your own world is fucking hard. And sometimes I wonder, how do other people do it? Is there a certain way to how most people do it that makes it a little easier? Was I completely prepared like I thought I was? Is there something I'm missing or doing wrong? Sometimes I wish I had someone here all the time to tell me, no, that's not right. Now do it this way.

I look at other people that I know, or don't know, and watch them do things. How would they do something if they were in my position? Would it be better than my way? Is everything that I'm doing just plain wrong?

Some people that I know have left uni midway through to go back home. They've left uni. Completely left. And have gone back home. Was it too much for them? Were things just that fucked up that they had to go back with the parentals that keep the fridge full of edible food, and pay all of their bills on time? Did they feel the way that I feel sometimes? Tired, tired, oh so tired of being out on my own all the time.

I think about it a little more, and know that it's just hard right now. Things will get better. They have to get better. I will make them better, because just as I know that Momma likes to do her chores on the weekends before she starts a new week, I also know that she raised me to be better, to be independent, to make good decisions and to not give up.

And I can think about that. There's nothing wrong with going back in time and remembering things like that.

Posted by Sam at 01:28 PM | Permalink

Occasionally when I think about it, I find it strange that people I know and co-exist with day-to-day actually read my mumbling thoughts on here. Sometimes I feel like warning them beforehand; "hey, don't get scared. I promise I wasn't going to do anything drastic, like kill myself or anything. I was just a bit depressed. You know how melodramatic I can get sometimes. There's some funny stuff on there as well....somewhere....it might take me a while to find it."

I give them what I call "the rules," which are 1.) don't you dare tell anyone the address without consulting me first (I'll probably say no anyway, so don't bother asking). 2.) Don't talk to me about what I write on my blog (like about the serious shit anyway). It's my venting area, what I do in order to get shit off my chest.

That's it. That's all I ask for. I don't think that's too much or selfish of me.

Other times though, I think it's really cool that people I know semi-regularly read what I write. It's funny when they make certain comments about stuff and I'll laugh with them saying, "See! I told you there was something funny in there."

The thing about sharing my love of blogging with Trish is that she makes me want to do it more. And by "more" I mean it's the first thing I want to do when I wake up. I could skip over facebook for a little while if only I could just update my blog first. I have gone over loads of my old posts remembering how often I used to update (Monday-Friday, without fail), and how there was some actual decent shit in there amongst all of my crap ramblings.

I also realized how much I've changed. How much my writing has changed. If I'm honest, I think my writing was a lot better back in the day, but I think it's because I did it more regularly and didn't slack off with writing minor details, and what I consider funny anecdotes. I like to think I used to have a bit of quip in my writing, a flicker of humor here and there, with some insightful thoughts peppered throughout to make it rich and entertaining. I want to do that again.

And just like Sean told my Life Writing class on the very first day I started uni last September, is that it has to be your life. You must practice writing every day, otherwise you'll never be as good as you could be. Leone, another favorite lecturer of mine, compared it to exercising. It's rare that people can just eat whatever they want and never gain an ounce of fat; you have to work out, eat healthy, and work hard every day, otherwise you're going to blow up like a killer whale, and nobody wants that. I know I don't want to be a killer whale.

For the past two days now (I know, such a long running streak), Trish and I have found ourselves on each of our settees in the lounge on our laptops clicking away as we each update our blogs. It's fun, and what I like to call "friend bonding time" even though we don't really speak to each other. I've never blogged with somebody else before. Perhaps it'll be a more regular thing with us and I'll update every single day like how I used to when I worked on the 3rd floor. Man. Those days seem so long ago. So we'll see how it goes, and see what I manage to type up here from London on a daily basis. I'm really hoping that we keep it up, and even by the end of this month, I'll have loads of shit to look back on.

**

The morning times are still frigid when I walk outside of the flat heading to my lectures, but usually by the time we're freed from our chairs, it has warmed up quite a bit outside and I'm halfway tempted to take my jacket off and sling it over my arm to carry it around. I don't, because I'm sure I'll catch another cold and be put on bed rest for yet another week, since my immune system still isn't up to where I'd like it to be, but it's nice that I have the thought to shed a layer of winter clothing. The weather appears to be in between winter and spring, and quite frankly, I'm looking forward to the day when I can walk out of the flat wearing nothing but a nice dress and flip flops, without my packet of tissues in my purse for when my nose begins to run.

We leave the curtains open in the flat and let the sun roast our kitchen, only to shut them when we park ourselves on the settee, because the reflection from the sun off of our laptops is blinding. We tidy a little bit, we listen to a bit of music, we make food for ourselves and snack whilst we're doing work, and yet even though everyone will be downstairs doing their own thing, something feels off to me. The dynamic in our flat has changed dramatically, and sometimes I feel like it's all my fault.

Even though I say that I like to keep myself out of drama, and it's not my business, and really, could you please not tell me because I have enough shit to worry about, I find myself in the center of some mini fires that I've set myself. I can just see myself with the box of matches, lighting each one and letting it burn out, wondering which one is going to actually catch on a pile of newspapers and set everything ablaze.

There are people in my close inner circle that I've been keeping at arm's length these days, because I either have nothing to say to them, or I've changed my idea of what I originally had thought of them. I don't like what they do or how they do things. And sometimes I feel like I watch them every time they're in my eyesight, just so I can find something small and insignificant that they do that shouldn't annoy me, but does; then I'll pounce on them and start a huge argument over the fact that they don't close the shower curtain after they get out of the shower, when really it's about how much their personality has been irritating me to no end.

I know it's one of the first things that you're taught when you're a little kid, and I've been exercising my right not to speak if you have nothing nice to say. It doesn't really put a strain on me, but I've noticed that there is extreme tension in the flat. Hell, other people who don't even live here feel it when they visit, and I don't like it. I don't like that things have changed between me and some of my friends. I don't like thinking horrible thoughts about people and actually saying, "well fuck them then." It used to not be like that. We used to not irritate each other. We used to live together happily, and I can remember back in first year when I couldn't get through the day without seeing or talking to every single one of them for at least an hour.

Sometimes I think that it's because we spend too much time together and we could do with a break from each other. Then other times I think that we have spent time apart from each other. We've all just changed so rapidly since we've known each other, and those changes have left permanent marks on my mind, and I won't be able to forget about it.

I don't want to have a big fall out with anyone in my close inner circle. I don't want to have a giant argument, and yell and scream, and make comments that hit way below the belt. But I feel like there's a massive thunderstorm in our horizon, brewing and getting ready to pour all of it's angry raindrops down into our flat. And I'm preparing myself for that day if it comes. Mentally, I've been putting on my armor, gathering all of my weapons and sleeping with one eye open. It's a sad thing when you don't trust those around you. It happens though, and it's a part of life, almost like you're weeding out those people who truly love you for you, and those that are purely there for entertainment purposes, and who you know you could live without if you had to.

Posted by Sam at 05:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This past weekend, Zoe and I quickly packed some must needed items (i.e. toothbrush, clean underwear, iPods, etc...) and headed off to Amsterdam for the weekend. It came at just the right time as well, considering I stirred up a brand new pot of Drama literally right before we left.

We had planned it for a while, even though we didn't tell anybody. We saw a couple of weeks ago that our uni was putting the trip together for a decent price and thought, "why the hell not? Let's get the fuck out of here for a while." Both of us could do with the break away from everything, and boy, was it a break that I greatly needed.

It wasn't a long trip; we left on Thursday evening and returned back to the fast paced life of London on Sunday evening. It gave us two full days to roam the streets of Amsterdam and take it all in. It probably wasn't our brightest idea, but we decided to get drunk before we got on the coach and wanted it to be a full on bender weekend of doing nothing but getting wrecked. I suppose we succeeded with that, but we sure paid for it in the end.

Amsterdam is a beautiful place: the water, the buildings, the clean streets, the whole atmosphere was really surprising to me. It seems a lot more chill and laid back than London. Here everybody is constantly on the go, move, move, move, move! Whereas in Amsterdam, it felt as if everyone was just meandering through the streets, chilling and taking their sweet time. Zoe and I found it to be really annoying at first, but after a while we caught on and found ourselves on many occasions just wandering the streets ourselves, with no exact purpose or direction.

The first day we hit some of the tourist spots and got ourselves acquainted with the area. We arrived around eleven o'clock in the morning and was told that our rooms wouldn't be ready for us until 2pm. We certainly weren't going to wait around until it was time for us check in, so we were skanks and brushed our teeth in the downstairs toilets, put more make-up on our already gross make-up, put on some deodorant and were out the doors to go explore.

We tagged along with this guy we know, Joe, and three other girls that we were sharing our room with. One of the girls, Kim, had already been before and knew the general direction we should be headed in. They decided they wanted to get blazed right away and Zoe and I had no objections. We hopped onto the first tram that crossed our path, and into the town center we went.

You hear things about Amsterdam and figure that it's going to be a crazy, party city, but I forgot that people do actually live there, and work there, and do regular day-to-day things there. Not everyone is sitting on a giant mushroom chair, smoking sheesha and listening to Bob Marley. Although, that would be really cool.

We stopped into a "coffee shop" and smoked a couple of spliffs at lunchtime, then had the world's greatest pizza. If you're a food vender and want to make some serious moolah, I suggest you move your business to the center of Amsterdam. Loads of people smoke and get the munchies, and when you're as blazed as we were, everything tastes so good. It's one food orgasm after the other, and sometimes you're afraid you may not be able to stop eating.

Zoe and I decided to split from our new friends after we ate and do a bit of our own exploring. We found the sex museum, which was brilliant and very educational, found ourselves in the red light district (which was certainly an eye-opener), and eventually bought some shrooms for later in the evening. When we got back to our hostel, it was nearly nine o'clock, and we were well behind our schedule.

Even though we were both absolutely exhausted, we got showered and ready for a night on the town. We ate all of our mushrooms (20 grams each of the Thai shrooms), and headed back into the center. I was feeling a wee bit sicky at first, and was scared that maybe I'd yop all over the sidewalk, and then be classed as that girl that can't hold her drugs, but the feeling soon passed, and for the rest of the night, Zoe and I shroomed all over Amsterdam.

It was quite possibly one of the best nights I've had in a long time. I was determined to find the "happy place" which was this store that we had come across earlier in the day; basically you would just take your shrooms in the store, and then chill in this back area where they had it set up especially for when people were on shrooms. There were clouds on the walls, rainbows, butterflies and all of that nice shit. I wanted to sit in there and let the experience take me over. Instead we just wandered down random streets and found everything absolutely hilarious, even though there were some dodgy things that could have been bad.

One guy came up to us and was swearing, and Zoe just kept saying, "no thanks" to him, and I just walked on by with this ridiculously huge smile plastered on my face. There were times when things would be in slow motion and I wouldn't hear anything, and then all of a sudden I'd be back in "real time." You would think it'd be really disorientating, but really it was just fun.

We decided we needed to figure out a way to get back to our hostel. We asked a bus driver if he went anywhere near a place called, "Zeeburg-something." He said that he did, so we hopped on and had the greatest bus ride ever. Zoe and I were still laughing at everything, and I was so sure that everyone on the bus knew we were on something.

After a while, we thought that we had been on the bus for ages, and why were we driving down by water? Our hostel wasn't anywhere near water. Where were we?

The bus driver shouted that this was our stop, so we hopped off the bus and he drove away. When we looked around, there was nothing. No cars, no people, no anything.

"He dropped us off in the middle of fucking nowhere!" I hollared. And even though it was kind of scary, I couldn't stop laughing.

Zoe and I were running back in forth over all of the streets, trying to read street signs, and looked on the map at the bus stop, which was a terrible idea since everything on the map was in Dutch and moving around.

We were scared, shrooming and lost somewhere in Amsterdam. Great. Just great.

I tried phoning some people that were on our "emergency list" of numbers, but that didn't work. Eventually we found a taxi and tried explaining to him where we live.

"The StayOkay hostel. It's in Zeeburg-something. I can't remember the name. Can you take us there please?"

He agreed and quite literally took us down the street and around the corner. We couldn't have even been in the cab but five minutes. When I looked out, it said StudioK bar. He confirmed with a girl outside that this was the right place, but I just thought that we were having language barrier difficulties, and he couldn't understand us.

It turns out we were in the right place, and StudioK was just around the corner from StayOkay. We walked into the hostel lobby and sat downstairs for well over an hour, laughing so hard that tears were clearly running down our faces. It was so funny. We thought we were in the middle of nowhere, scared shitless, when really we could have walked from the bus stop.

We saw people that we recognized, and it turns out that everyone went to the bar, and we were one of the few people who actually ventured out into the center again for the night. Everything was so funny, and we kept on going over the same conversation again and again.

Me: "So let me get this straight. We're in Amsterdam?"
Zoe: laughing "Yeah."
Me: "And we don't speak the language?"
Zoe" laughing harder "Nope."
Me: "What are we doing in Amsterdam!?"

It was a fucking good time. If I were brave enough, I would have tried to bring some back to the UK with me, but I didn't want to risk being thrown in jail. That would have been bad. And slightly embarrassing.

After we got a decent night's rest, we woke up for our final day in the Dam. We had a nice, hench Dutch breakfast and then headed off to the Anne Frank museum. It was really good, even if a bit depressing. To pick ourselves up though, we just went to another coffee shop and smoked a spliff before we headed off back to the hostel for a nap. The plan was to just rest for a few hours and then head back out to the red light district, but we slept through our alarms and just slept for the entire evening. We were flat out tired.

It was a good time. Sunday morning we left and made it back to London an hour before schedule. I had the best shower of my life when I was back at the flat, and quickly posted all of my pictures and videos on facebook. It was so good and such a nice break. I definitely want to go back again, only this time, I think I'll just spend the entire time on shrooms. Spliffs are nice, but shrooms are totally the way to go in my book.

Posted by Sam at 10:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I took a week off of uni to get healthy and let my body heal. For the most part, it has, but I’m still partially deaf, still have a cough and still am slightly run down. I’m exhausted, get headaches every so often and aside from feeling physically down, emotionally I feel like I may never be completely healed, which gets me down as well.

Life on the inside of the flat has been bleak and quiet for the most part; Trish has gone away for the weekend, Helen is always in and out doing her own thing, and Carlene keeps to herself up in her room with all of her TV series on DVD. I kind of just wander from my bedroom, to the bathroom, down into the kitchen, and loaf on the settee. I didn’t do any work on my mini break off, and now I find myself feeling blah and still not in the mood to get any of it finished.

Blah.

Zoë and I have been together for the most part, which is always nice. I love hanging out with Zoë. We sit and chat shit, drink many cups of tea, and wonder what life would be like if we didn’t have all of the restrictions that we have. We talk about traveling together, living together, getting rich and famous together, going out together…together, together, together…

It leaves me thinking about next year and what it’s going to be like separated from her. She is, as I always say, my partner in crime. Whenever I go out, getting drunk and causing mischief, she’s generally the one always by my side either egging me on, or trying to keep me calm. Then the next day, when we’re recovering in somebody’s flat, we recap the entire evening and try to piece together as much of the broken night back together to try and make some kind of picture out of what happened; why do I have yet another fresh set of bruises on my legs? Who did she pull? Who did we meet that’s new and probably not interesting at all, but seemed interesting at the time when we were in our extreme alcoholic state?

Next year will be different for us though. She’s going away for a year to spend her third year in Peru. It’s what students who are taking a language have to do as part of their degrees. Helen is going away to Paris for a year, since she’s studying French, and Zoë is off to Peru since she’s studying Spanish. And as happy as I am that they’re going to experience this once in a lifetime opportunity, and as exciting and kick ass I know it’s going to be, part of me is really selfish and wants to ask, “what about me?” They’re my top two gals that I need in order to keep myself from going insane. When I’m frustrated and need to vent, I find refuge in Helen’s room where we’ll sit and have chats for hours on end, until we either both feel a lot lighter, or perhaps more worked up than before. And when I’m in need of just going out and getting absolutely shitfaced to the point where I forget what my name is, Zoë is always there, ready and willing to get all gussied up and paint the town red.

Third year is wide open for me. I’m pressing on here thinking and doing things as if I’ll be back for my third and final round, whereas Momma is still convinced that I’ll be attending a university in New York. Meh. We’ll see how that all goes. I’m just trying to make it through the week. My brain is simply not in any condition to think about anything too far off in the distance. My body is definitely not in any condition to do anything too strenuous that’s going to cause me to relapse and spend another agonizing week indoors. I’m just going to try and make it to the next day and see how things go.

Until then, I’ll continue to sit here, with my girls, and soak up every minute as if it’s our last one. A lot of things change in a year’s time. I’m hoping that the time spent away will only make our friendship stronger, rather than us drift apart like how some things happen. I’m going to miss our nights out, our nights in, and our days together. But most of all, I’m just going to miss them.

Posted by Sam at 10:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

When you're ill, like seriously ill, kind of like how I am nine months out of the year, not only do you feel disgusting and repulsive round the clock, but you don't want to go outside and face the world. Why? Because you're disgusting and repulsive. That's why.

My rash is not just "a rash." It's shingles. Yeah. How fucking disgusting is that?

And it's not cool, or hot, or sexy for that matter. I've never once in my entire lifetime heard somebody say to another person, "hey, I dig that rash. It's really awesome. Where did you get it, cause I'm thinking about getting one myself."

I decided to break down and go to the hospital yesterday afternoon, because my shingles (goddamn, that's an ugly word) started hurting really bad. I was getting these stabbing pains throughout the rash area, and simply couldn't take it anymore. Besides, it's bad enough that I'm still partially deaf and occasionally shout at people because I don't know exactly how loud I'm speaking.

The lovely nurse told me that my shingles is generally found in older people, but when younger folks get it, it's because that they have a weak immune system, which triggers the virus to "wake up." It can also be woken up by extreme amounts of stress.

That's just me all wrapped up in a nutshell; a strung out, stressy, moody and continuously ill cow.

So now I've been prescribed my anti-biotics, which should hopefully kick this nasty virus out of my system. The only down side I guess is that I'm on a constant clock, since I have to take EIGHT PILLS every single day. EIGHT.

It's ridiculous, but I suppose anything that's going to help me get rid of this horrible virus that looks awful, and makes me hollar out randomly in the flat whenever I get those shooting, stabbing pains, I'll take it without any quesitons.

Unfortunately I haven't been taking anything that makes the stabbing pains go away. Instead I just cry out and shout profanity every five to ten minutes. I sound like a cat that's hungry and cries to his owners, "feed me, feed me." Instead I'm crying, "motherfucking cunting whore, you hurt like a bitch. I wish you'd leave me the fuck alone!"

Same difference, I guess.

I'm going to be keeping my infected self at home, since shingles can be contagious to anyone who has never had the chicken pox before. I'm planning on getting a lot of work done, hopefully. I'm also hoping that my date gets postponed to a different time, otherwise I may have to think of a way to have mine at another time when I'm not so ill and contagious to others. Besides, I'd hate for Swindon to think that I have some form of tourettes, what with all of my random cursing whenever I get a stabbing pain in my tit or on my back. Again, so sexy. Who wouldn't want this, really?

Posted by Sam at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The thing about flying straight through clouds, is that it's exactly how you'd imagine it...cloudy.

I left home in VA on Friday night to return back home in London Saturday morning. It was a bit of a mission, seeing as Mel misread what time I had to be at the airport, which left me roughly twenty-five minutes to rush through security and through the rest of Dulles airport before they closed the gate. I literally ran and almost knocked loads of people down in order to make it to the gate on time, and to my surprise, I had been upgraded to business class, which was pretty swanky. I had warm chocolate chip cookies, and a nice hot chocolate before I reclined my seat all the way back and passed out for the entire flight. Then I woke up to have fresh fruit for breakfast and a nice, hot cup of tea. It was lovely. I should have never been upgraded because now I'll never want to go back to economy.

It was strange arriving back to good 'ole London town. Even though I had only been gone for two weeks, it felt like I was gone for so much longer and that everything had been kept still in a time warp while I was away. Nothing had changed, not that I was expecting anything major or dramatic to happen while I had been gone. I was still in the same flat, going to the same uni, with the same old problems waiting to be dealt with by me.

I've changed a little bit though. I'm more refreshed, not as bogged down as before, and even though I still don't want to deal with my mess that I created before I left, I'm not as scared to look it straight in the face now. If I have to, I'm sure I can work up enough courage to punch it square in the jaw, and then be utterly surprised with myself for doing it.

Being back home was so nice though. I didn't go out that much and mostly hung around the house with Mel, and chilled out like how we used to do in the good 'ole days. I got everything that I wanted for Christmas, plus so much more that I wasn't expecting. The best part was that there wasn't any stress. There was no drama. I didn't have to worry and do all of the grown-up things that I have to do when I'm in London. Living out on your own without the security of parentals is hard. How come people ever leave home?

But I suppose it's good that I was only back for a short amount of time. I got rest that I needed and thought about stuff that I needed to think about. Now I can do things proper this time round.

Sadly I didn't have much down time to hang out around the flat before it was time for me to jump head first back into the routine of uni life. My first lecture was today at 9 O'FUCK IN THE MORNING. Now, that may not seem early to you, but to me, who is no longer working for Corporate America where getting up at 5am is normal, nine in the morning is far too early to be leaving the flat to go anywhere for any reason. I did go to my lecture though with Alex, and suffered for four hours listening to our lecturer talk at us, rather than properly teach us.

I already have so much to do and I want to just have one full day at the flat when I can be like, whoa, wait a minute. I'm going to have a time out and sort myself out here first before I even begin to tackle outside issues. Unfortunately that is simply no longer an option for me. I have an essay due at the end of the week, and my next news article is also due at the end of this week. I have a gig tomorrow that I promised my friend I would go to (he is headlining the thing after all), and an appointment in east London so I can go and have some blood drawn to see if I'm eligible for this scientific study to make a little extra moolah. Like £1200 - £3000 extra. That would be handy. On top of all of that, I've got to meet with my convenor to talk about my future, collect some more of my loan so I actually have money to live on, read lots and lots of books AND attend all of my lectures. It's going to be brutal.

Aside from all of the necessary boring day-to-day things I have to deal with, I also have to deal with things that happened before I left for the Christmas break. More stupid drama that I fell face first down into that will continue to haunt me until I die. Gross. I can't even think of it now. Perhaps when I haven't got so much other shit going on, I'll tell you the story (hopefully the end of the story) of the Sam and Sam saga. Booze and too many drugs finally lead to us sleeping together. I know. Yuck. Finally, after almost a year and a half, we hooked up....and that is just a night I'd like to have permanently removed from my brain.

Posted by Sam at 11:18 PM | Permalink

With new years, come new resolutions. What should I put on my list? Probably to start going to the gym, especially with all of the eating/drinking I do and my limiting physical activities. Or perhaps I should quit smoking. I have cut down quite a lot in the past few weeks, but that's mostly because I've been ill and actually couldn't smoke without wanting to cry straight afterwards. Besides, if I quit, I wouldn't be able to use my new, super awesome Christmas present that Helen got for me. It's this really cool cigarette case and I want to get proper use out of it.

Actually, I quit making new year's resolutions a long time ago. Mostly because I never stick to them, and I don't really believe in it. Why should people make goals at the start of every new year? Things aren't necessarily always bad after December ends, and who's to say that people can't make goals in the middle of the year and stick to them? It just seems a little unrealistic to me.

But it is a new year, and with that comes a new start. A new beginning. A chance to kiss last year and all of it's problems good-bye, and wave in a new year to try and make better. Do better. Which I plan on doing with great enthusiasm.

Earlier today I realized something...I hate Samantha. No, not myself...Her. Samantha Brown. Good lord she gets on my nerves. She has her own television show on the Travel Channel, and there's something about her that really bothers me. She's so annoying and seems so fake. She travels all over the world and does this program, and it's shit. I mean, okay she does do her job of going to all of the real tourist spots and educating the audience on them, but she does it in such a cheesy and family friendly way. I can't stand it.

And worst of all, she has my name!

I suppose I can't lie and also admit that part of me is slightly jealous. Only slightly, mind you. She gets to go all over the world while someone else pays for her airfare and accommodation. And can I just say that she stays in some really swanky places. I wouldn't be crying if I had to stay in some of the hotels that she got to stay in. I'd probably be feeling like a princess.

I just don't like her. Her voice is annoying too. She's just crap.

If I were allowed to go all over the world like she does, my show would be so much better. I wouldn't go to all of the tourist spots, but rather get down and really get to know the country and it's people. Mingle a little more with the locals and properly learn about the place, rather than all of the facts that come along with it. Sure, it's good to have all of the education and background on places, but people also want to know about the present, what's going on now that makes it so kick ass. I could be relatable. I could be funny. I could change my hairstyle every so often so people aren't confused if they've already seen this particular episode (seriously, Samantha Brown needs a new goddamned hairstyle).

It was just a thought until I changed the channel because I couldn't stand to watch her put one more piece of chocolate in her annoying mouth when she was in Switzerland.

But recently I have been doing some thinking while I've been loafing around the house. Yes, I loaf now. It's no longer relaxing or unwinding from uni. I loaf. I mean, if I were a shoe....and I'm sure you can figure out the rest of that sentence. You would think that I had just got out of a terrible relationship and now all I do is loaf around, not showering until the end of the day, eating whatever I feel like at whatever time of day (cookies at 8am, cereal at 10:13pm) and doing nothing else but watching TV and fixing my iTunes. Which I fixed my iTunes, by the way, and it's fucking fantastic. In between all of that though, I have been thinking.

Thinking about my blog. Oh, my poor, lonely little blog. I have abandoned it. I'm a terrible blogger. I used to be so good about writing at least five times a week, and now I'm lucky if I blog once a month. What is that? That's not cool. Or good. Or normal....or normal for me anyway. If I were into making new year's resolutions, one would definitely be to update My Mumbling Thoughts more often. But it shouldn't have to be a resolution. I should just do it, no matter what I'm thinking about.

Generally when I find a semi-comfortable place to sit so I can type up these gurglings I have, I like to think that something good will come out of it. I don't want to just write about what I had for breakfast or how long I had to wait for the bus on the way to work. That shit doesn't interest me. It may interest others, and hey, that's all well and good for them, but for me, I'd probably fall asleep while I was typing that up. I want there to be some kind of a little story, a beginning, an end, a nice tiny bow to wrap it all up in.

What I have learned is that that's never going to be the case. Not always anyway. I put way too much pressure on myself to write this fantastic, amazing piece that nobody has yet to discover. I should just write whatever I want, whenever I want, and who fucking cares what anyone else thinks, right? This is my fucking blog goddammit! I pay taxes!

Um, yeah....taxes....

So I'm just going to go back to doing that. Or at least try a little bit more and not get distracted by stupid parties, or stupid....laying around time.

Also, Mel introduced to me this internet TV show called, Quarterlife. Don't know what it is? Definitely check out the link. It's like TV, but on the internet, and each little part is only about ten minutes long. It's really good and I dig it. The creators of My So Called Life made it, and if you love that show as much as I do, then you'll more than likely love Quarterlife.

Anyway, it's about this girl who has a video blog. I know...the times they are a chagin', eh? And she blogs about her life. And she's all in her quarterlife crisis period (thank you, John Mayer, for giving us that), dealing with quarterlife crisis things, trying to sort through her thoughts, figure out what she's doing with her life, and learning about herself in the process blah, blah, blah. Some of it kind of gets to be a bit too much for me sometimes, and I'll want to scream at my laptop screen, "Christ, get over yourself already!" but for the most part it's really good, and obviously I relate to it quite a bit....not that I'm in my quarterlife crisis or anything. I just relate, because I'm a relatable person, remember?

Hopefully I'll get to a more regular routine here on My Mumbling Thoughts. I know I've said it before....I suppose we shall see. But I haven't given up. I'm going to quit loafing and put my fingers to better use here at the keyboard, rather than in the peanut butter jar, which is also not a terrible thing.

Posted by Sam at 11:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Life happens. Death happens. Everything happens. Everything has happened. And will continue to happen until I'm done.

I'm still alive and kicking round here. Don't fret. I haven't forgotten about my little corner of the world. I needed to get away though, and not think about things or try to write them down here. I'll be heading back to VA this Friday and will be back home for two weeks. Someday, during that time I'll sit down and properly write about what has been going on in my absense.

I hope that you all have a lovely Christmas and New Years.

Posted by Sam at 05:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

These days I tend to get ready only to get changed back into my jammies two hours later and never leave the flat.

Tomorrow. I can work on my list of things to do tomorrow.

It's simply too cold to get out of bed and face everybody outside of these four walls.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I just never left the flat for like....a month. If I always had someone run out to buy me cigarettes, milk and sugar, I'm sure I'd be okay. I suppose I'd eventually have to get out and do something, but not now. Not when it's warm and smells like cranberries inside.

I always thought that it should be optional for people to stay at home when winter finally came round. What's the point of leaving the house when almost everything will shut down anyway? It's cold, it's icy and slushy. Nobody wants to deal with all of that. Instead, we should all remain indoors in comfy pajamas, with mugs of hot chocolate and have good chats. And when we're finished having chats, we should go up to our beds, crawl under the warm blankets and drift off to sleep where we have dreams about sleeping on a warm beach somewhere. That would be lovely. I don't want sugar plum fairies.

Whenever I'm sitting on the bus going to work (which is generally the only time I can be bothered to leave the flat), I stare out the window and peek into people's houses. It's interesting to see how other people set up their houses, and I wonder what their lives must be like. I imagine sitting on that particular sofa, in that particular room, having a conversation with that particular person. Perhaps we're drinking tea together and they let me borrow their fancy apple computer so I can check my facebook. They'll say something funny and I'll laugh at it. It'll be great.

The houses, all of them, they look so homey. There are pictures on book shelves, throw blankets on chairs and decorative lamps on end tables. And it makes me miss home. It makes me want to go back to Virginia. Not for a long while, but just so I can feel that secure feeling of home.

The flat is not homey. It's clean. Well, for the most part it's clean. It's very minimal and if it is untidy for whatever reason, it's generally not for that long. Helen, myself and probably Carlene as well, are afraid that if it's dirty that maybe the bugs will come back again. And we all hate the bugs. They're gross, and we're good people. Bugs do not happen to good people. Good, clean people at that.

This Thursday I took work off to celebrate Thanksgiving. Last year, Trish and I held Thanksgiving at our flat on campus, and this year we plan to squeeze in as many people into our flat that is humanly possible. We'll all gather round, say what we're thankful for, pile our plates sky high with food and then drink ourselves into the evening. Generally, I'd be with Momma and Mel and we'd fall asleep in front of the TV watching The West Wing or something along those lines. Part of me would like to be back in Virginia doing all of the things that I used to with Momma and Mel, but I'm also perfectly fine celebrating here with my extended English family.

But something is weird for me. Something that I can't quite put my finger on has been poking at me for the past couple of days, perhaps even weeks. I'm not exactly happy or sad these days. I just am. I sit about, the days slide by me, and I can't seem to muster up any kind of energy to care about things. Things just happen, and I have no opinion on the matter, other than who cares really? Why does it really matter and why are we so fucking concerned about it? Can't things just be normal for a change? Or does everything have to be such a show?

I'm thinking about getting away for a while. I think it'll do me some good to get out and away from university for a few days. I could do with clearing my head out. Emily (you remember my fellow worker bee from back in the day?) is spending one semester up in Scotland this year and if she's got some free time (and hopefully some space as well) I wouldn't mind catching a train and seeing her for a bit. Besides, I've never been to Scotland. It could do me some good to really get out of the flat. It's nice, but it's far too small and recently I've been feeling like we're all just on top of each other. I can only escape to my room so many times until even being in there becomes annoying.

I love London, I love my flatmates, and I certainly love that I'm back over here. But I'm tired of certain things and tired of looking at and hearing about the same shit all the time. It doesn't matter how long I stay and hide inside of my room, it's all going to still be there when I leave. My only problem is that while I'm in this mood, I can't be bothered to deal with it, and there's nowhere else in London that I can go to hide.

Posted by Sam at 11:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So I know things have been scarce here on My Mumbling Thoughts. Trust me, I've been busy. Life is just continuously busy here in London. It's hard trying to juggle a part-time job, university, life and....wait for it...thinking of topics to write for the uni newspaper! I know. It's not a mental year for me (*knocks wood*). Well, not as mental as last year. Obviously things are going to be crazy, because that's just how things seem to roll here, but I have been keeping myself out of trouble for the most part.

And while I haven't really got the time to post anything new, I do have the article handy that I wrote which is going to be published in next month's issue, just for your reading pleasure. I know. It's just a little thing, nothing special, but I thought I'd post it up here just because I feel like it and I've been feeling guilty for not being a good, regular blogger. Hope you enjoy my little bit.

***

English Lessons

Okay, so we all know that many moons ago some folks decided to hop on a giant ship and live in a new land far, far away so they could practice their religion freely and get away from the great monarchy of England. It was great, for the most part and now, hundreds of years later, we’ve got a great country called the United States of America. It’s pretty cool, and of course I would say that being one of the many children that was born and raised there.

I’m a second year international student that has jumped in headfirst and studies here at the great university of Roehampton. I’m dong a full three-year course, rather than just a semester or a year. A lot of people ask why I chose to live here in London? Why not just stay at home and enjoy all of the nice comforts that America has to offer (i.e. food, super sizing of the food, twenty-four hour stores and drive-thru’s for virtually everything).

It’s simple, really. When I go somewhere, I want to get the full experience. I like to get my hands dirty and sink into my new life like a native. I don’t want to be an outsider looking in. No Sir. I want to be considered one of the locals that tourists stop on the street to ask for directions on how to get from Piccadilly to Trafalgar Square. London (and England as a whole, really) is quite big and I’m just one tiny person. There’s way too much to see and do, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to cram everything into just a few short months.

You would think that being American wouldn’t be that different for us living in England. I mean we are basically an extension of England minus a few things here and there. What I didn’t realize when I first arrived a little over a year ago is that it’s two totally different worlds. There are the more obvious differences that I noticed immediately, mostly with how much smaller and compact things are. The roads are a lot more narrow and there were a couple of times when I thought surely, by now we should have been in a fender bender with another vehicle. The accents threw me off a lot more than I thought they would as well and I had to ask a lot of people to repeat what they had said to me for the first couple of weeks. Everything was completely different and I certainly had a “we’re not in Kansas anymore” moment on quite a few occasions.

The one thing that slowly crept up on me though was my own internal change. After a while, people began to point out how different I sounded, and it wasn’t until they mentioned it that I started to notice the change myself. Words came out a lot different and I was calling things by different names. It was no longer a vacuum, but a hoover. I threw things away in the bin instead of the trashcan. I went to the toilet instead of the bathroom. I greeted people by saying, “Heya, you alright?” instead of “hey, what’s up?” I smoked fags rather than cigarettes. The list of my new vocabulary kept on growing with each passing day and I could hear an English twang being added to my already confused southern, American accent.

I remember my very first night out at Roehampton. I went to the Froebel bar with my friend, Trish, who is also from America (she’s actually from the exact same place and lived 30 minutes away from me, but that’s another story for another time). We were slightly lost and wandering around campus trying to find this bar that everyone was apparently going to. On our way, we ran into a third year student who gave us directions. I noticed her accent and thought it was weird that an English student had already moved in, seeing as the home students wouldn’t be arriving for another two days. When we asked her where she was from she told us California.

No, that couldn’t be right. She had an English accent! She was American? I told myself that that wouldn’t be me in the end. I’d always have my American accent.

I learned that it’s an inevitable change though. You change and adapt to your environment wherever you go. It just makes things easier in the end. You change the way you dress, speak or act, whether you realize it or not, and it’s okay. In fact, it’s quite comical and a great conversation starter. Nowadays I get shattered, I think things are brilliant and live comfortably in my gaff.

***

Posted by Sam at 12:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I wonder every time I step out of the flat and onto the sidewalk why I even bother to do my hair every single day. Really, what is the point? I leave the flat with it all perfectly in place only to return with it frizzy, wavy and in a messy heap on top of my head. Walking around London in the cold rain is so not what it's cracked up to be.

I'm a second year student at university that lives off campus this year. Not a fresher. Very much outside of the uni bubble. This year presents itself with new challenges that I'm learning to overcome. Last year was obviously me coping in general with being in a completely new place, learning to adapt to the differences I was raised with and meeting new people left and right. It was all about change and me coming out on the other end a new person with a bit more life experience under my belt.

This year is not so much about personal struggles within myself and all of that deep, philosophical chow chow, but more every day real struggles that everyone goes through in their lifetime. Money issues are still very much a problem for me, but I know they'll eventually sort themselves out once other people get back to me (for the record, I just want to mention how shit the bank is and how I hate it with a deep and firey passion that burns deep within my soul). I have to pay bills this year. Like, real bills. It's not just my phone and car insurance anymore. No, no, no. We have a gas bill, a water bill, rent and electricity to keep an eye on. We have to deal with our council estate stuff, think about taxes and fill out forms now that we're students that no longer live within the worry-free zone of the uni bubble.

These are my new worries. In some ways, I prefer these worries over the ones I had last year. They are stressful, but far less traumatising than the shit I was dealing with last year. Everything is quite literally spelled out for me in black and white, and there's no need to analyse anything. Everything is fact and that is that.

But regardless that we do live off campus this year, and we aren't so sickly engrossed and/or obsessed about uni life, it doesn't mean that we're completely exempt from everything. No matter what we thought during the summer (this year counts, I want to focus more of my time on coursework rather than going out and pissing my money away), there simply isn't a way for us all to fall off the face of the planet and quietly exist in our new tiny world.

Things, people, even places will eventually find us again and we'll be left standing, frozen and unaware of what just smacked us straight in the face.

I was pretty much thrown back into my life here. I was extremely late in doing everything considering my main stress and concern was just scraping together any money to even get myself back over here. I didn't think about anything else other than getting myself back to London. And when I did finally get back over here, it was almost like I was racing myself to see how fast I could get everything done and finished so I could just pick right back up where I left off and do nothing but steadily work my way up. Nothing else crossed my mind. No one else crossed my mind.

But isn't that how the way things are? The second you start getting yourself together, that one thing or person will for some reason reappear and awaken a side of you that you put to rest ages ago.

Enter, boy Sam.

Oh that boy. That silly boy that has caused me so much grief in the past. The one I let cause me so much grief. We barely spoke to each other over the summer and the minute I was sure that I'd be coming back to London, he wiggled his way back onto my main radar. We had long chats over msn and once I was back in the UK I started getting text messages from him. He even rang me to see if I'd be going to the bar a couple of times. And that was funny considering he used to never ring me. Ever. For anything. I can only remember one time when he rang me even before we had our first fall out.

I started to freak out a little.

Okay, that's a lie. I started to freak out a lot.

My brain went straight back into mental overdrive like how it used to and I was racking my brain with all of those familar questions that used to drive me into the ground before.

Why is he texting me? What does this mean? Why does he care? Why can't he just leave me alone? Has he changed? Will it be different this time?

Blah, blah, fucking BLAH.

A couple of things happened. Important things.

First, I got drunk. When seeing boy Sam for the first time since the summer, I wanted to look hot and have a nice buzz going on.

Second, I recognized that all of the old feelings for him were still very much there, just not as strong. I also recognized that he is just one of those people for me that I'm uncomfortably comfortable with. And it makes me uncomfortable.

Third, I got ridiculously drunk on a different night and had a breakdown over him, naturally.

Fourth, I went to the bop (oh, the legendary bop) and woke up the next day completely free and liberated.

After that night, I was fine. Something finally clicked inside of my brain and all of a sudden everything made sense. I do not want to be with someone (or attempt to be with someone) that does not want to be with me. All of me. Completely. All of the time.

We've had some good chats since then and I've been fine. I may slip every so often and think that I'm going back to my mental ways, but for the most part I'm functioning fine when he's around and more importantly, when he's not around. We get on as friends and only as friends. I've told him that he's not right for me and if I'm honest, I'm probably not right for him and how I want someone who is so sickly intoxicated for me all the time, round the clock, head over heels, over the moon, borderline obsessed with me. But normal, of course.

It's weird, but good and necessary for us. For all of us. I think it may even get to the point where I can text him, see what he's up to and go over just to hang out or grab a bite to eat and everything will be fine and normal. That's all I really wanted in the end.

These days I can focus more on myself rather than him. I've got way more important things on my hands this year and I'll be damned if I let one man distract me from my second chance.

Posted by Sam at 07:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

*Flops down on the ground in front of everyone's feet*

Good lord have I ever been busy. BUSY. Ever since I've come back, there hasn't been one day when I've just sat around and done absolutely nothing. I'm either at the flat, cleaning and setting things up so it feels more like home, or up at uni to use the internet since I've been struggling cold turkey at the flat with no connection whatsoever, or at work, since I went back and got my very mundane job back that I need oh so desperately.

It has been a mental whirlwind to say the least. It only took me a couple of hours to get my crap unpacked and it felt like I had never left. Even though I'm living in a completely new flat in a new location, I'm still with my people that I know and love and wherever they are, that's where home is.

There's still a lot to do and wrap up before I'll feel completely settled in. Priority number one is to get rid of the previous tenants; these mini roach bug things that only come out at night. It's beyond gross. I've got a major phobia about bugs anyway, so I'm extremely paranoid once the sun goes down. Are they in my cupboard? Crawling somewhere on the floor? It's exhausting to always be on the look out for them. Helen and I gave the flat a nice scrub down once we moved in, but they're still there...being disgusting bugs.

Our [useless] estate agent, Alex, is supposedly coming round our flat tomorrow with an exterminator to have a look at our place. He said that he isn't sure what they're going to do since our flat doesn't appear to be the main site where they live and they want to get them at the root. Fair enough, so do I, but I also don't want to be living with them for the time being. Eating out all the time is already getting to be too expensive for me, but I refuse to buy any food that they'll be able to crawl into and eat through.

Honestly, if it isn't one thing, it's another with that damn flat.

I am very happy about being back though. I've already had a couple of mental nights out, but for the most part they were pretty good. Except one where I drank way too much on an empty stomach. I'll have to make sure I eat before I ever drink four double vodka and cranberries, PLUS two bottles of wine and a blue WKD. It wasn't pretty. You don't want the details.

A couple of us went down to the bar the first night it was opened. Fresher's Sunday. It was weird being there and seeing the newbies clutching onto their drinks with their wide, beady eyes. Bless them. It wasn't as crazy as I thought it was going to be, but it was still good. Good to be back in the company of people that already knew me properly, understood me and who I could be completely chill with. There was a lot of hugging and kissing and dancing, all in celebration of being back at uni, and explaining multiple times to people who thought that I wasn't going to be coming back.

"Yeah, I didn't think I was going to be back, but alas, here I fucking am!"

"Well, fucking congratulations darling. Let's get another drink to celebrate."

The city is still mental, but that's the way I like it. It's hard and tough and there have already been times when I've sat back and it feels like I've been here for three months. I don't know what it is, but I'm addicted to it all and I never want to lose this place ever again.

Posted by Sam at 03:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It always seems to be Wednesdays that I'm waiting for, huh? Who would have thought. And I don't plan it out that way either. It just happens. Which I think is kinda cool.

Life is funny really. One minute you're walking through the corridors at work with so much weighing on your shoulders, you're convinced that with every step you take, you're leaving a footprint in the carpet. You walk the same path day after day and the footprints just sink deeper and deeper into the ground. And they'll always be there, because you're never going to leave. Ever. You're stuck here. At least until you pay off the first student loan you ever took out, so basically until you die.

Then the next minute, you're standing in the kitchen, washing dishes and listening to your friends in the livingroom watching TV. They're visiting for the last bit of the summer and for you (and perhaps them as well) it's bittersweet. It's nice to have them around and to hang out with them and see them and talk about things that they also know and understand. But at the same time, it sucks because you're pretty damn sure you're not going back for the second half of uni. You're going to be at home...again....doing the same shit over and over until something happens and you eventually walk straight in front of a mack truck.

And then, while you're washing the dishes, your mother calls you upstairs for a chat in her room. You can only imagine what it's going to be about since you two have argued all summer over the same thing, non-stop. It's going to be about money. She's not signing, no matter what. Just forget about it. Throw in the towel and give up already. The battles were brutal and you're losing the war. You're beaten, battered and bruised for life. Just call it quits and stop torturing yourself. Sure, you put up a good fight, but it just wasn't good enough, was it? You win some, you lose some, blah, blah, blah....

You prepare yourself for it....wait....wait for it....just a moment....

"Well, I decided that I'd go ahead and sign your loan paperwork."

Wait a minute, rewind. I don't think I heard that properly the first time.

*In slow motion*

"Well, I decided that I'd go ahead and sign your loan paperwork."

Holy fuck. Did she just say what I think she just said?! I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL?!

HOT DAMN!!

I, obviously, burst into tears. The relief. Oh, the sweet relief of hearing her say that. All summer since day one I've been trying to find a way to sort all of this when I've known that Momma could make the entire problem go away with just those words. And she waited until the end of the summer to do it? The very end of the summer?

"To teach you a lesson, of course, Samantha Leigh. I'm not always going to be around for you to just come to whenever you need help. You've got to learn that there are some times in life when you won't always get your way and things will prevent you from stopping."

It was a test?! This entire thing was a test?! She knew the whole time that she'd be signing in the end!? What?!

Who cares? So what? You got her to say yes to signing your loan and now everything will be fine.

**

I've been spending the past two days sorting things out. Momma didn't tell me until this Sunday that she would sign my loan papers, so I've been rushing all over the place to get things sorted. Luckily, with all of the loan practice that I've had this summer, I flew through it all. The only difference is rather than being declined (depressing) I was conditionally approved. Woot!

Today I packed, and even though over half of my crap is still over there at Helen's house, I've still got two giant suitcases holding all of my crap. Clothes, mostly. I won't have to do laundry for at least two months. It'll save money in the long run, I think.

All the while, I've had Helen and Jon here, hanging out, chilling and relaxing in good 'ole VA. They went to New York for a bit while I hung out at home all on my lonesome since Momma and Mel were away in North Carolina. It was cool having the house to myself. I enjoyed it. Then when they came back, we finished the northern VA tour and hit DC which was a mission in itself. I hate DC. I always have. I always will. And I've got the wounds to show why.

We also went and saw Au Revoir Simone. We sat down by the pier, ate tons and tons of food. Did a bit of drinking....not much....(when you compare it to uni anyway), listen to music, hung out at the townhouse, ate some more, did a bit of shopping and just had a grand time. I have never laughed so much my entire life. Things are just so much sweeter now that I know that I'm going back and they'll all be there.

And I have plans. Real plans this time. Things that I'm going to do and sort out. This year is going to be completely different from last year. I don't want a repeat of my drunken nights out and pissing my money away on stupid shit. No way, no how. I'm excited for the new year to start so I can really see what I can do in London and use it properly (and sober, for that matter). While this summer has been absolute shit, it has completely opened my eyes and has taught me so much. I don't want to be the person I was last year. She was sad and pathetic and poor. Not this time around.

So the next few weeks may be a bit sparse with posts, but I do plan on keeping up better with the blog this year. I neglected my writing way too much last year and that's something I regret. I'm going to uni for creative writing after all. I need to actually write this year. That'd be helpful. Once I'm properly set up though and I've got my routine, things should pick up on My Mumbling Thoughts. And even though I'm continuing my second year, I still plan on writing about my first year. Somehow, I'm going to finish that little mini story of mine.

Posted by Sam at 01:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

They say that a new workspace helps creativity.

Eh, I guess.

I was getting so frustrated sitting in my room trying to write that I eventually got up, packed Bridget up and moved downstairs to the formal livingroom. I'm hoping to get a different energy down here on the couch rather than being propped up in my bed, surrounded by the same crap, looking at the same thing outside of my window, everything in the exact. same. place.

It was driving me insane.

I tried tidying my room, moving things around and attempting to make my room a little more "creative friendly" but it just wasn't happening. I found the strangest things and wondered why on earth did I decide to keep half of the crap that I own. Why do I have to be so damn sentimental and cling onto things that at that particular point in time might have meant the world to me, but now I can't remember as to why I've allowed it to take up space in my closet.

A sea bean. That was probably the weirdest thing I found in my old high school bookbag that was underneath my sombrero. Oh yes. I own a sombrero. Along with those two random items, I've got mountains of old magazines ranging from Cosmo, In Style, Vogue and Elle. Really, have your pick, because I have them all. I found old letters from my dad written to me from every single holiday and birthday since 1989, bank statements, calendars, pictures, CDs and last but not least, buttons. Random buttons that I kept just in case the button that was orginally on one of my jackets or shirts fell off and I needed to replace it. Of course I'd never be able to replace it because how would I remember that it was buried deep under my bed in the shoe box for my entire 7th grade year underneath all of the notes written between Shella and I about who she liked more - Nick no. 1 or Nick no. 2.

In the process of trying to be more feng shui, I came across some very old and dusty binders that held a lot of my writing from back when I was in high school. Man, did I write a lot of crap. It was so terribly bad I understand now why I kept it hidden underneath my bed behind all of the shoe boxes. I was your classic melodramatic, wannabe goth poet that wrote about things that I thought were deep and meaningful, when really other writers had already written about it, but in a much more creative and thought-provoking way. I was just whining about teenage life problems.

Which is cool, I suppose. It's all I knew at the time, therefore that's what I wrote about. I can only write about what I know.

I'm not sure if I was looking for anything in particular. While I was shuffling through it all, it almost seemed like I was waiting for something to pop out at me and lead me to start thinking about life way back in the day.

Nothing did, really. The only thing that I noticed was that my entire life has basically been documented in some sort of way by me since I was about thirteen years old. Maybe a little younger. I've always written about my days either in a journal, or while I was supposed to be writing notes in class, and now I blog about everything up here. It was kind of cool to be able to read over some stuff and be like, "oh yeah, I remember him. God, he was such a dick."

I stacked all of the papers, binders and notebooks up on top of each other and looked at it all. There it was. My entire life on paper. Strange. It was odd to see it all literally stacked in front of me. I certainly liked to chat a lot of shit in my spare time.

Over all of those years though, all of that time I spent alone writing, writing and writing, I didn't really know what I was doing. I only wrote all of the time because I felt I needed to. Nobody ever sat me down and said, "Sam, one of these days you're going to really be glad that you did all of this." No. I did it because I wanted to, because it felt wrong for me not to do it. That was my thing and it has always been my thing.

When these evenings do come around and I decide to randomly pull a page out of my life (no pun intended), I can go back and see everything perfectly. My words are my pictures, so to speak. I can easily go back to when I lived in North Carolina, when I was in high school, my entire world that encompassed me. It's good to see the changes that I've made over the years and be able to see and understand things more clearly now.

Nowadays with my more "adult problems" and my brain usually being occupied by London thoughts around the clock and the future, it's a welcoming reminder about when life was slightly more simple for me. I didn't worry anywhere near as much like I do now. What am I going to do after uni? Where am I going to work? How do I get a career? How do other people get careers? How do they even know if they're in a career? Where am I going to live? What do I want to do? How am I going to get there? Am I really going to support myself? Like, really support myself? On my own? Why is life so hard? Am I going to fail? Blah, blah, blah....

There was a time in my life when my biggest worry was if I did actually speak to Micah McSwaine for any length of time and he asked me any kind of question on any kind of topic, what was going to be my answer?

Those days were nice. And now I wonder how Micah is doing.

Posted by Sam at 04:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Treat others the way you would like to be treated. It is a lesson that every child is usually taught at a very young age. And yet here I am, 21-years-old, just now learning this lesson.

While struggling these past few days to write the second half of my story recapping my past year in London, something hit me in the middle of the night while I was also struggling to go to sleep...

I am a mean person.

Really. I am truly a mean person. I know for a fact I'm not the world's meanest person, but I can be really horrible at certain times. Of course, generally, I would consider myself to be a decent human being. I am nice day-to-day, but there are some times, important times, big times...when I don't think, I temporarily lose my semi-stable mind and turn into a mean person.

And of course, "mean person" is simply an understatement. I can be a downright bitch.

When I think about this past year, this Big, Defining year for Sammi Jo, I have to force myself to think about everything. Everything. Even the things that I don't want to think about that have shadowed me for the past however many months. Things I never told anyone or wrote about up here in any kind of detail or length. Not because I didn't want to. I always wanted to talk about it, because that's how I sort things out in my brain. But of course since I am me, and have to be complicated in every sense, I believed if I just didn't talk about it or aknowledge it, it never happened, therefore making me seem like a decent person once again who never turned into that horrible bitch in the first place.

I am, of course, talking about Ash and the massive fall out we had at the beginning of the term.

At the time when everything was happening, I was so fucked both mentally and physically. I was ill, I was depressed and generally always high or drunk. I never felt inclined to write about it up here either since I didn't think it'd be right splashing our business out on my blog. What happened between us was our business, right?

Right. Us two and all of my flatmates because I liked to bitch about him when there was really nothing wrong to begin with.

But now, with the all of the time that has gone by, with everything that has happened, with all of these thoughts constantly following me, I have to get it out. I need to. I figured that one of the reasons as to why I am unable to carry on with my recap of this past year is because I haven't properly dealt with that entire situation, alone, with myself, inside my brain. I simply let it wash over me and didn't get anything resolved. I'm unsure how I even manage to shove things aside so easily and pretend that they never occur, but I do it and every single time, no matter how much time has passed, it always seems to creep up behind me and then haunt me until I have dealt with it.

I couldn't carry on writing because I didn't know what to say. How do you talk about something you really don't want to talk about in the first place? But I didn't want to ignore it completely. I couldn't. It was such a big thing to happen to not mention it at all, and I didn't want to leave it out anyway. I wanted to include it and finally talk it out like I normally do.

So I am now.

Continue reading ""Guess we can't go back to what we once had"" »

Posted by Sam at 07:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm back home for the summer.

I guess it's okay. I'm not speaking to Momma and I haven't seen her in the past three days. She saw my labret piercing and freaked out. I don't think the tattoo on my foot made things any better either. She didn't even say hi or how was your flight? Instead, she immediately said to me when I was in ear distance, "you know you're taking that out, don't you?" I just kept my mouth shut. Like I would actually take my new favorite piercing out because Momma told me to.

I haven't really done anything for the past week other than lay in bed, watch bad daytime TV and eat peanut butter. I've already finished two small containers. I don't think it's healthy, but whatever. I'm eating a salad that Helen used to make and I fell in love with.

I did go out last night to the Bungalow where everyone still holds happy hour. It was Jody's farewell happy hour since she got a better paying job working elsewhere. Good for her. It was weird being surrounded by work people again, listening to the same shop talk that I left almost a year ago. It seemed like not much had changed.

Except for me though. I had changed. A lot. And they let me know.

Questions, quesitons, questions....when did I do this? When had I done that? Did it hurt? How was school? Was I glad to be back home? When was I coming back to work? Blah, blah, blah....

I just kind of sat there for a bit slightly bored. I was half-expecting to see Helen walk through the door, and there were times when I wanted to send her a text message, but couldn't. It was weird being back on the outside of uni and trying to re-aquaint myself with things. I didn't like it and while everyone was chatting about their family lives, or work, or drinking stories from way back in the day, I wondered if I was headed to the same place. I didn't want that to be me in twenty years, rambling off drinking stories about when I was in London, living a crazy, mental life.

I know I've changed quite a bit, but I didn't realize it was going to be so...obvious. I even noticed that I think differently and I'm not sure whether it's for the better or worse. But then again, who really cares if it's either or? I've just changed and if anything, have learned so much more by going off to uni. Maybe I didn't learn everything in my lectures, but I did learn loads more about people and life in general. I noticed small things after getting back and am still getting used to some stuff. I had forgotten that we have sales tax over here and rather than paying $1.29 for a diet Pepsi, I had to pay $1.32 to my surprise. I don't smoke as much back home either, mostly just because it's so damn boring to go all the way outside just for a smoke. And it's really hot over here. A lot more hot than uni.

I'm not known out here though. Nobody really knows who I am like they do back at uni. I was known at the Belfry. People knew my name. Our group was legend and we made statements. But here, I was just that girl who went off to London for college. Who came back wearing different clothes, saying different things, looking different. I was just different all together. I didn't mean fuck all here.

The funny thing though is that I really don't care. I don't want to be That Girl here. Not with these people who live in middle-class white suburbia with their double car garages and tupperware parties. That's not me and it's not who I want to be. I want to be That Girl in London and only in London. Back here in VA I can just be the quiet little girl who likes to eat peanut butter and is a mystery to everyone else.

I am desperately missing uni though and everyone. Carlene, Santos and Zoe have gone off to Thailand and then they're off to Greece afterwards. I'm thinking about going to Greece for a couple of weeks if I can scrape the money together. It'd be nice to go and see some uni folks. Helen, Jon and even boy Sam said that they wanted to come here and visit me in VA. Then we'd roll up to New York for a couple days for no other reason except that we want to. Trish is staying in London over the summer and working full time while Fiona is getting a job at Gatwick airport and chilling back at her house. We've all split up to do our own thing over the summer and while some of us will still be together or meeting up, it won't be the same not having the whole group there.

Who knows what'll happen. All I know is that I'm trying to get my old job back so I can start getting a paycheck. I won't be doing much this summer if I don't gather some moolah up for myself. I have to get motivated about my days before I quickly fall into a slump, which I already see occuring. I've been back for almost a week and my suitcases are still sitting at the foot of my bed, unpacked. I should do it, but emptying my suitcases and going through everything that I brought back with me, means that the first year really is over. I'm not just going to be back home for a couple of weeks. It's months this time and my next plane ticket to go back to London isn't scheduled until September 12th when the second half of my uni journey will begin.

We'll see....we'll certainly see how things unfold for us.

Posted by Sam at 04:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's six o'clock in the morning and I haven't been to sleep since ten o'clock the previous morning. I haven't showered, changed my clothes, brushed my hair or left the flat. God, I hope that I'd never leave the flat looking like the state that I'm in.

I reckon I probably won't go to sleep either. I'm just not sleepy. I don't have the desire to lay in my bed, close my eyes and drift off to count some sheep and catch some z's. I just don't want to. I want to stay awake for as long as possible and see when my crash point is. I'll probably have a shower in a bit only because I have some coursework to hand in and I've got to go four steps outside of the flat in order to do that.

It is that time for us all. The summer ball was this past weekend and now all that we have left is to hand in coursework, some of us have to take exams and then it's done. We're finished. Our first year of uni is complete and we're let free for the summer to do who know's what. Some people are getting full time jobs, others are going travelling while most of us will probably just head on back home to our lives that have been waiting patiently since we left. In truth, I could probably go back home anytime after this Wednesday since I won't have anything left to hand in, but I'll be here until the end. The 16th of June is the last day we can be here. After that, our room keys will be deactivated and we'll be chucked out of the front gates with all of our shit.

I have been thinking about this day ever since everybody left for our Christmas break. People packed up a lot of their things to go back home and it was hard seeing them go off into the blue yonder with their suitcases in tow. I could deal with it for the most part since I knew they'd be coming back in a couple of weeks, but I could only imagine what it would be like when we had to officially move out. We'd have to go through all of our things that we've accumulated over this past year, chuck out a lot of shit that we don't use or even knew we owned and clear out all of stuff in the kitchen.

It's hard to think about. And yeah, I get choked up easily if I think about it for too long.

I'm going to miss my Lee House bitches.

So much stuff has happened to me since I arrived here. So much stuff has happened to us all since we've been here. We've all changed. I suppose others have had much more dramatic transformations than others, but we're certainly not the same as when we first stepped foot into the flat. We've had millions of late night conversations, trillions of smoke breaks together and oh lord the drama, drama, DRAMA. It never ended. I'm not sure it ever will.

We barely have three weeks left in our flat and already I'm having my silent meltdowns when I don't think that anybody's looking. I sit in the kitchen with everyone chatting shit about random things like we always do and I think how many times we've done this. And how many times have I taken it for granted and didn't permanently engrave in my memory how much I'd miss this and how I should have cherrished more moments like these. I should have recorded it all. My memory simply isn't good enough because what if I missed something? What if something happened and I just didn't remember? How unfair would that be?

I've learned that uni time is much different from reality time. While things go on outside of the uni walls, our little uni bubble, life is moving at warp speed inside. One week roughly equates to three months on the inside. Even though we've only been living here almost ten months, it feels like we've owned this place for five years. This is just how things are. There will always be the bar. There will always be the bop. There will always be the Bede boys and the bag of drama that they come with. Everyone will always be right just down the hall and you'll never get lonely because someone is always here. It's very rare that you'll be completely alone in the flat. And if it ever does happen, you can just go down to another floor and see somebody there that you know and hang out with them.

It's a really strange place to be. I love it and hate it at the same time. This is my second home, this is my extended family and this is the new life that was born after I left home. As frustrating as it can be at times and even though I sometimes just want to disappear and forget that I live here, I don't want to leave. I never want to leave. It's my issues that I have with change, I know this. I also know that uni has fallen into a rut for me and change is not only unavoidable but it's absolutely necessary for me. If I don't do something to change how I've been over this past year, I may go mental. Absolutely mental.

The second half of this term after Easter has been insanely busy for me. I've been working at a cool little shop ever since I got back from Virginia, catching up on a massive stack of coursework and sorting through all of my things that I need to do for next year. I also had to prepare myself for the summer ball which is only the biggest thing that our uni does every year and what we've all been obsessing over since day one.

I know I've been a terrible blogger for the past couple of months. You don't have to tell me. I don't update anywhere near as much as I used to and I'm not exactly the most detailed person when it comes to certain things. I don't think I really explained anything over this past year as well as I could have. So I'm working on a thing...a story. About me (naturally). In London. It's probably going to take me ages to write out since I want to make sure everything is right and flows alright. I already started working on it about a week ago, I just haven't had any time to finish it up and post it up on here. But it's in the works and I figure after I get back home and start work again, I'll have plenty of time to detail my entire uni experience back in my little cubicle just like the old days. I'm well excited about getting it all out. Because let's face it. A lot of shit has happened. A lot of words need to be shared.

We have lovely blue skies today. Perhaps now I'll have that shower and wear a dress when I'm out and about.

Posted by Sam at 06:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Sitting on the plane it feels like all of the memories are being washed out of you. It was all a crazy dream and now you're going back home to be back in everything that is familar, that you know, understand and miss like crazy. None of it was real and if you were to tell everything that you had experienced to a psychiatrist, they'd tell you that it was a complete fabrication and write you a prescription to make all of the visions go away.

I never lived in a flat in London. I never met any of the wonderful people who quickly became my close family. My accent never changed. Nothing was real. I had completely made it all up.

Only it was real and even though it didn't feel as though any of that could have happened, it did and I went back home to open arms and new stories to share with everyone.

I was a changed person, but not in a bad way.

When we landed, I could see my old job's building since we are located directly across the street from the airport. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, but I took a deep breath and shoved them back. I wasn't going to cry and make it a big deal that I was back home. I was just home. That was all. I came home to visit everyone, relax and see everything. Not make it into a big thing. Everything in life doesn't have to be a Big Thing.

But it was so a big thing for me. I had been in denial for a long time and didn't realize just how homesick I was. As much as I didn't like work and complained about how boring life was, it was my home. I loved the people, I loved my family and all of the other little things that I always had at my fingertips but just took for granted while I lived there. I never wanted to admit that I missed home because it was my decision to go to uni so far away. I had wanted it so badly and worked on it for so long that once I got everything I wanted I should have been the happiest person in the world.

And I was. But that didn't mean I couldn't still miss home. It wasn't a bad thing to be homesick even though I thought it was.

After we got off the plane, I bolted down the corridors and weaved my way through customs. I literally ran to the baggage claim so I could grab my suitcases and walk through the doors where Momma and Mel would be waiting for me. I'm sure I made a new record by going through all of that in exactly twenty-two minutes.

Once I passed through the last set of doors, I scanned the crowd searching for Momma and Mel's faces. I was excited and so happy to be back.

I didn't see them. They weren't there. They couldn't have been late to pick me up. That's not how it was supposed to be! They were supposed to be on time and right at the front to come and greet me.

They were standing at a Starbucks stand getting strawberry and vanilla bean frappuccinos. Momma had her neck extended searching for me while Mel stood up at the till to pay for their drinks. I was walking straight in front of Momma and she didn't see me coming.

Me: "Momma. Hello Momma."

Momma: "Oh, Samantha. I didn't even see you standing right there."

We gave each other a big hug.

Momma: "My haven't you got fat."

Me: "I missed you too, Momma."

**

Home was lovely. I took it all in little by little and every so often I would pause just to remember and feel everything to the max. I missed Momma's road rage, I missed the house and I missed laying around with bad TV on in the background while I laid in my bed. It was better then I had remembered and a lot better then all of the dreams I had in the early mornings at uni.

I saw the new furniture that Momma had bought while I was away and on the second night there I cooked dinner for Momma and Mel using mostly English things that we had bought from a place called The British Pantry in Chantilly. I chilled alone in the house when Momma and Mel went to work, and driving for the first time was a little nerve wracking but after I was on the 66 for about five minutes it was like I had never left. I saw a lot of old co-workers when I stopped by, chatted to them for a bit, went to lunch and had a little happy hour on the first Thursday I was back. I saw Mendy for a bit, chatted with Momma and had petty arguments with Mel.

After the first week, Zoe flew in from London and we went to go pick her up from the airport. It wasn't as strange as I thought it would be having her in Virginia. It was really chill and for most of the time that she was there we relaxed and hung out at the house watching Gilmore Girls and reality TV. We took her into Washington D.C., walked around Alexandria and of course hit all of my favorite food places and shopping centers. She took to it all so easily and quickly became addicted to sweet tea. I had never seen somebody drink so much tea in such a short amount of time. I was impressed.

The whole two and a half weeks was exactly what I needed. A bit of retail therapy, eating loads of food and completely detoxing my body. We started going to the tanning beds again, got pedicures and occasionally drove around aimlessly while listening to a new set of driving music and put on some old school tunes for a cruise down memory lane. I liked being out and away from the uni bubble. I liked not having all of the drama weighing me down and was even happier about eating food that wasn't cheap pasta from Asda. Momma and I had a couple of lovely chats and got all of our stuff sorted and I came to terms with the fact that no matter how much I hate to admit it, I'm a spoiled Momma's girl who needs her mother to tell her that even though things can be really shit sometimes, it will eventually work itself out in the end. I need her...no matter how far away I move or how old I get.

**

Now I'm back in the UK, refreshed, a bit tanner then before I left and on a new health kick that Zoe and I are doing together. My money has been sorted since I got a fair amount back in taxes and I'm ready to finish up the last bit of this term. The trees have leaves on them once again, the sun is shining and life in general just seems to be better. I'm not on bad terms with anyone and my head is back in a good place. I shall once again take to the keyboard and will hopefully be writing stuff that isn't so depressing. I just keep thinking about when I was in Momma's room with the nightly news on in the background on the TV, and how she said that things will get better. Things will be okay. I'm okay.

Posted by Sam at 09:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

She's going. No, she's staying. Wait a minute, she's going. But not really, she's staying.

Left and right, back and forth. I've been jerked every which way when it comes to this Easter holiday, and I'm scared to say that I might actually be going home. I won't say that it's official just yet because the actual plane ticket hasn't been bought and I'm still standing outside with a sign that says, "please take me home!"

The plan way, way back in the day was that I was going to be coming home during Easter and then come back to London to finish up my studies. As we all now know, my original plan eventually went to shit and everything else seemed to spiral down with it. Then once I didn't go home for Christmas I realized just how badly I probably should have gone home since the homesickness decided to eat away at my body and turn me into a slug that didn't do anything except slouch around the flat, watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer on dvd and smoke for about a month and a half. It really wasn't a pretty sight. I was really looking forward to our Easter vacation since I thought I would be going back home until that idea was quickly shot down by Momma who was still sore over the fact that I didn't come home over the Christmas break and was punishing me for being an irresponsible twat, yet again. I then found out that Momma, Mel and Amy would be making a business trip over here instead over the Easter break and I would just chill with them the entire time. That is until Momma found out how expensive it would be to bring Mel over here with her and decided that the cheapest thing to do would be to send me back home for two and a half weeks.

Whew! That is where we stand thus far. If everything goes according to plan, this coming Wednesday I will be firmly sat in an airplane headed towards the United States once again to relax and forget about all of my uni worries for two and a half whole weeks.

Jesus am I really looking forward to that!

Seven and a half months I have been in London. Over seven whole months! I haven't left once. I haven't even gone to any other town or city in England. Just London. Only London. Sure, I've gone to Wimbledon, Hammersmith, Putney, Richmond, Kingston, Central and other different places, but they're all apart of L-O-N-D-O-N. I don't know how I've done it, survived here for so long, especially since I don't have any money and haven't had any in a very long time. At least not my own money.

Life has been taking a slow turn for the better though, I will say that. The past couple of months have been really hard, with me being depressed (hiding it), being poor (trying to hide it) and remaining homesick (also hiding it). I was in the worst rut that I've been in for a long time and it has been a battle trying to claw my way back up the massive hole that I fell down in.

I'm not sure if it was the weather changing into more sunny days or perhaps just an attitude change that clicked inside of me, but one day I finally decided that I was tired of being a lazy asshole and that I needed to do something about it. After I got my national insurance number (I get to pay British taxes now, yay!) I printed off loads of copies of my CV and just handed them out to different shops and pubs in the surrounding area. I got a call from two places and hopefully will have a steady job once I get back from good 'ole VA.

Oh Virginia, how I've missed my home. I've waken up a couple of times because I swear I can hear Momma and Mel outside my bedroom door in our hallway doing laundry and trying to come in my room quietly so they can check if I have any dirty clothes lying around. Sometimes I feel like I'm in my double bed and expect to wake up looking out at the other townhouses outside my window. I miss my home, I miss Momma and Mel, I miss my friends and oh my lord do I miss the food. After I land and we leave the airport I'm going to ask Momma to stop in by Five Guys so I can order two hamburgers and a large bag of their spicey chips.

That's right. I call fries, chips now. It's scary.

I've been really busy as well, and it doesn't include me being at the Belfry. Well, it sort of does, but I'm not drinking and causing a scene like usual. I've been helping Zoe campaign for Entertainments Officer for next year. I'm her campaign manager. It's cool. We go out, socialize a bit and talk to people and make sure that they're voting for my girl. I helped design her posters, flyers and her manifesto. I also helped DJ Dave with his posters and flyers as well. It has been good busy for a change and I remember what it was like to actually have stuff to do other than wake up, get dressed and go to the bar.

We've also sorted out who we're going to be living with next year and have called an estate agent to help us all find a place to live since we won't be on campus. I will be living with Helen, Carlene and Trish, which is exactly what I wanted. It's really weird to think about not living on campus next year. If I had to guess I'd say that 75% of my shit now resides in London and it's my home. I call this home. This is where I live, where I go, where all of my stuff is, where I feel most comfortable. Leaving never really entered my mind and to think about new people living here next year doesn't feel right.

I'm okay with moving somewhere else though. I'll have my closest friends with me and how awesome will it be to actually share a flat with three of my best friends? Our own place. Off campus. We'll have jobs, we'll be going to uni, we'll be living a proper London life, not the student one that has drained every last bit of energy from all of our bodies. It's going to rule.

I'm still taking things one day at a time though and making sure that I do at least one productive thing every day that doesn't include me taking a shower and putting make-up on. I work on my laundry if I have the money, do a bit of coursework or read a little out of a real book and not one of the magazines that tend to collect on our kitchen table.

I just keep on thinking about going home and trying, trying so hard not to get my hopes up, heaven forbid something goes wrong again and I'm told that I will be staying over the Easter break. I will breakdown and cry for three days straight if that happens. Zoe and Helen may potentially be flying over during the second week that I'm home and spending the easy going days with me in VA as well if all goes right. All three of us will pretend that there isn't any uni drama and come back refreshed to finish out the term. Busy days.

*Keeping my fingers crossed*

Posted by Sam at 08:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I was in somebody else's flat surrounded by snobby third years who whispered as they held their drinks gingerly in their hands. I overheard one of the girls who was wearing a trendy chunky necklace lean over to her girlfriend and not-so-quietly ask, "who exactly is she?"

"She's a fucking legend, she is," AJ shouted to her. "She doesn't know it yet, but everybody knows who she is. She has made quite the name for herself. Every morning, or should I say afternoon, I see her downstairs hungover from the night before with her fag in one hand a mug of tea in the other. Always wearing the make-up from the evening before she can barely stand when she talks to me and I know she has had yet another classic night. Isn't that right, Sam?"

I take a swig from my vodka and lemonade and focus on the word "legend" for a moment.

"Indeed. That would be me. Crazy, loud, obnoxious, American Sam. You can't fucking miss me."

**

These days I'm mostly found in my room, clutching my side that has had a permanent cramp on the right side from all of my coughing. I became ill again and have been out of commission for almost an entire week. I'm sure everybody has thought that I've died or something. It's strange, but I don't miss going out every night either. I'm mostly pining over Virginia and prefer to sit in my room watching Gilmore Girls online while I go through photos from back home. I listen to a lot of music that I used to cruise to all the time in my car and daydream about being back in the townhouse. I'm craving the American air again, I want to see all of my friends and family and I'm dying for a hamburger from Five Guys.

It doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon though. While I thought I would be going back home for Easter for about two and a half weeks, Momma told me no since she thought it would be a bit pointless for me to come home only to stay here until June and then fly back to the states. I'm a little depressed since I was really looking forward to it and really annoyed with Momma. It's not a good feeling, this homesick feeling and it kind of makes you want to throw up every fifteen minutes if only to get rid of the nausea that seems to constantly be in my system.

I got a job, only to lose it three hours later. I suppose asking the store if I could borrow a pair of shoes to wear until the end of my trial shift wasn't a good thing in my manager's eyes. I should have been prepared and wore shoes that were comfortable and I knew I could stand in for six hours. She said that she would call me back, but that was a week and a half ago so I'm guessing she either found somebody who has shoes that she approves of or I was just shit all together at greeting people when they walked in and tidying up the front of the shop.

Instead I applied for two other jobs, one which is another bar job. I vowed that I would never have another bar job, but desperate times call for desperate measures and as we all know, beggars certainly cannot be choosers. Apparantly they're quite desperate for work too so hopefully we can work out some kind of deal.

My first year of uni has been a mental joy ride without a safety belt. It seems like I've lived seven different lives all in a compressed amount of time. I've met so many different people and have seen so much of London so quickly I'm finding it hard to sort through all of the memories and put them in chronological order. I do remember the beginning when we were all shy and still in the process of getting to know each other. I remember once the ice was finally broken we hit the night life scene hard and came out on the other end practically dead and on the verge of a mental breakdown. It was crazy but I pushed the limits and know just how far my body can go. Now we're all poor trying to scrap enough money together to buy the essentials: tea bags, milk, sugar, bread, butter and fags. We spend most of our evenings in, watching films and talking about life back home as if we were war vets. We get letters from family members, care packages with little bits of our past lives and wonder when we'll be able to feel the familar roads beneath our feet again.

I think about the city and remember when I was working in Corporate America. I hated it, but I was good at it. I wonder if I'll go back. If I do I know I'll just go back to daydreaming about the city that I love. I'll think about the London boys with grungy clothes and skinny jeans or the girls with the funky hoop earrings and flat ballet shoes. I'll miss the tube and all of the different pubs that I've sat in while a football match has been playing in the background. I'll definitely miss the night scene and all of the gay bars and indie clubs that have local bands play. I'll miss my flatmates and our endless late night conversations and all of the times we pop downstairs for a fag at two or three o'clock in the morning. I know I'll miss walking around alone with my iPod blasting music in my ears and staring at all of the different people that pass me by.

There's just so much.

I've done a lot of living, but I wish I could have done more. My coursework is piss easy which leaves me with a lot of time on my hands. During the day I normally sleep or hang out in the kitchen and it is the evening when things begin to happen. It's our life that we live all together. It's our story that I've watched unfold before my eyes. I don't know if anyone else would give two shits about our story, but to us it's amazing. We are the different characters all from different places that have come together and instantly bonded while sorting our futures out. Uni is just something that happens in the background as we grow and learn how to live with each other and change into (hopefully) well-rounded people.

Our first year is ending though and it's fast-approaching. We're being forced to look into the future and get things set up for round two of our uni lives. It sucks, really. We've become so comfortable in our uni bubble. The cushion that we have for ourselves is a pot of gold and nobody really wants to leave. In the back of our minds we all secretly hoped that this would be it for us.

I can feel myself being pulled back though. Back to my life in Virginia. I can hear Momma's voice. I see her face all the time. It's like I'm in a big pool full of old memories and I'm slowly drowning in them and the deeper I sink the more vivid and often they flood my mind. The light fades as I continue to fall to the bottom, my chest tightens and it becomes hard for me to breathe. I close my eyes and even though I'm under water I still cry and can feel the tears roll down my cheeks.

I'll keep on waiting. The day will come when I return back to Manassas and be rejoined with everything that is known and familar. Until then I'll have to press on here and learn how to properly take care of myself, stand on my own two feet and learn how to survive completely on my own in London. I have to soak it up now since I know that when I do go back home I'll be wishing I was back here listening to the London rain tap on my window and living in my uni bubble.

Posted by Sam at 11:06 PM | Permalink

It started about three weeks ago. I was standing in the kitchen, looking out of our window at London's horizon. In my hand I had a cup of tea and I was thinking how lovely it all looked. I thought about the skies here and how they're different. They're not the same as the skies back home.

I miss home.

I haven't been able to shake the feeling since. It's like someone is fishing and I've got their hook stuck in my heart and it's tugging me back towards Heathrow asking for a one way ticket back to the states. I wouldn't look back. I just want to go home.

It kind of scared me how sudden and abrupt the change was. It's happened before but I never thought that it would happen to me and London. Never ever would I get tired of my city. We were always going to be together, holding hands and skipping in a field of daisies. We would continue loving each other and taking care of each other until we were both old and I was senile. That's what I was looking forward to.

But even still, the closest of friends need a break from each other every so often. They need to take a breather and be alone if only so they can miss their other half. Which is exactly what I need. Now.

I could have gone home during the Christmas break, but things were odd during that time. I was still kind of in a stress with Momma and wasn't exactly in the mood to go back and be with everyone. I wasn't ready to leave London and I really wanted Mel to come over so we could hang out here and I could show her my new world. Being able to share with Mel this entire new side of me was a great feeling and to be honest, I was quite proud of this little bit of corner that I have carved out for myself. Sure, it isn't anything great and it certainly is modest, but it's mine and I'm proud of it all. She needed to see it and experience it just so that she could feel how important it all is to me.

I've been doing a little counting though (not much since numbers make my brain hurt) and I've realized that come Valentine's Day, I would have been here for an entire six months. Six whole fucking months that I've been here. It's shocking really and frightening to think about for more than five minutes. I've been out and about in this big city all by my lonesome for the most part. Yes, I know I have my flatmates now, but we're all basically in the same boat, feeling out the new surface with our feet and testing things out to see if it's safe or not to walk on.

It is essentially the six months itch.

Oh, how the homsickness is starting to kick in for me. It's not because I'm skint though. I'm sure of it. First of all, I wouldn't be coming back with any money anyway since Momma has said that she wouldn't give me any. And second of all, I've been skint for a long while now and eventually you tend to forget just how poor you are. To drown it out I've been going out and partying, naturally. You'd be surprised just how drunk you can get when you've got absolutely no money to your name. Nothing. I literally don't have one cent to call my own. Is it a scary feeling? Kind of, yeah. Am I freaking out? Not so much...not anymore. I was scared in the beginning since I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I've always had money and got used to it being around. What I've learned is that I can get used to not having money as well. It's a different lifestyle, but it is possible. Trust me when I say that this is not going to be the norm for me. I do want a job, I do want to have money and I do want to be some kind of contributing member of society. It's just a little harder when you don't have a national insurance number. I wish I would have known about that before I came over here, but hey....shit happens. My appointment is on the 8th of February and I'll be sorted the moment I get that annoying thing that has been a royal pain in my ass ever since I first started looking for a job.

Until then, I've got some time on my hands. For the most part I've been watching everybody's box dvd sets that they have of different TV programs during the day and during the night, I go to the bar or my new favorite gay club called, Reflex. Yes, the gay scene is totally happening here and I'm deep in the mix of things. I'm not gay, but I do love all the people and the fact that I can go to a place that plays the perfect, cheesy music that I love to dance to and not worry about random guys trying to pull me. Life is so much happier amongst the rainbow lights, disco balls and poppers.

I have stories. I've been collecting them and safely filing them away in the back of my mind. I've done things that I've wanted to do, things that I thought I would never do and things that I've regretted. Everyone's jaws would drop and they would squeal, "no! Not our Sammi Jo! She'd never do such a thing..." But I have, and it was fun. I've had a good time and I'd love to take the time to write about them all in great length and detail. However, at this particular time I just want to curl up in my bed - my double bed - back in Virginia, stare outside of my window with my TV on quietly in the background and fall asleep knowing that Momma and Mel are only a couple of feet away. I miss my home. I miss walking around the townhouse in my jammies, not caring what I looked like, making a bowl of cereal and talking to Momma in the morning times before she darted off to work. I miss running out and getting lunch for everyone at the office. I miss sitting in traffic at the end of the day and chilling with myself. I miss, I miss, I miss so much. And I don't want anymore distractions from those thoughts. I don't want to go to another club, another bar, another pub, another house party, another drinking game, another spliff, or another anything. For once, I don't want it in the slightest.

I just want to go home. Please just let me go home.

Posted by Sam at 03:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Now that quite a bit of time has gone by and it is a new year, I've decided to update my description of all my flatmates that I get along with, simply because I feel like it and because I think it's necessary. This way, if I mention them here on my blog, you can know at least a little more background information on them. These girls have all become my family and without them, I know for a fact I'd probably be curled up in a cardboard box somewhere begging strangers for random change on the street.

**

Zoe: She is known as "the Irish one". I never was particularly close to Zoe, but these days we've grown closer and I feel like our relationship is one with potential to be a lot more. She surprised me one evening when she came in my room with £50 and said that her mom had transferred it to her just for me. She knows what kind of financial problems I've been having recently and I almost started crying when she offered it to me and said that I didn't have to pay her mom back. Of course I'm going to as soon as I get a proper job and I'm also going to buy her a gift on Mother's Day, but the fact that she reached out and did that for me was not only surprising since it's not her problem and all I ever really wanted was somebody to listen to me bitch about it for a while, but it was so kind and restored some of my faith in the human race. We share the same interests as far as writing goes and hopefully we'll be working together soon to try and tackle the London media. Who knows what will become of it, but I'm sure if we do it together, no matter what happens, we're going to have loads of fun.

Helen: She is the English version of me only completely opposite. Physically we resemble each other except for the fact that her hair is blond and mine is brown. We both have similar red jackets, we bought the same jumper from Asda, our dishes match and all of our boy problems seem to be parallel with one another. I can sit and talk to her for ages about every single subject under the sun and never get tired. We've stayed up until half six in the morning once just obsessing and over analyzing every last thing about the boys at Bede House. She was the first flatmate that I got on with straight away and I hope that we know each other for many more years to come. She's so smart and reminds me of how I'd like to be while I'm at university. Just little, simple things like being more responsible and she brings me back down to earth when I'm so far gone in my own dramatic, fucked up world.

Fiona: My dear, sweet Fiona. She is definitely most like me personality wise. We get each other's jokes, we have the same opinions on practically everything and if there's ever anyone I need to procrastinate with to do anything like coursework or my washing up, she's the girl to go to. Like Helen, we can stay up for ages and chat shit all night long like it's never been done before. It's uncanny how similar our lives are as well. Her and I spend most of our time laughing and making jokes that most people would find offensive but we find it absolutely hilarious. I always tell her that it's nice to know that I'm going to have a friend with me in hell that I can laugh with.

Carlene: It took me the longest to feel like Carlene and I were properly close. I think it was because I always thought of her as the mother figure in our flat even though she is a year younger than me and therefore, I treated her as if she was my mother in a sense. I always kept her at an arm's length and never wanted to do anything that I thought would disappoint her in any kind of way or upset her. Just knowing that she was off with me by a tiny bit would send me in a spiral and I'd feel awful as if I had done something wrong. It wasn't until I started thinking of her as a flatmate, rather than the unstoppable mother, that we started to really get close. I realized that she, too, is a person. She also has flaws and makes mistakes just like the rest of us. I consider her to be one of my best friends now and she's one of my favorite drinking buddies.

Lauren: My roommate that I never asked for but always wanted. Sure, she doesn't live in our building but she is a flatmate and my first year at uni wouldn't be the same if she hadn't been with me through it all. She has seen me at my best and my absolute worst. She has her own towel, her own toothbrush and half of her wardrobe in my room. We share practically everything and I'm so glad to have met her. Sure, there are times when I'm annoyed with her and would prefer to be alone, but we can talk things out rather than have a proper go at each other. I tell her when I need to be on my lonesome and she can tell whenever I get into one of my moods. I talk to her all the time about everything and there's not one subject that we've never discussed at least two times. We are known as the odd married couple and where there's one, the other is sure to be following close behind.

**

Those are my main girls, the ones that I've been living with and who I've bonded with the most since I've been here. I love each and every one of them to bits and pieces and they have grown to not only just be my flatmates and my friends, but I consider them to be family. I may not have mentioned them that often on here, but every day we see each other, every day we talk, every day we do something that brings us that much closer. We've had our fall outs and have wanted to kick the shit out of somebody else at least once or twice, but at the end of the day, I love these bitches and would walk through fire for them if I was asked to.

Posted by Sam at 01:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I thought it was going to be an early night. Everything is set up and ready for me to close my eyes and drift off into my own Dreamland. The lights are off, my bed is all warm and snuggly, I've washed my face and brushed my teeth, but even with my new iPod (Sugar) playing soothing tunes in my ears, I simply cannot shut the voices off in my head. They won't leave me alone. And it's all my fault.

I've watched two dvds, drank two small cups of tea, made an egg sandwich, smoked two fags, printed off my essay that I need to hand in tomorrow, checked everything that there is to check online, caught up with my e-mails to people back home and yet nothing works. I sit, staring at my blank wall with my eyelids so heavy and practically shut, and yet all I can think about is how badly I want to stand outside in the wind and freezing cold rain with nothing but rain boots on. For some reason I find that hilarious.

Things that I've been ignoring for the past month or so is creeping it's way back to the front of my mind. Things that I've said, that I've done, that are horrible and completely out of character, that I'm ashamed of, embarrassed of, that I've been denying for so long is just now starting to properly effect me. And my sleep pattern, so it seems. I can't help but feel it now. It's faint and almost undetectable, but it's there and I can feel it growing roots inside of my brain.

Part of me wants to try and right the wrong that I've done. Not to clear my guilty conscious (well, okay, maybe that) but to put an ending to something that has been begging to be put to rest for ages. Every story, even the bad ones, deserve a proper ending, no? Something that says, "yes, that is over and done with now." Something that will allow you to sleep at night and not have the little questions and worries fester in your mind and that randomly strike you when you're standing in line at Sainsbury's buying more bread and Southern Comfort.

The other side simply says to leave things alone. What's done is done and for fuck's sake can't you for once just leave it be? Enough damage has been done so let's not try and cause any more.

There was a moment in time when I thought, "fucking good riddance! I'm glad that's over with. Let's go to the bar, shall we?" I immediately forgot about the words that should have never been said and the things that should have never been done. As far as I was concerned, I no longer had that problem anymore. All I needed was a drink to wash the memories away and I'd be fine.

But lately, these past few days I've been thinking about what happened. I'm not sure what brought it on either.

You are a complicated woman, Samantha Leigh. The man you thought you loved and treated you like a queen, you fucked off and basically told him to drop dead. The man who treats you like shit and barely acknowledges your presence, you obsess over and want nothing more in the world than for him to show any kind of sign that he likes you back. You pathetic, pathetic thing. When will you ever learn?

It's a scary feeling knowing that you are the primary cause for so much pain. It's not something that I ever wanted cause. I've sat and said the excuses to myself and then tossed them out the window because they're bullshit. I know what I did. It's not because I was going through a tough time. Shit doesn't just happen and you move on. Sometimes you just act like an asshole and then can't be mature enough to clean up your own mess. It sucks.

And what's even scarier is that I think maybe that is our ending to our story. There isn't a castle, a white horse or a fucking sunset. All that's left is the broken glass that smashed when I threw a rock through the window to my dream house.

Posted by Sam at 12:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The cold, the wind and the rain keep us all inside left to entertain ourselves. There's no point in getting all dressed up to go out when you think about freezing your legs while waiting on the bus or taxi and having the wind toss your hair around before you even make it to the bar or club.

So we stay inside, drink inside, watch dvds inside and only leave to get bread, milk, fags and more alcohol.

Mel left back for the states this past Saturday and I could tell that she was ready to head back over the pond and rejoin everybody else who lives in a reality that I have completely forgotten about. A steady job? Huh? I wonder what that is. Bills that I have to pay every month? Can't remember what that's like.

She said she had fun and a really good time, but that she couldn't keep up with it all anymore. I do think it was quite the shock to her system as it was to mine, but I think it was a lot easier for her since I was here and all of my flatmates were really good to her. By the end of her stay she felt just like one of the girls and was already picking up on how things run around here. She knew that we had to catch the 85 to get into Kingston and how even if you don't drink or live the party life when you're in the city, life here costs an arm and a leg. She tells the time differently (i.e. half four or quarter past five, instead of four thirty or five fifteen), eats toast with most of her meals now and has learned about nutella and how it is a gift from Heaven.

We had a good time and when I left her at the airport, I knew she was going back home with new stories to tell everybody. I got a little misty-eyed after I watched her pass through the security gates at Heathrow, but I knew she would be back. Her and Momma both would be back.

Since then, I've been sat at home working on some of my coursework that's due this week and having some good 'ole bonding time with most of my flatmates. We're celebrating at the end of this week after everybody has finished handing in their work and taking their exams. It will be three non-stop days of drinking and properly living it up. We can't sit at home any longer. We've been home bodies for way too long. All we want to do is put on some make-up and dance to the cheesy pop music that we know and love.

But we also know that we need to pace ourselves this semester and calm down a lot. One evening when Fiona, Carlene and myself stayed up until half seven in the morning, sober and talking about every subject under the sun, we all discussed how we need to chill the fuck out and not make the same mistakes we did last semester. It was funny to hear how we're all similar in the fact that we all had full time jobs before we came to uni and how we've all mentally turned back to how we were when we were sixteen. The uni life does consume you and now that we're aware of it, hopefully we'll be a little better in recognizing it and not letting every little problem stop the whole world. I don't want to be the stupid, selfish, drama queen that I was last term. That's not who I am and not who I want to be. I do have a rational side to myself and I shouldn't let petty stuff distract me from the rest of my life.

The subject of who we were going to live with next year came up as well. We won't be on campus anymore and will no longer have somebody come in every day to clean our kitchen or bathrooms. Things are definitely going to change. Nobody knows if it'll be for better or worse. All I know is that I want to stay close to the campus so I can still go to the bar and the bop without having to worry about transportation back home.

Sure, it's odd to think about the future, both near and far, but as much as I want to be more responsible and be that person I was back home, the other half of me simply can't be bothered and I'd be more than satisfied to sit around here, eat my mix of sweets that I buy from Woolworths and remain in our little uni bubble for just a little while longer. Life is so much warmer inside.

Posted by Sam at 06:16 PM | Permalink

Everybody has left to go home and the only two people left in the flat are Mel and myself. Mel's an early bird so she goes to bed before the sun sets and since my body clock is still set on "party mode" I normally don't fall asleep until half three in the morning. It's a strange schedule to be on.

Mel stays in Helen's room because Helen was kind enough to loan us her card key whilst Mel is staying here in London. She didn't like the idea of sleeping on the floor for three and a half weeks, nor did she want to share a tiny twin sized bed with me either, so this was the only thing I could think of short of her bringing an air mattress over with her.

Things are quiet at the moment. I just got finished folding three loads of laundry. There were six loads in total and I haven't done any laundry for about a month. That just goes to show how many clothes I own and how lazy I've become. I had to get down to my really skanky pairs of underwear before I even started to question where all of my favorite shirts were, or how come I was running low on socks. In celebration of this big laundry day, I've decided to let my Ben & Jerry's ice cream thaw out a little and eat it before I go to sleep. Happy Christmas Eve to me.

**

It was the second day that Mel was here when we had our first argument. I knew it wouldn't take long before we got irritated with each other and decided to have a massive row.

Mel: "It's not right, Sammi! We shouldn't be here by ourselves for Christmas. We should be back home. I don't like it here."

Me: "Oh really? You don't like it here? You haven't even given it a proper chance! All you've been doing is sitting in the corner with your arms crossed and a judgemental puss on your face. Why don't you try and make a little effort, huh? Why do we have to do the same shit every single goddamned year? And for fuck's sake if you don't want to be here, then fucking pack your shit now and go back home. I don't need this shit!"

Mel: "How come you didn't want to come home? Why can't we be at home?"

I didn't know why I didn't want to go home. Part of me always wants to be back home. I miss the familiarity of everything and feeling stable and secure. But the truth was, I didn't want to leave London even more. As much as I miss my family, the roads I used to drive, and lord, all of the food, I would have missed London way too much. I'm not ready to leave it just yet, even if it would be for a month and a half and I'd know that I was coming back, I didn't want to leave. I was even a little scared that Momma wouldn't let me come back. She was always saying how she didn't like me being over here and how she thinks that I'm screwing it all up. Being in the flat alone and spending Christmas with the city was a lot more appealing than going back home where I knew everything would quickly go back to how they were before I left and I'd feel stranded all over again.

After we had our fall out, we quickly patched things up and moved on like normal. That's just how our relationship is and it was kind of nice to have an argument with Mel face to face. We hadn't had one in ages so it really was like I was back home anyway. She made a little more effort to get to know everyone and include herself, and I scaled back on my drinking so I wasn't an absolute pisshead every single night. It was a nice compromise.

Its been about a week and a half since shes been here and I must say that it has been really nice. I was so excited to take her everywhere I go and everywhere I've been. I've introduced her to practically everyone I've ever come in contact with here and now it seems like she's just one of the girls who has been living in our flat all the time. We've been to loads of different shops, poked around in Central for a bit and basically just living the uni life that I've been living since I arrived.

It was sad once everyone started leaving for back home though. Trish was first to go back to the states. Helen was the first to leave out of our flat, then Lauren, Cat, Alex and Fiona. Santos followed close behind with Zoe and Carlene being the last of the lot. I never like it when people leave. It's really sad to think of everybody separated and not under the same roof. It's also really strange to think about the fact that we've only been living together for about four months now and how quickly all of these people have turned into family. The holidays seem like a preview for when our first year ends and everyone breaks up for the summer months. We'll all be moving out of halls to go back home and then what? What happens after that? I can't even begin to think about not seeing everyone for more than a couple of weeks. I can't stand being away from them so much that Mel and I are visiting some of my flatmates after Christmas and hanging out with them at their houses for no other reason than just to see them and not be apart anymore.

In some ways though, I'm glad to be getting a break from everyone as well. We've all been joined at the hips for so long that it was becoming too exhausting for me to keep up. It's good to have some space, clear the mind and let the body properly recover from all of the abuse I've been putting it through. It's really nice to chill out with Mel in front of the television, watching a dvd just like we would back at home. It's also really nice to do some chores for a change and get all of my washing done.

We don't have any plans for New Years, but I'm sure we'll go out and do something. I talk to Momma these days as if we had never had our fall out and I'm glad that I'm able to talk to her again. Life simply isn't the same without her advice and pep talks. She keeps me updated with all of the drama at work and it's funny to hear about people back home that I used to work with, still up to their same games. Things will never change it seems, yet every day something new happens.

2006 is quickly coming to an end, and can I just say, thank you lord. It has been a whirlwind for sure and I can't wait to kick off 2007. I have my new year's resolutions (which I'm keeping to myself, thank you very much), I've got a plan in the works to pull my shit together and I feel confident enough that I'll actually do something positive for a change instead of fucking things up to the nth degree. This break is just what I need to get ready to tackle a brand new year.

Posted by Sam at 04:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It's quarter past twelve in the morning and I'm awake. Wide awake. No pro plus is in my system, but my brain won't shut off. It just continues to tick, tick, tick and go round, round, round.

There are so many things going on.

The end of the year is always a busy time for me with the holidays demanding my attention, decorating the house and trying to fit in time when I can sit in front of the TV with a big bowl of cookie dough ice-cream watching my favorite Christmas programs.

This year, however, is slightly different since I'm celebrating in a different country, with different people and no television anywhere in sight. The good news is that Mel is arriving on Tuesday and we'll be able to do all of our regular American family traditions that we do every year.

I didn't realize that so much time had passed by. I knew she was coming but when it finally clicked that it was just next week I began to freak out when it hit me that she was really coming here. She was going to be in my room, hanging out with my friends, seeing the same things that I see all the time, going to the same places that I go to all the time. How strange is that?

So I stood in my tiny room and completely rearranged it and went OCD on its ass. I now have loads more space and feel a lot better about having company in my room.

These days I'm doing pretty good. I still live one day to the next and try not to go completely mental about not having a plan carved out in cement, but I laugh and I smile and I don't sit around feeling absolutely shit about everything all the time. I stay sober for the most part and have learned that while it does suck not always having cocaine or weed on me at all times, life will continue if I don't have it attached to my hip. Alcohol on the other hand is still necessary for me when I go out and if I don't have my fags...well, lord help us all.

I've been keeping up with my coursework for the most part and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This semester is almost finished and it all flew by me so quickly in a blur. I had my high points and my low points, but for the most part I think I can honestly say that I smiled throughout the entire thing. When things were bad, they were certainly bad, but I'm doing better and I feel like things should start getting better here soon.

The transition and shock of leaving my very organized life was a definite hard blow to my system. I was tossed into this new life where I didn't understand anything and found myself face down on the ground with dirt in my mouth and blood on my knees. There wasn't a way for me to cope, and to deal with all of the pain I was feeling in one big gulp might have killed me. I left Coporate America to be a London student and the two roles are complete opposites. I had to adjust to a completely new system and I was trying to be both people at the same time. The thing is though, that I knew all along but just couldn't figure out how to do it, was I needed to mesh both people into one. I can go out and have my fun, but I still need to keep my shit together. Otherwise, you'll end up in the position I'm in right now; no money and occasionally will have a flashback to my crazy party nights that I want to relive.

The university bubble is so small and it's so easy to get caught up in everything, but eventually over time, you start to see that there is a lot more out there that lies beyond the walls of the university. As hard as it is for me, I'm starting to slow down and catch my breath. I remember that things weren't so bad when I lead my so called "boring life" and was able to sit around with no plans other than watching shit TV and watching the rain outside. I miss those days when I could lounge around in my jammies with no make-up and not a soul around in the house. If I wanted to eat Doritos for breakfast, I could and if I felt like running down to Burger King in my slippers, that wasn't a problem. I'd appreciate some time alone for a change without everyone in the kitchen, playing their music loud and running up and down in the corridor. I just can't be pleased either way it seems.

And so the days continue and I make it through yet again.

Posted by Sam at 01:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's a day that I spend alone. One where I need to be alone. Every day for the past two months has been spent getting lost with everyone else, being lost inside of everyone else. I remember that I used to have an identity and a personality. These days I have no energy and even lying in bed is too painful.

I gaze out of my window at the same buildings and the same trees that have been here ever since I arrived and were here before I arrived. Yet everytime I look outside there's a different scene. The sky is different and there are different people; a girl who runs into the library for shelter from the rain. A guy who wraps a scarf around a girl and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

Or I see people that I do know, that I already have a small history with and wish that they could hear me screaming despite me being so far away from them.

A person that I don't recognize sees me staring out my window and waves up at me. I'm not sure if they know who I am or if they're even waving to me so I don't do anything back, other than continue to stare. They keep on waving even as they get in their car and begin to drive so I decide to humor them and wave back. They seem satisfied and stop waving up at me. I then wonder who they were.

**

Life isn't complicated or hard, but at the same time it is. Everything seems so much simpler at night when you're not yourself and you can pretend to be somebody else. You dress in your fanciest clothes, do up your make-up to perfection, sprtiz on your best smelling perfume, double check your pocketbook to make sure that you have everything that you'll need for the evening and the moment you step one foot onto the pavement, it has all began. You're walking arm-in-arm with your best girlfriends and in the air you can smell all of the night's possibilities. Who are you going to meet? What are you going to talk about? What are you going to do? Obviously there will be dancing. There's always dancing. And drinking. People buy you drinks because you're cute, funny and American.

"One more shot for the American!" they'll shout and you'll drink whatever it is that they give you because it's free and rude to turn down drinks from strangers with beautiful accents.

This is all that you wanted. You wanted the carefree life far, far away from everything that you know and recognize. You were desperate back home for some shaking up, for some craziness, for some fun. All you think about when you think about life back home are the restrictions and all of the rules. There were so many rules to follow and so many people it felt like they were tying you down. Bless them, you know they had the best intentions, but you just wanted to get away. And now that you are gone, you're scared that you may never want to go back.

Despite having the glorious night life addiction, you've also picked up a slight drug habbit. It's one thing to be an alcoholic, but getting stoned every other night and being hyped up on cocaine on the opposite nights isn't so glamorous. It's nasty and more importantly, expensive. The coke gives you energy when you're practically dead and your body is already ice cold and the weed chills you out and calms your nerves from the night before. You get lost in the fog and the haze of the smoke, and legends are brought back from the dead and make sweet, sweet love to you through their music. There are no problems and there never were any problems. You don't have any thoughts and as everyone is rushing all around you, you sit in the corner, propped up against a wall with your fag in one hand and watch life in slow motion.

**

Daylight is streaming through my window and I can hear the rain tap on the glass. I wake up, go to the bathroom and wish that I had washed my face and brushed my teeth the night before. I feel and look like roadkill. After I slowly take a shower and try to put myself together, I leave my room and walk into the kitchen to make my morning toast and tea. I see my flatmates and they smile strangely at me but say nothing. Their smile says it all. It says, "I saw you last night. I know what you did. I know what you said." I strain my face and form something that I think resembles a smile. Sometimes I'll sit in the kitchen and pretend to be social, but other times I just come back in my room where it's quiet. I may want to be alone, but I leave the door latched in case anybody wants to come in and talk. Gossip is more like it.

I lay with my head at the foot of the bed and watch as the clouds are pulled from one side of my window to the other. I watch the colors change in the sky. It goes from grey, to blue, to pink, to purple and finally to deep, dark blue. Sunset is my favorite time and the only time when I care to get up and look at the sky completely. I can see the pink clouds being reflected in the puddles in the grass from all of the rain. I watch as the planes disappear and think about when I was on a plane to come over here. It was quite the day, and already seems like years ago. I was walking in the unknown and wasn't prepared for any of this. All of the research I did, all of the paperwork I filled out, all of endless nights I stayed up thinking about that day did nothing to prepare me for all of this.

Eventually the light fades and the night has returned. I've done nothing other than lay on my bed in the same position all day, alone. I don't plan on going out, I never plan on it. Until my cell phone rings and the voice on the other end is telling me about the new theme for the evening at the bop or at the bar. I refuse, half-heartedly and part of me really doesn't want to go out. Part of me just wants to stay in, recover from the other nights out and be lazy. But the other part doesn't want to be left out. I don't want to be the one who's listening to the story, rather I want to be the one telling it. I want to be the one who laughs, who dances, who cries, who runs, who screams, who drinks, who argues, who plays, who does it all. I want it to be me.

So I force myself out of bed, take some more pro plus and that's when I fall back into the shadows and you come out into the light.

Posted by Sam at 04:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

It's when you wake up the next morning with your eyelids stuck together from the two hours of crying and the mascara holding your lashes together that you wonder if this is rock bottom yet. I mean, things really can't get any worse, can they? You've alienated yourself from your friends and family back home, you don't have any money, you quit your job after two shifts, you've become addicted to pro plus and taking two every morning is the only way that you can get out of bed. You've drank, smoked, snorted and danced all of your money away. The security guards no longer ask you for your student ID because you're a regular at the bar and people only know you as the girl who likes to dance. You forget that you even have lectures, you've lost track of all of the homework you have to do and you cry over boys who won't remember your face let alone your name the next morning.

But you press on. You don't stop going out, your immune system is on the verge of completely failing and you can't get rid of the fucking cough that has been clinging to your chest for two months, but it's okay. One more fag, one more line, one more drink, one more spliff, one more song. You shove the guilt aside and don't even think about admiting to anyone how badly you've fucked up because the last thing you want to hear is "I told you so" or listen to four hour lectures about how you should have budgeted better, planned better, prepared better, done everything better. Which is why you never ask for help. You don't let yourself think about how you've let everyone down, mostly yourself.

Because tomorrow is a new day and you're so far in denial about the entire situation that you think no matter how deep the hole is, you can still climb out of it.

Posted by Sam at 02:28 PM | Permalink

Ten days since my last blog post? It has been FAR TOO LONG.

Honestly, I have no sense of time here. Days come, they go, they come again...I never know if it's a Thursday or a Monday. Who cares? Is it really that important to know what day it is? And then I realize that it has been ten days since I've posted on my blog and I realize that, yes, it is THAT IMPORTANT.

The good news is that I got a job. Hip, hip, HORRAY! Hip, hip, HORRAY!

(Yes, I have also noticed that there are a lot of capital words in this post and I'm not even halfway through. Please bear with me.)

I'm working at this old man's pub called Wetherspoons. That's right, ladies and gentleman, I'm a barmaid. How cool is that? I haven't started work yet, since I was just hired this Friday, but my first shift is on Thursday and I'm really excited. Before you know it I'll be able to pour a pint with one hand tied behind my back. The cool thing is that I won't be working alone. Three of my flatmates will be working there as well; Santos, Carlene and Zoe. We'll all get sick and tired of seeing each other or it'll be tons of fun. I'm betting my money on tons of fun.

Unfortunately my reading week was a waste of time to do any decent writing. I don't know why I'm raging against the machine and finding it so difficult to write one decent thing on a piece of paper, but it's taking a lot of effort to sit me down and do some proper work. I feel like a three-year-old sometimes who refuses to eat their vegetables.

"No! I don't want to write! I want candy!!!"

Honestly, you would think that I'd be so excited about having all of this time to write beautiful words that move people to their inner core, but I'm finding it more fun to actually experience life at the moment instead of writing it all down. There are just so many things to see and do, that when I finally do find the time to write, I'm so exhausted and just want to sleep. Today I did do a little bit of writing and managed to squeeze out three teeny tiny paragraphs from my fingers. I prefer to let the words come naturally and found that forcing myself to try and be creative wasn't the way to go about things.

I'm going to take a break from London for a little bit though. At least for a couple of days. I can't go out drinking anymore. I can't be bothered to muster up the energy to come up with one more outfit, to paste my make-up on for one more night, to spend one more pound. I just can't. Everybody thinks that I've become depressed but that's not the case. I just need some alone time. Some sober, alone time that doesn't require me to be sprawled out on the floor reaching for my door handle, but can't because I'm too intoxicated. Sure, it was a good night, but I woke up the next day wishing that I could push all of my insides back inside of my body.

I need to step away from everybody's drama. There is so much drama floating around here that it's like the flu. You can't help but catch it. I've been caught up in everybody else's drama that I've lost track of my own. Not that I have that much drama going on at the moment. I think that it's just time I take care of myself for a bit and worry more about me instead of all of my flatmates. Every now and then it's good to say, "fuck it, you figure it out." I have to remember why I came here in the first place, re-examine my situation and not forget that I did have a reason to be here, and it's not to analyze why so-and-so doesn't want to talk to so-and-so.

The time has come for me to grow up a little and remember the old Sam who lived back in Virginia, who was chained behind her desk and who wanted so badly to live in London. Not stumble around in London and shout incoherent phrases to random strangers. I need to take time to write to my mother, tell her how much I love and miss her, and how badly I wished she was coming over with Mel in December. I need to send off the millions of postcards that I've written for people back home, just haven't sent off yet. I need to read all of the blogs that I haven't visited for the past couple of weeks. I need to get a haircut. I need to think about my finances. I need to be the writer I was back home.

And I need to not neglect my blog anymore.

Posted by Sam at 11:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Believe it or not, but I do think that I eat a lot more here in London than I ever ate back home. I'm not sure why, but I'm very aware of my eating habits here and just food in general.

When I first arrived it was scary not knowing where my next meal was going to come from. The university did provide our first couple of meals since we obviously didn't have any food with us or know of any local places to go and buy food. It really did suck not having any food in the kitchen as well just to have and poke through if I ever got a craving for something and wanted a snack.

These days, however, my cupboard is fully stocked, as is the fridge and freezer. I've discovered that there isn't any meal that you can't eat toast with. I go through a loaf of bread within approximately four days. I've also learned that Super Noodles are just like ramen and I'm eating like a proper college student. Tea is required at all meals and if you make a cup of tea, you have to ask everyone who's in the kitchen if they'd like one as well. It's bad manners not to do so in our kitchen. Fiona and I are the primary tea makers though since everyone has voted and decided that we make the best tea. Being American, I take that as a huge compliment.

The one thing that I have a love/hate relationship with is grocery shopping. It's always fun going to Asda on my lonesome to do a bit of food shopping, roaming up and down each aisle whilst listening to Mini. I still like looking at all of the different brands of food and just how everything comes in smaller portions over here. I always take my time and eventually my cart will be over halfway full and I'll think to myself, "ah, yes. Another successful shopping trip. I won't need to go food shopping for quite a while now." And then I'll remember that I don't have a car. I can't just chuck everything into the trunk and drive it home. I have to take the bus. Where there's limited space. Where I'll look like a dork struggling with all of the heavy items.

Then I'll back track all of my steps and decide whether or not I really need the five cans of Hoops (spaghetti O's).

I don't. I compromise with myself and put three of them back.

Once I'm finished filtering through everything that Asda have to offer, I go to the checkout line and remember that I not only have to carry all of this shit back by myself, but I also have to bag everything.

That's right. We don't have bag boys here in England. People are meant to do it themselves. Honestly!

Since I'm OCD about my food, I take ages and make sure that the refrigerator items are put together, and that the bread isn't with anything that will smush it completely flat. I also try and distribute bag weight evenly so that one bag isn't heavier than another. I can tell that everybody who's in line behind me are regretting their decision to stand behind the small American who takes seven years to bag twenty items. I feel bad, really, I do, but at the same time I don't feel like searching through all of the bags once I get home for all of the freezer items, which is what I always put away first.

I've taken the bus back a couple of times after a big food shopping trip, but then I wised up and learned that it only costs a fiver for me to call the taxi company and have them meet me at Asda. Lauren is a big fan of taxis and has taught me that it's much better to spend the extra money getting a cab where you can sit comfortably by yourself instead of struggling to get on the bus and have everyone look at you and feel sorry for you. Not only that, but the cab drivers usually help you load all of your bags into the boot of the car and take them out for you right at the bottom of the stairs.

Yes, it is totally worth it.

I don't waste as much food as I used to back home and make sure if I buy something, I'll eat it. There's no point in buying something to sit in the cupboard for weeks collecting dust. It's remarkable, but I've never been so conscious about food. These days it's one of my regular thoughts and so far I think I've been doing a really good job keeping up with it all. I cook quite a bit as well and have learned that I'm not too terrible at making some things.

It was definitely unusual adjusting to the food changes but for the most part I think I'm doing alright. I may not have everything like back home and eat properly every single night, but I'm also not a starving artist. Whenever I get a moment or I'm even slightly bored, I know I can go into the kitchen and make Hoops on toast, Super Noodles on toast or nutella and toast.

Posted by Sam at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I just woke up from the Mother Of All Sleeps. Fourteen hours I laid still in my bed and worried about nothing other than sleep, sleep and more sleep. It was great and completely necessary.

For the past couple of weeks I've been getting by on four or five hours of sleep. If I'm lucky I'll get a full eight hours here and there, but there just hasn't been a steady pattern of any kind for my poor body who everyday yells at me continuously for being so abusive. I have cut down on going out and I'm nowhere near as sad and far in a funk as I was before. I'm actually being productive and taking the proper steps to get my things sorted. It is a good feeling.

Last week I updated my CV (resume) and headed into Putney to find a job. I filled out a couple of applications and dropped my CV off in some shops that I wouldn't mind working in. Putney is the most ideal place to get a job since it's only ten minutes up the road by bus, and I'd prefer not going so far out to work. If it was up to me I'd work at HMV but I also left an application in The Body Shop and of course Boots, and some other stores that wouldn't suck if I worked there. So far I haven't heard anything but I'm hopeful and there's still Barnes and Hammersmith that I haven't scouted yet. I plan on going next week since it's the Creative Writing Reading Week. Apparently that's supposed to be time for us to be creative, write, read and hook up with our editing groups. I'm using it to open my bank account and continue to find a job. A lot of work should get accomplished as well, but mostly it'll be me kicking my job searching into high gear.

It was only a few days ago when I was downstairs with Zoe and Fiona smoking I realized that it was fall. The leaves have been changing all around me right before my eyes, the days are becoming colder and colder, and yet I've been absolutely oblivious to all of the signs that Mother Nature has been shoving in front of my face. I've been in denial, yet again, about the change in the seasons. I don't want it to get cold. Well, I do, because I love fall, but at the same time it's really sad. It makes me want to go back home and snuggle on the couch with Momma, drinking a cup of hot tea, talking about every subject under the sun for hours on end like we usually do around this time of year. I want to walk around in my flannel jammies and lay in bed with Mel while we watch our regular TV shows.

I became homesick. I still am. I just want to go back for a day. Okay, maybe a week. Maybe two. I just want to visit though. Then I'd want to come back here and finish what I started.

The really sad thing is that I'm not going back home for Christmas. Not at all. Instead I'll be staying here at university. No worries, I won't be completely alone. Mel is coming to visit me from the 16th of December until the 29th. Momma and I still aren't speaking and even though Mel says that she isn't mad at me anymore, things still aren't okay with us. Things were never sorted. Things are very much not okay.

Still, I'm excited about Mel coming to visit me. I can't wait to show her around university, introduce her to my flatmates, take her into central London, Hammersmith, Putney, Kingston and Barnes. There are so many places I need to take her and so many things I need to show her. We'll do all of the tourist things and I know she's excited about the shopping in London. I wish Momma was coming with her, but it won't happen since she'll still be taking her college classes and if she misses two, she fails. Instead Mel assured me that she'll come in March when she has to come to England anyway for some business stuff. How nice...

Even with the seasons changing and the strong feelings of homesickness, the girls have been keeping me occupied and happy so I'm not always in my room sulking, screaming out how much I want to eat American food and curl under my covers in my bedroom. We're already making plans for our Thanksgiving dinner, because goddammit just because we're in England doesn't mean we can't have a proper Thanksgiving meal. Trish and I will be getting everything prepared since we're the two yanks in our group, and everybody else will be doing the dishes even though they don't know it yet.

I've also been invited to go to Spain, Ireland and north Africa by Lauren and Zoe. Lauren and I have become quite close and she's always talking about how I need to go home with her. It's so cheap to travel around here as well. At least a lot cheaper than if I was flying all the way from America. So I do believe in the next couple of weeks I'll be writing about how nice the weather is in Spain. I've also told all of the girls that they're more than welcome to come back to America with me. I told them it wouldn't be anywhere near as fun as here, but they still want to visit. Lauren is excited about going to North Carolina where I promised her she could find a real cowboy. Of course her chances of finding one are a lot greater if we went to Texas, so Carlene said she could visit her home in Texas if things don't work out in North Carolina.

Everything just keeps flying by me at record high speed. I keep looking around but there isn't anything for me to grab a hold of just so I can breathe for a moment, and wrap my brain around everything that is going on. I still half expect to wake up one morning and find myself back in Virginia with everyone wondering why I'm so late for work and thinking that that was the wildest dream I've ever had. But every morning (or afternoon, depending on my night beforehand), I wake up and I'm still here.

Posted by Sam at 11:01 AM | Permalink

The weekends are pretty much dead on campus. A lot people tend to go back for a couple of days, get a nice Sunday dinner in their bellies and reaquaint themselves with their bedrooms.

Lucky bastards.

I've been forcing myself to stay at university for the past couple of weekends instead of darting off into central London for three days. While it is always nice staying with Ash and forgetting that I am a college student, I needed to be properly bored in my room, have some alone time and maybe even try to buckle down and get some decent writing accomplished.

I learned that it's a lot harder than one might think.

My weekend routine generally starts around half ten when I wake up, turn on Bridget, go in the kitchen to make some toast and tea, and then come back in my room and rate all of my new albums in iTunes. Sometime around noon I'll decide to take a shower, get ready and then see who's out in the kitchen so I can have somebody to talk to. If nobody's out there, then I think about what chores I have to do all the time and never go away (i.e. washing dishes, tidying my room, laundry, grocery shopping) and hope that somebody comes out of their room so that we can sit down and have a conversation about anything.

The afternoons are generally a lot nicer since everybody is finally awake and we all hang out in the kitchen together. This past weekend was particularly nice since we all went into Putney to do some costume shopping for a party that is going on later this evening (I'm going as Tinkerbell; I know, adorable) and Sunday was a nice chill out day, and when everybody came back to university from their weekend away. Fiona was so cute when she said that our little family was back together; Santos came back home, so did Alex, Carlene and Helen. It does feel better once all of us are back under the same roof.

It's strange how much of an extended family we have here at university though. We've all bonded so closely, so quickly. There have already been some minor quarrels amongst us all, but things eventually get sorted and we all move on. We have so many other adopted members from different floors in our house or different houses all together. Beth and Lauren don't even live with us but they're over at our place all the time. Santos and Trish live on the second floor, and Alex lives on the ground floor but they wander up in our kitchen all the time just to see how things are going. It's the weirdest living situation I've ever been in but strangely comforting.

Last night as we waited for everyone to make it through the congested motorways, we all sat in the kitchen, listened to music, made tons of food mostly containing nutella, the world's greatest invention ever, straightened each other's hair, flipped through magazines, tried on our Halloween costumes, danced, drank tea, smoked fags and talked, talked, talked, talked non-stop. It was a proper, impromptu jammy party. If every weekend was like that, maybe I wouldn't hate the weekends so much.

Unfortunately we can't always sit around in our jammies and talk about which celebrity we think is fit or why so-and-so wore that dress to a particular award ceremony. Sometimes we have to sleep, or in my case, do some writing which still has yet to occur. It'll come soon though. I can feel it out over in the horizon. Until then I'll just keep listening to my music and braiding my flatmate's hair.

Posted by Sam at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It's the same thing every night. The girls and I all decide who's going out and then set a time when we plan on going out.

Lauren: "We should really try and go out around nine o'clock. We're always leaving at half nine or ten and can only stay at the bar for an hour before it closes. Then we come back here and we're wide awake because we've only been out for an hour."

Group: "True. Shall we shoot for half eight then?"

We all agree for half eight and continue to eat our dinner, read the magazines that are sprawled out all over our kitchen and talk about what we're going to wear if it's a themed night.

Since we're all girls, half nine will roll around and only half of us will be ready to go out. We keep our doors latched so that they don't automatically shut and lock making it easier for all of us to wander in and out of each other's room, borrowing make-up, changing shirts, using curling irons, asking opinions on what shoes go better with what outfit and borrowing accessories.

It is in some ways, my favorite part of the night before we even step foot outside.

While I've been picking up on the lingo, I've also been adopting some of the fashion trends. I now own one pair of black leggings with the feet cut out and have grown very fond of the three pair of flat shoes that I can wear with almost everything. Leah wasn't lying either when she said that everybody had big, trendy belts. They're everywhere. I've yet to find a trendy belt that is small enough for me though. All of the ones I've seen so far are way too big for my teeny waist. I look off balance somehow. I've got a London Dress that I bought from my new favorite store, Jane Norman and plan on to start tying scarves in my hair and deciding on which hoop earrings are trendy or chavy. It's awesome, really.

After everybody is satisfied with how they look, we all squeeze into the elevator and make the small walk down to our local student bar, the Belfry. Anybody who's anybody will be found at the Belfry. We show the security guards our student I.D and head straight for the bar without looking around for one second to see if we know anybody. We all look cute, trendy and very important considering we arrived extra fashionably late. Once we've got our drink(s) in hand, we form a small semi-circle, light our fags and then look around to see if we notice somebody. That is if they don't come up to us first.

Lauren and I usually head over to the jukebox first to pick some music and then meet up with the rest of the group when they've claimed a table. I try to pick different songs, but it's so hard not to choose Razorlights' In The Morning, The Kooks She Moves In Her Own Way, or Jamie T's Sheila. Those are already the songs I associate with the bar whenever I hear them and they're fabulous to dance to.

By this time Carlene has already got a pool table to get a game going, some people are on their second or third drink and I'm feeling happy just to be away from my room. The room that has filled up substantially ever since I first arrived. It's a little cozier now that I have everything that I really need from home and a couple of posters on my wall from a poster sale we had a few days ago. It's not looking as bare or feeling as empty, but I'm still getting used to being in there completely alone. I'm still getting used to it being my space, being my area where I'm meant to write. For so long it was always my desk at work or my room at home. Now I have a new space and it's still a little weird for me to think of it as mine.

The guys play Carlene at pool while Lauren scopes the place for all of the guys she fancies. She also scopes the place for their girlfriends to see if they've tagged along with the guys she would like to be on the arm of. Fiona and Zoe dance in the same place and make small conversations with people that they know from their classes. Santos is always mingling with everybody in the bar because he knows everybody. Helen is usually sitting with Beth or Alex talking and I'm standing, smoking, drinking, waiting for the songs I picked to play on the jukebox.

Normally if the people from ground floor Bede are in the bar we'll hang out with them as well. There's always some kind of drama happening between our two houses though. Some of them don't like us, some of them do, some of them could care less either way. We all gel though and because we're always staying at each other's houses, we've combined the names of Bede and Lee into one house known as Bleede.

The girls are catty and very dramatic over every little thing. Bede girls don't like the Lee girls because most of us have hooked up with Bede boys and they're very protective over their boys. Lee girls don't like Bede girls because we believe that they're all two-faced instigators who feed off of drama. They smile at us when we first see them in the bar but then occasionally we'll catch them glaring over at us as the night goes on. Rumors are easily started, words are twisted and before you know it there's a big To Do over absolutely nothing. It's really fun to watch unfold.

If I haven't had too many drinks, I usually stay on my best behavior. I'm perfectly happy and content to stand on the sidelines and sway to the music in my own little world. What drama? Why does there need to be drama? Can't we all just get along? I just want to dance.

So I do. The songs that Lauren and I picked from the jukebox will finally start playing and by this time I'm pissed just enough to dance around the pool tables while I'm surrounded by everybody else who is caught up in whatever new drama is going on for the night.

And that is that.

Posted by Sam at 12:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It'll happen when you're out by yourself. You'll be walking around with your iPod blasting music into your ears, sitting on the tube while watching the blurry scenery or while you're sitting outside alone smoking a fag in your jammies late at night. You'll pause, look around and it'll feel like somebody has taken their fingertips and brushed them lightly up against your back.

You live in London.

You would think that the words would start to lose their luster after some time and that it would become the norm, but they still make your insides tingle and you smile a little smile to yourself.

It's fast, quiet little moments like that that still catch me off guard.

I haven't had that many days when I've been completely alone. It didn't take me long to learn that there's always something to do on any day of the week. The rest of the students seem to be like me in that they don't like being alone for long periods of time, whether because of sheer boredom or in my case, the fear of too many thoughts filling my brain up too fast and eventually causing my head to explode.

I've found a group of people who allow me to hang out with them and find me amusing when I'm both drunk and sober. We all have bonded rather quickly (it's amazing what kind of ice breaker alcohol can be) and have molded into one of the more dysfunctional families on campus. I like it and it's comforting to know that I have people I live with who I can talk to if ever I need a distraction from every day life.

But the city. It is the city that knows me inside and out. I've wrapped my arms and legs around all of London and I'm clinging on so tightly that I'm afraid I might lose my breath, begin to slip and slide all the way to the bottom. I'm beginning to learn my way around and feel a lot more comfortable going out and seeing what else is out there that I have yet to discover. There's always somebody new to see, new to talk to, new to learn about. I never get tired of walking and craning my head around to stare at every minute detail. At the same time though, I can just as easily walk straight forward and keep my eyes in front of me and not to talk to one soul, which is apparently the "London Way", and I do like to fit in with the locals.

I'm picking up the lingo, but not the accent. I'm sure everybody finds it amusing to hear me say some things in my funky (currently croaky because of my annoying cold) southern American accent. I regularly tell bus drivers "cheers" when they print off my ticket as I board the bus and shout "oy!" if somebody annoys me or I'm trying to get someone's attention. I know what a "chav" is and learned that most of them live in "council estates". You don't ever want to be around a "happy slapper", boys go for a "slash" when drinking too much and that the "gaff" I live in is quite posh.

In return, I've been sharing my own Americanisms with the locals around here. The girls have really nice taste in "pocketbooks", when we go out drinking they must "chug it like a frat boy" and that the bathrooms (also known as "bogs", "toilets" and "loos") are usually "hot as a bear". And of course I've been trying to get them all to start saying "y'all" because it is the best word in the entire world.

I've also learned though that while I am surrounded by millions of people there are times when I need to be alone even if I don't want to. It's way too easy to pick up the phone and call somebody just because. There's no reason to phone them other than to say, "hey, I'm bored. You want to come around and hang out?" There are times when I'll hear voices in the kitchen and must force myself to stay in my room and not engage in any kind of human contact whatsoever. Everybody has to sleep sometime. So when I find myself still awake at two o'clock in the morning listening to my music, instead of ringing someone up to keep myself going and to keep the moment going, I know that I need to turn off all the lights and let the city tuck me in, kiss me on the forehead and wish me sweet dreams. I'll still be here tomorrow, but at the moment all that is required of me is to shut my eyes and fall asleep on London's shoulder.

Posted by Sam at 11:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

You see it all the time when you're watching a movie. Whether it's a good movie or not is beside the point, but you're watching anyway and the main character just pisses you off. Everything they do is the complete opposite of what they should be doing. Or what they should be doing according to you and probably the majority of society. And you're screaming at the television screen, pulling at your hair and shouting, "why? What the fuck are you doing? Are you out of your goddamned mind!?" Sure, the main character can't hear you through the screen, but you feel loads better now that you've gotten the screaming out of your system.

I would be the main character that you'd be screaming at. I would be the one that you're frustrated with and want to have a good talking to because, dammit, can't I see how everything is so simple and all of these small worries that I have rushing through my mind at impressive speed is nothing but common sense? Life is only complicated if you make it that way.

And I suppose I have, in a way.

The money problems aren't one of my biggest worries, but it's steadily climbing its way up my list. Before I left home, the plan was that I would already have a part time job by now. I'd have a bank account and be working on the UK economy. I would not be using my savings back in America, which is what I've been doing ever since I landed because, well, sometimes shit happens and life doesn't go according to plan.

Family life isn't too pleasant these days either. Mel and I get along just like usual, but Momma has decided to fall off the deep end and disown me for some of the dumbest reasons I've ever heard of. She wasn't too pleased that I started talking to Ash again, nor was she happy about me not having a job and spending my US savings, but aside from those two things it seems like all she has been doing is making up stupid things to be pissed off at me and at the moment I really could care less to be dealing with all of her drama. I'm an ocean away now. I can't just be sent to my room without dinner or dessert and then be punished for a week. Things don't work like that anymore and I think she's having a lot more problems with losing control over me than she's willing to admit.

I've been ill for the past week or so, beating off the flu and trying to get healthy. It doesn't help that I've also been going out drinking for the past week or so because I've been trying to distract myself from all of the family problems that I don't feel like dealing with at the moment. I told myself that the alcohol would kill off all of the germs and bacteria that's crawling inside of me, but that doesn't appear to be working. Instead I've just gotten worse and now I've almost lost my voice. Tonight I'm staying in while the girls go to the bar for a talent show that's being put on and I'm drinking hot tea and catching up on homework that I've been neglecting. After I catch up on emails and blogs though because, fucking hell it's been forever since I've had some proper quiet, alone time.

There has been quite a lot of drama spreading all over campus as well. Oh, you know all of the stories. One girl hooked up with this one guy, blah, blah, blah...then there are the "more serious" ones where people were actually interested in each other, words were said, feelings got hurt and now each persons are stood at opposite ends of a room surrounded by friends who are constantly jabbering in their ears filling their heads up with even more bullshit.

I don't know why I'm so interested in it all, but I am. Perhaps it's because I've been around nothing but adults who live in upper-middle class neighborhoods for the past two and half years. I've forgotten how young people act these days, young English people as well. It's all so fascinating and every night there's a new story that needs to be told in the morning.

But now, right now, I'm taking a time out, I'm letting the world slow down, I'm giving myself a break. I've been on constant go for the past two weeks without a rest that my body is physically shutting down on me and sending a very clear message that I need to go easy on myself for a while if only so I can gain some more energy to head back out there and gather more information. That's what I feel like, the little American spy who stores all of the top secret information up in my brain and jots all of the notes down so that I can report back all of the dirty little secrets later on my blog. And there are quite a bit. Deciding what's actually interesting and what only interests me is the hard part.

I need for things to slow down somewhat though, if only for my own mental and physical health. I haven't got any time to write anything, to think about anything or try and keep my small room tidy. It's hard to find time to do my laundry and whenever I think that I have a second somebody is knocking on my door asking if I want to go to Such-And-Such place in Putney or Hammersmith, and I'm going to always say yes because I don't want to miss out on the social life in college and because it's fucking London. I want to see everything. I want to experience everything. I want to know everything. I want to live it all.

And so if it seems like I've fallen off the Internet Earth, disappeared from the Blogosphere, have no fear. I'm still out there, sorting it out, working through it and keeping a very good mini journal to refresh my memory when I'm ready to post it all on My Mumbling Thoughts.

Posted by Sam at 09:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Now when I look back on it, all of the signs were there. I can't believe I was so stupid to have missed them. The way they would get quiet as soon as I would walk into the kitchen. Their eyes would dart over to me quickly and everyone would remain quiet until I left. When Carlene stepped outside in the hallway to talk to me and sent Cat in my room to talk to Ash. When Ash told me that he had agreed to doing something on Saturday and was vague about all of the details. The way they sent Cat and me over to the bar an hour early because, hell, I'm already dressed up with no place to go and Cat needs a beer to make her feel better. The way that Carlene told me to be dressed and ready to go at 8pm sharp and no later, which is strange, because the girls are never ready until at least half nine. When Zoe told me that she was stressed out because something was wrong with Carlene's leg and she was lying on the kitchen floor in absolute agony.

I should have known that something was up. I should have felt like something was off. Maybe it was because I was a little tipsy or because I just can't tell who's lying with all of the different accents, but it wasn't until I walked up to the kitchen door, saw that the lights were turned off and saw a bit of light reflected off of little beady eyes that it finally clicked in my brain, I finally realized what was going on.

The sneaky little bitches had thrown me a surprise birthday party.

All of the girls were there, Ash, Chris and Aloke were there, people that I didn't know were there but who I vaguely remember having a drunken conversation with. I got a card and shirt with a picture of the girls and me from the first we all went out together in Hammersmith. I took a shot of...something...two seconds after I walked into the door, got a glass of wine to hold and nurse for most of the evening, mingled for a bit, blew out birthday candles, ate really good cake, drank some more, quickly made a steak dinner with potatoes and had a semi-debate about Americans, racism and why all Americans don't believe that we're superior to the rest of the world. We just have a lot of confidence. We walked down to the other college (I was in a skirt and seriously uncomfortable boots), I managed to get inside despite not having my stupid student ID on me. We danced, we drank, we smoked, we got shot with water guns and then Trish and I decided to walk back to the flat, drink the rest of my wine, eat the rest of my birthday cake, raid the kitchen fridge and have in depth, long, drunken American conversations, because goddammit, we hadn't had one of those conversations the entire time we were in England, we were homesick, and we needed to have one of those conversations.

It was an awesome 21st birthday. Americans everywhere should be proud that I celebrated in true American fashion by keeping with the tradition and getting absolutely wasted.

Posted by Sam at 11:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Write about something you observed or experienced as a child...

As little girls we would always play dress up and pretend to be other people. Life was always far more exciting in the small town of Minot, North Dakota when you were a princess or famous singer. And although we had the clothes and would style our hair, the most fun for my sister and I would be slathering on all of our mother's make-up on our faces and believing that it made us look like grown-ups. Nothing showed just how old we were were than piling on loads of eyeshadow and darkening our cheeks with blush and/or lipstick.

My sister, Mel, who is two years younger than me but a foot taller, would close the lid of the toilet and sit with her legs crossed as I grabbed the small bathroom stool and climbed on top. We had no concept of the "rules" that one should follow when applying make-up, only our instincts and what we thought to be "glamorous."

I would push Mel's bangs back that covered her forehead with my left hand and begin with what has always been the most fun for me: the eyelids. I'd pull out the only eyeshadow that contained any amount of glitter (my mom wasn't the girliest of women) and would generously apply it from the very edge of Mel's eyelashes all the way up to her eyebrows.

"Yes, that's perfect," I would say to her as I stood back and looked over my work of art as if she were a living easel, and then again I would push her bangs back and attack the other eye.

Time would go by, one hour would turn into two and we would both still be in the same place with Mel's face caked in who knows what. Obviously, we thought it all to be absolutely necessary and that even with lip gloss in her eyebrows or lipstick on her cheeks that she was the spitting image of all those famous models that were splashed across the television and magazines.

After quite a bit of time would go by, our mom would wonder what we were doing, why we were so quiet and what kind of trouble we must be getting in to. We would hear her calling for us as she was coming up the stairs and quickly tried to hide all evidence that we were playing in her things, her expensive make-up that she had told us to leave alone time and time again. It was all in vein though as she would fling open the bathroom door and caught us both red handed, frozen like two baby deer in the bright headlights with looks on our faces that tried to convey both innocence and like nothing was wrong at all. We weren't doing anything that we weren't supposed to. We always hung out in the bathroom for no apparent reason and would come out walking with clown faces. It was completely normal.

Of course there wasn't any need for an explanation, for it was quite literally all over our faces.

Our mom couldn't help but laugh at us. I mean, who can yell at two little kids that resemble pancakes with melted strawberries all over them? You can't. It's impossible. Instead she grabbed her camera and took a picture of us both with cheesy smiles that were so big our eyes were scrunched shut.

**

This would be draft one of many...the assignment is due next week and I'm not sure how long or short it's supposed to be, but I'm going to leave it for a bit, come back and see if I want to make any changes. Look at me being all student-y and stuff.

Posted by Sam at 07:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I've got it all. I have my dictionary, my pens and paper, my water bottles and laptop. I'm ready. I'm prepared. It's all good to go.

And now, how fucking ironic is it that the moment I finally get a chance to write, the doors and windows are flung open for me, people are begging me to write, write, write, they want me to, they expect me to and yet...I'm stuck.

I knew something like this would happen.

Sometimes, when I really sit down and think about it (which is quite often, actually), I do seriously believe that I was created backwards. Everything I do, everything I say and think is usually the exact opposite of how the majority of other people would do things.

Take for instance this entire journey I've been on to try and get to where I am now. In the beginning, a lot of people didn't think I would do it, that I could do it. I suppose for some that would have been the end for them.

"Oh, so-and-so says I can't do it and they're probably right. It's a crazy idea to try and go all the way over to London to live and get an education. Stupid idea."

Whereas for me, I took it as a challenge.

"Huh, you don't think I can do it? Watch me prove you wrong!"

The strange part is that towards the end once things really started happening and people were supporting me and cheering me on, I kind of lost motivation in myself. I became extremely self-conscious about it all now with everyone backing me and the pressure was so overwhelming I couldn't stand it. When I was fighting to prove people wrong though, it was a great power that I felt showing everybody how I could do it.

Now I'm here and the majority of the hard stuff is over and done with. I've proven my point, I made it and now I'm doing everything that I've been talking about for the past however long.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. Well, go to my classes obviously, but then what? Write? I'm supposed to be writing. And I'm happy to do it, really, I am. I'm just a lot more aware of the fact that I'm not just writing for myself anymore. I'm not sitting in my cube, wasting time at work while being distracted by random jobs that are handed to me throughout the day. I'm writing for a grade, for a diploma, for my life.

For the first two weeks, I stayed busy trying to get the necessary mundane chores out of the way; I was fighting with FedEx for my boxes, registering all of my classes and learning my way around. It kept my head up in the clouds and there wasn't much thinking. All I really cared about was making sure that I got it finished and checked it off my list otherwise my boxes would have been sent back home or I would forever have to use the annoying payphone on our campus that steals my coins. Once I ticked it off my list, then I could rest a little easier at night knowing that that was one last thing for me to worry about.

However, my To Do List is still very much with me, but it has shrank in size, which frees up a lot more time for me. My classes have started and it's time for me to really buckle down and get to business. It's time for me to write.

I just haven't got the slightest clue how to structure it all, or more importantly, what to write about? Can't somebody just tell me what to write about? Give me something. Anything. I've had some ideas, but after a couple of hours I think that they're complete shit and chuck them into the trashcan.

I know I'm probably just over thinking things and I should just let it all come to me naturally like I did before, but the truth is I'm really worried that I'm doing something wrong. Something must be wrong or will go wrong because it has all been too perfect ever since I arrived. Things are starting to feel normal, I feel comfortable, I feel natural like I've been doing this all my life. And yet, the tiny uneasy feeling that is deep inside way down in my toes, is slowly gaining momentum and is paralyzing me from the feet upwards.

Hello, my name is Sam, and I cry, whine and complain whenever things go my way. It's lovely to meet you.

Posted by Sam at 07:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I've only lived with women since I was four-years-old. Of course it was Momma and Mel so I don't think that it counts that much since, you know, we're family and all. There was a brief time when I lived with my cousin, David and Uncle Ronnie, but it was only for a couple of months so I don't really think that that counts either.

Here at university, I live with seven other girls. Women. Young women. Ladies. Chicks. Whatever. We all have our own rooms and bathrooms, leaving only the kitchen and small dining area that we all have to share. Quite frankly, we live in the best house and everybody knows it. They all think that everybody in Lee House are posh snobs and I don't care if they do. While the rest of them take showers in co-ed bathrooms and have to padlock their cupboards in the kitchen, we can rest easy knowing that for the most part, our things are safely tucked away and we don't have to fear that everybody is going through our things. I like it.

However, even though I do live in the best house and I'm happy with my little bit of space that I can call my own, I'm still adjusting with living with seven girls. SEVEN. That's a lot of hormones floating around.

Zoe is the Irish one. She's sweet and bless her heart, but there are just some times when I think I won't ever understand what she's saying. I do believe that she would be considered one of the middle sisters in our little family.

Fiona is the other sweet middle sister. She's also one of the smokers.

Helen is the one that I get along with the most. We listen to the same kind of music, enjoy the same kind of movies and generally get along really well. Out of all the girls, I could see myself being best friends with her.

Alba is the mysterious Spanish girl that I've still yet to meet. I think I might have seen her, but it could have just been a random person. I think that I should probably start a pool to see how much longer we can go without properly meeting.

Carlene would be the "mother hen" out of us all. She's also a fellow American, being that she was born over there, but has lived here in England for the majority of her life. She also has family in Texas and it's nice to talk to somebody about shopping at Target and sharing the same food cravings for Chipotle. She's the other smoker of the house and we get along quite well.

Cat is the crazy one and the baby out of our little family. She can be annoying a lot and loves her drinks, but she's still part of our house and we all look out for her when we're out.

Guila is our floor rep who I thought was "Flora" when we first met. You would think that she would be our mother hen, but she mostly keeps to herself and likes to hang out with her friends who all live off campus.

And lastly, there's me, who everybody refers to as "our American" or "Krispy Cream". Everytime we go out to a bar or club and the girls are introducing me to whoever, they always say, "have you met our American? She lives in our house and comes from Virginia" which then leads onto other conversations about how I'm enjoying my stay in England, what I'm studying, why I chose to move over here, blah, blah, blah....they also call me Krispy Cream because I told them that that was my first food craving from home. I didn't want any of the doughnuts that they sell at grocery stores, but fresh, hot ones straight off of the conveyor belt. Up on our big message board, they nicknamed me Krispy Cream and I didn't have the heart to tell them that it was misspelled.

That would be the lot of us. For the most part, we all get along really well, but I can already begin to see some minor frustrations, mostly with Cat. Being the baby, she complains when she doesn't get her way, she's the messiest out of us all and can be a tad obnoxious when drunk. I already mentioned to Helen that it's like being on the Real World or something and how I'm waiting for a cameraman to jump out from around the corner. Will there be a lot of drama or are we all pretty chill for the most part? We all go out as a group, we meet people as a group, we dance as a group, we shop as a group. It's different and strange for me to get used to, but I like it at the same time. We're all very comfortable hanging out together in our jammies watching dvds or sitting around the table chatting while cooking dinner.

Of course we also do things on our own. Helen, in particular, likes to go out by herself a lot just to walk, think and clear her mind. I'm usually gone on the weekends in central London, and Alba has all of her Spanish friends that she prefers hanging out with.

But when we're together, when we go out, when we're all dressed up and dancing up a storm, I feel as though there should be cameras around. We are the girls of Lee House and have already cemented together as one of the oddest families I've ever been apart of.

Posted by Sam at 12:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm a writer, it's what I do. I can't yet say that it has taken over my life completely, but if I want to be halfway decent, then I'm hoping it happens soon. At least, according to my lecturer that's what I have to do.

Today was my very first college class and I have to say, it was quite liberating. I didn't feel anything special or see any kind of fireworks, but I did feel like this is where I'm supposed to be and saw a lot more fellow writers who are just young tadpoles like myself. We are marching together getting our writing groove on and by the end of this year hope to be at least a tiny bit better than we were when we first signed up.

Three hours I sat in a stuffy classroom and listened to a poet/painter/writer/chain smoker talk to a small group of young adults about what it is to be a writer. He gave us tips, some of which I already do, talked about what's expected from us in the class and made me think that even though he does come off at first like a drugged out mad man, that he's brilliant with his words and I'm going to learn a lot.

For the first hour, he said he would be doing some general lecturing and rambling, the second hour would be a writing exercise that he gives us and the final hour would be where we get into our "editing groups" and critique our peers. He wanted us to be truthful but not absolutely ruthless. We needed to quickly develop thick skins because it is a cruel world and if we can't accept when others say that our words are shit then we'll have a much harder time being a writer. It's inevitable that we're going to write absolute crap, we all think that, but we have to work our way around the "inner judge" who jabbers on and on about how horrible we are. And most importantly, writing is an art, it's a craft. Don't write nonsense bullshit just because you can, but do your best to represent everything you write to the best of your ability.

It was a hell of a lot more fun going to my Life Writing class instead of sitting in traffic and going to work where I would end up writing anyway. At least this time I'm surrounded by people who want to do the same thing as me, which is create good writing and send it out ino the world.

My first order of business is to write every single day. He told us that we have to write a little bit every day until we die. We can't be sick of writing or simply don't want to do it anymore. We must eat, breathe and live it every day. It's more important than our boyfriends/girlfriends, more important than our cats/dogs/gerbils, more important than going out and hanging with our friends, more important than our mental health. Sure, it sounds a little melodramatic, but to some degree, he's right.

So I'll be writing every day. I'm not sure if I'll be posting it all the time, but hopefully I'll be a lot more consistent then the past few days. The second thing I must do is start reading. A lot. I have to get into reading books. Sure, I read magazines and all of my regular blogs, but in order to write in the future, I need to know what's already happened in the past. Besides, you always hear about how the great writers of the world are big fans of reading. Sean (my lecturer; he hates being called by his last name) said that we should always be reading for two reasons: first is because how can you write books if you don't read them? And the second is so you can nick writing styles from others. He did make it clear that he wasn't proposing plagiarism, but simply how some people write certain things and if you can add your own different twist to it.

It is my longest class and luckily he smokes as well so I get two ten minute smoke breaks. I saw him when I went outside for my second break. He likes to walk around, check his cell phone every ten seconds and seems like he's clearing his mind of things. Or, I could be completely wrong and he's just trying to remember lyrics to a certain song that he can't get out of his head. Whatever the reason, part of me just wanted to run up to him and ask if we could talk about writing for the rest of the afternoon while we drank many cups of tea. I wanted to tell him that I was really excited about the class and how this is what I've been searching for ever since I discovered that Corporate America was not my bag of marbles.

But I didn't. I just stood in the same place, finished smoking my fag, walked upstairs and sat back in my chair until he returned. I never really was one for randomly bombarding people and being over enthusiastic.

Tomorrow is my second class for the week. Writing Contexts: Thinking like a writer. It sounds interesting and if it's anything like today's class, then I plan on spending many nights holed up somewhere, anywhere quiet and writing for hours until my eyes are completely red and swollen to the point where I can't even see what I'm writing and reach a new alternate state of consciousness. I don't see why everybody doesn't want to be a writer.

Posted by Sam at 04:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I never thought I'd be living in such a small space to where I'd have to actually prop my leg upon the sink in order to shave. Life does hand you new challenges every day and I suppose that was one of mine.

It has almost been a full week now that I've been here, and I have to say that I'm getting on a little better than the first few days. Man, the first two nights were hell and there was a moment when I wished that I wasn't even here. I cried. Twice. And then I got my first email from Momma and I cried again, really hard. I knew that being away from home was going to be hard, but I never really did realize that it was going to be so hard. I was completely out of my element and completely unknown, but it was a brand new start, and a new clean slate for me to start again.

Of course when you're crying in your room wishing that you never left just so you could watch the third season of Grey's Anatomy, you don't really see it that way. All you want is a hamburger from Five Guys, a milkshake and all of the familiar things surrounding you again.

I needed to get out.

When I think of London, the London that I know, the first thing I see is Earl's Court tube station, Nando's, Hyde Park, the London Eye and the Blackbird. I think of standing outside on Ash's balcony looking out over all of the houses, walking the streets leading up to his flat, and everything inside his flat. That's what I know and understand. That's what is familiar to me, it's what I recognize and associate London with. It's where I thought I was going to be.

It wasn't until I actually got here, though, I learned that London is massively huge and is broken down into six different zones. Central London, the one I fell in love with in the very beginning, is Zone 1, naturally. My university is in Zone 3, which is approximately a forty minute trip by bus and the tube. Really, it's not so bad, but I was still a little sad that I wasn't going to be in the very center near everything that I already know.

So since I was stressing out, feeling lost and confused, I emailed Ash and asked if he wanted to meet up sometime to get a drink and hang out. Afterall, he had sent me an email before I left Virginia letting me know that I could give him a shout after I made it in, if I ever needed anything or just wanted to see a familiar face.

I needed a familiar face. I needed to see somebody that I knew, who knew me and who I could just hang out with for a while. Everybody around me had a British accent and they kept on talking about London, but I didn't feel like I was in London and I didn't think I would until I went back. Until then, I just felt like I was in some kind of Pretend London and everything around me was fake.

Sunday afternoon, just as the rest of the British students were moving into halls, I gathered my things and weaved my through the traffic lights, train station, more traffic lights and tube station until I finally made it to Earl's Court, which is where we decided to meet. I paused when I stepped out onto the platform and looked around.

Ah, yes. It felt like coming back home.

You would think I would be a little more nervous about seeing him again. I mean, it has been a while and during all of those months a lot shit has happened. But I wasn't nervous. I wasn't scared or anxious or worried or anything. It may sound lame, but I was really happy, for lack of a better word. I was so, so happy.

We hugged, I talked about how relieved I was that I actually found my way and the first place we had to stop at was Nando's, because I was starving and hadn't eaten a proper meal since the International Dinner on Friday.

It was a strange feeling, because as we were walking down the streets that I have been thinking about ever since that day we left, I felt a part of myself being reunited with the other half that I had left behind almost two years ago. It was as if I had never left and that this is how it should have always been. I should have never left. I should have stayed here, with him, walking these streets, hearing these sounds, smelling these smells and doing all of these things together.

But I didn't and now things had changed. We had changed. The city, however, had remained the same, despite the bit of construction that they were doing.

We had one of the best afternoons. It was one of those times when you roam around and talk for centuries, catching up on things and talking about new things. I rambled a lot about university and how it already sucked and he reminded me that that's how I always start off, just like whenever I would start a new job back home. We stopped by Paul, walked for ages in Hyde Park, and eventually day turned into night when we found ourselves sitting on this very uncomfortable step until an old lady basically told us to piss off.

I didn't want to leave. Sure I was exhausted, my feet hurt and the jet lag was still taking it's toll on me, but mostly I didn't want to leave central London again. I couldn't go back to Zone 3. I didn't want to. They didn't know me at the university. My room might have been holding my things, but it wasn't home. It was just a temporary living facility. So I whined and complained until Ash offered for me to stay at his place for the night. I'm sure he knew exactly what I was doing, but I didn't want to be outright and crash without being invited first.

As we started walking towards his flat, it was the first time I had to catch my breath and take a minute to let my brain catch up with the rest of my body. I had to literally pause and stop walking for a moment because, Oh My God, I am in London.

It was the only time during the whole afternoon I almost started crying, which would have been a little embarrassing and a tad over dramatic, but still...I needed a moment to take it all in.

When I went inside I kind of spun around taking everything in and thinking, "yep, that's the same. Nope, that's changed. Was that there last time? I don't remember that." I met his flatmate, Mario, and saw Chris again which was a pleasant meeting. It was quite possibly one of the best surprise faces I've ever seen, and after a while I met his brother as well.

It was all very chill and relaxed. We watched TV and as the evening went on, I kept on getting lower and lower on the couch until finally my eyes closed and it was the next morning when I awoke.

I did come back to university, despite not wanting to ever leave until I died. I met the rest of my flatmates, went out to one of the fresher social events and have been spending most of my time running all over the campus trying to wrap up some last minute registering things. I hate all of this boring, required bullshit before you can actually begin your classes, but it still needs to be finished. I'm still meeting people but haven't made any really good friends. I'm not worried about it either. There's no need to force friendships. I feel like the old American as well, seeing as everybody I've met has either been eighteen or nineteen. I've been fighting with FedEx so that they can finally get my boxes through customs and I can finish setting up my room and start eating out of real bowls and using proper spoons instead of trying to figure out where I want to eat out next. I've braved the buses and for the most part am learning which is the right direction I should be headed in. I've done a load of laundry, ironed and have turned into one of those tea drinkers who has a cup with them at all times.

It's taking some time, but I'm getting used to it. At least now I believe that I'm actually in London and know that if I ever want to, I can always go back home. And now it's only a forty minute journey instead of an entire plane ride.

Posted by Sam at 05:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Today is my day of rest. Sure it's only Saturday, but I've decided that I needed to take a little time off from the whole crazy schedule that I've been following for the past forty-eight hours. I needed some time to breathe, to let all of this sink in, because believe it or not, I don't really believe that all of this is actually happening.

My arrival was excruciating. After I got out of the long line at customs, I had to locate my luggage which wasn't that hard. The hard part was actually lifting the damn things onto my trolley and then pushing the heavy bastards all the way to terminal 2. You would think that a hike from terminal 3 to terminal 2 wouldn't be that hard. You would be mistaken. The airport is a mammoth and pushing four extremely heavy luggages UP A RAMP is no fun at all. None.

Needless to say once I finally did make it to terminal 2, I was sweating like a hog and in desperate need of water. I decided to try and cool off outside and after about twenty minutes of sitting on a bench with all of my crap piled next to my left, I smoked a cigarette and slowly made my way back inside in search of the information desk where we would all eventually be picked up.

I wandered off to the smoking lounge since Gail (the Roehampton meet and greet lady) told me that it would be a couple of hours until the next bus arrived, but I could leave all of my luggages with her. That's when I met Trish, the girl I had seen at Dulles airport before I boarded the plane. We got to talking and I quickly learned her entire life's history within two minutes. I also learned that she's a chain smoker.

After we finally made it to the university, we were all corraled to the main house so we could get our keys. Trish and I looked around for our dorms without our luggages the first time so we wouldn't have to drag them everywhere with us and eventually found our rooms.

I am located on the very top floor. It's small, but big enough. At least the bedroom part is. The bathroom could be a little more spacious. The bathroom floor also is this weird rubber material that I don't understand. Apparently it's so you don't slip and fall when you step out of the shower, which makes sense, but I didn't see a drain, so all of the water that does spill over onto the floor while you're showering sits for a good couple of hours and slowly dries up. I think it's really gross so every time I go into my bathroom, I wear my white flip flops.

I do have a window, but it opens funny and makes it a hell of a lot harder to smoke in my room. I guess that's why they made the rooms like that. If I didn't have a smoke alarm in here, I'd risk lighting up, but since I'm a chicken shit, I take the elevator (sorry, lift) all the way downstairs and smoke on the steps. My desk and closet space is decent though. I do like it. Well, the closet itself is small and can't even hold one third of my wardrobe, but there are a lot of shelves. I guess I'll have to get used to folding clothes up instead of hanging it all.

After I got my luggages upstairs, I began my cleaning ritual, beginning with the bathroom. Oh, it was nasty. I saw our cleaning lady down the hall and asked to borrow some of her supplies. She didn't let me. I think she was offended that I was cleaning up behind her, but I can't help the fact that I have a certain standard of clean that she didn't fulfill. If anything, she should have been happy that I wasn't making her do it over.

It took me about three hours, but it felt good to get everything properly cleaned and set up. My small space was starting to resemble my room in Virginia, which made me feel a little closer to home. I took a long, hot shower and got ready for the pizza night that we were having that evening. I really just wanted to clock out and sleep for a couple of hours, but I really needed to eat something other than mini Snickers bars.

Continue reading ""If everything's the same when I wake up tomorrow"" »

Posted by Sam at 02:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Ahhh...I have arrived. I am sitting as I type this, in my new, small, uncomfortable computer chair that is inside of my dorm room. I had a minor panic attack when the internet wasn't working for me earlier, but all appears to be well at the moment so I'm using the opportunity to update, email and check on a few things for myself.

I'm dead beat tired. I only slept for three hours on the plane in one of the most awkward positions ever. I should have taken a picture because it looked like something only a performer in the circus could accomplish. I'm sure the man sitting next to me was impressed and I should have asked him for ten pounds for my extraordinary performance.

There is, obviously, a lot of things to update on. Things like the girl I met at the airport who just so happens to also be living in the exact same halls as me and taking the exact same course as me. It was nice to have an immediate buddy to talk to so I wasn't completely alone. I must also mention the ENORMOUS mosquito that I just killed with a vaccuum cleaner. Yeah, I'm not leaving my window open anymore. I can't ask Mel to come and kill it for me like I used to. Instead, I must get creative and ask Henry, who is the vaccuum. That's right, I named him. I have to talk about how much my dorm room already rules but how much it sucked that I had to completely re-clean after the cleaning lady came by because her idea of "clean" and my idea of "clean" clearly do not match.

Tomorrow we're having a morning breakfast, gathering type thing and then shopping at Asda's (I'm pretty sure that's what it's called) for stuff. The first order of business for me is a fan (remember the mosquito?) and lots of hangers. Lots and lots of hangers. And a couple of air fresheners just to get that weird unused dorm smell out of here. Leaving the window open is no longer an option for me. So yes, things are going to be a tad bit busy for me these next couple of weeks, but no worries because I'll be writing and if the internet doesn't suck tomorrow and the day after that, I just might be posting whenever I catch a minute. I just thought that I'd let y'all know that I am safe and sound and still in one piece. Well, almost one piece, which is why I'm buying a truckload of paracetamol for myself tomorrow. My body hurts everywhere. I hate the fact that I need so much shit.

Posted by Sam at 10:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I can't exactly remember what grade I was in. I think it was the sixth or seventh grade, but what I do remember is that every Wednesday, a group of kids had to go and see their "counselor". Don't ask me why our school made us do this, but each grade was broken into different groups of ten and sent off to different adults to talk to and generally go through our angsty lives because as you all know, being an eleven-year-old kid in frigid North Dakota is hard.

I always thought that the group meetings were stupid but never complained because it was time that I didn't have to spend sitting at my desk with my face propped up against my hand trying not to fall over into the floor. Luckily I was in the group with the "cool counselor". She was rather young, I'd say in her mid-twenties, and tried hard enough to really get to know us, but didn't try too hard to where we all could tell that she was a flake. She seemed to geniunely want to get to know us and understand what was going on in our small lives. Every week she came prepared with a new topic to discuss, some of which again, I thought were stupid, but others which I thought made a few good points.

One topic that she brought up was trust. Who do we trust, why do we trust them, how can we learn to trust again after the trust has been broken? We'd go around the circle and a lot of people said that they trusted their friends and family. I mean, those are the most obvious choices, no? If you can't trust them, well who else can you trust?

So that Wednesday we talked about trust and since it was such a hot topic amongst all of us, she had a surprise the following Wednesday. We were going to test all of our theories that we had talked about and do something that none of the other groups got to do: we were going on a field trip.

Being in North Dakota at the time, it was really easy for us to surround ourselves with nature. You can't escape it, it's all just right there in your face. Most of it is just flat land though with tall, TALL, grass and dirt. You had to drive a few miles to get to the mountains, which is where we were headed for our field trip. Into the mountains to go on a ropes course.

When we first stepped out in front of the ropes course, I was really intimidated and frightened. I never was much of an athletic girl and the last thing I couldn't understand was how this was supposed to test our trust theories. As far as I could tell the only thing we were going to get accomplished was breaking a sweat and I didn't see any showers nearby to clean myself up afterwards.

However, it was one of the most exhilarating days of my young life.

We climbed trees, rocks, balanced on logs, ran, screamed, jumped, scraped our knees, yelled at each other, encouraged each other and throughout all of the physical activities, learned how to trust one another. I mean, when you're high up on a rock wall, even with all of the safety chords that are there to catch you if/when you fall, you're trusting your spotter who's down on the ground.

It was a fantastic thing to learn in only a few short hours, and I was so hyped up that it almost made me want to become more active. Almost.

The very last test that we did though was not a group test. We weren't broken down into partners or separated into teams. We had learned how to trust each other and now the only thing that was left for us to do was learn how to trust ourselves. It was time for us to take on the zip chord.

In case you don't know what a zip chord is, it's really quite a simple thing. Basically it's just two giant trees with a line strung up between it. The thing that makes the zip chord so insanely scary is that the line is approximately eighty feet in the air.

Oh yeah. And we had to climb it all the way to the top, strap ourselves in this rinky dink harness and pray that we wouldn't A.) smack into the other tree because we're going a zillion miles an hour or B.) fall to the ground because we were too heavy and the chord would obviously snap the moment we put any weight on it.

I was the last person to go. I had to seriously work up the nerve and convince myself that everything would be okay. I watched as each one of my team members successfully slid accross the zip line and came down smiling and laughing because it was just So Much Fun. Everyone was going on about the rush and all of the different feelings that they were experiencing just by flying on this thing.

I, on the other hand, was thinking how I was getting ready to die. Everybody had already gone, therefore using the line too much and it would be too tired to carry me. I was going to fall eighty feet out of the air and die. Die. I didn't really want to have the story, to come down laughing, to feel the rush. I wanted to live.

I eventually went though. Everybody convinced me to do it and I became another victim of peer pressure. I strapped on the helmet, had three hundred different safety ropes laced through me and began the long journey up to the top where a platform was waiting with two men holding the harness that would be the only thing keeping me at a safe distance from the ground.

I remember being very much aware of my breathing. I took a lot of deep, slow breaths and there weren't any thoughts going through my mind other than, "don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down." I could faintly hear everyone on the ground cheering me on, but it sounded like they were in a wind tunnel. I could sort of hear them and I knew that they were right down there waiting for me, but in that moment of time, all I could focus on and care about was the very small space that was between the tree I was clinging onto and myself. Every time I moved up a step just meant that I was that much closer to the end, that much closer to feeling the ground beneath my feet.

Eventually I did make it to the platform. The two men who would be the ones strapping me into the harness congratulated me to climbing all the way and I do remember one of them saying something about how some people climb back down or just let go.

When I was up there, I looked down. I was shaking and trembling so bad. I almost started crying in front of strangers, which is a huge no, no for me. My voice was shaky and all I wanted to do was get off of that fucking platform that was so goddamned high in the air. I could barely see my classmates, I couldn't hear a thing they were saying. I thought I might faint.

After the two guys finished strapping me in, they told me to sit on the edge of the platform and slide off. I did sit down, if only so I could feel something below me and pretend that it was the ground. I gripped the rope that was in front of me and sat there with my legs dangling over the edge. All that was left for me to do was to give myself a little push and let go.

It was so surreal because the few seconds before I finally slid off, time stopped, if only for a few moments. Things became extremely clear and even at my young age, I found it to be amazing that my mind was so focused and aware of everything. Life does slow down and nothing matters. You are in the moment, you are experiencing it all first hand and not one thing is on your mind. Everything is silent.

And after one last final deep breath, I let go.

When I finally slowed down and was unhooked from everything, I realized I was crying, not because I was sad or it was scary, but because it was so liberating. Even though I was flying by at lightning speed and was spinning around like I was on a Disney ride, I felt free. It was also every bit of fun that everyone had been yapping excitedly about after they were done and I didn't die, which was a very good thing. I wanted to do it again and again and again.

It was my favorite field trip that I ever went on and after that day I always looked forward to going to our counselor's office on Wednesdays.

This Wednesday I will be embarking on a new kind of ropes course. My last couple of days have been spent having fun with friends, trying to relax, finishing up my packing, abusing a little substance (*wink* *wink*), working on chores, hanging out with my family and drifting off into my own insipid thoughts. I'm already taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to remain calm. I keep reminding myself that there's no need for me to get myself all worked up. All I need to do is wait until that point in time when I'm sitting right on the edge and there's nothing left for me to do except slide off and let go.

Posted by Sam at 08:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It was for the first time yesterday morning that I felt it. Excitement. I could feel the chills run all inside of me and couldn't help but grin from ear to ear. Our trip to North Carolina was over with and now there was nothing left for me to do other than hang out with my friends and family, pack to the maximum until the seams on my luggages were about to burst and wait out the last couple of days until my fly day.

Finally, I was just plain happy about everything. I was confident, secure and knew that I was going to be fine. There wasn't any kind of worries and for once my brain shut itself up and I could just enjoy my moment. My happy moment.

Our first day back and I haven't wasted any time with my things that I need to do. For many, many months I've been thinking and re-thinking everything over and double checking myself three thousand times. It's as if I was preparing myself for a major drill to happen and now I'm no longer practicing. It's the real deal this time.

Today was my Indoor Things To Do. Lots and lots of cleaning, ironing, organizing and re-organizing everything so that it fits just right. I took a couple of breaks to rest my feet and feed myself, but otherwise it was pretty much non-stop work from the moment I stepped out of bed until right now when I climbed back in.

It's kind of a bad habit of mine whenever I do laundry to leave piles on my bed and fall asleep with them, instead of folding them up and putting them away. Sometimes the effort is far too much for me and besides, I really like the smell of fresh laundry. Right now, I have one of the largest stacks of clothes piled at the foot of my bed and I think it's going to stay there until tomorrow. The sad thing is, it's not even laundry that I did today. They're perfectly fine, clean clothes that I've been storing away in my drawers and closet. These are the clothes that I'm packing in boxes and shipping over because the largest suitcase that I own is already packed to the max with other clothes that were also in my drawers and closet.

The funny thing is that if you were to look in any of my drawers or my closet right now, you wouldn't believe that I was going anywhere, because they're still full. Maybe not as packed as before, but I think that this is how my drawers and closet would look if I hadn't stuffed them to the point where they were over flowing and forcing them shut was a daily thing for me to do.

It appears that my mental drills were slightly off when estimating just how much shit that I own, so now I'm having to turn to my Plan B, worst case senario option, which is more boxes. A lot more boxes. Well that, and trying really hard to eliminate things that perhaps I could live without if it came down to a life or death situation.

Tomorrow shall be another busy day of Outdoor Things To Do, which includes getting my final pedicure for quite a long time, eating lunch with two of my favorite coworkers, shipping my boxes off (man, that's going to be a pretty penny), buying groceries, stopping by the bank, getting my car fixed, dropping more boxes off at Goodwill, yadda, yadda, yadda....it never ends.

So far things are moving smoothly, aside from the packing glitch. I'm surprised that I'm not more chaotic or freaking out about how much time I have, but like I said before, I'm confident. Not to the point to where I'm cocky about it, just confident enough that things are going to work out. I like being sure about things. It's a feeling that I'm welcoming with open arms.

Posted by Sam at 09:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Ah, home sweet home. Yes, indeed, we have made it safely to and from North Carolina, which was an unknown much needed little trip for me. There was a whole lot of nothing that was accomplished and I'm feeling...well, I'm feeling exhausted since six hours in a car with two family members, listening to my iPod non-stop and falling in and out of sleep can really tucker you out. At the moment I'm letting all of my electronic things charge up and letting my brain rest from too much exposure to light. So much light.

We left on Saturday which is when I re-discovered my southern accent (hey y'all!), remembered how much I love hush puppies and drank four bottles of Cheerwine. You haven't lived until you've drank some of that sugary syrup. Unfortunately they don't sell it up here in Virginia (something about small children exploding after one sip) so I had to stock up before we left. You can bet your ass that some of it is coming to London with me too. I just have to figure out how to hide it in my suitcases.

For some reason I had it all planned in my mind that we were going down to North Carolina to do something. Certainly there was a reason for us to be road tripping it all the way down there other than to see Janice and eat. Not that I ever really need a reason to go down south, and I love seeing Janice, but I was expecting at least some kind of small itinerary.

Nah. The only thing that Momma had planned was to see Janice and eat, which is fine for the first two days, but after that, I needed something to do. Anything. I got really bored really quickly and then remembered that Gastonia is in some kind of freakish time warp that has been locked and refuses to budge whatsoever.

I didn't have anyone to see, I didn't have anywhere to go, I didn't have anything to do. I wanted to scream.

Monday afternoon was nice though because that's when Mel and I saw our cousin, Ashley, that we haven't seen in almost ten years. Hell, it might be longer than ten years.

Anyway, we met up with her and took a hilarious walk down Memory Lane.

Me: "Oh, do you remember when we were in David's room and found his porn?"

Ashley: "Yeah, I was going to mention that out there, but I didn't want to in front of your momma. I remember she was really pissed about that."

Mel: "What about when your momma was cleaning out her room and y'all two were fighting over that Joe Camel shirt?"

Ashley: "What Joe Camel shirt?"

Mel: "You know the one with the little pocket on the side to hold your cigarettes? And your momma gave me that purple bathing suit that I never wore?"

Me: "I still have that Camel shirt."

Ashley "Hell, I'd probably never wear one of Momma's bathing suits either."

Me: "Oh, but you did when that dude, Billy, was over at your house one day and you wanted to show off in front of him. And David was so pissed because he hated it whenever we'd be around him and his friends."

Mel: "Yeah, and you were standing on top of the well struting and dancing in front of them both."

Me: "And when David came over to you to try and get you down you spit on him."

Ashley *laughing*: "Oh my god, I completely forgot about that."

The following day we made plans to go out to lunch at the Olive Garden since Ashley loved it there so much and hang out a little bit more before it was time to go. It was nice to get out with her and catch up on things. We all had certainly grown up and changed quite a bit, but even as I looked at Ashley and Mel, I could see that we were all still those crazy, young kids who were always getting in trouble and causing chaos.

We also briefly saw our other cousin, Danny, who stopped by Janice's house the last night we were there and we talked to him about his business and how well things are going even if he is busy up to his eyeballs.

Mostly though, our time was spent eating and laying around like the lazy schlubs we are. I saw three people that I used to go to high school with, which was...frightening. I was bitten at least twenty thousand times by mosquitoes and Janice has collected six new cats. Well, I should say five and a half considering that one of them is on the verge of collapsing and dying at any moment. I was sure that it would die while we were there, but alas, the little bugger struggled on and is still ticking. I told Janice to give me a call the second he drops dead. Mel and I have a pool going and need to know. She said we were awful. I told her that's what happens when you have nothing to do in the south.

Aside from the trees being a little taller and the people being a little older, it appears that not much has changed in the small town that I grew up in. It was good to go down and visit, but I'm glad to be back at home where I can properly catch up on all of my blogs and get started on the many, many things that I must do before the 13th. There's nothing but days in front of me now. Nothing but a couple more days.

Posted by Sam at 06:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

My desk is packed away and yet there's still work piled on one corner. The mail. The mail will never go away. I've got timecard errors that I've yet to hand off to Jackie, and all of my personal stuff is sitting in a decent size box next to my feet.

It's so empty.

This week has been one of the best weeks I've ever spent at work, and that's mostly because I haven't been doing anything work related. It has been nothing but a big 'ole socializing party and damn, it feels so good. I've been hanging out a lot with coworkers and tomorrow should be a really funfilled day since I'll be having my farewell lunch and then a farewell happy hour right afterwards.

There's no sadness though. I will not allow sadness. I've had my fair share of sadness and if there's anything that I really want it would be to leave smiling and laughing, not crying and causing a scene. I never thought in a million years that I'd be saying this, but I'm really going to miss this place. Well, let me correct myself...I'll miss the people. All of the people, even the creepy ones.

Today we had Cathi's farewell lunch and that was a bag of laughs. There was cake, sandwiches and presents, oh my! Tomorrow is her official last day and then she'll start off into a new, exciting direction of her Work Life. She'll do awesome over there, I already know it. We're really going to miss her here, and I'm more than positive she'll miss us too. I could tell during her little speech that she gave at her lunch. It was sweet, cool and sincere all at the same time without sounding stupid and corny. Aside from thinking how nice it all sounded, I hoped that nobody would want me to give an impromptu speech at my lunch because I'm more than positive it wouldn't come out sounding half as good as Cathi's. Her's ruled. Mine would suck...and then everyone would pray for me because supposedly I'm good with words, and headed off to England to get a writing degree.

It doesn't feel like my last week of full time work and that worries me, because I want to feel that feeling. I'm still wired thinking that I'll come to work next week, do the timecard errors, sort the mail, hunt people down for signatures and meetings...I'll ask everyone how their weekend was, take my hundreds of smoke breaks, bitch about work with coworkers, escort uncleared people.

But I'm not. Next week we'll be in North Carolina, visiting family, getting stuffed full of Southern home cooking and hanging out during the last days of summer on Janice's front porch. That'll be the last of my relaxing time until we come back home and I'm running around like a mad woman trying to get things packed up and ready to leave for college.

Leave for college.

My mood has improved quite a bit though, after I gave myself a good talking to. I yelled and screamed and yanked my hair out in absolute frustration telling myself that I refused to be that sad, manic depressed girl for my last few weeks. I was going to grab life by the balls and have a fucking good time. No more pouting, no more crying, no more sadness. I better lock all of that far away in my brain and never unleash it until I'm somewhere alone where nobody can hear me through the walls. So I did. I smile now and the only time I cry is because I've been laughing too much which is how it's supposed to be.

All this week I've been coming into work late and staying extra late. After five o'clock, over half of the building has left for the day and I take my time roaming the hallways, sitting in people's empty offices, staring out the windows and saying my farewells to each different parts of the building. I remembered when I first came upstairs and thought that this place was an absolutely crazy maze. How did anyone ever find their way around?! All of the walking and random hallways. It had to be confusing for everyone. Now though, I can walk around and I have at least one memory on every last square inch of this floor. I know it backwards, forwards, inside and out. It was my domain and I owned it.

Tomorrow I'll take my box downstairs to my car, I'll double check to make sure that I left nothing behind and I'll say goodbye to the last thing that I've intentionally been putting off until the very end. My cube. My island. My corner of the building that I claimed and swore that I'd brighten up since I was bitter about what should have been my desk. And then there won't be anything left to say.

Posted by Sam at 05:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Me: "Doesn't it ever get cloudy over here? I mean, seriously, does it have to be sunny every fucking day?"

Mel: "Damn, maybe it is a good thing that you're going over to England if you hate the sun that much."

Me: "It's not that I hate it. It's just that I'm over it. It has been almost a month of nothing but sunshine. Every now and then I could go for a cloudy day here or there. I like the rain. It comforts me."

Mel: "Okay, whatever you say. You're depressed."

Me: "Look, I'm not depressed. I'm just...I'm just...not as happy as usual. I can be cranky. I'm allowed to be cranky, alright?"

Mel: "Fine, whatever. You're cranky, I get it. Can you please keep your crankiness to yourself?"

**

It doesn't go away. This feeling that is so unknown and is eating my insides and working it's way out; it's always with me and never leaves me alone. It's here, right here, and if I'm not busy enough distracting myself, the eating inside speeds up and it makes me feel even more mental.

There are only two things that I have found that works, that makes me forget altogether that I even have this feeling.

The first is really simple. Company. Whenever I surround myself with coworkers, friends or family, I'm fine. We laugh and joke just like always and instantly I feel better. I can continue with my day and everything is fine.

The second thing is even more simple. Television. Oh yeah, if my coworkers, friends or family aren't around, then I can surround myself with fictional characters that I relate to and understand. This week I find myself frequently visiting the Seattle Grace Hospital off of Grey's Anatomy. Man, do I love that fucking show. Right now I have heavily immersed myself in the second season. I had never watched it until two weeks ago when Mel introduced me to the doctors. I'm not sure why I never watched it. I guess I thought it was stupid with all of the hype that was made about it and because it came on at ten o'clock and usually by that time I've already been asleep for two hours.

Mel has been downloading the second season onto Momma's laptop, and now whenever a new episode has completed, the two of us make ourselves comfortable on the big yellow chair in the "fancy living room" and watch it together with the laptop comfortably propped up on a pillow. It's our new Thing.

The thing that I love about Grey's Anatomy is that all of the problems aren't just medical (of course not, it's dramatic television). The interns have social problems, boy problems, family problems, Life Problems. It's not always about needles and surgeries. The interns are just starting out in the medical field where they overcome fears that they have and are forced to deal with hard decisions. I like it, I relate, I feel their pain. I cannot wait until the second season comes out on dvd and I can have a marathon for three days straight.

The show eventually ends though, the credits run across the screen and then I have to wait until the next show downloads, which takes a very long time.

During the space of time that I'm left with, I have found that cleaning and sleeping are nice distractions, but they don't keep my mind occupied. The second that I find myself alone with my mind running rampant, I'm confused as to what I need to do. Normally I would just think it all through and deal with my shit, but lately that hasn't been working. I've been a basket case full of emotions, not in my right mind, and the only sane thing that I feel like doing is sitting alone and crying until there are no more tears left.

I don't. I've already done the crying thing, and apparently one time is just not enough. I thought I had my Moment, my sad moment that I had been waiting for, the one moment when I would get it all out of my system and carry on until my last day here, but I was wrong. I don't think I got it all, that some of it is still hiding in there and now whenever I get the feeling that I might start crying, I plug it up and shove it aside. Just like I'm over sunshine, I'm over crying. I have nothing to cry about.

Which is where I'm wrong. I know I'm sad. I know I'm going to miss my home, my friends, family, car, food joints, daily routines, annoying neighbors, traffic jams and weekend errands. It turns out that I didn't completely hate this place like I thought, that maybe if I am bored and ready to move on, that I'm still sad about saying good-bye. I don't want to be all dramatic and make it seem like it's The End, but the truth is, part of me feels like it is. I'm leaving to go to a bigger city, where there are a lot more people, people I haven't met yet, been acquainted with yet, learned yet, understand yet. I'm going to create a new life somewhere else that isn't here, and I'm going to be fine. I know I'm going to be fine. Even with everything that is scurrying inside of me, I can feel the center of Fineness. But all of this, all of this that I have already created, that I'm already comfortable with, that I already know and understand, this is what I'm going to miss.

I'm trying really hard to accept everything, to mentally adjust and deal with the fact that from now on, at least until next summer, I'll only be visiting home every couple of months and that when I visit, I'll cherrish the short amount of time that I have with all of my fiends, family and food joints. I can feel myself being pushed out into Adulthood, and it's a frightening place. As cool as it might be to have your own place, set your own rules and only answer to yourself, I'm afraid to admit that maybe I don't want to do it. It's not about London, or college. It's about me, growing up. And that, that right there sucks.

When you become a teenager, you cannot wait until you grow up, move out and make your own life. That's what you want, you want that freedom and all of that space to do whatever you want to do. Obviously the first thing that you'll want to do is have a great big party that celebrates your newfound freedom. You'll call all of your friends, decide who's bringing the chips, who's bringing the liquor and life as you know it will have officially started. The thing we don't realize though, what nobody ever tells us, is that there is so much more to life than chips and liquor. I know, it's tough news, but it's true.

Now the moment has arrived, and instead of being a big 'ole grown up, I'm reverting back to childhood methods of curling up in bed, crossing my arms and pouting until I get what I want, which is...hmmm...which would be to live like Peter Pan and never grow up.

Posted by Sam at 08:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Wasting time at work
and wishing that I could lay
in a dark closet.

Posted by Sam at 04:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It's a story that I've repeated to many people who have asked me the same multiple questions:

- "Why did you choose London?"
- "Are you excited?" which is closely followed by, "what are you studying?"
- "What will you miss the most?"
- "Will you be back?"

I politely tell them the same condensed answers that I've already told everyone else (and sometimes I repeat myself to the same person because apparently their memories are worse than mine).

- "Yeah, I'm excited. I chose London because when I visited two years ago for New Years, I fell in love with everything that was surrounding me. I'll be studying Creative Writing with English and of course I'll miss my family and friends. I should be back during the summer as an intern too."

They smile back at me, always smiling, wish me luck and make a stupid joke about randomly coming to visit me while I'm staying there, which I laugh at even though I've heard the same joke from thirty other people, so really, it's not that funny anymore. I still humor them anyway.

Afterwards, they stare at me for a couple more seconds. I can sense that they want more from me. They're expecting a lot more details, they would like to know about my New Year's trip, or perhaps they thought I would have a little more emotions about it all since it is a Big Deal.

I don't say anything though. I just stare blankly back at them and wait for them to walk away. After you've repeated yourself hundreds of times to tons of people, you lose your enthusiasm and your energy isn't as fresh as it was at the beginning.

Eventually they do walk off and I continue working on what it was that they interrupted me from.

The standard answers that I gave them though, the ones that I have memorized and can spout off at the drop of a hat in under twenty seconds, barely even begin to cover everything that I've been thinking about on the matter. There's so much more to all of their questions that I haven't ever shared simply because that would potentially lead into a longer conversation that I normally don't care to have with that one particular person.

But if I did care to answer them in full, my answers would probably be something like this:

Continue reading ""Stay, American baby"" »

Posted by Sam at 04:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I decided since my sleep pattern is pretty much fucked, that I would train myself to get on a new sleeping schedule. One that doesn't have me tossing and turning during the wee hours of the morning and cursing at myself until I want to cry, because damn, sometimes I can be really harsh.

Instead of me passing out around 4 or 5pm when I was picking Mel up from work, I've decided to stay a couple of hours later so I can miss most of the traffic and spend that time collecting an extra hour or two of overtime. My banking account would really appreciate the added dollars here and there. Since I'm staying later though, I've also been going in later too, arriving at 9am instead of the painful 6 or 7am that I was used to. It's nice, I'll admit. Now I can take my time in the mornings, I'm not so rushed putting my make-up on, things are a lot more relaxed. Not only that, the extra sleep has been a great bonus.

The change has been one for the positive. I've noticed that I'm not as sluggish when I go to work, I complain a lot less and the majority of my work gets done after everyone has headed out for the congested highways around 4pm. I'm kind of pissed that I didn't think of this a long time ago.

Anyway, now when I come home, before I even think about crashing in my glorious bed with the inviting pillows, I force myself to stay awake, unwind a little bit, open my mail, pay bills, clean the kitchen, hang out with the family a bit. Who would have thought that you can function on six hours of sleep? Not me.

Now that I feel better about my sleeping situation, I've been getting a couple of things wrapped up and ready for when I depart for college. Yesterday I went to the doctor and the dentist. I figured that I might as well get everything checked out on the same day while I was out. There's no point in taking two sick days off of work. I also received my student visa in the mail which was pretty exciting. That was the last thing that I was waiting for so now I've got all of my required documents to show the people at the airport that hey! I'm legal and have the papers to prove it.

This afternoon while I was going through some of my mail, I saw a big white envelope with my name on it and the Roehampton seal. I always get a happy shiver up my spine whenever I see something from them. I make myself comfortable on the couch or chair which I am sitting in, carefully open the envelope as if something may jump out and bit me, and slowly go through each and every paper that they have sent, front and back. Today wasn't any different and I was extra happy to see that it was a big Welcome Folder that came stuffed with a calendar of all the general holidays and College Events that will be going on throughout the year, my very first University Newspaper, more financial aid advice and a Fresher's Guide for us first timers.

It talked about our first week after we arrive, setting up our modules, student IDs and so many more things that I'll need to do upon my arrival.

And I thought all of the stuff that I did to actually get accepted was a lot of work!

I'm going to be so busy. So. Busy. Forget the fact that I'll be adjusting to a whole new environment, dealing with the culture shock, trying to not get lost, set up my room, learn everyone's names and properly settle in. Oh no. They're just going to be sending us all off to different places to have more pictures taken for IDs, organizing modules, going to a subject briefing where staff members get to go on for at least an HOUR AND A HALF about what subject they teach, what it involves, and how you should be apart of it, because hot damn is it ever awesome! I have to arrange my fee payment (durr), go on the campus tours, attend the International Centre Open House and then finally start lectures on the 25th of September.

They also have a Fresher's Ball, a treasure hunt of London (I really want to do that; no, really), film screenings, poetry readings, Cinema Night for all students, our Student Unions daytime and evening events (anyone up for some jazz?), and many, many, many other tours. I'll tour all of the different halls, the library, the computer labs which are open 24/7 (doesn't matter, I've got Bridget), and the Learning Resource Center (LRC).

After I read everything, twice, I was still slightly overwhelmed. I mean, that's a lot of shit to be dealing with for the first week directly after my arrival. We also have to take into account that I haven't been in school for a couple of years and this will be my first year in college. Like, really in college. Don't I get any time to rest a bit after I get there? Will I have time to take a deep breath, adjust my body clock to the time change or unpack? It already seems so hectic and I haven't even left yet.

But then I read my little University Newspaper called "Fresh" and was comforted by the pictures of fellow students that I saw and read an article by a guy named, Joe, who talked about the craziness and feeling so overwhelmed and dizzy from his first week that things seemed do-able. Sure, it'd be insane and I could have a random breakdown during one of the tours and forever be known as the Girl Who Cried After 48 Hours Of Being On Campus, but it would all be okay. I'd fall into a groove, I'd learn over time where things are, and if all else fails, I know that there will be tons of different people around who will be more than willing to help me out. I've always felt like Roehampton really tries and cares about their students, no matter what crazy ass questions they ask (I'm one of those students who has asked those questions multiple times). Heidi and Val (the beautiful Roehampton Representatives that I've been talking to for months) have always been there for me and I don't feel like a pain. It doesn't matter what I do, say or ask, they always make me feel special.

Even still though, I've got to have time to set up my room and unpack. It's vital for my mental state. I can't just go out on tours and listen to poets read their work while I know that there are clothes that need to be hung and drawers that need to be organized. It will drive me insane.

Posted by Sam at 09:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This Friday started off really slowly, but it was totally worth it because this afternoon rocked. ROCKED.

After I finished up my work, I hung out around the office so I could kill some time and let the Friday traffic die off. It turns out that work is a lot more fun when you're not on the clock and can waste away the afternoon with fellow coworkers. We talked, ate crap food out of the vending machines, tossed a little soccer ball to each other, smoked, talked shit about people, and then decided that it was late enough to where traffic might be tolerable.

It didn't matter though because the weather was GORGEOUS and I think that Mother Nature has decided to loosen her grasp a little bit on us poor folks down here who have been turning into people soup. Today, however, a lot of people were brave enough to roll their windows down and let the wind blow through their hair. I don't care what anyone says, I'll drive with my windows rolled down any day of the week instead of sitting with the air conditioner blasting. There's just something completely different about driving your car with the music as loud as the car will allow and letting your hand drape over the side of the window while smoking and singing along to whatever is tearing up your speakers. You can't do that with the a/c cranked on, I'm sorry. You just can't.

When I got home, I was pleasantly surprised to see not one, not two, but three whole College Presents resting in my bed. Mel bought me a beautiful purse from Coach. Oh yeah, plus the matching wallet. I really need to learn how to upload pictures on here (tips, anyone?) so I can show it off. It's so pretty. And so perfect. It also smells great. I'm totally carrying this around until I die.

But! The third present was the most surprising (I already knew Mel was going to get me the perfect pocketbook). It was a CD from Melissa congratulating me on getting into college. Thank you, Melissa! She sent a sweet message with a compilation of her favorite British bands. Really, I was completely surprised. Not only that, but I was just thinking this past week how I wanted to make some more CDs and send it out to more bloggers (the offer still stands if you want a CD; just let me know). She has some kick ass songs on here and I was really excited to see "West End Girls" by the Pet Shop Boys on there, because I've had that song stuck in my head for a couple of months now. Oh yeah, I said months. Depeche Mode, The Cure, The Libertines, The Smiths and other wonderful artists that I'm in love with and would willingly give up my left leg for without thinking twice.

So again, thanks a million, Melissa. It's fabulous. And no worries, I definitely will not be disappearing from the blogosphere after I move across the pond. It'll take a lot more than that to get rid of me. Ha! You should plan a trip over to London sometime and we'll create havoc in all the pubs. It'll be great.

Ahhh...such a good Friday. Not only that, tomorrow is going to be spent relaxing at Amy's house, drinking liquor, hanging out by the pool and soaking up the 75 degree weather that is planning to wash around our skin. Seriously, could life get any better?

Posted by Sam at 07:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I am proud to say that I am one of those people who can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. I've been known to drift off in the mornings while standing in front of my sink and brushing my teeth. I can sit in my cube, shut my eyes and easily catch a twenty minute nap. So why am I all of a sudden having problems with getting my much needed beauty rest?

It has been at least two weeks now that I've been having issues falling asleep at night. My sleep pattern has been completely shot to hell and now during the night I spend my time laying in bed flopping around like a fish out of water.

Flip. Flop. Flip. Flop.

My toes scrunch up just so that they can have something to do and as the time ticks forward I become increasingly frustrated that I won't just fall asleep.

It starts out with me talking calmly to myself so I can try and relax.

"Fall asleep. Just fall asleep. Close your eyes, let the thoughts clear out of your head, take a deep breath and slowly start drifting to sleep."

After an hour of that, it then turns into verbal self abuse.

"Goddammit, how fucking hard is it to just shut your fucking mind off and catch some damn z's?! Jesus, I want to at least get three hours of sleep before the fucking alarm goes off!"

What I can't seem to firmly get a hold of is my own brain. It's always turned on and running around in so many circles that my head feels swollen from not properly stretching beforehand. I go over the same lists thousands of times only to end up in the exact same place where I started.

I've just chalked it all up to nerves and being impatient. One of the many topics that crosses my mind during this routine dance with myself is I'm waiting for That Moment. You know, the moment when I'll have one of those big meltdowns with lots of tears and screaming to anyone who will listen that I really don't want to leave. I was just kidding. Can we go out for ice-cream now? I already did what I wanted to do. I was accepted into college, I got the money, I have all of the legal papers. I didn't think that it'd all actually work out and that I'd really be going through all of this.

But it did. And I am.

I'm so used to having a big dramatic meltdown when Major Life Changes occur so the fact that I haven't had one yet is really freaking me out. It probably hasn't happened because I'm seeking it out, but I don't want to be caught off guard and then be escorted out of the airport because I can't control myself. That would be embarrassing.

Instead of a big, dramatic scene, I get these little pangs every so often that make my chest tighten and I have to catch my breath in order to not fall over. It used to be whenever I'd see an airplane in the sky I'd feel sad because oh how I wished to be with the other passengers going wherever they were going. I just wanted to leave. Now whenever I see a plane I become full of anxiety and have to find something, anything to lean on. I know what's headed in my direction and now it's no longer wishful thinking. It's a reality. I will be getting on one. I will be with other passengers. I will be going alone.

Which is another thing that I've been trying to get used to. I'm going to be leaving all by myself. Alone. No one else. Before I went with Mendy and she was my support when I began to lose it when we were being driven to the other side of the airport where our gate was. My eyes started to fill up with tears and I was going crazy.

Me: "I change my mind, Mendy. Let's not go. I don't want to. Can we turn around? How the fuck do I get off this thing?"

I remembered she grabbed my collar, made me look her in the eyes and shook some damn sense into me.

Mendy: "Sam. We can't go back. We've already paid for everything. Pull yourself together."

And when we were finally sitting side-by-side in our seats, as the plane took off we squeezed each other's hands so tight, leaned as far back as we could in our chairs and braced ourselves for the adventure.

This time around I'll be flying solo.

Can't I go with someone? Can't someone be there with me? Doesn't anyone want to come with me? I hear that airplanes have a lot of space these days and it won't be so cramped. We can play those travel games where the pieces are magnetic and stick to the board so they won't roll off anywhere. And when we finally make it over to London we can hang out like bosom buddies and come up with a schedule for when we each get to use the shower in the mornings. It'll be fun!

So there are a lot of worries, a lot of thoughts and not enough sleep. After I give up getting any sleep for that one night, I mark another day off the calendar and watch as the lightning flashes in the summer sky. I'm reminded of being on a rollercoaster when it's slowly climbing up higher and higher. I can hear the chains under me. They sound rusty and like they're struggling with all of the weight that its being forced to carry to the top. I keep on taking deep breaths, knowing what's about to happen, knowing that I willingly got on this ride, knowing that I'll soon be speeding towards the ground and knowing that every ride is the same. It always starts off slow in the beginning, but once you finally get going it's fun as hell and you end up waiting in line to ride all over again.

Posted by Sam at 09:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I am so fucked.

I am So. Fucked.

I guess I should explain why.

I never thought that I'd ever say this but...*takes deep breath*...I think I have too many clothes.

Yesterday I went shopping since all of Northern Virginia was having their annual No Sales Tax Weekend for all of the chaps who are preparing to go back to school in a matter of a few short weeks. Parents pack all of their children into their mini vans to buy paper, folders and Crayola products in bulk. For once we don't have to do math and add 5% sales tax onto the final price that's printed on the price tag. What we see is what we get!

Needless to say I was pretty stoked. No math and no sales tax. I always look forward to this time of year. It's like Christmas only I'm buying things for myself. Well, I guess I could buy for other people, but I don't know anyone else who will be going back to school.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I got shopping fever and was blinded by my own selfish wants and needs. I went a little crazy and bought a lot. When I say "a lot" I think you should envision the Grand Canyon. Now think of the Grand Canyon filled with nothing but clothes from Banana Republic Petites, American Eagle and Target. Think shoes, shirts, pocketbooks, pants, skirts, dresses underwear, luggage accessories, paper and keychains. It's all brand new and scattered randomly throughout my room.

Last night I was really excited, because nothing excites me more than buying new things, coming home and having one of my little runway shows. But after I was done playing dress up and lining all of my shiny new things on my bed, it finally hit me that I won't have any room in any of my suitcases to bring any of this stuff with me.

I WON'T HAVE ANY SPACE.

Why? Because I already had clothes that I was planning on bringing with me. I've got shoes, pocketbooks, pants, shirts, underwear, skirts, dresses and everything else that I'll ever need for all four seasons for the rest of eternity. I've got it all. I have enough. Now I've just added a bigger pile to add onto the already massive pile that is already bursting at the seams.

I remember a couple of weeks ago when I recieved one of my university packets in the mail with helpful tips for when I would be traveling and a nice little checklist that came with it. One of the suggestions was that I should only bring what I need and that two luggages should be enough. Nobody wants to be carting around four or five giant suitcases around the airport.

At first I thought it was a joke. How is someone supposed to only bring two suitcases with them to college? Seriously. With all of the mental packing that I've been doing I had squeezed everything into four, and that's not including my carry on bag plus my pocketbook.

For months I've been thinking about what I absolutely need to bring with me, what I could bring if I had some extra space and everything else that I can live without and leave behind. It's so hard to choose though and part with bits and pieces of my life that I've always had. How can I leave any of my books and dvds? What about all of my pictures on the wall and other random quirky things that I have around my room that I don't necessarily use but keep anyway for sentimental reasons. I'm going to miss my Hello Kitty toys that I got from McDonald's when they were selling them in the happy meals and my beloved shot glass collection that is still growing. These are things that I've already decided to leave behind simply because I don't think I'll really need them (well, I am bringing at least one or two shot glasses with me).

As hard as it is for me to part with my magazines and beanie babies, the hardest things for me to go through are all of my clothes. I love them all and can't bear leaving them all behind. It reminds me of a Sex and the City episode when Aidan is moving in with Carrie and he suggests to clean out her closet so that they can make some more room for his stuff. He mentioned that he doesn't know why she keeps all of those clothes because she hasn't ever worn any of them.

"Yet," she points out. "I haven't worn any of them yet. Someday I will."

That's exactly how I am. I've got a lot of clothes that are hanging in my closet that I've yet to wear, but I never know if an occasion will come up and I'll be so happy that I have my white Ann Taylor halter dress that is practically brand new and still doesn't have any matching shoes to go with it. It would be perfect for a nice spring garden party. So what if I don't know anyone who has a lawn with chemically treated grass, or an actual garden. The point is that it might happen and if it does then I'm fully prepared.

That is how I shop. I go out, I see something that I want and then I picture myself wearing it either with something that I need to buy or something that I already have. It's just like my new rain jacket that I bought from Banana Republic. Let's not even take into consideration that I've already got two perfectly fine rain jackets in my posession, but this particular jacket that I saw and tried on was absolutely perfect for me. And on me for that matter. I looked stunning and I would look even more stunning wearing it with my new fancy jeans, my hot brown knee high boots, while standing in the rain in London.

Why am I standing in the rain in London? Who knows. I could be window shopping, I could be waiting for someone, I could just be out for a walk because it's fucking London and I will be doing a lot of walking. Whatever the reason, I'm going to be wearing this beautiful rain jacket so it was pretty obvious that I needed to buy it.

Right now I'm scared. I'm scared that I want to bring too many things with me and I'm going to end up being the Perfect Example as to why you should only pack two luggages when you go to college. I'll be the one who gets pulled onto the luggage conveyor belt because my bags are too heavy. Round and round I'll go and then I'll really be reconsidering whether or not I should have packed so many pairs of jeans or if I really needed all of those damn t-shirts.

One of the ways around struggling with four suitcases is simply shipping over the stuff that won't fit. I should only bring what I'll need for at least the first two weeks and eventually the rest of my belongings will arrive via the post. The only thing that I don't like about that idea is what if something gets lost or breaks? Or worse, what if that one situation that I have yet to think about suddenly pops up and I am left unprepared because the one thing that I need is securely taped in a brown U-haul box? What will I do then, huh? How am I supposed to cope?!

I know, I probably sound crazy. I should just chill out and come up with a new plan. I need to be more strict when it comes to my lists and not worry about any potential scenarios that may or may not come up. It's just college after all. Most of the time I'll probably roll out of bed and wander into class with an old pullover sweater and jammy pants. There's no need to panic and I'll just have to keep repeating to myself that I don't need all twelve of my fancy dinner dresses.

Posted by Sam at 08:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Since I'm getting ready to exit the Corporate Life and get back into the Education Mode, I thought I would share some vaulable tricks of the trade that I picked up throughout my years in different office buildings. Let's face it, sometimes you have a stack of work sitting on your desk that needs to get done, but you're simply not in the mood to put on your working cap and get it all finished. Sometimes you just want to kill time until it's time to leave for the rest of the day. Don't deny it. You know you have. You just got back from a long lunch and your body is begging for sleep. You curse yourself for ordering that large side of fries with your turkey club sandwich and now all you want to do is curl up under your desk and take a cat nap.

Since most of us would get fired if we were caught doing that, these are my top three things I've chosen as alternate ways to waste time, yet still look productive at the same time.

**

1. Power walking

This is what I do whenever I'm about to rest my forehead on my computer screen and catch a few z's. I get up and walk anywhere, but I do it like I've got some place really important to be. Normally it's just to go to the bathroom, downstairs to smoke, or to the vending machines to grab some sugar, but I get a look on my face that says, "do not talk to me, I'm very important and have very important places to be." Also, you must come up with a quick response that you say to everyone in the hallways when they say hi to you. My answer to everyone who asks how I'm doing is "pretty good." It's fast and keeps you walking that way nobody stops you to chat and slow you down. The last thing you want is for someone to give you more work while you're walking with a mission.

2. Little of this, little of that

You don't have to know the ins and outs of everything at the business you work for, but what I like to do is know a little bit of everything that way you can always add your two cents in a conversation. Whenever I feel like killing time, there's nothing better than distracting someone else from their work with a little shop talk.

For example, at the company I work at, we have a lot of standard departments. There's Procurement, Finance, Security, Change Management and so forth. I don't have the slightest clue how any of these departments function, but I know enough to get by and not make myself look like a total ass whenever talking about their work. Now, let's say I'm in the mood to go and distract someone from work so I can waste some time. All I do is walk into someone's office, tell them that I have a question about something that deals with their work and then I let them ramble on for a good hour or so until I'm ready to go sit back down at my desk and check to see if I have any new emails. It's brilliant. You wouldn't believe how many people love talking about themselves and what they do. Not only that, but if you work for a company that's really shitty, they also love complaining and droning on about how they think they could fix a certain problem.

Now, occasionally I listen to them and add my small share to the conversation, but for the most part it's just them going on and on about what they do. I like to call them "impromptu meetings".

3. Obvious hiding places

In my opinion, I think everyone should have a safe haven for whenever they need some quiet time. I know I don't like sitting where there's constant talking and phones are ringing off the hook all day, so I've found some obvious hiding places where I can sit in silence but still have a good reason to not be at my desk or running another errand for someone. I figure that they should be in the wide open too, that way nobody can ever say that you were trying to sneak off and be a slacker.

My first option is always a conference room. I have access to view all of the schedules for each room since I'm admin, but if you don't have that option, find someone who does have access and block off an hour or two for "Project Reviews." It's vague enough to where people don't really know what it's about, but detailed enough to where people don't ask questions. If they want more information, just say that it's late notice and you just need the room. This is where I can sprawl out my papers and get down to real business, which is of course, writing up drafts for new posts on my blog. I'll bring a couple of timecard errors with me or work lists in case someone walks in, but this is where I can get myself organized in a nice quiet space without everyone looking over my shoulder.

If the conference room doesn't work for you, then I always go to one of the kitchens, our employee lounge or someone's office who has left for the day. If someone asks what you're doing in the office, just tell them that you had to ask the person who has left a question and that you're waiting for them to return. It works like a charm.

**

Those are just my top three. Of course there are others that I have perfected over time, but these are my first choices whenever I'm in my Slacker Mode. If you work somewhere that's dull and makes you want to jump off the roof without a parachute, I hope you can use these methods and save a little of your sanity.

Posted by Sam at 01:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Momma: "Did you hear on the news about that guy who was out jogging one morning and got hit by a dear?"

Me: "See, that's precisely why I don't exercise."

Posted by Sam at 08:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This weekend was a nice mini vacation for me. Mendy and I had some much needed girl therapy Saturday afternoon right on into Sunday. It was time that was spent getting giggly-tipsy off of bitch drinks and then relaxing on Sunday at Lake Anna. Nothing gets better than that. Nothing.

As I was lying on the sand, roasting under the sun and getting ready to doze off into my first nap of the day, I overheard these two lifeguards talking about random shit that people talk about when they're on the job and waiting for their eight hours to finish up so they could clock out.

Lifeguard 1: "So like, I was watching this thing online, right, about this six-year-old boy who was at the zoo and fell into the thing that they keep the gorillas in, you know? Not the cage, but like, the thing that looks like where they would really live if they were out in the wild. Anyway, he falls in right before they let the gorillas outside and everyone's freaking out because he hit his head and was knocked unconscious. So like, the gorillas are out, walking around, his mom's crying and screaming, and everyone's freaked because they don't know how the gorillas are going to react. I mean, you just don't know how animals are going to react. - Screaming at kids in the lake - GET OFF THE ROPES!! Anyway, so like, the big, main gorilla walks up to the little boy and sits down next to him when the little boy finally wakes up and starts crying, because, hello, there's a giant gorilla looking down at him. I mean, shit, you'd start crying too if that was the first thing you saw when you woke up. Anyway, the parents are freaking, the zoo keepers are freaking, everyone's freaking. That's when the gorilla starts petting the little boy. Like, really petting him on the back. Once the little boy stops crying, the gorilla scoops him up and cradles him like a baby. I shit you not. I totally saw it on tape. It was crazy."

Lifeguard 2: "Oh my god. Animals totally have souls."

Lifeguard 1: "I know, right?"

This is who we'd depend on heaven forbid somebody needed CPR.

Aside from that, the lake was beautiful, the weather was beautiful, the hotdog I ate for lunch was beautiful. It was all so nice and comfortable that it made me want to buy a beach house even more. There's something about all of the sand and the sound of the water washing up onto land that makes me slip into a trance of complete nothing-ness. My mind shuts off and I no longer have any worries. Work? What work? I don't remember anything about work. It was just what the doctor ordered for my mental state. Even though I'm refreshed though, I could still do with another trip down there, probably on a random week day. Just because. No other reason is required.

Now that I'm out of my mind numbing state (damn), work and reality have resurfaced and sunk their claws in my back again. Although, now that my days here are quickly fading away, I've been making sure that I make myself scarce around the office. I was told to start delegating my work out to Jackie so she can get the hang of things before I leave and so that people aren't so shocked once I'm gone. It was strange to hear our PM say that, but I thought it was a good idea. Not only that, I haven't been as motivated to do my regular tasks like usual. These days my thoughts are primarily consumed with what I should and shouldn't pack in my suitcase and will I be allowed to bring two cartons of cigarettes with me? Everything else I could really care less about.

The countdown has begun and I'm looking at five weeks until I don't have to work anymore. It's exactly 50 days until I get on the airplane though, since I'm taking some time off to go to North Carolina. Last night as I was about to fall asleep, my mind started over thinking (as usual) and it was like something creeped up on me and bit me from behind. Now I realize that I'm on a clock and I've got limited time left here. Five weeks? Five weeks! Do you know what happens at five weeks? Five weeks turns into four weeks. And then four turns into three. Three obviously turns into two and before you know it there's only one week left.

One week left.

I was glad that I was laying down because it felt like I could have fainted if I were standing.

I'm doing much better today though. After a couple of deep breaths and cigarettes, I calmed myself down and decided that I'll have to take things one step at a time, just like how I've been doing all along. I'll be fine, there's no need to panic, and if things do get too crazy for me, I can always go back down to Lake Anna where I forget that I even have a life. All that matters is the sun, sand and water.

Posted by Sam at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I come from a family who likes to talk. A lot. About everything. Not only do we talk a lot about everything, but we enjoy all of those nitty gritty details that most would find offensive or repulsing. It doesn't matter if we're in the middle of watching a TV program or eating dinner, nothing seems to bother us and we've never come across a line that shouldn't be crossed. Our problems, our thoughts, our feelings, our ideas, our troubles, our worries, our highs and lows - it's all out there to be viewed, analyzed and probed until there's nothing but dust leftover.

The thing that I've never really understood or have gotten used to, is that sometimes things just need to be left unsaid. I never take into consideration that some people simply Don't Want To Hear It. They would prefer not knowing and remain in the dark on certain subjects or events that are going on. So whenever I'm talking about something and I cross that line of Too Much Information and the person doesn't respond in the same way that the rest of my family does, I'm not sure how to handle it. I can't process or fathom that certain things or topics make people uncomfortable.

"What? You don't want to know about this? You don't want to talk about it with me for hours on end until we can no longer talk or hold our eyes open? But why?"

This past week, I did just that. I let my mouth run away with me, yet again, and gave too many details to someone who simply Did Not Want To Hear It. They ended up not talking to me for two days and then asked me why I felt so compelled to tell them this. Why?

And it's a very reasonable question. One that I feel deserves an answer. One, however, that I'm not even entirely sure how to answer, considering I don't know the answer myself. All I know, all I can figure out, all that I'm assuming what the answer might be, is it's just how I am.

Now for some that might be an acceptable answer to give. "Hey, man, it's just how I am. Deal with it, alright?" But for me and my brain that never shuts off and likes to spin things around until I'm so dizzy my eyes swirl around like those characters in crazy cartoons, it's not an acceptable answer. There has to be more. There needs to be more in order for me to feel like I have a better understanding of myself and give a proper answer to that who is asking.

Continue reading "Wherein I'm vague and yet, oh so detailed." »

Posted by Sam at 02:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

"Wait, so the green dots mean what?"

"The regular size green ones mean that it's already been touched by our team. The little dots mean that it's already been looked over and the big green dots mean that it's questionable and needs to be looked at again."

"Does it matter what color the little dots are? Because they have a lot of different colors."

"I don't think it matters."

"You don't think?"

"I don't think."

"And the red check marks?"

"That means that it has already been entered into the database."

"What about the black check marks?"

"Oh, it's the same as the red ones, her pen just ran out of ink halfway through."

"And the stuff highlighted in yellow?"

"Um, I'm not really sure. Maybe that was a different team from a couple of weeks ago."

"What do those squiggly lines mean? Wait, what do the dots mean again? Can you repeat it?"

"This sucks. Maybe we should just get new sheets."

Posted by Sam at 10:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

On Friday afternoon I began my journey and it has ended on this Saturday afternoon. I've been to Barcelona, Paris, London, Russia and back. Needless to say I'm rather tired, but even after all of the planes, trains and automobiles, part of me just wants to call up the new friends that I've made and ask, "so, where are we going next? What's in store for us now?"

I'm sure you're wondering how is this all possible? How can one travel to so many places in so little time? And the answer is quite simple. There's two reasons actually. The first one is this nifty little thing called Netflix and the second is the ancient building called the Avalon.

After Mel and I arrived home on Friday, she introduced me to l'auberge espagnole, translated to The Spanish Apartment. It's this fantastic film about a man named, Xaiver, who moves from France to Barcelona to work on his master's degree. At least I'm pretty sure it's his master's degree. Anyway, when he arrives, he soon discovers that his accomodation has fallen through and he needs another place to stay. From there we walk side-by-side with him as he learns about his new surroundings, sweeps his new lover clear off her feet, tries to deal with his old girlfriend and their new long distance relationship, lives with his flatmates who each have their own colorful personality and swim through his tormented mind as he tries to figure out what he wants to do with his life, what he wants to get out of it.

Ten minutes into the film and I was already hooked. I fell in love with every aspect of the movie; the music, the camera angles, the amazing shots of each city and even the subtitles, since the majority of the movie is in French and Spanish. It made me want to learn a new language and flip the calendar to September that much faster.

So when Mel told me that there was a sequel and it was still playing in theaters, I knew I had to go.

A couple of clicks on the laptop and we were in business. We found out that it was only being shown in select cities and that the only theater that was nearby was in Washington D.C. at the Avalon. Luckily for us they were showing the second one, Russian Dolls, the very next day. My plans for Saturday were sealed that quickly.

I was slightly nervous seeing the sequel since usually they end up being complete shit. Directors and writers try so desperately to recreate the magic of the first movie that they get lost in what they're doing and it comes off as being cheesy and forced. Thankfully this was not the case with Russian Dolls. It all flowed perfectly and it didn't even seem like a sequel. It seemed like an extension from where the first film left off, like the cameras never stopped recording. Life just continued and moved forward like normal.

I won't divulge into any of the details and gush about this one scene, or a certain line that I thought was brilliant. All I'll say is that you should do yourself a favor and watch these movies. I think that they might have been placed at the top of my Favorite Movies List, and that's pretty hard since I've been in love with Almost Famous and Breakfast At Tiffany's even before I sat down and watched them. The one thing that I love most about these movies though, is that no matter what language it's in, love and life, are all the same.

Posted by Sam at 06:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I may just be a little too restless for a hammock. I don't know why but as much as I love the mental picture of hanging about in the backyard doing absolutely nothing, it never seems to work out like that. The first instinct I get is to hang it out in the sun: might as well get something that resembles a tan while I'm outside, right? I followed the same line of thought this past Tuesday. Of course it was too fuming hot so I had to relocate to the shade, a procedure that usually takes at least 30 minutes because finding poles, angles, boards, pins, trees, pipes or anything else of which there are two strategically located relatively close to each other in such positions that you can tie each end of your hammock to them is such a daunting navigational task General Napoleon himself would've struggled with it. About two hours after I initially went outside, after tying it up, climbing into the damn thing, climbing out of the damn thing, relocating, tying it up, climbing into the damn thing, fighting bees, spraying ants, stretching for the lemonade, urging the cat to 'no please don't come jump on here because it's too unstable' and wondering how long it would take for the thunderclouds at the horizon to come over, I was actually comfortable. And it's moments like those that trigger thoughts along the lines of: "Did I fill out my tax form yet?" The only real way to chase those thoughts away (at least for me) is by replacing them with something in the same category that's a whole lot more fun: "I still have to write that guest blog for Sam..!"

So a one year blogaversary. That's impressive. I might have one coming up myself, or I might have already had one: it depends on whether you choose to look solely at the date I started blogging, or whether you choose to add up the weeks I was actually actively blogging. There is a world of difference and it leads me to the first thing I love about Sam's blog: the consistency. There's always something new when you need to get your mind off of something or when you just feel like reading another one of her entertaining stories.

Secondly (or firstly in importance, just that it didn't fit the pattern of this entry to post it first) is the content. I relate, and I image thousands of people would if they knew the address to the blog. Which doesn't directly make sense, because I live a very different life, in a different country, a different culture, and so on. That means the only reason I relate to her entries is because her style of writing is very open, accessible, relatable. Sam; if you're doing it on purpose, kudos. If not; you have a talent, girl!

Thirdly comes the writer herself, of course. I'm not going to bother putting too many words in this paragraph because all the readers here know exactly what I'm talking about! That, and because these things are as difficult to define as the term "sex-appeal" or the average DVD-recorder remote control.

On that note: what is the point of the "eject" button on a remote control? Don't you have to walk over there to remove the disc to put it back in the box anyway?

So one year. Something tells me she's only just getting started. There is an amazing path folding itself out into the future, announcing things that have yet to happen in places that have yet to be travelled to.

Sam, congratulations. And whatever may come, I hope we will read about it right here, on mymumblingthoughts.com.

-Erik.

Posted by Sam at 01:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It started yesterday when I couldn't find my Yeah Yeah Yeahs CD.

Well, actually it started a couple of days ago, I just didn't deal with it immediately. Instead I do what I always do whenever things like this happen and pushed it aside. Just normal, typical behavior for me.

The first real day was when it was raining outside and actually chilly in our house for a change. I decided to turn the AC up a little bit and pull out my blue robe from the closet and wrap myself up in it. I whipped it out, put it on and instantly smelled it. Or rather, smelled him.

I thought I had gotten rid of everything that reminded me of him. I had put everything away in boxes, stored them high up in my closet or far underneath my bed. I washed everything, hid all of his things in the bottom drawers and made sure that it was all out of sight, out of mind. How could I have forgotten my robe? How had it saved all of those familiar, luring scents? It didn't take very long until I was reminded of those brief days when we were together. I was laughing. He sat back and smiled at me. I was wearing my blue robe.

I tossed it in the washing machine. I never wanted to be caught off guard like that again.

The next day I was looking for my passport. I needed to apply for my visa but first needed a number off of my passport for the application. I had saved it online for too long and I wanted to get it in the mail and sent off. I knew it was somewhere in my room. Somewhere in a shoe box, which is how I keep things underneath my bed organized. I have old notes from high school from when my friends and I wrote to each other during class, pictures that have yet to be filed away in my photo albums and other small momentos that I keep. I probably should have kept it somewhere safer, but at the time it made sense to keep it in my Travel Box.

I flipped open the lide of a box that revealed random pictures, plane ticket stubs, information I had printed off of the internet about travelling, my passport and a couple of letters.

"Don't read the letters," I told myself. "Get the passport, close the lid and slide the box back under your bed."

But I couldn't ignore them. Not when they were right here in front of my eyes begging to be unfolded so they could unleash even more memories upon me. More feelings, more reminders of something that I've been trying to move on from. Maybe one day I'll be able to freely take trips down memory lane with these letters, but not now.

I opened one of them anyway. Only one. Even that was one too many for me though. It sparked something inside of me, and when I was finished reading, I folded it back up, replaced the lid back on top of the box where it belonged and opened my laptop.

"Perhaps I could send a friendly email? Just to say 'hi, how's it going? I hope you're well.' No harm in that."

However, as the cursor blinked, waiting for me to compose my friendly email, my fingers cramped and my brain swirled. I couldn't do it. I couldn't form one single sentence that made sense or came out sounding semi-normal. I didn't know where to begin, how to begin, why to begin. Nothing worked, it all sounded forced and fake.

Instead I quickly closed my laptop and watched Lassie on TCM.

And then, last night as I was searching for my Yeah Yeah Yeahs CD, something came out of nowhere and punched me right in the chest. Suddenly I got so frustrated and annoyed with myself. Not because I couldn't find my CD, but because I just let things slide. It doesn't bother me to turn a blind eye and ignore something for long periods of time. Why do I do that? Why do I accept that fact about myself? When did I say that that was okay? I don't understand why I can't just be one of those people who deals with their emotions as they come instead of locking them away all the time.

So I lost it and did the only thing that I know how to do which makes me feel like I'm back in control; I cleaned.

It started with my bedroom where I washed my sheets, vaccuumed, organized my closet, worked on laundry and hung up pictures that have been collecting dust for almost a year. I then worked my way down to the kitchen and on to my bathroom where I scrubbed the bathtub and WASHED MY SHOWER CURTAIN.

It was insane, but I felt a lot better afterwards.

In the morning, I awoke to my room looking fantastic. The smell of granny smith apples still lingered in the air from when I left my candle on the night before, hiding all traces of the past few days, few weeks, few months. I sat up in bed and looked around. The feeling that I was carrying around with me for the last couple of days was still there, it just wasn't as prominent as before. Had I supressed it again? Would it ever go away? I didn't really know. I got up though and continued on with my morning like every other day.

And I still haven't found my damn Yeah Yeah Yeahs CD.

Posted by Sam at 01:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

These past two weeks have been spent taking my time, going slow, slipping back and avoiding others. There's no real reason for it other than I'm tired. I have no motivation to come into work, to cater to other people's problems or care about them either. I suppose my four day weekend off of work was a minor tease to remind me what it's like to not have to work all the time, to really enjoy your day and heaven forbid get some proper rest.

So now when people come up to me and ask about overtime preauthorization or expense reports, they're shocked when I say I haven't even given it a thought. Perhaps that isn't the right response to give, but it's the truth. I've just been meandering through our hallways, running errands when I should be thinking about timecard errors and getting lost in my ice green tea from Starbucks when the thermometer claims that it's 100 degrees outside. Who wants to work when there are pools that need to be used and beds to rest in after you soak up all of the sun? Not me.

I boil it all down to the loan. I'm secure with money for school now. What's the point in working?

And then I must remind myself that the point is I've still got a car that has a monthly payment, that requires gas in order to get me from point A to point B, a cell phone that I enjoy using and a shopping habit for the World's Most Expensive Things that won't quit. Not only that, it's good to save money so that when I finally do arrive in London, I've got some spare cash to go out and eat, buy a new hair dryer and go out if the mood strikes me. That's why I must continue working.

That, and I know that after two weeks of sitting at home, my vaction mood would have left me only to be replaced by cabin fever.

I force myself into our building if only to make an appearance and pretend that I'm actually doing my job. "It'll pass," I think to myself while sitting in my cube surrounded by silence. It's only a phase and before I know it I'll be back to full steam ahead cursing myself for being so lazy and allowing all of the mail to continue to collect at the bottom of my feet under my desk.

Until that moment arrives though I will remain in my Slacker Mode. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got more Starbucks to drink and long luches to attend.

Posted by Sam at 08:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Sometimes life just doesn't get any better than wiping watermelon juice off your chin with the back of your hand, which is what Mel and I did last night before we headed upstairs for bed.

Our 4th of July was spent inside where we didn't have to wrestle with the mosquitoes who have somehow grown to the size of tennis balls, fight with the traffic or cover our ears from screaming children who didn't like the boom(!) of the fireworks. One of the perks from living three miles down from the Nissan Pavillion is that you can see the fireworks high up in the sky above the trees. We all sat in Momma's room with her blinds pulled all the way up as the fireworks exploded in the distance and our faces were illuminated briefly with each different light spectacle.

Earlier in the day we watched football as we grilled steaks on our George, made potato salad and drank lemonade. It was calm and laid back just like every other holiday that we celebrate which allows us to take a paid day off of work. We used to go out on the 4th of July with family members down to the mall to get up close and personal for the show, but as time went on and we got older, we found that things were so much more comfortable from our own livingroom couch. We could get the exact same show while in our pj's, and as we all know, if I can do anything and remain in my jammies, then I'm a happy camper.

Momma went upstairs after she ate because she can only handle so much of our profanity when we watch football and took a four hour nap, while Mel and I hung downstairs, cleaned the kitchen, cut up the beautifully red, sweet, seedless watermelon that we had bought a couple of days prior and sang Hall and Oates songs.

Life seemed so simple.

However, after all of our relaxing excitement we decided to call it an early evening around 10pm since it was back to the rat race in the morning. I was ready for it though. I had taken my nice four day break off of work and I was feeling a lot more refreshed. I suppose the only real downside to the evening was all of our neighbor's little kids who wanted to set off fireworks until the late evening in the middle of our street. It was as if my brain was a big bowl of Rice Krispies and they were pouring the cold milk. It was nothing but SNAP! CRACKLE! and POP!

I hope that y'all had a nice 4th of July as well. At least all of the Americans who read My Mumbling Thoughts, anyway. For everyone else, I hope you had a nice Tuesday.

Posted by Sam at 06:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

For as long as I can remember I've been living with Bill Gates. I've known nothing else other than Windows and everything that goes along with it. I have to say, it was nice. In general I don't exactly have a lot of complaints, but then again it was all that I knew. Of course there were a couple of times that I got severe migraines because something wasn't working properly and I got so damn frustrated that I just shut the computer down and gave up going to sleep fuming.

Today, however, all of that came to end and I've been united with the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. Mr. Macintosh invented a little something call the MacBook. If this isn't the greatest thing in the entire world, then I'm not sure what is. It's FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

Right now, as I type this up, I'm in my room, lying in bed and listening to my iTunes. I've already got all of the files that I wanted transferred off of our old Dell laptop on here because the good people at the Apple store moved them all for me for FREE. All I had to do was create a folder last night called "Transfer" on my desktop with everything that I wanted in there. It all made too much sense. I have no clue how I'm even accessing the internet right now since technically I don't really have an internet service provider, but I'm not asking any questions. I'm just enjoying the fact that I have a beautiful new best friend who is magical and does everything that I ever wanted.

I'm in love y'all. I'm in love and probably won't be leaving my bedroom for the next couple of days. There are so many new things to learn and become familiar with and so little time!

Posted by Sam at 06:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I spent my Saturday doing two things; the first half was me laying about the house being miserable because our air conditioner broke AGAIN. I tossed and turned with all of the windows open, the fans blasting on high and cursing the humidity. The second part of my day was laying about in our house after the air conditioner was fixed by a strange man whose name I can't remember only because my brain had already melted and seeped out of my ears onto our wooden floors.

It was a day where I had a lot of time on my hands and the first time in a long time where I simply didn't do anything. I didn't feel like moving because any kind of movement just made me uncomfortable. I did a fair amount of watching bad television and eating ice cubes.

Although whenever I took a break from being lazy I thought about the next couple of weeks and really all of the work that I had piling up to the ceilings. I thought that the past few months were busy but now that I've guarenteed my money and will officially be moving I feel like I shouldn't be lazing about on my weekends.

Or should I?

**

When I really get down and think about it, all of the packing, the planning, the cleaning, the organizing, the squeezing of luggage and deciding which items are a must to bring along with me, it all seems pretty daunting. The surprising thing is that I'm nowhere near as frazzled or freaked out as I thought I would be. The entire time that I was researching about getting into school, I was also mentally preparing myself for the days ahead if it all somehow magically worked out. Now that it has, I know exactly what I'm going to do, what I'm going to clean, what is a must to bring with me and the hundreds of other little tasks I must do before I leave.

Since I know that it won't be long until I'm crazy/busy up to my eyeballs, I figure it's only necessary for me to take some time off and dare I say it...relax. I need to take some time to enjoy my big accomplishment, celebrate with friends and chill the fuck out.

So I've been doing just that. The other day, Lora and I went and got a pedicure and took a trip to the mall where I bought a couple of items from one of my favorite stores: American Eagle. Lora is, by the way, "Lauren" on here. I finally gave her the link to my blog and now that she knows about it, it feels way too weird to keep referring to her as "Lauren". So let's all say hi to one of my best girl friends. HI LORA!

I have to say that it was refreshing and really good girl therapy that requires zero excuses and never makes me feel guilty.

Aside from afternoons out with one of my favorite gal pals, I've been taking pleasure in just being alone and doing lots and lots of thinking. It may sound stupid, but all of a sudden I've been noticing a lot of tiny things that I already miss and it hasn't even been a complete week since I learned about my loan. I'm going to miss my coworkers and all of their quirky personalities, the food, obviously, hanging out at home with Momma and Mel, driving my car, hanging out with my friends, my entire daily routine, and hell, I'm even going to miss sitting in traffic just a little bit. I don't want to rush anything but at the same time it almost feels like I should start saying my good-bye's now just so they aren't so heart breakingly devastating for me when that final day does arrive.

**

After my day ended and my family tucked themselves in bed upstairs, I decided to stand in our garage and smoke while I watched one of the many summer thunderstorms that I'm used to. I remembered when I was small staying with our grandma in North Carolina and walking around barefoot in her backyard whenever we had a downpour. It was one of my favorite things to do and something I haven't done in years. I thought about walking around outside to properly enjoy the weather but decided against it. I'd be doing plenty of walking in the rain in London, although it may not be as nice as this night. Probably more cold and annoying but still, it was nice to just listen and remember.

Then I thought about how long its been since I was that little girl twirling in the rain. I still carry her around with me inside along with her fears, insecurities and worries. Now though, the more grown-up, experienced young adult that I am now assures her that things will be okay. It took a long time for me to grow to this point but now that I'm here it feels right.

Posted by Sam at 08:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

To say that I've been partying like a woman who has just been freed from prison would sadly be a lie. I wish I could say that as soon as I learned that I had money (money, baby!) to go to school I jumped for joy and spent the rest of my day drinking like fish. Instead I took about a minute to gather myself together and then continued on with the rest of my day like any other normal working day.

I made it into work and the minute I opened my mailbox I discovered that I had to do three other jobs that were so far back logged it would be impossible for me to finish it all in one day.

There was no jumping. No joy. None whatsoever.

Instead there was just me walking around pissed off and cursing everyone who are bigger procrastinators than me which left me to go back behind them and clean their mess up.

It wasn't until the end of day when I went downstairs for my eleventh smoke break when it really did hit me that in a matter of weeks I would be packing up most of my things and then proceed to get onto an airplane to fly over to London to study and learn about what I love doing the most. What more could a girl want? Well, another cigarette, that's for sure. So I stayed downstairs and smoked another fag while I listened to the airplanes across the street. They seemed a lot louder for some reason.

Slowly I've been breaking the news to fellow coworkers that it's official. Every single time I tell somebody it becomes just that more real to me. I say things now like, "when I'm over there" and "when I leave." I don't have to include the "maybe's" or the "I'm not sure's."

I've already told SuperAdmin that I'll be leaving and soon I'll be talking to security about putting my clearance on the shelf so I can come back during my vacations and work. Other than that there hasn't been much action. I guess there's really no point at the moment. For now we're just talking and I'm still working.

Working. Always working.

For the past month or so I've been putting in a lot of overtime and working the weekends. Not just because I'm a freak but because I'm trying to get a little more money in my own pocket. What I've learned is that working a lot of hours is hard work and that saving the money that you do earn is even harder. You would think that since I spend most of my life here at the office that I wouldn't have time to spend money, but that does not appear to be the case. I seem to be eating my money (still, yes I know) and the bills never really go away. Tiny emergencies pop up and I've got to put more money out in the world instead of in my savings account. It's annoying, but I can say that a little more is being saved up and I'm doing better with my random spending.

I'm going to celebrate properly though. Exactly when this is going to occur, I'm not sure, but it will happen. I'm also not entirely sure when I made the transition from being a slacker to Full On Corporate Worker, but I'm kind of scared to admit that maybe it has happened. I get caught up in the daily work drama, complain about our processes and find myself walking only to forget where I was going in the first place. I guess sometimes it's nice because the day flies by and I feel like I've actually accomplished something when the workday is over, but on the other hand sometimes I just want to sit and write about my mornings and how much traffic sucked.

For now I'll just be happy with knowing that all of my hard work, researching, learning, waiting, frustrations, filling out forms, blood, sweat, tears, patience and waiting some more has all paid off. Learning that I was actually accepted to a university was a great surprise and finding out that I had a place to stay was an even bigger surprise; but being able to pay for it all and not feel like I've spent the last two (well, almost two) years of my life hoping for nothing is quite possibly one of the greatest feelings in the world.

Posted by Sam at 01:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

In the wee hours of the morning (4:29am) one opens their email box to discover that they have been approved for their loan and that they'll be able to go to college overseas.

The weight has been lifted off of my chest. I can breathe. Now let's all celebrate.

Posted by Sam at 05:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Random quotes that I've heard or said myself that were really funny...at least to me.

- "Yeah, it's just like having a bicycle with a canoe strapped on top." - Ms. Cathi

- "I don't care if I have a homeless guy living in the back seat of my car. I just wish that he would lock the doors when he leaves. I leave all of my CDs in there!" - Me

- "I can see your bra." - Lisa

- "I want to see you all out on the dance floor, because tonight is my night and You. Are. Sexy." - Random gay guy in the bathroom at Nations.

- "I can't wait until tonight is over with. Really. I've got some lifesavers in my pocket and the next flavor is pineapple." - Emily

- "You want some of this?!" - Mel

- "Sometimes I just want to set myself on fire. Seriously." - Me

- "I don't want to cause some old guy to pop a tent." - Lauren

- "You know that you're going crazy from sitting in traffic too long when you come up with a new game show called Name! That! Roadkill!" - Me

- "Nick totally called them wankers." - Mel

- "They probably think that you look like one of their ex-girlfriends." - Brian

- "Remind me again why I still feed you?" - Momma

Posted by Sam at 08:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Okay, so yes I've been a neglecting blogger recently but that's only so I could go out this weekend and have a fabulous time and then record my good times up here.

Really.

Anyway, I did have a good time this weekend. It came complete with a new haircut, celebrating Mendy's birthday and dancing with the gays at Nation, smoking hookah, eating a Five Guys hamburger, hanging out with Lauren, lounging by the pool for hours while sipping on Arbor Mist, and then finally crashing at home for twelve glorious hours. Yeah, we had fun. Sure, I'm a tiny bit sore from dancing for four hours straight, but it was definitely worth it.

Saturday started out with me getting my hair cut and colored. I was excited because I'd be able to take my new, fresh salon hair out on the town and I've never been able to do that. Normally I get my hair done and then I go home to sleep so being able to properly show off my new 'do was a good thing.

After my hair was styled and looking fabulous, I drove home, gathered up a couple of things for Mendy's house and then cruised on over to her house where we ate Subway for dinner and chilled while her and Lisa finished getting ready to go out. That's always one of my favorite things about going out with friends; getting ready beforehand. It's just girls being girls, doing their make-up and hair, changing clothes every five minutes and talking shit about nothing. Good times.

Once everyone was ready and smelling good, we drove to Brian's house, picked him up and then drove into DC. The line to get in wasn't horrible and within a couple of minutes we were all inside among so many different characters it'd be impossible to name them all. The bathrooms, I soon learned, was the place to be. Most of the drama went on in there and that's where you could talk to others without trying to shout over the music. I also loved the fact that nobody really cared whether they were in the men's bathroom or the women's bathroom. The only thing that mattered was if there was a free stall. The stall I picked, however, didn't have any toilet paper and if Mendy hadn't been in the stall next to me to share, I would have had to do the unthinkable and drip dry which I'm sure every woman fears.

So the night at Nations by numbers would be as followed...

5 drinks that were spilled down my back
10 minutes it took to get a water and red bull from the bar
1 giant disco ball
2 times a gay cowboy got the shit smacked out of him
60 times I tried peeling my feet off of the floor
2 drag queens that I saw
3 million half naked, sweaty gay men that Mendy and I danced with for about an hour until it got so depressing we had to force ourselves off of the dance floor

Such a good time. I must do it again.

After we were all danced out, we made a pit stop at McDonald's (holy crap I was starving), dropped Lisa and Brian off at home, and then Mendy and I drove on over to Oasis where we smoked hookah and I tried my best to not fall asleep. I came to the conclusion that I am officially old and I need to whip my ass back into shape if I'm going to be going to college soon. My fellow freshman class will laugh me out of the country if I punk out around 3am again. It is shameful. I can say though that we didn't get home until about 5am (aw, I saw the sun start to rise) and woke up exactly at 8:38am. That's only three and a half hours and I was back up and functioning! Go me!

Once I left Mendy's house, I grabbed a bagel at my favorite bagel place ever, drove home, showered, drove over to Lauren's hotel and then had a Five Guys hamburger (holy crap I was starving again) while we exchanged our Saturday night stories. She had also gone into downtown DC with one of our co-workers and his friend. We were both recovering and instead of going to the movies (where I was sure I was going to fall asleep), we went back to her hotel where we hung out next to the pool and drank our Arbor Mist from plastic Solo cups.

Ah, yes we were relaxing (not sitting) on top of the world.

It was nice just laying about and having one of those really good conversations with one of your friends that would never be the same if was planned or forced. It felt like we had talked about every single subject on the planet and walked away with a better understanding of life. Yeah, one of those conversations.

Eventually our day had to come to a close and I drove back home where I finally got to lay down, fall asleep, and then wake up the next morning feeling refreshed...and two hours late. Nobody cares about that though.

Posted by Sam at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

First I must give major rounds of applause to mipmup for creating this new and rocking design for me. Doesn't she just rule? Yeah, she does. It's so cute and girlie, but not so sickly sweet that it hurts your eyes. Oh no. Not my eyes. I simply can't stop staring at it. It's WAY better then that mundane template that Movable Type supplied me. There's only a couple more things that have to be done (i.e. the links bar, and bringing all of my old archives over) but otherwise this is my new home and I fucking love it. Even though I've already said it a gazillion times, thank you mipmup for my new space. It's exactly what I wanted.

**

I've been dying these past few days. So. Busy. At. Work. Need. Break.

But I don't get a break. No, I haven't even forced myself to take a break. Yesterday while I was getting my monthly pedicure I sat making/updating my To Do List that has been very active. I worked last Saturday and this past Sunday (on the day of rest!). When I'm at home I'm busy doing chores and getting things cleaned because I simply cannot work in a cluttered, non-cohesive environment.

All this time I've been thinking about blog posts. I have about five things swirling around upstairs that I keep on thinking about but just haven't had the time to write down and make them sound semi-intelligent. I just need one day. One complete day where I can stop thinking about work, stupid training manuals, stupid To Do Lists, and stupid chores. My brain can't handle the sleep deprivation (waking up at 4am people!) and being on the constant go. How do some people do this regularly? You have to remember that I'm part of the Lazy Club, and you can't just immediately recruit our kind over into the Busy Workaholic Club.

**

I'm slouched in my chair in front of my computer screen with Goldfrapp playing on my mini stereo. A vacuum cleaner is turned on and my nerves jump out of my skin. Does Iona have to clean so fucking early in the goddamned morning? Well, I suppose she does. It is her job and I love Iona. There's no need to snap at her. Perhaps I should just take a small break downstairs in my car? I can park in one of the far away spaces underneath a tree and take a short nap. That could help.

Instead I let out another big yawn, get up and look down to see what's next on my list of things to do. The sooner I'm finished with all of this bullshit the sooner I can leave. I'll sleep, wake up feeling refreshed, take up an ink pen and begin to write, because oh how I miss you so.

Posted by Sam at 08:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Ah, the Friday before Memorial Day weekend. It's the time when everybody packs up the SUV, makes sure that the batteries are charged on their iPods and heads out onto the open road to go and do family fun vacation things.

OR go to work like me.

Yes, I'm stuck at work with a very small handful of people who actually have work to do, so needless to say I look a little out of place. I'll be honest, I only came to work for one reason and one reason only: Vince is here on a business trip and doesn't leave until 3pm. If we weren't going out to lunch I'd probably still be in bed watching the morning news and eating cereal.

The upside of it being ghostly quiet in the office is that I can turn up my music really loud and properly listen to it, and the number of times that people walk behind me and shake the back of my chair is cut in half. Before it used to bother me, but now I'm used it. I like to think that it's a nasty habit that people feel they must do in order to continue walking in the hallway. If they don't, then perhaps they'll be left walking around feeling like they're missing something. Their day simply won't be complete unless they stop by and shake my chair. I'm such a nice person.

This week I was given my PDS which is basically my annual review. It was not what I was expecting. I was expecting to see, "Sam is so great, we love her work, and even though she does the little tasks, it sure does make a difference and we appreciate her hard work." Instead I got "basic contributor." It was also said that I needed "close supervision" and that I get "easily flustered." Why don't we try something along the lines like I'm never at my desk because I'm too busy running around doing everyone else's bidding and the moment I sit down I'm being called or IMed saying that there's yet someone else downstairs who needs to be escorted. I get "easily flustered" because I can never get in contact with the people that I need to get in contact with and yes, that is extremely frustrating when you've been trying for THREE WHOLE DAYS. Easily flustered. Kiss my ass.

I disputed the whole thing and attached my rebuttal to the back of my PDS form.

I was also given my KREs (which are just my new tasks for the upcoming year) and it looks like I have a lot of cleaning, organizing and walking to be doing. When did I turn into the gopher for our office? It just feels like I get all of the shit jobs that nobody else wants and that's not exactly the route that I wanted to take. Not that I care too much about it all because in just four short months I should be stepping onto a plane to begin my new educational career and after that, fuck 'em. I'm going to do a kick ass job at all of my "minor" and "basic" tasks and everybody is going to love it, just like they already love my cubical.

Besides, I'm not too concerned about what SuperAdmin or Le Bitch thinks about me (they were the ones who wrote up my PDS). All of the worker bees love me and I know how they feel about the work that I do. I support all of them and those are the only reviews that really matter to me.

Posted by Sam at 09:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

My window is rolled down halfway as the smoke from my cigarette is being directed out of my car. The traffic outside sounds a lot louder than it normally does but I suppose that's because I'm not listening to my music loud like usual. I'm having yet another conversation with myself as I squint my eyes and try not to be blinded from the sunrays that are being reflected from the cars that are surrounding me.

Gridlock traffic in the mornings are normally the perfect time to sit and ponder situations that you've been shoving aside ever since that defining moment almost six months ago. The only thing that goes through my mind though is that if I've been avoiding it for almost six months, what's one more day going to do? I'll think about it another time, another morning, another traffic jam...

The truth is that I know there will never be a perfect time to sit and wade through all of the thoughts that have been collecting at the back of my mind nor will I ever be in the right mood. It's just something that has to be done in order for me to move on, gain some kind of closure.

So I sit as my fag dwindles down to the filter and think about our relationship, or the lack of relationship that we've had since I decided that I no longer wanted to be with him anymore. I think about how I handled it and that if I could do everything over differently I would. There's no need to completely disappear without any warning or explanation. You might as well have tied him to the back of a pick up truck and dragged him fifty miles down a dirt road. I wonder if I've really moved on or if I'm just over all of the drama. Part of me is still tethered and somehow I feel like I may never let go. Or be cut free...

I blame myself for almost everything but realize that I'm only human, and humans are allowed to make mistakes. I never wanted any of this to happen. Nobody ever wants things like this to happen. There's nothing good about it. You want to believe that you can be friends afterwards and hope that things won't end on bitter terms. The only coping mechanism that I could reach out for and grab a hold of immediately was The Drink and we all know that after a while the distraction fades and you're left sitting alone feeling numb with the same questions on repeat inside of your brain.

What did I do? Where did the problem begin? Can I fix it? Is there any point? Why did this happen?

I revert back to my old ways and shrink inside my shell where everything is fine and dandy. The sun is always shining, the drinks are always fresh and I don't have any worries, because worrying doesn't do anything except slow people down. I didn't want to be slowed down. I have plans, ideas and tons of work that has to be done. I can trick myself into believing that I'm happy and stable when really I've simply suppressed the hurt, anger and frustration.

It all caught up with me though and one day everything that I had been running away from was standing right in front of me, looking very pissed off and had even more questions then I had to begin with.

"DEAL WITH IT ALREADY!" my mind screams out in agony. "PLEASE, FOR ALL OF OUR SAKE'S DEAL WITH IT!"

I didn't know how though. How am I supposed to completely let go of a person that I've known and loved for two years? How am I supposed to walk away and forget about everything? What am I supposed to do?

And I learned there's nothing that really needs to be done other than to say good-bye.

Posted by Sam at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Considering I have zero prior knowledge to anything that deals with the internet and how it functions, this past week has been quite the learning experience. It has been one huge crash course in site building, html codes, servers, domain names, uploading, installing, and working templates. In truth I had been thinking about a new design for my blog for a long time I just never put any kind of action behind it. It wasn't until about two weeks ago that I actually began to ask people how they got started, what did they do, how does it all work?

Then as soon as I got word that one of my co-workers discovered where I stashed all of my writing online, that was a big enough fire lit under my ass to kick the re-modeling designs into high gear. Inside my head I was running around like a crazy lunatic trying to figure out how I could get all of these new toys to function properly together while consuming a million mini tacos. You'd actually be very surprised at how many mini tacos can be consumed in a 48 hour time frame. Obviously I wouldn't recommend it, but still, quite a surprise.

At the moment I've been fiddling around in places that I think should be left alone. I keep reading all of these online manuals that make me click on links that make me shake in my boots. I know that with one simple click of my mouse I could possibly destroy the entire make-up of my new blog. But that little part of my brain that is constantly pumping curiosity throughout my body forces my fingers to continue to click, just to see where I'll end up. So far nothing major has occurred but I have sort of/kind of done something to the Movable Type installation. It doesn't look the same as when I first got it. Now it looks really off and crappy. Sure, I can still use it but it's not really easy on my eyes. Eventually I'll have to go back, re-trace my steps and try to figure out what the hell I did in order to mess things up. Then I need to leave it all alone before it all completely breaks down.

So I'm still clicking, typing, reading and learning about these new internet lands. Hopefully I can get some brighter colors, figure out how to add all of my old archives and make it feel more like me. Until then it looks like cloudy weather for My Mumbling Thoughts.

Posted by Sam at 09:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Hey y'all,

So I have no idea how this thing works but I'm having tons of fun playing with all of my new handy dandy tools! Sure, it was a bit like wrestling a bear to get the damn thing installed, but now that it's up and properly running I have to say, very much well worth it.

Give me some time though. Regular posting shall resume the moment I figure out how to navigate my way around this new place.

Posted by Sam at 03:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Until Thursday I'm going to be back on the third floor answering the two calls that come in for the day and explaining to people that no, I'm not back down here, I'm just filling in for the new girl who really has a name and who I need to quit calling "The New Girl" and instead refer to her as, Erin, since that is her name after all.

Ah, yes. Our new admin/HR support girl. What can I say? She's fab. Really. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying the whole Let's Not Hate Every Female On The Planet exercise. She's really cool and we get on pretty well. Besides, she listens to the exact same music that I listen to, and we all know that if you share my love of music then we're automatically going to be life long friends who go to rock concerts and stalk after boys in bands that make our hips sway from side to side.

This has been a semi-interesting day as I've found myself easily slipping back into my bored ways. I now remember why I loathed sitting here so much and it has barely been over a month! Geez, I must have really shoved all of those horrible memories out of my brain. I remember seeing Erin about a week after she had started and seeing the same exact look on her face that was permanently frozen on my face for nine months. It was scary seeing that look being reflected back at me. The one that says in a sort of subtle way, "please, save me from this hell!" Only people who have sat in a job like this will immediately recognize the plea for help. Everyone else just casually glide by your desk like they have important business to attend to.

On the positive side, I have managed to get a TON of reading done. In case you don't already know, I've signed myself up for BlogLaughs. It's a blog where you are sent three blog links every week or so, you read them and then rate them on a scale of 1-10 based on content, design, grammar and such. It's a nifty idea and I've discovered a lot of blogs that are cute, laugh out loud kind of funny and just down right hilarious.

I did feel pretty bad on the last set of blogs because I only had time to read one of the three that were sent to me. I didn't get to put in my two cents about the other two, but I thought I'd much rather not say anything at all instead of briefly skimming over the blogs and sending some half-hearted review. I like to really comb through the posts and get a feel for the blog. It's only right. This time around however, I've got two read and finished and I'm still reading up on the third one. It has definitely put a smile on my face.

On the not-so-positive side, I figured out how to read my SAR report that was sent to me last week. I didn't really understand everything that they had sent to me, but after a little help from Erich in the finance department for the IEFC I figured out how to read the damn thing.

The bad news is that I'm a 35092. That's a bad thing. It means that based on the information that they have on record for me, I am not eligible for a Federal Pell Grant, but! I may be eligible for other aid.

Well hot damn.

I'm pretty bummed that the government sucks Big Time and refuses to share their gazillions with poor little me, but I figured it was going to happen anyway since I just had to put Momma's information on my FAFSA and according to some folks, she's rich.

Bastards.

Have no fear though, because dear Erich has had tougher situations than mine. I mean, the horror stories he could tell me! But won't. He's cooking up a plan where I can get a ginormous loan that I'll have to pay off even after I'm dead. My thoughts? Totally worth it and if I'm going to go in, I might as well go all the way. I may have to ask Momma for a loan too, which I hate.

If you're wondering why I hate the thought of asking Momma for money, it's not because of my pride and thinking that I can make it on my own without her. I know for a fact that I couldn't make it completely without her. It's just because she has already paid for me for over twenty years now. The money that she earns these days is hers. Why should I be taking it away just so I can run off to London and have a kick ass time while earning my degree? I missed my college boat two years ago anyway. If I had been traditional and went straight into college after high school, then maybe it wouldn't have felt so bad, but two years after the fact? It's not really her problem anymore.

Aside from the money drama, I found three escapee double stuf oreos in my desk upstairs when I went searching for my SAR information. They were a nice dessert after the Five Guys burger that I had for lunch. The only problem now is that there are crumbs everywhere. When I'm typing I can feel the little bits of cookie underneath my fingertips. Who would have thought that three little cookies could be so messy?

Posted by Sam at 01:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It seems like these past few weeks my brain has been like teflon; nothing sticks. I've been doing a lot of talking but I don't really say anything and I hear a lot of things but I'm not really listening. I've just been floating in my own world where flower petals swirl around me and I do a lot of twirling like a ballerina.

It's so strange.

Sure, things have been going on but it's nothing spectacular that I feel this sudden need to write it all down. Not that I need something spectacular to happen in order for me to write, the urge just hasn't been there. I could sit and write about a piece of chewed up bubble gum that I saw on the sidewalk if I wanted to, but lately these days I just haven't been in the mood.

Not in the mood to write? You crazy lady!

So yeah, not a whole lot has been going on upstairs. That doesn't mean that I haven't taken notice to this sudden change in my way of thinking. I have. Well, until I get distracted by the leafy, green trees or the large hawks that play in the skies on windy days. Then I get side tracked again and lose my train of thought.

During the moments when I am actually focused on one subject I’ve come to the conclusion that I might have reached a level in my life that I haven’t had in a while. This is what I like to call being “content.” You’re not overly happy or absolutely depressed to the point you’re not sure if you even want to see the sun rise the next day. You’re just…content.

It’s a damn good feeling.

These days I’m just taking things easy, going with the flow, rolling with the punches if you will. I have accepted many, many things simply because I had to. I knew that if I had continued in the state that I was in a couple of months ago I’d end up in the local hospital for going absolutely mad. I suppose it was also a combination of being moved upstairs and not being so stressed out at work about Le Bitch and what her next problem with me was going to be. Being upstairs is not only easier on me and my feet, but I feel like I can get a lot more things done during the day and I’m a lot more efficient.

Life is just so much more laid back and I don’t have the same worries that I had a couple of weeks ago. If I had to take a guess, I’d say that this would be me stopping to smell the roses and enjoying everything around me for a change instead of freaking out over every little thing.

Now if you think that sounds scary, I must also tell you that I’m in such a content state that I’m not even concerned about any icebergs that may be ahead of me. Yep. Normally when I hit these kinds of moments I become all paranoid and convince myself that something bad was getting ready to happen. Something was wrong and why am I letting my guard down? Everyone knows the second you let your guard down that’s when all of the madness begins. I should be keeping my eyes peeled for bright neon signs that say “WARNING: DRAMATIC LIFE ALTERING ICEBERG AHEAD!”

But I’m not and that’s also a damn good feeling. I’ve been through enough shit to know that if something bad does happen while I’m in my content state, I’ll make it through to the other side and with enough given time things do work out. Until then I'm just going to continue driving with my windows rolled down, my music turned up loud and a sickly big smile sprawled across my face for no apparent reason. These moments don't come along often so I might as well enjoy it to the fullest for as long as I can.

Posted by Sam at 01:20 PM | Permalink

My time spent on the help desk has been some interesting time indeed. I've learned a great deal of information in such a short period that I already feel burnt out. It's crazy.

I had already decided by the second day that I wanted to stick with my admin duties. Too many things were left unfinished and I was finding it extremely difficult to juggle both jobs full time. I stayed on for the rest of my two weeks though just because I had already told Pennie (help desk manager) that I would.

By the fourth day I talked to Pennie about everything and we decided that I would be her necessary back up person if/when she ever needs someone. I told her that the job was fine and offered plenty of opportunities, but if I had to sit there in that small cube full time I would kill myself. No hard feelings though.

This is my final week and right now I'm just biding my time, waiting it out. The help desk does have it's fair share of down time, but unlike my admin job I'm unable to go and humor myself when I need some entertainment. I don't even have the internet! Our classified machines are all monitored and with one wrong click of the mouse it would only be a matter of time until I had Big Brother standing over me. The people seem nice enough but I don't really sit near anyone and have already been dubbed as the "little quiet girl who doesn't do much other than write."

What can I say? It's a much more pleasant alternative than sitting and watching what they repeat on FOX news all day. I am getting pretty good at blocking out all of the unnecessary noise. Normally it has to be very quiet or I need to have music in the background in order to put my words to paper and/or screen, but now I've discovered that I can even think clearly with people shouting random computer information to each other throughout the day. It comes in pretty handy. Oh, and let's not forget the constant interruptions with the phone ringing and people asking questions about folks in the system. It can be a lot.

Even though I have been MIA from my admin job, people have apparently been seeking me out and have already found my new cubicle that I haven't been able to properly break in yet. Every afternoon when I go to check my email I notice that more and more stacks of paper are collecting on the limited desk space. Things have even started to migrate down into my chair! I'm definitely going to be busy when I return on Monday.

I was also asked to go on a business trip and I would have accepted if we didn't already have our North Carolina trip planned. Well, I actually did accept it but then had to decline because I had completely forgotten that we were going. I was a little too excited to be going to California for a couple of days though. The chances of me going again are still good. It's audit season and we've got a lot of inventory to do. Sure, I'd be a bean counter, but I'd be in fantastic Los Angeles. Perhaps instead of counting our items I could count the grains of sand on the beach, or maybe how many fruity drinks I can consume in under an hour. I'm sure if I sell it right my manager might fall for it...or not.

Other than all of the work stuff that has been blazing by me at light speed, I can finally say that my FAFSA form is complete and has been submitted! Woohoo! At this point I could care less if I got any money. I'm just proud of myself for getting the damn thing in. Well, I shouldn't say that I don't care. I really need the aid. Now all I have to do is wait about two weeks or so for them to tell me that they are willing to share some of that government green with me. Once I get this SAR form I can fill out my IEFC and they'll finish off whatever the FAFSA didn't cover (oh! the acronyms!).

I'm impatiently waiting. As soon as I get the letter confirming that my first year is paid for then I will let out the biggest sigh of relief and then celebrate like nobdy has ever celebrated before.

And then of course I'll continue to wait some more because I still have to apply for my student visa and buy the actual plane ticket.

Exciting times.

All that, dear readers, is basically the gist over everything that has been going on with me thus far. I'm limited on time, rushing all day, every day and working on trying to get at least a couple of things under control. I don't mind being busy, I just would like to be able to manage it all. This schedule that I have right now is definitely unmanageable. I have actually been so busy that I don't even have time to audio blog! I know. That seems virtually impossible.

Of course, throughout it all, whenever I get a moment, I check for updates on my regular reads. You guys are wonderful and I don't comment as much as I'd like, but I do read. I've got to have my fix otherwise I begin to develop a twitch and people tend to stare when that occurs.

Posted by Sam at 01:23 PM | Permalink

It seems like a typical hot summer's night but I won't let Mother Nature fool me again as she has done so before. My windows are open and I have my fan turned on low to create a slight breeze inside my small bedroom. It all feels very familiar and I am reminded in this moment how much I enjoy the warmer months.

Mel has gone to sleep and Momma is downstairs working on her homework, which leaves me upstairs wide awake with my thoughts. Perhaps it is the change in time but I am unable to sleep. Mel and I have just finished watching Pride and Prejudice (the newest version with Keira Knightley) and I thought that it was really good even though they cut out a lot of scenes.

It got me to thinking though about women back then and how women are today. If you think about all of the things that have changed for us, the differences are startling.

In today's society women are taught that they do not need a man in order to be successful. We are very capable of climbing the corporate ladder just as well (if not better) than any man. We can own our own house, buy as many fancy cars, hold a political office and do whatever we set our minds to. We have our own voice and we can stand tall on our own ground. Of course roads are still being paved for us and we are still battling certain things, but the playing field has definitely been leveled quite a bit. We also have numerous role models to look up to who have proven multiple times that it's all very much possible.

Its girl power all the way, baby.

However, back in Jane Austen's time, women didn't have as many privileges. The only "job" that you really had while growing up was to find a husband that could take care of you and your family, and if you actually enjoyed the company of your husband then it was considered an added bonus. People literally couldn't afford to be in love and the pool to fish from for eligible bachelors was incredibly smaller back then.

The rules were strict and it was practically impossible to get away with over half of the things that we get consider to be so casual these days. Back then, the slightest touch of one's hand was taken to be a bold move. That seems strange to think about nowadays when talking about sex is so open and accepted among so many.

I would be considered one of those guilty people who “lives in sin” (according to some) and is extremely open about certain topics. I even consider it to be a badge of honor that I wear proudly. I can easily sit back and joke with the best of them about blowjob etiquette and sexual fantasies. It's all very tame, at least to me.

But secretly, deep down, I envy those simple times when courting a woman was carefully thought out and planned. It is the hopeless romantic in me that lurks underneath all of the independence, stubbornness and pride. I may have been taught from a young age that I don't need a man to complete me and I can be whatever I choose to be, and I'm grateful that I was raised knowing that those options are there.

That doesn't mean that every so often I fall back into my soft pillows and dream about a day where I'm completely swept off my feet just like all of those other timeless women that we always read about in the legendary novels.

It would be nice to have a moment that appears to be taken straight out of a movie script and have a man who can see straight through all of my bullshit. He would show up randomly when I'm least expecting it, as a grand gesture that proves just how far he'll go for me. Then, of course, he would spout off an unrehearsed speech that is completely spontaneous, original and would tell me with absolute honesty just how much of a fool he is without me by his side. It doesn't matter where the speech would be either; we could be in the cliché pouring rain, alone late at night, in a crowded room in front of tons of people or even at the grocery store. It doesn't matter. He would be standing in front of me saying these incredible things, and what woman wouldn't want to hear these wildly romantic words falling out of the mouth that is attached to the man that she is also so hopeless without?

And after he was finished confessing just how much he loves me, I would in true fairytale fashion, lay a kiss on him that is so pure, so perfect that even Hollywood wouldn't be able to recreate such a moment in time.

That’s all crazy talk though. These days I’m too busy trying to find myself and learning how I’m going to stand on my own two feet. I live in Reality and I can’t think about being swept up in a whirlwind. Besides, things like that don’t happen often. Or perhaps they do happen and I'm just too busy to notice what’s happening right in front of my face. All I know is that when the time comes and I'm ready, I probably won’t settle for anything less.

Posted by Sam at 01:29 PM | Permalink

Every afternoon I sit in traffic with the exact same people.

Every. Single. Goddamned. Day.

We've become very close, the other drivers and I.

Since we do have a close relationship I believe that they wouldn't mind so much that I sit and daydream stories up about them. It's one of the things that I do to pass the time.

Of course I see many different characters each and every day but there are a couple who I see more than others.

First being the classic workaholic. These folks don't seem to understand that it's after 5pm and they can switch their cell phones off if they want to. They could think about the plans that they want to do on the weekend (that is if they aren't already working) or just unwind from the long day but they haven't even loosened their tie. I can tell that some of them are even in the middle of closing a major deal just because of all the extreme hand gestures that they do with such passion.

No afternoon would be complete without seeing the soccer moms who rule the roads with their mini vans and toting their chaps around who really like staring at me while we're stopped at a red light. They normally have a movie playing for the youngster(s) in the back while they're mentally making more lists of things to do for the next month or so. I can't seem to figure out how they stay so focused on the road while all of that madness is going on in their heads.

I also see a lot of construction workers who have tossed their hard hats in the back of their pick-up trucks and call it a day. Typically they have country tunes playing on their speakers and I can see the permanent dirt stains underneath their fingernails while they have one hand draped over the side of the window smoking their afternoon cigarette.

It's all very interesting to witness.

I know that there's probably more to them and a multitude of other layers than just the stereotypical image that I see, but I do see it.

And I wondered, what do people think of when they see me sitting here?

I'm sure they can quickly tell that I'm young and listening to my music loud, but that's a given. What I want to know is what they think beyond that.

Just by looking at me they wouldn't know that I'm a girl who is addicted to shopping (particularly buying shoes), who is controlled by my emotions and has a never ending list of bad habits. They wouldn't know that I'm the kind of girl who sticks my fingers directly into the peanut butter jar, who gets easily distracted by what's happening above in the sky or that I work all day in a mediocre job just to keep my head above water in the rat race.

They don't know that I'm scattered, live in constant organized chaos or that I'm the girl who let go of a wonderful man and questions every day whether or not it was the right decision. I'm the kind of girl who hates it when other people judge me but I quickly judge them without thinking twice about it. I'm the girl who loves to laugh, wishes on stars and who is trying to weave through all of the twists and turns that life keeps on surprising me with.

And from time to time I am the girl who is just really tired and sometimes wishes that somebody else would drive for a change.

Posted by Sam at 01:34 PM | Permalink

As we were getting ready this morning...

Me: "Momma, it's St. Patrick's Day and you're not wearing green. You're supposed to celebrate properly so where's your green?"

Momma: "It's in my pocketbook."

Me: "Haha, very funny."

**

Happy St. Patrick's Day y'all!

Posted by Sam at 01:35 PM | Permalink

Here's a little secret about me that I'll share with you.

At work, whenever I'm in the elevator alone or in the bathroom alone, I dance.

Oh yeah, you read that correctly.

It's SO much fun, I can't even tell you. The elevator doors close and then I can let loose for two floors and then as soon as the doors open up again, I've composed myself and nobody knows that only a couple of seconds ago I was shaking my tush in between floors.

In the bathroom we have a full length mirror. Occasionally when I'm wearing my high heels I'll do a "model walk" (damn that Project Runway) and then once I'm in front of the mirror I'll break dance like the girls in rap videos.

My god is it ever hilarious. I laugh and laugh and laugh so hard at myself until I'm crying and can't breathe.

Really. I wish I had the courage to record it and share it on my blog (actually I wish I even knew how to put video up on my blog).

Yesterday, however, I was interrupted during one of my dance offs.

Imagine you're in the bathroom, singing Pink's Stupid Girl song and doing the most crazy and insane dances (i.e. the running man, cabbage patch dance, and the chicken dance) just to make yourself laugh and someone walks in on you.

It's kind of embarrassing. Then again, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I mean, it isn't my own private bathroom with a lock on the door. The possibility of other people walking in is very likely.

So I pretended like I was looking at the back of my outfit in the mirror and humming to myself while red flames shot up from my neck to the top of my head.

You would think that I would be nervous from now on whenever I felt the need to randomly break dance in the elevators or the bathroom but I'm afraid that I'm not. One little incident isn't going stop me from backing my junk up in the mirror or shaking my hips from side to side in the elevator. Sometimes you've just got to get it out of your system.

Posted by Sam at 01:35 PM | Permalink

So here it is. My post updating you on the status of how things are looking for my future with college.

I know, its been a while. Do forgive me.

I'm sure you've all been sitting on the edge of your seat checking every day to see if I've posted anything about what I've been doing, what I've been researching and how things are in general on the university front.

And of course every day I post something random about work or the weather and you begin to scream at your computer screen hoping that your words will somehow be connected and I'll be able to hear your cries asking for updates.

"Come on, Sam! What the fuck is this bullshit you're talking about? I want to know about how things are going with college! What. Is. Going. On. REALLY! Are you even still going? Have you just quit everything? I need to know!"

Right. I'm sure you're all thinking that. At least you are in my warped mind.

Moving along...

Things are making slow progress. I still haven't submitted for my financial aid yet. That's not saying that I haven't tried, I've just run into a couple of hurdles and it's taking extra time to gather the needed information.

Apparently unless both of my parents have died, I've joined the military, or I'm Little Orphan Annie, then I have to put down Momma's tax information.

Let me just make it clear that this is NOT GOOD. According to the government Momma is considered "rich." Nevermind the fact that we still have a mortgage to pay every month, a whole crap load of utilities, food, and other general maintenance needs around the house. We also drive a lot so we're constantly filling up with gas, making any needed repairs on the car, updating our tags, stickers, and whatever else that the county feels we must do in order to live in our county, and did I mention that we have bills? Yeah, 'cos there's a lot of them.

This makes it a lot tougher for me to get any of that nice green stuff from the government. I guess they assume if your folks are loaded then they'll be assisting with your college needs which is so not even the case for me.

Now I'm playing around with the numbers off of her taxes to see if I can make it appear like we're not as rich as the government thinks and then cross my fingers in hopes that they'll give me a little more money. How sad is that?

And quite possibly illegal, but I don't really think about that.

Anyway, aside from the financial aid bit I have secured myself my own little room with my own little bathroom. Oh yeah and my own little room has my own little internet connection too. I've still got to find out if we have a laundromat (with dryers; I must have a dryer) and how soon we can begin sending things over, because I want most of my stuff to already be there for when I arrive.

I'm sure it's probably extremely premature to be thinking about how I want to set things up and the major cleaning that I'm already planning on doing but I won't lie - I'm excited. I'm already thinking about what clothes I want to bring and what I can leave behind or the things that I really need and what I can do without. I'm making lists and already going through the black hole that is my room and cleaning out junk that has been hiding in dark corners ever since we moved in.

There have been a couple of frightening discoveries but I got Momma to quickly dispose of them.

My mind has also been running away (that crazy little imagination of mine) and from time to time I find myself thinking of far off situations that may never happen but could happen. I try to shove them away and distract myself with other things because it's too early to be thinking about potential scenarios and having the What If's circulating around me.

Quite frankly, I just can't handle it.

And so that's it. I've pretty much got all of my bases covered other than the cash. As soon as that's taken care of a whole load of other worries will be relieved and maybe I'll be able to relax a bit before it's time for me to go.

Posted by Sam at 01:36 PM | Permalink

I guess I should just get it out of the way right now before I go any further.

I don't like doctors. I'm not a fan of any kind of doctor.

None. Zero.

If you have any kind of Phd attached to the end of your name, you can be gauranteed that I'll be a little wary of you and keeping a close eye on where your hands are.

Yesterday I had to visit the dentist. The doctor of the mouth.

Great.

The only reason why I even considered going and having my teeth checked was because I need new retainers. The ones that I have right now are pretty old and gross me out. Of course I still wear them almost every night so I can keep my teeth all straight and looking picture perfect. I just leave them sitting in listerine for most of the day.

Now I know what you're thinking. The dentist? Dentists don't make retainers, Sam. Orthodontists do.

I know this, however, the insurance that I got with my company doesn't cover any kind of orthodontic treatment for me. I didn't think I had to pick that option since I've already gone through the braces phase and what's the point in paying extra money every single month when I'm not going to ever visit an orthodontist again? All I needed were retainers so we specifically picked a dentist who does specialize in making those handy dandy retainers that I need.

So I set myself up an appointment to have my teeth cleaned and make another appointment to have my retainers made.

I went a couple of weeks ago. The hygenist said that I had beautiful teeth.

"Do you get your teeth bleached?" she asked me.

"Um, no."

"Wow, they're really white. Do you use those whitening strips?"

"Nope."

"Well what is your secret because they're amazing?"

"Um, I smoke."

*Awkward silence*

After my visit with the hygenist, there didn't appear to be anything wrong. She said that my teeth were gorgeous but I should set up another appointment with the dentist so he could do a complete oral exam (gosh, to me that just sounds so dirrty) since it had been so long since my last proper dentist appointment.

I complied and had my second dentist appointment scheduled. I wasn't sure about this whole "complete oral exam" she was talking about. It sounded kind of scary. What the hell were they going to do to me? I just needed molds to be made for my new retainers and then I would be out the door. I could really care less if I had any cavities or gingivitis. Those require treatment, and more treatment means more appointments, which means more excess pain, which means more money that has to be spent, which means, which means, which means...

All I wanted was my stupid retainers.

So yesterday was my "complete oral exam" with Dr. Cook and his assistant, Kitty.

Seriously.

I was so close from getting out of the chair and saying, "you know what? I change my mind. Thanks."

It didn't start off too badly. He did the usual feel around stuff and I laid there trying to find a spot on the ceiling that I could concentrate on. It all seemed pretty routine to me.

Then he brought out this long, shiny, sharp looking thing.

That definitely caught my attention and made my eyes get a little wide.

I shut my mouth and mumbled through pursed lips, "what's that for?"

"I'm just going to run this over your gums and check for gingivitis."

"Is it painful?"

"Nah, not so much. Go ahead and open wide for me please."

I frowned, took a deep breath, and reluctantly opened my mouth yet again.

I braced myself and decided it would probably be best if I just shut my eyes.

The next thing I knew he was jabbing my gums and calling out random numbers to Kitty.

"One, two, two, one, two, two, one, one, two."

I didn't understand what the numbers were about and didn't exactly care. All I knew was that he was probably doing something wrong because that metal thing that he was running along my gums hurt really bad.

Of course my mind went into serious over drive and I began to mentally cuss him out.

Oh you motherfucking asshole! What the fuck are you doing?! That shit hurts. Take that out of my mouth. Right. Now. Ouch! Oh, you cunt. You motherfucking cunt. I hate you. I hate you and your stupid assistant Kitty. I hate your momma. That's right. I talked about your momma. Oh fuck, that hurt! Okay, I was only kidding. I don't hate your momma. I'm sure she's a very nice lady. She's nice and she told you to stop hurting the nice girl with that sharp object. Ow. Oh good god make him stop."

After he finished I quickly closed my mouth and ran my tongue over my teeth to check for bleeding. There wasn't any, thank goodness. If there was he and I were going to have to take our conversation outside.
"Okay, Samantha. That's the end of your oral exam. Things seem to look fairly well. I only have one concern though which is the back molar on the bottom right hand side of your mouth. It appears to have grown in slightly crooked and it doesn't join your top molar when you bite down. I'm afraid I would be too worried about giving you new retainers before you consult an orthodontists."

"Are you serious?"

"Yep. Don't worry, we can refer you to one of our orthodontists if you don't already have one and - "

"No, you don't understand. I can't go to an orthodontist. My insurance won't cover it. I don't have the money either to pay for it myself. My only option is you guys."

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we won't be able to make retainers for you unless that back molar is corrected. We simply don't provide those kind of services here."

"Great."

They gave me all of the information for the orthodontist anyway in case I changed my mind or magically stumbled upon a couple of million dollars.

So I left the office with a sore mouth, one fucked up tooth, and an orthodontist number that I couldn't afford. To make myself and my mouth feel better I went to Baskin Robins and bought a hot fudge brownie sundae. They didn't tell me that I had any cavities so I figured it couldn't hurt anything.

Posted by Sam at 01:39 PM | Permalink

This was one of the best weekends that I've had in a long while. It was both a combination of lying around and doing absolutely nothing, but I also got a lot of things done that have been crying out for my attention for a couple of weeks.

It started on Friday when I did one of the nicest good deeds for no reason other than to be nice.

Really. Occasionally I get a wild hair and like spreading joy around. I'm not always a moody, whiny, bitch. I do good things from time to time just to make others happy. And, okay, I do it a little bit to make myself feel good too, but mostly it's for the other person.

There's a guy at work named, Ron. We all feel bad for Ron. We also love Ron a whole bunch. Right now he has one of the hardest jobs on the contract and everybody knows that he's a very busy man who puts in long hours and really wants this certain thing that he's working on to function properly.

This thing just doesn't feel like cooperating with him though and as a result, Ron gets yelled at a lot by a lot of different people for different reasons.

Bless his heart.

Lately when I see him upstairs I can tell that he's just having One Of Those Days. He seems really worn down and you can clearly see on his face that he needs a vacation. He's in desperate need of a beach with white sand and a drink with a tiny umbrella.

I couldn't give him a beach with the sand and a tiny umbrella in his drink but to cheer him up and put that lovely smile back on his face I decided that he needed some words of encouragement. I got him one of those You're A Great Boss cards (with sparkles of course) and had all of the people on his team sign it with a little note, and then I would get him a quirky gift that he could use at the office. It was brilliant.

So I did, and a lot of people signed his card, and I bought him a Barrel of Monkeys and a magic 8 ball, and then we sat it in his chair when he got up to get his lunch, and he was totally surprised, and then he came down to Momma's office where I was eating my lunch, and he said that it made his day and that they should do more good deeds like that around our office, and he really appreciated me doing that.

Mission. Accomplished.

I was feeling pretty good after I had cheered Ron up and that nice floaty feeling had stuck with me for the rest of the day.

I also talked to Mendy and she had bought The Strokes tickets. She actually got a little too happy with clicking away and bought eight of them. We had two choices between sitting down in the orchestra seats or up in our own private box that was slightly above the crowd. We chose the box seats. They're a lot farther away then we would have liked (being on stage would be perfect, obviously) but out of the two choices, those were the best seats in the house. She's selling the four extra ones on eBay if you want to see them in Washington DC. You know you want to. Go on.

Now it is official: We will definitely be seeing The Strokes on April 26th. Of course I'll let you all know how it is.

Mel also bought her own digital camera (affectionately named, Lola) that I have already confiscated as my own. It's this pretty Sony camera with...a certain number of pixels that I don't remember. All I know is that it's fancy and I like how the pictures turn up. Oh yeah, and that also means I can take random pictures and post them on here!

*The crowd goes wild*

Alright, maybe it's not that exciting, but for me this is a huge technological jump. This is our first real digital camera that isn't the size of a telephone and for me it's kind of a big thing. Let me roll around and properly revel in this new addition of our digital family.

I was going to get the pictures from the the Flogging Molly concert but Mendy and I were unable to get together at her house. She had to work on Sunday, and Saturday I was bogged down by a million errands that had to be taken care of. I did pay off my concert debts though and no longer owe her money for purchasing my tickets. I love not owing money.

Instead I guess I'll show you some of my pictures that I took with Lola on Sunday down by the pier in Alexandria. Check out the fabulous blue skies and the sparkling water. It was a little windy but one of the most gorgeous days that we've had in a long time. An exceptional feel good day.

Posted by Sam at 01:40 PM | Permalink

Ah, families. Aren't they great? I mean, there are just some things that I would never, ever, in a million years do in front of other people, but I'm perfectly comfortable doing in front of Mel and Momma. All of us fart, pick our noses, walk around in our underwear, and say some incredibly offensive things that we would never say outside of the safety of our own house for fear of being gunned down in the street. We're just really gross and plain rude if you want to get down to it.

But the one thing that I love the most is the fact that each of us can break out in song or start dancing, and eventually we'll all be singing and dancing around the house making absolute fools out of ourselves.

It feels good. You should try it sometime.

Last night as Momma was on the computer working on her homework (she's back in college y'all, three cheers for Momma), Mel and I were sitting on the couch reading and waiting for Gilmore Girls to come on. Suddenly out of the blue I started singing the words to All that jazz, and tried to mimic the way Catherine Zeta-Jones sang it in Chicago.

I'll admit, it wasn't my best rendition but I gave it a go and started at the end where it all gets big and dramatic because those are the best places to start.

"Noooo, I'm no one's wife but OH! I love my life! And alllllll thaaaaat JAAAZZZZZ!! That jazz. Uh."

Nobody looked up or asked me what I was doing, only because it's such a normal thing for us all. Random singing does not warrant any kind of attention.

Mel started singing at the beginning (where I should have started) until we were both eventually singing together in perfect harmony. At least our weird version of "harmony." Sure, we probably sounded a little off tune, but who cares? It's always fun to get up, sing Chicago songs and run around the house kicking our legs up high and working out our Jazz Hands moves. Just a typical evening for our family.

Well if I'm honest, singing All that jazz was simply a warm-up to what we sing every single Tuesday when we watch a new Gilmore Girls episode; Where you lead, by Carol King.

Oh, come on. I know you've heard the song. If I have to, I'll sing it for you. Maybe after I get Mel to sing with me though. We do sound really good together.

For us, singing Where you lead is almost like tradition. We've been doing the same thing for years. Years. It doesn't matter whether it's a new episode or an old episode, as soon as the song starts, we pick our lines and sing our little hearts out as if we were professionals who took our show on the road. There used to be a time when we would always eat a Mounds bar too while we watched, but I'm not sure why. Completely random thought, I know.

Anyhoo, there really isn't much of a point to this post other than we're a singing kind of family. In-the-shower-at-the-top-of-our-lungs-until-we're-blue-in-the-face kind of singing too.

Posted by Sam at 01:41 PM | Permalink

In the past week or so I've been asked four times by four different people, "what are your future plans?"

Why everyone is so curious about what I plan on doing twenty years down the road, I'm not sure, but I've noticed that I have a really hard time trying to answer that seemingly very easy question.

There are two answers:

The first one remains up inside of my brain.

"Well, there's no fucking way I'm staying here and doing this shit for the rest of my life, if that's what you're asking. I know that for damn sure."

The second one is my general answer that I tell everyone.

"Heh, well, um, you know...that is a very good question. Huh. My recent future plans? Or future-future plans?"

And then I shrug my shoulders, exhale a couple of times, awkwardly laugh, and stare at my feet. I'm so visibly uncomfortable.

It got me to thinking this weekend though...

What the fuck am I going to do after college?

Write? I'm going to be a writer? Okay. Well, where the fuck am I going to write at? Do I even want to write at a place? Can't I just stay at home and write? What do I want to write about? Do I have something to say? Something to contribute, bring to the table, and add to the massive piles of stories and articles that billions of people have already written? What kind of writer am I going to be? Why do I have to pick? Can't I leave my options open as to what kind of writer I want to be? Where would I even start? Are there certain rules?

I mean, I have to think about shit like this.

And then there's always the possibility that I won't be a writer. I could be rejected. I could be absolute crap and not know it. What if I suck and people don't like me? People may not want to publish what I have to say. Ever. I could be a big 'ole flaming failure. Then what am I going to do? Cry?

Probably.

So after I had a bit of an axiety attack, I thought a little bit more and figured that I have to be a writer. I have to be able to support myself through my words. That's the only way I'm going to make it. I already know I'm not fit for the Corporate World. It's not my bag of marbles. I'm not a buisness woman and don't plan on staying here for any longer than I have to. Although, it is nice to put on my resumé. It certainly looks really fancy. If I don't want to be in the Corporate World though, then where do I want to go? There aren't that many options left if you don't want to work in some kind of company.

In order for me to be truly happy with my career and the job that I'm going to wake up to every single morning, I want it to be with something where I can take my words, put them on paper, have them published somewhere, and add my two cents. In my perfect world, I would have my own little space in a magazine or newspaper where I could write something weekly. I don't know what I'd write about, how long it would be, or what kind of tone I would want to convey. All I know is that it would make me happy and that is where I would feel most comfortable. I could totally see myself doing that.

I'm not sure why, but I finally came to terms with it all this weekend. I mean, really came to terms with it. That's what I plan on doing. That's what I want to do. That's what I must do. All of these years I've been saying that I want to write, but in the back of my mind I never was entirely sure. I thought I could try a couple of things out, dabble in some other professions and see how they worked out, and if the writing thing magically fell in my lap, then I would definitely go with that. It's the only thing that I'm semi-decent at and what the hell have I been doing all these years taking creative writing classes in high school, and submitting my work to writing contests? Why am I even going to college for Creative Writing with English? Is it only a hobby? A way for me to unclog my brain and make a little sense out of the mess that resides in my head?

So I guess it's official now. I'm going to be a writer. I'm going to college so I can be a writer all the time for the rest of my life. This receptionist gig is only part time so I can work on becoming a writer. I am a writer.

I'll have to practice saying it a couple of times over.

Although now I really like seeing the looks on people's faces when I tell them that I'm going to be a writer.

Picture it. A room full of engineers. All they're used to are formulas, numbers, and an end result.

"What are your future plans, Sam?"

"I'm going to be a writer."

**Crickets**

**Blink**

**Blink**

"Wow. That's, um...wow. Great."

"Thanks."

They're not sure what to say. Hilarious.

It'll be tough, I'm sure, but I'm no longer going to bounce from anymore random jobs and pretend to be happy. I'm going to do what I love to do and if that means that I end up on a street corner living in a cardboard box and eating beans from cans, then that's okay.

I'll be happy with that.

Posted by Sam at 08:27 AM | Permalink

I get two visits each week from the Sun Dun guys. One guy re-fills the drink machine, the other guy re-fills the snack machine.

They come on separate days. I don't even think they know each other.

The guy who re-fills the drink machine is very talkative. He sounds like one of those cliché California surfer dudes. We normally talk aobut bar tender contests, music, video games, and how much soda he can consume in one minute.

The second guy who re-fills the snack machine however is not so talkative. He's very quiet and just likes to get his job done. Before we used to have awkward silent moments while he waited on somebody to come down and escort him upstairs. Now we have awkward silent moments while I sit and watch him count chip bags. I used to have one-sided conversations with him, hoping that maybe we could break the ice, but he would only answer by giving different facial expressions, so I figured that in some cases silence is the way to go.

Today he stopped by while I was sitting at my desk, sulking and giving everyone the silent treatment. I was more than happy to walk in silence.

I locked my computer and escorted him upstairs like I normally do. I flipped on our "disco ball" and sat in a chair while he did his normal routine.

Heavy thoughts weighed me down and I shrunk in the lounge chair. I was staring off in the distance at nothing in particular. People could tell something was wrong with me and got the message when I wouldn't respond to them and their questions.

They have admin positions in Florida. I can move to Florida for a little while. It can be a field package and they'll even put me up in a hotel. The cost of living is cheaper down there anyway. I can hang out, get some sun, and not be so goddamned stressed out. It'll be like a vacation almost. I'll have to talk to Momma obviously, Pops (I guess I should write about him sometime), and Lauren has already told me that there are spots. I don't need to stay here. I don't want to stay here. Fucking judgemental, half-wits that don't know shit about me and my situation. They can keep their goddamned opinions to themselves. I don't want their two cents. Fuck their two cents. Hypocrites. They can kiss my ass.

As I let my mind run off with potential solutions that weren't too far fetched, I heard some kind of sound in the distance. Was someone trying to get my attention? I couldn't tell.

I snapped myself out of my stupor and looked up.

"Would you like something while you wait?"

It was the SunDun guy whose name I still don't know despite seeing him every week for almost eight months.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"A snack? Do you want something while you wait?"

He held out some powdered doughnuts and a bag of chips.

I smiled and laughed a little bit.

"Are they fresh? I don't want any of that old shit."

"Of course they're fresh."

"Sure. I'd love some. Thanks."

I got up, decided on the powdered doughnuts and sat back down.

We didn't say anything afterwards just like usual, but it was okay.

I considered it to be one of Those Moments.

Posted by Sam at 08:31 AM | Permalink

Yesterday I didn't get home until nine o'clock. We had another open house to try and fill up all of these available slots that our company has open and it was a decent turn out. Nowhere near as much that we had originally predicted but good enough to not be a complete failure.

I did my small part to make sure that things ran smoothly, but it turns out that we had more than enough help and I was kind of just standing around like a potted plant feeling out of place.

Somehow, with the little bit of work I did, I found myself exhausted when I got in my car to go home. Mid-February and the air had a bitter chill as if it was still December.

Mid-February? Holy shit. I had actually been consumed by so much work that I completely forgot the date and realized what this Tuesday is.

The day that you either love or hate depending on the current state of your personal life.

Well if you want to get really current I can tell you that my personal life isn't so great. And by "personal" I mean, you know, that Special-Somebody-that-you-celebrate-with-on-that-Special-Day-that-Hallmark-thrives-on-in-order-to-survive-along-with-the-candy-industry.

I am solo this year.

Well, I was solo last year too if you want to get technical, but that was different. This year I'm even more solo than before.

I told myself this morning when I woke up that I wouldn't get down. I wouldn't let the sight of happy couples, roses, heart shaped candy with love messages on them, and sappy love songs get the better of me. It's just Tuesday after all. Nothing so special about Tuesday.

Until the gifts appeared.

"Roses for T. Please sign here."

"Oh, right. Sure."

*

"Flowers for V. Sign please."

"Sure, no problem."

*

"Candy and flowers for R. Please-"

"Yes, I know. Sign on the line. Fine."

*

Then I must make those phone calls letting them know that they have a package that has arrived.

"Hi, V, you have a package here at the front desk. No, I don't know who it's from. No, it's not in a brown box. I'm not sure where that package is, but it hasn't arrived. Flowers, you got flowers. Because you asked me to tell you what it was! No I didn't read the card. Do you want me to? Do you want me to open the card that you got from some special person and read it out loud to you over the phone, or would you like to come down here and just get it yourself?"

I hate being the receptionist sometimes.

It's not the fact that I'm jealous of all those couples who are going out to dinner tonight, watching movies, cuddling next to each other by the fireplace, sharing gifts, and gorging each other with chocolate while an orchestra plays At Last by Ella Fitzgerald in the background.

I'm really not.

The only thing that is really stinging me is the fact that even while we were together we didn't get to share those moments no matter how cheesy or corny some people may think they are. We had an entire body of fucking water between us. So we did what we could and made the best out of a not-so-great situation and still celebrated. Just not in the most traditional way.

So tonight I'm celebrating in a semi-traditional way. I'm going to go and spend some quality time with three very special men that I have gotten to know very well throughout the years. Ben, Jerry, and Mr. Jack Daniel himself. Perhaps not the greatest answer to my problems, but for the time being I'll be able to drink myself through this agonizing day and wake up on Wednesday without any recollection of what has happened, which is how I would like to spend my time and money this year.

Although, if you are spending today with That One Person, by all means, have a good day and don't let me and my sourpuss mood bring you down from that cloud that's being carried by miniature angels playing their harps. Really.

Have a happy motherfucking Valentine's Day.

Posted by Sam at 08:32 AM | Permalink

To Whom It May Concern:

Phone (home): 555/555-5555
Phone (work): 666/666-6666
Phone (work2): 777/777-7777
E-mail: myemail@work.com
E-mail: myotheremail@work.com
Address: I Live Here Circle

Posted by Sam at 08:33 AM | Permalink

There has been a new technology development in my household which I must share with all of you.

*Pause for dramatic effect*

Ladies and gentlemen, I am currently blogging from my bed.

Oh yes. From. My. Bed.

How is this possible you ask? With a wonderful little thing that we call "a wireless connection." Say it with me now. Wireless. Connection.

Crazy, no?

A while back, Momma updated our old, sad PC and bought a laptop with a docking station and all that jazz. You can unlock the laptop and tote it around with you wherever you go. The only downside? She never hooked up the wireless capabilities.

In my mind, I don't really see the point of having a laptop if you can't connect to the internet. I mean really, aside from using Word, I'm always on the internet. Always. I don't really use the computer for anything else actually.

So now that I'm able to receive the internet in my own room and I'm no longer forced to sit in that awful computer chair that we've had since the early nineties (I'm so not even exaggerating), I'm extremely excited about this.

Well, both excited and worried.

I'm worried that now I may never leave my room.

What's the point in me ever leaving now? Everything I ever need is litterally right at my fingertips. I'm blogging from bed for heaven's sake! I have my music, the internet, and a television all within reach. I no longer have to walk all the way downstairs just to check my e-mail. I have the option of staying underneath the covers with my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while listening to music and watching what happens outside in our parking lot down below.

Technology will never cease to amaze me.

Posted by Sam at 08:34 AM | Permalink

It was a little after 7:30 last night when I pulled into the garage.

Long day. Long week. Long life.

When will it be over with?

After I washed my face and changed into my jammies, I went upstairs to the kitchen and finished making my mashed potatoes for dinner. That's all I wanted, all I needed.

Give me mashed potatoes. Life will be complete and I can carry on so long as I get some mashed potatoes in my dying body.

Nothing else would do. I didn't want bread or meat to go with it. I just needed my comforting mashed potatoes to soothe my insides and give me that familiar feeling that lets me know even though things were hard this week, even though I'm on the verge of throwing up my hands and saying, "fuck you all and your goddamned problems!" eventually things will clear up and get easier.

Eventually.

I ate my mashed potatoes, drank my Capri Sun (it doesn't matter how old you are, those are awesome), and tried to remember the past few days. It was all mashed together though just like my potatoes. I could barely remember anything.

My new micro manager (aka Le Bitch) had another issue with me this week and apparently I'm not doing so well in her eyes. I'm the little fucktard that doesn't do anything except prance around and distract others from their very important jobs with the important tasks that do much more important things than me. Everything I do is wrong, everything I say is wrong, and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what I do or how I do it, I'll never be good enough in her eyes.

And that's okay. I never wanted to work for her in the first place.

Word has spread around the office; there are new rules that everyone must follow now that we are under the watchful eyes of Human Resources. I thought it was just me (oh, what an attention whore I am) but it's the entire program. I guess they weren't just moving all of HR under one roof. There were other intentions.

Now that I'm no longer confined just to my desk and have the ability to go upstairs where all of the Big Dogs roam around I'm beginning to understand why people complain so much. With each passing day I've been learning something new, I witness different things, and I'm seeing with naked eyes just how cut throat the Corporate World is. They're vicious and don't give a damn about you, your feelings, your work, or how much time you spend at the office. Who cares that you have a family that misses you and you've long forgotten what a social life is. So long as you produce the results that they need, then they'll let you stay an extra day, earn an extra buck.

I've had my small glimpse into this world, stuck my tongue out, tasted the very tip and got nothing but a sour taste.

Last night as I sat with my mashed potatoes I thought about all of my co-workers who have been living this life for years. My own mother who has dedicated herself to keeping The Machine afloat. What for? Everybody I talk to tell me the same thing over and over. I can't seem to understand though as to why somebody would want to stay in a job that makes the rest of their life miserable. They get to the point where they aren't even human anymore, they don't have feelings. They simply work and work and work until there's nothing left to work for. The only problem is that they've been working for so long that they don't even notice that everything has gone to shit.

I wonder how many of them really belong here too. I can see in a lot of my fellow co-worker's eyes a dream that they've either given up on or had to stop in order to jump on the Corporate Wagon for whatever reasons. I know they don't want to be here but are tied down. And it's sad.

I'm not an engineer, a business major, or a politician. I don't belong here playing this game without knowing the rules, without wanting to learn the rules. I don't fit in. I don't understand. I just don't.

But they're trying to make me fit in. They want me to understand. They would love for me to crunch numbers out to them all day long, put in 60-plus hours a week, juggle four different jobs while only being paid for one, and still manage to keep a smile upon my face. That's how they have some of these other people trained.

It's like those blocks that little kids play with. You've got the triangle, the square, a circle, maybe a star too, and you need to put the right blocks in the corresponding spaces. It seems really simple. We all know that you can't try and put the circle block into the triangle space. It won't fit. It doesn't matter if you take a hammer to the circle and try to force it in, the two simply don't match.

And yet they're still trying to force me into a space where I don't belong.

I tell myself that I don't want to be here anymore. I need a change, a place where I'm not always wrong, a place where I do fit. Not this business corporate bullshit. It just isn't me and I can easily see myself sinking lower and lower into the sand. Where I do need to go or wherever I do belong, I'm not too sure of yet. All I know is that at the end of the day, I don't want to come home and eat nothing but mashed potatoes again.

Posted by Sam at 08:35 AM | Permalink

It was sort of late notice but Mendy and I decided to get together for a couple of hours before she went to work on Saturday. We normally don't get that many chances to just simply hang out with each other because of our busy schedules. Things tend to get a little complicated when one person works full time all week and the other goes to school for most of the week and normally works on the weekends.

I woke up and got ready like usual and made it out the door by 11am. The traffic thickened as I continued to drive towards Alexandria but it was a steady flow. I had the smooth, mellow sounds of Norah Jones playing through the speakers while Mother Nature decided to share with us that annoying, misty rain that doesn't do much other than piss off a lot of people.

**

My past with other "best girl friends" hasn't been the greatest. I've had to deal with a lot of two-faced, back-stabbing bitches that mostly just used me for one thing or the other. I had an "innocent face" and when we would walk in class late together, the teacher always believed my stories. I could get others to do our homework for us as we managed to scrap along with barely passing grades, and in return, they let me hang out with them. It was a sad tale really.

For some odd reason I believed that these so called "best friends" and I had this connection; we were one in the same and nothing would go wrong so long as we were together. You would think after the second or third best friend I would have caught on, but that didn't turn out to be the case. From the seventh grade and onward throughout high school I had a new best friend with each passing year. They became disposable to me just like I was disposable to them and over time I had built up this wall against all unknown females. I was quick to judge, pick apart, and hold grudges against women I didn't know at all. A trait that I still carry today but am slowly working on changing.

Mendy and I met my last year in high school. We had the same gym class and I soon learned that even though she was two years younger than me she was a lot more wiser in many ways. While we would sit on the sidelines watching all of the other students run around in circles, I took notice of her electric personality and how she seemed very put together. She had a plan and I was the lost girl who didn't know what to do with my future. A match made in heaven. It wasn't long before we found ourselves hanging out on the weekends.

Whenever I sit back now and count the days, it's very hard to believe that we've only known each other for three short years. It easily feels like twenty years have already passed; although, our friendship has morphed into so many different things that we could have already shared twenty years together. We've had our arguments, learned each other's personalities, laughed together, cried together, danced together, sang together, traveled together, and have grown together so much. With all of that growing, our friendship is on an entirely different level now and we're so much more understanding of one another. She is, hands down, my all time best girl friend, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

**

As I drove down the familiar streets in Old Towne, I slowly parked on the side of the road (I hate parallel parking) in front of her house and called her cell phone.

Mendy: "Hello."

Me: "Let me in, let me in, let me in! It's raining and cold."

Mendy: "Okay, see you in a sec."

I walked up the stairs to her front door and just as I reached for the handle the door opened. I walked inside, through her living room and upstairs to her room. The band posters covered most of her yellow walls and I flopped on the bed while she finished getting ready.

Mendy: "So what do you want to do?"

Me: "I need some food. I'm starving. Where do you want to go?"

Mendy: "No clue, but some food would be great right now."

Me: "What about Applebee's?"

Mendy: "Oh yeah! Applebee's is our place."

Me: "Sounds good."

It was as if no time had passed by us even though we had so many new stories to share, new experiences that we needed to fill the other person in on. We just picked up where we had left off.

After lunch we went back to her house and hung out. I told her about how potential candidates can't understand my accent when I leave them messages, the crazy times out with Lauren, and my future college plans. She told me about her current heart throb (adorable, by the way), and how things are going with her college courses. We talked about taxes, music, men, relationships, the past, present, and future. Life in general.

She had to be at work by four o'clock though, so around 3:30, we gathered up our pocketbooks, slid on our shoes, and hopped into our cars. Even though we drove off at the same time and were headed in the same direction we eventually had to split off and go our different ways.

Posted by Sam at 08:36 AM | Permalink

Leah tagged me and I was so excited because for the past couple of weeks I've seen this tag roaming around on some of my favorite blogs and all I kept on thinking was, "gee, I hope somebody tags me on this one. I want to do it."

And now I have been! Thanks, Leah.

Four jobs that I've had:

A slight challenge considering I haven't been out in the work force that long. I had to dig back and remembered a crucial job that I took very seriously.

1. I ran the snack counter with Bill at the Youth Center when we lived in North Dakota. Friday Fun Nights wouldn't have been complete without all of the kids hyped up on soda and cotton candy.

2. Sandwich maker at Jersey Mike's. You name it, I made it, wrapped it, and served it with a smile.

3. I was supposed to do data entry for a company who had a grand jury case that was fighting against pharmacists who sold prescription drugs online. Instead I sat in the office and spent my days dreaming what would be outside of my window if I could paint one on the wall.

4. I worked in the wire room for a bank and transferred large sums of money to people all over the world who probably didn't deserve it.

Four movies I could watch over and over:

1. Breakfast at Tiffany's
2. Almost Famous
3. Follow the Fleet
4. The Professional

Four places that I have lived:

1. Denver, Colorado
2. Minot, North Dakota
3. Gastonia, North Carolina
4. Alexandria, Virginia

A small handfull of course.

Four TV shows I watch:

1. Sex and the City
2. Gilmore Girls
3. CSI
4. Veronica Mars

Four places I've vacationed:

1. Orlando, Florida
2. Mrytle Beach
3. Manitou Springs, Colorado
4. London, England (which as we all know was not just any ordinary vacation.)

Four of my favorite dishes:

1. Five Guys hamburgers with cajun fries.
2. Spaghetti.
3. Cousin Janice's southern home cooking.
4. Anything from Chik-fil-A.

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Melissa.
2. Erik.
3. Ash.
4. Hack.

And many, many more.

Four places I would rather be:

1. London. (Durr)
2. In bed, under the covers, watching SATC, eating rainbow sorbet.
3. Driving in my car with all of my music.
4. The pier.

And I'm tagging...

Voodoo, Melissa, Brian, and Mendy.

Posted by Sam at 08:37 AM | Permalink

Last Wednesday I was on one of the wildest emotional rollercoaster rides I've been on in quite a while. It was a crazy mixture of boredom, shock, excitement, disbelief, happiness, terror and then sheer anxiety.

Yes, in that order.

**

"So you've made it upstairs now, huh, Sam? I guess they'll let anybody up here nowadays."

"Haha, very funny. And yes, I'm up here now and I don't require an escort."

"Well congratulations. It's a good feeling, isn't it?"

By that I'm sure he meant it's an overwhelming feeling. I really wasn't expecting to be cleared on that particular Wednesday, but it happened and in a blink of an eye I was sitting in the security office getting briefed, signing papers and getting my extra badges.

It wasn't until I finally took a break to go to the bathroom before lunch that I realized the full capacity of what had happened.

I was washing my hands when I looked up and saw the badges dangling from my neck. There they were. Two small, very simple badges that stood for so much. I began to get a bit emotional and was filled up to my eyes with...something. I can't even say what it was. Patriotism perhaps, pride, and just proud to be officially serving my country in my small way.

I took a deep breath, composed myself, and marched out feeling special and grateful for something that I never asked for or understood until that very moment.

The lab and I decided to celebrate at Ruby's since Uncle Ric and I got cleared on the same day.

Me: "I hear that y'all have gone corporate now, Kevin. Is this rumor true?"

Kevin: "I'm afraid so, yes. As Ric says, 'we're no longer the red headed step child.' They've actually given us work to do."

Me: "What? Work? Where am I going to hang out now?"

Well nowhere after that lunch. After I made my way back downstairs around three o'clock that afternoon, M waved me into his office and asked me to sit down.

Me: "What's wrong? Why do you look so worried?"

M: "It appears that we have a problem."

Me: "What do you mean? What kind of problem?"

M: "J isn't too happy with you."

J moved in about two weeks ago from a different location. They decided to put all of HR in the same building (which only makes too much damn sense) and I was informed that I would report to her from now on since I was supporting the HR department. I would still be doing my admin duties, but I'd also be doing more HR things. It would be split 50-50.

Me: "Great. She hasn't even been here a week and I've already managed to piss her off. What's it about anyway?"

M: "Let's just say she isn't impressed and I would watch yourself. She wasn't too happy when she left here today. I think she wants to talk to you about it."

Fuck. M wasn't giving me any clues and the first thing I could think of was "my blog." They've finally disocovered it. I'm going to be sacked. I'm going to be sacked and I'm going to lose my clearance all in one day. It'll be a new record, I'm sure.

That night as I lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling, I was thinking up every possible thing that J may want to talk to me about. I thought of our conversation, how I would answer her, where I would place my hands, the tone of my voice, and making sure to keep steady eye contact the entire time.

I only got three hours of sleep.

**

On Thursday I made it to work realtively early and saw J. She gave me no indication that she was upset or had any concerns with me. It was just like any other day except that I was a fumbling fool who was blatantly nervous and afraid to be in the same building as her. I dropped many things in the kitchen, stepped on her foot while she was making coffee, and felt my face burning red.

Not a good start.

In the afternoon (she made me wait the entire day because she was "stuck in meetings"), I sat in her office with SuperAdmin (she thought it would be good for SuperAdmin to sit in with us since I report to both of them) and we began discussing my roles in the office.

It turns out that it had nothing to do with my blog. J just couldn't find me and thought I was committing timecard fraud, which in my opinion is a little worse than them finding out that I have a blog, but I could account for all of my hours and where I was so it wasn't as scary as I had thought it was going to be. That's what I get for being a paranoid drama queen.

The only thing that came out of that meeting though is that I have to remain at my desk all day unless I tell J where I'm going. Oh yeah, and I only get an hour for lunch, so no more hanging out with lab for ages and calling it "work." Momma has to pick Mel up from work now since I cannot leave under any circumstances until 5pm.

I discovered that J is a micro manger and I fucking hate it.

Now with all of these new rules and being fully aware that J is watching my every move like a peeping tom, I remain planted in my chair for my full eight hours and don't even think about leaving the building for lunch. I order in, brown bag it, or quickly run upstairs to the machines. I'll be damned if I have her report me for anything.

On the semi-brighter side, I've decided that if she wants to know where I am of every second of every day, then I'm going to make sure she's completely informed.

Every single time I need to get up and leave my desk for any reason, I walk into her office and let her know. When she's on the phone, when she has a visitor, or when she's busy typing diligently on her computer, I make sure she knows.

Yes, even when I have to go to the bathroom.

And of course I make sure that she knows when I'm back downstairs. It's only right.

I can already tell it's bugging her, because now that I've got access to upstairs, I have to leave a lot more than before. She does seem easily peeved.

It's the simple things that I enjoy and take pleasure in.

**

It turns out that while I had all of this drama playing up in my head, my workload tripled over night. With this great privilege comes a lot of extra work and extra walking. I'm now constantly running around trying to get things sorted and organized while making sure that I haven't been gone for too long, heaven forbid somebody isn't there to answer the phone. The word spread quickly that I have access upstairs and people are asking if I'd like to volunteer for one program or the next. I just give them their mail and continue on. I like my role at the moment and don't plan on leaving anytime soon.

I get stopped in the hallways and have people hand me more FedEx envelopes, expenses, old timecards that should have been turned in weeks ago, and lists that have been made for me to order more supplies from Staples. I leave with more things then I came with and don't understand why. I have to escort people now (which is not the most interesting thing to do), and hunt down project managers. I fix their phones, update lists, and coordinate more calendars. It's exactly how I thought it should have been when I first started work, and I'm damn excited about it.

We had a new admin girl start today. Her name is Jackie and she seems alright. Okay, she seems nice. There, I said it. Happy? I said something nice about a girl I don't know. I'm trying really hard not to write her off and give her the cold shoulder because I'd hate to say that we'll never be friends and then have her end up being just like Lauren.

She was already cleared and moved upstairs right away.

Even though I say she's nice, she took my desk. The desk that I've had my eyes on ever since I started working in the new building. The desk that D gave up because she left for a different company that gave her an $8,000.00 pay raise. That was the desk I wanted, the desk that I would dream about, that I already had set up mentally in my brain.

She took it.

So while I say that she seems nice and I'm trying very hard not to judge and hate her with every fiber of my being, I secretly hope that maybe she's a little overwhelmed with all of the daunting work that she has ahead of her (staffing and PDS papers; trust me, it's a mountain load of work) and snaps like a twig under the pressure.

What?

**

With all of these new tasks and new responsbilities that I'm keeping up with, I find time to sneak away and take a break. It's only for a couple (read: fifteen or twenty) minutes, but I really do need to get away every so often. My desk downstairs is like the black hole that sucks all the life out of me. It's not good, really.

So I've discovered a new "hiding place" so to speak.

Kevin's office.

Kevin has a nice office on the back side of the building with a perfect view of the airport. I could sit and watch the airplanes land and take off all day. It's wonderful. I hear their engines and watch them glide down from the sky. A little distracting maybe, but in a very good way. And with his office being on the back side of the building, he doesn't get that many visitors.

If I've been walking around the labyrinth in my 3 1/2 inch high heels for a while and need to give my feet a rest, I duck into Kevin's office, face his extra chair towards the window, pull my feet up so I'm sitting cross legged, and prop my elbows up in the window so I can rest my chin in the palms of my hands.

And there I sit. I take a deep breath, get away, and I'm left alone.

Of course Kevin is still in there but he doesn't care. He's too busy working on his computer or leaving voicemails for people that he hardly notices me. I don't notice him that much either. It all gets muffled anyway and I can easily fade him out and get lost in my own small world.

So even though I have FedEx enevelopes down by my shoes, and my To Do list is sitting patiently in my back pocket, right now it doesn't matter. I know it'll get finished, but at the moment I've got Other Things swirling in my head. Other Things that have been waiting, gently nudging me and bugging me. No matter where I am, no matter what time it is, I can feel their constant pressence reminding me about him. I can feel them desperately wanting me to take them out of my chest, hold them in my hands and blow them away into the sky so they're no longer creating so much pressure for me.

I don't listen though. I run away from my Other Things yet again and distract myself. I find comfort in The Postal Service and play their songs inside of my head while I tell myself that I need to get back to work. I slide my shoes back on, fix Kevin's chair, and walk out with their lyrics playing on repeat...

And I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving.

Posted by Sam at 08:41 AM | Permalink

I shall be M.I.A. for the next couple of days, perhaps weeks, just in case any of you were interested.

It appears that I have been slightly compromised at work and have to scale back on the posting from my desk. I'm currently deciding whether I want to scrap this entire site and start anew somewhere else and only give the new link to a select few. Who knows? I'm hoping that if I can cut back some of my posting time from work maybe the whole thing will blow over and I can continue on like normal.

However, if the day does come when I have to delete this blog and come up with a new place to store all of my ramblings (lord knows this little mishap isn't going to keep me from blogging), then the only real concern I have is how to move all of my old posts. I definitely want to keep them and maybe stash them away at the new place. Call me a complete computer illiterate dumbo, but I don't know how to do some of the simple tasks that most find to be second nature.

Oh yeah, and to think of a new name. I hate coming up with a new name.

So if anyone has any helpful computer tips as to how I can bring along some of the old to the new, shoot me an e-mail. It would be greatly appreciated.

No worries, I'll eventually be back.

Posted by Sam at 08:45 AM | Permalink

Now that the new year has kicked off and everyone has arrived back from their holidays, my time at work has slowly started to get a little more busy as the days lean forward into the calendar. Luckily I'm not so overwhelmed that I'm on the verge of going absolutely mad and holding reports and FedEx packages hostage while standing up on my desk and requesting for some time off.

The transition seems to be going nice and smooth, and I'm able to keep up with everything that is work-related. That's the good news.

The not so great news is that I'm letting other things in my life slip off to the side while I focus on whatever happens to be right in front of my face at that particular moment.

I forget about e-mails I need to respond to, phone calls that need to be made, words that must be shared, arguments that need to be finished, and applications that have to be filled out. It's not that I have given up on anything I'm just not able to gather any kind of motivation whatsoever. It's so much easier to step back and shrug my shoulders.

Eh, I'll get to it tomorrow.

I don't know what happened or why I've decided to take this route but it's bugging the shit out of me. It's like I've stepped into a giant hole of quick sand and instead of trying to figure a way out, I just stand there and think, "the less I move and try to do anything, the longer I'll be able to keep my head above the sand. It'll all be okay."

The method doesn't work. Eventually your head will be covered with sand and you'll suffocate. I should have been looking around for a rope or somebody who could toss me something and pull me out.

This past weekend I got into an argument with Momma. It was one of our classic arguments that we tend to have every couple of months. I'm not sure why, we just do and it has even got to the point where I can guess correctly what she's going to say to me.

I'm sure others have had a similar conversation with one or both of their parents:

Parent: "You're not going anywhere, you're not saving money, you don't appear to be doing anything to change this fact, and you'll whind up living here for the rest of your life."

Kid: "You're always so negative about everything. Why do I even try and explain things to you? All you're going to tell me is how much of a fuck up I am and that I'm going about everything in the wrong way."

Parent: "I only tell you these things so you can prepare yourself for what's ahead of you."

Kid: "When are you going to understand that I need to learn things for myself? It doesn't matter what you tell me, if I don't do it myself, fall on my face, and get back up on my own two feet, I'll never learn."

Parent: "Well when are you going to understand that you're being extremely irresponsible and need to learn how to own up to your mistakes."

...and blah, blah, blah, blah...

It never fucking ends.

So now we're not talking to each other. Our townhouse has become an emotional battlefield where we try to avoid running into one another and exchange quick glances. We're both so stubborn that we refuse to suck up our pride and apologize to one another, and for some unknown reason would prefer to have awkward, silent moments.

It gets to be too much.

I've also managed to royally fuck things up with, Ash.

Yes, I'm telling you this with the great potential that he may be reading, but that's okay. I just need to get it out of me.

A couple of weeks back I fucked up my No Smoking Plan and lost my bet that I had going with him. For a while there was lots of drama, drama, drama. The kind of drama that I hate and yet still fueled with my lack of communication.

I'll spare you all of the day-to-day details of what was streaming through my brain, but needless to say it wasn't pleasant and drove me crazy. I eagerly flung myself into the Here and the Now. Lauren and I would run off and keep ourselves entertained while I forgot that I have problems that need to be dealt with. Instead we floated through our days while laughing at our inside jokes and pretending that everything was fabulous.

We're all fabulous. Everything is fabulous. The more I think that it's fabulous, the more real it'll become.

So we are in an uncertain in-between moment. I'm not sure what to do, what to say, how to act, what to think, how to feel, and I constantly question myself.

And I still smoke.

On top of all of that fun emotional stuff, I've got the rest of my financial aid papers to fill out. Oh, I fucking hate that goddamned application. Everytime I pull it out and start filling in the blanks I can hear it's laughter. The fucking paper mocks me.

My untied laces. Sooner or later I'm going to trip and fall because of them.

Posted by Sam at 08:49 AM | Permalink

My knees hurt.

I think I'm coming down with another cold.

Riders On The Storm by The Doors is playing right now.

This weekend blew.

I learned today that I can't spell for shit.

During lunch I finally picked up a package that our cousin, Janice, sent us for Christmas last week.

I took my Christmas decorations down in the office. I had a sad moment.

D's last day was this past Friday. Now we only have two admins; myself and SuperAdmin. Work should be even more fun.

I was supposed to order more printer paper for upstairs a week ago. I totally had a brain fart and forgot.

The telephone has rang two times today. That's all.

The waitresses at Bungalow Billiards know me now. I can order alcoholic drinks without showing my ID card and will no longer be known as the girl who orders iced tea and somehow magically becomes drunk off her ass.

I have a bad case of The Mondays.

Posted by Sam at 08:49 AM | Permalink

Voodoo has tagged me and I must list five strange things about myself in no particular order. I'm sure I can easily come up with more than five, but you've got to limit yourself right?

Now then...

1. I'm a complete OCD clean freak but my car is the only place where I let myself go. It's always full of trash and occasionally I'll have to kill the random bug of the week. I also make sure that people have been immunized in the past 90 days before they brave being a passenger.

2. When I was younger I couldn't sleep with any mirrors in my bedroom. I was afraid of the Bloody Mary stories and believed she would come into my room through the mirrors and kill me while I slept.

3. I eat tomatoe and ketchup sandwiches, and they have to be cut down the middle. Not diagonally, not from side to side, or with the crust cut off. Just top to bottom otherwise I won't eat it.

4. I like to think that I'm psychic. I'm not.

5. I only eat the red and orange gummi bears.

I'm tagging anyone who would like to tell us five random, strange things about themselves. Go ahead. Share with the rest of us.

Posted by Sam at 08:59 AM | Permalink

Today is the first day of work that I've spent sitting at my desk. The rest of the time I have been in the lab hanging out with my extended family. I would probably be in there today also but they had to attend some kind of meeting/conference thing, therefore I was forced to sit here.

Around 10:30am though I thought I just might shoot myself. I was so bored, the internet went down, and I was becoming ancy.

I've been in a bit of a funk also for the past week or so and am refusing to properly deal with it. I know where the problem is stemming from but I'm not sure how to get down the roots. Instead I grab an ink pen, push my chair out and crawl under my desk.

Yes. Crawl under my desk.

You see, the ink pen is my excuse. If somebody were to walk in and find me down on the floor, I could just say that I dropped my pen and had to bend down to get it. Fabulous, right? Okay, so maybe it's a little weird but it's nice at the same time.

At my old job when I had to enter data all fucking day I would regularly do this. I didn't like my job and was painfully aware that I needed a serious change for myself. On the floor, under the desk, is where I could get away and did most of my best thinking. On the plus side, I also had a door and was able to shut that as well.

I propped myself up against the desk walls and shut my eyes. I could hear the construction workers down the hall who have been making noise for the past three weeks. It's nothing but men shouting orders at each other, hammering, drilling, reminding the poor sod who has to grab lunch not to forget cheese on Ted's burger, carrying ladders, and running wires all over the place. I can hear the hum of my computer too and soon become comfortable where most people would never be found.

The construction noises fade out and before I know it the only thing that I can hear are my own thoughts that have been stabbing me every chance they can get.

What are you going to do?

You're an awful person. You knew it would never work. He doesn't want you to and you can't stop.

What happens now?

I can't keep on making false promises.

It's best if you quit the cycle and separate for a while. None of this is fair on either one of us.

I don't want to separate. We're too good together.

I should call. Swallow your goddamn fear and call.

What's he thinking though?

Call and find out.

Perhaps another e-mail would be best?

Coward.

The thoughts continue and I open my eyes. I'm no closer to an answer than I was before. I suppose there really isn't an answer. I unfold my legs and get back in my chair. Thirty minutes have passed by without anybody stopping by. The in-between week of Christmas and New Years is always a quiet one. Well, aside from the construction workers.

The internet is back up and I check my e-mail for the hundreth time. Nothing new. No response. Not even any junk mail. I stand up and walk over towards the window. It's a wet and gloomy day but feels fitting at the same time. We haven't really had much crap weather recently and I find some comfort in the grey skies.

I go back to my desk, grab Mini, put on my jacket and head downstairs. I can't sit anymore. I go out to the side of the building, pull out a fag and start smoking.

If I didn't have a strict rule about crying in public I would have broke down right there in the rain.

Posted by Sam at 08:57 AM | Permalink

I remember exactly where I was this time last year. I was lying on my couch in the apartment we used to live in waiting impatiently for December 26th to arrive. I was either daydreaming to myself about everything that I wanted to do, mentally piecing my outfits together that I wanted to wear, or most of the time I was on the phone with Mendy and we would imagine every single possible situation that might happen to us while we were there.

Christmas was no longer The Major Event that was taking place at the end of the year. Oh no. Now we were consumed with New Years and London. New Years in London.

It quickly became an obsession for both of us. That's all we would talk about, every time we went shopping it was for things we would need while we were in London, and we created an itinerary for all of the tourist-y things we wanted to do. Every single day that we would be there we had a plan for it and it would be perfect. Beautiful. Amazing. Nothing and nobody would get in our way. That's all that was on our brain around the clock. We ate, slept, and breathed nothing but London.

It all felt a little anitclimactic. I mean, here the both of us were easily getting our hopes up and blinded by our own thoughts and predictions. We didn't really sit down and truly consider the fact that there might be a tiny possibility that things may not work out exactly as we had planned. Anything less than our perfect scenarios was unacceptable and immediately tossed aside.

Of course everything else is history. Once we finally arrived and stepped off of the plane into Heathrow Airport we began the life altering experience that would stick with us for the rest of eternity. Everything did magically happen exactly as we had planned it for two months. It was one of those rare moments when you can't remember how everything happened or how you made it to this place where everything is perfect, but you're filled with happiness up to your eyeballs and you really don't care about how it happened or how you got there so long as it never ends.

Never ends.

This year I'm stranded in America with no plans of leaving anytime soon. Or anytime soon enough. I didn't know that something small like experiencing cold weather every day would be such a strong reminder for me. All I can keep on imagining everytime I step outside is all of us walking around in the cold weather. Me with my red pea coat, Mendy with her scarves, and Ash showing us the way to so many different places. It only takes half a second and before I know it, my mind is right back in the middle of London. I don't even have to concentrate hard so that my mind can focus on the memories. They're all easily pulled up from my mind in a split second. The people, the cars, the noises, and smells. I can see my breath clearly and listen to all of the different accents that swarm around me. I remember how the sunlight hit all of the buildings and standing out on Ash's balcony smoking my fags and taking in all of my surroundings. All of the small intricate details that some people may not pick up on are all cemented in my memories. How does one forget so easily something that was so huge?

I had to force myself to quit re-living the days when we were there after we got back. It was far past the point of being unhealthy and I wasn't happy in the present. For six months I drowned myself in memories, tears, and frustration. Every single lyric in every sad song that played I could relate to. All I could keep on telling myself was that I wasn't happy unless I was in London, and that was crazy. The depression ate me alive, corrupted my mind, and I had turned into some strange person that I didn't recognize. How could I have let myself get to this point? The point where I wasn't simply happy with what I already had? I wasn't some sad, self-absorbed, fumbling, crazy, manic-depressed, whining, annoying chump.

Eventually I managed to get myself on a track that didn't leave me running in circles like a small mouse. Things seemed to be working out for a change and I was convinced that this would be a piece of cake, a walk in the park, smooth sailing. I had a plan and as long as I stuck to that plan, I would be able to have it all. Everything was positive, I was optimistic, and things seemed to be on the bright side.

So far, so good.

That is until something small and random that comes from nowhere hits me straight in the face that immediately brings all of those fresh memories up to the surface.

Things like walking in the cold weather with my red pea coat for instance.

It's not as easy to shake the images that fill my brain. They reel in my mind all day like a movie and I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on simple tasks that I do all the time. It is distracting. With New Years looming just around the corner a lot of people are asking me if I'll be going back to London to visit for a little bit. I have to do the polite, "nope, not this year. We'll be sitting it out." They normally don't understand that answer and have this very quizical look on their face. To everyone I am known as the "London Girl," and for me to not be visiting during the holidays doesn't quite fit.

"Not this year? Oh, how come? I thought your boyfriend lives over there? Are you two not together anymore? Tell me you're still going for college."

And then I must explain that yes, we're still together, I simply can't afford it and I'm saving my cash for college. The so called "responsible" thing.

From there nothing good happens. I continue to explain to them my current situation with as little details as possible and move on with my day knowing even more that we'll really be sitting it out.

Really be sitting it out. I won't be there.

I had no idea this would be something that made my insides crumble. I don't want to be sad and depressed about the fact that I'm not going over to visit for the New Year. It sucks, sure, but it shouldn't be effecting me this much. I should be able to do simple things like eat. I find it hard to eat, yes. Getting out of bed every morning has become more than just a struggle. It's an every day obsticle for me. I find myself falling further and further behind. I don't care about work and disappear every chance that I can get and take hour long breaks. I come in late, leave early, and have a general crappy attitude for the most part. My memory has been shot to hell (*at least with everything that deals with the present day) and I'm just a useless human being.

Oh, I know that I probably sound like a big huge baby. "Waa, waa, waa! Poor Sammi can't go to England. Boo-fucking-hoo." I'm just in a whiney mood I guess. Whiney and annoying. Although I can honestly say that I was in no way prepared or expecting this to happen. How was I supposed to know that I'd be so goddamned depressed about this? I thought I had dealt with it weeks ago when I sat down with my bank account and noticed quite easily that it just wasn't going to happen. Not unless I won the lottery or discovered that I had a very rich uncle that passed away and left me his fortune. It was an unpleasant surprise for sure.

It does become exhausting after some point. Putting every ounce of energy that you can muster up into this one dream that isn't coming to you fast enough. You try to find the loop holes, jump through millions of hoops, and deal with the hurdles and yet there still isn't anything that you can grasp on to. Your patience begins to lower while your frustration bar rises, and ever so slightly, even though you'd never admit to yourself let alone another person, you lose a little hope that it may ever happen.

I just feel so fake. Around everybody I try so hard to stay in the holiday spirit and act like how I normally would if the circumstances were different. If I was different. I just want to shrink away for a little while though. Take a trip any place where the people don't know my name, I have no personal attachment, and I can forget just for a short while that I am London Girl. Some place with sunshine, ocean waves, and cold drinks. The cliché definition of paradise.

Or, would it be so bad if I took the rest of the year off and hibernated in my room? That right there is enough of paradise for me.

Posted by Sam at 09:00 AM | Permalink

On Friday after I drove Mel and myself back home from a long week, I did my nightly ritual of changing into my jammies and flopped on the couch. Traffic was extra nasty for a Friday and I was looking forward to lying around and not doing anything all night.

I wasn't even still for two seconds before Mel entered the room with the phone in her hand.

Mel: "Here. Talk to Momma. She wants you to go to the spa and take her massage for her."

Me: "What? No! That's for her."

Mel: "Dude, she's running late and doesn't want the money to go to waste."

Last year for Christmas, Mel and I got Momma this nice package deal at the nearby Tranquility Spa. It's on a small little corner that is very nice, out of the way, and away from society a bit. We thought Momma would love it since she's constantly on the go and never takes time out for herself. Almost a year later she finally decides that she wants to go.

The coupon included an hour and a half full body massage, pedicure, manicure, and facial. Since they were really booked, they decided to split her sessions up. Instead of having a full day at the spa, she would make two separate appointments; one for her massage and the other day for her mani, pedi, and facial. Momma actually preferred this since she hates sitting around all day and would be able to treat herself on two different occasions instead of having it all in one go.

She made her appointment for Friday at 5:00pm. She planned on leaving at 4:15. I told her this was a crap idea.

Me: "Momma, Friday traffic blows. You need to leave at 3:30. I'm telling you this from pure experience. You'll never make it in forty-five minutes."

Momma: "I got directions. I'll just shoot down 66."

Me: "66? No. No, no, no, no. 66 is Satan's Road, didn't I tell you? It takes at least an hour on a regular work day, let alone a Friday. And with all of the late time Christmas shoppers. Leave at 3:30. You'll be better off, I promise."

I tell her this and yet she is still convinced that she can make it in forty-five minutes. The stubborn mule.

Now I'm laying on the couch, in my jammies, already washed my face and she's arguing with me while she sits in traffic.

Momma: "Samantha, I've already called them and told them I'm going to be late, but I'm going to be really late. I won't make it in time. I'd much prefer it if you went and the money didn't go to waste."

Me: "Why don't you just re-schedule?"

Momma: "Because you have to re-schedule twenty-four hours in advance. Will you please just go in my place?"

Me: "What did I tell you, huh? Didn't I warn you about the traffic, Momma?"

Momma: "Now's not the time to argue with me Samantha Leigh. Go and get the damn massage."

All of this arguing was starting to make me tense, but I was so frustrated that she stayed at work instead of telling people that she was leaving early. Ordinarily I'm not one to turn down a massage, but it was her birthday present dammit and I wanted her to enjoy it for fuck's sake.

Me: "Fine. I'm going."

I quickly got dressed again, slipped on some ratty shoes and drove down to the Tranquility Spa. I walked inside. Celine Dion was singing Christmas songs in the background and all of their Christmas decorations were a blinding silver/white/sparkling color. I felt out of place, looked like shit and stepped up to the front counter.

Desk Lady: "Hi, ma'am. Welcome to the Tranquility Spa. May I help you?"

Me: "Um, well, see the thing is, my mom was supposed to be here, but she's stuck in traffic and this is really her birthday present but she couldn't re-schedule twenty-four hours in advance, but she got caught up with work, so she asked me to sit in her place, if any of that makes sense."

DL: "What is your mother's name?"

Me: "Lois."

DL: "Okay, not a problem. Lori is going to be taking care of you. Your mother does know that when she gets here we won't be able to do anything for her, right?"

Me: "Oh yeah, no worries. She just doesn't want it to go to waste."

DL: "Of course. Here, I'll take your jacket and scarf for you."

After she hung up my jacket, she showed me into a back room that was a bit darker and had jungle birds over the speakers.

I had entered the forest or something.

DL: "Would you like something to drink?"

Me: "Oh, no thanks."

DL: "If you could just sit here for a moment and fill out a quick survey. I'll tell Lori that you're here and then we can get started."

I sat in a wicker chair and tried to sit back without feeling like I would fall backwards. She handed me the clipboard and I began filling everything out.

The questions were standard I guess. They just wanted to know if I had any kind of back pains, or if there was a particular area that I would like them to focus on. Then they wanted to know if I was epileptic, had heart problems, got cold quickly, or allergic to iodine. I was beginning to get a little scared. What exactly were they going to do to me?

It was a quick survey though and before I knew it, my masseuse, Lori, came and introduced herself.

Lori: "So is this your first massage?"

Me: "Well, my first proper one at a spa, yeah."

Lori: "Is there anything that you're having troubles with? Your back, shoulders, or neck area?"

Me: "Actually, it just so happens I've got a bit of a pinch in my neck. Traffic was a bit more hellish for me today for some reason."

Lori: "Do you sit at a computer all day?"

Me: "Sadly, yes."

Lori: "Alrighty. Well go ahead and strip down and hop under the covers face down. If you want you can leave your underwear on, but some people prefer to take everything off. I'll give you a few minutes"

Whoa. That was a first. I had only known this lady for three minutes and already I was taking off my clothes. Of course I know that people have to take their clothes off in order to get a full body massage, it was just really strange having somebody I had just met saying the words and have it be completely normal.

It was a race for me to take off my clothes. On one hand I just wanted to get under the covers because it was cold and I'm really paranoid about being video taped everywhere I go that requires me to change, and also because I'd hate for Lori to walk in and only be halfway finished getting undressed. When I took off my socks however, I realized it had been a couple of days since I last shaved my legs and I felt kind of bad about it. Whenever I get a pedicure, I always make sure my legs are shaved. This, however, I was caught completely off gaurd and unprepared.

After I stripped down to my underwear (I wasn't as comfortable as some of her other clients), I slid under the blankets where it was already nice and toasty. You have to love those electric blankets. I laid on my belly and placed my face into that little head holder. Then it was quiet.

I wondered how weird I must look, laying on this bed, no clothes, with my face down to the floor in the face holder. Then I felt like a dork.

After a couple of minutes, Lori entered the room and told me to relax in one of those relaxing-masseuse-tones. She dimmed the lights even more which didn't help me relax at all. All I kept on thinking was, "what the hell did I get myself into?"

She started down on the lower part of my legs and lathered them with lotion. There wasn't any talking after she had began. Just myself, in the dark, listening to the ocean and seagulls over the speakers. And all of the thoughts that were blazing through my head at warp speed.

Some of the random thoughts during my massage session:

"I wonder if anybody has farted while she was giving them a massage?"

"What would happen if there was a fire right now?"

"Do people fall asleep? And more importantly, did they drool after they fell asleep?"

"Goddammit I'm so pissed at Momma. She's the one who should be laying here."

"This isn't awkward. This isn't awkward. Just relax. Jesus, would you fucking relax already? You're at a goddamn spa."

"This is going to make great blogging material."

"Haven't I already heard these seagulls? Is my CD on repeat?"

All of these random thoughts kept on running through my mind while she was giving me a massage. That is until she moved up onto my neck and shoulders. I don't know what happened, but the moment she started working in that area, my mind zoned out and I enjoyed the spectacular work that her hands were doing. I was in heaven and really enjoying myself.

After she was finished with my backside, she asked me to flip over on my back and move my head down so that it was resting on the table.

What the hell was the going to do to me while I was on my back? (Dirrty thoughts to yourself, please.)

I hesitated for a moment and then scooched down the table on my stomach before I turned over.

It was then that she gave my head a full on massage that was different but good at the same time. She also did the front part of my legs, my arms, and feet. All in all, very lovely.

Once everything was finished, she told me that I could take my time getting ready and left the room. I didn't want to move. The bed was warm, my muscles were pudding, and I just wanted to fall asleep and have happy dreams about rainbows and unicorns.

I got back into my clothes, tried to fix my hair, and grabbed some mints that were sitting on a small table.

When I opened the door, Lori was standing there with a small cup of water.

Lori: "Here you go. You have to drink plenty of water two days after to flush all of the minerals out of your system."

Minerals? I didn't want to know.

Me: "Thanks."

I saw Momma sitting in the wicker chair that I had sat in a little while ago and tapped her on the shoulder.

Me: "Glad you could finally make it."

Momma: "Hey, dear. I'm sorry that I was late. Really. I was cussing myself in the car. You wouldn't believe how much I was looking forward to that massage."

Me: "Good. Perhaps next time you'll listen to me instead of trying to fight traffic?"

Momma: "Oh hush. Yes, I'll leave earlier."

I took a card from Lori with her information on it and then Momma and I left for home. I was feeling really good but also like I needed a shower. I had some kind of spa lotion on me from head to toe and it left me feeling greasy. I didn't shower when I got home though. I simply fell asleep feeling completely relaxed with the seagulls and ocean waves in my ears.

Posted by Sam at 09:01 AM | Permalink

Why is it whenever I'm feeling like crap Mel always says something completely random with a straight face that makes me want to laugh for ten minutes? We were sitting in the car when she told me out of the blue...

"Ian told me today that he sneezed, coughed, and farted at the same time. It gave him a headache."

I recieved my CD from Tim today which was very exciting. This music revolution rules. The song "Fuck her gently" from Tenacious D is hilarious and kept me laughing for forever it seems. And the fact that he wrote his note to me and the song tracks on sticky notes was creative and precious. Thank you, sir.

Just for everyone's information, this is my 100th post. I think everyone should buy a round of drinks for me. Not a round of drinks on me. For Me.

Raise your glass. Here's to 100 and many more.

Posted by Sam at 09:02 AM | Permalink

Today the power went out.

So much fun!

I love it whenever the power goes out and I'm at work. It's so random and if it's out for long enough then usually they send people home, because what good are you sitting in the dark playing with matches? Not a whole lot, right? It also provides a very legitimate excuse for people to not do any work. Nothing can get accomplished without any electricity, therefore I must sit here and talk with my colleagues. We don't spend enough time together as it is.

But it's also really funny, because just as everything goes dark, you immediately find out who hasn't been saving any of their work. All that you hear from cubicles and offices is...

"Shit!"

"Fuck!"

"Goddammit motherfucking son of a bitch!"

That must really suck.

Posted by Sam at 09:06 AM | Permalink

I'm sick, dellusional, and unable to focus on anything for more than five seconds. Luckily, it just so happens that I had a post written down from a couple of days ago while I was waiting on Mel's shift to finish up.

Oh yes, and a big thanks to Leah for sending me a postcard all the way from California while she was on her Thanksgiving break! I tell ya, I was very excited, seeing as this is the first thing that I've ever received from a fellow blogger. Perhaps one day I will return the kind gesture. It's fun.

**

11/26/05

Writers should always be prepared; a pen and paper on them at all times. I, unfortunately, am unprepared which is why I have found myself sitting in Target's food court writing on blank receipt paper, trying to look like I'm supposed to be sitting here with a purpose. Sadly, it is extremely unconvincing. For some reason, it is hard as hell to find something proper to write on at Target too. Well, something for free. Of course there are notebooks and random pads of paper, but that would require me to get up, purchase them, and then come sit back down, which is more energy then I care to use at the moment.

Why then am I sitting at a corner table, listening to Mini in the middle of the afternoon when I am obviously sick and should be in bed? Well, that would be because I came a little early to pick Mel up from work. She doesn't get off for another thirty minutes and I refuse to sit in my car wasting gas to stay warm. Instead I have taken over a small corner table and am trying my best to not look like I'm lost, homeless, crazy, or a combination of all three.

And the only reason why I'm here so freaking early is because I finally got my front license plate for my car. I don't know why I put it off for so long. It only took about fifteen minutes. Being a procrastinator will never fully make sense to me. I need to put the new stickers on both of the plates though. My front license plate is three years overdue. Oh well.

So while I wait, I'm writing down random thoughts and occasionally doing sign language with Mel. Of course it's our own special version of sign language that we make up as we go.

Aren't little kids great? Take for instance the two little boys that are sitting next to me right now. One of them has a serious staring problem that is making me nervous, and the other one is swiveling in his chair so fiercely I'm afraid he may propel himself clear across the room. They're so loud I can hear them over my music (the volume is on HIGH), and they have hit their grandmother. Twice.

I hope to have five of my own just like them.

There's also a small girl bouncing from chair to chair while coughing without covering her mouth. The last thing I need is more germs. Being sick is a common thing for me. Whether it is a twenty-four hour bug that is passing through or a full on virus that is ready to wipe out every last white blood cell in my body, I am normally the one person that is sick all year round.

I woke up this morning unable to feel the left side of my face. After tossing and turning for an hour trying to find a position that allows me to breathe out of both nostrils, I got up and decided to go downstairs and see if there was anything in the kitchen I might be able to taste.

On a completely random note, I found a bruise on my left pinky toe. I have no clue how it got there. All I know is that it hurts like hell and I want crutches.

Posted by Sam at 09:57 AM | Permalink

Momma: "Melissa, why don't you use your own bathroom and spit on the mirror in there?"

Posted by Sam at 09:57 AM | Permalink

The alarm clock went off at exactly 4:15 in the morning. I got out of bed at approximately 4:30am.

Why, you ask?

It's Black Friday, y'all. Didn't you hear?

I went downstairs and started getting ready. While I was in the shower I mentally prepared myself for the battle that I was getting ready to engage in. I planned out an internal map of Target and Best Buy. What was I going to hit first? Who was I going to hit first? How long did I plan to stay in certain areas? It was all very intricately planned out and I was ready for any kind of surprise situation.

I put on my war paint (clinique make-up), laced up my boots (Steve Madden tennis shoes), and put on my armor (American Eagle scarf and Target jacket). I got into my car and listened to Queen's, "We will rock you," on repeat (well, okay, not on repeat. I like other songs on the CD too), and began driving towards the battlefield.

It was game time.

I quickly grabbed breakfast from the Chick-fil-A drive thru and claimed a parking space where I inhaled my food and drank my morning orange juice. A fellow shopper and her young daughter had the same idea as me only they were eating Burger King. Ha. Burger King. It does not compare to Chick-fil-A's breakfast. I would surely have more strength and stamina then them.

I pulled out Mini, inserted the tiny earphones, and began to walk towards the two large, automatic doors with only one thing on my mind.

Bring. It. On.

The heat hit my face and the fluorescent lights blinded my eyes. I took in the scene. It all appeared to be very peaceful. It seemed like Target had asked every single one of their employees to come in early also. Everywhere I turned there was somebody new wearing kahki pants and a red top either re-stocking shelves or assisting a customer. They were definitely prepared.

I grabbed a shopping cart and began my journey to the CDs and DVD area.

Every which way I turned I couldn't escape the bright yellow stickers that marked down original prices or 50% discounts. It was all around me and I couldn't help but break out into a wide smile.

God, I was going to save so much money.

I took my time while I roamed up and down each of the aisles. I passed electronics, and the toy section where frantic parents stood trying decide which Barbie to get their child, or if little Bobby would prefer a race car or an action figure. The decisions that are almost life or death. People wandered into sections of the store that they would normally never dare to enter. There were lots of middle-aged men standing in the women's lingerie section with confused looks on their faces. Would she prefer lace or silk? What about a combination of both? Women were in the hardware section contemplating which set of hammers and nails their husband would like best.

It was a very entertaining sight.

After a short while I became lost in my own world. The mountain in my shopping cart was steadily growing and the whole time all I kept on thinking was, "awesome sales, saving money, I love Black Friday."

And so I danced. Not the kind of dancing where I was leaping from aisle to aisle while singing my own Target Savings Song, but enough to where one of Mel's co-workers/friends said she took notice. That was okay though. All of the savings I was making was definitely in need of celebration.

After a couple of hours combing through everything that Target had to offer, and re-visiting most of the Christmas decoration aisles, I heaved everything to a check out lane where a young girl whipped out her magic scanner and asked if I needed water to help with the dehydration.

Okay. So maybe she didn't offer me water, but I could have used some.

She bagged it all up for me and wished me a Happy Holiday.

I left with everything off of my Christmas list except for three things which must be purchased online.

Success was mine. I had conquered Target and came out alive with triumphant story to tell.

To celebrate, I danced my way over to Starbucks and bought a grande apple, caramel cider. I then drove on home into the sunrise, because by now it was only 9:30 in the morning.

The End.

Posted by Sam at 09:58 AM | Permalink

Mel: "Sammi, I don't want us to buy each other the same thing for Christmas. In order to avoid that, I think we should just tell each other what our gifts are now."

Posted by Sam at 09:59 AM | Permalink

Ah, nothing gets me going better in the mornings than listening to the Spice Girls and drinking apple, caramel cider from Starbucks. I have a theory that Starbucks slips some crack into whatever they serve to the public. That cider really jerks me awake, and occasionally it jerks my insides when I've drank too much. There is a limit I discovered, and mine is sucking an entire large apple cider in less than an hour on a semi-empty stomach. The results were not pretty.

I hate to say it, but...I feel cool too whenever I'm carrying around a Starbucks cup.

Oh, come on! Give me a break! I don't drink coffee so the envy that I feel whenever I see somebody who actually has coffee in their mug makes me insanely jealous. The cider only comes around once a year during the colder months so let me enjoy the image while it lasts. Geez.

Anyhoo, it is Wednesday/Friday for me. Since I worked like a crazy person on Veteran's Day, I get to take the day after Thanksgiving off. Isn't that fantastic? The entire day for me to...

GO AND BRAVE THE SHOPPING MALLS SINCE IT'S BLACK FRIDAY!

Oh, I'm ready for it. I've been growing my nails out specifically for this day and have broken in my comfy running shoes. And you can bet your ass I will fight a little kid for the last Hot Toy Of The Season. Whatever it is, I have no clue, but I'm ready to scrap and get dirty on this holiday tradition that we have created.

Doesn't it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Yeah. Me too.

Currently Mel is at home since she got today off of school and is getting the house all prepared for The Big Feast that we call Thanksgiving. It is, hands down, my favorite holiday ever.

Yes. Ever. Even more than Christmas.

Thanksgiving is a time when you get to make tons of food that you normally only make once a year. As soon as you wake up there's nothing but getting everything on the stove, in the oven, and set out to rise. Then you watch the parade, finish making the food, and gather around with family members that you enjoy (or tolerate, whatever the situation may be). Then you watch television and pass out on the couch while you let your digestive system do what it does best.

None of that gift-giving business. Everybody just comes around because they want to. What more could anybody want? Great food, great company, great times. Now since it's normally just Momma, Mel and myself, we have lots of fun. We don't get changed out of our jammies, we rotate who gets kitchen duty, and we sit around and have family bonding time.

Of course we have leftovers to last us until February. Three little ladies are unable to eat an entire feast all by themselves. While we were cleaning out the freezer to make room for whatever leftovers we'll have this year, we found some ham from Christmas 2004. Frightening.

I have been bitten by the holiday bug too. I don't know when it happened, but I'm pretty sure it was sometime last week when we bought the Charlie Brown Christmas album. With the Vince Guaraldi Trio of course. There is no other way to listen to Charlie Brown. Everything else is sacrilegious. The bug has infected me so much though that Mel and I are coming in on Saturday to DECORATE MY OFFICE.

You read that correctly. The next time people come into our hole on the 3rd floor, there will be tinsel, red bows, singing Santas, and hell, maybe even a mini-Christmas tree. Why not? If I'm going to do it I might as well go all the way.

I've embraced it and you all should too.

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate.

Posted by Sam at 10:00 AM | Permalink

As we were sitting on the ramp to get onto 28, a van pulled up next to Mel and me wanting to cut in the very long line. It said, "Vintage Security" on the side.

Mel: "What the hell is 'vintage security' supposed to mean? Are they going to build a moat around your house and throw an alligator in it?"

I couldn't stop laughing for ten minutes. So hilarious.

Posted by Sam at 10:03 AM | Permalink

I walk into the building three minutes late. When I arrive to our front office door I turn the knob to discover that it's already unlocked. Who the hell is here before me?

It was M. We're going to be having a big open house meeting on Monday to try and bring in new candidates and he's been working like a crazy person. All I've seen him do these past two weeks is type on his keyboard while yacking on the phone to somebody and guzzling Red Bull energy drinks. The man is a machine.

Of course I do what little part I can to help and alleviate some of the work load, but he's still a little unwilling to let me do some things. I'm not sure why but I get the feeling that he feels a bit guilty for asking me to do stuff. He acts like he can handle the entire workload when quite frankly, I'm surprised that he has even lasted this long with everything that he has going on.

On top of all of the HR drama in the office, I've still been trying to keep up with SuperAdmin's things while she's over at the Customer's Site. Meetings keep on being booked, phones continue to ring, and e-mails flood my inbox. I've already had to clean it out three times because the System Administrator has told me that it's over the size limit. I don't understand it. Luckily SuperAdmin has been able to sneak away every other day or so to visit us for two hours, but she's only one person and the moment she steps foot onto the premise everybody swarms around her shoving papers and questions in her face.

I'm keeping up really well with all of the work flow but could really care less. It's fall and the weather outside it's so pretty that I want to get a camera and take thousands of pictures so I can put them all together in chronological order and make a flip book out of it all.

That or just walk through dry leaves. How great is that? To listen to them rustle between your feet and crunch against the ground. I dance in them after work when nobody is in the parking lot and the sun has already disappeared from the sky.

At least I think I'm alone. If not then I hope whoever has seen me dancing in the leaves enjoyed the show.

Something about the end of the year and the colder months does something to me every single year. Who knows why. I'm a dramatic person who lives off of clichés so it's really easy for me to fall into my melancholy moods and convince myself that the end of the year is The End. Besides, I don't deal with any kind of change easily, no matter how good or bad it is. Big or small, I need time to adjust and let things sink in. Even though I'm a major fan of autumn, I have to pack away my flip flops, the tank tops, and take some time to say a proper goodbye to summer and all of it's perks. There is something sad about it all.

As the faxes come in, the phone numbers flash on my caller ID, the traffic piles up on the roads, lunches are delivered, meetings run over, guests walk through the door, and my e-mail ceases to give me a break, I sit behind my desk and do what I can to keep things sorted. However, my brain seems to be the thing that needs the most organization.

At the end of the day, I sit in my car, now without my fags, and contemplate things that swirl around in my brain. This is how it is for me. This is what I do and on most occasions, I do it with a genuine smile on my face. I enjoy it all for the most part, and sometimes I can't help but wonder if I create problems all on my own when there sure as hell isn't anything to be worried about. There's no need for me to get bent out of shape over tiny, insginificant issues that arise. I need to sit back, enjoy the ride, and relax. I should just really chill the fuck out, to say the least.

That's what I'm trying to do now I guess. Chill the fuck out...while I dance among the leaves.

Posted by Sam at 10:04 AM | Permalink

Yeehaw! Another tag from Voodoo. I do need to fill up some time. Sure I've got a couple of things that need to get done around here, but I'm taking a much needed break. My head hurts from the sugar hangover with all of the Halloween candy.

Now onto the questions...

1. First name?

Samantha

2. Were you named after anyone?

Nope. Momma told me that she knew what she was going to name me after she had a dream though. How cool is that?

3. Do you wish on stars?

Whenever the mood strikes me I do.

4. When did you cry last?

Um, about three or four days ago. I'm an emotional kind of gal.

5. Do you like your handwriting?

No, it's crap.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?

Ham and occasionally turkey.

7. What is your birth date?

October 7th, 1985. Where was your present?

8. What is your most embarrassing CD?

Oh geez...don't make me say it. Please.

Alright, alright!

Kelly Clarkson.

I am ashamed.

9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?

Shit yeah! I'm kick ass, didn't you know?

10. Do you have a journal?

Yep. I've got this blog, and another journal that I hand write everything in. I've had one since...umm...gosh, the fourth grade, maybe.

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Of course. That's how I survive coming to work.

13. Would you bungee jump?

I've thought about it, but I'd be too scared that I'd snap my neck once I jerked back up.

14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Sometimes. It depends on how much of a hurry I am to get into my jammies.

15. Do you think that you are strong?

Ha! No. It's embarrassing just how weak I am. It's a struggle just for me to lift up boxes with simple supplies in them.

16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Chocolate chip, cookie dough, or just plain chocolate.

17. Shoe Size?

I'm usually in between a 5 or 6.

18. Red or pink?

Pink. It's my second favorite color.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

Like physically? My feet. If not physically, then the fact that I'm a procrastinator.

20. Who do you miss most?

Do I really have to say? Duh. It's always been him.

21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to answer?

If they know what's good for them they will!

22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?

Navy blue pants and grey tennis shoes. Yeah. I dressed up.

23. What are you listening to right now?

The Zutons.

24. Last thing you ate?

A leftover rice krispy from our pot luck yesterday.

25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Blue or pink.

26. What is the weather like right now?

It's a gorgeous fall day. Blue skies, light wispy clouds, and lots of sun.

27. Last person you talked to on the phone?

Gene.

28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Eyes, arms, and shoulders.

29. Do you like the person who sent this to you?

Well, we don't know each other personally, but she seems like a cool chick.

30. Favorite Drink?

Non-alcoholic: Sweet tea.
Alcoholic: Southern comfort.

31. Favorite sport?

Well, I'll play badminton and extreme frisby (it's cool, hush), but I'll watch practically anything. That doesn't mean I'll understand, but I'll watch it.

32. Hair Color?

Light brownish?

33. Eye color?

Hazel.

34. Do you wear contacts?

Nah. I'm too scared to get my finger that close to my eyes. I rock the good 'ole glasses.

35. Favorite Food?

You honestly want me to try and pick one?

36. Last movie you watched?

Sin City.

37. Favorite day of the year?

What? Um, March 12th. I don't know why.

38. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings?

I'm not a big fan of scary movies, but I'll watch them. I do prefer happy endings.

39. Summer or Fall?

Fall.

40. Hugs OR Kisses?

Both. And then some.

41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?

Again, you honestly want me to pick just one?

42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond?

You never know.

43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond?

Everyone.

44. What Books Are You Reading?

Sadly, none. I need to work on that...

45. What’s on your mouse pad?

It's one of those generic Dell mouse pads.

46. What Did You Watch Last Night?

State of Play. It's this new show I discovered on BBCAmerica. I'm hooked to it.

48. Favorite Sounds?

Listening to the rain.

47. Favorite Smell?

Anything fruity.

50. Favorite animal?

Puppies.

51. What’s the farthest you’ve been from home?

London.

52. Do you have a special talent?

Everyone has at least one special talent, I'm sure. I probably have one, I just haven't noticed.

..

Thank you much, Voodoo. I live for this kind of stuff.

So I guess I will tag Mamasita, I can repay Mr. Hack, and I know Ash is dying to tag more people.

Posted by Sam at 10:10 AM | Permalink

There's three of us standing in the conference room. Myself, M, and Tim. Tim stopped by to assemble a TV stand for us that has been sitting on the floor for about three weeks.

Tim: "The top won't fit. See? That left leg is bent out too far."

M: "Yeah, it does look like it's severely bent."

Me: "Are you sure they're on the right side? I think they're both supposed to be bent out like that."

Tim: "I've tried switching them around, but nothing works. These instructions suck too."

M tries to push the steel up a little bit so that it's not as crooked.

Tim: "Oh, I don't know who you're kidding. You can't bend that up."

M: "Yes I can. I've got the big guns now, man. Don't you know?" He pats his hand on his upper arm.

Tim: "You work out regularly?"

M: "Yeah, I try to work out every other day."

Tim: "Man, I haven't lifted weights in so long. How much do you lift?"

While they went on talking about weights and how strong they were, I sat down across from the TV stand and stared at it for a minute.

Me: "Tim. I figured out your problem. The legs are on upside down."

I stood up and walked out of the conference room.

Damn I'm good.

Posted by Sam at 10:15 AM | Permalink

Used Hack was lovely and tagged me today on his blog. Gosh, I love it when that happens. Not that it happens often, but when it does, I get really excited. It gives me something to post when I'm feeling creatively drained (like recently) and it also gives me something to do while I'm at work.

Now, onto the questions...

1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?

Yes. Looking hot around the clock is just something that I do naturally. I must be prepared at all times so that means keeping a fresh tube of lipstick on me. It's for the fans, you see.

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?

Not at all. Well, if they are, it's without my knowledge.

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks e-mail you?

I've yet to receive a creepy or dorky e-mail from anybody. It's all just spam at the moment. Although I can hardly wait for the day to arrive when a creep or a dork does decide to e-mail me.

4. Do you lie in your blog?

Nope. Never have, and don't plan on it. Well, unless you count the stuff about me discovering a cure for cancer and being a spy, then yes, maybe I do lie a little bit. Actually, I really don't see the point of keeping a personal blog if all you want to do is post up lies about yourself.

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?

Ha! I mean...sure. We can go with that.

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop?

No. That also doesn't make sense.

7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping?

I'm not in therapy. I've thought about it (once, for about two seconds), but because of how expensive it is, and also because I thought that it was a load of shit, I didn't. I'm sure that it helps others though, so that's what counts.

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones?

I don't think I've ever had a mean comment. Either I'm so scary and bitchy that they're too afraid to leave me a mean comment, or they become extremely bored halfway through reading one entry and don't have the energy to leave one. And as for the fake ones? Heh. No. I don't like faking anything.

9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog?

*Ahem* Some things a lady must keep to herself.

10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less?

Well I would hope that they like me more, but you never know. I think I'm about the same behind the screen and in real life, so maybe it wouldn't be that big of a shock.

11. Do you have a job?

Yeah. That's what half of my drivel is all about.

12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?

Well I do have a job where I'm allowed to blog full-time. I have some restrictions, however. I guess the salary could be a bit better. I would do it officially though, yeah. In a heart beat.

13. Which bloggers do you want to meet in real life?

It'd be nice to meet any of them, really. That is if they wanted to meet me too. I'm not about forcing somebody else to keep me company.

14. Which bloggers have you made out with? (a)In real life? (b)In fantasy?

(a) I've made out with Ash and let me tell you, that's my cake and ice cream right there. I was close to making out with Mendy but was told that she respects my authority too much to do that.
(b) Nobody.

15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have?

It's not an act. I really am poor. I used to act like I had more money than I was bringing in though. Which resulted in me becoming poor...you see how it is.

16. Does your family read your blog?

Occasionally Mel if she's bored. Momma knows that I have one but doesn't read. She might have forgotten that I have one...

17. How old is your blog?

It's just a wee youngin' at four, almost five months old. Man how time flies.

18. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care?

Of course I get more than 1000 page views per day. That is if you take what I really get and multiply that by thirty-five. I'm a stats whore, yes, and love seeing who decides to spend more than two seconds on my website, but it doesn't keep me awake at night.

19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?

If it's a secret, why would I post about it here?

20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing?

I've considered it, but have never done it.

21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes?

Shit, I could make money off of my blog? If I did make money off of it, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't report it. They collect taxes on everything nowadays. They can leave my blog the hell alone.

22. Is blogging narcissistic?

Mine is, I know that for sure. Others who blog about politics or what not, maybe not so much.

23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time?

Oh yeah. I like posting five days out of the week. If I miss one day, then I feel all off balance. The weekends, however, I normally don't. That doesn't mean that I don't consider it though.

24. Do you like John Mayer?

I'm a big fan of Mr. Mayer, although I think he's too overrated now and it's kind of annoying. I enjoy his music and relate to all of his lyrics.

25. Do you have enemies?

Oh, I'm sure I do, I just don't know who they are.

26. Are you lonely?

I get by. I'm working on changing that though. I'll leave it at that, otherwise we might be here for a while.

27. Why bother?

What's the point if you don't bother? You might as well become a permanent fixture in your grandmother's couch collecting lint if you don't bother. Since I'm allergic to lint, I do bother.

..

Thanks, Hack. This filled up quite a decent amount of time at work. I appreciate you considering me.

Now it's Erik, Ash, and Leah's turn. Do share with us.

Posted by Sam at 10:14 AM | Permalink

When we lived in North Dakota it wouldn't get dark in the summer time until about eleven o'clock. That was awesome when we were out of school. Momma wouldn't make us come inside until the street lights flickered on. We would roll in the house with about a million mosquito bites covering our little legs and then spend the rest of the evening sitting on our hands trying not to scratch at them.

However, when school was still in session, bed time was eight o'clock on the dot for us, and not one minute later. We put up tin foil in our windows so that we could block out some of the sun rays and then cover that with our curtains, but there would still be an orange glow all over our walls. When you're 9-years-old, it's really difficult to sleep when you know that there's still three good hours that could be spent playing outside.

Momma's room was on the opposite side of the house of mine and Mel's, so she didn't have to worry as much about the sun turning her room into a tiny incubator in the evenings. She still had the tin foil, the blinds, and the curtains, but it looked relatively normal around eight o'clock at night.

Occasionally, when I just couldn't fall asleep and had spent about two hours tossing and turning, I would get out of bed, creep down the hall (carefully, trying not to squeak the wooden floors) with Sussie and my small blanket in my hands, and then sit down in front of Momma's bedroom door. I had to work up the nerve to go inside because I knew that she'd be angry with me for still being up so late. I would sit in front of the blue glow from the television coming from the bottom of her door and listen to what she was watching for a little bit. If I hadn't fallen asleep in front of the door after sitting there for a while, I would stand up, slowly open her door, and peek my tiny head inside.

Sometimes she would still be awake and tell me to go back to my room. Other times she would be asleep and I'd just crawl in on the other side and fall asleep too. But then there were some nights when she would still be awake, ask me what I was still doing up, and then tell me to climb in next to her. We would fall asleep with the evening news on or some random late night talk show. Those were the best.

Last night after I got in bed, I was restless. I tossed and turned and couldn't shut my mind off. I was facing my windows and stared at the moon that has been shining brightly over me these past couple of nights.

It got to the the point where I just couldn't be in my bed anymore. Not just my bed, but my room. So I got out of bed, grabbed Sussie and my green flannel blanket that I'm always wrapped up in around the house, and creeped down the hallway in front of Momma's door. I sat down on the floor and listened to what she was watching. It was Commander in Chief. Momma can't wait until we really get a female president.

After a couple of minutes, I stood up and slowly opened her door. Her windows were opened and her fan was turned on high. She looked like she was still asleep so I slowly started pulling the covers down on the other side of her bed so I could crawl in. I hadn't even pulled them down halfway before she jumped up startled.

Momma: "Oh, Samantha! Goodness. You just about gave me a fucking heart attack. I didn't hear you come in."

Me: "Sorry, Momma. Hey, what time is your alarm clock set for?"

Momma: "5:15. Why?"

Me: "I was wondering if I could sleep with you tonight."

Momma: "Sure, baby. Hop in. But you've got to make up your side of the bed tomorrow morning."

Me: "No worries, I will."

After I got all situated, we watched a little bit of TV together.

Momma: "Is everything okay?"

Me: "Yeah, everything's fine. Why wouldn't they be okay?"

Momma: "It's just been a while since you last slept in my room."

Me: "I know."

Momma: "Are you sure everything's okay?"

Me: "I just don't like sleeping alone."

Momma: "I don't like it either."

Poor Momma. Hearing her say that made me so sad. She had been sleeping alone for ages and here she was, years later, still chugging along, waiting...A small tear rolled down my cheek.

We became quiet again for a moment.

Momma: "You know, you wouldn't be having this problem right now if you hadn't slept with him."

I busted out laughing. It was such a Momma-thing to say.

Me: "I know."

Momma: "I'm glad you decided to sleep in here. We haven't done this in so long. It's kind of nice."

And you know what? It really was.

Posted by Sam at 10:39 AM | Permalink

Whenever there are clouds in the sky and the rain is freely falling, people generally say, "it's so nasty outside." I usually agree for small talk purposes, but the truth is, I love this kind of weather. You get to wrap up in bunches of layers, hunker down under the covers, watch daytime TV, and eat loads of comfort food. How can you not like that? I thrive on it.

Currently as I type this up, I've got my cup of hot tea (Lipton's new honey and lemon), a brownie, flannel jammies, and the new slippers that I received in the mail yesterday from, Ash. They're really comfy and swallow my entire foot. I feel like the abonimable snowman walking around in them. Very nice.

Ah, yes. I got my birthday presents from Ash and they're lovely. He sent The Rakes, The Magic Numbers, and the Editors for my listening pleasure, two compilation CDs, my fabulous slippers, a web cam (hehe), and some other things that shall remain for My Eyes Only. Y'all are a creative bunch. Use your imagination. Oh, and a Pettree. At first when I saw it, I was confused. I didn't exactly understand what it was all about, but now that I actually know what it is, I think it's precious. Of course being me, I had to give it, well him, a name. Since he's a cactus, I named him, Spike. It's fitting, don't ya think? I know I haven't had the greatest luck in the past, but I'm going to give it another try. Hopefully things between Spike and I will work out.

..

This morning as I was driving to work with Mel in the car, I was pulled over by a cop...again.

"Great," I mumbled.

I slowed the car, pulled over on the side of the road, and rolled my window down.

PoPo: "Good morning, ma'am. Can I ask you where your front licence plate is?"

Me: "Oh, it's not on the car yet but I'm going to be getting that taken care of really soon. Another officer (well, two actually) has already told me that I need to have one. I'm going and getting one of those plastic plates to snap on the front."

PoPo: "I see. Did you just move to the area?"

Me: "Yes sir, I did." (Um, about three years ago.)

PoPo: "Okay, just make sure you have that done sooner rather than later. It's illegal to drive around without it in Virginia."

Me: "I already thought about it. I was planning on doing it this weekend."

PoPo: "Alright. Have a nice day."

Me: "Thanks, you too."

Damn. That's the third time they've pulled me over for not having a license plate on the front of my car. I guess I really should get it done this time.

Mel: "If I was you, I would have gotten out of the car, and then pushed his motorcycle over."

Me: "The scary thing Mel, is that I could see you doing that."

..

Since Scott's birthday is this Saturday, the lab, myself, K, and Mr. Hurd all went out to lunch today.

K: "So how old will you be turning, Scott?"

Scott: "Twenty-one."

K: "Really? I don't know many 21-year-olds with gray hair."

Scott: "It's the new fashion amongst us young folks, right Sam?"

Me: "Definitely. I'm getting mine dyed next week."

Mr. Hurd: "Oh who are you kidding, Scott? You're turning forty-three and we all know it."

Scott: "I'm hurt, Mr. Hurd. I can't believe you'd actually think that I would lie about my age."

Minnie: "Well Scott, look at it this way, if you're twenty-one, then I'm eleven."

..

There used to be a time when I would get excited whenever I had to place an order to Staples. Shopping for cool supplies with somebody else's money: F-U-N!